01x19 - War Pestilence Famine Death

Jen: I'm telling you, there's a rat in the attic.

I can hear it.

It-It's like it's on our old StairMaster.

No, honey, we don't have rats, okay?


Anything up there?


Ooh, I told you we have rats!

Oscar: No...

No, I meant, rats, I think I missed a very important phone call.


So what, uh, what is the, the sound up there?

Oh, it's probably rats.


But don't worry...

If you got 'em, I'll get 'em.

Adults and babies alike, though...

I mean, they... they's just babies.

Just babies.

They ain't done nothing wrong yet.

(sobs) I'm sorry.

That's... yeah, you take... you take your time.

I'm gonna compose myself in your toilet.

No, no, that's the baby's room.

Nope, wrong door.

(Lark crying)

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Baby's up.

That's okay.

Oscar: All right.

Well, I put some traps all around the perimeter.

Thanks, Oscar.

I found this.

Oh, thank you very much.

I assumed it was yours.

The reason why I have this... and Jen doesn't know about it, but, uh...

I, uh, dated the girl who posed in this issue.


Lordy be.

She's not gonna take a bath in that little wood bucket, is she?

She gonna try.

She wrote me a little note.

Oh, yeah.

"To Greg, thanks for dinner. And 'dessert.'"

Hoo, I know what that means.


Why don't you put this up on your mantel?

Yeah, no, I don't think Jen would appreciate that.

And she doesn't know I have this.


If you know what I mean.


I understand.

Can't imagine what you two could be talking about.

Oh, uh, well, we were just, uh, talking about, um...



And dinner.

You guys, uh, you making some dinner plans?


Oh, that's kind of you, but my wife works most evenings.

So we can't make it tonight.


Oh... rats.

Yeah. (phone buzzing)


I gotta go.

I got a customer with a possum in his chimney.

It's not gonna kill itself.


Although, it will try and fake it.

Fool me once...

Shame on you.

I guess so, yeah.

(Jen yawns)


Thank you, honey.


(doorbell rings)

Who could that be?



I hope we's not too late for dinner.

This here's my wife, Tulip.


Oh, I thought... uh, what a surprise.

I thought... I thought you said that, um, she had to work tonight.

Oh, yeah, they sent me home.

I have really bad pole rash.

It's very common with dancers and firemen.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

We brought you a bottle of rose.

Wow, that's so, uh... so kind.

And... why don't you, uh, why don't you come in?

And I was just in the middle of covering all of our furniture with towels.

Oscar: Mmm.

Tulip: Oh, with towels.

Tulip: So, Jen, Oscar tells me that you were in Playboy.

(coughs, chokes)

What's that?

Uh, no.

No, I was never in, uh, in Playboy.

Uh, Tulip, my sweet flower, I wasn't saying that his wife was in Playboy,

I was saying his girlie friend from college was in Playboy, and he didn't want her to know about it.



Well... honey, I, uh, I never told you this because I didn't want things to get weird, but since that's impossible now, uh... when I was in college, I slept with a woman who was in Playboy.


Like, you fell... you fell asleep hugging the magazine?


No, honey, we did it.

Like, you know, "it."

Oh... okay.

Well... good job, Greg.

Yeah. That's awesome.

All right, hey, listen, is anyone gonna eat this last Eggo?

Oh, I was actually eyeing it.

Wait a minute.

You don't believe me, do you?

What... no... sure, no, sure I do.

Yes, of course.

Why wouldn't I believe you that you slept with a... (laughing) with a Playboy Bunny?

She gave me the magazine!


Sweetie, she signed it for me.

And Oscar saw it. Didn't you, Oscar?

I didn't see no Playboy.


What are you talking... you gave it to...

You found it and you gave it to me.

I wasn't looking at no Playboys, certainly not while I was working.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

I'm gonna show you.

All right? And, for the record, I did not want this to happen. Okay?

I've been trying to avoid this, so, honey...


Prepare yourself.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I will brace myself with a glass of this rose.


It... it was right here!

I-I put it right here, I swear!

We should go.

Tulip's ovulating.

I gotta go fill her up.


Thanks so much for coming.

I'm telling you, it was there!

Yeah, it's upsetting, isn't it?

Knowing you're telling the truth when your spouse doesn't believe you because there's just no proof.

Don't... this is different, honey.

This was real.

So is the rat.

There is no rat!

There is no Playmate.

There was a Playmate.


Yeah, you want to know how I know?


I touched the Playmate.



In a lot of places.

Know how I know?


'Cause I hear the rat.

You don't see the rat.

I hear it.

You're hear... that's a phantom rat you're hearing, sweetie.

Jen: Like your phantom magazine?

All we want is to build a gazebo, but now the city is telling us that part of our land actually belongs to the neighbors.

John: So what we want to do now is sue the city for being Communist.

Well, that's an idea that has legs.

But let's, uh, circle back to it, and plan "A," I think, is just asking your neighbors to sign an easement.

Unfortunately, uh, Pam and Darryl don't like us.

We always seem to say the wrong things at the wrong time.

Okay. Well, I mean, the amount of land in question is only two feet.

So I can't imagine them getting too upset over that.

Two feet?

What is that, some kind of wisecrack about my scuba diving accident?

No, no, no, no.

No, not at all.

We were just hoping to work this out in a neighborly fashion, and I think we just got off on the wrong foot...


You can't stop, can you?

N... I can... I...

You just don't realize how fraught with feet the language is.

John: Yeah, it kind of makes it impossible not to put your f... uh... your face in your mouth.

Let-let me get us some more tea.

Don't try to wow us with more tea.

It's nothing but a bag of dirt in some hot water.

John: Yeah, it's pretty clear this is not working.

What is it gonna take to get you to sign...?


Oh, my!



No, that's extortion.



Keep on going.

I went to auctioneering school.

I know how to talk fast.

(blabbering rapidly)

Hup! There.


Well, we'll just build the gazebo on the other side of the pool.


It won't get the morning sun, but you'll still be able to sit on the glider and whittle.

Fine with me.


Darryl: Hello!

Hey-ho, neighbors!

We're here for a soak!

Turn up the heat and make some room!

The McDougals are here!

You're getting in our hot tub?

"Yours"? You mean "ours."

We are now co-owners of this hot tizzy.

Darryl: Yeah, we got that survey over to our lawyer, and he informed us that half this tub is on our property.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

That can't be.

Oh, it be.

What are we gonna do now?

Same thing I did in 'Nam.

Put on a coconut bra and sing show tunes?

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have shown you those pictures.

No, we go on the attack.


Oh, come on, look at you.

Ooh, it's gonna be so nice. I can't wai... ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Ooh, that's freezing!

Whoops. (chuckles)

Turns out the heater's on our property.

And now it's off.

Oh, no, it's on!

And I'm not talking about the heater.

You done woke the dragon up!

The dragon is up and had her coffee!

You about to get burnt!


John, what's in our hot tub?

(both groan)


Looks like cherry Jell-O.

Actually, it's Mixed Berry Blast.

I accidentally spilled 20 packs in there.

But don't eat it.

Pam made that mistake.

Now that dragon's got fire coming out of both ends.

Yeah, the security PIN code is, uh, 871.

Great, thanks.

I just ordered 40 pizzas to be delivered to their house that they don't even want.

John, you don't pay for the pizzas.

That's the whole prank.

All you did was buy them the gift of 40 pizzas.

You know, maybe it's time to stop this now.


(Darryl speaks indistinctly)

(both laughing)



Um, y-you win.

Yeah, we'll give you $5,002, minus the $300 we paid to get the Jell-O out.

We're way past deal-making now.

You can't put a price on this.

Look at us. Look at us!

Excuse me?

I come to find out that this hot tub is good for my stump.

I think my foot is growing back.

Something's growing down there!

(both laughing, clamoring)

Pam: What don't y'all get in?!

All: Cheers!

Oh, this is so much better than war!

Oh, it's so refreshing to-to-to have a clean slate.

Yeah, nothing like sharing.


Why'd you have to go bring up that bitch?

Look, I told you that was over!

She means nothing to me. Nothing!

No, I-I said "sharing."

I don't think you heard me correctly.

Are you making fun of me because I lost the hearing in my right ear?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no!

It was a scuba diving accident.


I went too deep trying to go find Darryl's foot.

You didn't go deep enough!

Oh, well, maybe your little precious Sharon can go find it next time!

Sharon is a licensed scuba diver!

You are a snorkeler!

We're-we're just gonna go in now.

We're not going anywhere! We are friends now, okay?

Sharon, look...

You just called me Sharon?!

Did you just call me Sharon?!

Hey, what did you just eat?


What are you eating?!

Go away!

Oh, I'm so excited for this dinner.


Yeah, hey, how did you two get reservations to Rolin and Jones anyway?

I heard there was a one-year wait.

No, no, it was easy.

The chef rear-ended us and we didn't call the police.

Yeah, he said he'd just had a little bit of cooking wine, but I could see some cooking cocaine around his nose.


Oh, hey?

This isn't awkward for you guys, is it?

Because it's so soon after your break-up?


No, no.

I mean, we were friends before we were dating, so we thought we can do that again.



Have any of you noticed we haven't moved in five minutes?



Must be an accident.

Yeah, I'll go check it out.

I got to pee anyway.

Colleen: How's, uh, the garage? (chuckles)

(chuckles) Warm.


Yeah, warm?


Hey, they're not friends.

What are you talking about? They're fine.

Exes, they can't be friends.

(phone buzzing)

You getting a call?

I'll call back.

Nah, it's okay. You can take it outside.

I mean, none of our business, right?

No, it-it's fine.

Okay, yeah.


It's fine.

Is it fine?

All right, well, looks like this is gonna take a while.

They got a bunch of streets blocked off because the president's having a fund-raiser in the area.

And I guess the Secret Service apparently doesn't like hooker jokes anymore.

Well, this is fun. I'm having fun.

Yeah, so-so fun.

So fun.

I am so hungry.

Hey, I've got granola bars in the emergency kit back there!

Oh, yes.

Yes, Heather!

I haven't eaten in, like, three days...

Oh, get 'em out, get 'em out. waiting for this dinner.



"I.O.U. one granola bar. Tim."

Uh, "I.O.U.

"one granola bar.


"I.O.U. a toilet paper.


(phone buzzing)

Oh, you know what?

Uh, I better take it this time.


That's weird.


Here it comes.

I'm just gonna pretend to read this manual.

It's so private she has to take it outside?


I'm just saying that's rude to you guys, right?

I mean, 'cause when-when you get into a car with people, there's a sort of unwritten contract that you're gonna stay in the car with the people, be loyal to the car and-and the people, and not, like, get out and walk away from a car.

Oh, hey, uh, this car's got its own Wi-Fi hotspot.


Tim: You know what?

I got to whizz again. (laughs)

I go the bladder of an owl, which I imagine's pretty small.

Man, that's true.

(door closes)

Even elevator rides are very difficult for him.

Everything okay?

Yeah, fine.

Yeah, good.

That was just a friend?

Really, Matt? You really need to know who I was talking to?

No, I don't.


No, it's none of my business.



I mean, is it rude to get out of a car and take a phone call, you know, w-when you're hanging out with your friend and his family? I don't know.

That's between you and the Lord.

Hey, uh, Heather, what is the, uh, the Wi-Fi password here?

I want to watch some, uh, waterslide fail videos.

It's, uh, it's, uh, HotforHeater69.

Oh, I remember Low Blood Sugar Matt.

You remember this guy? Do you?



Real well.

Is he anything like your dad?

'Cause if he is, you should probably break up with him.

See, that's why she broke up with me.


Heather: Hey, you guys, can I draw your attention to this?

Check out this map.

I can zoom all the way over to Hawaii. Look.

You know what, Matt? This is not the time or the place to get into this.

Is it not?

No, it's not.

No. Is your little friend calling back?

He's not my little friend.

No, but... so it is a he?


And he's not little?


What did you just eat?


Open it.

What are you eating?

Go away!

Stop, I'll tell!

I found one of Lark's teething biscuits in my jacket.


That's half mine! Give me that.

Spit it into my mouth like a baby bird.

You know what? I thought that being friends with you would actually be better than nothing, but... news flash... it isn't. This sucks.

You think being friends with you is a walk in the park?

You are so passive-aggressive that sometimes I can't tell if I'm talking to you or your mother.


No, you did not just bring my mother into this!

I said your mother, because you know it's true!

I did bring her up... because she and you...

Oh, my goodness gracious.

(talking over each other, horn honks)

I feel like sometimes we're talking at each other.

You never listen.

(indistinct shouting)

(sighing): Oh, God...!

Colleen: This is, like, the worst idea I've ever had in my...

We could never be friends!

So sad.

Oh, I know.

They were so good together.


I left half of the teething biscuit in the car.

(horns honking, beeping)

Man: Okay, here we go!

Wait, cars are moving. Cars are moving!

We're moving!

Oh, hey! Maybe we can still make our reservation.


Where's Tim?





All: Tim!

(sirens whooping)

Oh... aw!

Oh, no, no, no. I can't lose my sense of smell.

That's what separates us from the animals.

I hope you can't see my memories up there... like what I said to Heather the day before she married you.


Uh, so you, uh, you have sinus polyps.

Oh, damn!

I wanted to go out on my own terms.

How long have I got?

No, no, no, no.

It's not serious, but you do need to get them removed, 'cause if they get any bigger, you'll never kick this cold and you might lose your sense of smell.

Oh, no, no, no.

I-I can't lose my sense of smell.

That's what separates us from the animals.

Well, I can refer you to a good doctor that can do the surgery.

No, you're doing it, and for free, or nobody's doing it.

Plus, there isn't a doctor in the world who'd be more terrified of making a mistake than you.

(sighs) Fine.


Now, I'm going to go smell some things, uh... just in case something goes wrong, eh?

Tim: This'll just be a really quick procedure.

You'll be out for about an hour, and when you wake up, you'll be good as new.


All right.

Okay, now, just go ahead and count backwards from ten.

Ten... nine...

(groggily): eight...

(garbled): seven...

(monitor beeping steadily)

Hey, do yourself a favor, guys, and Google "waterslide fails."

I mean, man, there are so many bathing suit malfunctions.

I mean, I was up till, like, 3:00 in the morning last night.

(monitor flatlines)


He's coding.

All right.

Get that crash cart in here immediately!

John! Dad! Dad!

How you feeling, John?

I'm... oh, I feel great.

You did good, Timmy.


I knew you could do it.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

I'll see you later.

You're my lawyer now.

What? What are you talking about?

I killed John during surgery this morning.

He was dead for, like, 15 seconds, but it's okay, we brought him back, he's fine.

I mean, I think he's fine.

I don't know what's going on in his brain.

He might be oxygen-deprived, he might be some sort of savant or something now.

What do, what do I know?

I left before the guy even had underwear on.

Listen, I don't... I don't want to tell him because he trusted me and I don't know what to do.

Woman (on phone): Sounds like I should call you back.

Yeah, that'd probably be best.

Look, you're the only adult I know.

Please tell me what to do.

Well, you just, you know... you need to tell him.

I mean, not legally, but-but ethically.

That's it?

Yeah, that's what I've got.

Well... then can I...

I mean, that was pretty simple advice.

Time is money.




Well, everything looks great.

The surgery was a success. (nervous laugh)

Oh, I knew you could do it, Tim.

You're-you're a good doctor, and a good son-in-law.

Thank you.


Um... there is one more thing I wanted to tell you.



What's this?

This is your heartbeat during the surgery.

And this part right here is the thing that I wanted to show you.

It's, like, flat.

Yeah, it is, yeah.

This... it's... for about 15 seconds there, your heart kind of, technically, stopped beating.

Are you saying I died?

Yeah, but... look, we brought you back, so... it's all good.

You let me die?


You let me die.


Hey, remember... no charge!

Well, I told him.

He did not take it well.

Stop talking to me.

All right. How about now?

I am a lawyer, not a stripper.

Joan: Where have you been?

We were worried.

Is that a gun?

Oh, my God, he's got a gun, that's a gun.

What is that?

It's my EKG from when your husband killed me during my surgery.


You let that man operate on you?

What do you mean, he killed you?

I would like to say that I am just learning of this right now, and I am as shocked as all of you.

Tim, is this true?

Look, it-it's not like we haven't all had this experience. I mean...



(all talking at once)

John: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's okay. Don't you see?

I beat death.

I think I might be invincible.

I don't think it works that way, dear.

I'm so proud of you, Timmy.

This was the most manly thing you've ever done, killing a fella.

That took courage.

You did good, son.

Thank you.

That was the plan all along.

Look, pass me the chips and I'll tell you what I saw in the afterlife.


John: Beautiful, bright light, a feeling of calm, and Jesus spoke to me... about water slides.