01x20 - Puppy Prank Gum Assistant

(laughing): No, it's... what are you... this is nice, isn't it?

You know, walking home from dinner?

We should do this more often.


Or we could just drink less.

Then we can drive home.

True. Hey, look at this.

Tyler's school.


It's a nice place to just sit and do nothing, huh?

God knows that's all Tyler Yeah. ever does, come on!


Hey, I'm, uh, I'm pretty funny when I'm buzzed.

You are.

(sighs) And tired.

We've only walked two blocks.


(laughs) You know, when I was in high school, we used to rearrange the letters on these signs all the time.

It was a classic prank.

Oh, we did that, too!

Both: Yeah.


(door closes)

Heather: Hey!


Hey, buddy. How was school today?

Anything, uh, classic happen?


But someone messed with our marquee.


They changed "Freshman Elections" to "Fleshman Erections."

(both laughing)

What's so funny?

The school canceled our senior trip.

Wait, wait, wait... what?

Yeah, they have a zero tolerance policy on vandalism.

The cops are looking into it.


For switching around a couple letters?

What...? What are they arresting people for doing crossword puzzles over there now... what?

Because of the nature of the message, they're actually considering it a s*x crime.


Ah! Wow!

Wow, that is...

I mean, that, that is right out of left field.

Yeah, well, until someone confesses, the senior trip is off.

And Clementine was saying there was a chance we'd s... ski together.

I thought you were going to Hoover Dam.

Do you think they've skied together before?

I don't know.

I bet she's a great skier, though.

Oh, God, please don't say that.

Woman: You're Tyler's parents, right?

How can I help you?

Uh... well, we wanted to come down here and talk to you about the vandalized sign.

Ah, yes, we've received many complaints.

And some compliments, too, right?

I mean, you have to admit it was pretty classic.

I found it vulgar.

And vulgar.

And due to its sophomoric nature, we're certain it's a junior or senior.

Okay, well, uh, actually it-it was us.

We did it and we are really sorry.

We thought we should come down here and confess so that the senior trip can go ahead as planned.

You're saying that you rearranged the sign?

We were a little tipsy coming home from dinner, so...

No, he was tipsy. I only had four.

I see.

Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I mean, we also, we just thought we wanted to come down and model good behavior.


I mean, to-today!

We weren't before, but we...

Okay, well, I have other things to get to, so...

Right. Yeah.

Thank you for having us.

(door closes)

They think I did it.



Everyone can go on the senior trip now, but me.

Principal Bundy said that you two came in to confess, which means that I did it, because no adult would do something so stupid.

It wasn't stupid.


It was classic.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

You did do it.

What were you guys thinking?

I don't know.

(mumbles): "I don't know."

That-that's really your answer?

Are-are-are you mad at us?

I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed.





Hey, come on!

Hey, hey, hey! You know what?

We will go in there tomorrow and we will fix this whole thing.

For once, I'd like to come home, have a nice dinner with my family, do some homework and then go to sleep without all this drama.


He's totally disappointed in you.

No, I told you... you did it!

You're the one he's disappointed in.

No, I told you that maybe we should go back...

If you had just... and told her, and told her her sweater looked nice, we could've left this whole thing behind.


(indistinct chatter)

No, honey, look.

This photo of your dad mooning the sign?

That proves that you're innocent.

Girl: There he is.

Tyler, heard you're the one who did the sign!

No, no, I...

That was hilarious.

Thank you, finally.

Are you here to make more excuses for your son?

(kids clamoring in admiration)


No, no, no, no.

No, uh, we-we are here to let him know once and for all that we are very disappointed in this inappropriate prank.


Even though it was a classic.

Mm-hmm, that's right.

(school bell rings)

Who knew it was such a big deal?

I mean, when we were in high school, pranks were just harmless fun.

People are so sensitive now.

I guess we'll just have to adapt.

Aw, man, it's like they're begging us.

No, no, no, no, no! We-we got to walk away.

We got to, we...

I don't know that I can!

Yeah, you can, you can.

Walk away, walk away.


Come in.


Hi, Jake.

Sorry to interrupt.

Oh, what is that?

That is dinner for your family.


I didn't want to let any of my cooking lessons go to waste.

There's a blowtorch inside, so you can really scorch the duck.

But tableside.

Well, you know I like a scorched duck.

Now, please, go home to that baby already.

Oh, her name's Lark.

I know. I'm actually writing a lullaby for her birthday.

Have a nice evening.

I like what you're throwing down.

All right, bye-bye.

(hammer banging)

Jen: Hi, honey!

You're home early.

And with dinner.

Hi, beautiful.

I got so much work done today, my to-do list is now a to-done list.


Well, that's impressive.

Well, I had help.

Oh, yeah, uh, is it chapped-lips Amber?

I thought she was a horrible assistant.

Oh, no, Amber, no.

Yeah, she went to rehab for something.

s*x or meth or elaborate nail art.

Anyway, she and her whore nails are out.

And things are running real smooth.

Ah, great.


So, who's the new girl?

Hmm? Oh, just, um...

(stammers) I want to know about your day.

Oh, well. (scoffs)

Uh, it's always the same at a crowd funding Web site.

You know, just making stupid dreams come true.

Uh, today, someone got 50 grand to fund a hammer that says, "Nailed it"


Yeah, so I invested in it.

(doorbell rings)

Who is that?

I don't know.

(clears his throat)

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, Jake.

Sorry to bother you, Jen, But you left the Dufresne brief in the office.

Um... okay, I'll take that.

Jake: No, it's heavy. I'll just put it right here on the table.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Um, hey, you know, you didn't, you didn't have to run that all the way over here.

It's just a little warm-up before my work out. It's no big deal.



You must be Mr. Short.

Oh, oh, have you never met?

Uh, no, no, no, we haven't.

Jake, your wife's secretary.


Greg for short.

Uh... my wife's husband.

Well, we've had a lot of laughs here tonight together, and I think, uh, let's just call it.

So... okay.


It's... dumb hammer!

(chuckles weakly)

Hey, so, uh, Jake seems, uh, terrific.


You're fine with him being my assistant?


Gosh, I thought for sure as soon as you saw him, that pull-up bar would be back in the door jamb.

(clattering) No. No. Not at all.

What was that? Did something just fall?

Huh? What?



You smell like cookies.


My man! What's happening?

Jake: Mr. Short! Hi, how are you?

Greg: Found it.

Jake: Yep.

Oh, no.

Nice jacket.

Oh, this old thing? (scoffs)

I've had it for ages.

It's one of Jen's favorites.

Oh, you've, uh... you've still got the tag on it.

Jen: Uh...



Hi, honey. There's my queen.

Come here, give me some sugar.

What? Oh...

(clears throat)

Wow, that-that-that was a week's worth.


So thanks.

What exactly are you doing here?

Well, I just happen to have a sixth sense when it comes to what my woman needs, and I saw this and I thought I'd just run it on over.

No big "D."

This is my Filofax from 2003.

Anytime you see a red heart in the calendar, it means that we banged. Okay?

Oh, my God.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Jen Short's office.

(chair squeaks loudly)

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jakey boy, what was that I heard?

A squeak? Yeah, your chair's a squeaker, all right?

Nine out of ten times, it's because of the hydraulics.

So let me take a look under the hood.

Come on. Let me see.


Throw your back out again?



Come here, baby.

All right.

It's okay.

Just give him a minute.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Did you thank Jake for carrying me in here?

Yeah. He just ran to his car to grab his massage table.

He's also a certified physical therapist.

I'm just gonna assume that he is everything until you tell me otherwise.

Look, honey, you don't have to be threatened by him.

Okay? You're my husband, and I love you.

But if-if this really upsets you, I will fire a perfectly innocent, hard-working guy who helps your wife be at the top of her game.

Is that, is that what you want?

Well... if you put it like that... yeah, that's exactly what I want.

Okay, well, legally I can't fire him, but I do appreciate you finally being honest with me.

(door opens)

Okay, Mr. Short.

I am not taking no for an answer.

It was my fault for letting that chair get so squeaky.

I should've fixed it when I built that desk.

Wow. He really is good.

Isn't he?

I wish I could find an assistant like you.

Actually, my sister just graduated from Oxford University and she would love to work for you.

If the Miss Universe circuit taught her anything, it was the value of hard work.

She sounds good!

Yeah, okay, you're fired.

Oh, it's really in there.

Just... uh, stay calm.

I am calm.

I'm talking to myself.

Heather: Hi, Mom.

Joan: Hi, honey.

Hey, you guys, look. Mom-Mom's making dinner, so you eat whatever it is that she makes you.

Keep an eye on this one, because she has become very creative about not eating her vegetables.

Oh, I remember all your old tricks.

You used to stuff your bra with broccoli.

Heather: And this one over here just got her period, so she's not a lot of fun right now.


What? She gets it.

Well, she used to. She remembers.

It's okay, sweetie, we'll still have some fun.

Listen to Mom-Mom.

Have fun, dear.

Bye, Mom.

(whispering): Shh, we gotta play it cool.

(door closes)

We're not safe until that car leaves the driveway.


It's always so fun over here.

I wish we lived closer.

We live across the street, you stupid imp.

I know you're still in there, my sweet Samantha.

Come back to me.

Let's focus on... bubbles.

One... two... hmm.



Can I have another piece, Mom-Mom? I lost mine.

Oh. I think I found it.

Oh, no! Oh, oh...

Oh, don't move, honey.

It'll just go in worse.


Oh, it's really in there.

Just... stay calm.

I am calm.

No, I'm talking to myself, honey.

It... just... your mom is going to be so furious.

She has no idea what we do over here.

Can I have another piece of gum?

No, no, no more gum.

But it helps me when I'm stressed.

Oh, of course you can, honey.

Just let me get this piece out and then you get another piece.



This might be a stupid question, but can we chew the gum out?

No, honey, I-I think we're gonna try the peanut butter next.

I ate it all.

Damn it!

Oh, I'm so sorry, honey.

I-I wasn't, I wasn't cursing at you, I was, uh, cursing w-with you.

I can curse?


Well, maybe a couple.

Hey, Mom-Mom, I got the Vaseline you wanted.

Joan: Thanks, honey.

Oh. This has the look of Mom blowing up.

I'm out.

Me, too. Good luck, people.

Hey. Hey, guys... who-who bought you thong panties last week when your mom wouldn't?

And, Tyler, who's got your back when you tell your mom you're sleeping over here and you don't?

You know, horses of a feather, they don't abandon the ship.


Problem solved.

Joan: Oh, no...

You're welcome.

Heather: Look at all this junk food.

Mom! Where did this come from?

I mean, when we were kids, the most sugary thing you would let us have was cough syrup.

Things change, honey.

It's the natural flow of life.

Stop talking about my period!

I just, I don't understand it.

You were always so strict.

Yeah, I was too strict, and it was a constant, exhausting battle.

And I had to sit there and listen to you tell me how much more fun it was over at GiGi's.

Yeah, because GiGi would let me eat an entire tube of cookie dough.

Don't look at me.


Honey, I was always saying no.

Now it's my time to say yes.

Okay, I just...

I don't know how comfortable I am having the kids over here if I know you don't respect my rules.

But, Mom... you let Pop-Pop smoke cigars in our backyard even though he's not supposed to.


Ooh, boy.

You do what?

It's not my job to tell him no.


Well, Tyler's smoking a lot more than cigars out in my shed.

Why don't you ride his ass?


I just came in here for some cookie dough.

Damn it, Samantha.

Damn it to you.

Oh, now, now, we're all very frustrated, but at least there's no more secrets between us.

Tim: Hey, John!

The neighbors are shooting p0rn in their yard again.


I found your binoculars.

(clears throat) Yeah.

Tank is not ridiculous.

(Tank yips)

She is the mayor of Doggie Pack City.

It's great to see you.

Been missing you around the house.

Oh. You specifically or other people?

I don't know, I'm just being nice.

Well, I think Princess really misses Matt.

John: What does it mean when they sniff around like that?

Sometimes when a dog's head goes one way, it's butt goes the other. Doesn't mean anything.

Wow, you know so much about dogs.

Lots. (chuckles)


You know, we should do this again.

It's nice to catch up.

About dogs and parks and... Matt.


But maybe don't mention that we're hanging out, in case he's feeling raw about the breakup.

Like, sneaking around?

That sounds fun.

Uh, what do you call an affair when there's no s*x with the other person?

A friendship.


(door closes)

Hey, Dad. Where you been?

Uh, at the store, because we're out of cheese.

I mean, bread. Did I say cheese?

I don't know why I would say cheese.

Uh, I was at the post office.

Uh, did you get stamps?

Why would I get stamps at the dog park?


Oh, damn it. Uh, geez.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

I had to find out, uh... what?

I just told you, I was with Colleen.

No, you didn't just tell me that.

Oh, well, then forget I said anything.

Whoa, whoa!


You were with Colleen?

Yeah, she's helping me with Tank?


Uh, you're not mad at me?

No, of course not.

You're an adult with a ridiculous dog, she's an adult with a ridiculous dog, I just don't need to hear about it.

Tank is not ridiculous.

(Tank yips)

She is the mayor of Doggie Pack City.

John: Eh?

(chuckling): Wow.

Look at Tank and Princess.

You had professional portraits made.

Yeah, imagine the wedding night, huh?



No, thanks.

You owe me 23 bucks, but you can pay me anytime.




John. Hi.



It's really late. Is everything okay?

Yeah, I know. No, I know it's late, but there's someone here that can't wait till morning to talk to you.


(cartoonish): Hi, I got a new collar.

Do you like it?

It's really cute.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, what's this?

I entered Princess and Tank in a big dog show.

First prize is a Geo Storm, so we should drive there together in case one of us wins.

John, I don't think I can do this.

No, no, I-I know Princess is a mutt, but I lied to them about the pedigree, so it's fine.

No. No, I've been meaning to talk to you about this.

I love the time that we spend together.


But it's too much.


And it's too complicated.

I think we should start seeing other dogs.

Oh, I see.


Here, Tank.


(Tank yips)


I'm sorry.

By the way, this whole time, Tank has been sharing the water bowl at Boston Market with a really good-looking pug.

(video game guns firing)

I think Tank misses Princess.

Dad, we agreed that we are not gonna discuss Colleen.

No, this is not about Colleen.

I was just thinking that maybe you had some visitation rights with Princess that you could take advantage of.

Damn it, Dad, I'm trying really hard to move on from her.

Don't do it for me, son.

Do it for your little sister here.

(cartoonish): Help me.

Don't punish me for things our father did.

Okay, first of all, don't refer to her as my little sister.

And second of all, don't use that voice.

Do it or get out of my house, eh?

You already used that this morning when you told me to kill the spider.

There's no limit to how many times I can use it.

(door closes)

Oh, God.

Good job. Get the ball. Good going.

So excited, so excited, I know.




Both: How are...

How are you? (both laugh)

Good. How are you?

I'm good.

Um, I hear my dad got a little needy.

You heard right.

Don't know how you didn't see that coming.

(both laugh)


I should call up Greg, get him down here.

You can break up with all the men in my family.



Okay. Come on. Jokes.


You look good.

You, too.

Change your hair?


You lost weight?


Did something with your eyebrows?


Knew it.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Very perceptive.

Thank you.

I-I know that Tank needs a friend, and so, um, since my dad is too much for you, maybe I could... bring her by.

Once in a while.

I'd like that.

All right.


All right, you want to say good-bye?

Bye, Tank.

Bye, say good-bye.

See you soon. See you very soon.

Good-bye. Bye.

"Very soon."



Very soon sounds good. Okay.


All right.




How's Princess?

He's-he's good.

And how are you?

I'm okay.

It's nice how fate... brought you two together.


Now let's get out of here and go get a cheeseburger.

Fate is getting hungry.

(engine starting)