01x21 - Cinderella Fantasy Prom Dougie

Tim: Come on, Gophers!

(grunts, laughs)

Why were you wearing a dress in college?

Because, Sam, a man wearing a dress was funny before it was brave.

Honey, zip me up.

Yeah.

I know this might seem odd, but the last time Mount St. Gary's made it to the tournament, Tim wore this exact same dress and they won.

It was a Cinderella story.

Huh?

(laughs)

You look like Barbie's confused older brother.

Oh, leave him alone. Our alma mater's winning.

I'm pretty sure it's all because of the dress.

No, it's not all because of the dress.

There's only one way to find out.

Announcer: Hey now, what an ugly turn of events for Mount St. Gary's.

Mm-hmm.

That turnover just cost them their lead.

Mm...

Wow, look at that.

The Gophers knock down a three and have regained the lead.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Not sure I want this much power.

Incredible. The 15 seed is about to upset the number two seed.

(cheering)

Cinderella Mount St. Gary's advances to the round of 32.

That's how we do it! Yeah! (whoops)

Oh, no!

Oh, I ripped a big hole in the side of my dress.

Now I look stupid.

Yeah, now you do.

Good thing I carry a sewing kit in my clutch.

I like that color on you, Daddy.

Thank you.

Heather: Ooh!

What a charming tea party. But I need you to get going.

Remember? You were gonna take the girls to the mall today.

Oh. Saddle up, Soph!

Uh, y-you're not gonna go dressed like that, are you?

Stays on till we lose.

Honey, in college, you only wore the dress during the games.

Right. And we didn't go all the way. I'm not making that mistake again. Why else would I still be wearing the dress?

Sophia: Okay.

Well, that makes all of this a little bit less special.

When my dad had a breakdown, my mom sent him to the country.

He says it's about basketball.

I don't want to wear it... I have to.

Well, you are giving me lots of material for my memoir.

(thunking)

Oh. Oh, oh.

Okay, okay. Flat tire.

Girls, cover your ears.

(horn honks)

Are you working Timmy Sherman's sixth birthday, too?

Oh, no! It's for basketball.

Mount St. Gary's.

A Cinderella story?

Oh, yeah. I get it.

I got them in my bracket, so don't take that off.

No.

Can I help you with that?

Yeah, thanks. Yeah.

Ow. (groans)

Is this yours?

Yes.

It fits. (chuckles)

It's perfect.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Heather: I can't believe it's only been two days, because your dress is ripe.

All right. Come on, Gophers!

Come on! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

We either win or lose this game in the next ten seconds.

I know. Just think, in the next ten seconds, this could all be over.

Here, touch the hem of my garment for good luck.

No, I'm good. I'm good.

Touch it, we need a miracle.

Announcer: Two seconds to go.

Anderson takes the shot.

Unreal!

(buzzer sounds)

From midcourt, he makes it.

Oh! Yeah!

And Mount St. Gary's is going (whoops) Yes!

To the Sweet 16.

(humming)

Great!

Oh! How lucky!

Another five days of this!

I know.

I know. My new driver's license photo's gonna be ruined, but it'll be worth it.

Oh, wow. It just keeps getting better.

Tim: Got a man wide open! The alley-oop to Elbroke!

Oh, Elbroke slams it in! And we got a buzzer beater!

Ooh, we got a big upset here! (chuckles)

He passes it off to Renfro. Renfro shoots it from the...

It's caught at the the three-pointer from way...

Heather!

Where is my dress?!

Which one?

Oh, don't you play coy with me.

You know that's just for buying cars.

Okay. I... I-I couldn't stand to see you in a dress anymore, so I threw the dress into the Paretskys' backyard, their dog saw it, came over, cowered a little, and then he had diarrhea all over it.

What?! Oh, Heather!

Not much of a watchdog.

What? (sighs)

You... oh, Heather.

Announcer: Another turnover by Mount St. Gary's, who's down by 20 with time running out.

It wasn't the same Gopher team out there.

It's as if they lost their mojo.

Not lost, Jim Nantz! Their mojo was thrown out!

What a heartbreaking end...

(buzzer sounds)

(TV shuts off)

(sighs)

(groans)

What? I...

(scoffs) What's that, a gift?

You know, you can't buy my forgiveness with a gift.

Unless it's a deep fryer. Is that a deep fryer?

Do you really think a deep fryer could fit into this box?

I don't know. I just wanted something deep fried.

It's not a deep fryer.

But it'll make you feel just as fat.

A new Cinderella dress.

It's for next year. And... to give us a little extra help, I got a little something for myself.

This way, we can be ridiculous together.

(crying over monitor)

(both groan)

You ever think there'll be a day where the baby monitor will wake us up by saying, "Hello, Mom and Dad.

I am in need of assistance."

Yeah. Or like, "You know what, I'll go to work. You guys stay in and wet your pants all day."

(chuckles)

(shrilly): Sign it, Greg!

Also, you have to give me $14 for the gift.

We got the boss shot glasses for every day of the week, but Friday's is bigger.

Oh. Uh, no. This is, uh...

Sorry. You're gonna have to come back to me.

It's too much pressure to be the first to sign.

You handle thousands of dollars in crowdfunding every day.

I think you can handle a birthday card.

Right.

(clears throat)

Chase is in a bad mood.

He gave up carbs, dairy, and Sugar.

Oh, not sugar the food. Sugar the woman who waters the plants.

His wife caught Chase fertilizing her.

Get it?

Yes.

Just... no pressure.

None.

Just... make it good.

Chase: Greg, your birthday wishes are thoughtful, poignant... (chuckles) and hilarious.

I'm not even sure what I wrote. (chuckles)

Well, it makes me want to be a better man, and it gives me a chubster in the downstairs area.

Where's Mailroom Mark?

Here, sir.

I got some news for you.

Your mom was Copy Room Janet, and you're my son.

Dad!

Oh! (laughs)

You're so creative, Greg. I'm tired of funding other people's stupid dreams here.

It's time you crowdfund one of your own.

W... I-I've thought the same thing.

Of course you have. It's your fantasy.

Woman: Greg!

Greg, hurry up.

I've got some tilapia in the microwave.

I-I just... don't want to make it seem like I'm trying too hard.

Greg, is this your idea of a joke?

I...

I don't remember what I wrote.

(stutters)

That's him. You didn't write anything.

There's just a drawing here of a man with a very large nose and big, hairy eyes underneath.

Woman: Gross.

Chase, this has got to be some sort of...

Oh, clean out your desk, Greg.

Joan: And don't bother coming home.

Mom?

Matt was always my favorite.

Dad.

I have no son.

No, Dad...

Hmm? Okay, I have one son.

It's over, Greg. I've moved on.

Coach Murray from middle school?

Should've climbed that rope, Greg.

'Cause now your wife is climbing mine.

You make me sick.

Greg. Greg. Greg!

Milly, will you please just let me think, all right?

Your voice is so...

(music starts playing)

Wh... Where's that music coming from?

It's my ringtone.

Oh, God, it's my mom.

She's so annoying.

I kind of hate her. She has this voice that's so high-pitched that it's really, really irritating.

She sounds like a baby crying. I don't really like hanging out with her. She's from Santa Fe, New Mexico...

Shh!

Why are you looking at me like that?

I've got an idea.

It took you long enough.

All right.

CriTunes? What the heck does that mean?

It's a baby monitor, all right?

But it takes the cries of your baby and it turns those grating cries into soothing music.

Cri-Tunes.

CriTunes.

Yes!

What is this?

Oh, Mom!

I'm just not ready to be a grandma yet, okay? You just... you rip it like that. Hold this.

All right, I got to get behind you and pretend that I'm you, otherwise I can't tie this right.

(shutter clicks)

Ah, there you go.

Got to do the same thing with your cummerbund.

What?

Yeah.

You don't need to do my cummerbund.

I know I don't need to, Oh.

But it's your prom, And this is one of those things that a dad really remembers.

Hey, Tim, whenever you're done doing whatever it is you're doing there, could I have a minute alone with Tyler?

Looks like your mom wants a turn with you.

Oh, you look so nice.

Okay.

For prom.

What is this?

Oh, Mom!

Okay, these are called condoms.

And you know your dad likes to buy in bulk.

Well, he got these before his vasectomy...

Mom...

I'm just not ready to be a grandma yet, okay?

You just... you just rip it like that... hold this.

Okay, if it breaks like that, I will be a grandmother.

Oh, what are you...

Put 'em in your pockets.

I am going to miss these moments with you.


Joan: Hi!

We're here for pictures!

Oh, look at you.

We don't need to capture this.

(shutter clicks)

Oh, goodness.

How many girls are you going with?

(laughs nervously)

Here, I'll... I'll help you clean up.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Heather: Oh, thanks, Mom.

Have you ever, you know, seen one of these personally?

Hmm? John, get a banana.

Tyler doesn't know how to use a rubber.

Oh, you guys are weirding the kid out.

He's got a prom to go to.

Thanks, Pop-Pop.

Yeah.

Your mother and grandmother have a problem with boundaries.

They don't know how to talk to you like you're an adult.

(high-pitched voice): But I do.

Let's talk about how to get a girl's bra off when you're kissing her neck.

What bra?

What is that?

This is Cheeto's girlfriend, Dorita.

She's here to show you the bases.

Seriously?

Every other kid just gets the no-drinking talk.

Oh, no, no, you need to drink or that thing's going to go off like a Roman candle before you even get your pants down.

(high-pitched voice): You said it.

You look beautiful.

So do you.

I got your corsage.

Okay.

Sorry, um, those are from my mom.

(rock music playing)

Isn't this great?

Didn't you love how every single guy won Prom King and every single girl won Prom Queen?

Yeah.

Yeah, our school is so inclusive.

It was perfect. Everything is perfect.

You're perfect.

Wow.

Come on.

Come here.

You know how I feel about you.

Me, too. And... you. Me.

And I think it's time we take our relationship to the next level.

Absolutely. Up we go.

I want to know that our souls are gonna go to the same place when we die.

Wow. This is intense.

I want us to be together in every way possible.

Yes. In every way.

Or even in just one way.

That's why I want to give you this.

This ring is my promise to keep myself pure until the first time that I have s*x... on my wedding night.

Will you marry me?

(knocking at door)

Jen: Hey, buddy.

What are you doing in here all by yourself?

Oh, God, you're watching p0rn.

No, I'm not watching p0rn.

Yet.

And also anymore.

Ooh.

No, I'm-I'm looking at my Netflix history.

See, Colleen and I still share a password, so I can see firsthand how well she's doing without me. Look.

Uh-huh.

Jen: Uh, sports documentaries.

Yeah. Colleen hates sports.

And she watched this one on a Monday, which means that not only is she seeing somebody, but they're already at the point where they're hanging out on Mondays and... you know, watching Netflix.

Okay, well, listen, maybe this is an opportunity for you to get back out there, too.

You know? Maybe... hop in the shower, give hygiene the old college try.

I don't know, Jen. I don't think I'm ready.

Okay. Well, maybe just the shower part, then.

Jen: Uh, hey, Vanda.

Quick pregunta.

You're not seeing anyone right now, are you?

Why do you ask?

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go on a date with my brother-in-law this Friday. I assumed from your late-night ice cream tweets that you were single.

No, I'm dating an artisanal ice cream artist.

The pictures are part of our foreplay.

Okay, let's go back to being small-talk friends.

Let's do that.

Uh, did I just hear the chocolate and peanut butter of "Friday" and "date"?

Dougie, hi.

Always a pleasure.

No, I was just, uh, I was wondering if Vanda was free.

Well, I'm free.

What about me?

I like ice cream and foreplay.

But if I get going, I'm gonna need a whole lot of one and very little of the other.

Yeah, me, too.

I just thought that, um, you were seeing someone.

He died.

Oh.

So, tell me about your brother-in-law.

Could he pick me up, like, physically?

If we were to get in a fight, who do you think could win between the two of us?

Uh... you.

Yeah.

(whoops)

I'm in!

Yeah?

Let's do this!

Okay.

Tell him to wear something smart... no jeans, no tank tops, no baseball caps.

I'm like a Puerto Rican nightclub.

You sure are.

Joan: This is so exciting.

I think it's very important that you get back out there.

Yeah, it's also very important that you manage expectations.

Dougie wasn't my first choice.

But she's my boss' daughter, so I couldn't really say no.

What does that mean?

That she's, yeah, uh, a little rough around the edges.

Joan: Well, I don't care if she's a pizza box with eyes.

He's going on a date.

You have given him the greatest gift. Mwah.

Mom's right... I need to get back up on the horse.

That's actually a really good analogy in this case.

Hey-o! You must be Matt.

Dougie?

Yep, that's me.

Good God, you're like bones.

Jen did not tell me you were so scrawny.

Never dated a man I couldn't share a belt with.

I haven't been eating a lot since I got over this break-up...

Okay, save it for pillow talk.

Where's your ball and where's your shoes?

I'm renting them.

Oh, God, okay.

Uh, I'll meet you at three.

I can't be seen with a renter.

This is super embarrassing.

Rookie mistake!

You always bring your own ball!

Come on!

Boo-yah!

(grunting)

Yeah.

X it out, Bony Island.

(whoops)

Whoa!

Final score.

218-47.

You suck!

And your tie's dumb.

Thank you.

Well, this has been a great night.

I've learned so much about-about bowling, Mm-hmm.

Its culture, and the art of thawing meat.

Yeah, night's not over.

You still haven't met the steamer.

You say that and it makes me scared.

It's just my cat.

Oh, thank God.

My trouser cat.

(groan-like chuckling)

(laughing)

What do you say? Come on over.

I've got an opening for one with your little skinny name on it.

Yeah, I just don't think...

Ooh!

.. that I'm in that place quite yet.

And also it seems like you hate me.

That's what makes it hot.

Right.

Yeah, see, Headlocks!

I'm not really in that hate-sex phase.

(groans) Forget you then!

The night is still young.

I can still find a business man in Chinatown who likes a good steamed bun.

Pfft.

So, the date didn't go well?

If that's what's out there, I don't want it.

I could've lost a finger!

I know, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's just not possible to enjoy yourself when you're still holding onto Colleen.

I'm not holding onto Colleen.

I'm not.

I haven't called her in a week.

I changed my relationship status.

I stopped trying to run into her at the gym... I'm over her.

What did she watch on Netflix last night?

White Chicks.

Well, she's got good taste.

You can't argue that.

(knocking)

Hi.

Hi. Wh-what are you doing here?

Just wanted to get you your stuff back.

Oh, okay. Right-right now?

Yeah, well, I, um...

Sorry.

Uh-huh.

(door closes)

Hey, look, I had always assumed that we were gonna get back together.

Um, and, uh, I see from the Netflix history that you're dating someone, so I think that it's time that I let go of the idea that you are the one.

(door opens)

Matt?

I-I'm not dating anybody.

What?

I'm not dating anybody.

But you're hanging out with somebody.

I mean, his truck is in your driveway.

Matt, how could I possibly be hanging out with somebody when, when all I do is think about you?

I mean, this last month has been the loneliest month of my life.

I should've never broken up with you.

I was, I was just scared.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I'd already messed things up enough, and I didn't want to hurt you anymore.

I'm sorry, I just feel like such a fool.

No, you're not the fool. I'm the fool.

Why?

Because I've been letting you talk this whole time when I should've just done this.

You still haven't explained the Netflix history or the truck in the driveway.

Oh, that.

Um, Chad rented out his room to someone on his legal team. Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, right on, I mean, he seems kind of like nice and quiet...

Dougie: Sorry the hammock broke!

Oh, my God, no.

Yeah, that's, uh, Dougie. My new roommate.

Can't breathe.

Well, look what the cat trouser dragged back in.

Oh, you know each other.

(sexy purr)

(laughs)

Okay.

Okay.