01x22 - Crytunes Divorce Tablet Ring

(smooth jazz plays)


What's up?

What? What's-what...?


What is that music?

Are we listening to the funeral home station?

No, we're listening to my prototype.

Jen: Wha...?

(Greg grunts)

Yeah, it's turning Lark's cries into soothing music.

May I present: CryTunes.

Yeah. I posted it at my work.

We're live, baby, and raising funds.

Oh, so you are crowdfunding your own idea.


See, got a little description, and these are all the rewards that backers can get.

"$100, personalized mixtape."

Well, yeah, I mean, I'm the king of those.

So what do you think?

Who? Oh, me?


You don't like it.


You know what, it feels a little bit like I'm, like, shopping for curtains at a high-end outdoor mall.

Well, uh, you can change the music.

(electronic dance music plays)


No. No, no, no.

Well, no, I mean, you can... it can be any kind of music.

It doesn't have to be...

Yeah, not this one.

It doesn't have to be these two, but the music will keep going as long as Lark keeps crying.

Greg, L-Lark is crying.

No, no. No, Lark is crying.


Yeah, she's a living baby.

(Lark crying)



Yes! 25%.

Take that, documentaries about anime.

Hey, babe. What are you doing here?

Um, I came for my mixtape.

You donated?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I was... I was feeling bad about this morning.

I feel like I gave your idea lukewarm support, and it should have been hot, you know?

It should have been a steaming pile of hot support.

So you believe in it?

Honestly, more than anything, I... was thinking about how much I believe in you.

Thank you, honey.

Now, if you believe in me just a hundred bucks more, your reward is a caricature.

Now, I can give you big eyes or big boobs.

Which do you want?

I draw 'em both the same.

(computer chimes)

Greg: 30%!


Hey, there, Greg.

Saw you posted something on our Web site.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you can still get in on the ground floor, you know, get rich.

I'm already rich. See, here's the thing.

Posting your own product is, uh, it's a conflict of interest.

You know, it's like, uh... oh, it's like taking your sister-in-law to a drive-in movie and getting her drunk on a little apple wine and making out with her... and-and then regretting it later.

It's just not done.

But, uh, we-we... we're-we're 50% funded in-in just under three hours.

I mean, even the ball wipe guys, it-it took them a month to do that.

The creators of Cleanuts don't work here.

They smoke weed and throw food at each other's balls.

That's how they came up with the idea.

Are you saying the entire time that I work here, I can't do anything creative ever?

I'm not saying that.

I want people to be creative.

If you want to, you know, mix flavors at the soda fountain or bring in a jigsaw puzzle, (chuckles) I think it'd be great.

The point is I would take it down, if I were you, but that's just me.

You dig?

Anyway, I'm just glad Greg's feeling inspired, you know?

I mean, aside from Lark and our smoke alarm going off every time we cook a steak, there's really not much excitement in our house.

Well... that's about to change.

Uh, what's up?


Uh, you're-you're home early.

Yeah, well, um, I got some big news.

Uh, so-so do I. Um...

Yeah, well, let me go first, 'cause I'm taller.

So CryTunes has reached twice its funding goal in its first day.

Wow, that-that's amazing.

And how would you feel about me maybe quitting my job to focus solely on... on CryTunes?

And before you answer, know that I may have already quit my job.

You-you... you "may have" quit your job?

I quit my job.

There were ultimatums given, uh, of a legal nature I-I don't want to bore you with...

I'm a lawyer, Greg.

But after you came in, it just really pumped me up, you know?

And-and I can't do this without you, so I know it's gonna be hard around here.

You know, we're gonna have to tighten some belts...

Actually, I think I'm gonna have to loosen mine.

I'm pregnant.

(smooth jazz plays)

Whatever happened to Murph?

Oh, Murph. Hell of a pilot.

He died at an airshow.

Oh, damn. Damn. A daredevil, though.

No, he choked on a funnel cake.

John was there from the beginning, when Karyl and I first worked the same flight.

Yeah, I remember that.

Carol was my copilot, and Karyl with a "K" was a stewardess.

Uh, I remember I asked 'em to bring some nuts up to the cockpit, but they were in the lav.

And-and, you know, nuts were the last thing on their mind.


Hey, Aunt Carol.


Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, hi.


Congratulations on your wedding.

Joan: Isn't it wonderful, honey?

Over 35 years, and now they can make it legal.

And now you can, too, huh?

What's that?



(laughing): What? What is it, Mom?

Oh, it-it... it's wine, honey.

Okay, what-what's happening?

Why will no one make eye contact with me?

Aunt Carols?

Fasten your seatbelt, hon.

Okay, you guys, come on, I'm a grown-up.

Whatever it is, I can handle this.

Your mother and I aren't married.


Honey, it was 1980.

Carol and Karyl couldn't get married, so your dad and I divorced in protest.

So you've been divorced for 35 years?

Uh, yeah.

We've always been very married in our hearts, which is all that matters.

This explains so much.

This is... I'm a child of divorce.

This is why I lick doorknobs, this is why...

Wait, do Matt and Greg know about this?

We thought it best not to tell all of you, so, please, don't bother your brothers...


Oh, Heather, please.


She never was my best listener.


Colleen, we work together...

(door opens)

Heather: Matt!


Uh, am I interrupting something?

Huh? No. What's up?

I have got some news that is going to shake you to...

Okay, can you please turn her around?


Okay, Mom and Dad got a divorce, and they never told us.



Is this my fault?

Oh, no, no, it's not your fault.

Am I going to have to choose whose garage to move into?

John: Now, whatever happened to Murph?

Oh, Murph. Hell of a pilot.

He died at an airshow.

Oh, damn. Damn. A daredevil, though.

No, he choked on a funnel cake.


(door opens)

You know, for all the times you guys judged me for getting divorced.

At least I told people, or, you know, they saw the cop car in the front yard and just assumed.

Heather: All right, the only way to handle this is you have to get remarried.

Right now.

You know, I think you're both overreacting.


We now come from a broken home.

I'm probably going to end up becoming a stripper.


John: Well, look, it didn't affect anything.

Honestly, we just forgot.

Well, we didn't both forget.

Yeah, we didn't want to disrupt the family over this.

Oh, so-so-so all this time, you just... you stayed divorced for the kids?


You're such a wonderful family.

Joan: Karyl is just glowing.

I'm happy for you both.


Are you a little jealous?


A little bit?

I mean, I always thought we'd get remarried, but it doesn't matter.

It's never too late.

Ask him to marry you.

I'd never do that.

I asked Karyl.

We were flying back from Guatemala.

Customs asked me if I had anything to declare.

I said, "Six cartons of cigarettes and the love of this good woman."

(both laugh)


Greg: Liars!

Well... they just told Greg.

When did they divorce?





I-I-I was born in 1981.

Uh... which means...

I'm a... b*st*rd.

Oh, oh, oh.

God, it almost makes it worth it.

You old b*st*rd.

You're playing with an app that changes your hairstyle.

Hey, look at this handsome guy.

Oh, man, I am so glad I got this thing.

This way, I can look at my patients' files and I can video conference with my fellow doctors.

You're playing with an app that changes your hairstyle.

Well, that may not seem important to able-haired people like yourself, but to me, it is.

Ugh, I don't know how you can sit there and do that knowing that my parents' marriage is a complete fraud.

It's not a fraud.

It was just a lie that they told you for your entire life.

Hey, check out this handsome fella.

God, put it away.

(door closes)

Sophia: Hi, Mom.

Oh, hey, sweetie!

How was school?

Same stuff, different day.


How was Samantha's Student of the Month ceremony?

Oh, God. Oh, no.

I should've known something was wrong when I had free time!

No mother with free time is a good mother!

Come on, maybe we can still make it.

You can't. It was hours ago.

Maybe there's a chance!

There's no chance.

Maybe the speeches ran long.

Come on, let's go. Ow!


Oh, honey! Honey, you okay?


Here, come on. Come on.


We gotta go. Hang onto me. Hang onto me.

Huh-uh. Huh-uh.

Yes, you can. Yes.

I can't... I can't make it. I-I had two lunches. Go on without me!

No! Honey, I would never go on without you. I want you to be there so you can share the blame.


There she is! You looked so great up there, sweetie.

I'm so sorry we couldn't stay and give you a hug and a ride home, but your dad, he hurt his ankle and we had to rush out.


I know you weren't there.

What's that?

I was the only kid without a proud parent holding up a cell phone.

It was humiliating.


Sam, Sam, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, yes. You're right. We-we weren't there.

And the real reason that we weren't there was because... we were out buying you this.

Hey, hey... Hey, hip, hooray! Hip, hooray!

I thought you said I couldn't have one of my own until I was 16.

Well, that was before we were so proud of you.

Thank you! I love it!

Oh, I love you, honey.

Uh, use the railing.

It's not just there for decoration, now.


Yeah, so, enjoy!

What are you doing? That was mine!

What? Oh, come on. That was an epic parent fail.

You have to do something big to make up for that.

I've made a list of all the things you've missed of mine.

Hope the birth isn't on there.

Heather: Uh, okay. "One ballet rehearsal, two soccer games..."

I figure that all of this is worth an overnight trip to Disneyland with a souvenir and a giant turkey leg.

Oh, those turkey legs...

I'll go get started on the hotel rez.

Do you see the lessons that we teach them when we try to buy their forgiveness?

You know what? You are right. You are absolutely right.

We have to take that tablet back.

What? No. Then she'll hate us.

Yeah, that's how we know that we're being good parents.

Then I don't want to be a good parent.

So we made two mistakes today.

We forgot your award, and then we tried to buy your forgiveness, which is worse.

We're sorry.

I understand.

Oh, great, 'cause we're gonna have to take this back.

What are you... what are you doing? Mom...

Wait, wait, wait. Before you get upset again, just know that we are going to celebrate your accomplishments with something better than an old tablet, you know?


Weren't you going to feed me dinner anyway?

No, out. Tonight.

Anywhere you want.


I want to go to that vegan place that gives Dad the trots.

Hmm, hmm...

And I want to bring all my friends.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah. Great.

We will go to the restaurant that gives your dad the trots and we will watch you and your friends text for two hours.



This is going to be awesome.

Okay, I took a preemptive Imodium.

Let's do this.

Okay. Come on, Sophia. We're gonna take Sam and her friends out to dinner.

You can't take Sam and her dumb friends to dinner.

Tonight is the party for Uncle Matt and Colleen's book.

Oh, sh...


Here, we got you this.

(indistinct chatter)

This is such a good book.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I have an idea for a children's book.


I-I went bald when I was really young and I sucked at football and my only friend was my beagle.

So what about a story like that?

You mean like Charlie Brown?

(exhales) Colleen, uh... we worked together.

We made a book together.

Now I want to make a life together.

Will you marry me?

(slurping sounds)

I liked the last one better, when you compared her to a river.

Powerful stuff.

Whatcha doing?

I'm sucking out these donut guts and putting them back in.

And no one's the wiser.

Hey, Soph.


What you just heard...

I need you to keep that quiet, okay?

And I need you to put these donut carcasses back on the buffet table.

You got yourself a deal.

Hi, Mom!

Hi, Joanie, sweetheart.

I'm sorry I'm late, but my Uber got caught in traffic.


Hello, I'm Huber.

He's my boyfriend.

Oh, of course he is.

I told him if he wants to marry me, he's got to buy me a ring.

Because my grandson called dibs on mine.


He did?

I got to keep my trap shut.

Mom, get something to eat.

And I'll be right back.

I just have to find, um, somebody.

All right.

GiGi just told me about the ring.

Oh, no.

You don't have to tell me what's going on, but if you're proposing to Colleen, just blink.

Mom, I got to blink.

I got to... no!

You're proposing!


Please, please, please don't say anything, okay?

I waited until this book signing so I could do it on a night that's special to both of us.

Oh, it will be special.

And I know your dad and I aren't married, honey, but that doesn't mean marriage isn't a beautiful thing.

And you two, you... you just belong together.

Thank you, Mom.

All right, I got to go get the ring from GiGi.

Oh, she thinks her nurse is her boyfriend, so just go along with it, you know, so she doesn't make a scene like she did when they canceled Walker, Texas Ranger.


Here you go.


No, have you forgotten I can't drink?

Oh, right, well, I could drink for two.

Yeah, okay, just give it to me.

I'm gonna pretend.

I don't want to tip off your sister.

She's like a bomb-sniffing dog for pregnant women.



Getting your drink on?

You know it.

Oh, my God, I'm thirsty!

Oh, thank God.


Oh! There he is!

My grandson, the famous artist.

Hi, GiGi.

I am so proud of you and your book.

Oh, thank you. Do you like it?


I like stories that have a message about manners and justice Texas-style.

Okay, uh, GiGi, uh, did you bring me anything?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Don't let Huber see you talking to me.

He fills with jealousy and rage.

Got it.

(crickets trilling)

All right, here we go.

Get your camera ready.

I am so excited.

I thought this day would never come.

(chuckles) Me, neither.

Okay, everyone, uh, can we have your attention?

Uh, thanks, son. I'll take it from here.

Dad, uh, what are you doing?

There's something I should've done a long time ago.

Joanie, would you come up here for a moment?

No, honey, I'm sure whatever this is, it can wait.

No, it's waited long enough.

Uh, Joan Pirkle Short, you're not my wife and you're not my ex-wife, but you're my soul mate.

And I believe that...


.. keeping it fresh keeps it special.



Will you marry me again?





Are you kidding me?

A toast, a toast to Mom and Dad!

Hear, hear!

What's wrong with you?

I'll tell you in a minute. Okay, everybody.

Can, uh, can we sit down, please?

Wow, that was a surprise, huh?

We weren't expecting that.

But, uh, I tell you what, that's-that's not the only big news that we have today.

Um, uh...

(Heather screams)

(gasps) Baby! Baby!

Jen's pregnant!

Son of a bitch.

(all gasping)


(all cheering)

Ooh, another grandbaby!

Greg: We wanted to wait to tell you until I got my job back, but...

You lost your job?


He's an inventor now.


Okay, all right.

Anybody else got any, uh, big announcements to make?

Bombshells to drop? Surprises?

No? Everyone's good?

Okay. Oh, hey, Tyler.

What about you? You got anything?

We got married.


Is this a joke?

No, this ring is no joke.

Thanks, GiGi.

Tyler got the ring?

You are way too young to be married!

Why-why aren't you saying anything?

He can't hear you. He just got laid.

Yeah, why isn't everyone doing it all the time?


Cuff links.

To remember this night by.

Don't sell them for grass.


You okay?

Huh? Oh, yeah, the hell with it.

Don't even want to do it anymore.

What? What are you talking about?

Do what? Do what anymore?

Ask you to marry me.

You were gonna ask me to marry you?

Yeah, but who cares now? It's stupid.

I mean, I'm just gonna look like a copycat.



Come with me.


Okay, this obviously didn't go the way that I planned, but nothing about us has.

I love you.

And that is one thing that has not changed.

And it never will.


Colleen Brandon Ortega?

This floor is wet.


Um, will you do me the honor of... man, I really hope this is water... of, uh, making me the happiest man on Earth for the rest of my life?

A pair of chicken cuff links?

It's us.


Please marry me.


Yes! I love you.

I love your whole crazy family.

I love all of it. I love you.


♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh. ♪

If this is gonna go past kissing, I'm just gonna sneak out of here.


We're engaged.

Can someone stop this?

She's so old.

Colleen: Wow.

That was not the reaction I expected.


I guess that is her boyfriend.