02x01 - Annulled Roommate Pill Shower

Heather: I mean, as parents, I think we can all agree that, you know, two 18-year-olds getting married is a huge mistake.

Tim: Not as big a mistake as me trying parkour, but a mistake nonetheless.

We think it's great these kids got hitched.

Thank you.

It means a lot that someone believes in us.

Man: Who are we to say what makes a family?

I mean, people told us we would never work, but they were wrong.

Woman: So wrong.

Just because we're brother and sister doesn't mean that we can't raise a family together.

You're...

Man: I know what you're thinking.

We don't look anything alike.

Yeah, that's what we're thinking.

Well, when Clementine's dad left me, Spencer vowed to help me raise the kids, and he's been there for us ever since.

Spencer: That's what family does.

When your sister needs you, you step up and fill the hole.

Clementine's mom: Oh, and he fills it.

And then some.

I love you, Uncle-Dad.

Heather: Oh...

This is so... sweet, uh, but they're just kids, so there's no reason for them to be married.

There is a big reason.

And it's getting bigger every day.

Oh, my God.

We're in love!

Why would you phrase it like that?

I am in no way ready to be a grandmother.

Oh, I say, bring it on.

I am ready for babies, babies, and more babies.

Me, too... I would love a little grand-niece-daughter.

Oh, look at her there...

A little... sweet something... with the little freckles...

Looking up at you with the little feetsies!

Little freckles! Look at her.

None of this is going to happen, okay?

Because I made an appointment for you tomorrow so that you can get your marriage annulled.

You can't tell us what to do anymore, Mom.

We're adults.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go meet our friends at the food court.

Thanks for your support.

Thanks for nothing.

Heather (mutters): Nothing.

So how does this work?

Separate bedrooms, or...?

Same bedroom, twin beds, yeah.

Just like when we were kids.

(groans)

We failed as parents.

I don't even call my sister.

Tim, how are you not upset about this?

I want to be, for you, but look, we raised a smart, responsible kid.

And he found a beautiful girl and locked that down.

Now, I did the same thing, not much older.

I can't believe I'm alone here.

And I can't believe you're not more curious about our in-laws.

Now that you've kicked Tyler out, can we finally turn his room into a homeless shelter?

We didn't kick Tyler out.

Well, his action figures are gone, and there's a note on the door saying, "I'm not a child," written in crayon.

So they didn't come back here?

There's no room.

They'd have to share a bunk bed with Clemmy's little sister, and that would be super weird.

Now why would that be weird?

That was our childhood bed.

Oh, God, how we used to love to make that thing shake.

Oh, boy.

We'd play Earthquake in it.

"Oh, no, here comes the big one!"

Okay, so you have my number in case you hear from them.

Okay, come on, Tim, let's go.

No, you go ahead, I'll parkour home.

I have some follow-up questions.

Hey, do you...

No, come on. I-I need you to...

Heather: Oh!

I did this, I drove him away!

I'm having a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Would you like some?

No.

I can get you a little dish...

It's okay.

He's gone forever, Mom.

Here's a dish!

I mean, what could I have done differently?

Uh... you could have supported him.

What?

And let him make the biggest mistake of his life?

No, that's called enabling, and that's why Greg wore pull-ups till he was 12.

And now you see him get on international flights with confidence.

Mom-Mom, can Pop-Pop take his creepy puppets out of the garage?

Oh, you're here.

You've been harboring them this entire time?

Excuse me, um...

I'll be in the other room listening through the wall.

Okay, so, so this is your life now?

You're living in your grandparents' garage?

It's better than living with somebody who's rooting against me.

I am not rooting against you, I just...

I don't want to see you do something that you're going to regret.

Mom, you still see me as an eight-year-old boy, but I am a man now, okay?

And I can make my own decisions.

And, yeah, I know that ten percent of marriages fail.

But we're not going to be one of them.

(softly): Yeah.

All right.

Get your stuff and let's go home.

Both of us?

Yes... both of you.

You guys are going to have plenty of challenges.

I am not going to be one of them... come here.

Hey, and just so you know... it's 50% of marriages that fail.

For real?

(barking)

All right, fiancée number two!

Oh!

Let's do this!

I can't believe I get to live with my best friend.

I can't believe I'm officially out of my parents' garage.

Hey!

Whose moving truck is blocking my scooter?!

Oh...

I'm just kidding, ha-ha!

Oh, I'm so pumped about our new roomie!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it'll be great to have some masculine energy around here.

Um...

Hello!

You wrestled?

Uh, yup.

Yeah, I was undefeated in high school.

Hello!

So was I!

They called me the Tackle Box, because I could take you down with my tackle, or I could take you down with my box... of wrestling moves.

Mmm.

Whoo!

(celebratory grunting)

I forgot about Dougie.

We've gone through worse obstacles.

Yay...

Yay!

It's a big condo.

We won't even know when she's here.

Yeah.

You're in the splash zone.

Want a spoon?

I've got the king spoon.

Yay.

(Dougie barking in next room)

Um... do you hear that?

Oh, yeah, that's the same thing I hear every night at this time.

What is she doing?

I don't know.

I asked her, she said flossing.

No, no, no, Colleen.

What?

This is not living together.

This is dying together.

(sighs)

You have to tell her to move out.

(sighs): Fine. Uh, why me?

Because it's your place.

And I don't want to create some sexist dynamic where I fight your battles for you.

And besides, I said "not it," not it.

Fine.

I'll do it right after the music stops.

What music?

(heavy metal music begins)

Dougie: Oh, yeah!

Huh.

Knock knock!

Hi!

Um, I wanted to have a little roomie chat.

The thing is, since Matt's moved in and we're getting married that time maybe you could move out and you could find an...

All right, she's not taking the hint.

It's because you're too nice.

Aw, thank you.

And you are too handsome.

That's not what we're doing.

I know.

Okay.

All right, I'll talk to her tomorrow.

You want me to move out?

Wrestle me.

If you win, I'll leave.

You can't be serious.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Oh, don't do that.

Oops.

Looks like Tackle Box just chummed the waters.

Fine.

I think my dad's still got a practice mat up in the attic.

We'll use their garage.

Good.

Because you're going to become my practice mat... Matt!

Also, I'm going to need your parents' address.

I'll text it to you.

Do they like wine?

Because it's rude to show up empty-handed.

Don't spend too much money, though.

It'll make them uncomfortable.

How about $30?

That's fine.

Good.

My mom's got a thing for Napa Valley.

Who doesn't?

I can't believe you're doing this.

Have to.

Our whole relationship's been one obstacle after another, you know?

I'm not afraid to fight for us.

I'm going to stand up like a man.

(laughing)

What are you guys doing here?

You think I'm going to miss you wrestling a girl?

(hip hop music playing)

♪ M-m-make the ground shake ♪
♪ Make the ground shake ♪
♪ Make the ground shake ♪
♪ M-m-make the ground shake ♪

Tackle Box has arrived!

Whoo!

(blows whistle)

All right, first one to pin his opponent wins.

(blows whistle)

You got this, babe.

John: Come on.

Greg: Ooohhh!

That's not good. That's not good.

Greg: Avenge me, Dougie!

There you go, there you go.

There you go, there you go.

(shouting)

Yeah! Strangle her!

I'm doing this for us.

I love you so much!

Oh!

That's what I call the Hook and the Line.

Now here comes the Sinker!

♪ We gonna make the house break ♪
♪ Turn it up louder ♪
♪ We gonna make the ground shake... ♪
♪ Ground shake, ground shake, ground shake ♪

(grunting)

(hip hop music continues)


(blows whistle)

That's a pin!

Whoo!

I've never been prouder.

High five.

Yeah!

Are you okay?

She was like a big yellow blur.

I'm so sorry.

I tried to fight for us.

Round two!

Oh, no!

No!

I'm just going to examine your erection, Mr. Short.

In this case, call me John.

(groaning)

It's been more than four hours and it won't go down.

What if it stays like this forever?

I don't know!

I don't know.

I wish you'd tell me the next time you take a pill.

I thought it would be a nice surprise.

Oh, I'm definitely surprised.

I may need you to punch it.

I'm not gonna punch it.

(cell phone rings)

Hello?

Mom, hey, where are you?

I thought you wanted to go shopping for Jen's baby shower.

Oh, honey, I had to take your dad to St. Fran's.

Don't tell her.

It's so humiliating.

Dad's in the hospital? What is it?

It's not serious, is it?

I-I can't discuss it, dear.

I'm calling everyone.

I'm coming down there right now.

No! Heather?

Come on, guys, let's go, let's go!

Is Pop-Pop gonna die?

You know, we're all going to die some day, Sophia, so maybe take comfort in that.

Matt, hey, listen... Dad is at St. Fran's.

I'm on my way there right now.

I'm just going to examine your erection, Mr. Short.

In this case, call me John.

Let's just give the epinephrine a chance to work.

If it doesn't, we're going to have to drain the blood.

Pop-Pop!

Kids, no!

Oh, no.

No, kids.

What? What's the big deal?

Oh, oh, oh...

Not a good time to hop on Pop-Pop.

Hop off Pop! Hop off Pop!

You make me stay off the internet but you let me see that?

Joan: Come on, kids.

Let's go play What's That Smell?: Hospital Edition.

Mom, they can't unsee that.

(groans)

I'm so sorry.

Dad?

Oh, no!

How you do...

Feel better.

We came as soon as we heard.

Are you okay, Pop-Pop?

(groans)

You should go.

You're not helping.

Just pull the plug; I don't want to live anymore.

Now I can't see.

So, did you, uh...

See it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I saw it.

You get one of those?

No, Greg, I did not.

Did you?

No, man.

I did not.

I got his cholesterol.

He passed that along.

Oh, I'm so glad Dad's going to be okay.

From what we saw, he's doing better than okay.

Really? You thought that was big?

Hey, guys.

I'm so sorry I took this stupid pill.

You didn't need it.

Yeah, but you know how we like to watch 60 Minutes each Sunday, but sometimes we wish it were 80 Minutes?

Yeah, I know, but you really didn't need it because I was already giving you a pill crushed up in your smoothie every morning.

And that's why this happened.

Why would you do that?

Last year when you had a problem you went out and bought a boat.

My life is a lie.

Just end it.

Just end it!

Now I'm hot.

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.

I-I-I'm supposed to be the head of the family.

Our kids are supposed to look up to me.

But how can they do that when I have nothing but a soggy breadstick?

Honey, they love you.

That's why they're all here.

And they'll look up to you no matter what.

What about you?

Well, I don't care if we have to prop it up with two popsicle sticks and some duct tape.

So do you want me to stop doing it?

Yes, I want you to stop doing it.

Okay, I'm going to stop doing it.

Now I'm confused.

A toast to Jen!

So did the hospital say that you could mix alcohol with the drugs they gave you?

They didn't say I couldn't.

Greg?

Lark is filthy!

What happened?

Did you, like, go mud wrestling down a ravine?

I accidentally spilled coffee on her when I put her in the car seat.

I spilled some on me, too, but I figured since I have less of a meltdown when I change outfits, I took the easier way out, so...

It's good coffee.

Yeah.

As helpful as you've been this morning, I feel like maybe I'll change her and you can just go in to the brunch.

You're going to drive away, aren't you?

No.

Take my keys just in case.

Yeah.

Hey!

All: Hey!

Hi.

What's this?

We're all still buzzing from the news of Jen's pregnancy, so we thought it'd be wonderful to shower you with gifts.

Um, Mom...

No, no, it's just a few.

Just a few. I know it's a little early, but like my washer-dryer says, front-load the fun.

Mom...

What?

Three weeks ago?

Yeah.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Just... and I feel so stupid.

Mom, no, no, it's my fault.

I'm the one who blurted out she was pregnant.

It was way too early.

Look, she's getting through it.

She just doesn't really want to talk about it.

Yeah, like Heather with her hairy mole.

Tim! Hey!

Sorry, I'm just trying to break the tension!

Okay, look, I know this is not the family strong suit, but can we just try to act normal, all right, and just have a completely normal brunch and I'll just go and stall her?

Okay.

How's it going?

It's good.

Ooh... oops.

Oh, sorry.

What are you doing?

Oh...

Honestly.

Okay, well, let's just throw on a new outfit and let's just do it slow so I can watch how you do it.

Hi.

Hi!

Sorry, we had a little wardrobe malfunction.

Lark's onesie is now officially donesie.

Oh! (laughs)

How you rhyme!

I could listen to it all the time.

Oh, listen to me, I'm doing it too!

Your talent's contagious, Jen.

May I?

Oh... yeah, sure.

Hi.

Both: Oh, hi...!

We were discussing the gold standard.

Mm.

Ahh...

I wish gold was standard for me.

(awkward laughter)

(laughter continues)

I was recently beat up by a girl.

Yeah, that checks out for me.

I'm gonna go...

Yeah, I think that's a good move.

Yeah, okay, this way.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Hey!

Hey!

Oh! Oh, so good!

Oh, this frosting!

Oh, that is so good.

So good... you want some?

Uh, no.

I generally prefer a plate to a human hand.

Oh, huh.

Really?

Yeah.

You know what, I'll have some.

It's so good.

Yeah?

Yeah, get in there...

Oh, no, oh, my God, Greg, please...

Heather: Get in there.

Uh, honey, I'll just be in the...

Greg: Mm-hmm, okay. Love you.

Okay. Okay.

What are you doing?

Just act normal.

You know, just people at brunch.

I mean, we do it every weekend.

A toast to Jen.

Uh, Dad...

To me? To me?

Er, uh, you're... uh... what can I say?

You're a national treasure.

Wow, that's so nice.

So did the hospital say that you could mix alcohol with the drugs they gave you?

They didn't say I couldn't.

Right.

Hey, Jen, where's the diaper bag?

Her tushy got a little mushy.

Oh, listen to me, I'm rhyming again!

I'm on a roll.

Clearly... uh, the only problem is that we... we are out of outfits.

You know what?

So...

Why don't we just take her home and change her there?

Huh?

I got Lark an outfit.

(laughing): You did?

Thanks.

Mhm.

Oh, that's not for Lark!

I'm sorry.

Will you just, um, excuse me?

(talking softly) It's okay.

No, honey, I'll go.

Hi.

Sorry.

I wanted to wait to talk about it until I knew I wouldn't... (sniffs and clears throat) do this.

You do whatever it is that you need to do, and to hell with everybody else.

Sometimes it helps to talk about it.

When I had my miscarriage, people acted as though it were some kind of a shameful secret, and I felt really alone.

I- I didn't know that you had had one.

Yeah, after Matt.

Oh.

Yeah, I still think about it.

But you know what else I think about?

If I hadn't lost that baby, I wouldn't have had Greg.

And you wouldn't have Lark.

And we wouldn't have you.

Thank you.

Now... you know, there's a back door.

(laughs)

And you can sneak out and you can face the gang when you feel ready.

I actually think I'm ready now.

♪ 'Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood ♪
♪ When blackness was a virtue, the road was full of mud ♪
♪ I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form ♪
♪ "Come in," she said, "I'll give you ♪
♪ Shelter from the storm." ♪

You're so weird!

Super weird.

♪ If I pass this way again, you can rest assured ♪
♪ I'll always do my best for her ♪
♪ On that I give my word ♪
♪ In a world of steel-eyed death ♪
♪ And men who are fighting to be warm... ♪

(laughing)

Joan, you want to change him?

(laughing)