02x02 - Receptionist Pot Voting Cramp

All right, ladies.

Have a good day at school.

Hey!

(screams)

Aren't you supposed to be watching your cholesterol?

Heather!

Samantha's talking back to me!

Heather: Samantha, stop talking back to your dad!

Dad's eating a cinnamon bun!

Heather: Tim, knock it off... your cholesterol!

This is Mom's world... we just live in it.

Well, there was a time where it was my... world.

Hey, hey, guess who picked up Cinnabons!

Had to go all the way to LAX to get them, but it was worth it.

I really shouldn't, my diabetes.

Hey, this is Tim's world, live a little.

Who needs feet?

Thanks, boss! How was your weekend?

Aw, you know, sat through some soccer, a little ballet, got my mother-in-law high, you know, the uzh.

I'm just glad to be back in the office.

You know, they say everybody's working for the weekend?

Well, I'm weekending for the work.

(laughs and coughs)

You okay?

Yeah, I just got to stop thinking about the second one when I'm still eating the first.

(clears throat)

Where's Rose?

(phone ringing)

Doctor's office.

Rose?

Aren't you supposed to be here answering this?

I understand, I'm doing the best I can, okay?

Tim: Sweet mother, don't just stand there, do something!

I'm not good in a crisis.

Heather: Tim, hey, what's going on?

I've been calling you for two hours.

Nobody's answering your phone.

Rose quit.

Oh, I liked her.

Well, apparently, she won a scratcher and finally got her other boob done.

Now she's very sought-after in the receptionist community.

I don't know how we're going to cope.

What are you doing?

Hello, doctor's office, can you hold, please?

You're a natural.

I'll help you out until you find a new receptionist.

Or until I get my boobs done.

Is that an option?

It hurts.

You're all set, we'll see you next week.

Okay, thank you... you, too, bye.

Uh, Heather?

Yeah.

My father taught me to never compliment women.

Oh, that's nice.

But in this case, I have to say, you're doing an excellent job.

Thank you.

I'm only here till Friday, though, when the temp arrives.

Oh, here.

Oh, you have a sucker for me, thank you.

That's sweet.

Hey, babe, could you fill out this prescription for penicillin for me, and ask Sylvie to prep room three for a nasal endoscopy?

(inhales slowly)

(whispers): I love it when you get all doctor-y and you know stuff.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I love it when you get all reception-y and fan out magazines.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Mmm.

(phone rings)

(mumbles over lollipop)

(breathily): Hello, doctor's office.

Oh, my.

Uh-huh.

Well, how big is that goiter?

See, you're turning me on.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Friday, 2:00... 2! 2, 2, 2, 2!

Let's go.

Exam room three has fresh paper.

(whispers): Not for long.

So my very beautiful and limber receptionist Heather will schedule your follow-up appointment.

I think the earliest we can get you in is next week though.

Uh, no, we can do Thursday at 3:00.

No, I, I have something then, pretty sure.

What... what are you doing?

Jig won't work.

Will you stop it?

What are you...?

Stop, get out of my business.

No, all you have on Thursday is a 1:00 p.m. with someone named Dave Buster.

Uh...

And then the next Thursday... every... Thursday...

He's very sick.

We will call you with a time.

Thank you so much for your patience.

(laughs): Patience...

Do you go to Dave and Buster's every Thursday at 1:00?

Look, it boosts morale.

Plus, I almost have enough tickets to get that belt buckle with the bottle opener in it.

Listen, I'm not saying that you shouldn't go.

I'm just saying, take me with you!

Wait, let's make a whole big family thing out of it.

We can go on Saturdays after ballet, before soccer!

Twice a week seems like a lot.

Okay, so skip Thursday.

You can come home early and help me around the house.

Oh, this'll be so fun.

I'll play Steely Dan for you.

Listen, Heather...

Okay, let me just say, I think that we are just, like, so... (grunts enthusiastically)

Yeah, I'm definitely... (grunts less enthusiastically)

We have been spending an awful lot of time together.

Wait, I wrote a little picture here of you and me...

(whispers): and everything that went down in room three.

Hmm?

It's very graphic.

Hello, gorgeous!

Ah, ah, ah, ah... your wife told us about your cholesterol.

(grunts): I can't take it anymore!

I love her, but I'll tell you something.

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to have your wife around all the time?

I'm sorry.

We all miss Jackie.

I should have complimented her more.

If I only had one more day...

Yeah, I hear what you're saying.

I only have one more day till the temp shows up, and then I can go back to being the boss around here.

That's not going to kill me.

I'm sorry.

I'm just really looking forward to a time when my wife is gone.

I'm sorry.

I'm really crashing and burning over here.

I'm sorry!

(sighs)

Well, I am so mad that today is your last day.

Oh, it's just so unfair.

Do you really mean that?

Yeah, I'm going to miss you.

Aww...

And especially those super-healthy snacks you always bring... oh, here it comes!

Oh, hummus, and carrots.

Yeah, two great tastes that taste great together.

Just like us.

I have a surprise for you.

You got me the belt buckle bottle opener?

No, even better than that.

I got you me!

I switched carpool to morning so I can be here permanently.

Wow.

The kids are getting older and they just don't need me like they used to.

And then I come here and you need me so much.

And I just...

Mhm, mhm.

I can't believe I'm crying about it.

I know.

Oh, look, you are, too.

It's a lot of feelings.

I know, but I'm going to be here all day with you every day!

(crying)

Hey, hi, Joanie!

Tim, what are you doing out here?

It's the middle of the night.

Oh, well, you know, it's... now that we've got Clementine living with us, you know, I like to come out here to think.

And to fart.

Which one are you doing now?

Neither... no, I just locked myself out of the house about an hour ago.

Oh, oh.

What are you doing outside?

Oh, I'm just trying to tire myself out.

I haven't been able to sleep lately.

(sighs): I had that problem once.

Yeah?

Yeah, apparently, you're not supposed to drink fruit punch after midnight... or as an adult.

I-I'm just so anxious and... the strange thing is, I don't have anything to be anxious about.

That just makes me more anxious.

We all go through that, you know?

I'm sure it'll pass.

In the meantime, I could prescribe something you may not have tried.

Can I help you with anything in particular...

(yelps)

(laughing): Oh, no.

(mutters)

I'm not actually a drug addict.

Although I did pass a dutchie once in college, but it was to the right-hand side, and everybody got very quiet and then asked me to leave.

Oh, well, perhaps we can get you an edible.

An edible?

It's where we bake the weed into the pastry so you don't have to smoke it.

We bake it into all of our goods here.

Ah!

Oh, is there pot in the scones?

Oh, no, no, no.

You can go ahead, try them...

Oh, oh, thank you! They're delicious. Thank you so much!

I baked them today, they're super-fresh.

Whoa, slow down, slow down... that's pretty potent.

(mouth full): You said there wasn't any pot in the scones.

No, but there's a lot in the jam.

The key to a strong joint is homemade rolling papers.

You have so much knowledge.

I feel like I'm with Alex Trebek.

I want to know everything you know in all of life.

With a glue gun and an old pog container, I repurposed this flower pot into a bong.

Oh...

That's so deeply artisanal!

You see this bucket?

Voilà!

Impromptu bongo.

(bongo taps)

Holy Willie Nelson!

What are you doing here, Joan?

You cured my insomnia.

And now, I sleep like the pharaohs.

Well.

This is a bongo.

But if you turn it upside-down...

It's a bucket.

(laughs slowly): Wow.

Are you high right now?

Yes.

Oh.

And right now.

Oh, yeah.

s*x is always complicated for me.

Mmm.

Sometimes I think it's because I lost one of my balls in the war.

I mean, they could've saved it but it wasn't the good one, so...

You know something that might help you?

What's that?

A fattie!

Oh, I don't really know any portly gals.

No, no, no, no.

This is the kind of fattie that was popular in high school.

And here is a blimp!

Holy mackerel, I am as baked as a brie on Easter.

Me also as well.

(laughing)

Was that an earthquake?

No.

Was that an earthquake?

No, I didn't feel anything.

In fact, I don't feel anything at all, except a very strong desire to hug your husband while he washes the car.

I'm certain there's an earthquake coming, and you know what?

I don't know where the gas-off is.

Okay, don't even worry...

Look, you're having...

I don't know where the gas-off is. you're having a bad trip.

This...

So I want you to have a sip of water.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay And then just breathe.

And just, no more of this right now.

That's it, good, gulpy-gulpy...

There you go, there you go.

Good, good.

I've forgotten how to swallow.

Yeah.

I'm, I'm too high.

I don't like this.

I want to go home.

(wailing)

I just don't think the chronic is the answer for me.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'll tell you what works for me.

Um, you know, I like to go to bed full.

So I'd get about three pounds of beef in you, and before you know it, you'll be counting sheep.

The real trick is learning how to fight off the meat sweats.

But that's where the sleeping pills come in.

Thank you.


Oh.

Here, this is for you.

Oh!

Just go easy on the jam.

Come on, I'm not that fat.

(chuckling)

(sighs): I'm so fat.

Who said that?!

You got carpal tunnel voting for every singing competition on television.

You're not going to vote for president?

Well, if I could text it, I would.

But I can't, because I have carpal tunnel.

Jen: Hey, so our polling place is at your parents' neighbors' garage.

I was thinking if we took the same car, then your dad couldn't charge us as much for parking.

I'm not voting.

Greg, come on.

You, like, you got carpal tunnel voting for every singing competition on television.

You're not going to vote for president?

Well, if I could text it I would.

But I can't, because I have carpal tunnel.

I... I honestly, I still cannot believe that you have never voted in an election.

I voted in an election!

Really?

Matt Malloy for student body president.

Said he was going to make the hallways safe for nerds.

He didn't.

Yeah, still working through that one.

Honestly, Greg, the people we elect are going to shape Lark's future.

She's so disappointed that you're not voting, she can't even look at you.

Lark, look at Daddy.

Greg: Okay, Lark, this is for you!

Ugh, that line...

Eh... I'll come back later.

Long line for coffee.

Yeah, it's kind of my fault.

I voted this place the number one coffee place in town like 12 times.

I think you dropped your sticker.

Oh, no, I don't...

Oh, gosh, yeah.

It must have fallen off when I rescued that lost dog on the highway.

(laughing): Twinsies.

Huh?

Boop.

Barista: Next.

Hi.

Hi.

Umm...

Nitro Cold Brew.

I don't know what that is, is that cool?

It must be, it's got the word "nitro" in it.

Oh, you don't have to pay if you voted today.

Really?

Yeah.

All right!

Just going to tip, tipping and voting!

That's what I do.

Keep America strong and safe.

Come on, everybody, "Hamilton!"

Hamilton! Hamilton!

That's right. Pull it in, patriots.

Three, two, one.

Hamilton!

Hamilton!

Hamilton!

Oh wait, it was a video.

Hi, Pam.

Hi.

Hey, John.

Hey.

It's a historic day, huh?

Oh, did the girl win?

Oh, I was... no, I was just talking about how Greg actually voted.

Oh, that must've been when I was allowed my one bathroom break.

Better not have used my shell soaps.

Jen, I don't see Greg on this voting log.

And I keep a good log.

If he didn't sign, he wasn't here.

♪ Say "voting"... ♪

Wow, another classic Election Day selfie, I see.

You saw my Instagram?

I did.

14 likes!

I mean that's twice as many as the selfie I took with that dude who looked like Bono.

Yeah, so you voted?

Mm-hmm, I got the sticker, don't I?

You got the sticker by going to the polling place and just like straight up voting?

I went to the polling place.

Okay.

Next to my parent's house.

Right.

And I... got my sticker.

Greg, will you just look me in the eye and tell me that you voted?

No, no, I said my eye, my eyes.

Nope, nope.

The eyebrows are a good marker, it's just right below them.

We're almost there.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

I didn't vote, okay?

Right, yeah.

But I got the sticker, and I felt like I was part of something larger, you know, and all the other stuff that you said.

So I just put it on.

But you didn't vote.

No.

So I'm going to have to take that sticker.

No!

No, no, I need this.

Greg, that's not your sticker.

How dare you say that, Jen!

Look, there is still time for me to earn this sticker.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do, all right?

I'm going to go down there, and I'm going to vote.

Okay.

Because I'm tired of lying about it.

I want to know what it feels like for real!

And this sounds exactly like when I lost my virginity.

Are you going to call your mom afterwards this time, too?

If you didn't do it, how did the shell lose its ridges?

Would you rather I didn't wash my hands?

I'd rather my shell have its ridges!

It's like getting excited for a ruffle chip, when there's a no-ruffle chip.

How are you supposed to dip a no-ruffle chip?!

(breathless): Hi.

Greg Short. He knows who I am.

Where did you get that sticker?

Oh, uh... I found it on the ground.

That is sticker fraud!

You're admitting to sticker fraud!

That's a federal offense!

John, call 9-1-1.

No, Dad, don't!

I... look, I'm sorry.

Please...

Just let me vote, okay?

I want this.

I-I need this.

I will only be five seconds, I swear.

Wow, this is like I'm losing my virginity.

All right, don't go all crazy with your John Hancock.

My log is tight.

Okay, let's do this.

It's time to make a difference.

Dad, what the hell is a comptroller?!

Oh, nobody knows.

Don't get caught up in the minutiae.

Voting is about feeling part of something, not knowing stuff.

Okay.

(to "Ride of the Valkyries"): ♪ Yes, yes, yes, yes ♪
♪ No, yes, no, yes ♪
♪ No, yes, no, yes, no, yes... ♪

Oh, I need another one, I made a mistake.

The Internet is pretty convinced that my fiancée has anaplasmosis, which, if that gets airborne, it's going to turn this whole damn town into the Talking Dead.

Baby, look what just came in the mail!

♪ Our first bill as a couple ♪

Aww.

Ha, and to think, before we moved in together I used to just throw these in the trash.

Aw...

(giggles)

(groans) You okay?

Yeah, just a little...

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh!

Whoa! That didn't seem little.

You want to, like, call the doctor or...

No, I am fine.

Now where were we?

Being all sexy time up here.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Oh!

(groans)

Oh...

(groans)

Oh, no...

Um, excuse me, is there any way that we could get in to see a doctor right away?

Because the Internet is pretty convinced that my fiancée has anaplasmosis, which, if that gets airborne, it's going to turn this whole damn town into the Talking Dead.

"Cramping, bloating, sharp abdominal pain."

How long has this been going on?

Uh, one week?

This has been happening since we moved in?

Aw...

(quietly): We see this all the time.

A couple moves in together and they try to keep some things a mystery.

But there is no mystery about it.

All women must poop.

I-I don't think that's what it is.

Ma'am?

Have you made a bowel movement since you two started cohabitating?

(laughing): Yes... like, that's crazy.

Like, of course!

Yes, tons!

You're impacted, all right.

That's disgusting.

I'm glad I'm not you.

We'll prescribe you something to get things moving again.

Go home.

Well, it's just I love you.

And I want you to be attracted to me forever.

And that's why you haven't...

Made a big job?

Yup.

I can't go when you're home.

And you work from home.

Just go at work.

Ew! Nobody goes at work.

You hear that, Brad?

I can only go at home.

And since we moved in together, I can't seem to go there, either.

Okay.

(sighs)

You call it a big job?

You don't?

No...

Good news!

You don't have to worry about me running off with that cute pharmacist.

He doesn't seem to be into me anymore.

What the...?

Babe?

Wha... what is all this?

I asked you to marry me because I love you.

You don't have to hide any part of yourself from me.

What I'm saying is...

I don't love you for what you don't do, I love you for what you do do.

I worked on that last line for quite a while.

Aww...

You're going to need more candles.

Shh.

Just swallow that pill and know that no matter what happens, you're still going to be the sexiest woman I know.

The pill doesn't go in my mouth.

(strained): That's fine.

All right.

The biggest job in your life is waiting for you.

Let's get in there and get to work!

My hero.

Colleen: But I think you're going too far to prove you're comfortable with me.

Matt: Yeah, maybe I'll just wait outside.

Colleen: Good idea.