02x03 - Eyebrow Anonymous Trapped Gem

(razor buzzing)

Heather: Tim, hey, come on.

You almost ready? This is the longest you've ever been in the bathroom standing up.

Hey, I was voted L.A.'s hottest doctor.

Got to really deliver at my photo shoot today.

Okay, you were voted one of the Mid-Valley's "Doctors to Watch."

Right, and nobody wants to watch an ugly doctor.

Mm-hmm, true that.

Hey, Mom!

World's Best Doctor looks like he's going to take it!

(making race car sounds)

Oh, no, a tire flies into the crowd!

Oh, save the babies! The carnage!

Hey...

GiGi died.

What?

Oh, no.

I know.

At least she died doing what she loved, you know?

Her male nurse.

Oh, no!

I know.

She was almost 90, you know?

She had a full life, and...

What did you do to your face?

It's really bad, isn't it?

Oh, honey, I can only take so much loss in one day.

If GiGi's in a better place, can she send us more than $5 for our birthdays?

It's a better place for her, not us.

I'm going to miss her.

She loved our band.

She was, like, Funeral Goose's first groupie.

She was the only one who ever asked us to turn it up.

You know, I'm going to go check on my mom.

I'll be right back, okay?

Stay with your daddy.

Yeah, okay.

Tim: You know what?

GiGi wouldn't want all of us to be sad.

What she would want is for all of us to fix my eyebrow.

You know, Daddy, it wouldn't look so weird if you just evened them out.

You just need a little more off the left.

A little more.

Okay, that's too much.

Put some back.

Put some back?!

I... what? I can't put some back!

That's hair, that's not how hair works!

If that's how hair worked, you think I'd walk around looking like this?

Okay, well, just take a little more off the first side and then it will be even.

Perfect! You look awesome, Daddy.

Just like Mr. Pickle.

See?

Tyler: What an amazing lady.

(footsteps approaching)

You look like last pick in a gang draft.

You look like my first boyfriend.

Look, I'm all out of options here.

I got this photo shoot in, like, an hour, so it's either bad-ass-doctor-who- doesn't-play-by-the-rules look, or... this.

Now you look like my first boyfriend's parole officer.

Who was my second boyfriend.

Can I talk to you in the other room for a second?

Yeah, yeah.

Colleen and Jen: Hi.

Joan wants GiGi's last pie from the freezer.

Both: Oh.

Oooh.

Do you... you can notice?

No.

Not really.

No, it's very subtle.

Colleen: Kind of blends in, I think.

Jen: Oh, no, I think that's worse.

No, don't.

Oh.

No, I-I like it.

I'm not sure that's a fix.

All right, sit down on the toilet and hold still, this wax is hot.

I've had this dream.

Okay.

(gasping)

I can't figure out how to fix this until I have a completely clean canvas.

(grunts in pain)

(gasps)

Yeah, still no clue.

You know what? Let me try the whole head.

No, no, please, please.

Please, I just need some help here!

Here, let me... I went through a fierce chola stage in high school.

Drew on my brows every day.

Like, Gwen Stefani chola?

Then I'd have to draw them on again after I'd ripped some bitch's hair out in detention.

Oh, okay, so, actual chola.

Yes.

Hurry, please, okay?

I got to get some push-ups in before this photo shoot.

Vamanos!

(people chatting quietly)

Hey, Saul.

Hey...

(laughing)

Oh, no!

It's my eyebrows, isn't it?

You can, you can barely...

Tell?

(laughing)

(stops laughing)

Oh, no, I just peed a little.

(laughing)

Oh, you can barely tell.

Now you're the dummy!

Hey, he just peed himself.

Don't worry about it, I can Photoshop that out.

Really?

Hey, uh, think you could... you could help me with my little issue?

If I can Photoshop my wedding photos so I'm next to a woman for my mom, I can do this.

All right.

All right, everyone, say, "Malpractice!"

(camera clicks)

Oh, no, you're eating GiGi's last pie!

Well, if I didn't, she would have died for nothing.

No, honey, I can't believe that you dug that out of the trash.

She baked a hearing aid into that.

I haven't found it yet.

Oh!

(computer chimes)

Oh, oh!

Oooh, Valley Doctors magazine finally sent me the link to the article.

What?

No, no!

No!

No, look at this!

They Photoshopped the wrong part of my head!

(laughing)

Greg: It's very generous of GiGi to leave us a little bit of money.

(all agreeing)

Yeah, well, actually, she left it all to Walker, Texas Ranger, but I convinced the judge to dismiss that.

It was really nice of her.

Yeah.

I'm going to put mine towards an engagement ring for Colleen.

Oh, I love that.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Some jewelry?

That's a little materialistic.

You know, not everyone would go that route, but...

Hm?

Jen: Yeah.

Okay, I'll ask.

Um, Greg, what are you going to do with the money?

Oh, me?

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, I...

I...

I don't want to talk about it.

You don't want to talk about it.

Okay, so don't.

I'm actually donating it to our old high school for a new long jump pit.

But I did it anonymously, so that no one would know that it was from me.

Because I don't need anyone to know that it was me, you know?

In fact, I can think of nothing that would make me more uncomfortable.

Did you run track?

I remember you sitting on the bench in Mom's sunhat.

I just can't remember which sport.

I think it was synchronized swimming.

No, that was me.

No, he was a cheerleader.

No, that was me, too.

Greg tried out, but he didn't make the squad.

That's right!

No, guys, I was a second alternate for the triple jump.

So your way of anonymously donating money was to tell all of us that you did it?

Man, stop embarrassing me, all right?

I told you, I don't want any credit for this.

I mean, that was why I was very explicit.

On that plaque, it should say, "Anonymous."

So then why did you just tell us all about it?

So... that if anyone asked, you knew not to tell them.

Ah.

Okay.

Or you could tell them, but, you know, tell them to keep it a secret.

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ Anonymous! ♪

(phone camera clicks)

Uh, hey, excuse me!

Excuse me!

Sorry to interrupt, but could you just take a photo of me and the plaque on the bench?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Great, thanks.

Yeah, it says Anonymous, but I know who...

Already took it.

Great, great.

Thanks.

What are you doing here?

Hmm? Oh, I just came to see my plaque.

I'm Anonymous.

I donated this.

Whoa, that's awesome!

Sasha!

This guy paid for the new long jump pit!

Oh, my God, that's so sweet!

Thank you!

Oh, thank you! You're welcome!

What?

Sweet kid.

Why are you doing this?

Why do I do anything that I do, Greg?

To prove you wrong and make you look stupid.

I'm not stupid, you're stupid.

Look, I don't care about the credit, okay?

I never have and I never will.

Oh, okay.

Hey, look who came back to visit.

My favorite second alternate!

Hey, Assistant Assistant Coach Kip!

So what are you doing around here, Short?

Oh, he came to see the new pit that I donated.

I'm Anonymous.

Matt Short.

(chortling): Wow!

Thank you!

Hey, I salute you, sir.

Team! This is the man who donated the pit!

What do we say we win our next meet for Matt here, huh?

Come on! Yeah!

I am so Anonymous!

Hey, I know you feel that way, but keep believing in yourself, kid, and one day, you'll be able to buy us a new pit like your big, handsome brother here.

Come over here.

Oh, hey. Gonna hug it out.

Kip: Hey!

They're going to let Matt fire the starter pistol tomorrow, right?

They would never let me touch it.

I would always have to pretend with those relay batons.

Yeah, well, he's stealing your thunder.

Yeah!

Raining on your parade.

Uh-huh!

So you do want a parade.

Yes!

Uh, no!

Okay.

I just want a parade in my honor where no one knows it's for me.

But really they do.

Is that too much to ask?

I mean... no, there's nothing wrong with wanting recognition.

It's just, the way that you're going about it is slightly disturbing.

I'll tell you what is slightly disturbing.

The amount of extra money I had to give them just for the plaque and the bench.

There's a bench?

We needed a place to put the plaque.

Oh, my God.

Greg, I know you donated the money.

Isn't that enough?

You honored GiGi's memory by doing something good.

Thanks, honey.

That really puts it in perspective.


Hey, Short!

What are you doing?!

Greg: I'm not letting my brother take credit for this!

I'm Anonymous!

Look at that form.

Still terrible.

Would you like a popsicle?

Does Raggedy Andy have cotton balls?

Oh, good, another dirty old man.

Your mother's nursing home just called again.

They need you to come pack up her things.

I just hate that I put her in that place for her last days.

But I had to.

Her boyfriend Huber threatening to take her to Mexico for groundbreaking fertility treatments.

Mexico's doing a lot of good things with medicine.

(dispirited sigh)

Why don't you and Heather go to Palm Springs for the night, and I'll clear out GiGi's stuff?

You will?

Absolutely.

Except for her unmentionables, of course.

Oh, she didn't wear any.

(Big band music playing on radio)

Sandwiches in the drawer, GiGi?

(clicks tongue)

So what's in the fridge?

(chuckles)

(chair whirring)

Slow ride home.

Man (on radio): Rise and shine, porcupines!

It's Tim and Mark, the morning guys on KDKB, 49 past the hour, 20 minutes to the top of the hour.

What the...

Oh!

Man: Where you going, my man?

You got to have one of these to open that door.

John: Oh, what? No, I'm just here cleaning out Shirley Pirkle's room.

Oh, that's really nice, but let's leave that to her family.

No, I am her family.

That's right, that's right.

Everyone here is one big happy family.

Oh, you think I'm a resident here?

No, no, no, I think you're a blessing.

John: No, this is ridiculous.

I got my I.D....

Oh, damn, I left it in the room.

I know, along with your dog tags and a picture of your gal back home.

What? No! No!

Hey, hey, listen, listen!

We got a blueberry muffin with your name on it, okay?

Do you know your name, sir?

My name is John Short and I don't belong here.

Okay, well...

My name is John Short, and I don't belong here.

My name is Oprah, and I own this joint.

Okay, all right.

He's not really Oprah.

(mouth full): Mmm, delicious.

Mmm-hmmm, mm.

You must be new here... I'm Stan.

No, no, there's been a mix-up.

Oh, no, no, I'm pretty sure that my name is Stan.

Look... if you want to break out of here, I know a way.

I'm listening.

I'm going to need you to kill a man.

Orderly: Just a reminder, we're starting woodworking in the arts and crafts room.

Woodworking?

(lathe running)

Would you like a popsicle?

Does Raggedy Andy have cotton balls?

Oh, good, another dirty old man.

B-9!

A-ha!

Bingo!

♪ Must've fell from heaven, baby ♪
♪ I can't believe my eyes ♪
♪ Oh, that feeling of chills going down my spine ♪
♪ Can't you see it's taking up... all the time ♪

Hey, if it isn't the new heartthrob in town!

I'll tell you something, I've been seeing a lot of ladies putting lipstick on and around their mouths.

Yeah, I've been getting a lot of uninvited pinches.

Luckily they don't have any grip strength, right?

All right, well, look, it's 5:30, okay?

It's bedtime, lights out.

John!

Joanie?

Oh, where have you been?

I've been texting you emojis all morning.

The last one was an ambulance.

Oh, I must have lost track of time.

Did you finish packing GiGi's room?

I just don't like to think of her living here.

No, this place is the Ritz.

Come on.

There's something you need to see.

Hmm?

Your mother did that.

Now, does that look like the work of someone who was miserable? Hm?

No.

This place was great for her.

Joanie, she was happy.

And I got to live a day in her life.

I wish we lived here.

What?

Yeah! They got a lift that lowers you into the hot tub!

Did you bring your bathing suit?

No.

John!

All right, you two.

Let's get you back to your rooms.

Sweetheart...

I'd be careful with him.

He claims he has a wife.

Oh, no, I'm, I'm... I'm...

Yeah, I know. I know.

John!

I'm coming.

Well, at Dearly Departed Diamonds, we take the job of incinerating your loved ones and turning them into jewelry very seriously.

Gives a whole new meaning to, "These earrings are from Tiffany."

Man: Come in, come in!

This is where it all happens.

Jen: Wow, when your mom's will requested that her ashes be turned into a gemstone, I was hoping that was not a real thing.

Joan: Oh!

They're actually pretty.

Well, at Dearly Departed Diamonds, we take the job of incinerating your loved ones and turning them into jewelry very seriously.

Gives a whole new meaning to, "These earrings are from Tiffany."

I can tell just by looking at you... that you would condense down into a beautiful sapphire.

Because of her eyes?

No, the eyes have no effect on the color.

They just boil away.

Will you just excuse us for one moment?

(softly): Are you sure that you want to do this with your mom?

I mean, I know it's in her will, but I am her lawyer, and I am willing to look the other way.

(whispers): You know, while I still have my eyes.

Joan: Thank you, but my mom's specialty was making me feel guilty, and so if I don't do this, I'll hear her voice in my head.

(imitating): Saying, "Joanie!

It was my dying wish!"

Wow.

It's like she's here.

She will be, soon.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, do you do a princess cut?

Sure!

Feast your eyes on my first wife, Marta.

Oh, wait, wrong hand... that's my dog.

This is Marta.

Hey! Don't touch that!

Oh!

There's someone in there!

Oh, God.

Say hi to GiGi.

So that's her body in there?

Oh, that's what's left of it after you compress it with 10,000 pounds of pressure.

Really pretty, Mom.

Mom wanted me to wear this so she'd always be close to my heart.

Well, I'm sure that she's smiling down on you from up... well, from inside of there, actually.

How does it feel?

Surprisingly heavy.

Yeah, heavy's a good word for it.

Joan: I know, Mom.

Just slap a sign on my crotch that says, "Open 24 hours."

I know, Mom.

Too much cake makes too much Joanie.

(fork clatters)

(sighs)

Oh, Mom, you're ruining this, too?

Honey, I'm sorry, I just can't.

Well, I can give you one of my pills.

No, dear, it's the necklace.

I feel like my mother's watching and judging me.

You just have to get used to it.

Heck, I knew guys in 'Nam had necklaces, some of them eight or nine ears on them, and they were fine.

I've given this a lot of thought...

Mm-hmm.

And I think GiGi belongs with you.

I mean, family was everything to her, and here she has you and her great-grandchildren.

Yes, but... but she's your mom.

I was just being selfish.

Here, let me put it on you, honey.

Yeah.

It's really beautiful.

Oh, wow, I feel so connected to her.

That's pretty.

It's not a blood diamond, is it?

Not really, no.

It's a diamond that Mom-Mom had made out of your great-grandmother.

You said she was in heaven!

No, she said she was probably in heaven.

All right, sorry, Mom, I just...

Hang on to that.

All clean.

(imitating GiGi's voice): Jen!

(regular voice): Hi!

It just occurred to me, I've never given you a family heirloom to hand down to Lark.

And you're not going to start now, so keep it moving, lady.

I love you, though.

Jen! Oh, Jen!

Hello!

Matt!

Hey, Mom.

Would you grant me my dying wish?

You're dying?

One day.

That's why I need you to take this necklace.

This-this beautiful symbol.

Oh, Mom...

Take it! I want to respect GiGi's wishes, but I just can't forget where it came from.

I know I'm not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, Mom.

Take it!

Mom, I don't know that...

(sighs): Take it.

Mom, I, I...

No backsies.

Okay, enough mystery. What's the occasion?

It's not our anniversary.

It's not our sexaversary.

It's not our first-fight-aversary.

You remember all those?

Of course!

They're all on the same day.

Yeah.

I need to make something right.

I owe you an engagement ring.

What...

Matt!

What? It's gorgeous!

Yeah.

How could you afford this?

It's GiGi.

It was GiGi's?

No, it actually came from GiGi.

Oh.

That's what makes it so beautiful.

That it belonged to a woman that we all loved so dearly.

Okay, sure.

(sighs)

I love it.

It's like she's right here with us.

More than you know.