02x08 - Rapunzel, Rapunzel

Previously on Scream Queens...

Give him the procedure now!

Or I will shut this hospital down.

A Jane Hollis filled out a missing person's report for her husband, Bill.

I think if we find this Jane Hollis, we might be able to figure out who the killer is.

People came by from the hospital.

They asked about you.

(GASPING)

Do you think we need to do something about it?

I'll take care of everything.

The patient was admitted complaining of lower back pain and abdominal cramps.

Now, the routine X ray showed a... an enormous mass in his stomach.

We don't have the results from the MRI yet.

I don't understand. Why do you need me?

I don't need you, he was asking about you.

Said you guys used to date and his symptoms started when you broke up.

It's not Hannity, is it?

(SIGHS) That was supposed to be way on the D.L.

(INDISTINCT VOICE OVER P.A.)

Hi, Cathy.

Weston.

What's going on?

Cassidy: What's going on is that Mr. Gardner has an abdominal tumor the size of a grapefruit.

We need to get this thing out immediately.

Oh, dear God. Wes, when did the stomach pains begin?

When you left me, Cathy.

When you broke my heart.

That's sort of when the pain started.

Wait. You guys used to go out?

Um, yes, we did.

As a matter of fact.

After the Wallace murders...

Cathy and I ran off together.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC BEGINS)

I got a part-time job teaching English at the University of Rural Oregon so I could fulfill my lifelong dream of growing a beard and living in a log cabin and staring a microbrewery.

How's the Pumpkin Dunkelweizen?

Munsch: Really good.

Mmm.

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

♪ Every time I think of you ♪

(PHONE BUZZING)

♪ I always catch my breath ♪
♪ And I'm still standing here ♪

Wes: See, as it turns out, Cathy was just pretending to be super supportive, when all she really wanted to do was drive a wedge between my daughter and me, whom I ended up not seeing for over a year.

(GRUNTS)

(MONITOR BEEPING)

♪ Through my frozen heart tonight ♪

Brock: Cut through the fundus.

Retractor, please.

And then a bunch of people got botulism from my French toast-infused IPA because a bunch of mice got into the mash and my book about quarters was a huge flop.

Um, shouldn't we be putting him under?

He insisted on staying awake during the procedure.

So I gave him an epidural.

Retractor.

Yeah, you need to hear this, Cathy.

You need to know the devastation that you caused when you just up and walked out of my life!

Hey, hold on.

You wrote a book about quarters?

Yes. It was called QUARTERS: An American History.

Damn it, it's our most important coin.

No, all right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Look, I said it then, and I'll say it now: I just don't see how you can say that one coin is more important than another.

Yeah, I know, Cathy.

I remember.

Because that was the last thing that you said to me before you walked out of my life forever.

And that's when the stomach pain started.

Look, Wes, I promise I will try to make this right for you.

Huh. This is really weird.

What?

What? What? What's weird?

That thing in your stomach, it's not a tumor.

♪ Heartbreak overload ♪
♪ I ain't missing you at all ♪

It's a giant hair ball.

Looks like Trump's wig.

Oh.

(AUAUGHING)

♪ I ain't missing you ♪
♪ ♪

It's called trichobezoar.

It's, uh... basically doctor talk for hair ball.

(CHANEL GASPS)

Listen, you know, you would have made our lives a lot easier and the operation a lot safer if you just would have told us the truth.

How did he get that much hair in his stomach?

Duh. He's obviously been dating one of those Occupy Wall Street or Pussy Riot girls, who think not shaving their cooter is some kind of political protest against the patriarchy or something.

Are you saying that that's a giant Ziploc bag full of commie pubes?

Mm-hmm.

No, they're not pubes. Mr. Gardner suffers from a condition called trichophagia.

Oh, it's from the Greek.

Trichia meaning "hair," and phagein meaning "to eat."

Yes.

Exactly, that's exactly right, yeah.

It's a psychological disorder that causes, uh, people to pull out and then eat their own hair.

Number Five, how have you never come down with that?

Seriously. That seems right up your alley.

Wes: Look, like I told you guys during the surgery, I was all stressed out after Cathy and I broke up.

I was managing pretty well until Grace moved to Stanford to work on her master's.

She is... so far away.

She's doing great, by the way.

Thanks for any of you for bothering to ask. Anyway... the beer company was a bust, my first book tanked, and I lost my job at Rural Oregon because I refused to use trigger warnings before screening horror movies to the students.

Obama's America.

Wes: I was home alone all the time. All stressed out, trying to write my second book,

Historical Playlists.

And one day, I just started picking out my hair

and eating it.

(RIPPING)

I didn't even realize that I was doing it. It was... it was unconscious. Before I knew it, I had this giant bald spot on the side of my head.

Yeah, that went on for about three months.

But then, check this out: I went to a Tony Robbins seminar and he got me to stop by yelling at me.

That man's head is even bigger in person.

Yeah.

And I-I thought that I had just poo-pooed out all of my hair.

I had no idea that it was stuck in there.

I'm just glad that this all worked out.

Sweet.

And I guess it kind of gave me an excuse to come see you again, Cathy.

And I'm grateful that my hair grew back before I did.

Yeah.

I really love that big, bushy head of hair.

I used to get naked and put him in a headlock between my thighs and then look in the mirror and try to pretend I was a p0rn star from the 1970s.

Oh, man...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Wait, stop it.

You remember?

Of course I remember.

(LAUGHING): Do you still have those...

I have the Polaroids.

(MUNSCH LAUGHING)

Oh, oh...

Munsch: Oh, my...

Wes: Those... those were good times.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Sorry.

Wes: Sorry.

Oops.

Um... Dr. Holt, uh, if I am well enough, do you think that...

I could take this beautiful young woman out for dinner tonight?

Maybe give her a little bit of... s*x after?

Okay. (LAUGHING)

I think I'm gonna go to my office.

Um, girls, your rounds.

Doctor... (LAUGHS)

Now, you two have, uh, chemistry, huh?

What are you, jealous?

(SCOFFS): Oh, no.

Chanel and I are doing great.

She is really, really a terrific girl.

A lot of reallys.

Yeah.

So, are you two gonna start dating again?

Well, I think considering our past, and the fact that you are really unavailable, I think there's a very good chance that Wes and I will be exchanging a hair ball or two, if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Do you have a problem with that?

(SCOFFS) No.

No, I'm just glad that we're all... so damn happy.

Good. Me, too.

Hey, kids, shay-day Zayday here, and I know you guys are asking, "What's the gag for the day?"

Well, I'm here to tell you that the gag is we're curing everybody in this hospital. (LAUGHING)

Hey, gramps, what's the gag with you?

Uh, I'm sorry? T-T-The what?

You know, the gag, the dope, the hibby-jibby.

Mr. Abromowitz, it looks like you've been diagnosed with tuberculosis.

1918 called, it wants its disease back.

Mwah!

All right, Zay-niacs, that's the gag for the day. (LAUGHS)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Ugh!

(GIGGLES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Ugh!

Hmm.

(PHONE CHIMES)

What?

Hmm.

Chamberlain: What's up? I got a surprise for you.

You ready? Ah!

Have you ever courted a girl before?

Yeah, tons of girls.

Ever close the deal?

Few times.

Actually once.

Online thing. You know, cyber s*x, you know.

But when we actually met, it turned out to be my cousin Leon catfishing me 'cause he was mad that I took the last turkey leg two years ago at Thanksgiving.

But that boy can write some cyber.

He need to do an erotic novel.

Here's the gag.

Girls don't like it when you're eager.

Any time I post anything on social media or text you, you respond before I even get a chance to finish typing, and... it's unattractive.

Look, I like you, but when you seem desperate, it's a turn-off.

Damn, Zayday.

All right. Well, you know what? Noted.

Can I talk to you about something?

I was thinking about the costume that the Green Meanie wears.

It's very specific and elaborate.

You can't just buy something like that at a costume store, which means he had...

Either the killer is an expert tailor and mask maker, or he had it made by someone who is.

Okay, I was thinking the second option.

Okay, so, then, all we have to do is use ourselves as bait to draw the Green Meanie in, and then figure out a way to cut a piece of fabric off his costume and bring it around to all the fabric stores in the area, see if they recognize it like they do in those forensics shows.

Okay, this is not a forensics show, all right?

That is an unnecessarily dangerous and extremely complicated plan!

Why don't we just go to the shops and describe it to 'em?

Not if they're in on it in some way.

We need a piece of evidence to put pressure on them to talk.

If they know there's a way we can tie 'em to the murders, they'll be more willing to give up the killer.

(SCOFFS) Just hope we don't get killed in the process.

Although it may stop me from texting you as much.

(CHUCKLES) Wishful thinking.

What?!

I can't believe you don't like my text messages.

You know, I often wonder what my life would be like if I didn't become a surgeon.

Are you recording this?

(LAUGHS)

Yeah. I have this amazing filter that makes you look like a dog with a huge tongue. Keep talking.

Well, my dad wanted me to become a lawyer...

Oh, my God, that's hilarious! because he represented the Nixon administration during the Watergate hearing.

Would you...? Do you mind putting the phone down, please?

Oh. Like here?

No. I meant... Yeah, that's what I meant.

I'm listening!

Your uncle sold Waterford crystal to Cynthia Nixon.

Yeah. Anyway, it was... it was my mother. My mother was the one who wanted me to become a doctor 'cause she really loved M.A.S.H.

Wait. What? Mash, like...

Oh, like mash potatoes?

No. Like, M.A.S.H the TV show.

You know. Took place during the Korean War?

But it was really about Vietnam?

(HUMMING): Uh...

Only the most popular television show in the history of TV?

I think you mean Boy Meets World. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, hello?

Boy Meets World? Cory and Topanga.

The greatest love story ever.

(SLICES)

You should really watch Boy Meets World.

You know...

I'm starting to feel the age gap a bit. Are you?

I'm sorry. I'm trying. I mean...

I listened to the oldies station all day, I-I learned about Blink-182 and Smash Mouth and Chumbawamba...

I got an idea. Let's go to the bedroom. Shall we?

Oh!

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh...

(GRUNTS)

(CHANEL MOANING)

Chanel: Uh, yes!

(BROCK MOANS)

Chanel: Yeah...

(COUGHS)

Oh, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Are you having a good time?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you seem to be looking around the room a lot... quite a bit...

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ I've been looking too hard ♪
♪ I've been waiting too long ♪

(YAWNS)

Are you yawning?

♪ What I will find ♪

What?

Yawning.

(CHUCKLING): No! Why would...

(YAWNING): Oh...

No?

♪ When you love someone ♪
♪ When you love someone ♪

Are you texting?

♪ Feels so right ♪

Mm... Uh, no.

I'm Snapchatting.

Snapchatting?

Look. Brock.

I'm sorry, okay? But...

I'm hot.

I don't have to be good in bed.

I just lay here and let hot dudes pork me.

But for you, I'll let you look at my boobs.

They're right here.

(EXHALES)

♪ This heart of mine has been hurt before ♪

(MOANING)

♪ This time I want to be sure... ♪

Munsch: You missed me, didn't you?

♪ I've been waiting ♪

A real woman, who's been around the block a couple times.

You know, a brassy old girl who really knows what she's doing.

Oh, Cathy...

Munsch: Good...

What did you just say?

What? Did you just call me Cathy?

No! No, I said...

Bathy.

Oh, Bathy. Yeah. I...

Look, I-I love making love to you, but sometimes I think it would be great if we just lit some candles and... and popped some champagne and took a bathy.

(LAUGHING): Oh, do you?

Yeah.

No! Nuh-uh!

You just called me Cathy, because you were thinking of Dean Munsch.

I was... that's crazy.

(GROANS)

Is that her first name, even?

You know what?

Continue.

I'll be listening to Spotify.

That way you can yell the name of whatever dusty old hag takes you there.

♪ So good ♪
♪ When we make love ♪
♪ It's understood ♪

(EXHALES)

♪ It's more than a touch ♪

Looking for me?

♪ Or a word we say ♪
♪ Only in dreams ♪

Mm.

(ECHOING, DISTANT): ♪ Could it be this way ♪
♪ When you love someone ♪
♪ Yeah, really love someone ♪
♪ Now, I know it's right ♪
♪ From the moment I wake up ♪
♪ Till deep in the night ♪
♪ There's nowhere on earth ♪
♪ That I'd rather be ♪
♪ Than holding you, tenderly ♪
♪ I've been waiting ♪

(CREEPY MUSIC BEGINS UNDER SONG)

♪ For a girl like you ♪
♪ To come into my life ♪
♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ For a girl like you ♪
♪ A love that will survive ♪
♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ For someone new ♪
♪ To make me feel alive ♪
♪ Yeah, waiting ♪

(POWERING UP)

Surprise, bitch.

(ELECTRICAL DISCHARGE)

♪ For a girl like you ♪

Now!

♪ To come into my life ♪
♪ ♪

(GRUNTING)

♪ I've been waiting ♪
♪ Waiting for you ♪

Oh...

♪ Ooh ♪

(ZAYDAY SHOUTS)

(SHOUTS)

(GRUNTS)

♪ ♪

You okay?

I'm fine.

(PANTING)

I got it.

(LAUGHS)

Is everyone in target heart rate?

Richard Simmons: Here we go! Get ready...

Set... And go!

(EXHALING)

Well, hey, Brock.

(WHOOPS)

Well! I just broke out the old workout tapes, just trying to get my body back into fine-tuned shape now that Wes Gardner is back in my pants.

Oh! Something I learned from him... the male multiple orgasm?

Not a myth.

I think I made a terrible mistake.

What?

(GROANS)

Chanel's great and all, but... the thing is, usually when you sleep with a 24-year old, the s*x is, like... You know.

You can't walk for weeks. It's a whole thing.

Yeah.

The issues really start when you have to, you know, actually talk to them. And with Chanel...

Mm-hmm. the whole thing is lame.

Oh, poor Brock.

Rest assured, you are not the first seaman to have been fooled by the St. Elmo's fire of a young girl furburger.

I'm just sorry that you came to your senses too late.

You see, you and Wes are virtually interchangeable.

I mean, he's six foot... whatever, brown hair, blue eyes. Well-educated.

Aware there's a G-spot and know how to find it.

Please, Dean Munsch.

"Please, Dean Munsch," what, sweetheart?

Please, Dean Munsch, will you... give us the night off so I can go get those shoes that Chanel really wants?

Hmm. That's what I thought.

Oh, my darling. You're the best!

Mm!

Chanel: Oh!

I can't wait to get into bed with you later and rock your world.

Mm-hmm.

If you play your cards right, I may even move a little.

(LAUGHS)

Hmm.

So, I don't know if menopause makes old crones lose their ability to think or see clearly, but Dr. Brock Holt is my man.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, you.

Sweet, sweet girl.

You see, he's your man because I let him be your man, and he will be your man until I decide to take him from you.

Which won't be very difficult.

You see, men like Brock seem to be attracted to women who can do long division.

(SCOFFS)

And who have a s*x swing in their bedrooms.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

♪ ♪


Munsch: Wait a minute...

Why am I leaving? This is my office. You should be exiting.

I am not exiting just so you can end our conversation on your dramatic threat.

Why would I help you like that?

I am just gonna stand here.

Hmm.

(SCOFFS)

Okay.

Make yourself at home.

(SIGHING): Mm.

(EXHALES)

(HUFFS)

Chamberlain: She says I text her too much.

And yeah, maybe I do. Like, when I get up in the morning, I'll send her a text, like, "Hey, I just woke up, are you still asleep?"

But then she won't text me back! So, then I'll be, like, look.

No need to write me back if you still asleep, but then I'm, like, she not asleep. She got to be awake.

So now I'll text again, like, look. If you asleep, it's okay. But call me when you wake up.

Though you should not feel obligated...

Okay! I'm gonna stop you right there.

Give me your phone.

What? Why?

Because you're being a total creeper.

I mean, I would be stunned if Zayday hasn't already taken out a restraining order against you.

Chanel's right. You're definitely blowing it.

Um... I don't agree.

I, for one, would love if a guy would text me that much.

Or at all. (CHUCKLES)

There. Problem solved.

I blocked Zayday's number from your phone.

That way if she texts you, you won't know, so you won't be tempted to text her back right away.

Then at 9:00 p.m. on the dot, every day, the phone will automatically unblock her number, and you'll receive any text messages she may have sent you throughout the day, and you're allowed to respond with...

(WHISPERS): one text.

Then after an hour, your phone will automatically reblock the number and it'll seem like you're playing it cool, and she'll probably be less creeped out by you and that's my good deed for the year!

Oh, and don't think just because I'm helping you doesn't mean I don't think that you're the Green Meanie because I still have my suspicions.

All right, that's like a double-double negative and a negative, but whatever... whatever that means, I'll take it, okay? Thanks, Chanels.

(SIGHS)

Who the hell I'm-a text?

(CLICKING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Come back tomorrow, we're closed.

Please, no, it'll only take a second.

I just need to know if you've seen this fabric before?

(BELL JINGLES, DOOR SQUEAKS)

Why don't you come in?

(BOLT CLICKS)

Oh, I-I'm so sorry. I've just... been in every fabric store in a 50-mile radius, and...

Maybe you can tell me where someone might've gotten that?

Follow me.

(CREAKING)

(RATTLING)

(METALLIC BANGING)

Aah!

Midnight green velvet pleather.

Very exotic.

So you've seen that fabric before?

Oh, yes.

I've made several interesting costumes with this fabric Big, scary ones.

With a green mask and horns.

I think we're talking about the same costume.

Like, uh, uh, a swamp monster with a long, green cape?

Yes, that's the one.

I made three of them. Same design, but different sizes.

When was this?

One was years ago.

1986, I think.

I-I remember the year, because that was year Karate Kid II came out.

I got a handy in the theater.

The next one was a few months ago.

I remember that one because I went to try this new Italian place in town, and I got a handy under the table.

The last one was just a few weeks ago.

I don't remember any handies associated with that one.

They all paid in cash.

And I don't keep receipts.

Wait, do you remember anything else?

Like who placed the order or what they looked like?

Well, the second one was all by mail.

They just sent me the measurements and a P.O. box to mail the costume to.

The first one and the third one... it was the same person who ordered those.

Nice old lady.

Pretty hands.

But I don't remember her name.

An old lady?

Jane.

It could be Jane Hollis.

She could have got the first and the third, but who ordered the second?

Oh, uh, thanks.

That's all I need to know.

(DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE)

(DOOR CLOSES)

And then I just put in ear buds and started listening to Spotify, and I guess I dozed off or something...

Oh, my God, Chanel!

You are so lucky.

Okay, if a hot doctor asked me to take a bathy with him, I would think that I had died and gone to heaven.

He didn't say "bathy." He said "Cathy," as in Dean Cathy Boxmunch... I mean, if he's still hung up on her, I don't know what I'm suppose to do.

I mean, I'm hot, I'm young, I'm skinny.

She's as old as the hills and a total bitch.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

You could always put in a little more effort.

Well, how?

Um, I don't know.

Maybe, like, take s*x classes or something?

"s*x classes," Number Three?

And where do you imagine they offer these s*x classes?

(HESTER CLEARS HER THROAT)

Chanel, if I may.

I believe you're going about this all wrong.

Hmm?

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Maybe it isn't about the s*x.

Maybe it's about the cultural differences between yours and Brock's respective generations.

Maybe he and Dean Munsch can bond over shared experiences in a way that you and he never can.

No... But if that's the case, then the solution is simple.

We, the Chanels, are gonna teach you everything that there is to know about Brock's generation.

We are gonna throw him a dinner party, and he is gonna feel completely at home.

And he's gonna be, like, "Oh, my God, Chanel gets me just as much as Dean Munsch does, except she's younger and hotter."

Hester, once again you've proven yourself to be the sharpest, most canny Chanel.

I mean, no wonder you found it so easy to orchestrate a string of murders and frame us for it.

Thank you.

A themed dinner party for Brock is a fantastic idea.

Ladies, we have work to do.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(HUMMING A TUNE)

I know I told you to play it cool, but now is not the time... I need you.

The gag is I know who bought the costumes.

Two of them, but just call me back.

Please, ASAP.

I need to talk to you.

Or... should I talk to the police?

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

Why are you here?

Why didn't you go straight to the police?

My experience with the police?

They couldn't find sand on a beach.

And I also wanted you to know that I understand your pain.

What happened to your husband was terrible.

And I get why you would want the hospital to close down forever, but this isn't the way.

Tell me where your son is, and let me help you turn yourselves in.

Too bad you weren't working at the hospital the night they murdered my husband.

You're very kind.

It was hard enough to lose the love of my life.

The heartbreak was really just the beginning.

Then there was the rage I felt when I realized that no one was going to pay for their crimes.

I told the police that my husband would not have checked himself out.

Would not have walked out on me.

But they didn't believe me.

The paperwork was all right there, they said.

Maybe he got cold feet about being a father, they said.

So I had that costume made to look like the one that ass-jerk doctor was wearing the night they killed my Bill, and then I told my brother to go kill everyone on the anniversary of my husband's death.

Wait, "brother"?

Well, he was bigger and stronger than I was, and he also was kind of a psychopath.

He died a year later in a fight with a roller derby team.

I miss him.

But knowing him, he probably deserved it.

So I vowed to never let that hospital open again.

And I raised my son to take that same pledge.

Every night before bed, we'd say our prayers and promise that if that hospital ever tried to open again, we would start killing people until they just had to close.

But those people had nothing to do with what happened to your husband.

It was innocent patients.

Why are you trying to bring logic into this conversation?

You do realize that we are insane people, right?

Who is?

What's the gag?

Look, I need to know...

Wait, did you dim the lights?

(VOICE ECHOING): No.

But I did put Lorazepam in your tea, sweetheart.

You'll pass out in just a few moments.

No, but the gag can't be that I pass out.

I-I need to...

(GROANS)

Why, hello there, flyboy.

Look, gals, our boy Brock is home from the war.

Hip-hip, hooray!

(ALL CHEERING)

(FIREWORK EXPLOSION SOUNDS)

Extry! Extry! It's victory in Europe.

The Krauts have surrendered.

(GASPS)

Shh!

Everyone gather 'round the wireless.

President Roosevelt is about to give a fireside chat.

Hi, I'm Shirley Temple, America's sweetheart.

Franklin Roosevelt: and at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government...

Chanel, what...?

What is going on?

Oh, sit down, fella! Take a load off.

I've cooked you a homemade meal from scratch.

It'll really stick to your ribs.

It's your favorite.

Liver and onions, and a tall glass of milk.

But make sure you save room for dessert.

Edith lent me her ration card to buy some sugar, so I baked you a cake.

Why are you talking like that?

Eat up. Let us women take care of you.

All right, look...

Stop. I-I need you to explain what's going on right now.

Well, I'm just trying to show you how familiar I am with the culture you grew up in.

And we just want to thank you for the sacrifices you've made being a member of the greatest generation!

All right, stop, stop. Everyone stop, please.

Number Five, stop dancing.

(MUSIC STOPS)

How old do you think I am?

Honestly, I have no idea.

You could be 40, you could be 60.

It's very hard to tell.

You realize, for me to be part of the "greatest generation,"

I'd have to be, like, 80, right?

Well, I'm sorry. I...

It's just you were talking about that show that took place during World War II, and I thought the reason you loved it so much was because, you know, it reminded you of your childhood.

M.A.S.H. didn't take place in World War II!

Well... (SIGHS): All right, uh, Uh, look, I'm flattered that you-you-you did all this for us to connect, but if I'm being honest, I'm a little offended.

You're "offended"?!

A little bit, yeah.

I'm gonna go home.

No...

Thanks.

Ladies.

Good-bye, Dr. Holt. When I grow up, I'm gonna run for Congress!

Shut up, Number Five!

(HUFFS, SOBS)

Well... you ready for round two?

Mmm. Cathy.

I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to be back together with you again. I mean, I ca...

Hmm. can't even believe my luck.

Just a few days ago, I was a nervous wreck with a giant hairball in his stomach.

Mm-hmm And now suddenly, I feel like myself again.

I guess you're my missing piece.

(LAUGHTER)

Ah, Wes, I must admit I'm as surprised as you are.

When I walked out on you because you were such a loser, and I couldn't stand your daughter, I was convinced it was the right thing to do.

But then when I felt those hands on this body again, I was like, "Cathy, you are a moron."

Mmm.

This is the guy you should be banging.

Oh.

Oh, my God, look out!

(MUNSCH SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(WES PANTING)

(WHIMPERING)

(PANTING)

I have an idea.

Is that body spray? What, are you 12?!

On three, you kick. Oh.

One, two, three.

(SCREAMING)

Wes: Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go.

What are you talking about?!

Let's stay and fight. I just had surgery.

I am not about to pop my stitches.

(GLASS BREAKING)

(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)

Damn it.

Someone doesn't like the fact that you and I are back together.

Who?

Dr. Brock Holt, that's who.

(LIQUID SPLOSHING)

Oh, no.

(QUIETLY): Oh, no.

Not again.

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

(KNOCKING)

Hi.

Can we talk?

(SIGHS)

I've been thinking about the party that you threw me, and-and how you thought that maybe I was in my 80s.

Brock, I'm sorry if I offended you.

I was just...

Oh, let me finish.

And I was offended and actually afraid, really, for the future of our country, but... the more I thought about it, the more I realize how sweet it was.

I mean, you were really trying to make a connection, and you put in all that effort to...

Yeah. to bridge our age gap and...

Well, I'll tell you, I've come to a decision.

Oh, my God, you're proposing. You're proposing. (GASPS)

What? Propo...? Oh, because of the knee?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have a...

I have a bum knee, and sometimes if I sit in the same position too long, it kind of locks out, so I have to, ooh, do knee bends and stretch.

Want to stretch it out. Like, do like, like what I just did.

It's fine now...

I get it!

But I do want to commit to you.

I want you to commit to me.

I want us to commit to each other for real.

(GASPS) I want you, Chanel.

I want you and no one else.

(LAUGHS)

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Ow. Brockie.

Chanela. I knew it.

Munsch: Let me get this straight... you're back together with Chanel, but you want to have an affair with me?

Yes, exactly, and not a one-time thing.

I want a long-term affair.

Something that lasts years.

(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.

I am just trying to wrap my head around this.

Well, I like dating Chanel. I mean, sort of.

We get back together, she makes me do a Facebook live announcement and a Reddit AMA to all her followers, which are a bunch of nutters, let me tell you this much.

And I don't even know if she likes dating me.

I mean, I know she likes saying that she dates me, but if I try to craft a sentence that's longer than four or five words, by the time I get to the end, she's back checking her phone again.

So why not break up with her?

I thought of that.

(SIGHS) But then the thought occurred to me... it's a perfect cover for us.

See, you keep dating, uh... what's his name?

Wes.

Wes. It's more sexy and European if you do.

And if he thinks that Chanel and I are together, then there's no way he'll suspect that the two of us are having something on the side, see?

So... what do I get out of it?

What do you...?

Are you seriously asking me that question?

I think it's pretty obvious, don't you?

Double the pounding.

Exactly.

Hmm.

Double the pounding.

Twice the amount of ruggedly-handsome men of a certain age just dying for a taste.

Doesn't that sound tempting?

And, uh... Aah! What's his name again?

Wes. Wes.

Wes must be pushing 50 by now, right?

And I guarantee there's gonna be a night or two, try as he might, Hmm. that he just can't perform.

And that's just when you might get an emergency call saying "We need you at the office, Dean Munsch, right away."

Yeah.

All right.

I think I'm getting one of those calls.

(UNZIPPING)

It's coming in right about now.

(MOANING)

♪ Texting, no texting, no texting ♪
♪ No te-te-te-te-te-te-texting ♪
♪ Hey, eh, oh, ignore the girl, ignore the girl ♪
♪ Ignore the girl, ignore the girl. ♪

Right. Come on, baby. You got this.

(SCOFFS)

Hour and a half. Just easy.

You can do this. Chamberlain, you can do this!

It's nothing. Be strong. Baby, be strong.

And he's at the free throw line.

Bong. Here we go. He's hot, lady.

Kobe! (LAUGHS)

Hey!

Shaq.

(SIGHS)

Oh.

Ew. (GROANS)

Ugh, chainsaw...?

What? No...

Chamberlain: Hey, Mr. Gardner.

I'm Chamberlain. I work at the hospital.

Hey, I was doing some dance cardio, trying to get back into shape post-surgery.

Yeah, great thinking. Hey, do you mind if I come in?

I got to talk to you about something.

Yeah, come on in.

Hey, do you want a juice, huh?

Nah.

Have a ketchup sandwich or something?

(LAUGHS)

I don't drink juice. Hey, I got a question.

Um, I was going, you know, gathering all the medical waste to dump into the swamp, and I found some really weird stuff in your giant-ass hairball.

Like suspicious stuff.

(TURNS MUSIC OFF)

(SIGHS)

Hey, have any of the Chanels or Zayday told you anything about my daughter Grace?

Well, they just said she was really nice, and she always thought she was right.

Oh, and Chanel said that her hair was freakishly big, like, you know, the dude from Nightmare Before Christmas.

Or like one of those Macy Day parade floats.

I figured she was exaggerating.

She's a ray of sunshine is what she is.

Too sweet for this world.

But she was... she was on her way to doing something great, like working for Elizabeth Warren or being a, an adorable, yet completely not ironic hat model.

Hmm.

Until the Chanels came along.

You know, she seemed... she seemed fine, you know, with all the craziness that was going on at Wallace University, the, the hazings and all the murders.

And she was just covering.

It got to her deeply.

Yeah, that's when the signs of the trauma started to show, and she stopped sharing all the boring details of her life with me.

During that Katy Perry, Taylor Swift feud, she sided with Katy.

No. Yeah.

And no matter how many hats I bought her, no matter how cute and whimsical they were, she refused to wear any.

She was not the same person. She was changed.

All because of those Chanels.

So is that why you start eating hair?

Is that her hair in there with your hair?

Listen, when I heard that Dean Munsch was starting that hospital, and all the Chanels were gonna be working there, I thought, that doesn't seem fair.

Not when my daughter was locked up in a mental institution, because of what they did to her.

Wait. Hold up, I thought you said she went to Stanford.

Stanford Mental Asylum.

You have to score in the 99th percentile in your SATs just to get in.

Yeah, I know about that.

Yeah.

I couldn't allow them to get away with it.

How come... how come they get to become doctors when my little Grace gets locked up?

And then once that Green Meanie started killing people, I thought, "Well, what better way to get to them without anyone suspecting me? I could take the Chanels out, and everyone would just suspect the other Green Meanie."

So why did you start eating all that hair?

I went to the hair salon and paid them for the droppings on the floor.

And then I went home... and I pounded them.

I had to get pretty drunk in order to do that, so, clearly, I accidentally ate a bunch of other stuff that was just laying around the table.

Why, dude?

Because now I'm in.

Now I can move in and out of the hospital freely.

Which means that I can finally get my revenge on the Chanels.

Now, unfortunately, now that you have heard all of this, I can't let you leave.

Actually, I got to make a phone call.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(LAUGHING)

I'm just kidding, man. (LAUGHING)

That was pretty good, though, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was...

Come here, man. Let's get a hug.

(LOUD GROANING)

(GROANING)

There. (SHUSHING)

Oh. Shh.

Shh...

(PHONE BUZZES)

(WES GRUNTS)

Zayday: I'm at Jane Hollis' house! Come quickly!

We were right. She is the mother of the killer.

Call me back.

(LAUGHING)

(SNIFFLING, SIGHS)