02x09 - Lovin the D

Nurse Hoffel was pretty adamant about us working the night shift tonight.

[Call buttons buzzing, phones ringing]

Where's Zayday?

Why doesn't she have to work, too?

I don't know.

She hasn't slept in her bed in, like, two days.

Wait... Zayday lives with us?

Okay, time to check your blo...

[Gasps]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[All screaming]

What the hell is this?

What do you think it is?!

It's the Green Meanie trying to scare us, so we're all freaked out right before he attacks us.

That makes zero sense.

With our adrenaline flowing, we'd be, like, ten times faster and stronger and more alert.

Does anyone else find it weird that that Chanel mannequin is dressed like a Kappa sister?

I get why the Green Meanie would fill this bed with swamp goo, I mean, totally in his milieu, but the Kappa stuff, very out of character, very two years ago.

We need to split up.

It's one against three.

He can't chase us all down before we escape.

I mean, yes, one of us will probably die and, yes, it'll probably be Number Five because the joints in her lower body don't seem to move when she runs, but I am willing to make that sacrifice.

Me, too.

Last one to the Starbucks down the street buys lattes.

The last one to the Starbucks down the street is dead.

[Whimpers]

[Whimpers]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

Help, he's right behind me.

I don't want to die in this outfit!

Run, he's coming!

[Screams]

[Screams]

Chanel #5: Look! Hurry, he's coming!

[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Gasps]

[Gasping]

No, please, I hate this hospital, too!

[Chanel shouts]

Oh!

Well... they all got away.

You guys ruined everything.

Us?

Yes.

I set this whole thing up by making the Chanels work late and then you're bogarting my revenge murders.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you the hairball guy?

Mm-hmm.

What the hell are you doing here?

Wait, what happened?

I told you to stay away from Chanel #3.

No, no, wait.

You are not the boss of who she gets to kill.

Hoffel: Oh, you look like a pickle!

[Whistles]

Looks like we're gonna need to call a Green Meanie summit.

Announcer: It's Lovin' the D with your host, Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

Thank you, thank you.

Hello and welcome to Lovin' the D.

I'm Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

Today we have a very special guest.

His name is Garrett.

His is a story of bravery and perseverance.

Truly, he's an inspiration...

Oh, my god.

I love this show!

Shh!

Let's bring him out.

I don't get it, though.

Why do they call it Lovin' the D?

What?

The "D" stands for doctor.

She's Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

Lovin' the D as in doctor.

Chanel #5: But why don't they just call the show Lovin' the doctor?

Shut up, Number Five!

God, I wish I was Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

Well, yeah, we all wish we were Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

I mean, she's the queen of daytime TV.

She's a hot doctor with her own TV show and she's a former Kappa sister.

She's basically us.

Do you think we should tell someone that there are at least two Green Meanies trying to kill everyone?

I told Nurse Hoffel.

She said she would handle it.

So, another thing I had to take care of.

You're welcome!

Oh... Chanels.

Um, this is Arthur Annenburg. He is the editor of the Northeast Journal of Medicine.

Didn't we already have a reporter from the Northeast Journal of Medicine?

Yes, his name is Slade Hornborn and he's gone missing.

That's one of the reasons why I'm here.

And...

I'm not a reporter.

I'm the journal's editor, and also a practicing surgeon and an adjunct board member of the American Medical Association.

Do you also have a PhD in bragging, Dr. Annenburg?

Yes, sick burn, Number Three.

Before his disappearance, Mr. Hornborn had stumbled upon some unorthodox practices here at the C.U.R.E. Institute that I'm here to follow up on.

Um, if I may.

Annenburg: They're med students, I presume?

Of course.

I'll need to see their credentials.

Um... [Clears throat]

...I'm sorry, what?

Undergraduate transcripts, MCATs.

What? What's an MCAT?

Medical College Admission Test.

We get it, you're real smart.

I will handle this.

Um...

I'm not sure if you're aware, but at the institute we take a...

More fluid approach to higher learning.

Are you familiar with the Montessori method?

Admitting improperly credentialed med school applicants is a brazen violation of ethical standards.

Arthur...

...of course the girls took the MCATs.

I just think that, uh, it was probably not memorable for them because [whispering]: They found the test so easy.

Why don't I, uh, get you the transcripts?

Come on. Um...

You know what, I'll be right back.

I just forgot something.

[Whispering]: You are taking the MCATs.

No questions asked.

What? No!

Why?

We're not taking that stupid test.

We want to be TV doctors, not...

Real doctors.

[Whispering]: You are doing it.

Coming.

Chanel: Oh, my god.

I can't believe it.

Am I dreaming? Someone wake me up.

There's no way this is actually happening.

Please, tell me I'm having a heart attack.

No freaking way, I...

I don't deserve this.

[Crying]: Stupid little me doesn't deserve this.

Munsch: Girls, allow me to introduce you to Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

Yeah, we know who she is!

Ladies, Dr. Holt...

...it is such a pleasure to meet you.

What... glorious circumstances brought you to us?

This is, uh, my producer, Lenk Van D'vlonne.

Lenk was, uh, doing some research for our show and told me about the parasitic twin surgery you performed and I was absolutely blown away.

Oh, my god, thank you!

I hate to be a squeaky wheel, but...

I was the one who did most of the surgery.

You absolutely did and it was the most spectacular surgery of the last 25 years.

That is why I want you four to perform a surgery, live on television for a special episode of Lovin' the D.

[Screams]

[Cries]

Garrett has a 16-pound tumor on his face.

Dr. Holt, you will remove it and the Chanels will assist you.

[Chanels shouting "yes" over and over]

The first live surgery in the history of daytime television.

You see, ladies, Dr. Holt, there's something we in showbiz call "it.".

And you four, you got it.

All right, just a couple things here.

First of all, this is a very complicated and dangerous procedure and the Chanels aren't doctors.

They're not even real medical students.

[Gasps]

Chanel [Whispering]: Shut up.

Really? Hmm, uh...

[Under breath]: That's, uh...

What are you doing? We need them.

Who's "we"?

The C.U.R.E. Institute needs them.

That jerk from the Northeast Journal of Medicine is so far up my grill...

High-profile surgery, this one on TV...

It would make it impossible for them to close these doors.

I'm sorry.

We are, uh, concerned with Lovin' the D’s legal exposure.

Lenk: If we were to say the Chanels were medical students when they are not, Lovin' the D Productions could face a lawsuit.

Of course.

We'll take the MCATs.

Yeah! Why not?

We're fine with it. We'll take the MCATs.

I couldn't agree more. I, for one, can't wait.

Uh, we can take them somewhere today.

Is there, is there a place?

Um, uh... the DMV?

Great.

[Chuckles]

We'll get back to you and as soon as the test scores come in, we'll do the surgery.

Good luck, ladies.

[Cries]

[Sighs]

Hear ye, hear ye.

The inaugural Green Meanie summit has come to order.

Now...

We are here to review the past and future kills, and divvy up the remaining murders, so that no one's feelings get hurt.

And as someone who has orchestrated a mass murder before, I am happy to adjudicate.

Oh, and I promise to be impartial, but, no spoiler here... Wes is my dad.

Wait, what?

Seriously?

That's right.

Hester: Yeah, it's real.

Believe me, I was as surprised as you when I found out.

Okay!

We're just gonna run through a little review here so that we're all on the same page with a segment that I like to call...

... "who killed who?"

Segment?

Wait, is this like a game show?

Wolf lady.

That was me.

[Bell dings]

And... Tyler.

Also me.

[Bell dings]

Randal.

Me. Douche.

[Bell dings]

Winning this one.

Um, what about Sheila?

Oh, that was me.

Finally.

Yeah. I arrived in town earlier that day from the Stanford insane asylum visiting Grace, so I was super pissed.

I killed Sheila but I ran off when I saw Zayday because her and Grace were like...

[Chuckles] They're like besties.

Oh, I also killed, um...

Yeah, the candy striper.

[Dings]

The chubby guy.

Who killed Chad Radwell?

[Dings]

Me!

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah, and I also poisoned the apple bobbing water at the Halloween party.

And I attacked Number Five, thinking that I had killed her, but she survived.

But then I went after Denise Hemphill.

Serves her right for freaking shooting at me.

She's not dead. Suspended animation.

You're kidding.

Who killed all the Hamiltons?

Oh. Right here.

[Dings]

Also, Chanel pour homme and Chanel #11.

[Dinging]

Which, by the way, was not easy, 'cause it was, like, right in the middle of a work day.

And Chanel #9, too. Yeah.

[Dings]

Hoffel: Excuse me. I also killed Chanel #9, and Chanel #10.

[Dinging]

A-and that reporter guy, um...

Slade Hornborn.

[Dings]

Dr. Cascade. Looks like you've had the lion's share of the murders, which we will take into consideration when we move into my next segment, that I like to call, "who gets to kill the Chanels?"

[Dinging]

Look. I've had the opportunity to enjoy some great kills, so I'm happy to sit out the rest of the murders and let you guys finish, as long as I get to take care of Number Three.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

When you say, "take care of," you don't mean kill. You actually mean take care of, because you are in love with her.

That's right. I am. Okay?

But there's no reason we have to kill all the Chanels.

Uh, this is a murder summit.

If you're not gonna kill anyone, you can't take the picture.

Okay. Fine. I'll murder her.

Uh! Are you really gonna murder her?

Yes! Did you hear me? I just said yes.

Oh, please.

The only thing you're gonna kill her with are kisses.

Ugh...

Look, Nurse Hoffel, I know you haven't gotten the opportunity to kill very many people, so I am happy to let you kill Chanel #5, and I will take care of Chanel.

Oh, what the hell are you talking about?

I don't give a rat's bottom about that cow, Number Five.

Chanel Oberlin fried my sister's face off.

Chanel Oberlin drove my daughter insane.

Well, does your insane daughter still have a face, or did she get it fried off?

Dad! Nurse Hoffel!

Uh, don't call me that, okay?

It's so embarrassing.

She has a point.

Grace is still alive, and Ms. Bean died in, like, the most awful way, so she has an honest reason for revenge.

Look, Hoffel. I will give you Number Five, Number Seven, Number Eight, and Number Three.

Whoa! Whoa! Number Three's mine.

Hey, can it, Cascade! Look, that's Five, Seven, Eight and Three. All I want is Chanel.

That's four Chanels for the price of one.

No. Kiss my ass.

Fine, I will throw in a Dean Munsch. I love her.

Oh, go suck a hot fart.

Let's take a vote!

A vote? A vote...

What is this? A PTA meeting?

Raise your hand if you think that Nurse Hoffel should kill Chanel.

How could you? I am your dad!

Congratulations, Nurse Hoffel.

You get to kill Chanel Oberlin in any way that you see fit.

God, this summit is a joke.

Oh, Wes. Come on. You still get to kill Moebius girl, Marfan, Number Five, and Dean Munsch.

It's not that bad.

And remember, Dr. Cascade.

It is your responsibility to kill Number Three.

Yeah, like that's really gonna happen.

It is. I'm gonna kill her so hard.

[Hester banging gavel]

The Green Meanies have spoken.

Onward, Green Meanies, to "murther."

♪ ♪

Sorry, sweetheart.

♪ ♪

Thanks for the other night.

I'm assuming you're not gonna tell me who that other Green Meanie is?

It's a complicated situation.

Not really. It's a simple ultimatum.

If you want to be my boyfriend, then you have to stop killing people, which, honestly, makes me the most super low-maintenance.

Okay. Even if I do stop...

[Takes paper towel]

...I'm not the only one doing it.

So, the killing will just continue.

And second, my mom is really important to me, and this is really important to her.

It's time for you to stop being scared of your mom.

I'm not scared of her.

Fine. I'm scared of her.

We can go talk to her together.

Our love will make you brave.

That's a terrible idea.

Look, she's...

...kind of possessive.

Look, I know you're hot and you're a doctor, so you might think you're a catch, but most girls are not gonna be into the whole "raised to be a revenge killer" thing.

It's like having one of those tribal tattoos around your bicep.

It's a deal breaker.

♪ ♪

All right, there are four sections of the MCAT.

The chemical and biological systems, you have...

Critical analysis, and...

You have the...

[Laughs]

What's funny?

Are you even listening to me?

[Laughing]: Oh. Sorry.

I'm listening to nothing but up, Justin Bieber's mom's autobiography.

It is gripping.

Damn it, Chanel. The MCAT is the most challenging standardized test there is in the world.

Now you're gonna need to understand nuances of complex articles filled with technical medical vocabulary, there's, uh... Math equations that even M.I.T. students would get lost in.

People study for years to pass this test.

Which is why it's a waste of time for me to study, sweetie-kins.

I just need to figure out the best way to cheat.

So, I recommend you get your pretty little brain noodling on a way to help me do that, or...

Get your sexy body over here and start making out with me.

I'm fine with either. [Giggles]

[Sighs]

[Gasps]

[Grunting]

[Chanel gasping]

I'm sorry, Chanel.

Cassidy must've left some tissue in here from my old donor hand.

It's really impossible to get perfectly clean edges.

But you weren't just using your donor hand, you were using both hands!

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

Aah!

Chanel!

[Crying]

♪ ♪

[Echoing]: Chanel, let's talk about this!

Chanel?

[Sighs]

Hoffel: Hello, Chanel.

[Screams]

Now, I'm curious.

Compared to the cruel, awful acts you have perpetrated, what tiny, meaningless slight has you sobbing now?

Well, thanks for asking. That's really sweet.

Brock tried to murder me again.

Have you ever asked yourself why so many people want to murder you?

No. Look, the point is that if Brock still wants to kill me, I don't think I can go out with him anymore.

Which means he probably won't help me cheat my way to passing the MCATs, which means I'm never gonna get my big break on Lovin' the D, which means...

There's really no point in me staying here.

No, no! Wait, wait! Y-you... you can't leave yet.

Uh, you have to stay, at least one more day.

Why?

Because...

In all my years as a nurse, and hospital administrator, I have never met a woman who I thought had the stuff to be a doctor more than you, Chanel.

Really?

Which is why I'm gonna give you this secret to passing the MCAT.

[Inhales]

The answer to all the questions is B.

Seriously?

That makes so much sense.

I know, a-and you know, I probably didn't even need to tell you. You girls are so smart.

And you would do well on your own.

Now that you have the inside tip, I think you ladies can ace the MCATs.

[Squeals] Thank you!

Oh!

Hey, why are you filling up the tub with fry oil?

Because this is a new experimental therapy for making your skin soft. You should try it.

When it's all ready.

No thanks.

I have some bad memories with fry oil.

[Chuckles] Later.

♪ ♪

Brock: Hester.

Can I ask you a question?

[Whispers]: In private?

Ask away.

Mrs. Wainwright died a couple of hours ago.

Why isn't she tagged?

'Cause I haven't told anyone yet.

I like taking advantage of having access to a fresh corpse.

Right.

Listen.

You've had some issues in the past with killing people, right?

One person. Okay? I killed one person.

But to be fair, I did oversee the killings of a few other people.

All right, for the purpose of our conversation, that'll do.

Now, I used to think that I wanted to kill Chanel because I had the hand of a serial killer.

But now that I have the hand of a normal person, I still really want to kill her.

More than ever, to tell you the truth.

I see.

[Sighs]

I see three possible conclusions that we can draw from this.

Number one, the twin that was subsumed in the body of Anna Plaisance was also a serial killer, so you were yet again given the hand of another serial killer.

Highly unlikely. Statistically speaking.

I agree. Number two, is that Chanel is a terrible person, and the more time you spend with her, the more you realize she needs to die.

I'm beginning to get behind that.

Mm.

And what's option number three?

That it was never really about the hand.

The hand was just an excuse.

That, of course, it's in your true nature to save lives, but it's also to end them.

That you, Dr. Brock Holt, are a killer.

And you need to be with a woman who...

Shares your taste for murder.

Someone who celebrates the hot, hard, dangerous parts of you that are so desperate to get out.


[Gasps]

Snickerdoodles? My favorite!

What are the chances?

[Gagging]

[Restrained screaming]

[Gasping]

[Leash stretching]

[Distant screaming]

[Chanel #5 screaming]

She's dead!

Chanel Number...

Uh, she's dead.

We need to call the police!

No, no, no.

This young woman suffers from Marfan syndrome.

Um, complications from that can include the heart and aorta.

There's an increased risk of mitral valve prolapse and aortic aneurysm.

Very likely she just died of a heart attack. [Chuckles]

How do you know that?

I've worked in a hospital for months now.

I pay attention.

How do you explain the marks on her neck?

Oh, my god.

Oh.

Oh, I'm fine.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

You don't seem fine.

No, no, I'm fine.

You should have a doctor examine you.

Yes. Um, in fact, maybe Arthur, you could help me back to my office.

Yes, of course. Such a gentleman and so strong.

Um, Chanel #5, make sure that you alert the authorities about Chanel #7.

And you and the rest of the Chanels should take her to my special morgue.

Special morgue.

Got it.

[Panting]

Funny running into you here.

You've been following me since I left the hospital.

I'm was trying to stay in shape.

Killing people demands serious cardio.

And strength.

Man, that damn Marfan girl, she almost gave me a hernia.

[Panting]

What do you want?

Nurse Hoffel doesn't care about us.

About the community of Green Meanies.

She's a lone wolf.

So?

So what happens when this is all done and the hospital closes down?

I'll tell you what.

The biggest unsolved murder case of all time.

It'll make Zodiac and Jack the ripper look like a game of Clue.

I hadn't thought about that.

Because you're not that smart.

But Nurse Hoffel is.

I can guarantee you that she has a plan for framing one of us. And considering that it's just a matter of time before someone figures out who your mom is, I will bet my sweet ass that she's painting that bull's-eye on you, big guy.

So, what are you suggesting?

An alliance.

I'm gonna take out Chanel before Hoffel can, but I need you to back me up when I do.

She can't take the both of us on.

And once this is all done, we pin the whole thing on her and everybody walks away happy.

Deal?

Deal.

[Moaning, gasping]

Help!

Help me!

[Door opening]

No point screaming, dear.

[Exhales]

I'll just tell anyone that comes that I was watching television very loudly.

My friends are gonna come looking for me.

From what I hear from my son, they haven't even realized that you're missing yet.

Cassidy: Mom?

Mom, are you home?

Cassidy Cascade?

[Door closing]

He's the baby in the belly.

Mazel tov, Nancy Drew.

Cassidy!

Cassidy...

[Faintly]: Cassidy Cascade!

Hello, my love.

I was just checking in on...

And who's this?

I'm Chanel #3, Cassidy's girlfriend.

Hasn't he mentioned me?

The name sounds familiar.

Okay, knock it off, mom.

[Kisses]

If you're coming here to try to convince me to stop Cassidy from murdering people in service of shutting the hospital down, you're wasting your time.

Slow down, mom. Don't you want to get to know Chanel #3 a little?

[Scoffs] I know everything I need to know, from her social media footprint.

She's heiress to the Swenson frozen food fortune, but was disowned when she was put into an insane asylum.

For a crime I didn't commit.

Jane: Says you.

She describes herself on Facebook as "pansexual," which as far as I can tell, is just "bisexual" for millennials who want even more attention.

And don't even get me started on the earmuffs.

Mom, stop.

I'm not finished.

Finally, she thinks that just because she's waxing my son's knob, she can come into my house and tell me how to raise my boy.

I have heard enough.

I'm sorry your husband died and it made you sad.

But can't you see the major logic fail in closing down a hospital that is actually curing people?

Isn't that what you were so upset about in the first place?

No one who worked at the hospital back then still works there.

You're mad at architecture and geography.

It would be like murdering all the guests at a Hilton hotel just because you got bummed out listening to Paris' awful song.

You don't know what it's like to lose someone that you love.

Yes, I do.

And I don't want it to happen again.

What would happen if Cassidy got caught?

I'd take the fall.

Really hot girls and sweet old ladies can pretty much get away with anything.

I should know.

I've been both.

Why don't we ask Cassidy what he wants.

Yes.

Let's.

Sweetheart, would you rather betray the memory of your saint of a father and break your mother's heart, and run off with earmuffs here, or finish the job you were raised from a pup to complete?

I know what it's like to have parents that are more interested in themselves than what's best for you.

It was really hard to give up all that frozen food money, but it was the best choice I ever made.

[Voice breaking]: I'm sorry, Chanel #3.

[Footfalls receding]

[Door closes]

I'm proud of you, sweetie.

Well done.

[Inhales sharply]

And I'm sorry, but she is going to have to die.

[Elevator dings]

Woman: Chanel!

♪ Oh dream weaver ♪
♪ I believe you can get me through the night ♪
♪ Oh dream weaver ♪
♪ I believe we can reach the morning light ♪

We've got a problem.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz and the doctors...

Somebody leaked the news that we are doing a live, on-air surgery and now all these other idiots are doing the same thing.

We have got to get ahead of this.

Garrett is on a plane right now, we are doing this surgery live, on-air tomorrow morning.

Which means, you have to take the exams tonight.

Munsch: The proctor's on his way.

The exam will start promptly at 9:00 P.M. tonight.

[Ticking]

You have eight hours to complete the exam.

You may... begin.

[Bell dings]

♪ ♪

"Read the following passage and answer the questions that follow."

Chanel #3: "The most widely used differential stain"

"for bacteria is:"

"A, the capsule stain,"

"B, the gram stain,"

"C, the endospore stain"

"D, flagella stain..."

It can't be all B.

Nurse Hoffel lied!

Shh!

No talking!

♪ ♪

[Inhaling sharply]

[Groaning]

Time's up! Pencils down.

[Sighs]

[Ticking]

[Ticking stops abruptly]

I've got great news.

[All gasping]

You all passed.

[Cheering]

You all scored over a 500.

Chanel, you got a 519.

Thank you!

[Applause]

Chanel #3, you scored a 522.

[Munsch gasps]

And Chanel #5, you scored a 525, which is three points away from a perfect score.

I can't believe this.

Fantastic.

I'll see you ladies in a few hours.

Dr. Holt, it's show time!

Oh!

All right, I want to know how you pulled this off.

What do you mean?

We took the test.

We all got amazing scores.

I know.

I mean, how?

What do you think?

We cheated!

Wait.

What?

We knew we had no shot at taking the test on our own, so we bought lapel mics and earpieces and had Brock and Cassidy take it for us.

"25: All of the following are true statements about the brain, except..."

Brock: The answer is A... both are non-dividing tissues.

Right.

All right, C... the number of bystanders is negatively correlated with the time it takes for someone to offer help in an emergency.

[Scoffs]

You guys cheated?

Nobody helped me.

That's kind of your problem, isn't it?

Look, the point is we all passed and now we get to do a surgery live on Lovin' the D.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I actually passed.

I got...

A better score than Brock or Cassidy.

Quit making this about you.

I didn't have any help!

Oh, nobody cares, Number five!

Oh, and Nurse Awful, nice job trying to gaslight us, but I think the answer is B for better luck next time.

[Chanel #5 cries]

[Crying]: I'm a genius and no one cares.

Damn it, Number Five, shut up.

[Chanel #5 cries]

Does-does anyone have eyes on Dr. Holt?

Copy that.

We go live in five minutes, everybody.

[Exhales]

Oh, my god, that is so sweet.

Chanel, where's Number Five?

I don't know, probably taking a huge, nervous dump somewhere.

Hello.

Excited?

Oh, uh, Dr. Lovin, um, yes, I...

I'm really, really nervous, though.

I just... this is all I've wanted for, like, year.

You mean years.

Uh, oh, no, year, like one whole year.

Oh.

Chanel, don't you fret your hot, little, rich, Kappa head.

You are a natural.

The camera is going to love you I don't know what the camera's gonna feel about Number Five, but let's get out there and make daytime television history by cutting a 16-pound tumor off some dude's face.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Woman: 30 seconds to air, Dr. Lovin.

Okay, I'll be right there.

[Choking]

[Gasps]

♪ Fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame... ♪

Dr. Lovin!

[Gasps]

Somebody help!

Somebody!

Ooh.

What the hell happened?

I don't know. She... She drank that coffee that you left for me, and started foaming at the mouth and now she's dead!

[Crowd muttering]

I didn't leave you any coffee.

Places, Dr. Lovin.

Oh, my god.

Dr. Lovin's dead!

What do we do?!

[Stammers]

I don't...

Announcer: It's Lovin' the D with your host, Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

[Mumbling]: What?

What am I supposed to say? I don't know...

Hi, I'm Dr. Scarlett Lovin and welcome to Lovin' the D's special...

You're not Dr. Scarlett Lovin.

Dr. Scarlett Lovin is dead.

She just got poisoned and...

I don't...

Know much more than that, but I'm sure it'll be discussed on a future episode of Lovin' the D.

As you can see, our...

As you can see, our patient, Garrett Larson has been prepped for surgery.

Chanels, if you're ready, we will begin by making an incision.

Chanel, scalpel.

As you can see, the skin of the face has been entirely retracted.

Now, that sound you hear is the beeping of the nerve monitor.

What we try to do is not sever any important...

Dr. Holt, nobody cares about all this surgical mumbo jumbo.

What they care about is the fact that the four of us are changing a life and we're doing it...

Together.

Wow. She's got "it."

Gauze.

Suction, suction.

Good.

[Exhales]

Brock: Almost got it.

Almost got it.

There we go.

America, this is what a 16-pound tumor looks like.

Number Three.

Whoa.

That's a lot of tumor.

Right, America?

I can't stop thinking about how different Garrett's life is gonna be once the nightmare of tumorness is over.

Damn, she's good.

Let's get him sewed back up. Time check, Five.

Six hours and 44 minutes.

[Groans]

All right, ladies, we've successfully closed him.

Now, as you can see, we have a tube here helping Garrett breathe, so we can keep him in a medically-induced coma for...

Several...

When Garrett wakes up, and looks in the mirror for the first time, he won't just see a tumor.

He will see... a man.

Surgery completed...

Ten hours, two minutes.

Patient's vitals are stable.

The procedure was a success.

Thank you for tuning in, America.

I'm Chanel #5 and this has been Lovin' the D.

Good night, everybody.

Good night, everybody.

Dr. Holt, ladies, that was amazing.

Yes, sir, I'm about to tell them.

I am on the phone with the CEO of our parent company, Altgentechmedcorp, and they are in love with this team.

Yes, sir, I couldn't agree more.

In light of Dr. Lovin's untimely passing, we would like to hire the Chanels as her permanent replacement on Lovin' the D.

Wait, what? I'm the one who did the surgery.

Yeah, and you were great.

Let me get this straight.

Your boss just got poisoned, and you want to replace her right away?

I think we should be calling the cops.

No. Look.

Dr. Lovin was a nightmare.

We all hated her and we're not that surprised she got poisoned.

It's probably one of the P.A.s she fired for farting.

You know she had a rule that you got fired if you farted around her?

Hold on!

I'm not sure if I heard you correctly.

Did you just...

Offer us our own show?

We sure did.

[Cries]

[Screams]

[Crying]

Wes: Can you believe this?

Now they're TV stars.

I mean, for the love of Pete, those girls could fall into the Grand Canyon and land on the moon.

Hmm?

Because they fail upward.

Have you never heard that term before?

No, never.

Okay.

What do you want to talk to me about?

This.

You tried to poison Chanel, thus breaking the binding resolution we all agreed to at the Green Meanie summit.

Chanel was mine.

Binding resolution?

This isn't the U.N.

We are independent actors, pretending to work for the common interest, but really, really, we're all just worried about getting what is best for us, what we want.

Okay.

Okay, m-m-maybe that's exactly like the U.N., but I am really pissed off at Chanel.

Hey... you were right about one thing, Wes.

The heat is getting a little too intense right now.

Yeah, the heat is on.

It's getting harder and harder to kill 'cause everyone's so on edge.

That's why we decided we had to let everyone know that the Green Meanie was dead.

A false security to set up one final orgy of blood and murder.

Okay, yeah, no, I vote we frame and kill Hester.

Your own daughter?

Look, look, look, look, look, I-I-I'm sorry.

You know, I mean, clearly...

...I am not built to be a psycho killer, so, uh... I'm out.

Look, all I want is the Chanels to die and it to be, like, super painful for them.

I'm good.

Crap.

You guys are gonna kill me, aren't you?

[Chuckles]

Any last words?

Playlist.

[Wes screaming]

[Elevator dings]

I must admit that was amazing work with that surgery.

You have a very special team, Dean Munsch.

And you run a tight ship in terms of regulations.

The devil is in the details.

We need to make sure you put a stop to the murders.

But there is no rule in the AMA hospital regulation guide that relates to serial killers so I can't ding you for that.

Ah.

I think it's clear that Hornborn had a breakdown before his disappearance.

I just need to check the pH balance in your hydrotherapy tubs and then I'll be on my way.

Oh. They're right here.

...tight ship, and that's how we do it.

[Both screaming]

[Medical monitors beeping quietly]

Where's Arthur?

Oh, he left, but don't worry, he's not gonna shut us down.

Especially now that the Green Meanie's dead.

Chanel #5: So weird that it was Grace's sexy dad all along.

Uh, not weird at all.

I mean, he used to sit outside of our house in his Jeep all night and stalk us.

He was creepy McCreeperson.

It looks like he came here to get revenge on the chanels for what they did to his daughter, but he slipped and fell in the tub while getting it ready presumably to burn the Chanels alive.

Well, now that the Green Meanie's dead we can all finally relax and enjoy being med students for real.

Yeah, sure. Totally.

Speaking of which, I'm pretty positive that Zayday's, like, officially missing.

Her Snapchat feed has gone totally dark, and I have zero idea what the gag has been for, like, a week now.

[Sighs]

Why is this the first I'm hearing of this?

W-w-we have to go find her immediately.

Brock: No, no, no, no, no.

I guess.

I mean, sure.

One small thing first, Dean Munsch.

Arthur says this wasn't the first time that you fainted.

Yeah. I'm gonna run some more tests on you.

What I have doesn't show up on tests.

I have a disease called Kuru.

It is terminal and incurable.

I'll be dead in a month.