01x02 - Wake 'Em Up

[bunniefuu]

I know. I know. Sorry I'm late, boys.

It was the last day of school, so all the teachers went out to celebrate.

But you're not a teacher.

For the record, I am part of the administration since I basically run the IT department.

And none of those people have figured out yet that you don't know sh*t about computers?

Ah, yes, white racists too scared to question technical wisdom of Asian master!

[laughter]

Dude, what's with those shorts, man?

What? Oh, these?

They provide stability to my core.

I got 'em from a girl I met on Chunder.

Chunder?

It's chubby Tinder. You ever heard of that?

You need to work on filling up the pouch, you gonna wear stuff like that, all right?

Take a cue from Rosenberg.

Look at that man's beef right there.

Blow me, all right?

So is this like an all-gay hockey team?

I mean, it's cool if it is.

I'll just change somewhere else.

Do you play a lot of hockey, man?

Yeah, not so much now.

I mean, I played all through college.

Relax. Tonight'll be a piece of cake.

[coughing]

You all right, dude?

Yeah, yeah, I threw up in my mouth a little.

Oh, my god.

But I'm okay. Yeah, I'm a fighter.

All right. A couple things, boys.

So Dickie has generously offered to pay for the new team jerseys once we pick a new team name.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Jesus.

Get some jerseys, baby.

Costing me, like, 2 Gs.

It must be nice for you guys to actually have friends with a little bit of money.

Guys, listen to me. Okay?

I can't stress this enough.

It is a huge, huge game tonight.

If we win, we lock up a play-off spot.

All right? So that's big.

Now, we got Bryan Beale, you're gonna be subbing for us on Dickie's line, all right?

I'm gonna be real clear here.

A lot's riding on your performance tonight... a lot.

It's do or die tonight.

All right.

I think what Anthony's trying to say is, uh... let's go out there, play hard, look for the open man, and play tight D.

Really, Sebalos?

This is what you're gonna do?

And, seriously, what is with Bryan?

I mean, that guy is built like a fishing pole.

He's Karen's cousin.

He's gonna be fine, all right?

He is absolutely your responsibility, okay?

Guys, let's do this tonight, all right?

Come on. Big game. Play-offs.

[Zeus' You Gotta Teller]

[upbeat rock music]

(man) ♪ You gotta tell her ♪
♪ ♪
♪ She's got to know ♪

Yeah!

(man) ♪ You gotta tell her ♪
♪ ♪
♪ She's got to know ♪

[skates scraping]

Whoo!

Man, I was on my game tonight.

That was fantastic.

Oh, yeah? Which part?

The part where you went offside six times or the part where you knocked the puck in our own net?

All of it, man. The whole thing.

It's just what I needed.

Hey, uh, Bry.

I thought you said you played hockey in college.

(Bryan) Oh, I did.

Right until I graduated.

What school did you go to again?

University of Phoenix.

The online school?

I think they have a campus somewhere, but I'm not sure.

Son of a bitch.

Be right back, boys.

I got to take a squirt.

What's up, man? What's up?

Listen to me, we're going to Maggie Mae's for some beers and to pick out a new team name.

Do me a favor.

Make sure AIDSy-the-dipshit is not there.

He's dead to me.

So are your legs made out of Nutella?

Because boy would I love to spread them.

Wow. What an amazing line!

Hold on. Let me go wring my panties out.

What a tool.

I thought I told you to lose him.

I tried; forgot he follows me on Find My Friends.

Douche bag, bro.

Guy scores on our own goal.

That cost us the whole game.

What are you talking about? We lost 11-1.

That was the first goal. Totally changed the momentum.

He doesn't stand a chance with her or her trashy tit tat.

You don't like the tit tat?

You ever take Silly Putty and put it on a comic strip and then stretch it out?

That's what a tit tat looks like ten years down the road.

[laughter] So wrong.

Tit tat. Sounds like a candy.

Yo, anyway, so I heard this sex expert on the radio, Dr. Chang, talking about tit tats.

All right.

This woman came in with a tit tat, right?

Said she couldn't find anyone to have sex with her.

And what did Dr. Chang say?

Dr. Chang says, "Take off awr yaw crows."

So she does.

Said, "Oh, you vewy sewious pwobwem."

It's like, "Oh, what's wrong?"

It's like, "You have Exacry Disease."

She says, "Exactly Disease? What is that?"

Dr. Chang's like, "It's when yaw face rook exacry rike yaw ass!"

[laughter]

I don't get it.

Shocking.

All right, boys, let's talk about a little team business right now, huh?

Bryan, you're good. You don't have to stay for this.

I'm fine, man. I got nowhere to go.

How about home?

All right, we got to settle on a new team name.

I'm paying for the jerseys.

If I have anything to say about it, the logo's got to have a b*llet on it for sentimental reasons.

How about we call 'em the Valkyries?

Oh, dude.

Boring.

How about the New York Liberties?

Excuse me, could I get an Uncle Chubby's brownie sundae, please?

How about we call ourselves the Flairs?

Our logo: Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Whoo!

Sebalos, you're a grown man.

Learn the name of one current wrestler or shut up about wrestling.

Dude, that is not cool, bro.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute here.

Uncle Chubby's! That's the name.

Suddenly the Flairs doesn't sound that bad.

Right? Like whoo!

I'm serious. It says something, right?

Yeah, that we're a bunch of fat humps who like the dessert at Maggie Mae's.

All right.

Yeah.

[laughter] Yeah. No.

So Dr. Chang's like, "You have Exacry Disease."

And she's like, "What's Exactly Disease?"

And Dr. Chang is like, "Yaw face rook exacry rike yaw ass!"

It feels so much more r*cist coming from an Asian.

I know. That's why it's funny, man.

Let's go to bed.

Jimmy Fallon is reading his thank-you notes tonight.

Thank you, Jimmy Fallon, for destroying any chance I have for sex tonight.

The only thing destroying your chance is the stench of your gear.

You know, instead of complaining, you should be thanking me for letting your cousin play tonight.

Was it bad?

I don't know.

Is it scoring on your own net bad?

Did you know he graduated from an online college?

You did know.

So you want my friends to hate me.

You did the right thing.

With his cancer and all, you allowing him to play let him take his mind off the inevitable.

Mm-hmm.

Let me repay you for doing a good deed.

I think I deserve it, you know?

I've sacrificed a lot today.

I feel like I deserve this.

What?

I think I smell your hockey bag.

Do you smell it?

Nope.

Sorry.

What?

[cell phone ringing]

Paulie.

Hey, Ant, remember Bryan from the other night?

Yeah, the idiot?

I already told you, bro, he's dead to me.

He's dead to all of us.

He d*ed this morning from his cancer.

You let a guy with cancer play for our team?

Are you crazy?

That's your response?

Well, was it brain cancer?

No. Throat. Why?

It would explain why the guy was such a moron.

Dude, I cannot believe you didn't tell me about this.

The play-offs are hanging in the balance.

The play-offs.

I promised Karen that I wouldn't say anything, you know?

Listen, I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life, but you really gotta stop taking orders from your wife.

That's why your son's name is Declan.

Who are you to talk?

Your mother still does your laundry.

We were just trying to take his mind off his treatments.

Yeah, look what good that did for us.

He's dead, and we lost.

This was about him, not us.

God, the guy was in the dumps.

He got cancer, and then his wife left him because of it.

All right, I met the guy one time, and I guarantee you this.

His wife leaving him: less to do with the cancer; everything to do with the fact that the guy was just a huge douche.

Well, regardless, I can't play in Tuesday's game.

What?

What do you mean you can't make Tuesday's game.

Look, Karen's really broken up about this, and I need to be there to, like, comfort her, you know?

No, I don't know.

I don't know sh*t, bro. Okay?

As far as I'm concerned, this is all Ur flt.

Us losing, cancer boy dicking up our schedule.

You're our best scorer.

Christ, you're our only scorer.

And you missing Tuesday night's game ain't gonna bring Bryan back.

And even if it did, even more of a reason to make the game.

Thank you. I gotta go.

My buddy just got here with my bacon ranch sub.

Thanks, brother. Thank you.

Mmm!

So Anthony says that they couldn't get a sub for me.

I'm kind of leaving the guys high and dry.

Hello?

Hey.

I need you to watch Declan in the morning.

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

I made an appointment with the acupuncturist.

I need something to calm me down.

I'd say so.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this.

Everybody says HPV has such a high rate of recovery, I don't understand it.

Hold on. I thought he had throat cancer.

Yeah, but he got it from the HPV virus.

You mean the p*ssy-eating cancer Michael Douglas was complaining about?

His ex had it.

Ew.

How did she get it?

It's really common.

Most people have it and don't even know it.

We could have it.

Oh, my God!

This whole time, I thought Catherine Zeta Jones had a dirty p*ssy 'cause she's Welsh.

Maybe you should go and play hockey tonight.

You sure you'd be okay with that?

I'll live.

Just don't drink too much, 'cause you snore when you drink.

I'm gonna have one, and then that's it.

[cheers and applause]

All right, fellas.

This one's going out to our savior, the guy who scored the game-winning goal and returned us to the play-offs, Paul 'the elephant' Rosenberg!

[all cheer]

Actually, hold on. Hold on.

To Bryan Beale, may he rest in peace.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Yo, I never knew anybody who d*ed from macking on p*ssy.

But there's got to be worse ways to go.

[Rajon laughing]

Congratulations, fellas, on finally making it to the play-offs, guys.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you, Rajon.

Too bad there's not gonna be a game if you don't get those league fees in.

Uh, we're already paid up.

Not your boy Sebalos.

He's 150 short.

Dude.

Please pay ASAP.

It is going to be a pleasure to personally send you guys packing on Friday.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. The game is this Friday?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I can't play Friday.

We got to reschedule it.

No can do.

I'm going to the Delaware Water Gap to go white water rafting first thing Saturday morning.

How many white hobbies do you have?

I bet you have a frisbee, don't you?

And a hackey sack.

Yo, uncomfortable r*cist jokes aside, seriously, I can't play this Friday.

My cousin's wake is happening.

We got to reschedule.

I don't care if it's Bobby Orr's wake.

Now, P.K. Subban's wake would be another story.

What?

The game isn't moving.

[scoffs]

Man, what a d*ck.

[sighs]

I can't miss this wake.

Maybe you should reschedule it.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Nobody wants to go to a wake on a Friday.

It's a Monday, Tuesday night activity.

I don't know, guys.

Well, look. Here's what you do.

Go home, sleep on it.

In the morning, you'll make the right decision, play in the game.

[groans]

[coughs]

Hey.

I need you to email these people the info for Bryan's wake.

And can you call Aunt Martha before she leaves today to make sure we have everyone who needs to be notified?

Why don't we just push the wake back like a day, just give her some time, you know?

So you can play hockey on Friday?

[scoffs] No. What do...

Anthony left a message that said, "Don't be a p*ssy, and get the wake changed."

I'm not a p*ssy.

I'm trying to be sympathetic to your loss.

Do you think I care when the wake is?

If you want to change it, change it.

Just make sure whenever it is, you're at my side.

And that reminds me, Can you call O'Donnegan's and tell them that the small room will be okay?

I guess it turns out that Bryan didn't really have many friends.

Hey, maybe...

Mm-hmm.

You could get the guys from the hockey team to come.

Absolutely not.

Just send the emails.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

Will do.

Oh, my God. That feels so good.

You don't how bad I needed this.

Yes, vewy good.

Acupuncture heal body and mind.

And soul.

Exacry.

[laughs]

I pinch you?

No.

Sorry.

No, no, no, you're fine.

I was just thinking about a joke that my husband told me.

Oh, I love joke.

You husband a funny man?

Oh, no, not at all.

His friend is, though.

Pwease. I hear joke.

Oh, I don't know.

I think this one might be kind of offensive.

No problem.

My kids telling dirty joke all time.

Tell me.

All right, so there's this woman and she can't find anybody to have sex with her, so she goes to see this world renowned sex expert, Dr. Chang.

[laughing] Dr. Chang.

He Chinese. Funny.

So, uh, anyway, she tells him all about her problem, and he says...

"Okay, you take off awr yaw crows."

And...

Is it... Are you okay?

Vewy funny joke.

What's...

I finish needles now.

Oh, no, that wasn't the end of the joke, though.

So... ow!

Oh, sorry.

[gasps]

Ow.

You want me to lose money so you guys can play hockey?

It's actually a pretty important game.

It's the play-offs.

Congratulations; I don't really give a sh*t.

Look, Mr. O'Donnegan, we really just...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's Gentile.

Vito Gentile.

Oh, well, maybe we should just speak to the owner then.

Well, he went missing about a month ago.

Behind on his bills.

Probably a su1c1de.

This is my place now.

Well, I love what you did with the place.

I mean, just a real improvement all around.

Is this a Berber?

I'm gonna be honest with you right now, okay?

We need this guy to play Friday night.

So if we can't get this wake moved, he's gonna have to miss the game and stand by his family.

I mean, look, he's a man of morals, after all.

So...

I can tell.

So then what do ya say?

5,000.

5,000 what?

5 grand.

That's what it's gonna cost me to make some things happen so we can move things.

I'm sure men of... such high morals can understand my predicament.

We don't have 5 grand, sir.

You can't imagine how expensive private Pre-K is in Manhattan.

It's absurd.

Then we don't have a deal.

I'll tell you what.

Is that your construction van outside?

Yeah.

5% of everything your company brings in for the next three months.

What, you mean to reschedule a wake?

To reschedule the wake, plus I'll provide protection.

Like, protection from what?

Me.

I don't mean to offend, Mr. Gentile, but, um, this kind of sounds like extortion.

You know, it's simple economics, son.

I got to eat.

And the craftsmen who design the silk for my coffins, they got to eat.

It's the cycle of life.

So when I hear terrible, hurtful words like "extortion," it makes me worry about terrible, hurtful accidents to one's kneecaps and balls.

That also can be part of the cycle.

I mean, 5% it is, then.

And I want my logo on every jersey.

Yeah. No problem.

And I'm a 3XL.

I'd like one.

♪♪

What's up?

Hey, we got the thing changed till Thursday.

That's okay with you, right?

Congratulations. I'm so relieved.

I've got bigger problems.

No, no, no, no, no. Today's a great day.

No, it's not.

Chau dropped me as a client today after five years.

She dropped you, why?

She said the exacry joke was r*cist.

You told her that joke?

Please tell me you told her that an Asian guy told it us.

Yeah. She didn't care.

Oh, my God.

I knew I shouldn't have told her.

I knew it was a tinge r*cist.

A tinge?

Yeah, like there's degrees of racism, you know?

And I thought this fell in the acceptable range.

Oh, my God. I feel awful.

It's okay. Come here.

I know exactly how you feel.

He looks great, Aunt Martha.

They did a really good job on him.

Yeah. He looks better than ever.

So at peace.

Do you believe the balls on these people?

Won't take a credit card.

What's the difference?

I'm only 4,000 miles away from a trip to Aruba.

(Randy) Bryan was a real douche, ya know?

Hey, Dickie, I'm talking to you.

Put the phone down.

Look. Check this out.

I just got a match notification from this girl on Chunder.

She's at the Fro Yo place next door.

Check her out, man.

Wow.

She's really face [bleep] that waffle cone.

You're crazy. Give me that.

(both) Oh!

So classy.

Clean up the coffee, man.

I got to clean this up?

Oh, dude. What the...

Forget it. Come.

Okay.

I need you to make these changes to the jerseys.

What?

Here.

I'm supposed to pick them up tomorrow, though.

Which is why I need you to do it now.

Yeah, but is it gonna look strange?

Dickie, do not make me pull rank here or else your ass is gonna be plastered to the bench tomorrow.

I'm asking for one thing. Make it happen, okay?

Fine. I will see what I can do.

Oh, my God.

Bryan's ex Nikki is here.

She looks so healthy.

That's the ex?

Yeah, little Welsh sewer in the flesh.

[sighs]

Boys.

Yeah.

That's Bryan's ex.

What? No.

Shut up.

How the hell did he pull that?

Ah, she's diseased. That lowers the bar a little.

You know what?

She's not really my type, to be honest.

Why, 'cause she walks upright?

Bro, I would do her upright, on all fours, you name it.

Cancer and all.

God.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

My name's Anthony Pucello.

I'm Nikki Beale.

I know exactly who you are, and I don't care.

Gentlemen!

Ha-ha. Okay, then.

Hot off the presses.

There you go. There you go.

There you go. There you go.

There you go.

Why is the funeral parlor logo on our jerseys?

Uh...

Dude, is this a penis?

Holy sh*t. It's a giant cock.

No, it's a b*llet, you idiots.

No, that's not a b*llet.

Oh, my God.

Look at it. It's a b*llet.

It's a d*ck.

Nice jersey, Shitski!

Oops. [laughter]

Oops.

[Rajon laughing]

(Vito) Oh!

You two idiots, get over here, now!

Come on.

What's wrong with you? Hey.

What the hell's with the dildo on the front of this thing?

I'm told it's an angry b*llet.

Oh, it's an angry b*llet?

I have an angry b*llet with your name on it if you embarrass me.

I moved coffins around to ma room for a trophy case.

Um, we can help you move them back.

It's not a problem, sir.

What?

What did you just say to me?

Nothing.

You think this is funny?

Huh? I'm a clown? I amuse you?

No, sir.

Anthony here was trying to be helpful, right, Ant?

Oh, I don't need your help.

You better not screw this up, the both of you.

You skate like an old broad.

[horn honks]

Was he just doing "Goodfellas"?

That was "Goodfellas", right?

That's your favorite movie, isn't it?

[indistinct shouting]

(Anthony) All right, fellas.

Listen up.

Everyone get in. All right.

This is it. Time to dig deep.

All right? We're gonna play like champions.

To be known as champions.

You all seen "Rocky"?

So you know what it is to be thought of as a champion.

Isn't Rocky known more as an underdog?

No, when you think of Rocky, you think of a champion.

I don't.

Yeah, me either.

Everybody he faced was favored to b*at him.

Yeah, and he gets his ass kicked in the first movie.

All right, everyone just shut up, okay?

The road to being a champion starts right here.

Now, if we stick together, it's a road paved with gold.

So like a... sort of like a Wizard of Oz kind of deal?

No, dude, that road was yellow.

Yeah, that was... it was a brick road.

Just screw it.

Chubby's on three.

One, two, three!

(all) Chubby's!

[upbeat music]

♪ All my lovin' ♪
♪ All my lovin' ♪
♪ In the world ♪
♪ In the world ♪
♪ All my lovin' ♪
♪ All my lovin' ♪
♪ In the world ♪
♪ In the world ♪
♪ All my lovin' ♪
♪ All my lovin' ♪

[cheers and applause]

[sticks banging rhythmically]

[tape whirring]

♪ In the world ♪
♪ In the world ♪

(man) ♪ Just lay your burden down on me ♪
♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[screaming]

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh!

Nice job.

Rock and roll, bro.

How tall are you?

5'10".

That's taller than me.

Yeah.

You paint your toes?

Why do you want to know that?

Just 'cause I dated a girl who painted her toes blue, and I would always say to her, "But I prefer red."

And she would go, "But I prefer blue."

And then she went on to stick 'em in my mouth.

Wow. That's gross.

5'10".

I think there should be a height differential between a man and a woman.

Why?

I don't know.

I just kind of like looking up, you know?