01x07 - Nice Day For A Boat Ride

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Put the ting out, man. Karen is gonna be home in a minute.

It's just liquid, there is no smoke, just vapor.

Hey but it's smell like searaby sweet death Now, put it down. Get over and help me set the table.

I can't believe I am cooking for you guys on my birthday!

Wait, it's his birthday?

Why do you think we are here, man?

To smoke weed and drink beer?

Hey, if Karen's on her way home, then why are you setting the table?

That's woman's work.

You should tell her that.

Love to see how that goes down.

No problem, because, unlike you, I run a tight ship.

How come that one fish is eating that other fish?

What?

Oh, damn, Chuck!

I forgot to tell Declan to feed the fish.

Look at him go, man.

God, I wish we were high right now.

Yes, me too.

Hello!

Hey!

Hope I'm not too late for the party.

How was your trip?

Good.

Played hard, worked hard.

Vegas. I miss my birthday boy.

Yeah?

Hey!

Would you mind not smoking?

We have a child in the house.

And I don't mean Paul.

Paul said it was okay.

I didn't... I didn't say that.

Oh, I need some paper, man.

I want to make a card.

Over there, right?

Oh, yes!

I have a surprise for you.

Okay.

Oh, my God!

Fire ate Chuck. You forgot to feed them.

That's, like, the whole reason I moved it out here.

There was a lot going on, babe.

I mean, you don't even know.

No, I mean, I do know because I deal with it every day.

Well, you're telling Declan in the morning.

Uh, excuse me?

I thought you had a surprise for us.

Not for you, for him.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Holy sh*t.

[hip-hop music]

Happy [bleep] birthday.

Oh, my God.

Do you like them?

[clapping]

Okay, okay, guys. Thank...

You did this for me?

Yeah.

Anything for my baby on his birthday.

Yo, yo, yo!

What's new, boys?

Uh, two things. Two things are brand-new.

Karen, this is my girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Tanya.

Nice to meet you.

You too!

Hey, Tanya.

Something about you looks different.

What, did you get your hair done?

Keep guessing.

[camera shutter clicking]

Hey. All right, guys.

This is the mother of my child.

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

Yeah!

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

[skates scraping]

Dude, she is so hot.

Where'd you find her?

Community center after night class.

You're taking night classes now?

Oh, yeah, I thought I'd educate myself to become a better person.

No, dummy!

I hang out on the steps as they let out to pull tail.

That is creepy.

Should do what everyone else does... JDate.com.

JDate? I thought you were on Tinder.

Nah, Tinder doesn't work for Asian men.

What? What do you mean?

Nah, dog, like, Asian women totally, but, like, black women and Asian men, we lose out, man.

I crush it in real life. Tinder doesn't work.

Swipe left.

You could buy online.

I'm an analog man, my friend.

Plus, there's, like, ten different groups that all let out at once.

Yeah? What class was she taking?

Photoshop or an NA meeting.

What's the difference?

She's so hot, I didn't even ask.

I'm surprised you know her name.

Actually just learned it when she introduced herself to Karen.

But the bigger problem with this chick is, she just won't stop talking in bed.

I love when chicks talk dirty.

See, that, I wish she was doing.

Every night, I'm about to fall asleep, and it's yap, yap-yap, yap-yap.

Small price to pay for those legs, though.

Okay, but try listening to her whole family tree at 2:00 a.m.

Just get headphones.

You know I can't fall asleep with headphones in.

I do?

Yeah.

Yeah, he can't.

I'm cutting her loose tonight.

If this is definite, would you mind if I ask her out?

Yeah, I mind.

Okay, I plan on keeping the door open for the random booty call.

My dad met my mom at a maple syrup festival in Vermont, which is so cute, and I love maple syrup.

And then her father was a third cousin once removed from my dad's step-aunt, which is just crazy.

And the rest, they say, is history, and then my...

Let's just skip the history lesson, shall we?

How do my new boobs look?

Oh, my God, Karen, they're gorgeous.

Why did you do it?

Mainly to see the expression on Paul's face.

It was priceless.

I'm thinking of naming them Shock and Awe.

Um, can I tell you something?

Sure.

They're temporary.

They're called "vacation breasts."

[whispers] What are vacation breasts?

I work at a women's magazine, and I met this doctor who does this procedure with a saline injection.

It took 20 minutes, and they'll be gone in two weeks.

Oh, my God.

Does Paul know that they're gonna disappear soon?

Oh, not a clue.

So wait, you don't think that he's gonna realize that you didn't get, like, actual surgery?

You don't know these guys very well, do you?

Can I touch them?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

They just... they look so natural.

Yeah, go for it.

Holy sh*t.

Do you see that?

Where is my phone? Where is my phone?

Send me those pictures.

Your girlfriend's molesting my wife.

I know. Happy birthday.

It's like a gift for all of us.

Are you sure that you want to break up with her now?

I think, maybe, I'm gonna stick this one out.

Yeah.

You got a pair of headphones I can borrow?

Yeah, in the car.

[slow funk music]

Ow! Hurry up.

Hey, I'm doing my best. I've never done this before.

You don't have to tear into me like a bag of M&M'S.

Well, who told you to put Band-Aids on your nipples, the doctor?

No, but now that my boobs are big, I'm kind of self-conscious about my nipples.

Why? You have beautiful nipples.

They're like baby toes.

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

'Cause it really doesn't make me feel good about myself.

You should feel amazing about yourself, especially with these big airbags you just bought Papi.

Sex?

Not until you take off the Band-Aids.

I would love to have sex with you with these Band-Aids on.

I want to do it with them off.

Okay, well, just stay still for a second, then I'll rip them off on three.

Fine, but if it hurts, I'm gonna duct-tape your d*ck and pull it really slow.

Did I ever tell you the story about when I locked my keys...

[gasps] That wasn't so bad.

[gasps]

Meet me under the covers.

[upbeat rock music]

What he does, I've never seen him before in my life, but he's here to be interviewed...

Baby, guess what.

There's gonna be a street festival this weekend.

[giggles]

And there's gonna be a tambourine competition.

Oh, my God, I bet all the best tambourine players from around the entire world are gonna be there.

We should totally go.

I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I actually played tambourine in a band.

And it's not as easy as it looks.

It's actually really hard.

Schmoopy?

Are you not listening to me?

Oh, what's that?

Why are you sleeping with your headphones on?

You're not trying to tune me out, are you?

Oh, no way, baby.

I always fall asleep with headphones on.

Hmm.

I've never noticed.

Yeah, I have "tin-nit-us."

Tinnitus.

Yeah, no, it comes and goes.

I guess.

Anyway, I'm kind of an expert at the tambourine.

Did you know that the little tiny jingle bells at the bottom are called Zils?

Nobody really knows that.

... was pure panic.

♪ ♪

So Karen's been cooking vegan this week.

Every one of my shits looks like a protein bar.

Dude, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Dude, don't rub it in, all right?

I get it. You've got a young hot girlfriend.

You're banging like crazy.

Yeah, close.

She kept me up all night blabbing about tambourines.

Get it, get it, get it!

Dummy!

Come on, Dickie.

God, tambourines?

Yeah.

What the hell is there to talk about tambourines?

Apparently a lot.

You know the little balls at the end of them are called Zils?

Zils? Okay.

Zils.

She talked all the way through Marc Maron's podcast, then the entire Foo Fighters' "Sonic Highway" album.

I understand Marc Maron's podcast, especially the beginning; that's boring as sh*t.

But the Foo Fighters? That's a double album.

I know.

You got to break up with this chick immediately.

Nah, dude, I can't.

The sex is so good, I have to preserve the booty call potential. [whistle blasts]

Ref, that's bullshit, and you know it.

Good luck with that.

No, I already got the whole thing planned out.

I overheard her telling one of her friends she's allergic to cats, so I'm just gonna get a cat, and then she's gonna get all sneezy and wheezy and sh*t and be forced to start sleeping back at her own apartment.

Dude, how old are you? Just break up with this chick.

Me, really? Come on, Sebalos.

The game is that way.

Get out of here.

Mwah.

Easy for you to say, dude.

Bro, not cool.

You married your high school sweetheart like an idiot.

Hey, ref, you gonna make us pancakes in the morning?

Because you've been banging us all night!

Yeah, plus, the chick's perfect when she's not yapping.

Oh, she sounds amazing.

And get this, the cat, it comes with a 30-day return policy, so as soon as Tan... nice mustache!

So as soon as Tanya bolts, I'm gonna take Puss in Boots right back to the can.

I look like a good guy.

sh*t, a great guy since I'm rescuing the cat for a few days.

Open door for the booty call at her place, if and when needed.

Anthony, that's genius.

My only question is, why can't you use your brain for anything useful?

Jesus!

Unbelievable!

You're unbe... just wear sneakers!

Whoo!

What else is new?

Yeah, we played honorably, that's all that matters.

Maggie May's for some pops?

I can't tonight, man.

What, you get a hat trick and all of a sudden you're too good for us?

Hey! You leave him alone.

You know exactly what he has waiting for him at home.

And if it was me, I wouldn't even have showed up to this game.

I got you, man.

Dude, is it just like being with a whole new woman?

I mean, 24-7 motorboat, right?

Hey! This is my wife we're talking about, all right, guys?

It's not like we're asking about her real tits.

Why are you being such a prude, son?

They are her real tits now, and that's enough about them.

Guys, look, we're on a need-to-know basis, okay?

And I think we already know what we need to know.

Yeah, that her tits are absolutely legendary.

Where'd you get this?

On Twitter, son.

She's got 5,000 new followers since yesterday.

How do I unfollow this?

[whispers] Enjoy.

Hey, little guy.

Hey, look at this guy.

Which one of these cats give off the most allergies?

Uh, I'm not sure what you mean.

Like, if I want to make someone, you know, scratch and itch, which cat would I pick?

Are you here to rescue a cat?

Yeah, definitely.

Jesus.

You have beautiful eyes, by the way.

Thank you.

So you're here to hit on me and not ask weird questions or...

No, I'm seriously interested in adopting a cat.

I mean, that's why I'm here. It's...

You ended up being a bonus.

I like women.

Course you do. That's why you work with cats.

I know.

Okay, that's such a cliché.

Um, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by cliché, but it's turning me on.

Are you adopting a cat or not?

Yes. Give me the cat that gives off the most allergies.

You're serious.

Of course.

Let me ask you something.

Can you throw in a six-month supply of cat food?

Why would we do that?

Look, I'm doing you a favor by taking this cat off your hands.

I mean, we all know what happens to them if you can't give them away, right?

They k*ll them?

I'm getting so tired of speaking to you.

It takes up so much energy.

I know.

Why can't my girl be more like you?

Anyway, give me your sneeziest cat.

Okay, buddy.

Hey.

[cat meowing]

How you doing?

Ah, there he is.

Hi.

[cat yowls] Ah!

Cat!

[laughing]

That's so good.

I know.

Oh, we're having so much fun.

What's, uh, so funny?

You wouldn't get it, honey.

Hi.

What's with the long face, man?

Did somebody break your calculator at work today?

What are you guys doing here?

I thought we were meeting at the bar later.

We are. I think I left my wallet here the other night.

Really? Okay.

And what does this wallet look like?

Uh, it's blue Velcro and it has two crossed hockey sticks on the front.

So a kid's wallet.

Yeah, I got it when we went to the Hockey Hall of Fame with my parents.

My brother got an autographed Messier puck.

He lost it in, like, a week... the jerk-off.

Anyway, it has sentimental value.

That's really sweet. I'll keep an eye out for it.

Thank you. At least someone around here cares.

Let's get out of here. I'm hungry.

Can we get some burgers please?

Yes, oh, I could go for a couple of Whoppers.

Hey, did you check the bathroom upstairs?

Mm-mm.

I'll be right back.

She's so nice.

What the hell is your problem?

What?

What do you mean?

You lost your wallet?

You couldn't come up with something more original than that?

And then you're gonna talk about my wife's new tits right in front of me?

I was [bleep] starving is all.

Yeah.

You came over here to get an eyeful of my wife's new high-beams.

You take any more Instagram photos?

Let me see your phone.

I have to say I am more than offended.

I guess I can understand accusing Dickie, but me?

You're both culpable.

Culp-a-what?

Sorry, guys, I didn't see it.

I'll explain it to you later.

That's okay. Thank you for looking.

So we'll see you both tonight?

Both?

Oh, yeah, the guys invited me to the bar.

Oh, of course they did.

No, it's for the fund-raiser, bro.

The more, the merrier?

God, it's for the girls.

The twins could really use the support.

Good-bye.

What?

Good-bye.

Good-bye, guys.

All right.

Get out of my house.

Leave my house right now.

Oh, I don't have a wallet, though; can you spot me tonight?

Absolutely not. Leave my home.

Don't worry, Dickie, I got you.

Don't listen to him.

Thank you, Karen.

Hey. Where'd everybody go?

I don't know.

My hand is k*lling me.

Yeah, you need to get a tetanus sh*t.

No way. I pass out from needles.

Well, you die from tetanus.

So get the sh*t.

No, you don't die from tetanus.

All right.

So you gonna give back that crazy cat?

No. Dude, the cat is mint.

It's, like, the most allergy-ridden cat on the planet.

The fact that he's a mean bastard is just a bonus.

As soon as Tanya sees him, she's out the door.

You're going through a lot of trouble to break up with this chick.

Why don't you just tell her the truth?

Paul, let me tell you something.

People don't want the truth, okay.

I prefer she see me in a positive light which allows me to keep her number on speed dial.

Rather than see you in the shitty, negative light that you actually live in.

Exactly.

Okay.

Dude, is that Jim Breuer?

Yeah, that is Jim Breuer.

And four other guys hanging on my wife.

I'm not happy about all this attention she's getting, man.

I understand. Makes you feel a little uglier?

Maybe less of a man?

No, seriously, dude.

I don't want to constantly be worrying about guys checking out my wife.

I get home today... Dickie and Sebalos are at the house pretending to look for a wallet.

Wow.

Yeah.

Dude, coming home to those two would be reason enough to ask her to get a de-largement.

You can do that? Undo it?

I couldn't, no.

Appreciate fine art too much.

But, yeah, an insecure piece of sh*t like you can.

Don't get me wrong, okay? They're great.

But I got to put an end to this.

Godspeed, okay?

May the devil curse your plans.

[all talking at once]

Here's your drink, babe.

Oh, thanks, I already have one.

You can just put it right there.

Oh, all right.

Hey. Paul.

Hey, Paul.

Karen's husband of many years.

We have a son. She's on my health care.

Ah, okay. Nice to meet you, hammer. Jim.

Paul plays on our team.

Oh, really? What position?

Left wing. 14 goals last season.

League record. Yeah.

Wow, with these guys?

Men's League, Division 8?

Yeah, I mean, it's a higher-caliber Division 8 than normal.

It's pretty atypical when you think about it, more like a 6 or 5.

Paul, Paul, who cares?

Breuski was just telling us about his latest film.

Yeah, well...

Wait, Breuski?

Is that what they call you?

Yeah.

You know they call me "Money."

We absolutely do not.

Not these guys... at work. I'm in finance.

He's an accountant.

Oh, well, yeah, he has the accountant face.

[all laughing]

I'm not just an accountant.

No, he's an accountant married to this.

Oh, jeez, well, uh, hey, here's to Karen.

I say we drink twice for that.

Isn't he funny?

Yeah, he's hilarious.

You ready to get out of here or what?

Not really.

Tits.

Dude, we just got here. What's your rush?

I got to do P90X.

Dude, I wanted to get that. Does that work?

I mean, look at him. Does it look like it works?

I call bullshit... there's no way that Paul's cheap ass spends 100 bucks on something that's not hockey-related.

Hey, um, why are you being so weird?

Who, me? I'm not being weird.

- [echoing] Tits...

Yes, you are.

Tits, tits, titties, brah.

[distorted voice] Tits...

Boy, it's just, phew...

Tits, tits.

I'll be right back.

He's one interesting accountant.

Yeah.

Yeah, and that's why I stopped taking birth control.

Oh, but I can't believe that I'm not allergic to cats anymore.

This is, like, the greatest day of my life.

Maybe I should just move in here and live with you two forever, huh?

What do you think about that?

[rock music playing through headphones]

Honey, I'm talking to you.

[wheezes] It's just the tin-nit-us. It's awful.

[giggles] Tinnitus.

It's tin-nit-us.

It's tinnitus, dum-dum.

So what do you think?

[wheezing] Whatever you say, babe.

Really? That's so perfect.

My brother has a truck so we can move everything over this weekend.

How do you feel about that, Steve?

We're a cute little family.

Give your son a kiss.

[groans]

Look.

I'm sorry about tonight, wanting to leave early and all.

No, I get it.

You're just jealous of guys looking at my new boobs.

But you have nothing to worry about.

I'm not jealous.

You think I'm that insecure?

I know you're that insecure.

You want to know the truth?

I'm concerned.

Oh, this I have to hear.

I've been noticing the change in your posture.

And I'm worried about the negative repercussions of having breast implants, how your back could be affected down the line.

Uh-huh.

I think that you should consider going back to what you had.

Because of the back problems.

Yeah.

And so people see you for the beautiful, kind, smart woman that you are.

Instead of just a nice pair of tits.

I didn't say that.

You're putting words in my mouth.

Words that you're thinking.

Is it so bad that I want you to age naturally into your body?

I mean, how weird would it be to have a 25-year-old set of boobs on a 75-year-old body?

Wow, you've put a lot of thought into this.

Yes.

I'm gonna tell you something that'll make you feel better.

Just let me finish, okay?

Okay.

You're right.

I'm jealous. There, I said it.

I don't want men loitering in our home, staring 12 inches below your eyes.

I'm up here.

As an incentive for you to reconsider, I'm willing to offer you a bribe.

A bribe?

Mm-hmm.

I know it's petty, but if you get the reduction, I will buy you those diamond earrings down at Sylvio's.

The full carat ones?

Yeah.

One carat in each ear?

Yes, the full carat ones.

Done.

I have something to tell you. Mmhmm.

But I don't want you to get mad.

Wait a minute, did Breuer hit on you at the party?

No.

But before I tell you what I'm about to tell you, you got to promise me, we got a deal.

You cannot go back on these earrings.

Yeah, a deal's a deal, Karen.

Cool.

My tits are temporary.

They are vacation breasts.

And they will dissolve in less than two weeks.

You're joking, right?

No.

I'm gonna k*ll you, you know that?

No. The saline is dissolving as we speak.

Okay, I got to go motor-boating while I still can.

What the hell is that?

Just lift your head up, babe.

[making motorboat sounds]

I feel like this is a weird sign, you know?

I sort of feel like this would be a great networking opportunity, but if you're there, I really feel like I need you to be, like, supportive.

Like, I don't want you to be, like, too up front, but then I don't want you to be, like, too far in the back.

Like, I sort of feel like I need you to just, be, like, right there with me, like.

God, I love our love.

You're my support system and my rock, and I'm so grateful for you.

[groaning]