01x08 - California Here We Come

[upbeat jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

You're not gonna believe it.

The Hockey Monkey shipped my new bag?

No. Try again.

You're not gonna make me shower because I scored the game-winning goal?

I don't care if you shower or not.

Take your clothes off now.

[laughing] Okay.

♪ ♪

This is fantastic.

Where did you get this?

It's left over from Bryan's wake.

Mm.

Mm. Mm.

I like it. It's good.

[man singing indistinctly]

♪ ♪

[both laugh]

What exactly is happening right now?

I have really, really good news.

Can you hurry up and tell me?

Because I'm cold.

You're about to make love to the new VP and publisher of "Own Body Magazine."

What?

What?

[both chuckle]

Congrats, babe!

Oh, my God, and can I get anything for the new VP and publisher of "Own Body Magazine"?

How about I take your pants off?

♪ ♪

Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What is "Own Body Magazine"?

I thought you worked at "Lingerie Quarterly."

It's a bigger...

Mm-hmm.

Better...

Mm-hmm.

Magazine.

With bigger, better money.

Well, here's to "Own Body Magazine"!

And it's in California.

Ha!

You're funny.

No, I'm serious.

It's in Santa Monica.

What do you mean, Santa Monica?

That's where they're based.

Baby, how are you gonna commute to Santa Monica?

That's, like, 3,000 miles from here.

Obviously we have to move, Paul.

Move?

♪ ♪

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

Yeah!

♪ You gotta tell her ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's got to know ♪

[skates scraping]

What do you mean, move?

Wait, you're serious?

Karen, what about my job?

You're an accountant.

Numbers are the same on both coasts.

What about the apartment?

I mean, we put a lot into this.

Yeah, the whole idea was an investment, right?

Time to cash in.

What about The Chubbys?

They're your friends. They'll understand.

They need me.

Are you joking?

What do you want me to do?

I'm standing here in my underwear, all freezing and sh1t, you're trying to get me drunk and tell me we're packing up and moving to California.

I'm not thinking clearly, Karen.

I was just trying to enjoy the moment, Paul.

That's all.

♪ ♪

Yo, what's with shaving gang symbols in your eyebrow?

Is it that bad?

I don't know, Vanilla Ice, you tell me.

sh1t.

No, no, you're just trying to get an edge.

We should all do it.

We'll intimidate the competition.

I'm not trying to gain an edge.

My alopecia is acting up, asshole.

I got to tell you guys something before we go out on the ice.

Karen got a new job.

In California.

Dude, no wonder your eyebrows are peeling.

Divorce is stressful.

Let me ask you a serious question.

Was she awarded the other half of that eyebrow?

Yeah, I mean, I assume if she gets to keep the eyebrow, then you get to keep the kid, right?

That's the deal?

Yo, my cousin Lee is a bad-ass divorce lawyer.

She'll make sure you and Declan are taken care of.

Everyone slow down. We're not getting divorced.

What do you mean?

Well we're figuring things out, you know?

She's leaving her job at the "Lingerie Quarterly" to work for "Own Body Magazine," and they're located on the West Coast.

I would never leave a place called the "Lingerie Quarterly."

What about us, man?

Dude, that's what I said, but it didn't go over well.

Do you have any idea how hard it's gonna be to meet new people with a checkered eyebrow?

You look like a freaking pedophile, dude.

We accept you for creepy you.

We don't care about that sh1t.

Yeah, love you, bro.

We are really, really gonna miss you.

And I appreciate that.

Honestly, you guys are the reason that figuring this whole thing out is so difficult.

I love you all, man.

[yells] We got you!

We don't give two sh1ts about you, asshole.

Dude, I could care less where you go.

Just get out of here.

Yeah, the second he's gone, I get to be left wing.

That is happening.

You suck, bro.

There's no chance that's happening.

We're gonna replace Paul with someone who's a man on and off the ice, someone who's not married, and someone who preferably has two full eyebrows.

[laughter]

Very funny.

All right, well, everybody get together so I can get one last picture before we go out just for the Facebook page.

I'm not leaving tonight.

Yeah, but as soon as you start packing, you're dead to us.

All right, here we go.

Everybody say, "Paul looks like sh1t" on three.

One, two, three.

Sebalos and Anthony: Paul looks like sh1t.

♪ ♪

♪ Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh ♪

What, did you leave town already, bro?

Hey, blow me.

I've scored our only goal.

Yeah, and gave up two.

You know what? You're playing like sh1t.

You'll do better on the left coast.

It's less physical out there.

That's what this is about, huh?

What?

That I may be leaving.

It is what this is about.

Got my mind messed up, and I can't concentrate.

Therefore, that's why I'm playing like sh1t.

Therefore, that's why we're down by two goals.

It's your fault.

sh1t, I'm gonna miss you, man.

I'm gonna miss you too, bro.

Hey, you weepy bitches, get on the ice.

It's your shift.

Jesus, he's got to yell at people.

[upbeat jazz music]

♪ ♪

Guys, can we settle down? Please?

I just want to say a few words, please.

Thank you.

Well, this isn't easy for me.

Yeah, nothing's easy for you, bro.

You know what the only thing more shocking than these two moving is that fact that Sebalos actually had 20 bucks to chip in for this party.

50 bones, son. Check it.

Oh, personal savings, bro.

[laughter]

But seriously, I know we're all a little sad to see our best friend move across the country, and, you know, I just want you to know that... you mean more to me than you'll ever know.

I'll miss you, Karen, [laughter] and Paul, if you ever need me for anything...

Mm-hmm.

Go screw yourself and lose my number.

[laughter]

But you know what?

Instead of getting caught up in the sentimental bullshit, let's make tonight a night that we'll never forget.

Sebalos, bust out that 'cano, baby.

[crowd cheers]

[lively music playing]

♪ ♪

Whoa, watch it, bro. Watch it. One minute.

All right, give it here.

You got it.

Now put it in your mouth and just suck.

Go.

Yes.

No, I'm good. I'm good.

All right. [coughs]

All right, let's go, Dickie.

Let's go.

Okay.

Oh... okay.

Whoa.

That's a lot. That's...

That's a lot.

[gasping]

[laughter]

[muffled upbeat music]

These are great. You made these?

I did. My grandma's recipe.

Mm.

Mm.

There better be weed in these.

There is. A whole ounce.

Yeah, Grandma was a pothead.

Yeah right.

No, seriously.

She was into edibles.

Grandma? Way ahead of her time.

You're supposed to tell people that before they eat them, you moron.

No, it's fine. I only ate one.

It'll be totally cool, man. Trust me.

Trust... Yeah.

You sure you're okay with this?

Yeah, who cares?

We want to have a night to remember, right?

Of course.

Come on, let's dance.

Crowd: 35! 36! 37! 38!

You got to try one. So good.

Stuff it in your mouth.

Holy sh1t, these are moist.

How strong are they?

Only one way to find out.

Enjoy!

Holy sh1t, they took the whole thing!

Crowd: 47! 48! 49!

[groans]

You're a pussy, Dickie.

Come on.

You're not gonna make it.

[crowd yells]

[laughs]

[Hotel Eden's "Golden Sun" playing]

♪ ♪

♪ Take my hands ♪
♪ My looks, my simple haircut ♪
♪ Making off to take a summer ♪
♪ We'll lead ♪
♪ Each other to where no one can break us down ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's all right, just give me reasons ♪
♪ No, no need to pretend to care ♪
♪ I been looking for you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I been looking for you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I been looking for you ♪

♪ ♪

[gurgles]

I need a drink of water.

Look who it is.

Let's get you a shot.

I just want some water.

I think the brownies are starting to kick in.

Starting?

I'm flying like a kite.

Hey, we should start a new business.

Grandma's Edible Derangements.

I love it, Vito.

Are you feeling anything?

Oh, I feel great.

My heart is really racy. I don't like it.

I don't like it.

No, no, no.

That's just all up here.

Yeah, it's all in your mind.

Take a deep breath, and then you just go: "I'm here. I exist."

[laughs]

I'm here.

I exist.

Sebalos, you got to give me the recipe!

'Cause I'm going to California, and guess what's legal there?

Weed.

Both: Weed.

I'm nauseous.

Am I dying?

You look so hot right now.

I think I want to have s*x with you.

Look at my wife.

Isn't she gorgeous?

She's goddamn hot.

I'd go to the mattresses with her in a heartbeat, and I don't mean that in the traditional mob sense, which I know nothing about.

Jesus, Mary I'm high.

[laughing] Thank you, Vito.

Paul, I think I'm gonna throw up.

I want to have s*x with you right now so badly.

Oh, my God! Paul!

Somebody get him some water!

[retches]

[both yell]

Sorry.

Call an ambulance. I think I'm dying.

Okay, people, I was never here.

All right, bro. Bro, bro, bro.

You're not dying, okay?

You're not dying.

You're just really high and covered in puke.

No, I'm positive I'm dying.

[laughter]

Get me an ambulance.

[sirens wailing]


How are you guys doing?

Oh, we're dying.

How about you?

Oh, yeah, I'm dying too.

They on anything?

Not that I know of.

Such a liar.

He baked pot brownies for our going away party.

Isn't he such a good friend?

I don't really know them too well.

Pot brownies?

That's not good.

They drinking too?

Um... not sure.

Hell yeah, we're drinking!

This is our going away party!

It was such a good party, and then we started dying.

Hey, you look familiar.

Are you on TV?

Uh, no.

My son John is in your son Declan's class.

Oh.

John?

Yeah. John Thurber.

No way!

We love that kid!

Yeah.

The Thurbernator!

He's the best.

Oh, my gosh, we should all hang out.

Yeah, I'd prefer we didn't.

Listen, I can take you to the hospital, but they're not gonna do anything for you.

Maybe keep you for observation, that's about it.

You're just stoned to the gills.

Not to mention covered in vomit, so I suggest this:

Go home, take a shower, go to bed, save yourself the co-pay.

Are you sure we're not dying?

I'm positive.

Hey, tell little Johnnie we say, "What's up?"

Stay away from my family, okay?

That eyebrow makes you look like a pedophile.

Fine.

Well, we're moving to California anyways.

That guy was cool.

[phone buzzing]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

[phone buzzing]

Hello?

This is she.

Oh, hi.

My what?

You need to drive Declan to school.

Huh?

Uh...

I didn't know about that.

Yeah, today isn't gonna work.

I'm kind of under the weather today.

Yeah, some kind of flu.

[coughs]

Sure, yeah, I'll call to reschedule.

Although technically it's not rescheduling since I didn't really know about it in the first place.

Right.

Thursday it is.

sh1t.

What?

sh1t!

Who was that?

HR.

Calling to remind me about my drug test today.

Drug test?

Exactly.

No one mentioned it to me.

Your degenerate friends ruined my career.

So now we're not moving to California?

This is not funny, Paul.

Now is not...

Okay.

In all seriousness, pot is almost legal now.

Everyone smokes weed.

Especially in publishing.

Yeah, but you're supposed to wait until after you pass your drug test to do it.

I can't believe a magazine would be upset that you ate pot.

I think they're just testing your willpower.

Like, they want to see if you can stay off it for 30 days.

So what do we do now?

Right now you have to drive your son to school.

I'm gonna go make some phone calls.

Want to just come here for a little...

No, what's wrong with you?

I brought some cookies if anyone wants.

Are you serious?

What, did more of your eyebrow fall out now?

It looks so disgusting.

Who cares about his eyebrows?

What I care about is that you slipped me a pot brownie, and the rest of you just sat around and watched.

Karen, I didn't see a thing, okay?

I was hooking up.

Shut it.

Randy, you may have just cost me and my family the best professional opportunity I'll be offered in this lifetime.

Karen, who's Randy?

That's me, bro.

That's my first name.

I didn't know that.

Randy Sebalos?

That does not sound very Chinese to me at all.

Well, actually, it's a pretty funny story.

My grandfather, Chang Sebalos, played a lot of Frisbee...

Shut up.

Okay.

Do any of you know how hard it is for a woman, a goddamn professional woman, to be recognized and promoted this far up the corporate ladder in a man's world?

Yup.

Guys, it's really hard.

The glass ceiling is real.

Yeah.

[mouthing words]

Listen, it's okay.

Karen, we're here to help you, okay?

We understand.

I feel really bad about what happened, but I've beaten a drug test before.

Many times, so I can help you.

It's worth a try, honey.

Don't "honey" me.

Okay.

What do I have to do?

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Karen, there are many factors to consider when ridding your body of THC.

Now, I'm gonna walk you through every step of the way.

Don't worry. I'm gonna be right there with you, okay?

However, you must not question anything I say.

Consider me your own personal Mr. Miyagi.

[laughs]

So you guys get to be Cobra Kai, then, right?

Sweep the leg!

What, you got a problem with that?

No, sensei!

As I was saying, there are many factors to consider.

Your metabolism, for one.

Is amazing.

Potency of the weed.

Also amazing.

Nice, Dickie. Thank you.

The frequency in which you use, which is a non-factor, and lastly, your body fat.

Oh, my God. I'm so fat. This isn't gonna work.

You're not fat at all, honey. Guys, is she fat?

No, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.

Let me see. Damn, girl.

Turn around a little bit. You don't have to turn around.

Just turn around a little bit.

You have very nice curves.

That ass is mint.

Anyway, what we're trying to do is we're trying to prepare for the urine and saliva tests since they probably won't administer the hair test.

How do you know that?

Well according to Google, they only do that stuff for some NASA-type jobs and sh1t, and with all due respect, Karen, lingerie, not exactly the same level as NASA.

I don't know, man.

Some of those outfits are pretty tough to get a chick out of.

Right?

Yeah, but tight jeans are still the worst.

All right. All right.

Are we ready?

Chubbys, off to the side.

♪ ♪

Karen, after you.

[whistle trills]

Is the whistle really necessary?

The first thing we want to do is to sweat out as much THC as possible, and the way we're gonna do that: hill sprints.

Oh, I'm not really, like, a sprinting type of girl, you know?

Fine.

Paul.

Paul!

Get over here!

Go ahead, Paulie.

Oh, all right.

Get out there.

I'm doing this. You're doing this with me.

But I don't have a test.

You're going to support me.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, are we ready?

[whistle trills]

Go, man!

Do it.

Move, bro. Come on.

[laughter]

What the hell?

He brought a whistle.

Shut up and sprint.

Move it! Hustle it up.

Biceps for show, triceps to go.

You really think it's gonna work?

I don't know, man.

Sebalos is not exactly the type of dude you follow into battle.

Bro, I wouldn't even follow him on Twitter. [laughter]

Touch the wall really softly.

Really softly.

Shut up.

Softly, Karen.

High up knees, high up knees.

Come on, Paul.

♪ ♪

[whistle trills]

Let's go.

♪ ♪

Go, baby!

Go, Paul!

Oh, some of your eyebrow just flew into my mouth.

[laughter]

He is disgusting.

[light jazz music]

Mmm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

All that fat.

[all groaning]

I don't eat meat.

Well, you do now.

Without it, they'll know you've diluted your system with water, so eat up.

Now we're gonna dilute your system, and just to make it interesting, every time I'm gonna take a shot, you're gonna drink a glass of water.

Please, can I have a shot of something first?

No way.

You're clearing out the toxins.

You want to put as much of mother earth's H20 into that polluted body of yours as possible.

You ready?

Here we go.

[muffled rock music]

Shot!

♪ ♪

Shot!

♪ ♪

[exclaims]

Yeah! Go, Karen.

Another one?

I have to pee.

Wait, what? No.

That is so unprofessional.

Karen!

It's the last step, Karen.

Thank God.

To the last step.

California, baby. Here we come.

California, come on, Karen.

Cheers to that.

It's all going in now.

Wait, what is this?

You need to ingest it.

You have to see this through, okay?

You've come all this way.

All right, this is it.

You can't give up now.

That not what you do.

That's not what we do.

No!

It's not a Chubbys thing to do.

That is not our way!

Hell no!

Chubbys!

All: Chubbys! Chubbys! Chubbys! Chubbys! Chubbys! Chubbys! Chubbys!

[all yelling]

[light jazzy music]

♪ ♪

You okay in there?

Just fine.

♪ ♪

That's a nice lipstick you have on.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[phone buzzing]

♪ Oh, the summer breeze blows soft around your throat ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Her head feels cool and thoughts ring out ♪

[phone buzzes]

♪ ♪

♪ You gaze up at the stars ♪
♪ At a long, long distance now ♪

Hello?

♪ To the splendor ♪

[buzzer rings]

[all yelling]

♪ ♪

♪ It all worked out right ♪

♪ ♪

Okay.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Wow.

♪ ♪

I passed.

All right, boys.

Hey, to The Chubbys.

Long live The Chubbys.

♪ ♪

[all groaning]

[all laughing]