01x04 - Zombie Tea Party 5

[bunniefuu]

Hey, I'm drawing here!

Zuri, that is a beautiful lion!

Alien?

Sasquatch?

Tell me if I'm getting warmer.

It's you.

Hmm.

See, this is your hair.

Oh. Last time I go to Quickie Cuts.

Yeah, just because you get a coupon doesn't mean you should use it.

Up and back in 22 seconds.

b*at that, Puke.

The name's Luke.

Although the view of your butt did make me want to puke.

Now watch and learn.

I'm gonna climb this wall faster than a spider monkey on a sugar high.

Uh, Luke, aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah. Trevor, let's put some money on this.

No. No, no, no.

I didn't mean gambling.

I was talking about a helmet.

Jessie, I can't wear this!

Don't worry, I can fix the strap.

No, I mean it's got a princess on it.

It's got a princess under it, too.

Look, I am sorry, but safety comes first.

And hey, I think you're getting a little sunburned, so let me just...

No, I'm not...

I'm fine and I'm going up.

Trevor, start timing me.

Whoa, sunscreen.

This is slippery.

Whoa, falling!

I got you.

Okay.

You got 20 more seconds.

Maybe she can carry you up.

All right.

All right, that's it!

We're going to settle this like real men.

By playing paintball in weird costumes!

You're on!

Me and my brother, Dirk, are gonna be gladiators.

And we're gonna eat your brains!

Yeah, if you had any!

Up top!

Sorry, but it's too dangerous.

I don't have a wrist protector.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Em, you are cordially invited to my tea party tomorrow.

Dress is black tie and tails.

Thank you.

As always I shall be delighted to attend.

But please don't sit me next to Chubby the Bear.

He hogs the honey and never wears pants.

Jasmine!

Emma! Kisses.

Hey!

I'm not a coatrack!

You are now.

Fantabulous news.

What is it?

Check your phone.

I'm busy.

You scored us Posen's fashion show?

Front row!

When is it?

Tomorrow at 3:00!

I can't wait!

But, Emma, tomorrow's my tea party.

Zuri, that's kid stuff!

Hello? We're talking Zac Posen.

The front row will be all celebrities.

Yay!

Phone five!

Phone five!

But what about our celebrity guest?

Kenny the Koala is coming all the way from Luke's room.

Don't you have something to finger paint?

I'd finger paint your coat, but it just caught a cab to Brooklyn!

So, think you can duck and roll like that?

No.

If I start rolling, I won't stop until I hit the duck pond.

Come on, Bertram!

I need a paintball partner, and you need someone to keep quiet about what happened to Mom and Dad's wedding china.

The lizard startled me.

Whatever. The point is that gravy boat is never setting sail again.

Come on, we've only got one day to practice before the competition.

Okay, what do I have to do?

Well, the first rule of paintball is to have a good hiding place.

So, survey the terrain carefully, and find the perfect spot.

Now go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Really? You're exposed.

Oh, dear.

Hey, Puke!

Don't even bother practicing, 'cause my brother Dirk and I are gonna pound you like a chicken cutlet.

Wow. Dirk had a growth spurt.

Yeah, he beefed up.

In prison.

Does he know you can just twist the top off?

Does your partner know he needs a bigger lamppost?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, no!

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to clean up before dinner.

We're having salmon.

Ugh, I hate salmon.

I know!

Great. When Bertram cooks angry, no one wins.

I still haven't passed that marble that somehow "wound up" in my mashed potatoes.

Meanwhile, I still need a partner.

You know, my dad taught me how to field-strip an AK-47 when I was in third grade.

FYI, that'll win you the school talent show every time.

I need a partner with cat-like agility.

Really?

Got a hankering for some walnuts.

And they also need to be really strong.

Gee, these walnuts are still in their shells.

Oh, thanks.

But where am I gonna find someone like that?

Oh, for the love of fudge, pick me!

What? You want me to go into combat against Trevor with my nanny?

Haven't you embarrassed me enough?

I wasn't trying to embarrass you.

I was trying to keep you from getting a boo-boo!

Quit babying me.

If I show up with you, I might as well just wear a diaper and a bib!

But then you would catch cold!

Oh, see, I did it again.

Bertra I'm inviting you to my tea party tomorrow.

Oh, thank you, but tomorrow I have to check to see if the cheese has gone bad.

But you have to come.

Emma ditched me for Jasmine Epstein!

Ugh. Jasmine.

You know what the other butlers say, that she's a horrible gossip.

But you didn't hear it from me.

My lips are sealed.

So you're gonna come to my tea party, right?

No!

Don't look at the eyes.

Please?

Oh, I can't.

Please!

No!

Please!

Okay, okay, okay!

With lungs like that, you could be a professional sponge diver.

Thanks.

The party is BYOB.

Bring your own boa.

Luke, I do not know what "bottom of the barrel" means, but thank you for choosing me as your partner.

I am ready to paint the ball!

Great.

Just try not to disappoint me more than I think you're going to.

Oh, go, go, go.

The game is starting.

Just, uh, stay down, and cover me.

I am here for you, brother!

If you're still cold, I can buy you a warm drink.

Drink vendor, over here, my good man.

Bertram, can I ask your advice?

Yes, I think you should give up on your dreams and move back to Oklahoma.

It's Texas.

So, Luke is about to get paint-stomped by that little virus, Trevor, but he won't let me help him because he thinks I'll embarrass him.

Why would he think that?

Well, I may have kind of embarrassed him.

Did you roll into the duck pond, too?

No, but there was an incident involving a pink bicycle helmet, some sunscreen, and I may have kind of cradled him in my arms. Blah, blah, blah.

The point is I know I can help him, but he doesn't want me there.

So what should I do?

Do what I do.

Hide in the pantry and pretend to inspect cheese?

And count the days till all the kids are off to college.

Or in Luke's case, a correctional facility.

Well, when the going gets tough, you won't find me in the pantry with my face in the feta!

I'm gonna go help Luke, and this time, I won't embarrass him.

Should I bring him a juice box?

No.

And for the record, you'll never see me going out of my way for these kids.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tea party to attend.

These cookies you brought are too hard.

They're not cookies.

They're scones.

More like stones!

Good thing I got another set of teeth coming in, because these are trashed.

I don't hear the lizard complaining.

What does he know?

He eats dead rats.

I miss Emma.

This is no fun.

You think you're miserable?

I'm wedged into a toy chair, my boa is molting, and this tiara is cutting off the blood flow to my brain.

Hey, beauty hurts.

You're the worst tea party guest ever!

I would like to point out that, unlike Mr. Kipling, I haven't tried to eat the other guests.

Here, have a cupcake I made in my Queasy-Bake oven.

And what's the number we call in case of emergency?

9-1-1.

Remember that.

Mmm.

A tad underdone.

Maybe you should try cooking it under a larger lightbulb.

I believe Rachael Ray recommends a 50 watt.

Hey, Puke!

Is that crying I hear?

No! Quit crying!

You should be grateful I have not gone into my panicked projectile vomiting.

Now hand me your underwear!

Why?

I need something white to display to show them I surrender!

Well, what's wrong with your underwear?

It is no longer white.

Come on, Ravi, move out.

Yo!

Jessie?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I already have a partner.

No, you do not. But I'll be happy to lend you moral support.

From behind that parked car.

I am deserting!

Please withhold your pellets of pain!

Clearly, I've been humiliated enough without any help from you.

Look, I'm sorry I embarrassed you yesterday by being overprotective.

Hey, why aren't you wearing padding?

I am, under my clothes!

And I did it again.

Look, I'm here to make it up to you.

Will you just give me a chance?

I don't know, Jessie.

Oh, come on!

See, I took out those two ninjas and that team dressed as accountants.

Uh, I think those really are accountants!

Oh, sorry, guys!

On the bright side, dry cleaning is deductible!

You just got sacked!

Time out! Time out!

Hey, Puke!

If you keep hugging that rock, you're gonna have to marry it.

Oh, yeah?

Nice dress, knobby knees!

Yeah!

It's a centurion battle skirt!

And he taunts you?

Hey! Luke, how many partners do you have?

Just one.

My nanny!

Nope, no way to make that sound cool.

Your nanny?

Is she gonna read you a bedtime story?

Yeah, it's called Nanny Makes Trevor Go Night-Night!

That didn't sound very cool either.

No, it didn't.

No.

I think it's the word "nanny" that kind of makes it sound lame.

It's nanny. Maybe we should try "au pair".

What are you people talking about?

We're done talking.

I'll show you what a nanny can do.

All right, keep your eye on the tree.

Nice sh*t!

Why, thank you.

Whoa! I'm getting my gluteus maximus out of here!

Mmm-hmm.

I am so sorry, little pigeon.

I thought you were a pinecone.

I'm ready! How does my mom's dress look with the heels you lent me?

But don't worry, it'll be dark.

O-M-G!

Are you okay?

You poor, little soul.

Don't worry. Mommy's here.

And she loves you.

She loves you.

You know, for such expensive shoes, they don't work very well.

Text flash.

One of the Olsen twins is available and wants to come tonight.

Really? Which one?

Does it matter?

I can't believe I'm going to meet an Olsen!

Ooh. About that.

I only have two tickets.

So you're not gonna go?

You're so cute.

Check your phone.

Oh. So, I'm the one not going?

Ding ding ding!

Sorry, Em.

I'll text you pics!

And I have a text for you.

That's rude!

You text your mother with that phone?

Hey, aren't you supposed to be at a fashion show?

Aren't you supposed to be a guy?

Hey, I'm only wearing this getup because you ditched your little sister.

Yeah, well, Jasmine just ditched me.

Fantastic!

I mean, aw, that's too bad.

You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling down?

A tea party with a burping lizard.

Zuri's really mad at me.

She probably doesn't want me around.

I don't know.

She set a place for you and she didn't let anyone else sit there.

Really?

Not even Millie the Mermaid?

Nope. Go have fun.

In the meantime, I'm going to attempt to pry this chair off my butt.

This is awesome!

I can smell victory!

Now let's finish this!

Lock and load!

Mummies, three o'clock!

Run home to Daddy, mummies!

To the mushrooms!

Hey, Puke!

Looks like it's just you and us!

Get ready to eat paint!

We don't eat paint!

We serve it!

With a side of butt-kicking!

A la mode!

With sprinkles!

Okay, we're done now.

Let's do this, partner.

Hey, Trevor, prepare to get puked!

Ugh. Epic fail!

Yeah! That's right!

You've just been nannified!

Game over.

You won!

No, we won.

Jessie, Luke, I am so proud.

While you were fighting for your lives, I ran to the teacher supply store to pick up these congratulatory stickers.

"Great job!"

"You are a star!"

And see, it is shaped like a star!

Thanks, Ravi.

Come on, guys.

Let's go home.

Oh, hey, Trevor!

Put on some sunscreen!

Hi, Zuri. Is there room for me at your tea party?

I thought you said it was kid stuff.

And aren't you supposed to be at the fashion show?

Well, I thought about it, but then I realized it was more important to spend time with my little sister.

Mmm-hmm?

Okay, okay.

Jasmine dumped me.

Chubby the bear called it.

I owe you five bucks, Chubs.

So, can I sit down?

Sure.

Millie, I told you that seat was reserved!

Excuse the scales.

No problem.

Cupcake?

Don't mind if I do.

Hmm.

This **.

Thank you. I added dashing glitter.

By the way, I **.

Oh well done.

After tea, let's go throw our shoes out the garbage ***.

Why wait?