01x05 - One Day Wonders

[bunniefuu]

Morning, Bertram.

I could use a banana, sunscreen, and some peanuts.

And I could use a rich girlfriend named Lola.

I guess we're both a couple of dreamers.

I'm going to spend my day off all by myself in Central Park.

The banana's if I get hungry, the sunscreen's in case it's hot, and the peanuts are in case I meet a squirrel.

They're so cute with their little chubby cheeks!

You really are adorable.

Aw...

Central Park chews up "adorable" and poops it out.

I heard the word adorable, so here I am!

Could I go to the park with you?

Oh, sweetie, I would love that, but I need a little time to be alone.

Like I was on prom night, when my date dumped me for the entire drill team.

But why share my bitterness with you?

Please let me come!

I need sunlight.

Must have vitamin D.

Okay. I'll be alone with you.

All better!

Hey, I hear you're going to the park.

And yet, when I call you to do your homework, you don't hear a thing.

So, I hear we are going to the park.

Yep. Think fast!

I think... Ouch!

Emma, are you coming to the park with us?

Sorry, I'm updating my status.

"Just invited to the park.

Now sitting on the couch."

Good job, Emma.

Keep living life to the fullest.

Bertram? I'm going to the park alone.

With Zuri, Ravi, and Luke.

And anyone else we happen to meet along the way.

Now you know why I always sneak out down the back stairs.

(HISSING)

They're never coming back for you.

Let's go search their rooms for loose change.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Jessie ♪

Hey, guys, you want to hear a song?

What's it about?

Oh, a little life lesson I learned.

See ya.

Jessie, I would love to hear your musical stylings.

Aw. Thanks, Ravi!

(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

Oh, look.

I'm just...sual tree!

You're losing them.

People left the Titanic slower.

Bertram, can I ask you a question?

I'm real busy cleaning right now.

But this is super important!

I'm updating my profile picture.

Do these make me look smarter?

You want to look smarter, stand next to Luke.

Say cheese, Emma! Cheese!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Hey, Bertram, do you want a new profile picture?

No, thank you.

I don't live my life on the computer.

What life?

Don't you want to know what your high school friends are doing?

I know what they're doing.

Time in prison.

Although, I have always wondered how Karen Holtzhauer turned out.

I kind of liked her.

(WHISPERING) Karen Holtzhauer.

(GASPS) More like Karen Hotzhauer!

Looks like she lives in New York, she's single, and she's not in prison!

Wow, she looks even prettier without the mullet.

♪ Had it up to here with these Texas guys ♪

It's coming along.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, Ravi.

(EXCLAIMS)

Are you all right?

I was watching the ducks in the pond when I saw a mob of people running towards me.

My instinct was to flee.

Ravi, it's just a 5k run.

Didn't you have runs back in India?

Only when I ate bad chicken tikka.

Come on, Ravi, let's leave Jessie alone.

She needs to work on her song.

A lot.

Okay...

(DRUM MACHINE PLAYING)

♪ A cowboy hat he put a rope around my heart ♪
♪ And everything was awesome at the start ♪
♪ Then he kissed a bleach blonde waitress ♪
♪ and I saw through his disguise ♪
♪ Oh, I've had it up to here with these Texas guys ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh! Thank you!

New Yorkers, always littering!

I'll take care of that.

Where did you come from?

Oh, my parents say the stork brought me.

But the seventh graders have a more interesting theory.

New rule. No talking to seventh graders.

And I thought you didn't like my music.

Well, that was before George Washington joined the act.

Now, I think we should be a trio.

(DRUM MACHINE PLAYING)

Five bucks!

Hello, Abe Lincoln!

Keep dancing, partner.

(DRUM MACHINE PLAYING)

Okay, I've washed my face and buttoned my vest.

Let's take my profile picture.

You can't take a picture looking like... You.

No offense taken.

We totally need to youthinize you.

What?

You know, make you look younger.

Oh, thank goodness.

Here, try this on.

All right, I'm trusting you.

Well, this was a mistake.

You look fabulous!

Positively Bieberific.

I can't breathe.

Take the picture.

Take the picture!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Got it!

(GROANS)

Oh...

I feel better.

I don't.

I just swallowed a button!

(GAGGING)

And here it is.

Fairfield.

Please hold.

Congressman, here's your prescription.

Hope that rash clears up.

Thanks.

My goodness, this looks like the Calcutta train station during rush hour.

Which is every hour.

It's Doormageddon!

Can we help you, Tony?

Thanks, but you could never handle it.

(WHISTLES)

Okay, people, two groups!

Those who live here and those who wish they did!

Group one, kindly follow me to the elevator.

Group two, don't let the door hit you where Mother Nature split you.

Oh, heck to the no!

This building is my turf!

Oh, okay, peddle your cookies.

But I will need a two-box kickback.

Go.

Okay, maybe you can handle it...

You want a cookie?

Thanks.

That will be five bucks.

♪ The next year I got stuck on a football jock ♪
♪ He tackled me with swagger and his twangy Texas talk ♪
♪ Then he made a pass at the whole drill team ♪
♪ and I saw through all his lies ♪
♪ Oh, I've had it up to here with these Texas guys ♪

Yeah! Poppin'! Tight!

So far off the chain you can't even see it anymore.

"Where is it?"

I dunno, you tell me.

That's how good that was.

J.J. Mayfield, music producer.

My card, my brochure, my profile.

You make music videos?

I make stars, kid.

I make kids stars.

You discovered T-Jam?

I just downloaded his latest ringtone.

I always wanted to be my own ringtone!

You think we're that good?

I think spicy Italian sausage is good.

I think world peace is good, but you guys are great.

Let's make a demo.

I'll kick open some doors, book some clubs.

Next stop, "Hello, I'm famous.

Who are you?"

Call me.

We'll call you...

I think we just got discovered!

I knew I was good, but I didn't know I was sausage good!

Oh. It says here it costs $1,200 to produce a demo video.

How much do we have in the guitar case?

42 dollars, 10 cents, three arcade tokens...

Ooh! Some raisins.

Definitely not raisins.

Stupid squirrels!

And here's the new you!

Ugh.

I guess the camera does add a few pounds.

So does a steady diet of bacon and donuts.

Hey. Before you kids came along, I was a swimsuit model.

Really?

No, but I didn't break a sweat putting on my socks.

Don't worry, I'll just work a little computer magic.

First, let's add some highlights to your wig.

Emma: Oops.

I look like America's most wanted leprechaun.

Now, let's shave off a few pounds.

You'll go from chunky...

To hunky!

Wow.

Can I borrow that for a second?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, now you've gone too far.

You look like a Bertram bobblehead.

Who cares?

I'm thin with hair.

Press send.

Okay, how are we gonna come up with $1,200?

Ooh!

This has gotta be worth at least $1,250.

We'll have money left over for sushi.

I can't steal from your parents.

It's not stealing.

It's just...

Taking without permission.

I can hear the judge laughing now.

Okay, I have about $800 in savings.

Great! I've got $100 in birthday money.

That equals the $1,200 we need!

What we need is to get you a math tutor!

Zuri: (ON INTERCOM) Maybe I can help you out.

Zuri?

It's not polite to eavesdrop.

I can let you have a hundred bucks.

Keep talking.

And I can give you the rest in rupees.

I will be a silent partner.

I will stay in the background.

I will support and strategize.

I will...

For a silent partner, you sure run your mouth.

Thanks, guys.

We'll pay you back every penny.

So?

Let's give Mr. Mayfield a call and tell him the JessieLuke Project is ready to roll.

(CHUCKLES) You mean the LukeJessie Project.

Oh, no, no, no, the JessieLuke Project.

Luke: LukeJessie. JESSIReally?

When this thing goes south, I get my money back before you.

This is it.

Your launch pad.

(MIMICS expl*si*n) Into orbit.

(LAUGHS)

Houston, we have a problem!

Too much talent!

Well, I did place second in my middle school talent show.

I would have won, but Tiffany Haskell's flaming baton set my sock puppets on fire.

Great story.

Save it for the talk shows.

We're gonna be on talk shows?

I call the seat closest to Conan!

What? Why do you get to sit next to Conan?

Oh, because I have charm, talent and the freckles.

Wow...

Let's sh**t this thing.

Here? Just in front of the wall?

We'll put the background in later.

You make your magic, I'll make mine.

Forget that.

We need to zazz up the act.

Here.

How am I supposed to play a sensitive song of love and loss on this?

Easy, like this.

(DISTORTED CHORD RINGING)

My teeth are actually vibrating.

Cool, huh?

Now, go pour yourself into this.

Lovely.

Where's the rest of it?

Look, if we're making changes, it would be nice if your look matched the theme of my song.

What, you want me to dress like a cowboy?

(CHUCKLES)

Howdy, partner.

Hey, where you been, door munchkins?

We gave Jessie and Luke money for their music video.

They have been discovered by a big-time producer.

Woot, woot!

See?

J.J. Mayfield?

The guy's a scam artist!

He takes advantage of suckers with big dreams and small IQs.

How do you know?

Because I was one of those suckers!

Last year, J.J. told me he could open doors, but 12 hundred bucks later, the only one opening doors is me!

See?

Jessie better not lose my money.

I get paid back or things get ugly.

How's it going?

Thor?

I've been checking out the profiles of my high school classmates, and I look so much better.

They all got fat and bald!

And the guys don't look so great either.

(TABLET CHIMES)

Look, Karen Holtzhauer accepted your buddy request!

(GASPS) Oh!

I can't wait to get in touch with her!

If things work out, you're gonna be watching my tiny new butt strut off into the sunset.

Right.

So, let's check out Karen's pics!

Emma: Wow, that's a lot of kids!

Please tell me she's a school teacher or she operates a pickpocket ring.

Nope.

They're tagged with the same last name.

They're all hers.

(CRYING)

And look! It says she wants to have more.

What a waste.

I can't believe I worked so hard to get into shape.

I'm gonna go get a bacon-wrapped donut.

You sure don't look like Dr. Chang, but okay.

Here's your key.

Tony's job is tougher than it looks.

Yeah. And I ate too many kickback cookies.

I feel sick.

(RETCHING)

Here are your groceries, madam.

Oh, looks like your macaroni salad spilled.

That wasn't macaroni salad.

That was tossed cookies.

Uh-oh. Now I feel terrible for taking her tip.

And I will get over it.

I look so stupid.

If I saw me, I'd b*at myself up.

Well, I'm wearing a dress that, in my hometown, would get me arrested.

What's your hometown?

Lamesville, USA?

No! That's our sister city.

Hey, hey.

You both look great.

Let's show the video camera how great you look!

First, she has to change her song.

It's just a backup for my dancing anyways!

(GASPS) No, you are the backup dancer for my singing.

(GASPS)

The only reason people will watch this video is because I'm starring in it!

You little egomaniac.

People want to watch me.

Do, re, mi. Me.

Not you, me!

Who cares? I got a Lady Gaga wannabe coming in half an hour, and if I keep her waiting, her meat dress is gonna spoil.

So let's make with the music and the dancing!

(DRUM MACHINE PLAYING)

♪ The next year I got stuck on a football jock ♪
♪ He tackled me with swagger and his twangy Texas talk ♪
♪ Then he made a pass at the... ♪

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Hey! That's an expensive camera!

Not anymore.

It was her fault.

No, nuh-uh. He started it.

Did not!

Did, too!

Hey, stop!

Stop. Stop.

I am going to get the other camera, and you better not break it.

I got it for my bar mitzvah.

Stop!

Don't sing!

Don't dance!

Don't entertain in any way!

Not much chance of that.

What are you doing here?

J.J.'s trying to rip you off!

What? No.

He's gonna make me into a ringtone!

Yeah, he's T-Jam's manager.

He was T-Jam's dog walker.

And he got fired 'cause he lost the dog!

He can't make you famous.

He's just gonna sell you a cheap video that I could make with a cell phone.

Hey...

Tony, right?

I'm still waiting to hear back from the label about your demo.

This young man?

Like an angel on kazoo!

I mean, I get shivers!

I can't believe we were gonna give this guy $1,200.

Were gonna?

Are gonna!

Not gonna!

So you haven't paid him anything yet?

Nope.

We were supposed to pay him after we sh*t the video, but we were too self-centered and childish to get anything done.

So, ha-ha!

Props for this! Boom!

Right! What's up?

Who needs you?

I still got Tony here.

All he needs is a new demo, and look out.

Who's the most famous kazoo player in the history of everything?

Tony!

You really think so?

'Cause I've been working on some new tunes...

Great, I'll take a debit card.

Come on, kazoo boy.

Hey! It doesn't even have to be yours!

♪ A cowboy hat he put a rope around my heart ♪
♪ And everything was awesome at the start ♪
♪ Then he kissed a bleach blonde waitress ♪
♪ And I saw through his disguise ♪
♪ Oh, I've had it up to here with these Texas guys ♪
♪ So now I'm here in NYC ♪
♪ Gota find the guy who's only into me ♪
♪ The Lone Star State is great ♪
♪ But I said my good-bye's ♪
♪ I've had it up to here with those Texas guys ♪

Yeah.

Tony, that was awesome.

Wow.. you are really yearning when you're on the cazzo.

It's a gift.

Well I'm still wiped out for my day off.

So... I'm gonna go up to my room.

I go too.

And good night.

Wait for me.

I'm in.

I wanna come.

I meant alone.

Can't blame a guy for trying.

I know, right?