01x23 - Creepy Connie's Curtain Call

[bunniefuu]

Guys, guess what?

The play I wrote is going to be produced!

Oh, that's awesome. On Broadway?

No, in your school auditorium!

Which is just four subway stops away from Broadway!

Principal Johnson called it "well-formatted".

And "amazingly affordable".

Try not to let that go to your head.

Jessie, look, I'm on Mount Everest!

(Chuckles nervously)

And I am her fearless Sherpa Guide.

Fearless? You cried all the way up.

(Grunting)

Look out!

Luke! Watch out!

Wow, that was close. Thanks.

Hiya, freckles!

(Screams) Creepy Connie!

I'd rather be smushed by the boulder!

Connie, thank you so much for saving Luke.

Now please don't hurt him. Or me.

(Scoffs)

Come on!

Who hasn't broken into a boy's apartment, kidnapped his favorite stuffed koala, and then..

Accidentally decapitated him?

Am I right, ladies?

Aren't you supposed to have a court-ordered companion?

Not since yesterday!

The 180 days are up!

Great!

Anyway, Luke, I am so sorry, and I'm totally over you.

So can't we just be friends?

Why don't you ask Kenny the koala?

Jessie sewed his head back on, but it still looks like this!

(Whimpers)

So! - (Chuckles nervously)

Are we going back to your place?

I could use some chicken wings and a hot bath.

Gee, I would love that!

But we just moved.

We did?

Yes, we did!

A Luke hair!

I'll add it to the doll.

You're so handsome. Yes, you are!

Dance for me!

(Giggling)

Come on, Lukey, let's go home.

That is messed up!

I know.

Luke gets all the girls!

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

But they keep on pulling me every which way.

Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

My whole world is changing, turning around.

They got me going crazy, and they're shaking the ground.

But they took a chance on the new girl in town.

And I don't want to let them down, down, down.

Hey Jessie.

Hey Jessie.

It feels like a party every day.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie.

Congratulations, Bertram.

For school, I need to write a report on someone and their job.

And I chose you.

Well, of course you did.

Because you have a deep respect for the rich history of butlering.

No, because you don't do anything.

When Ravi first got here, were a bean bag chair.

He also thought the garbage disposal was an angry God.

He was new.

Your gig is so easy, anyone could do it.

Oh, that sounds like a challenge.

I wouldn't call your job a challenge.

But I'm down for a little Butler competition.

Fine. May the best Butler win!

I'm gonna buttle your butt off!

(Bones cracking)

(Groaning)

Hey, guys.

Are you gonna try out for the play?

I've gotten the lead role every year since my kindergarten health pageant.

He played gingivitis.

What can I say? I've got talent, good looks, and charisma.

And don't forget that weird egg smell.

You smell it, too?

And still he gets all the girls.

Meanwhile, I douse myself with manly cologne..

And I get bupkis.

Okay, I know you're all super-excited to audition for my play, grenade to the heart.

I'll take that loud breathing as a yes.

Okay. Let me set the scene for you.

Josie, a waitress in a Texas Cantina, is crushed when Ben, the soldier she loves, dumps her, destroying her young life.

Sounds like the feel-good play of the semester.

Wait, wait, wait!

Did I mention there's a, uh, werewolf?

(Students exclaim excitedly)

That's gonna be an easy rewrite.

Ooh, I hope I get picked to be in this thinly-veiled dramatization, of yet another of Jessie's romantic train wrecks.

This play is not about my pathetic love life!

I'm writing a musical about that.

Can I do the wardrobe?

The story of your failed love may be the same, but at least the clothes won't be tragic.

Hello, fellow thespians!

Hark, doth I see a sign-up sheet?

A little Shakespeare for ya there.

Uh, Connie, you've never tried out for the school play before.

I know, but I just suddenly felt the urge to be on stage, feel the lights on my face..

Didn't you get enough of that during your police line-up?

But officer Turner said I had star quality.

Anyway, all the parts are taken.

Right, Jessie?

Jessie, your play is so brilliant.

It's pure poetry.

Auditions start right now.

Break a leg! (Chuckles)

Oh, don't give her any ideas!

Round one, introducing a guest.

(Elevator dings)

Introducing Mister Kipling, of the Ranjapooni Kiplings.

Thank you, good Sir.

An extra dead mouse will be on your pillow tonight.

Boring. That's not an introduction.

This is an introduction.

(Upbeat music playing)

And now!

Introducing!

Your main monitor!

Mr. Kipling!

(Music stops)

I think that music made me deaf.

Aw! Does that mean you can't hear this?

(Shouting) Point, Zuri!

(Music playing)

All right, I'm posting the cast list.

Whoa! Ow! Ow!

Look, someone's selling a used clarinet.

Yes! I got the male lead.

Of course.

I am the werewolf? Thank you, Jessie!

What clinched it, my bad boy reputation, or my animal magnetism?

The fact that you were the only other boy who wanted to be in the play.

Works for me!

I wonder who's going to play Josie.

Me, I hope!

What?

I'm playing a tumbleweed?

Tumbleweed number one!

You are the lead weed!

You roll across the stage twice!

You're okay with that, right?

Sure.

Not everyone can be the star, right?

I'm just happy to be a part of the cast.

Great!

So, Luke, looks like you'll be doing the kissing scene with Charlotte Dunbar.

Lucky her.

Lucky me! She must be a great kisser.

I've seen the way she plays the trumpet.

(Blowing raspberry)

I just couldn't be happier for Charlotte.

(Screaming)

(Shouting) What are you staring at?

Jessie: Welcome to our first rehearsal.

I want you all to feel free to explore your characters.

But if you change one word of my dialogue, you're going to detention.

Wow, somebody went through puberty awful fast.

It is makeup.

It will help me get into character.

And if you get lost, into the animal shelter!

(Snarls)

Ravi, I appreciate your dedication..

Good. Because I have many questions.

When was I first bitten?

Oh! When I k*ll, do I feel remorse?

How do I keep my fur shiny and manageable?

I don't know, I don't care, and conditioner!

Jessie, what do you think of this for Luke's character?

You know, army uniforms shouldn't sparkle.

It kinda undercuts the whole camouflage thing.

Now, where's the actress playing me?

I mean, Josie?

Haven't you heard?

Oh!

Poor Charlotte was coming down the stairs and slipped on a limited edition tickle me Voldemort doll.

Well, that's odd.

Voldemort doesn't strike me as a giggler.

So sadly, the only cast Charlotte's going to be in is a full-body cast. (Laughing)

I mean, aw.

So you love Harry Potter, and the dark lord just happened to end up taking out your competition?

How do you explain that?

Death Eaters are everywhere.

Jessie, don't you see what's going on here?

Creepy Connie wants to play Josie so she can kiss me!

And who can blame her? But help me!

Maybe she's just excited to be a part of such a groundbreaking piece of theater.

You are aware we're all doing this just to get out of Home EC, right?

Well, actually, I was not aware of that.

That explains your attitude and why you can't work a blender.

Anyway, Becky Greenberg is next in line for the part.

Becky Greenberg?

She is the understudy.

Right. Uh-huh.

Yeah, the six feet understudy.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

That's fine. You're the Director.

You know best.

(Chuckling)

(Yelling) Ow!

Ravi, that was fabulous, but save it for show night.

(Vacuum whirring)

Done! Ha!

Vacuumed all 14 stairs in two minutes, six seconds!

Now that's fast!

Zuri: No, this is fast!

(Tires screeching)

(Whirring)

Where did you get that?

Tony knows a guy.

He pimped my ride.

(Music playing)

Woo!

Emma, my Dad sent this flamethrower for Ben to use in the play.

Your Dad had a flamethrower just lying around the house?

Yeah. He's too cheap to buy a barbecue.

Okay, BTW, do not push that button.

All right!

Okay, let's start rehearsal.

Where is my actress playing Josie?

Haven't you heard?

Unfortunately, poor Becky had a terrible mishap in shop class today.

Somehow, and this is a weird one..

Her braces got welded to a crescent wrench.

How did that happen?

I have to believe basic safety rules were violated.

But poor Becky can't even say who did it, because she can't talk.

(Screaming)

But I'm available.

Pucker up, Luke.

Jessie! Sidebar?

Open your eyes! Can't you see Connie is bumping off the competition?

Luke, we open tomorrow.

I don't have time for your paranoia!

So, what are we talking about?

We're talking about how Dina Papadakis is going to be our new Josie!

Oh, congratulations, Dina!

I am so happy for you.

And you deserve everything that's coming to you.

Run!

Dina! Dina, wait!

Now what am I gonna do?

Unless I can find an actress who can learn that part in one day, my New York debut is ruined!

Lucky for you, I know the part forwards.

"Ben, you know you are the only one for me".

And backwards, "me for one the only you know you, Ben".

Part the got you, wow!

You're my new Josie!

Oh, my gosh! This is so exciting!

I've got to go scrape my tongue.

What is on her tongue?

And why does she have to scrape it off?

Ta-da!

My souffle! (Chuckles)

Prepare to taste a culinary feat.

If your dessert tastes like feet, you don't stand a chance.

(Bell dings)

My Queasy Bake Brownies are done!

Yay! They came out perfect!

(Snickers)

Okay, let's see what Mr. Kipling thinks.

Bertram: He'll choose mine.

Yes!

No!

Hey, you put crickets in your brownies?

That's cheating!

No, that's good butlering.

Mr. Kipling's eating, but you just got served.

You're mean.

Well, Josie, I should be getting back to the base.

But Ben, every time we say goodbye, it's like a..

(Mouthing) Grenade to the heart.

(Ravi howling)

The moon is full and I must feed!

I think I integrated that pretty well.

Stay away from that girl!

Mortal fool.

Only silver can k*ll a werewolf.

Oh, thanks for the tip.

Oh! Silverware!

The pain!

Ah!

(Groaning dramatically)

Zip it, fido! You're dead!

This is t*rture.

Oh, Ben, how can I ever thank you for saving me?

Ooh.. Up top!

This is where we're supposed to kiss!

Yeah, not gonna happen.

You were lucky I gave you a high-five.

Wait a minute, that's not in my script.

I am not leaving without a kiss.

That's not a good idea, Josie. (Coughs)

I think I'm coming down with something.

(Coughs)

I'll risk it, Ben!

Luckily, I have a very strong immune system.

Ah!

Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me now!

I'm starting to think maybe Connie was lying about the whole "being over Luke" thing.

(Grunts)

Now, you can kiss me, or you can kiss the cactus!

I pick the cactus!

Whoa!

(Screaming)

Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!

Bertram, wake up.

It's finally getting good.

Luke: Connie, no!

Oh, Jessie, help!

I told you Connie was still creepy!

You know, Ben..

I'm tired of being the one who always gets b*rned.

Does she know about the button?

(Luke screaming)

She knows about the button!

She knows about the button!

I'm going in!

Wait!

Here!

Is this flame retardant?

No, but it's super cute.

Are you okay.. Ben?

I am an oddly dressed MP, here to help.

I don't know what's worse, her writing or her acting.

This is more confusing than Inception.

What is the problem?

For starters, your outfit!

(Gasps)

That was snippy.

You have to learn to accept it if a guy is not interested in you.

Well, how do you know he's not interested?

All: He's not interested!

Nobody asked you!

Look, you need to find someone else.

But no one likes me.

Oh, gee, I wonder why.

Maybe it's because you're creepy, and you cook people!

Connie.. I mean, Josie..

Look, you are a beautiful, smart girl, okay?

Forget Ben!

Somewhere out there is a guy who's gonna appreciate you.

Or a wolf!

I thought you were dead.

Uh..

That silverware was not real silver.

Just cheap stainless steel.

The point is..

I find your fiery nature and lack of stability quite alluring.

You do?

Oh, what the heck?

Come here, wolfie!

Yes! I have me a woman!

(Bones cracking)

With the crushing strength of a Burmese python!

Everyone bow!

Emma, lower the curtain!

No! Not that rope!

(Screaming)

Yes, this UFO would've made a lot more sense if we had gotten to act three.

Hey, Bertram, wanna read my report on you and your job?

No. If I wanted to read mean things, I'd check the comments on that video you kids posted of me farting in my sleep.

"Beddytime Butler boom booms".

That one's classic.

Will you just read this?

(Sighs)

"For my job report, I followed around my Butler".

"He does lots of stuff around our home,"

"like introducing guests, cooking, and putting up with the 'mini monsters'".

"That's his pet name for us kids".

"He has tea parties with me, and always rearranges my dolls so they can mingle".

"But Bertram is not just our Butler,"

"he's my friend, and"..

"I love him".

"The end".

That is so beautiful! I love it!

(Sobbing)

I'm glad.

(Bones cracking)

Room. Becoming. Dark.

Oh! Sorry.

What are you guys looking at?

The review of your play on the school website.

They said it was my best performance since gingivitis.

What did they say about my writing and directing?

Huh!

I'm surprised they're allowed to use words like that on a school website.

Well, at least one good thing came out of it.

You realized the only Tony you're ever gonna get is our doorman?

No..

I mean Ravi and Connie made a love connection.

(Elevator dings)

She's choking him! I'm coming, Ravi!

Oh!

Jessie, compose yourself.

Connie was not trying to Garrote me like a thuggee assassin.

Yeah. I was just giving him a friendship necklace.

See the little heart says "property of Connie".

She wanted to brand me.

This was our compromise.

Ah, well I'm so glad my play brought you two crazy kids together.

Now, could somebody pop my shoulder back in to it's socket?

Ow!

My Connie has the face of an Angel, and the biceps of a longshoreman.