01x03 - Ken Helps Pat

[bunniefuu]

Are you kidding me with this rain?

I know you're not gonna believe this.

On my lengthy walk from the parking lot, I was accosted by a sea lion.

Are you sure it wasn't just a wet dog?

I haven't been this wet since I was pulled up onstage at that Luther Vandross concert.

What?

Somebody hit the fire alarm.

I was soaked by the sprinkler.

Yay, yay! Where my healers at?

How are you so dry?

Pat moved me to the indoor valet lot, so finally I can take full advantage of suede season.

Aw!

Forgot to leave my keys with the guy.

Hey, check this out...

Car's so close you can hear it from here.

[Car alarm chirps]

[Laughs]

Lock, unlock.

[Car alarm chirping]

Lock, unlock. [Chuckles]

Panic!

[Horn blaring]

Kidding.

All right, let's get to it.

Hey, Damona, have you had a chance to read the schedule?

Hey, Ken, have you had a chance to read the room?

Mm. Not getting anything.

We're all drenched, and you stroll in here bragging about your new valet spot and your fancy jacket, Mr. Suede.

Oh, this jacket's not Mr. Suede.

It's Dwayne's suede by Dwayne Wade for Sherman Oaks Coat Factory.

Pat: Good morning, everybody.

Oh, and, Ken, Happy suede season.

And to you, sir.

Whoop!

Whoop!

Ah!

[Both laugh]

Dwayne's suede?

No, Ace of Suedes.

Ah!

Anyhoo Good news, bad news...

Is something I wish I was able to say, but I only have bad news.

To increase productivity, you all have to work Saturdays.

What?!

That is unacceptable.

Saturdays are College Game Day!

It's the Jewish Sabbath!

Not you, Ken.

Senior doctors don't have to work Saturday.

You heard the man. Rules is rules, people.

Oh, hey.

I actually don't mind.

Sickness doesn't take Saturdays off, so why should we?

What I meant was...

[Groans] Why, Pat?! Why?!

I'm gonna take the rest of the day off to lounge on my yacht, the SS I have a yacht and you don't.

Whew!

That was close.

I almost lost my Saturdays. [Chuckles]

My big Natty "Sattys." [Chuckles]

What happened to you, little man?

What?

You used to be one of us.

When we first started here, we would hang out together and complain about people like Pat.

Now we complain about people like you.

Seriously, Clark, is that true?

Oh. [Stammers]

I don't participate in that at all.

Oh! So it wasn't you that came up with the nickname "Dr. Ken [Can] you believe how out of touch I've become"?

There's that dance that goes with it.

Guys, this is crazy. Come on!

I'm still the same Kenny from the block.

Excuse me, Mr. Ken.

You forgot to leave your keys with me.

I realized it when the car kept locking, unlocking, locking, unlocking, panic, no panic.

Thank you, Juan-Julio.

Of course, Mr. Ken.

I parked it just the way you like... across two spots.

Okay, all right, thank you.

With traffic cones blocking two additional spots.

Okay, all right. Very good.

I'll go ahead and get that glove compartment reupholstered!

Okay!

I mean, they see me as this out-of-touch jerk, but what am I supposed to do, apologize that I've worked hard and now I got a decent parking spot and they're working Saturdays?

[Sighs]

Let me ask you a question. Where do they park?

You know, by the... I mean, I know it's outside because there was a lot of squawking about the rain.

Where do you eat lunch?

At the executive bistro.

And where do they eat?

Well, they used to eat in the cafeteria, but now there's this whole vermin situation.

So now they eat in their cars.

So technically, I don't know where they eat, because I don't know where they park.

Oh, my God, I am an out-of-touch jerk.

This is a pretty solvable problem.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, so who do I hire to solve it?

Like, I-I got the money. I'm a doc... oh, wow.

I'm out of control. Help me.

Just go to bat for them. Talk to Pat.

See if you can get their Saturdays back.

Talking to Pat would mean doing the thing I hate doing the most... talking to Pat.

What up, my parents?

Oh, glad you guys are "A," off work before we get home from school, and "B," already drinking.

"A," we don't have to explain ourselves to you.

And "B," you're the reason we drink.

Right back at you.

Excuse me?

[Laughs] Solid burn.

Anyway, I thought you guys would want to know that Dave has a new nickname at school.

Dave.

No, Dave's just my regular name.

Say the nickname, like we practiced.

Klompers.

Klompers? What... what does that even mean?

I don't know.

Which kids are calling you Klompers?

I don't know.

Does it bother you?

I don't know.

Well, it bothers me.

You know, for 80 bucks, I can make it go away.

It's a simple four-point plan that involves positive messaging, social media, image consultation, and, if necessary, a big kid named Hugo who will hurt anyone for gummy worms.

No!

But here's exactly what you do.

You march up to whoever is calling you Klompers and tell them, "my name is Dave Park, and that is what I'd like to be called."

Okay.

Just an F.Y.I... the price goes up after today.

No!

[Sighs]

He's got to learn to stand up for himself.

I agree, Al. Your parenting game is on fleek.

He should absolutely not take that nickname.

Take the nickname, Dave.

Take the nickname? But you said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I say a lot of things in front of your mother I don't mean.

"I love it when we garden."

Or, "I would never remarry."

The point is, Klompers is not a bad nickname.

People are talking about you.

You're in the mix, sweetheart.

Okay, thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to give that speech anyway.

Son, talking to people about stuff sucks.

Even this was a little rough.

I did not enjoy it.

♪ Whoa, Dr. Ken you believe how out of touch I've become ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I have no regard ♪
♪ for the lower income ♪
♪ they walk through the rain ♪
♪ Walk through the rain ♪
♪ I make it rain ♪

Whaa!

All right, I deserved that.

Well, the idea of that, not the ham-fisted execution of it.

Look, I know you guys are upset.

But I had an idea that was my own and no one else's.

I'm gonna talk to Pat on your behalf.

You sure that wasn't Allison's idea?

Yeah, it feels like you needlessly got way out ahead of that by saying it was "no one else's idea."

It was my idea.

Look, do you want your Saturdays back or not?

Hell, yeah.

Oh, that's okay.

Yes, please!

I demand it!

It's a great idea, Boss. Thank you.

Don't thank me. Thank Allison.

Damn it!

Pat, we need to talk.

I know what you're gonna say, and before you do, let me tell you, I'm sorry, I'll give you anything you want, and... I love you.

Thanks. I love you... too?

What? Oh, no, sorry. I'm on with my wife.

What's up?

Look, I think it's a mistake to have the staff work Saturdays.

I hear you loud and clear. Let's just forget it.

Wow. That was easy.

Oh, no, still on with my wife.

No. Saturdays are happening.

Look, I get that it might increase profits, but those are my people out there. Hello?!

Okay, well, why don't you come out on my yacht tonight, and we'll talk it out over dinner?

No chance.

That's literally the last thing I'd ever want to do!

Excuse me?

Sorry... my wife.

Oh.

She wants to binge-watch "How to Get Away with m*rder" tonight, so... permission to come aboard?

Okay. Uh, 8:00?

I've got plans.

You just said Oh, your wife. Right. Yeah.

I'll send you the address, and see you in Hell.

[Chuckles] Wife?

No, I just thought it sounded cool.

Ooh! So, how did it go?

Good, great. Working on it.

Ken, will we know before Saturday?

If I don't cancel my mall-walking group, those bastards charge me.

And I was supposed to go to the WNBA draft.

Hey, I will not rest until I get this done for you guys.

Unless it bleeds into tomorrow...

Then I need to rest.

If I don't get eight or nine hours of sleep...

I mean, ten is really the sweet spot...

But the point is, I'm gonna do whatever it takes.

Oh, Ken.

Bring a windbreaker tonight.

It gets a little nippy out on the yacht.

Hey, guys, it's not like that.

You know what I think it's like?

That.

Hey, Allison.

[Door closes]

Take the nickname?

All right, but I'd love to hear it first.

I'm talking about the advice you gave our son.

Well, in my defense, Dave wasn't supposed to tell you I said that.

He didn't. He told me.

I told mom.

Why would you do that?

I'm trying to keep this a crisis...

Create demand for my nickname-eradication skills.

Okay.

No.

Ugh. Your loss.

If you need me, I'll be hanging with Klompers.

Look, I know you're peeved, vexed, cross even!

I never should have put that little book of old anger terms in the powder room.

I'm sorry I went behind your back, but there are way worse nicknames they could have given Dave...

Like Glue Boy, from the time he ate all that glue.

Or Staple Boy, from the time he ate all those staples.

Or Sandwich Boy, because he's afraid of sandwiches.

Besides, bae, he's in the conversation.

You know who that conversation is with?

His future therapist.

I have a patient who was nicknamed Julia Louis Doofus when she was a kid because when she got nervous, she mispronounced her own name.

Okay, that's on her. She choked in a social sitch.

Besides, Klompers is harmless.

I mean, the kids are probably all like, "yo, everyone."

"It's Klompers!"

Or they could be like, "no, everyone, it's Klompers."

Or it could be, "guess who's here?"

"It's Klompers!"

"And he brought cider?!"

Why is he bringing cider?

I don't know. It's a harvest festival and everyone's happy to see him?

Look, bae, you're super smart, but sometimes you're a little over-thinky.

Trust me. This is so not a big deal.

Yeah, you may be right.

I guess I should let this one go.

[Chuckles] There it is. Now give me some sugar.

Hey, Julia Louis Doofus was you, wasn't it?

[Groans] I used to get nervous!

Hey, Pat, it's Ken.

So I'm looking for your boat, but the old GPS here has me a good 30 miles from the nearest body of water.

Pat: Is that you in the gray car?

Oh, you're here!

On your left.

Ahoy!

Oh, and that lamp, believe it or not, is from the turn of the century.

The lava lamp?

Yeah, I bought that in 1999.

All right, just under the buzzer, yeah.

This is great, man.

This is way more "not in the water" than I expected.

Anyway, about this Saturday thing...

Ken, my wife says she no longer loves me.

Wow. Segue be damned.

Yeah. Yeah, my little flower says she wants a divorce.

She's insisting I no longer sleep in our marital bed.

[Chuckling] Which, funny story, is located in our marital home, which [Chuckling] funny story, is located just up that driveway.

Anyway, about this Saturday thing...

Why are you so concerned about that?

I mean, it only affects the lowers.

Not you and me.

No, we're just two rich guys on a yacht.

Again, I got to throw a flag on "yacht."

And, you know what, those people you call "lowers,"

I call them "friends with less money," which isn't great, but it sells what I'm getting at.

And I'm here to stand up for them.

All right, well, we're gonna have to circle back to that.

Ken, I asked you here because I need medical attention.

Why, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing yet.

But in a moment, I'm gonna take this nail g*n and fire a 2-inch framing nail... into my pinkie toe.

Oh!

Crudité?

Look, I've been to some weird parties...

Todd Lieberman’s adult circumcision luau comes to mind...

But this is by far the weirdest.

Look, Ken...

See, over the course of my at times turbulent marriage, Tiffany's come to view me as cold and unsympathetic.

No!

You?

It may sound crazy, but I know when I pump this little piggy full of hot metal...

She'll know that you're completely bananas?

No, quite the opposite.

No, whenever I was sick or injured, Tiff would always shower me with love and attention.

Ah, our marriage was never stronger than when I shattered my coccyx breakdancing.

Anyway, I think I've got everything you're gonna need to treat me.

I've got gauze and I've got sutures.

Oh, and I even got the crème brûlee torch out of our kitchen in case you have to cauterize the wound.

So, what do you say, Ken?

No! What... no! What is wrong with you?

I'm not gonna do this! I'm a doctor!

Do you honestly think sh**ting your own toe with a nail is gonna help win your wife back?

Well, of course not.

I was gonna tell her I was att*cked by a drifter with a milky eye.

Or better... I'll say you did it!

No one would believe that. Oh, really?

Well, it would be your word against mine...

A respected business and yachtsman.

You're neither of those things!

Confronted by a hot-tempered doctor who just found out he has to work on Saturdays.

Oh, okay. So this is how it is?

Yeah. So, what's it gonna be, Ken?

Can I use the bathroom?

Oh, of course. Yes. It's right in here.

Do you mind?

Oh! Yeah.

[Phone rings]

Hi, Ken.

Allison, I need...

Hold on.

The girl on "How to Get Away with m*rder" is about to possibly get away with m*rder.

Okay, she did. What's up?

Pat's gonna sh**t a nail through his toe to try to win his wife back!

What? That's crazy.

I know it's crazy. What do I do?

Okay, the most important thing is to not leave him alone.

[Nail g*n fires]

Hey!

I was practicing on these baby carrots.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, listen, Pat, I don't like you.

And?

And I don't think I'm ever gonna like you.

But?

But that's okay with me.

Because?

Because you're unlikable.

However, I can't let you do this.

If you want to reboot your relationship, it has to be on a foundation of honesty, not injuring yourself in a pathetic attempt to gain pity.

You're better than that.

Not by a lot...

But you are.

[Sighs]

I guess you're right, Ken.

[Sighs]

But I love her so much, it just makes me want to do crazy things, you know?

I think I do.

But I appreciate your wisdom, and it won't soon be forgotten.

Thanks.

Okay, so now that Governor Ken has given your little toe a pardon, where are we on the whole Saturday of it all?

Oh, Ken-padre, please.

Working Saturdays is not gonna happen.

Oh, thank God.

Everyone's gonna be so relieved and happy.

Oh, no.

Saturdays are very much happening for the great unwashed.

Sorry. Friends with less money.

You leaving the yacht?

Not a yacht!

So, in film class, we each got assigned a different Scarlett Johansson movie, and Madison wanted to trade with me, but I said no.

It's like, I got "Lost in Translation" and she got "Her"... period.

Mom, are you even listening?

Yeah, yeah. Madison got her period.

See ya, Klompers!

Bye!

Hey, Klompers, your shoe's unvelcro'd!

Okay.

Hi, Mom.

That was not friendly. That was taunting.

Excuse me, boys.

Dave might be okay with being called Klompers, but I'll tell you who's not.

Is it you?

I feel like it's you.

It is me Dave's mother.

And from now on, you will call him Dave, and you will call me Mrs. Pork. Got it?

[Both laugh]

Why is that funny?

You said "pork" instead of "park".

Oh, God, it's happening again.

I meant "park", okay?

Mrs. Park.

Sure thing, Mrs. Pork.

Bye, Mrs. Pork.

Could've just thrown money at it.

[Gasps]

The mall walkers are having an après-walk pretzel at Wetzel's!

[Inhales sharply] Like.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be out enjoying your Natty Satty.

I couldn't stand the thought of my friends working while I wasn't, so...

You are... you know, just when I... I can't even...

Okay, bring it in, my healers.

Oh.

[Chuckling] Okay.

[Straining] And... release.

[Sighs]

You know what, before I knew you were supporting us like this, I took your computer mouse and I...

I'm-a just get you a new one.

Cool.

Starting Monday, I've arranged for all of you to park in the valet lot.

Are you serious?

Shut up.

And I brought bagels.

[Gasps]

What?!

Where are they?

Well, it's in my car.

I'm gonna go get it right now.

Oh, Mr. Ken, I brought the Jewish donuts you asked for.

Ken: Okay.

Sorry I was late. It was a long line.

Okay, okay, thank you, Juan-Julio.

What? So, I guess I'm a tiny bit out of touch.

♪ Oh, Dr. Ken you believe how out of touch I've become ♪
♪ I have no regard for the lower income ♪
♪ Dr. Ken you believe how out of touch I've become ♪

It's a good song.

A good song.

Dave, sandwich?

Ah!

Sorry.

What up, master P’s?

Bad news: Another family member has acquired a nickname.

Dave?

No, I already had a nickname Klompers, remember?

[Groans] Why do I even throw to you?

Mom, they're still calling you Mrs. Pork.

It stuck. [Giggles]

But they're calling me Dave again, so that's on the up and up.

So, "Mrs. Pork", huh?

Does that make you cross? Peeved?

Mad as a wet hen?

No.

I think we've all learned that nicknames are stupid, so let's just all grow up and move on, okay?

Make it go away.

Unfortunately, the price has now skyrocketed to...

I've got $40.

Deal.