01x09 - Dark Retreat

Why are you trying so hard to make it seem like I committed a crime?


Make sure he understands, he could get jail time.

Does your mom know you're here?

You introduced me to your whole family last night. That's gotta mean something. Doesn't it?

Relationships take work, which is why we want you to make an effort with us.


I need to know if you can hear me.

Can't breathe.

Did you know she's been having panic attacks?

I loved him.

I don't care.

You should care. He was your father.

But if Dylan has no case, why is he suing me?

Dude, you can win this!


Why do you have two phones?

I don't.

Matthew, please.

I feel like something's been going on.

I just wanted to let you know how serious I am about finding a better way to have my son in my life.

I can't come clean to my family.

I want to say I'm surprised.

It's completely unfair, but you have to grow up.

I'm looking for David. He's my father.

And you want to write about this every week?

"So I've come to the decision that my death will not inspire you. The only thing you'll find here is one woman, performing the utterly unremarkable act of living to the end of her life."

I've been getting flowers, emails, even a few letters since I wrote that.

"Utterly unremarkable act"? Makes you feel better, framing it like that?

Lighter, maybe.

Less alone.


I'm surprised you can't see it.

You saying your death has no meaning is just another way of giving in to the fear.

And now you're offering that fear to other people, like it's some sort of a gift.

When we first met, you asked me if I wanted to die happy.

You never answered my question.

Yeah, because I don't wanna die.

We're all dying, Natalie.

Except you're lucky enough to know when!

And you writing that your death is meaningless, and then wedging that idea into the Lifestyle section of a newspaper...

How is that using this opportunity?



You might want to give dying a try before you consider yourself an expert on the subject.

Don't waste this.



So how long have you been back?

I was going to text you.

You've been avoiding us. Nice.

Well, too bad. You don't get to do this the coward's way.

It needs to be face-to-face.

What'd you do?

Uh... trespassing.

What about you?

Jacked a couple cars.

Don't make me go!

Cam, come on.

I don't want to listen to how lonely she is.

I sit there in the kitchen while she pounds back wine and bitches about her life.


So why are you telling me this right now?

When, obviously, I can't do anything about it?

Because you could talk to her.

That'll just start something and you know that.

So I'm supposed to deal with it myself?


You're older now.

She feels that she can talk to you, so it's up to you to be honest with her if you're uncomfortable.

Last time, she poured me wine too.

How do you want me dealing with that?



Natalie, this is my daughter, Camille.

Hi, Camille.

Natalie's a... a parent from school.

Just stopping by.

Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt.

That's OK.

Well, I'll call you later.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. Of course.

It was good to meet you. You too.

Nice to meet you. I mean, nice to see you.

Ha ha. Bye.


Holy mother of awkward.



Fine, she's a friend, OK?

Mom just pulled up, which means she probably saw your friend leave. So thanks for that.

Text if you need me.

I love you!


I'm so sorry.

I thought she was at her mother's and... ugh, I know we weren't supposed to meet like that.

It's OK. It's nice to see you.

I didn't mean to complicate things.

Well, I'd ask how you're doing, but I read your column.

I've been hard to reach.

Yeah, it's been a crazy week.

So what's up?

Actually... there's something I was hoping we could do together, tonight.



Where my girls at?

Did you cook?

'Cause I thought maybe we could go out for dinner tonight?


No, I didn't cook.

Hey. Where's Abby?



She'll be back any minute, and I'd like you to be gone by then.

Like, gone?

It's enough for one night.

'K. What's going on?

I've been waiting for you to tell me.


Tell you... what?

About Ottawa.

About why you've been going there and lying to me about it. About the cellphone I found that really wasn't for Emma's birthday, but you said it was, completely humiliating me in front of your sister.

This, um...

It isn't what you think it is. OK?

So you admit you've been lying.

Because if you think I'll accept anything less... well, I guess I know how little you respect me.

Just... can I explain?

Get out, before Abby comes home.

Tomorrow, we'll decide what to do.

It's just for one night. I'll be back tomorrow.

A retreat.

You're OK to look after the girls?

Actually, I have plans tonight.

Oh... OK.

Something important?

Sort of.

I was looking forward to going out.

But you'll sleep here tonight.

You're doing this thing alone?

So what's the plan here?


I'm still trying to decide if it was a bad idea or not.

Have fun tonight.

Thanks. You too.

I'm sorry that I let this go on as long as I did.

I just... I don't want to be in a committed relationship with you and your boyfriend.


Well, I've been thinking, and, uh...

I don't want to either. You're breaking up with me.

Or... we could break up with him.

I really like you, Maggie.

I like you too.

I just, I don't want to be in any kind of relationship right now.

I kinda hoped you'd grow out of that.

Well, you made me try, which is more than most people can say.

You're just scared.

Actually, it takes more guts than you'd think, being OK on your own.

I don't need another person to come along and define me.

What do you mean "watch her"?

Nothing! Just, you know... make sure she's OK.

It's not like she listens to anything I say.

Oh, Emma, please. Caleb's going out and I don't want her feeling abandoned.


Thank you.

Could you pass me that vase?

So I hope my column hasn't made things weird for you at school.

Mom, my friends don't read the newspaper.

Your friends don't read at all.

Says the one who doesn't have any.


Mom... Mn.


I'll be back tomorrow afternoon and call Uncle Matthew if you need anything at all.

He knows I'm gone. OK, have fun.

Hey, old man.

Keep me company on my walk?

After I get this running.

Someone's pouring money into this?

Yeah. We are.

It's Caleb's turn. Gerald!

What? We do this for all of them.

Yeah, well, is now the time to give Caleb a car?

Yeah. I think he needs something of his own.

Besides, taking care of an old car is a valuable lesson.

One our kids never learned.

Well, I'm doing it anyway.


Hey, whose car is this?

You're just asking now?

It's my brother's.

Clearly, we chose different career paths.

Yours is nobler.



What's your favourite... classic movie?

Uh... The Big Sleep.


Ah, it's in the title, dude.

That's an amazing...

What's your favourite?


Jaws is your favourite classic movie?

Yeah. What?

Oh, my God. I'm dropping you off right now.

What's your favourite 80s band?

Oh, easy. Bon Jovi!

Oh, come on!

The only serious answer to that question is The Smiths, obviously.

Oh, kill me now.


OK, clearly we are not at all compatible.


Hey! Focus on the road, dork.

Ease up, Salinger.

Eventually, you're gonna have to show someone.

Yeah, well, if people know stuff, they think they get to have an opinion.

Did you see this?

She would.

You have to stay here and protect me.

Can't. I'm playing Risk with my dad.


Have fun, though.

Oh, um...

Don't look anyone directly in the eyes.

How many of your tragic posse are we expecting tonight?

Jayden wanted to see a couple of friends and I'm stuck here with you, so...

Caleb's gonna lose it.

He won't be here.

Don't expect me to talk to anyone.


So our room isn't ready.

Do you want to have a drink?

Ah, yeah, there's something I may have failed to mention.

No! This place is dry?

Bone. But on the bright side, there is an endless supply of wheatgrass right in there.


You can give your daughter my number, if it... works.

Why do I think there's something else you haven't told me about this so-called "retreat"?


OK what?

We don't have to do it, if you don't want to.

Oh, what is it? Tell me.

Here's the brochure.

"Darkness immersion"?

What have I gotten myself into, here?

It's suddenly dawning on me that you brought me up here to kill me You realize that, right?

Ah... maybe I did.

They didn't have ginger beef, so I grabbed an extra Kung Pao.

Did you have enough money?

"Duck tongue"?


The owner talked me into it. Says it's really good.

As long as you don't think too much about it.

So who's your English teacher?


You have Willis, right?

OK, you don't have to remind me. It's already bad enough that I have to go.

Where can I put these?

Fridge is that way.


Who are they?

Greyston's buddies.

And did Greyston invite any more?

This is it. I swear.

"Left you a voice-mail. Found this phone and the only call on it is from your number. Trying to return it to its owner."

♪ In times like this ♪
♪ I wanna be a believer ♪
♪ In times like this ♪
♪ I wanna be a believer ♪
♪ In times like this ♪
♪ I wanna be a believer ♪
♪ In times like this ♪
♪ I wanna be a believer ♪
♪ Am I hardly existing? ♪

There's nowhere to hide.

♪ At times like this I wanna be a believer ♪

Oh, great. Now I think something's nesting in my ear.


This safe and gentle wormwood tea will stimulate your central nervous system and enhance your experience.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'd kill for a bag of chips right now.

Again, I am very sorry about dinner.

Yes, I should have known it was going to be vegan.

Let me know if anyone's on medication.

It's not likely, but there could be a mild interaction.

It's tea. What could go wrong?

You still worried about Camille?

Well, I keep picturing her getting drunk with her mom, if that's what you mean.

Hey, at least somebody's getting booze.


Maybe you could embrace it as out of your control and trust that she's gonna do the right thing.

Could you? With yours?

I'm trying.

What choice do I have?

I drove out yesterday. It's a good space, I like it, but I could just tell that the building was filled with actors.

I got nothing against actors, but I just don't really want to live with a bunch of people who pretend to be other people for a living.


Whiskey Smash.

Apparently it's a thing now. You're gonna love it.

Excuse me.

Friends! Romans! Countrymen!

Sounds loud there.

Yeah, I'm throwing an "I'm being evicted by an asshole" party.

Is something wrong?

No, actually, everything's great.

Maybe you should just stay in LA.

I thought you wanted me home.

Yeah, well, I decided the less supervision we have, the better.

Is the family there?

Something like that.

Are you drinking beer?!

Obviously not.

Say hi to your friends for me.

You're in my room.

This is yours, then.

Do you even know anyone here?

Not really.

How old are you?

It's not half-bad, you know.

It's kind of like Daniel Clowes and Brian K. Vaughan had a lovechild and let Harvey Pekar raise it.


I mean, it's a little naïve, but...

It all hinges on the ending.

See? If your main girl reconnects her head, then fine. I mean, you've got closure.

But the larger question is, do you want her choosing to be normal?

♪ Can't help myself Now I just can't help myself ♪
♪ And I'm wasting away ♪
♪ When you're so far away ♪
♪ But it's true ♪
♪ Isn't it true? ♪



I don't think you've ever been to my place before.

Yeah, uh...

I'm not trying to be rude; I was kind of hoping I could speak with Oliver.

Since when do you and Oliver have anything to talk about?

He's my brother, OK? Is he here or not?

No, no. He's back in LA.

Oh, OK. Um...

Is that luggage?


Do you want to come in?


Yeah, maybe for a bit.

To fully immerse yourself in the stillness, allow your thoughts to become weightless.

Let the breeze and the sounds of the earth... draw you further into the blackness.

Feel each breath flowing through you.

And as you relax into the darkness, let yourself go.

They waited for you all morning.

Look, Nat, I am sorry.

Jesse was awake all night and Kate's exhausted from being up with him.

Yeah? I know the feeling.

Do you have any idea how tough this is on them? Coming in second place all the time?

They're not in second place.

Yeah? That's how they feel.

I know, which is why I... Listen, Natalie.

I got offered a job.

At a school in Buenos Aires.

And you want to take it.

Well if, you know, I did, maybe they wouldn't feel like they were in competition all the time.

Your solution to this problem is to see them less?

No, that's not what I'm saying. That's not my solution.

I'm just saying, maybe if I did do that, maybe things would just, I don't know, maybe less complicated.

For who?

I'd only be teaching one term a year.

The rest of the time I'm doing research.

I can be anywhere for that.

I guess...

I'm alone with this, whether you're here or not.


I opened my eyes and you were gone. What's wrong?



You have one message.

Hey, it's Nat.

Just a reminder... you promised a casual drive-by tonight, to make sure my house is still standing and the kids haven't killed each other. Your needy sister thanks you.

Sure, we'll stop by. Is everything OK?

Fine, except Matthew's on call and Abby's got some kind of bug.

Can't seem to get her to sleep.

Is she running a fever?

Yeah, a little one, poor thing.

Aw. Well, we'll head over.

Give her a kiss for me.

I will. Bye.


♪ And I took ♪
♪ One good look ♪
♪ At myself ♪
♪ As the mirror suggested ♪
♪ That I don't have a clue ♪
♪ But this unfamiliar face ♪
♪ I'm staring at a blank set of eyes again ♪
♪ Maybe once in a while ♪
♪ You should take a deeper look and see ♪
♪ And you barely know ♪
♪ So you take the time ♪
♪ It needs ♪
♪ Just to focus on it ♪

So how's work?

Oh, it's good. You?

Good, yeah. No complaints.


If you want to talk about it, we can.

No, nothing to talk about. All marriages have their ups and downs.

Yeah, yeah. If you say so.

I do.

Maybe we should... watch TV?

I don't actually own a television.

Well, of course you don't. Why would you?

OK, so this is actually a crazy story.

This phone just randomly winds up in my purse, and obviously I want to return it to whoever, but it's locked and the only number that's called it is some woman from Ottawa.

So of course, I decide to stalk her online and it turns out she works in government and her name is...




♪ Let me go home ♪
♪ Cancel all of my reservations ♪

sh1t, sorry.

♪ I don't need them anymore ♪
♪ Give them to a charity organization ♪
♪ Give me back the body ♪
♪ That I had before ♪
♪ Let me go home ♪
♪ Let me go home ♪
♪ Let me go home ♪
♪ Let me go home ♪

Do you remember how long Nic and I tried to get pregnant?

And with the fertility drugs...

Completely messed up her mood. She was up and down for months.

And the ordeal with Abby.

Barely qualifying, waiting in Guangzhou for weeks, not even knowing if that was going to happen.

And that was all... so hard. I mean, for both of us.

I'm not saying that to excuse what I did.

I'm just saying that's the way it was.

But Matthew, I mean, where... where did you meet this woman?

Well, she used to wait tables at a bistro near our old place while she was finishing up her MA, and... sometimes I'd go in there alone, eat at the bar.

She'd hang out, we'd talk, and...

I don't know; it just happened.


Well, more than once, but...

Then it didn't "just happen."

Well, I ended it.

OK? Just a few weeks later.

After knocking her up.

I had no idea.

OK? She called me six months into her pregnancy to say that she's keeping the baby. She wants nothing from me.

She chose to do it alone?

She was in her mid-30s, she wasn't married, she wanted a kid.

So... so...

Now we have a 6-year-old boy.

His name is Julian and... he's beautiful.

And you kept in touch with her.

'Cause I'm trying to do the right thing.

'Cause I want to be there for my son, without hurting Nicole and Abby, and not messing up Natalie's plans for her kids. And...

If you want to do the right thing, Matthew, you need to tell your wife the truth.

No, no, no.

After what we went through? No. She'd never forgive me.

You're digging yourself deeper here.

I made one mistake. I made...

No, actually, you made several mistakes, compounded by years of lies.

I thought you, of all people, maybe would be more sympathetic to... what...

Why would you think that?

Because you... you know, you...

No. Why is everyone in this family so preoccupied with how much s*x they think I'm having?

It's my problem. Forget it.

OK. Well, you know what?

I may not be celibate, but at least I'm not a liar.

You don't know, because you have no one depending on you.

By choice. OK? And my choices are not failings of character. But yours are.


Hey. So you know when the people that you know are still the same and you still like them and everything, but all of a sudden they kind of feel like strangers?

Uh... no. Not really.


Am I interrupting something?

Sort of.

Some random dude?

Sort of.

How are you?

I'm very good.

And the estate lawyer we hired before I left?

He's still working out?

Yeah, very much so.

He still thinks you have a case?

Yeah, he's very confident in our position. Listen, Mags.

I got a peculiar call from our niece.

About what?

I don't know, but she said something about being unsupervised and she was in the bathroom drinking a beer.

She's only 13 years old and even for a Lawson, that's pretty young.

What do you know about Nat going away?

Right, I promised her I'd look in on the kids. Why?


Em, it's me.

Go away.

♪ Wanna go, but I won't go ♪
♪ Until you tell me what I know ♪
♪ Wanna stay ♪



Dear everybody.

This party is over. Please leave.

Love, your irritated hostess.

Did she say we have to leave?

Problem is, if I don't keep my grades up then I won't be able to transfer programs. With these community service hours I already missed an assignment.

Have you spoken to your advisor?

No, he didn't have office hours this week.

I don't know what to do.

Turn off the bathroom light.



sh1t. She said four or five friends!

Thanks for coming. Please don't come back.

You good?


Yeah, you're good.


And... I'm out.

Andrew, what are we doing?

I don't know.

I just want to spend as much time as I can with you.

The person I wish I was feels the same.

And the person you are?

Feels she needs to get home to her kids.

You can't save me, you know.

I was never trying to.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Jayden said it would only be a couple of friends, and then they brought friends of friends.

Someone say something, please?

We have to deal with this mess before your mother gets home.

And that time will be better spent cleaning instead of talking. So let's go.

Let's go! Come on, come on.

Bathroom. Living room. OK? Come on.

Wanna trade off?

Trust me, you don't want this job.

Random bodily fluids.

It's just another day at the office for me. C'mere.

It's like they intentionally ground this crud in.

Remember when you lit our kitchen on fire?

Yeah, we weren't supposed to use the gas burners.

The rules never really did seem to fit you.

Sorry about that.

Don't be.

Shouldn't this be the other way around?

If I bend down, I'll hurl.

Did your boyfriend tell you I kicked him in the junk?

He's not my boyfriend anymore.


At least now I can quit triathlon.

Hey, hey!


Welcome home.

What's going on here?

Um, well...


What, we can't have a nice Saturday morning brunch?

You hungry?

I'm famished.


Sit down there.

So how was your night?

It was fine.

How was all of yours?

Great. Good.

Pancake. Pancake.

I had so much fun.

Yes, please. Two. Oh, yes.

Whose are they?


How great is this sausage?

Oh, no. Are they his? Are they Matthew's?

I didn't make them, I bought them.

Yes, yes it is.

Less good than the pancakes.

Oh, well, excuse me.

No offense, no offense, no offense.

All up!

I ran into you...

- Is it over?


Do you love her?


Do you want to stay in our marriage?


Do you still... love me?

More than anything.

I need you to understand that...

If it was only this one woman, and you mean it when you say it's over... then I'm, I'm prepared to try and move beyond it.

But I don't want any of the details.

Look, I can explain.

No, I don't want you to.

OK, but...


You don't get to ease your guilt by unloading it onto me.

You did what you did and now you have to live with it.

Just you.

Set the alarm for noon?

Let's just get up when we get up.

Yeah, like, in a way it felt good to really be fighting this lawsuit. You know?

To have people on my side and saying, like, "Yes, we agree with you." This is... this is... this is a case. You know that the money was meant for me.

But I don't know. I'm thinking about refusing it.

The money Tom left you?


Even though Tom meant for you to have it, and it sounds like it's legally yours?

Maybe I don't want it.

OK. Why not?

'Cause it represents something I'm leaving behind.

Are you sure about this?

Not at all.

But what matters is that I'm finally at peace with what Tom and I had.

Don't you need the money?

Don't talk down to me, Catherine.

I'm capable of making a living.


Are you painting?

Actually, yes.

For the first time in a long time.

And I feel like what's behind me is behind me.

And what's left is all in front.

Oliver, you need to think about this, before making a decision.

I'm worried you could be hypomanic again.

I'm not, not this time. You don't understand. I feel good.

I feel like myself for the first time in forever.


Emma? You up there?

Have you seen the kettle?



Yeah, of course she did.

This is Natalie.

Natalie. It's Norah Basra.

How are you feeling?

Oh! Um, fine, Norah.

I didn't expect to hear from you for a couple weeks.

I know. I'm calling with news.

OK... What's up?

A local research team reached out to me.

They're studying the effects of a drug that's been shown to be effective in slowing and in some cases stopping the progression of certain cancers.

They're actively looking for phase III trial candidates and they believe your workup fits their profile.

Yeah? Did you call me?


Are you on the phone?



Hi, Norah, I'm sorry. Can I call you back about this?

Of course.



On the season finale of This Life.

Look, they're my kids, too.

I'm not going to sign anything.

You're breaking my heart.

I'm a candidate for a drug trial but it is experimental.


Oh, my god. Mom?