01x04 - You Had an Option, Sir

[bunniefuu]

Daniel: I just feel like I've tragically misrepresented myself.

This is not indicative of my... mea maxima, maxima culpa, that's the highest level of culpa.

Won't you please, please forgive me?

Let me catch you up.

Firstly, I agreed to help out the Quimby campaign, wrote a policy paper which he then botched, and for which I then caught hell.

Oh well.

Then, I completely forgot about my date with Lindsay, the one person in this whole thing who makes me glad I'm in this whole thing.

I've got work to do.

♪ As captain of this band of merry sailors, ♪
♪ I'm a black mark, I'm a failure, ♪
♪ but before you watch me drown, ♪
♪ I'm relinquishing command ♪
♪ for something I don't understand ♪
♪ this man's about to turn his whole life upside down. ♪
♪ I'll settle here on a new shore ♪
♪ (New shore) ♪
♪ My lips were blue and my legs were sore ♪
♪ I forget if I was pushed or I jumped overboard. ♪
♪ And after all this time, what's the difference. ♪

It's really important to stretch after a workout.

I read that once.

Oh, okay. Whoa...

Your hip flexors are really tight.

Thank you. That's good, right?

No?

No.

Okay.

I'm gonna press down some more.

Okay.

Feel that?

Yeah.

You mean, the incredible charge of electricity between us right now? Because I feel that.

How about now?

Yeah, it's just great.

Yeah. Now?

It's greater still.

You forgive, yet, for standing you up?

Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

Oh yeah? Yeah?

How about now?

(Loud cr*ck) Oh God! Yup, yup, I feel that.

Feeling it! Feeling it!

Quimby: Not good enough!

If you think I'm going into the debates with this crap, you've got another thing coming!

We'll do them again.

You'd better believe it and this time do it right.

Stanton: I hear you.

And get me some good, g*dd*mn zingers!

I want at least three.

Three zingers. We'll get Morrison on it.

He's good with the zippy zippy.

No, no, not that hack.

You get that kid back, what's his name, uh, Adelton. No, whoa, Addington.

Get him.

Oh no, are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, this is just, never better, honestly, I'm fine.

Let me ask you something though.

Suppose you had some information on a guy which if leaked to the press could kind of ruin him, even if he was a low-life rat fink who used to make your every waking, and sometimes sleeping hour a living hell, and goes by the nom de guerre, Stanton, would you do it?

Would he do it to you if the roles were reversed?

Pfft, no question.

Then I definitely wouldn't do it.

Huh?

Confused.

Well, you don't want to lower yourself to his level.

Do you?

(Phone ringing)

Grrr.

Addison.

Daniel, hi, it's Rachel.

Hey, just a second.

I need to take this.

Of course.

So, all is forgiven then? For realsies?

(Chuckles) Of course, Daniel, but I am free tonight if you want to make it up to me?

Yeah.

I'll pick you up at seven.

Rachel, what can't I do for you?

Who was that?

Friend of a colleague of an acquaintance.

What's up?

(Sighs) Daniel, we really need you.

The debates are coming up and...

Daniel: No, wait, what?

Uh, I still have bruises over the b*ating I took from the green rollout.

Oh, Stanton didn't mean...

(Snaps fingers)

Danny boy, Stanton here.

Listen, guy, you know those unkind cuts weren't aimed at you. Ha.

I was just lashing out, blowing off some steam and you just happened to be standing there.

The truth is, we need you, your voice, your words, your brilliance.

And when I say we, I include dear leader, the mighty Q, Quimby, himself.

That's right, he asked for you by name, and he even got it right this time.

So why don't you kick those hard feelings to the curb and come on by. How's uh, three?

Can't do three.

Three fifteen?

I can do five.

Can you three thirty?

Daniel: I can do five.

Five it is.

And I leave at six.

(Sighs) Not a problem.

Schmuck.

I heard that.

That's very generous of you, Mrs. Landry.

Is this Mrs. Stone I'm speaking to?

Hello Mrs. Stone.

Okay, Dorothy, how are ya?

God bless you too. Yeah.

Five more dollars!

Colour in the poster, Marjorie.

Oh, hello Daniel, what have you got there?

Oh say, nice work, now you're getting into the spirit of things.

No, no, I found these on the way in.

Uh, Muriel what, what is all this?

Oh, have you not seen this?

Those two wonderful people did this, on campus, on their own, and it's a hit.

A hit! A palpable hit!

Edna: We just reached fifty thousand views.

Muriel: (Excited) Oh!

What, fifty thousand?

Yes, and people are donating five dollars at a time, every time they watch it.

We're starting to build ourselves a w*r chest.

How much of a w*r chest?

(Music is turned up)

Raise a little hell raise a little hell

♪ raise a little hell ♪

Muriel, a word?

Oh certainly.

♪ Raise a little hell raise a little hell ♪
♪ raise a little hell ♪
♪ raise a little hell raise a little hell ♪
♪ raise a little hell ♪

Daniel: Listen, Muriel, I know that everyone is excited about the campaign.

Muriel: Oh, very excited.

It has been such a boost to morale around here.

Daniel: Yes, that's nice, but...

Muriel: And oh, and listen, the social media stuff, listen, if I'd had that when I was campaigning, who knows what might have happened!

Oh well, the past is the past, and Angus is the future.

He's a real find.

You know that, and I know that, now the public has to know it.

Yes, well... that's how I came up with the idea of a meet the candidate barbecue.

Meet the candidate barbecue.

We could have it here, or we could have it at Angus' house which is always a nice idea.

Muriel, Muriel?

You remember when I said, we were running a stealth campaign?

Of course I do, I haven't lost my mind.

Good! Good.

Then you'll know that Angus would never agree to a public appearance.

He already has.

He...

Mmm-mm.

When I went to see him, I talked him out of this no campaigning nonsense.

And he agreed with you?

Oh fully, as the kids say.

No, he just said show me when, and where to turn up, and I'll be there.

Yeah.

Oh, isn't it a beautiful day.

Daniel?

(Tires screech to a halt)

(Car door slamming) Angus!

Angus!

Angus!

Angus, what is God's name is the matter with you?

A meet the candidates barbecue?

Why the hell would you agree to that?

I haven't agreed to anything, laddie.

Daniel: Well, explain that to Muriel because she thinks you're getting ready to kiss hands and shake babies.

I could'na bear to tell her otherwise.

What would have had me say?

Ah. Say? Ha ha!

I don't know, exactly what you say to me, that you'll "nay do a nick of campaigning."

Angus: (Laughs) Is that supposed to be me, laddie?

I don't know, I don't know because I don't know who you are!

Are you the guy who won't do any campaigning, or are you the guy who gives interviews to the campus newspaper and agrees to attend a meet the candidates barbecue?

I can't help it if I'm caught in the occasional moment of weakness.

Your moments of weakness are a pain in the ass, Angus.

So get out of the water.

We have to start getting you ready to meet your adoring public.

Oh, I have no intention of meeting anyone.

You're my campaign manager, you'll come up with an excuse.

But first, aren't ya forgetting your end of the deal?

I believe you're late for class. (Laughs)

Oh.

♪ Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ♪
♪ raise a little hell. ♪

(Door slamming)

♪ If you don't like what you see, ♪
♪ why don't you fight it? ♪

(Music ends)

Good morning. Shall we begin?

(Bell rings)

Okay, that is all for today.

Have a good week.

Please don't forget your assignments, five hundred words for next week, and for the last time, periods and commas do not count as words.

Pete one, Pete two, can I talk to you guys for a second?

(Sighs)

Fellas, it's gotta come down.

What does?

You know, the thing with the song on the web that you did?

Wait, what?

Come down?

Pete 2: People love it.

People are fully donating because of it.

Trooper is considering going on tour because of it.

And that's the problem.

They're not that bad!

Not the tour, the rights to the song, which we didn't obtain.

It seems that somebody alerted Trooper's management about the video and they're letting us keep it up until noon at which point they want to know if we intend on paying for the rights.

How much is that gonna be?

Ooh, fifty thousand shiny ones.

Which is forty-nine thousand, two hundred fifty more than you made from it.

Ah guys, I'm sorry, it was a really good idea.

Maybe you could get the students engaged in some other way?

Except um, not this, right?

(Knocking)

Five o'clock, on the button.

Yup, and I'll be leaving at six on the next button.

No Stanton?

Rachel: He's with Quimby at the French debate.

Oh, that's tonight? Slipped my mind.

Rachel: Just you and me.

Research?

No, that's a course binder for my grammar class, never leaves my sight.

Dedicated, that's you.

Shall we start with the opening and closing remarks, or go right to the zingers?

I'm all yours. For an hour.

Then we better get started.

Okay.

(Sighs)

Vous serez grand, frappez le o'er the parc, huh?

No idea what you just said.

Stick to the cards. Yeah.

Yeah.

Daniel: Okay, okay, so what do we have?

We have a blinking cursor.

Ah.

Just as well, debate is about to start.

Want to watch it with me?

(Opening music)

I can stay for five minutes.

Uh, non madame, je ne suis pas du tout d'accord.

Notre politique environnementale est très progressive.

Ah, oui, oui, très progressiste.

Pensez donc, il ne sait pas ce que c'est.

Well, played ma'am, well played.

Quimby: Oui.

Gagnon: Non.

Quimby: Oui.

Gagnon: Non.

Quimby: Oui.

Gagnon: Non.

Quimby: Oui.

Gagnon: Non.

Quimby: Oui.

Gagnon: Non, monsieur.

Oui. Oui.

Gagnon: Non!

Quimby: Oui.

Gagnon: Non.

Quinby: Oui! Oui! Oui!

Gagnon: Okay, alors, alors, alors, oui.

(Closing music)

(Disappointed exhales)

Where do you think you're going?

Our workload just doubled.

Oh, I'm done. Spent.

Gonna get me some sleep.

Well, can you come back tomorrow? Please?

We really need you. Really, really.

Oh, let me think about it.

If I didn't know you better, I'd say your heart wasn't in it.

What happened to the guy I fell in love with?

The guy who could make language bend to his will, run off half a dozen quotables before the rest of us had a first sip of coffee?

I don't know, Rachel, maybe he wants to do something else with his life.

Something slightly nobler.

Like run a half-assed campaign for a guy who doesn't stand a chance of winning?

Sorry.

It's okay. Nobody thinks he has a chance of winning.

No, not that, dummy, the part about how I fell in love with you.

But I guess, I guess people change.

No, people don't change, they just let you down.

♪

Thus ends a pretty successful day of plate spinning.

Not a single one crashed to the floor.

Tomorrow I'll talk Muriel out of this meet the candidate madness and then...

____

Crash!

Why didn't you call me and tell me that she was knocking on my door?

Don't blame me for your lack of courtesy with the ladies.

Oh, there's no answer.

I blew it. I blew it!

And for what? For what?

For that idiot, joual-mangling dolt.

That's right lad, it was someone else's fault.

(Loud whirring)

Pete 1: This is embarrassing.

These instant polls have the PM lady crushing Quimby ninety to ten.

Yeah, the twitterverse is coming down hard on him.

Brutal.

Feel like if it had been Angus up there, he'd have destroyed her.

Why do you say that?

I went to a lecture he gave once, the guy's a natural.

The accent helps, but when you listen to him, you're like, yes, this guy is awesome.

Did you ever record him?

No.

Pete 1: Click. Light bulb.

Okay, mission statement, we've got to find any and every moment in history where Professor Angus McLintock has spoken.

Parker: About what?

Pete 1: Anything.

Yeah, seek out lectures, interviews, lectures.

You said that.

Man's done a lot of lectures.

Ladonna, create a webpage where...

No, no, text blast to all former and current students of Professor McLintock.

We need audio and especially video.

The rest of you contact everybody you know who ever took his course.

Who's ready for battle?!

Come on!

All right!

Let's do this!

Can I please see that? Thank you. No.

I don't like that kind, okay?

Could you just get me a towel?

Rachel: How'd it go?

Look, I don't even want to talk about it.

Nobody even watches the French debate, right?

Rachel: Just the French, but they've got what, a quarter of the seats in the House of Commons?

Stanton: Tomorrow night we go on the att*ck, okay?

Please tell me you and Addison came up with a couple zingers.

Oh yeah.

(Sighs)

English for engineers.

Hmm.

Angus: Using technology to do a man's job.

You really think she'll respond?

Times have changed, Angus.

Angus: But people have not.

You're wasting your time with that contraption.

Seek her heart, prove you're worthy of her forgiveness.

How?

Like knights and heroes of old.

Slay a dragon, clean the augean stables.

What about arrange for our candidate to speak at his own meet and greet?

That'll prove my metal, right?

(Phone chimes)

Tell ya what, you can hold the event here.

The meet the candidates event?

Aye.

Here, here?

Aye.

And you'll be here?

Certainly.

Let's go over this again.

No laddie, I've had a long day of it, I've made myself very clear.

Thank you. Angus, thank you.

God, I could just kiss you.

(Farts)

But neither of us really want that, so I'll call Muriel in the morning and give her the good news.

You do that. Meantime, check.

Muriel: Now everyone,

I know last night's performance was dispiriting, but tonight Mr. Quimby has a chance to redeem himself.

But whatever the outcome, let's not forget that we're running our own campaign here for a man we all believe in.

Donald: And a man we have never seen in the flesh.

Muriel: Well now, Donald,

I've just been informed that our long planned, oft delayed meet the candidate barbecue is finally happening.

(Cheering and applause)

Such crap.

My God.

Looking for the course binder?

Uh, thank you. Keep looking.

Huh?

Because this seems to contain your party's position on the environment, or should I say positions.

A very confusing document full of contradictions, ambivalences.

Oh my God, that means I left the course binder at... hmm.

You superficial, ignorant, unweighing fellow.

Daniel came up empty but he left his course book here.

You puny, hell-hated measle.

There was a lesson on rhetoric, which included all these Shakespeare insults.

Thou frothy, boil-brained, popinjay, more of your conversation would infect my brain.

So I thought I'd give it a try.

I like these. They're funny.

How do they read?

We're dead.

(Chuckles)

So we're getting tonnes of responses on the email blast, but it's all audio-sourced.

No video.

Parker: Downloaded the case save archive. Check it out, a list of all the conferences he's appeared in, in the last 20 years.

Sweetness.

Moderator: Good evening, and welcome to the second of our leaders debates. Tonight we'll be taking your questions and asking our party leaders about your concerns, put forth by Canadians from coast to coast...

Yes, I'm still texting Lindsay. Pathetic, I know, but I just can't stop thinking about her. Right now I care way more about her than I do about this bloody election, and yet here I sit, just waiting for another train wreck. Or am I?

See part of me wants Quimby to struggle and fold, and embarrass himself, and just had the Prime Minister her majority, but part of me wants him to rise from the ashes, and with one stinging remark, just slay the beast.

(Scoffs) Not a chance.

If only your man knew what I know, he'd win this thing hands down.

Oh yeah? What do you know?

It's in that binder. I'm amazed you missed it.

Angus, what is it?

(Sighs)

(Chuckles)

This is worse than the Oscars.

Come on, Angus!

Just tell, just tell me what you know.

Ha ha! You're a funny one, laddie, you want out of politics, but here you are, like some heroin addict begging for a sip of methadone.

Quimby: In fact, if we look, in fact let's take a look...

Ah! Absolutely incompetent.

Aha! This is it, isn't it?

Hmm?

Economic impact of a revitalized commitment to ensuring our country's climate neutrality for future generations.

And what in Christ's name does that mean?

Well, I... I...

It's here, lad, here!

Your party, our party, says that it will shut down all chemical factories and oil refineries operating within a hundred miles upstream of native communities.

The Prime Minister went after this particular initiative in the French debate.

Not that you were listening, being more attuned to your own romantic ineptitude at the time.

Okay, okay, so she went after the policy. So what?

So this.

Are you sure about this?

Daniel: Yeah, yeah. The source, it's impeccable, okay, use it.

Are you absolutely sure about this?

I confirmed it with a second source.

All right, Stanton, what have we got to lose, huh?

That was a long piss.

It turned into something else.

Moderator: And now we take a question from Daisy Lifchuck from Grandersby, Manitoba.

If you are elected Prime Minister, what will you do to stop climate change from occurring?

Thank you.

Leader of the opposition Quimby, you get the first cr*ck at that.

Well, Daisy, thank you for that question.

It's an important question.

I just wish it was as important to the Prime Minister as it is to millions of Canadians.

During the French debate, the Prime Minister dismissed, and att*cked, my party's position on the environment claiming that we did not understand our own green initiatives.

You can smirk all you want Prime Minister, but perhaps your expression will change when the Canadian people demand to know why you opposed the shuttering of chemical plants in the north when your own brother-in-law owns one of those plants?

Uh, it's a, it's a, it's a legit... it's a legitimate, legitimate question.

Yes!

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

(Cheering) Yeah! Oh my!

What I would like, I would just like to, I will check on that.

Oh please, Prime Minister, more of your conversation would infect my brain.

You blaggard!

What?

What! I received that information in confidence and I gave it to you in confidence, and you went out and spread it like manure the first chance you got.

If I wanted to play dirty politics, I'da done it myself. Now get out of my house!

I cannot bear to look at ya! Get out!

(Door opening and closing)

(Phone ringing)

Addison.

We did it! We did it baby!

Oh, the overnights are huge!

I just wanted to call and thank you personally, Danny boy, for helping us pull this one out of the fire.

Ha ha ha.

Okay look, it'll be a couple days before we know if this is a bump or the start of a turnaround.

But there's two plus weeks to go in this baby, and we have changed the bathwater.

Now, it's very important that we keep up the pressure on the ridings.

I know you've got an uphill battle, but last night proved anything is possible. Are you there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, I'm here.

Okay, good man.

Now we're going to parachute George into a handful of ridings, and we want to really inject some energy into this campaign, okay?

Yeah, I, I, I gotta call you back.

Muriel! Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

So why so early?

Well, we have to set up.

Oh come on, Daniel, this isn't your first meet the candidate barbecue.

Well, actually it is, it's just that there was something I really, really wanted to take care of before the... so, uh...

Angus: What is an engineer?

What does he, or indeed she, do?

As we know, ninety-six point five percent, I can't hear him, dude.

Yo, maybe we could uh, dub his voice.

I could do my Sean Connery.

No, man, no you won't.

There's got to be something out there man, something we missed.

This is all about engineering.

Who cares about that?

We need something that pierces through man, that goes to the heart.

Wh... what about that speech he gave about his wife?

What?

Well, you know how his wife, Marin Lee, was like this feminist writer, right?

Well, when she d*ed, there was this huge memorial for her, and Professor McLintock spoke at it.

I found an article on it.

Pete 2: But the most memorable and moving speech came from...

Look, someone's recording it.

Okay, listen up, we've got to find that woman.

(Excited chatter)

(Blinds closing)

NorMan: Hello Addison.

Oh hey, Norman.

Looks like the Cameron camp's starting to panic.

Huh?

His campaign manager, Petra Borschart is here, trying to look incognito. Ha ha!

Is that so.

Well, where's your boy, hmm?

Uh, well he's around.

Sure he is.

You're going to work this man of mystery angle all the way to the bitter end, aren't you, Addison, huh?

Ha ha ha!

I've got it all figured out.

Why you spiked the campus interview, why you keep him under a rock.

You see, I spent all last night trying to figure out what was it about this particular man?

So I read everything about him.

Conclusion? He's a bore.

All he ever talks about is building Bridges, and not political ones, actual Bridges.

I mean who gives a shi... uh, crap?

So, you build up this mystique around him.

Wow, you are a fine reporter, Norman.

Mm-hmm, I know I am.

Just like I know there's not a chance in hell your boy's going to show today.

Muriel: Uh, Daniel?

Would you excuse me a moment?

Sure! I'm going to try the bouncy cow.

Daniel, isn't it wonderful?

Look at all the support we have!

But Daniel, I have to say, the crowd's getting a little restless.

So um, do you think we could bring Angus out now?

Uh...

He is here, isn't he, Daniel?

Ha, of course he's here, of course.

I was, I was going to go get him right now.

Oh good.

Yeah, good time?

Great! Good!

Okay. Okay.

Okay. So, in preparation, let's get that last thing ready.

Oh right, yes, yes, yes.

(Knocking)

Angus! Angus, I know you're in there.

Can you just... just come on out, say a few words.

They're all here for you, Angus.

Do not damage anything, do not take anything.

(Rings bell) Shh!

Do not touch anything, except that for which we have honourably and righteously come.

We all know what that is now, let's find it.

(Knocking)

Angus! I'm sorry that I used that information without your permission, but I... I thought that you gave it to me to pass it on.

(Loud metallic clang)

I realize now that that was wrong and I never would have done that if I thought it was going to compromise your work.

Please believe that, Angus.

No, please don't leave we're just about to.

Please, please, Angus, today means so much to so many people.

Please do not let them down.

Pete 1: Think, think.

Professor McLintock he's, he's meticulous, he's organized.

Yo, maybe we're not on the right like, level.

Dude, this isn't a video game.

I'm trying.

Sorry man, I'm just frustrated.

It's fine.

Maryanne: There's a basement.

(Door squeaking)

(Footsteps clunk)

(Crashing into objects)

Pete 2: Anyone seen Cabin in the Woods?

If you find a strange object, do not make wishes upon it.

Pete 1: Hey guys, come over here.

What is it?

Ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have you all...

That's right, hi, hello.

Hi, I am Daniel Addison, and I am Angus McLintock's campaign manager.

(Cheering and applause)

Thank you. Thank you.

And thank you so much for coming.

You know, Angus once told me, he told me, he said, we are facing a crisis in our democracy, that people, people are beginning to disdain Democratic principles, which leads to an abandonment of our greater good.

And the politicians, why politicians are no different. Hmm?

Well, I'm here to tell you today that Angus McLintock is different.

Petra: Very different! He's invisible!

(Laughter)

And when he makes a promise, why he, he keeps, he keeps that promise.

So where is he?

Jerry: Yeah, where's Angus?

We came to see him, not you.

So bring him out! Bring out Angus!

(Chanting) Bring out Angus! Bring out Angus!

Bring out Angus! Bring out Angus!

Bring out Angus! Bring out Angus!

Bring out Angus! Bring out Angus!

Bring out Angus!

(Loud operatic music)

Bring out Angus! Bring out Angus!

Bring out Angus! Bring out Angus... !

Pete 1: Marin Lee Memorial Guest Book.

Maryanne: Phone numbers?

Pete 1: Addresses.

Pete 2: That'll work?

Bring out Angus! Bring out Angus!

Please, please. Just listen.

Boo!

All: (Boo)

Wait, hey, would you, please don't, he, he would be here if he could.

He would be here if he could.

His message, what he has to say is just as important as...

(deflating hiss)

♪

(Knocks) Well, I hope you're happy, you great big farting hypocrite!

Look, if you want to make yourself look like a fool, be my guest, but did you have to go and ruin everything for me, too? Huh?

And here's something else you can stuff up your kilt, even I'm going to vote for Eric Cameron!

Twice!

Sorry, that took longer than I thought.

Just wanted to see what the competition looked like.

I don't think we have anything to worry about.

Now, where were we?

(Muffles mumbling)

Right. I remember now.

You wanted to go over the finer points of the crime and punishment bill.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm?

Mm-hmm.

Didn't you?

(Whip cracks)

Hmm. (Laugh)

Didn't you, my bad boy. Huh?

(Whip cracks)

Oh oh oh!

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

I know, I know, please just take it.

Angus has many, many more.

So, what did you think of my speech?

Took a certain amount of courage, especially when you started talking about broken promises.

Ouch.

I'm an idiot.

Yeah.

And I have no excuse for standing you up. Twice.

None.

Daniel: No, and I have no reasonable expectation that if I were to ask you out again, in a vain hope that you believe in the third time lucky rule, that you would accept.

♪

Marjorie: Come on, Lindsay, give him another sh*t.

Donald: Can't you see the boy is crazy about you?

Edna: And you're crazy for him.

I think it's good advice.

And there you have it, folks, the great pendulum swing of the human spirit.

My new life is on hold, Stanton probably wants my hide, and I just made a fool of myself in front of a whole bunch of people.

And yet, here I sit, about to get something right.

(Chuckles)

♪ Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ♪

Oh!

(Overlapping conversations)

Did you happen to attend Marin Lee's memorial?

Where you the person that recorded Angus McLintock's memorial speech?

Do you know anyone who did?

No, I can't bring you eggs.

(Whistle)

I found her.

I'll call you back.

Marin was a great friend of mine.

And Angus spoke so beautifully.

Well, you can see for yourselves.

Thank you, sir.

Pleasure, madam.

(Laughs) Okay.

(Phone chimes)

How about for the next few hours it's just you and me? Hmm?

No interruptions.

I won't even look at it.

You could do better than that.

Yeah, of course, of course I can do better than that.

No problemo.

I'm just going to turn it off.

Yup.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, see that button there?

Yeah. Just that one.

Ah! See? Done.

Well done.

Angus: Yesterday I sat by the river at sundown in our favourite spot, your empty chair a reminder of your absence.

Maryanne: That's so beautiful.

He's so open, so honest.

So pure. You must have a directional mic.

Good video quality. 1080p.

Angus: So many of you told me in the hours and days following...

Daniel: Totally naked!

Lindsay: No.

Yeah, yeah, and not just in the river either, he'll strip down in the middle of the house.

What?

Yeah, usually when he wins at chess.

Was this is part of your lease, like you knew this was gonna happen?

This was not in the agreement.

Great. It's a horrifying sight.

I love the man, but it's horrifying.

Wait, wait, so how did you guys go from being landlord-tenant to candidate-campaign manager?

Well uh, as you know, I asked everybody in Cumberland-Prescott if they would run, and nobody wanted to do it, so at the last minute I thought, bam, why not Angus.

And he just, he wanted to go into politics.

It's perfect.

Well, uh, it's, it's sort of a complicated story.

Okay. Well, you're the writer.

I'm all ears.

Ha. It started, it started off as, wh... when I, uh...

Let's check this out.

Come on.

Petra: Oh my God!

Eric: Oh my God. Look at me!

Pete 1: Muriel, you've got to check this out.

Pete 2: Yo, it's the speech that Professor McLintock gave...

Speech? Professor McLintock?

To hell with it.

Muriel, I know you're pissed right now, but you won't be after you see this.

This can save the campaign.

Campaign! There is no campaign!

There is now.

Whoa! Whoa!

Put me down, you louts! Oh. For heaven's sake.

You stop right there, put that woman down, gently.

Pete 1: Okay. Okay.

All will be explained.

Angus: I've always known what you meant to me, Marin, my love.

But when the steady parade of mourners spoke of you so lovingly, so movingly,

I felt even more the true measure of your greatness.

For you had a way of looking at the world that the people in the world, that was so honest, so pure, so full of compassion.

We live in a time poisoned by cynicism.

For all of us, you were the antidote, my dear.

I will close now with the words of the great Robbie Burns.

"Had we never loved so kindly,"

"had we never loved so blindly,"

"never met or never parted,"

"we had ne'er been broken-hearted."

(Emotionally) Thank you all for coming.

Well, if that doesn't go viral, nothing will.

(Sniffles)

(Fire truck chirps)

Lindsay: Some kind of smoke.

Daniel: Careful.

(Police radio chatter)

(Chatter)

So ends Mr. Cameron's glorious career. Poof!

You think?

Come on.

Well, no, because the PM, she's got a lot of heat on herself these days with the whole brother-in-law business, so maybe she'll hold on to Cameron for a little while.

Distraction like.

Yeah.

Yeah, could be.

Hell, maybe she even set the fire. Ha ha ha!

Oh! Excuse me, miss, do you live here?

So uh, I think I'm going to be busy for a while now.

Can I get a rain check on dessert?

I have a bag of two-bite brownies at my place.

I'll drive you.

(Phone ringing) Sorry.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

Addison.

Stanton: Hi, I'm calling from Dr. Schadenfreude's office.

(Laughs) Isn't this beautiful?

Down goes Cameron! Down goes Cameron!

I'm watching the whole thing.

I need a hundred eyes, it's on every g*dd*mn channel, CNN, Fox even.

Oh, and there you are.

Wave Danny boy, hi. Wave.

Ha ha! You'd better get used to being on TV

because your boy Angus could just take this thing.

He could just take it!

(Sirens wail)

Announcer: Next Monday...

So the great family values man is now standing half-naked wearing a studded dog collar.

George Quimby will be the next Prime Minister.

The spinning is just beginning.

Thank you.