01x02 - Josh's Girlfriend is Really Cool!

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Whoever this Josh Chan is, you are, you're obsessed with him.

So you're saying that I moved here from New York and I left behind a job that would've paid me $545,000 a year for a guy I dated for two months when I was 16 at a summer camp?

I did not do that.

What's the deal with you and Josh?

Josh isn't my type.

But, like, speaking of types, like, what type's his girlfriend?

I should go.

Did you see this résumé?

Harvard? Yale?

What the hell is she doing here?

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ And so I decided to move ♪
♪ To West Covina, California ♪
♪ Brand new pals and new career ♪
♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
♪ What? No, I'm not. ♪

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪

Okay! We get it!

♪ Crazy ex-girlfriend. ♪

Rebecca: Ugh...

It's so hot.

Is it always this hot?

Yeah.

You're getting a sexy SoCal farmer's tan.

Now, that's a good look.

So I've been thinking about it...

Yes?

And there could be, like, a million reasons why Josh hasn't texted me back.

Look, he specifically wrote in his text:

“Want to grab dinner? Smiley face.”

Which is the least he can do, since you left your great job and moved to this dump to be with him.

Hey! I didn't move here for him, remember?

I moved here because I needed a change and Josh just happens to be here.

Get it straight.

Oh, are we still doing that? Okay.

All right, just let me know when we can stop, because I actually want to know what's keeping him from having dinner with his dear old friend from summer camp.

I don't know.

What are you... Don't do that.

Let's see what he's been up to.

You can't take a person's personal electronic... - I just did Oh, look at this.

What? Wait, wait, wait. Has he updated his status in the last 20 minutes?

Not that I've been checking, I was...

Checking? Oh, that is amateur hour.

You gotta change your push notifications. Look.

He is going to a club called Spiders with his friends tonight.

And so, we will, too.

Spiders. I drove by there the other night.

It was hopping.

But I always wonder, though, is it possessive Spider's or plural Spiders?

Because every time I see a flyer for it, the apostrophe's in a different location.

What difference does it make?

It doesn't make a difference, it's just, like, it's two different things.

Like, either the club is owned by a spider or the club is filled with, like, a bunch of spiders.

So... it's a different thing.

Okay, let's go back to what you were saying.

You know what?

I actually really like your idea.

Let's go to Spider's tonight.

(gasps) Just, like, as a gal date.

Like, not-not 'cause Josh is there.

In fact, I hope Josh isn't there, so that when I do my sexy dance moves, it's just for me.

It's just for me.

(dance music playing)

Oh!

Hey!

Hi. Cool hat.

Hats are the new tattoos.

Oh, yeah, I read that.

Let's go find Josh.

Okay, well, you can find Josh and I'll be in there just checking out the local indigenous culture. Uh-huh.

Well, while you're in there chatting about the majestic history of the 10 freeway, I'm gonna be asking Josh Chan why he's been dodging you.

See, now, there it's possessive.

Paula: Yo...

You see my hat?

It's like a tattoo, but on my head.

(whispers): Let us in.

You on the list, Mrs. Butterworth?

I don't care for that tone...

Or that reference.

Okay. Um, I... I...

I got this. Sorry.

Sorry, she doesn't know about club culture.

Um... I should've done this earlier, it's more suave, but... let us in?

Thank you.

Yo, this is $500.

Um... yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Look, if this had been a 20, you'd be good.

But either you're a cop or you're a drug dealer.

Either way, y'all ain't getting in.

Okay.

Okay...

Okay. Yeah.

No, not tonight. No.

Oh, see... Hey, hey.

Come on. Come on. Come on, come on.

You gonna get runs in your stockings and all that stuff, man, you don't want that.

Gotta keep moving. Come on.

Okay. All right.

I'm sorry, not tonight.

Just... easy, easy, k*ller.

All right. You know.

All right. Well, if we're not getting in the club, do you want to... do you want to hang out, do something else?

Ooh!

There's a new Olive Garden in Arcadia.

They're still figuring out their portions.

Nah, I don't...

I kind of want to just call it a night.

No... oh, come on, man.

I got a pass.

I told Scott I was gonna be out all night having my period.

He asked me no questions.

(whines)

I just, you know... coming from New York, a quiet night is a luxury.

Can we take a rain check?

All right.

I like alone time.

No...

I love alone time.

♪ ♪

And it was then the Fuhrer decided upon the Final Solution.

What are you doing?

♪ ♪

(exhales)

Man (over P.A.): Uh, Danny, could I get a price check on, uh, pork rinds?

Price check on pork rinds.

(fairy tale music playing)

Rebecca: Josh-osh-osh-osh.

Can I help you, ma'am?

No, I'm fine.

I'm just watching my ex-boyfriend make out with the hottest girl I've ever seen.

Ah, she's okay.

No...

You know what?

She's smoking.

Oh, yeah, I see it now.

She's got one of them secret booties.

Oh, does he know you still dig him?

He's just a friend!

Sorry. It's a long story.

Oh! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa. Sor...

(sighs)

Hey.

Wow.

Um... so I-I texted you after the party, but I didn't hear back.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I've been really busy with work. Seriously, though, now that I have you here, could we maybe have a postmortem on the whole makeout-crying session?

I really don't think it's the time or the place. I...

Wow.

Dude, they got Twizzlers.

Throwback!

That's great.

Um, Rebecca, let me introduce you to these two fine gentlemen.

This is Hector, 203rd best surfer in the state.

202nd.

Greg: Great.

And this is White Josh, so named because he looks just like Josh, except for he's white.

Also, my... my name is also Josh.

Mmm.

Well, we've all met.

Um, hopefully the next time, I'll be...

Better looking?

Thanks.

He doesn't mean that.

Uh... it's fine.

Um, I will text you at some point, I just... I-I really... I have to...

Okay.

Yeah. I have to go.

Bras are in aisle one.

(guys chuckling)

That's really nice.

It's, like, only $5.26.

That's not that bad.

Um, I think the ice cream is down here.

What are you talking about, Joshy?

It's right in front of you.

Are you okay?

Wait, why is Greg talking to a homeless?

Oh, hi, Rebecca.

Hey.

You know each other?

Yeah, uh, this is my friend Rebecca.

We, um, met at summer camp, like, a million, billion, trillion, like, a zillion years ago.

Summer camp?

You guys met in summer camp?

Yeah, we were like... like, eight years old.

Right, Rebecca?

No, we were...

We were eight and a half.

That was very important to me when I was eight. I'm eight and a half!

You know. Kids.

Uh, this is Valencia.

My girlfriend.

Hi.

Nice to meet you. Oh. Hi.

My lady.

Greg: I'm confused.

You don't know each other from New York?

No.

Nope.

Wait.

How do you guys know each other?

(laughs) Oh, we, um, met at Home Base, um, and then we just became, like, cazh buds, and, yeah, that's-that's just, that's what happened.

Valencia, that's such a beautiful name.

What's the origin of that?

Well, it used to be Maria, but I never felt like a Maria so I changed it to my mother's maiden name: “Valencia”"

It's the Spanish word for “brave”"

That's really cool.

Actually, I thought about doing the same thing with my mother's maiden name.

Um, it's “Garfinkel,” which is the Yiddish word for “diamond dealer.”

Um...

God, I love that dress.

Can I just say, like, I cannot wear dresses like that, and you pull it off so, so well.

I mean, you are... you're just so pretty.

I mean, you have a great body.

Well, I teach yoga. Keeps me fit.

Oh, my God, I love yoga!

That's so funny that we're meeting right now, 'cause I love yoga.

You do?

Yeah, I-I love it.

Well, maybe you should come to one of my classes.

I would love that!

I would love to have you!

I would love to be had!

(whispering): Why are their voices so high?

Rebecca: Cool.

Well, God, this has just been the best night.

It was so great meeting you.

I'm just going to gracefully exeunt, pursued by a bear.

Uh, hey, I'll be right back.

Can you get me two more pints?

Oh, my God, she's so pretty, oh, my God, she's so pretty, oh, my God, she's so pretty, oh, my God, she's so pretty.

Hi.

Hey.

What was up with that “eight years old” thing?

We were 16 when we were at camp.

No biggie. Just, uh... the thing with us at camp, no one knows that, especially Valencia, so let's just keep it on the DL.

Is this because I look like a homeless?

No, just, Valencia, she sometimes sweats these things.

You get it.

Wait...

Is that the reason you haven't gotten back to me about dinner?

Come on, dude.

I'm no thr*at!

Look at her!

Look at me!

Her! Me!

Yoga! Homeless!

And I... I have no problem with her.

I think she's terrific.

I mean, did you see how we... we instantly bonded? Actually, I...

I would like to be friends with her.

What? No.

That's not a good idea.

I don't think you guys should be friends or anything like that.

Okay, okay. No, you're right, you're right.

I am.

Just chill, okay?

Okay.

Anyway, I got to roll. Catch you later.

Oh, okay.

I'll catch you...

Hey, Val? I got your chin.

I got your chin.

What are you doing?

(computer chimes)

(chuckles)

Josh's girlfriend is so nice.

Like, so nice.

Like, stop being this nice.

You are so pretty.

So, I got provisions for us for while we work on this arbitration, because it is going to be...

(laughs): a long day.

First...

Mama got you the strawberry donuts that you like from the place around the corner.

(squeals) And... look at what I found at the car wash.

Sh-bam!

It's a Statue of Liberty key chain.

'Cause you're from New York.

Do you get it?

Do you, do you like it?

Yeah, no... (stammers)

I'm sorry, I love it, yeah!

Oh, that's so sweet.

I don't have anything for you.

Put it on your keys!

Okay, yeah.

No, I mean, like, right now!

'Cause I want to, I want to watch it happen!

Oh, okay.

Ah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I always wanted a daughter.

I didn't, my-my kids are not daughters.

They're terrible.

I'll-I'll tell you about it later.

Or now.

So, Valencia's interests include tempeh patties, and Vampire Weekend.

I just feel like we have so much in common.

What's Vampire Weekend?

Um, it's a weekend away with vampires.

(chuckles) I'm pretty sure it's not that.

No, I-I read about it in The New Yorker.

It's very popular.

Let me see her picture. Let me see her face.

Here, take a look, see?

Paula: Whoa-ho-ho!

She is smoking!

So pretty, right?

And Josh says I can't be friends with her, but I really like her.

(laughs) Come on.

You loathe her.

Um, no, I don't.

Oh, okay!

Let me tell you how this works.

Women of equal sexual viability hate each other.

Even if they pretend to like each other.

And that is how it has worked since the day vag*na’s were invented.

See, okay, look.

You're like these two, all right?

You're Taylor Swift and she's Katy Perry.

Oh, wait a minute... Maybe you're Katy Perry.

No! No, you're Taylor Swift.

You're uptight and weird, right?

Okay, this is why I don't read this drivel, right?

Because it perpetuates the very misogynist myth that women can't get along, right?

Look at this cover!

“Femme feud, girl fight.

Who wore it better?”

It's like, “Who wore it equally?”

God, you're boring.

Look, I get what you're doing with this girl and I totally approve!

You befriend the enemy and you get more face time with Josh.

If you really neutralize her, maybe she'll give you some solo time with him, so...

No, no, mm-mm, no.

That's not what I'm doing.

That's not what I'm doing at all.

I know, that is not what you're doing at all... wink.

No, I... (chuckles) I really want to be her friend.

Like, genuinely want to be her friend.

Wink.

Stop winking!

(giggles)

Ooh. Oh, she's teaching a yoga class today at 3:00.

Oh, that's, like, now!

Change of plans.

Eat the donut for me.

I'm gonna go. While I'm gone, pull up the Mendez file, and see what previous motions the plaintiff has put before the judge, okay?

Yeah... I love this!

Gonna use it on my car right now.

Okay...

Go get her!

I'll be right here.

And just breathe.

Good.

Everyone, thank you for joining me today in a journey of self-discovery and reflection.

Oh, you came.

How nice.

Everyone, we have some new faces today.

Welcome. Namaste.

Namaste.

Can I get an “ohm”?

(laughs)

Okay.

So, let's start in a gentle stretch.

Breathe in. (deep inhale)

And out. (exhales)

Good, now let's move into our first Vinyasa flow.

And breathe in.

And exhale on an ah...

Ah!

All: Ah...

(mystical music playing)

♪ We are in a yoga class ♪
♪ Now is the time to let your mind go blank ♪
♪ And focus instead on how awesome ♪
♪ The yoga teacher is ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me ♪
♪ I'm so good at yoga ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me ♪
♪ I'm so good at yoga ♪
♪ Exhale on another sigh ♪

♪ Rebecca sucks ♪

♪ I do stuff with my body ♪
♪ That no human should be able to do ♪
♪ Like putting my face behind my knees ♪
♪ Turning my hand into a shoe ♪
♪ As the morning sun kisses a lotus ♪
♪ I kiss my own hoo-ha... Can you do that? ♪
♪ Great each day “Namaste” ♪
♪ Screw... you ♪
♪ You're fat ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me ♪
♪ I'm so good at yoga ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me ♪
♪ I'm so good at yoga ♪

♪ Look at her, look at her ♪
♪ Look at her, look at her ♪

♪ I'm so much better than you ♪

If you want to just stay in child's pose, it's totally fine.

Nope, I'm an adult!

♪ I'm not afraid to get tattoos ♪
♪ And they are all in Sanskrit ♪

♪ Panther ♪
♪ Butt stuff doesn't hurt at all ♪
♪ Most times I prefer it ♪
♪ That's what this tattoo says ♪

♪ Look at her, look at her ♪

♪ I'm so good at yoga ♪
♪ Look at her, look at her ♪
♪ I orgasm instantly ♪

♪ Look at her, look at her ♪

♪ I'm not afraid of clowns and trains ♪

Come on!

♪ Look at her, look at her ♪
♪ My father didn't leave me ♪
♪ Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah ♪
♪ N-N-N-N-N-Nyah ♪

♪ Boom! ♪
♪ Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah ♪
♪ I'm so good at yoga ♪
♪ Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah ♪
♪ N-N-N-N-N-Nyah ♪

♪ Boom! ♪

Rebecca: Wow!

Um, that was, like, amazing.

Yeah, you are really sweating.

I think you really cleared out some toxins.

I can see those heavy metals just pouring out of you.

Heavy metals, yeah.

Well, I do eat a lot of auto parts.

Huh?

Nothing, it's stupid.

I'm stupid.

Hey, do you want to go grab, like, a coffee with me or something?

I only drink water.

And I got to go do some cardio.

It's hard to break a sweat doing beginner's yoga.

Of... yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, maybe another time.

Well, no worries.

'Cause I'm just gonna keep coming back.

Um, I bought a 20-pack on my way in, so I'm kind of your sugar mama if you know what I'm saying.

(laughs) Yeah, I wish.

I only get to keep 50% of each class.

But until I own my own studio, I can't complain.

Well, your own studio. I mean, that's, that's a great idea. Have you looked into stuff yet?

Because I-I'm actually, I'm a lawyer and real estate is my specialty.

And I could help you find a cheap place, get a good deal on a lease.

Why would you want to do that?

Well, that's why I moved here... To support a local community.

And building small businesses is an essential part of that.

Wow, did you, like, go to Harvard or something?

Um, yeah, but I don't like to talk about it, 'cause people get weird.

Your shirt says Harvard.

That way I don't have to talk about it.

Hmm, wow. That's... impressive.

Hey! Oh, mmm!

This just popped into my nogs.

Why don't we get lunch sometime this week, and I'll just, I'll go over all the deets about leases and how it works.

And I can buy you a really nice water.

Okay.

I like boxed water.

Great.

Paula: So... have a nice lunch with Valerio.

Who knows, maybe next time, you'll actually have lunch with Josh.

Uh, okay, again, this is not because of Josh.

(phone chimes)

Who's that?

Josh!

Josh: Hey!

Hi!

Sorry.

Hi, um, so you wanted to see me?

Oh, before we go talk, do you want some boba?

It actually horrifies me personally.

It's like drinking little tumors.

But if you want some, like, knock yourself out.

No, I'm good, I'm good.

So, listen, uh, I've been scratching my head a little bit here, 'cause I heard you were having lunch with Valencia?

And I thought you were gonna keep a little distance?

Yeah, um, the friendship thing.

I know that we talked about that.

But it just kind of, it happened organically.

You know?

I won't say a word about camp.

Oh, my God, like, I don't even factor that whole thing into our friendship.

I honestly, I barely remember it.

I mean, I've had many sexual partners since.

Clean as a whistle, though.

I don't know.

Uh, uh, she can get mad.

She can, you know, get really mad.

But what's there to be mad about?

Because if we're just gonna be buds, that's all.

And the great thing is, if we're friends, then we can all hang out and it won't be awkward.

Right? We could have lunches and dinners and go to Spiders.

Find out if it's possessive or plural.

(laughs) Right?

Thank you for letting me order off the children's menu.

You're so nice.

This looks so good.

So I really think we're gonna get the property on East Cameron.

You think so?

It would be so perfect.

The square footage is exactly what I need.

But it was so expensive.

And you low-balled the guy.

No, no. By the end of lunch, that guy's gonna call and cave.

So, um, go back to what you were saying about your diet, 'cause it was, it was fascinating.

Oh, yeah.

So, I sent my wellness coach a drop of my blood, and she told me which foods go best with my blood type.

So it's lots and lots of greens and lean proteins and no legumes.

Rebecca: No legumes, no starches.

God, she's so skinny.

No wonder Josh loves her.

You know, I-I sent a drop of blood to a wellness coach one time, and they said that my blood type works best with Panda Express.

Really?

No. No, it doesn't.

Oh, you were making a joke.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, I think you did that once before.

Sorry, I don't like humor.

Okay.

Um, I've been meaning to ask you.

What kind of face moisturizer do you use?

'Cause my face has been dry for, like, 20 years.

Unrefined coconut oil.

Really?

Yeah, mm-hmm.

So, anyway, something else my wellness coach said was...

Actually don't do the oil pulling for 20 minutes...

Rebecca: Coconut oil.

Long necklace nestled in cleavage.

Silky romper... how do you pee in that thing?

(cell phone chimes)

Hold on. Hold that very important thought.

We got your yoga studio.

We did?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, you're amazing.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Hey, you're amazing.

You smell like roasted corn.

Huh?

I said you smell like roasted corn.

Oh, thanks.

God, I can't believe you did it.

Well, I went to Harvard.

I don't mess around.

Do all people who go to Harvard say it as much as you do?

Yeah.

You've checked your phone, like, 80 times.

Why are you so worried about Valencia having lunch with Rebecca?

Don't know, it just... feels weird.

Why? Did you and Rebecca hook up or something?

(scoffing): Um, no, bro, I was eight years old.

Even I am not that big of a stud.

Hmm. Wait, why?

Are you into Rebecca?

Well...

Is that why you're asking me?

Uh, I'm not... not interested.

Whoa.

Wow, Serrano, coming from you, that is like... a declaration of love.

(scoffs)

Dude, if you want her, go for it.

Maybe I will. (grunts)

Maybe I will throw my saddle on that filly.

Yeah.

Take her for a ride around the paddock.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you're gonna ride that filly.

(neighs)

(neighs)

(grunts)

Men are disgusting.

Yeah.

Hey, don't worry about Valencia and Rebecca.

They are not gonna become friends.

You know how Valencia is with other women.

Come on, she's not a bonder.

She can't bond.

(both laughing)

I love you.

No, I love you.

(laughs)

(chuckles)

Hey, what's-what's wrong?

Uh, it's just, you wouldn't get this about me because of my wide student fan base, but I actually don't have a lot of girlfriends.

Huh.

The last time I had a solid crew was in high school, but then they all got jealous because I got these amazing boobs and they were still trolls, and so they spread all these rumors that I, like, slept with the English teacher.

No. I know.

Which is a total lie, because we only did hand stuff.

And then everyone turned on me, and since then, I just...

I don't get along that well with other girls.

Oh, my God, I'm the exact same way.

Yeah? I mean, except for the English teacher part.

That's-that's really cool.

Thanks.

Although, um, it-it's really cool, but, like, you know, you should have reported that.

Did you report it to the appropriate authorities?

Nah, it's just hand stuff... It's not a big deal.

Well, I mean, depending on what age you were, it's technically a little bit of statutory r*pe.

Eh... But, you know.

I'll allow it.

But seriously, a judge would not have allowed it.

He should be in jail.

Do you know if he went to jail?

Did he do it to other kids?

Oh, my God, you're amazing, you're so nice.

I thought you just only wanted to do real estate stuff with me, but we're friends.

We're friends, right?

Yeah. Yeah, we're... we're fr...

Yeah, we're friends...

Yeah, we're friends.

Yeah, 'cause, I mean, like, what other agenda could I possibly have?

(both laugh)

That is such a weird thing to say.

(laughing): I know!

Aah! Yeah.

(both laugh, sigh)

Mmm, your tushy's warm.

Thanks.

Rebecca (sighs happily): Yeah.

Valencia and I are basically the same person.

Oh, she's like me, except for...

I don't know what she is... Guatemalan?

I don't know, don't quote me on that.

Anyway, between us, it's like we're Siamese souls.

Excuse me, just one second.

(imitates vomiting)

Now, uh, in case you missed it, that was me vomiting.

No, I got it.

What's wrong with you?

'Cause, like, I've made a really cool friend.

She's, like, pretty and nice, and she knows about, like, a lot of cool things, like coconut oil and movies and Vampire Weekends.

Like, what's your deal?

We had a plan... uh, neutralize the enemy, not snuggle it.

No, we didn't have a plan.

You had a plan, I'm making a friend.

What?!

Wow.

Are you jealous?

(scoffs) I am not jealous.

I'm not saying this for me, I'm saying this for you, you munchkin dumb-ass.

This is unhealthy.

Okay, all right.

You need to take some Motrin or something.

Oh, you know, I have never met anyone in my life who lies to themselves as much as you do.

You lie about why you came here, You lie about how you feel about Josh.

You lie about why you want to become friends with Valencia.

Okay, okay, that's enough! God!

Let's just do this stupid meeting with these stupid clients.

Hello, gentlemen.

So we heard most of that.

I'm realizing that now as I see the horrified looks on your faces.

I'm so sorry.

Paula and I were just having a little disagreement out there.

It has nothing to do with you.

It will not happen again.

Let's get down to business, shall we?

You know that was very inappropriate what we overheard.

(cell phone chimes)

I understand. One sec...

(whoops) Going to Spiders.

Which seems to be possessive plural.

Oh.

Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I mention that I got Robertson to agree to an arbitration next week?

I didn't mention that.

Should have led with that. Sorry.

How did you do that?

Uh, we've been trying to do that for years.

Actually, I threatened a lawsuit on the grounds that they were impeding commercial development, and that they would be liable for interest or extra costs.

(clicks tongue) (chuckles)

So, news flash... next week, you are going to a hearing that will allow you to... Most likely...

Build the $10 million complex downtown you have always wanted in your little heart of hearts, and I am going to a super cool nightclub.

Oh, I got to go get ready.

I should buy jewelry, I don't have jewelry.

(dance music pulsates)

♪ ♪

Uh, love your dress.

Oh, um, you too, b*tches.

Do you want to take a selfie?

Yeah.

Okay, all right, one, two, three.

(phone rings)

What?

Man: Uh, Mom, I stabbed Tommy.

Uh, kind of.

Brendan, I told you I had to work late.

But, uh, he's sort of bleeding.

Okay, you know what, figure it out.

♪ ♪

Yeah.

(whoops)

(whoops)

It's hugging my throat.

(laughs) Don't you just love her, Joshy?

Don't you just want to put her in a bowl with chocolate sauce and eat her?

(imitates noshing)

Uh, uh, I thought we were off sugar, Valencia.

Oh, you're funny.

I'm starting to like humor.

Come on, dance with me, Joshy.

I want to see you work that thang.

What's up with your resting Maggie Smith face?

What?

What is this?

This? This is called a metallic mini.

No, the thing where you copy another girl's outfit.

What are you up to, you duplicitous minx?

I'm not copying her.

I'm just heavily influenced by her, like... like how Picasso was influenced by early portraiture before he created the Cubist movement.

You went to Harvard... We get it.

Anyway, can I get you a drink?

Um...

How many bras are you wearing, by the way?

(sighs) Come on, you crazy kids, let's dance.

Okay. Come on.

Okay. (whoops)

Whoa, you clean up good.

Oh, thanks.

I'm just gonna go dance with my friend, though, so...

Hey, whatever happened with you and your ex?

Uh, I saw him over there.

It's the buff Asian dude, right?

Ex?

No, he's not my ex.

I... I was just talk... I was just talking...

Oh, you're still bummed he's with that other girl.

Don't worry.

You'll get him, kid.

Hey, I'll see you at the market.

Oh, next week we're having a sale on clementines.

It's gonna be tight!

Wait a second.

You and Josh dated?

Okay, so nobody knows.

Well, that guy knows.

(scoffs) I am so stupid.

It all makes sense now... Everything, all of it.

When did you date? In New York?

It's complicated.

(scoffs) No, something with you is complicated?

Valencia: Rebecca!

Oh, my God.

Just please... just please don't say anything.

Please, please, please, please don't say anything.

Please, please, please, please.

Why so serious?

Come on, dance with Greg.

Dance with Greg.

Get away from me.

She-she wants me to dance with you.

You do everything she says?

No.

(giggling): Hi.

Ooh, oh.

(whooping)

♪ Hey, cutie, don't know if you knew ♪
♪ But I've kind of got a girl crush on you ♪
♪ You're everything that I wish I could be ♪
♪ Gonna tell you what I want to do to you, tee hee hee ♪
♪ I want to lock you in a basement with soundproof walls ♪
♪ And take over your identity ♪
♪ I want to cut the silky hair right off your head ♪
♪ And slurp it up like spaghetti ♪
♪ Want to clone you and consume you ♪
♪ Want to own you and cartoon you ♪
♪ Fly your dirty panties like a kite ♪
♪ Kite ♪
♪ 'Cause I-I-I-I ♪
♪ Sorry I said that creepy stuff out loud ♪
♪ That was super rando ♪
♪ I meant to say I want to do cutesy stuff ♪
♪ Like pillow fight or go swimming commando ♪
♪ I want to k*ll you and wear your skin like a dress ♪
♪ But then also have you see me in the dress ♪
♪ And be like, “O-M-G, you look so cute in my skin” ♪
♪ I want to lock you in a basement ♪
♪ But in that basement you would also be my personal trainer ♪
♪ I want your abs ♪
♪ Break into your mom's house, collect your baby teeth ♪
♪ And turn them into my new retainer ♪
♪ I want your smile ♪
♪ Cook your spit into a chowder ♪
♪ Dry your sweat into a powder ♪
♪ And do lines of you all through the night ♪
♪ Night ♪
♪ 'Cause I-I-I-I-I-I-I ♪
♪ I'm feeling kind of naughty ♪
♪ Take measurements of your body ♪
♪ Then go up to a surgeon ♪
♪ Make my body like your body ♪
♪ Like that film with Liberace ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm feeling kind of naughty tonight. ♪

(both laughing)

Wait, wait.

Oh!

Are you crazy?!

What is wrong with you?!

We were just being cute!

Cute kissing.

For attention.

(groans) Are you stupid, Harvard?

Oh, this is why I can't be friends with women!

Why does everyone want to have sex with me?!

Okay, so, Valencia, Valencia?

It's all good, okay?

It's just, it's just there's so much love here.

Just back off, okay?

I-I think we should call it a night.

You think?

Hey, shh, come on.

No, I-I just want to apologize! I want to talk to you...

The reason why, the reason with her... Valencia?

See, okay, it all makes sense, because it's a circle of love.

Because I love you.

You love Josh.

And Josh and I used to love each other.

(groans)

What is this drunk bitch talking about?

Rebecca: Um... so I'd like to start by saying that it was nothing.

What... is... she... talking about?!

Um... um...

Do you remember that summer between 11th and 12th grade when, uh, I went to camp... and we were technically on a break?

It was, it was eons ago! Right? It was eons ago!

It meant nothing!

It was just two young bucks sharing two months of summer love.

It was a moment of connection.

And isn't that what yoga's all about?

Why did you lie to me?

B-Because he...

I-I was afraid. I was afraid.

I was afraid, okay?!

I was afraid.

I don't know what you're trying to do or why you pretended to be my friend, but stay away from me and my Josh.

Are you okay?

No.

Let me go out on a limb and say telling the truth from the beginning probably would've been the better option here?

You're right.

(chuckles)

I messed everything up.

Thank you for pointing it out.

Is this what you wanted?

You're right.

I'm hungry.

You want to go to a diner?

Maybe get a cup of coffee?

You could use a cup of coffee, some flapjacks.

Just... I...

Stop being nice to me, okay?

Great to see you, Mr. Spiders!

Well, at least that's been cleared up.

(humming “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”)

It's not Christmas!

Well, I just like the song.

Where's Rebecca?

I usually see you two at break enjoying your Luna Bars.

Who cares? I don't care about her.

She talks too much.

Well, I don't know about that.

But she does always eat the Lemon Zest bars, before I can get my mitts on them, mmm.

You know Luna Bars are for women, right?

Oh, I did not.

Yeah, I think they have, like, menstrual blood in them.

Stop that.

No, they don't.

Oof!

It's a long story.

Can I get the number for Luna Bars customer service?

I feel like I've lost her.

I know I still have you.

But you have your rugby friends now.

What should I do?

Hey.

Hey.

Oh!

Munchkin.

God, I am so sorry.

I'm such a bad friend.

You're the only person that I can trust.

You know why? You're a true friend.

Because a true friend is somebody who loves you no matter what.

Even if your Downward Dog is horrible.

(laughing): Oh, come here.

Oh, you guys.

Ow, not you, Darryl! Get off!

You know, that's not true about Luna Bars.

Talked to the customer service.

They were very nice.

So, my client, Mr. Mendez, will drop his counter-suit and will reimburse Mr. Robertson for all of his relocation fees for the entire duration of construction.

Also, he will provide a free lease on a floor-through space for a period of 18 months.

Hmm, Ms. Bunch, your arguments are... persuasive.

I rule in your favor, Mr. Mendez.

You are free to build on that lot, pending the usual approvals and inspections.

(laughing)

Thank you.

Ah!

I have been trying to settle this case for ten years.

Uh, yeah, I think you mentioned that once or twice.

This is what she did for you her first week of working for you.

Imagine what she's gonna do next week.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Let's go.

Go drink, gentlemen.

Yes! Ha-ha!

Thank you, thank you.

You're welcome.

(both shriek)

Oh, my God!

Well done!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Oh! Oh, guess what.

What? I got something for you.

Oh, Paula, another present?

Come on, you don't have to do that.

(stammers) Don't move.

I got these... (both laughing) for your feud with Valencia.

So, you know, if it ever becomes a feud again, we'll have these handy.

(laughs)

Paula, that's really sweet.

Thank you.

I just want you to know that if you ever need it, this... T-shirt will always be there for you.

I know, thank you.

Okay.

And I'm here.

The-the T-shirt is me.

Which you got that.

Yeah, I get it.

I don't know why I felt the need to explain that to...

Hi, excuse me.

Um, I'm here to see Rebecca Bunch.

Is she here?

Hi.

Hi, do you have a second?

Uh, yeah, I have a second.

I have two seconds.

How many... (laughs) seconds do you need?

Let's take all the seconds.

Okay. Let's go...

This is my good luck room!

Let's go in my good luck room.

You know why it's my good luck room?

I just actually won, like, a big case in here.

Like, literally seconds ago, I won a huge case. Wow.

Yeah. This place is sweet!

Yeah, yeah, it's...

Why are you here? Why are... ?

Not, like, why are you here? Why are you here?

Uh, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I realize...

I shouldn't have asked you to lie.

The-the crazy stuff that happened last night, it was all my fault in a way, because of the lying.

No, no. Some of it was my fault, too.

I mean, sticking my tongue down your girlfriend's throat kind of crossed a line.

Right?

Well, anyway, uh, I'd like to make it up to you.

So I was thinking you want to grab that dinner tonight?

Um... yeah.

That sounds great.

Mmm, mmm!

So good.

Right?

Mmm!

This place is awesome.

I know.

Do you come here a lot?

Well, nah, it's a little far.

I was gonna say I drove, like, 45 minutes to get here.

Yeah.

Does Valencia know we're hanging out tonight?

Uh, no, she says she doesn't want me to see you ever again.

So this is probably the last time we can have dinner.

(laughs) Well, we'll see about that.

(laughing): Yeah.

We'll see about that.

Welcome, everyone, to Vampire Weekend.

For those of you who would like to go water-skiing, there will be a tutorial at 2:00... a.m.

You see?