01x03 - I Hope Josh Comes to My Party!

(whirring, click)

(clicking)

(airy whistling)

(whistling, doorbell rings)

(humming)

Hi. Thank you so much for coming.

Hi. You said there was a... an emergency? What?

Yeah, yeah, I'm so... Something is wrong with my garbage disposal is completely clogged.

I don't know what happened.

And I know that, you know, you're a real fixer from summer camp, wood shop, making all those lanyards, so I figured you could help me.

And I know that you're wondering, like, why haven't I called a service.

Well, one time, I called a service in New York, and the handyman stole my grandmother's necklace from Krakow, so I thought never again.

White Josh: Wow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!

Oh.

Hi, White Josh. You brought White Josh. How nice.

Very cool apartment. How long you been here?

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ And so I decided to move ♪
♪ To West Covina, California ♪
♪ Brand new pals and new career ♪
♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
♪ What? No, I'm not. ♪

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪

Okay! We get it!

♪ Crazy ex-girlfriend. ♪

So, uh... so you got a clog, huh?

Sure it's not an obstruction, backup? Could be a stoppage.

I... I have no idea.

Let me take a look.

Whoa. There's like a crapload of chicken in here.

It's almost like you tried to break it.

Okay, um, so, while White Josh is fixing the garbage disposal, why don't you and I catch up?

So, how have you been?

Sorry about Whi-Jo.

You know, Valencia is still not super psyched about you and I hanging out alone together, so, in case she finds out I was here, I can say White Josh was here, too.

Valencia... when she gets mad, she, like... ugh... hulks out.

But what's she mad about? Like, I don't...

I don't really understand what she's mad about.

Ugh! Are you crazy?!

Why does everyone want to have s*x with me?

It's a circle of love, because I love you, you love Josh, and Josh and I used to love each other.

Oh, that.

Yeah. Oh, she's still angry about that?

Oh, my God!

It's like, shake it off, girlfriend.

That was ages ago!

It was six days ago.

Well, yeah, I mean, I just need a buffer, you know.

Yeah. Especially since Valencia's...

She's out of town at some yoga retreat.

Oh, she's out of town?

You know, it's so funny that she's so angry because I've tried to tell her repeatedly that you and I are just friends and that I'm really on the hunt for, like, cute, single guys, you know.

It's so hot in here. Aah!

Hey, buddy, if you're gonna sweat, can you put down a towel?

Oh, sorry. I'm actually... I'm done, anyway.

Disposal's fixed.

Oh, great. Then we should jet.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Why-why don't we... why don't we watch a movie, and-and... and Buffer can play with my phone? Hmm?

Here you go, bud.

Ah.

You got a step counter on here?

Whoa! It is very low. I'm gonna catch you up.

Uh, no, we got to go.

Anyway, don't you have, like, work or something?

Um, actually, today is Weekend Tuesday.

Yeah, it's like, uh, Casual Friday, but even more chill and on a Tuesday.

And, um, we make it up by working Saturdays once a quarter.

That sounds confusing.

I don't disagree.

Uh, yeah, come on, dude, we got to go.

Um, it was great to see you, Becks.

You know, glad we could help.

Just a little advice.

Uh, no chicken in the disposal ever.

Also, no fish bones, also, uh, no seeds.

Also, lemons seem bad, but they're actually good.

Cool.

Thanks for the tips. Thanks for the help. Uh-huh. Sure.

Uh, put on a shirt 'cause no one wants to see that.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's totally fine.

Yeah, no. No problem.

Sorry. See you, Becks.

All right.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Oh, God.

(whimpering)

Darryl Whitefeather.

Hi, Darryl. It's Rebecca.

Listen, I don't know if I'm gonna make it in to work today.

Oh, why?

I'm just not... I'm not feeling well.

Oh, really? What-what is it?

Um... my ovaries are eking out into my fallopian tubes, and they're wrapped around...

You know what? We'll see you when you're feeling better.

Yeah. Okay, thanks.

Wow. Men are stupid.

(knocking)

Come in.

(door opens)

Paula: Darryl said your uterus exploded.

You know, if that's true, should probably go to the hospital or something.

I know what this is. This is Chan-itus.

Again, I just moved here for a change. I didn't move here for Josh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I got it...

West Covina. Pretzel...

Got it.

Okay.

Fine. You know, I'll admit it.

I want to be his friend.

Okay? Sue me. But now his stupid, dum-dum-face girlfriend has officially barred him from being alone with me.

Yeah, I saw that coming.

I don't know what to do.

Well, that's okay, 'cause I do.

Huh? Oh, come on.

It's a classic dilemma.

How do you see your crush...

I mean, friend... without pissing off his girlfriend, and look fabu in a super-tight low-cut dress in the process?

There's a solution, a loophole.

It is in every teen movie ever made.

It's a car wash?

Throw a big party!

No.

What?

Yes, throw a big party.

That way, when Josh comes, you're not technically alone with him, and then he can't get in trouble!

Okay, I see your logic...

Very sound logic, um, but I don't do that.

I don't throw parties. It's not a thing I do.

I go to parties.

Okay. Why?

(sighs) Oh, God, um... it's, like, a super long story.

Okay, um, ooh...

So, when I was 12...

Paula: Okay.

No, no. I don't have time for this.

What happened? The tissues fell out of your training bra?

You period-ed on a white couch? We've all been there.

I period-ed on an ultra suede settee in 1987 at Roberta Janatelli's condo, and I got to tell you, it was still a great party.

I wrapped a sweater around my waist, then hooked up with Bobby Henderson anyway.

And started the whole, um, sweater-around-the-waist trend while I was at it.

So, you're welcome.

Paula, you don't understand what I am saying.

I need you to listen to me, okay?

This was the worst party of all time.

So, I invited everyone in my grade to come over to my house and watch the pay-per-view concert of my favorite boy band, Room Temperature.

So, I threw this party, and this is how many people showed up.

(dinging)

Concert starts in ten minutes!

Who's psyched?!

Well, that was a tepid response.

(laughs) Get it?

It's a temperature joke.

And then it happened.

Woman: Keep your voice down. She's having a party.

Man: You call that a party? That's her and her three loser friends.

You couldn't even throw her a decent party!

Woman: Well, then why don't you call your whore and ask her what she would do?!

Um, they're just rehearsing a play called The Worst Parents Ever.

It's going up at the Westchester Community Playhouse.

That's it. I've had it.

Hey, I'll get you tickets. Who wants tickets?

If you walk out that door, I don't ever want to see you again!

Is that a promise? Yes!

Can I get that in writing?! Yes!

Good luck, kiddo.

I got to get out of here.

Woman: Don't you dare.

Don't you dare.

(yelling): Don't you dare!

(door closes)

(panting)

(door closes)

(voice breaking): Don't tell anybody at school about this, okay?

Oh, my God.

It's the root of all my party fears.

Actually, it's the root of all my fears, period.

Babe, you don't think that I get being afraid?

I wake up every morning in cold sweats worried that I'm wasting my entire life with a man who spends all his time with a barbershop quartet called The West Brovinas.

No, you never told me the name.

Yes.

And my children... I mean, their only hope is that they get into a really good gang.

I mean, honey, I am scared every day of my life.

But you can be brave. I know you can.

All you got to do is stand up to your fears, do you understand?

I understand you in theory.

Listen to me. His GF is out of town.

The moment is now!

Or is it, like, some time other than now?

Like...

Shh... !

♪ I used to be afraid ♪
♪ Of so much in this world ♪
♪ I'd tiptoe through each day ♪
♪ Like some frightened little girl ♪
♪ Then one day I realized ♪
♪ I can't just run and hide from life ♪
♪ Now if someone pulls a gun on me ♪
♪ I pull out my knife! ♪

I don't follow.

Sit on my lap like I'm Santa and listen to me.

♪ Face your fears ♪
♪ Stare them down ♪
♪ Don't be scared ♪
♪ Stand your ground ♪
♪ 'Cause nothing is as scary as it appears ♪
♪ All you gotta do is face your fears ♪

Okay, I think I'm starting to get it... what you're talk...

♪ If a bear runs at you in the woods ♪
♪ Don't run away ♪

Yeah, I'm back here. Sing to me.

♪ Look it deep in the eyes ♪
♪ Put your hand on its chest and say ♪
♪ “Bear, I'm not afraid” ♪

Well, that's just dangerous.

♪ If you're in a burning building ♪
♪ And smoke is everywhere ♪
♪ Keep calm, take a deep breath ♪
♪ And stay right there! ♪

That's not how smoke or fire works.

Shh.

♪ Face your fears ♪
♪ Run with scissors ♪

Whoa.

♪ 'Cause you can fly ♪
♪ Yes, you can fly ♪
♪ Fly out of a window ♪

Who are you singing to?

♪ Fly off a building ♪
♪ Just believe in yourself ♪
♪ Face your fears ♪

Okay, I have so many problems...

♪ 'Cause the children are the future ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Face your fears ♪
♪ Face your fears ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Follow your dreams ♪

♪ Follow your dreams ♪

♪ Stare at the sun ♪

♪ Stare at the sun ♪

♪ Play in the street ♪
♪ A busy street ♪

♪ If you're ♪
♪ Scared of bees ♪

♪ If you're scared of bees ♪

♪ Get stung ♪

♪ Don't have an EpiPen ready ♪
♪ Reach for the stars ♪
♪ Literally touch a star ♪
♪ Face your fears ♪

♪ Stars aren't that hot ♪
♪ Face your fears ♪
♪ Face your fears ♪
♪ Join the Marines ♪
♪ Join the Marines ♪

♪ Swim ♪
♪ Right after eating ♪
♪ Don't wait ♪

♪ 30 minutes ♪

♪ 'Cause you are amazing ♪
♪ So amazing ♪

♪ Wipe ♪
♪ Back to front ♪

♪ Don't wipe front to back ♪

♪ Drop out of school ♪

♪ School is stupid ♪

♪ All you got to ♪
♪ Do... ♪

Is face my fears?

♪ Is face your... ♪

Fears, I-I got it.

♪ Fears... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah. That was, like, really convincing.

I mean, like, kind of disturbing but also convincing.

Yeah, you're right, Paula.

Now that I've run all this through the logic processor, like, of course my dad isn't gonna walk out on me again.

So... yes?

Yes!

Ooh, yes! Ah, good!

Okay, pity party over. Let's throw a real party!

Aah! I'm horrified.

Game plan. Okay.

But let's do it!

Yeah. Yay!

(humming softly)

Oh, you know what would be awesome?

We need salt.

Um, since it's Weekend Tuesday, um, can we just go home?

(chuckles) See, it's Weekend Tuesday, but it's not the real weekend.

Now, look, Bill, why don't you put on that sombrero and then head on back to work?

Right.

Right?

Weekend Tuesday.

So, the first thing we need to do is choose a theme.

Don't worry about that. I have planned a million parties in my life.

I will take care of that part.

You handle the invites.

Okay.

Okay?

Ladies, are you working on the Castwick case?

Because it's...

Weekend Tuesday, Darryl.

Okay.

Yeah.

No. Sorry. You're right.

I may not have thought this day through.

Paula: Hey, Brendan, have you seen that tablecloth with the roses on it?

What? Haven't seen it.

Hey, what have I said about the katana on the table?

Or... you could just stare at me like a serial killer.

Scott?

Scott!

(humming)

Scott!

Huh? Huh?

What? Sorry. We have the semifinals coming up against the Glendorables.

They're the a-cappella group from Glendora.

They're the best in the state. (humming)

Okay, I'm looking for that white tablecloth that we have, the one with the roses on it.

Yeah, I saw it.

(gasps) Great!

Where is it?

I threw it out. (humming)

Wait! You threw it out? That was from our wedding.

I gave it to Goodwill when you asked me to clean out the cabinet.

Okay, well, if I asked you to take out the recyclables, would you throw out our wedding album?

'Cause it is partly made of paper.

I don't know what you're asking me.

(humming)

You know, the world doesn't revolve around barbershop.

Nothing revolves around barbershop!

Not even a revolving barbershop pole revolves around barbershop.

This damn teacher. Teacher's...

(groans) Stupid...

What's up, Tommy?

I have a test tomorrow, and I don't know any of this stuff.

I'm stupid.

You are not stupid.

You are in the highest percentiles of kids with ADHD and OCD and SAD and a panic disorder and restless leg syndrome...

Mom, I'm gonna fail the test.

You're not. I know you're not.

Look, just, you know, don't be afraid and-and face your fears.

Run with scissors, you know?

What?

That's bad advice, Mom.

Rebecca (singsongy): Hey!

It's a house warming, get it?

Yeah. No, I get it. I get it. It's just, you know, it kind of looks like you're going to light your house on fire.

No.

No, I don't see that. Mm-mm.

Okay.

Whatever. You know what, it's gonna be fine.

Do you promise?

Yes, I promise.

You got this.

Okay? You are a smart, confident woman who's in charge of her own destiny.

That sounds like a tampon commercial. But you know... you know where I'm going with this, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, now, who you gonna pass these out to?

Oh, come on, you know people. You know people since you've been here. You go to that spinning class.

You have people in your apartment complex.

Yeah... No, no, you're right.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I definitely know a lot of people.

Tons of people.

I'm psyched! (chuckles)

God, this time's gonna be totally different.

You're right. It's not like seventh grade at all.

♪ ♪
♪ I have friends, I definitely have friends ♪
♪ No one can say that I do not have friends ♪
♪ I have friends, I definitely have friends ♪
♪ Friends, friends, friendly friends ♪
♪ Time to meet my friends ♪

I'm Patty!

(shyly): Luan.

Jason and I'm super into Dance Dance Revolution!

Girl with mustache!

Boy with port-wine stain!

Janitor who lives in an RV behind the school.

♪ I have friends, I definitely have friends ♪

Rebecca: Oh, yeah!

♪ I have friends, I definitely have friends ♪
♪ Objectively, I can say that I have all the friends ♪
♪ I have friends, I definitely have friends ♪
♪ Friends, friends, friendly friends ♪
♪ Time to meet my friends ♪

I'm Paula!

Darryl!

Lady who hit your car!

Friend of friend from law school?

Grocery clerk with half an eyelid!

Both: ♪ We have friends, we definitely have friends ♪
♪ No one can say that we do not have friends ♪
♪ We have friends, we definitely have friends ♪
♪ Friends, friends, friendly friends ♪
♪ We have all the friends ♪ Cool!

It went great. I think lots of cool people are gonna come.

Yeah. Everybody loved my flyer.

Oh, and, B-T-dubs, nobody thought it looked like a house burning down, so, you know...

Nice. I knew you could do it, girl.

(quietly): Now you just got to get Josh and his friends.

On it, doin' it, crushin' it, bye.

Hey, Chris, you seen Chan?

S-Sorry, what was that?

Have you seen Josh Chan?

Nah, but you're lookin' sweet.

Thank you, young man.

I'm lookin' sweet.

(sighs)

Hi, Greg.

Put those things away. You're gonna poke a kid's eye out.

(chuckles) You're funny.

You're funny in that way that I'm sure other people like.

Wow. Charming on you looks really great.

Okay, let's start over. Look, I know that you're probably a little, like, miffed at me from the way things went down at Spiders the other night.

Um, as I remember it, you weren't too thrilled with me either.

I was gonna apologize for that, and then I forgot.

But I'm sorry.

So let's just move on. I'm here to invite you to the biggest event of the season.

A party.

Wow. A flyer.

Is it also, like, a church bake sale, too?

It's gonna be so fun. And I actually...

I really would like you to come.

Let's review. We've been out twice.

The first time, we kissed and then you started crying.

The second time, you kissed a girl, she didn't like it, and she left crying. We don't have a good track record here.

Dude, like, that actually really hurts my feelings, because I consider you to be one of my best friends here.

What?

Yeah, I do.

True, we've had some “altercations,” if that's what you call them, yeah, but that's the hallmark of, like, a strong friendship, you know?

Saying the worst possible things to each other and then going to a party.

Wow. It is so tempting.

It is so tempt... No.

Okay. Wow. Okay.

You know, I tried extending the olive branch to you, and you just took those olives and you plucked 'em and you chopped them up into a tapenade of reproach...

You know what, never mind. I don't care anymore.

Um, good-bye.

(exhales)

(quietly): Face your fears.

Hey, Josh, do you want to come to a party?

I'm throwing a... party. You should come.

No way! That's awesome!

Yeah. See? This is how a human being responds to another human being's party invitation.

You're not a human being.

Oh, just throw a barb at me and then go to the stockroom. Real mature.

He's so immature. Sorry about that.

We have kind of a... like, a Sam and Diane thing going on, except it's, um, unpleasant and un-sexy.

Yeah, so it's just gonna be a... housewarming shindig with a-a gaggle of peeps.

And I thought that, you know, Valencia would be cool with it since we won't technically be alone.

Right?

Huh.

So do you think you might make it?

Sure.

Oh, huzzah!

(chuckles)

I mean, that's super... that's super cool, just 'cause, like, it's gonna be really chill. Yeah.

Cool. And maybe you could bring, Yeah.

Uh, Hector and White Josh?

Oh, man. They're out of town.

Surf championship in Redondo.

But I'm sure you have other people to invite, right?

Yeah. No, I'm-I'm inviting, like... so many people.

So, um, I will... I'll see you at my party?

Sure.

Okay. Cool.

Cool. I'll see you there.

Hi.

No solicitors.

Oh, no, no. I live next-door, remember?

Oh... yeah.

Yeah, it's me. You know, I was going around, introducing myself, handing out those croissants that I made.

Yeah, I remember you. (sighs)

Look, just as a tip, we don't... actually, like, talk to each other around here.

That guy has lived next-door to me for, like, 11 years, and, like, I say “guy,” but honestly, it could be, like... a stack of cats in a jumpsuit.

Okay.

Appreciate the info.

But... I like to consider myself a bridge builder, and I feel like you and I could shake things up around here.

Yeah, no, I don't see that happening, but anyways... nice to meet you, stack of cats in a... shirt.

Wait, wait!

The reason I'm here is I want to invite you to an awesome party.

It's gonna be full-on. It's gonna be full-on!

And I really want you to be there, 'cause you're the coolest person I think I've ever met.

Um, so I would like you to come to it.

But I'm sensing the slightest undercurrent of resistance, so now I'm kind of...

What time should I come over?

Wait. You want to come?

Not to party or anything, but just, like... to watch you.

Okay.

I kind of think you're fascinating, actually.

And I'm taking abnormal psych at the JC, and I think... you would make, like, a really good paper.

Why, thank you, madam.

Yeah, see, like that.

That would just... be, like, an “A” right there. Like, done.

♪ It's the sexy getting-ready song... ♪

Hi.

(singsongy): Look what I have!

Oh.

Isn't it amaz... ? It's like a box of fantastic-ness.

Okay, so instead of having just one theme, we're having all of the themes.

And we even have... a Valentine's Day piñata.

Okay, you know what, yeah, it's, like, hipster-y and ironic.

Like, I could see, like, a BuzzFeed article about it.

Okay, cool. I'm down, I'm down.

Okay, let's go over the guest list.

So we got Josh, my super cool neighbor Heather, Darryl...

No!

Uh, you know...

Why do you hate me?

What can I do?

Come on. He's sad.

All right. I know.

Um, Mrs. Hernandez was trending positive...

I can never tell with her.

And let's see. Oh, a lot of the people I handed the flyer to didn't, like, technically say yes, but they gave me a look, like, “Oh, I'm there.”

(phone chimes)

Nice!

Yeah. Yeah. Good for you.

Oh, no.

What?

What? Is it about the party?

Are people not coming? Is it Josh?

Is Josh not coming? Wait, why does Josh have your number?

No, no, it's-it's Tommy, okay?

There's something going on at the school.

I have to run over...

What?! No, you can't... no, you can't leave... The party's in an hour.

This was your idea.

What am I gonna do if you're not here? I have no one helping me. You can't leave for some stupid child thing!

I'm sorry, that's really insensitive.

Look, the point is, I get it.

It's your child. But please come back soon. Look, I'm just gonna go, I'm gonna take care of this hassle, I'm gonna turn right back around, okay? I promise I will be back soon. Boop.

Liar.

(quietly): You stole the test?

What? You wanted me to face my fears, and I was afraid of getting a bad grade on my test.

Why weren't you afraid of getting caught?

Well, I was, but thanks to you, I overcame that fear.

(door opens)

(exhales)

Mrs. Proctor.

Good luck. He's mean.

(exhales): Oh, my God.

Let me be frank.

Tommy has every issue in the book, so I'm afraid we're going to have to transfer him to a special program in Riverside.

But that's, like, an hour away!

We moved to this crap town because us the schools.

I'm sorry, do you have somewhere more important to be?

No, of course not. I-I...

The transfer hearing is Monday.

Y... You can't do this.

He's-he's been diagnosed with so many things.

(stammering)

He just, he needs help.

I'll see you Monday.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

(doorbell rings)

Hi!

Here's a present.

Those are good until midnight.

(scoffs) Oh, man! I thought the house was literally gonna be on fire.

(exhales)

You were right... He's terrifying.

He made me forget everything I was gonna say.

Are you mad at me?

You stole a test, you... ding-dong.

Of course I'm mad at you.

(sighs)

We'll figure something out.

(phone vibrating)

(soft gasp) Oh.

Okay, come on, I will take you home, but we got to stop somewhere along the way.

Hey!

I have terrible news.

Josh isn't coming?

No. He's coming... to this.

Party like it's Weekend Tuesday!

Huh?

This. This is what Josh is going to walk into.

Nobody came.

I handed out all those flyers, and nobody showed up.

Even Mrs. Hernandez bagged.

What's she doing on a Friday night?

♪ ♪
♪ ♪ (panting)

This is exactly what I thought was gonna happen.

You were wrong, Paula.

This is exactly how it felt when my father left.

My life is just about to fall apart, just like it did when I was 12 years old. When Josh walks in here, he's gonna walk out just like my dad did, and he's never gonna come back.

Don't panic. How long do we have?

We have 20 minutes.

He texted me that he would be here in 20 minutes.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna call him, and I'm gonna say that the party's canceled... That's the easy solution.

I'm just gonna say the pa...

No. No, no. Hey, no! We are not gonna give in to fear... We're gonna stand up.

My advice works... damn it, and I am gonna prove it.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna be back in 19 minutes with guests, lots of 'em.

You just need to do the best you can to make it look like you are having a great time!

Clerk: Oh, no, no, no, no offense taken.

A lot of people think it's a congenital thing, but actually...

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. But actually, I lit a cigarette using a gas burner.

So not very smart, right?

Lesson learned.

Darryl: Oh, that must have been horrible for you.

Clerk: Oh, yeah.

The smell alone was a nightmare.

Okay, party people, let's all have a dance party by the windows!

♪ ♪

I'm not much of a dancer.

Oh, yeah!

Why the windows?

Whoo!

We are raising the roof over here!

Man: Shut up!

Come over!

No!

Tommy: Hey, look... people! Lots of people!

Paula: Oh, something anonymous just got out.

I'll take 'em!

Are you guys drunks?

Gamblers.

Perfect!

Oh! Is that all you got, you wuss?

Hey, I don't care for that word.

Oh, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss.

Hey, Josh, it's me, Rebecca.

Um, so I-I think I had some of that weird garbage disposal chicken, um, and I'm not feeling so hot, so I've decided to cancel the party.

I hope that you have a good... Friday night. Um...

Hi!

Hey!

Hi!

Hi!

Oh. Hey, what's up?

Hello.

It's so good to see you.

Welcome.

Uh, thanks.

Nice to see you.

Do you want to maybe go for a walk around the block?

I have to go get some cigarettes.

I'm a smoker.

Yeah, big smoker.

Um...

What?

(sighs)

What?

Whoa.

What happened here?

Um...

Okay, so... it's more of, like, an intimate soiree... now, because I thought that a party would be too tacky.

(sighs): Um...

No, that's not what I thought.

Okay, so you know how I, I wanted to throw this big party?

Uh-huh. I handed out a ton of flyers... and nobody came.

Wait. You're upset... about this?

I threw a party... and nobody came.

(laughing)

I know, it's hilarious.

Of course! You just moved into town, you banana.

Of course you don't have a million friends.

You know, that'd be weird if you did.

If there had been a ton of people here, it would seem like you just invited random people you didn't know.

Oh, my God, that'd be so weird.

Yeah, totally.

Don't be sad, Becks.

You have a lot of cool stuff going on in your life.

Great job, um, sweet apartment, plus... you're, like, a kick-ass career gal.

(chuckles) Well, I... I am a prime earner at Whitefeather already.

Yeah, damn straight you are. Whatever that is.

I mean, you're crushing it.

Look at you.

You just moved to town, you throw a big party.

You're fearless.

Oh. (chuckles)

I am.

You know, Becks, if you really wanted more people at your party, that's easy... any idiot can do that.

(scoffs)

Is... that what you want?

Sweet. Let's do it.

All right, get over here, guys. You, Dreads, over here. You, Fun Guy, I need you over... yeah.

You're gonna wear my shades. Awesome sauce.

You, Mr. Tall Man, you stand there.

Okay, now the key to a good party selfie is attitude... what?! Yes!

Swag.

Ooh.

Good.

(laughs) That's good. Okay, and... a killer smile.

Ready guys? (laughs) That's good. Ok, come on...

Say “selfie.”

All: Selfie... !

Ha!

Ha-ha! Then we post this puppy online.

And write: "This house is on fire!"

Exclam-Exclamation point. Ah... send!

Then we see what happens. Huh.

(knocking on door)

Who's ready to party... ?!

(shouts, cheers, whoops)

You got dice?

I can find some! (whoops)

Oh, uh, this is Arielle and Chuck.

And this guy!

Hi. What-What's his name?

I don't know, I just call him “this guy”"

I've known him since kindergarten.

Yeah, I'm just so bad in school.

Dude, let me tell you something right now.

Being good at school means nothing.

Like, see her?

Oh, do it, do it! You got it!

She went to Harvard.

Okay?

And she's a mess.

Yeah. Dude, I was horrible at school, but that's because instead of reading their stupid books, I was busy reading everything Salinger ever wrote.

And you're, like, totally successful and rich now, right?

Not at all.

But I'm cool, and that's what really matters.

I like you. I like you so...

I, can I... can I just, just grab it? There you go. It's fine.

It's my personal boundaries...

We're fine. I swallowed the barf!

Oh, she swallowed the barf!

I swallowed my barf!

She swallowed the barf!

♪ ♪

Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God.

You know, at first, I had my doubts about this party.

I mean, it's no Weekend Tuesday, you know what I'm saying?

But now? I mean, this is a blast.

Oh, and I even met this great girl Megan who said she found your flyer in a gutter.

Oh, she's such a good listener.

And I told her all about my divorce.

But I think she's from England, because, I mean, her teeth are not good. But she gave me this terrific menthol cigarette.

(inhales) Mmm.

Um...

I think Megan might be a meth addict.

Oh, yeah? I think you maybe just smoked meth.

Oh. Okay. Well, you know, that'd explain why I've been digging a hole in the backyard for the last hour. (laughs) But it's still fun!

Hey, Megan, honey, let's clean something. (whoops)

Greg: Wow.

This party is a real who's-who of... who?

Well, if it isn't Mr. I Can't Come to Your Party Because I Have a Bunch of Complicated Reasons, I Probably Have to Buy More Black Clothing, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.

That's a long name I have. Polish?

All right.

Sincerely, thank you for coming.

It means a lot to me that you're here.

Well, you took all my customers.

I usually get the gamblers after their meeting.

Then I started thinking, “I've got to show up to this party to see in what gruesome way it could all go wrong.”

I figured at least a porch collapse.

But, now that I'm here...

It's not that bad.

Yeah, it's pretty great, right?

And I have one person to thank for that.

Hey, girl.

I know that as a kid you never got to see that boy band concert on pay-per-view.

But it's okay.

Because I'm here now.

And I'm all the boy band you'll ever need.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Girl, I know things haven't always ♪
♪ Been so easy for you ♪
♪ Kids were mean and your daddy ♪
♪ Walked right out the door, too ♪
♪ Maybe we should have a session ♪
♪ Address your anxiety and depression ♪
♪ 'Cause I got a funny feeling if we do ♪
♪ Baby, you can ♪
♪ Kiss all your childhood traumas goodbye ♪

(audience shrieking)

♪ You're never gonna miss ♪
♪ All that stress you've been ♪
♪ Keeping inside ♪
♪ All your psychological problems ♪
♪ Girl, we're gonna solve them ♪
♪ 'Cause we're not just a boy band ♪
♪ Made up of four Joshes ♪
♪ We're also a team of licensed ♪
♪ Mental health professionals ♪
♪ We'll help you ♪
♪ Understand the reasons ♪
♪ That your mom made you sad ♪
♪ And why every man you date ♪
♪ Is just a stand-in for your dad ♪
♪ You'll stop revisiting your fears ♪
♪ Once we wipe away your tears ♪
♪ Trust us, girl, your prognosis isn't bad ♪

(screams)

♪ Baby, you can kiss ♪
♪ All your unexplained ♪
♪ Symptoms good-bye ♪
♪ You're never gonna miss all those nightmares ♪
♪ In which you tend to die ♪
♪ We'll get you through those developmental stages ♪
♪ That you've been stuck in for ages ♪
♪ 'Cause we're not just ♪
♪ A boy band made up of four Joshes ♪
♪ We're also a team of nationally recognized ♪
♪ Mental health professionals ♪
♪ Trained in cognitive behavioral therapy ♪
♪ With specialties in ♪
♪ Personality and sleep disorders ♪
♪ And love. ♪

(Josh speaking indistinctly)

Josh: And the guy is like, “Me, I'm fine.

See that girl over there”"

(phone dings)

_

♪ Everything is A-OK ♪
♪ So everybody say... ♪

Um... is everything okay?

Uh... no, it's... it's-it's not important.

I-I can get back to them later.

I am having a blast right now.

Great.

Yeah.

Great.

So...

I should go.

Tommy just called us an Uber.

'Cause I am... wuz-asted.

Which is a word I just learned playing pai gow with a charming man from Azusa.

Boop. (laughs)

You threw a great party.

No. We threw a great party.

(both grunt)

And you...

You are a brave little cookie.

Okay. Come on. Show Mommy where the front door is.

Clerk: Hey, so, thanks for the party. Real fun.

And I'll see you at the store, Betsy.

Actually, my name is Rebecca.

Don't care.

Hey, um...

I saw that you got a text from Valencia earlier.

I hope I'm not causing any problems.

No, no, no, no. I realized, you know, I-I shouldn't have listened to her.

I shouldn't be afraid of my girlfriend, right?

So I told her, “I'll-I'll come home when I want to.”

Actually, it was a little scary.

Yeah. Actually, you know, I-I faced a fear earlier and turned out pretty okay.

You know, from now on, uh, since we're friends, we should just, you know, hang out whenever we want to, don't you think?

Yeah. That...

I mean, yeah. Let's do it.

The world be damned.

All right, yeah.

Wha... It's just...

Well, I got to go.

Yeah, yeah, let's get you out of here. I'll-I'll... don't worry about that.

Oh. It was a great party.

Thanks. Thank you.

This house was on fire!

Oh!

(laughs) Yeah!

Oh, I get it. Oh.

Later.

Later.

Sooner rather than... (laughs)

(door closes) Uh, hi.

I didn't know you were still here.

I thought you already left.

(chuckles) Oh, I don't leave when there's whiskey left.

Oh.

Hey, you know what?

Take it home.

That's my gift to you.

Thank you.

You know, I get it now.

What do you get?

How you feel about Josh.

I saw it on your face.

It was weird and sad and... also kind of beautiful in a pure and un-ironic way.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Josh and I are just friends.

You guys are just friends.

We guys are just friends.

Everyone guys are just friends.

Okay, okay.

Drunkie.

Drunkie.

Let's call you... whoa!

Let's get a ride-sharing service, right?

You know, you're really starting to fit in here.

Thank you.

That's not a compliment.

I can't do this.

Yes, you can. And I'll be right here, I promise.

What if I forget all the stuff I'm supposed to say?

You are not kicking Tommy out.

I know what my rights are.

'Cause I looked 'em up.

And there is a statute and it is called... the fair access rule.

And if you expel Tommy, then you are... liable for a $26,000-per year stipend for... special education.

If you drop the transfer hearing, then... I will let you off the hook.

See, this is your problem: I'm not afraid of you anymore.

(laughs)

That is right.

(knocks)

Young Rebecca: That went well.

Much better than I thought.

So tell me some other stuff about my future.

Okay, so you're gonna go to Harvard and Yale.

Yeah, yeah, so when exactly do I get those boobs?

Oh. Um, I think age 14?

I see.

So, at Yale, you're gonna be editor in chief of the law journal.

Sounds great. Back to the boobs for a second, when you say 14, are we talking by my birthday party?

Are we talking swimsuit season?

Also, do they float?

Yeah.

Nice! Girl with Mustache owes me ten dollars.