01x08 - My Mom, Greg's Mom and Josh's Sweet Dance Moves

("We wish you a merry Christmas" playing)

(Humming)

(Sighs)

("We wish you a merry Christmas" stops)

(Clarinet plays jaunty tune)

Chanukah.

Hanukah.

Hanuk-kah.

Which one of you is right?

(Sighs)

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ and so I decided to move ♪
♪ to west Covina, California ♪
♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ she's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪
♪ what? No, I'm not. ♪
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

♪ C-r-a-z-y ♪

Okay! We get it!

(indistinct chatter)

I hate being a grown-up during the holidays. Work has me on double shifts this week. I'm not even gonna get to go to the winter wonderland. Gonna miss the fake snow, the fake presents, the fake trees.

That's the real Christmas.

Dude, have a nog.

I feel you. The holidays can suck.

I have to spend the day shopping for gifts for my mother who walked out on me and my evil twin half-siblings.

Geez, why do they need more toys?

Nutmeg me.

I don't know.

Maybe 'cause they're greedy. 'Cause they're brats.

From Beverly Hills. 'Cause they're terrible human beings.

It's the one day of the year my mother trots out Greg.

"Everybody, come gather round.

"Greg works in a bar.

Tell us what it's like to be poor, Greg."

Man, the holidays blow when you're old.

(Scoffs) I'm not even allowed to sit on Santa's lap anymore.

Uh, that's just one of the coaches dressed up.

He'll probably let you.

♪ ♪

(Elevator bell dings)

Oh, by the way, happy holidays.

Oh.

Or should I say, "chag sameach"?

You a little phlegmy there?

No. That's "happy hanukkah" in Hebrew.

Oh. I'm very tight with my Krav Maga instructor, Gilad.

(Grunting)

He's killed people with his thighs.

Yes, the Sabras are a fierce people.

So, I heard back from the San Gabriel county commission, Mm-hmm. - And they said, since there are no indigenous wildlife in your proposed industrial park other than a pigeon...

But screw pigeons... You're free to build.

You are amazing.

I have attorneys in major cities all over this world...

Cincinnati, Shreveport, Tallahassee...

And you are numero Uno.

Grazie, signore. Mmm.

Oh. Paula.

Hey. Calvin.

Hey.

How's everything?

How's that new grief support group?

Well, uh, they serve a substandard cheddar and generic chocolate chip cookies, but the sharing and...

The grieving is great.

(Chuckles) Oh, okay.

I need a moment. Excuse me.

(Exhales)

I can't believe I almost slept with that guy. Yeah.

Hey, wait a second. You're wearing panty hose. Ew.

(Gasps) Is that because your mom is coming?

Well, I just don't want her to complain and kvetch about how I'm not wearing panty hose.

And I just... I just want to shut it down. - Okay.

Also, again, I'm not trying to please her. Or anyone.

Sure.

But when you meet her, don't mention that Josh Chan lives here.

Because if she hears that, she might get the wrong idea and think that I moved here for him.

Which you did.

Not.

Okay, well, I'll do my best, but I'm not gonna magically change to please your mother.

That's not what I'm trying to do.

It's not?

I'm not trying to please her.

I'm not even picking her up from the airport.

I offered, but she said I drive like the grandma she's starting to think she'll never be.

Come on.

I can see right through you. You are a mom pleaser.

A level five mom pleaser.

You will say anything to make that woman happy.

That's not true. That's not...

That's not true at all.

Young Rebecca: Morning, mom!

Poached eggs, slightly hard. Your favorite!

I'm three pounds over. We're not eating eggs.

What are you talking about? You don't look any pounds over.

You look great.

You know, I was talking to Principal Kessler, and he said he thought you were the prettiest and youngest mom in my whole grade.

Just your grade?

No, no, no. He said the whole school.

Why are you even telling me this?

Principal Kessler's married.

But I heard his wife is frigid.

Go on.

All right, I used to be a mom pleaser, but I'm not anymore.

I'm not gonna lie to feed into her dysfunction.

Who cares? Who cares what an old lady thinks about your life?

Not me! I'm a grown-up!

Yes. And nothing sells that better than yelling, "I'm a grown-up!"

♪ ♪

(Doorbell rings, knocking)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

♪ Where's the bathroom? ♪
♪ Where's the bathroom? I need to use the bathroom ♪
♪ tell me that you have a bathroom ♪
♪ in this hovel you call home ♪
♪ I don't know which was bumpier ♪
♪ the plane ride or the taxi ♪
♪ all these freeways are a nightmare ♪
♪ where's my purse? I need my comb ♪
♪ by the way ♪
♪ you're looking healthy and by healthy, I mean chunky ♪
♪ I don't mean that as an insult ♪
♪ I'm just stating it as fact ♪
♪ I see your eczema is back ♪
♪ are you using the lotion that I sent you? ♪
♪ If you're not gonna use it, I'll return it to the store ♪
♪ God, I give you everything ♪
♪ and still you just want more, more, more, more, more ♪
♪ where's the bathroom? Where's the bathroom? ♪
♪ You haven't told me where your bathroom is ♪

It's upstairs.

♪ Okay, fine, I need the walk ♪
♪ well, your house is dot, dot, dot charming ♪
♪ though some florals wouldn't kill you ♪
♪ do you ever get a maid here? ♪
♪ It's so nice to sit and talk ♪
♪ since when do you have a vendetta against vases? ♪
♪ When did you stop wearing makeup? ♪
♪ Are you sure that you're not gay? ♪
♪ I'd still love you if you were gay ♪
♪ it would explain this vase vendetta ♪
♪ please just tell me if you're gay ♪

Again, I am not gay!

♪ Don't interrupt me ♪
♪ you're always with the talking ♪
♪ I just got off a plane ♪
♪ give me a moment to catch my breath ♪
♪ it's the least you can do ♪
♪ since you lived inside me ♪
♪ for nine months, and you still ♪
♪ haven't told me ♪
♪ where the hell your stupid bathroom is ♪

Again, it's upstairs!

Oh, right. Thank you.

♪ ♪

(Toilet flushes)

♪ You call that a bathroom? ♪
♪ That's what passes for a bathroom? ♪
♪ There were no bowls of rocks ♪
♪ or any decorative soaps ♪
♪ you don't even have a bath mat, who doesn't ♪
♪ have a bath mat? If you need a bath mat, I can... oh ♪
♪ did you hear? A bishop in Wisconsin ♪
♪ said something anti-semitic so the temple has decided ♪
♪ to boycott cheddar cheese ♪
♪ everyone asks how you're doing ♪
♪ "how is wittle Becky? Is she still a big-shot lawyer?" ♪
♪ and to that I just say, "please" ♪
♪ you won't get a husband this way ♪
♪ at least you have your career ♪
♪ oh, wait, you threw out your career ♪
♪ to chase this California dream ♪
♪ I wasted all that dough on Harvard and Yale ♪
♪ for you to be ♪
♪ living in a dump in nowhere, USA ♪
♪ getting fatter by the minute on this greasy goyish food ♪
♪ just put my luggage in my room ♪
♪ could I get a glass of water? ♪
♪ I'll be back in a moment ♪
♪ I need to use the bathroom ♪
♪ again! ♪

(Sighs) It's so hot in California right now.

I can tolerate the Christmas crap when there's snow on the ground, a nip in the air. (Chuckles)

You know, your frenemy, Audra Levine, she just bought a country house upstate.

It is so cozy.

Now, she knows how to do winter.

You know, mom, I know this place is different, but once you get to know it, I think you're really gonna like it.

For the life of me, honey, I don't understand why you moved here.

Do you have one good reason?

What is so good about California?

You know, mom, it's not very nice to, like, blow in here with a bunch of criticisms.

Okay, okay. I'm exhausted.

Yeah, why are you going to sleep right now?

It's still light out. In New York, it's way past my bedtime. I already took my sleeping pill.

For once, put yourself in my shoes.

(Sighs)

("Jingle Bells" playing)

The mall's about to close.

I just need to grab something for two kids who are either six or, uh... maybe they're 15?

You are a terrible father.

Hey, I know you.

You're Rebecca's neighbor, right?

I met you at her party.

Oh. You got really drunk, and then you slow-danced with that giant fish.

(Giggles): Oh.

That didn't happen.

No, it did... I have pictures.

I saw you ask it to go home with you.

Does this present say, "our mom sucks, but I'm gonna try very hard not to hold it against you"?

No. It says you're old and still think kids play outside.

Right.

So, do you need a gift for your mom, too?

Uh, no. I'm gonna get her the same gift I get her every year: My presence at her overly lavish Christmas Eve Eve dinner.

Wait. Overly lavish? Big holiday dinner?

What's the meat sitch? Turkey, ham, roast beef, shrimp, salmon?

Oh, all of it. It's so over the top, it's embarrassing.

Can you bring someone?

Okay, just to be clear, I didn't invite you. But...

That's a great idea.

I'll finally have a witness to the insanity.

Right. So what's your name?

♪ ♪

(Horns honking)

(Elevator bell dings)

Okay, mom, this is Whitefeather & Associates.

And yes, those are Christmas decorations.

Where's the menorah? There's no menorah.

Good news. I settled the big parking lot case.

All the plaintiffs are getting four dollars.

If they can find their parking receipts.

Good. Hey, it's good.

Yeah?

Yeah. okay.

Thank you.

He's a good lawyer.

Thanks.

Jim: Spoiler alert.

I'm your secret Santa, Bunch. Two pairs of panty hose, so I don't have to look at those unshaven stems.

Creamy...

And sand storm. (Chuckles)

He's joking because I'm known for always wearing panty hose.

It's a funny joke.

Darryl!

Come meet my mother.

Hi.

Look, this is important.

No one is wearing a Christmas sweater.

Why isn't anyone wearing a Christmas sweater?

It is national Christmas sweater day!

Whatever.

Well?

You said not to criticize, so I'm not criticizing.

Well, that in itself is criticizing.

You know that.

All I know is that I gave up law school and sacrificed my dreams for you, and in New York, you worked in a skyscraper with Audra Levine, and now you are here.

But I support all your wacky decisions, like working here with these losers... (Sighs)

(Echoing): Losers... losers... losers...

Your friends are losers.

Your father is a loser.

You, my dear, are a loser.

(Echoing): loser... loser... loser...

Wait. You think this is where I actually work?

Oh, yes.

I...

I misspoke. I don't work here.

What? - No, no, I'm sorry. God, that was misleading.

I don't work here. I was bringing you by...

What?

(Whispers): I volunteer here part-time.

(Laughs): Oh, my God.

I mentor underprivileged lawyers, and I was bringing my mother by so that they'd feel included.

Underprivileged lawyers?

Underpr...

It's-it's very complicated. It's...

Sounds like an oxymoron.

Hold on. Watch. Um, Whitefeather employees, attention, attention.

It's nice to see your smiling faces out there.

Thank you. I just want to say that I believe in you, you can do anything you set your mind to, and live your dreams. happy holidays.

Okay, let's go.

Let's leave.

That was good.

Get the door. Here you go.

I know I said I wouldn't make any comments, but, uh, I breathe a big sigh of relief that that wasn't your office.

Oh, my gosh, I can't... that is so funny that you thought that was my office.

Uh-huh.

No. My firm, I wish you could see it.

It's over on East Cameron, which is basically the Park Avenue of West Covina.

Yeah, and I would've taken you there, but...

They are closed for Hanukkah.

What?

I work at a very observant Jewish firm, and all of them are in Israel right now, and I was invited, too, but I wanted to be here for you.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, they're mensches. And they're in Mensa.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, my life is just filled with winners.

Specifically, who?

Uh...

Well... The VIP we're having lunch with today.

Who's that?

(Elevator bell dings)

Paula. Paula.

(Snapping fingers) Paula.

Okay, I need you to do me the biggest favor.

I need you to come to lunch with me and my mom and pretend to be someone different, someone, like, fancy.

What?

Thank you so much. Okay, mom likes kitten heels, so change into that, and she also likes Jews.

I guess there's not much you can do about that by lunchtime.

(Imitating siren): Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Level five mom-pleaser alert. Whoo, whoo...

Hey. You're right. You win.

I'm a total mom pleaser. Just make me seem awesome.

Okay?

(Sighs) Turns out my real life is garbage, but my fake life is amazing!

Thank you. You're the best. See you soon.

♪ ♪

(Indistinct chatter)

So, yeah, I had to break up with him. I know.

He was a Saudi prince, but he wouldn't convert, and that's a deal breaker for me.

He was so upset when I told him.

You should have seen his face.

He couldn't drag-race his Porsche for weeks afterward.

Why was a prince in West Covina?

He wanted to buy it.

Lovely man. We still text sometimes.

He owns texting.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

That's a strange wave.

She isn't strange, is she?

You never made the most normal friends.

She's not strange. She's actually...

(British accent): Hello! Lovely to meet you, my dear.

British. She's British.

That's the surprise. Surprise.

(Laughs) Rebecca didn't tell me she had a friend from England.

Now, that's very interesting.

Mmm. Yes.

So, Paula is from London town, I guess.

Uh, and she grew up... on Abbey Road.

Abbey Road?

Yes.

I was literally born on the crosswalk.

(Laughs) My mum couldn't make it to hospital.

(Laughs)

True story.

Well, how do you like it here in...

California?

Oh, California.

California. It's a cultural wasteland.

Yes.

And the way they do holidays here, I mean, it's completely arse about face.

(Laughs) And it is tough to drink hot toddies when you're shvitzing.

(Paula and Naomi laugh)

Oh, I'm Jewish, by the way.

You're Jewish?

Yes.

A British Jew?

Yes!

That is fabulous.

British Jew.

Tea and matzo, anyone?

(Laughs)

You're funny.

Well, since you're British, we must do tea, even if it's iced.

So I'll go tell the waiter.

Lovely.

Waiter! Hello! Hello!

So, you're British.

Yeah.

And you hate California.

Hey. You said to be impressive.

And I took a corporate improv class, and they told us to make bold choices.

So don't you criticize.

I am doing you a huge favor, 'cause you know I don't approve of this whole codependent...

(British accent): Charade. Or your schedule, your aluminium, your vitamins.

Oh, bollocks! It's so difficult to stop once you get started. (Normal voice): Cookie, you don't get it. There is no lie that you can tell this woman that will get her approval.

And it should not matter anyway, because you are not 15.

I know I'm not 15, okay?

Just stop badgering me and pestering me.

God, just give me some space.

Paula, the waiter just told me.

They don't even have English Breakfast tea.

(Gasps) Ghastly.

I bet if you asked him for a crumpet, he would plotz.

(Paula and Naomi laugh)

(Laughs) Rebecca, you finally found a friend who's not a loser.

Finally! After all these... (British accent): Years.

"Years." So-so many...

That's very good. Years.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

(Sighs)

This is pretty cush.

This? It's tacky.

It has no cultural integrity.

Unlike West Covina, which is so historically interesting.

Fair point.

California is vulgar.

(Sighs) You ready to be in the real housewives of the rich and famous?

That's not a show.

I know it's not a show.

Greggy!

Hi...

Oh!

Who's this?

My friend.

It's so nice to meet you. I'm Shauna.

I'm so happy to see the both of you.

I've been dying for Greg to bring some friends around.

Because I have no friends. I got it.

Clocked that. Thanks, Shauna.

I wish you'd call me "mom."

Come on in.

See what I mean?

Monster.

("Deck the halls" playing)

Happy holidays!

Happy holidays!

Baby bartenders. Cool.

The drinks are virgin. We watched, like, 17 YouTube videos on how to make them.

The kids think it's so cool that their big brother works at a bar.

(Chuckles) You know, romanticizing the working class perpetuates economic disparity. Right?

I don't know.

I don't think that's what your mother meant, Greg.

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with working at a bar.

Though, if you don't want to and you wanted to go back to school, Stew and I would be happy to contribute.

Yeah.

Again, I'm not taking any money from you guys.

I'm not a freeloader. Like Mason and Lily.

That's not what I meant.

And-and Mason and Lily are children.

Are they?

(Video game sounds)

So, your fake tree looks so real.

It is real.

Unlike some people's boobs.

Greg, my boobs are real.

Real expensive. (Laughs)

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

What? She's hilarious.

("We Wish you a Merry Christmas" playing)

Um, excuse me.

Are-are you Josh Chan?

Like, the Josh Chan?

I guess so.

I knew it.

You were the captain of my high school's

'06 national championship hip-hop team, right?

(Chuckles) I mean, I pass by that trophy in the hallway, like, every single day.

Wait, didn't you create the swoop bye-bye?

What, you mean this? Ooh, pah-kah-kah-kah.

(Whoops) Look, um, I don't want to bother you, but we're doing a show for winter wonderland.

Would you want to come and check it out? I mean, we still do that number that you choreographed in your senior year. Maybe you could come a little early and give us some tips.

Me? Give you tips?

I don't know if I'm qualified.

(Whoops)

Swoop hello!

So you'll be there?

(Chuckles) I-I have work that day.

Double shift at Aloha Tech.

Man, adult stuff sucks.

Yeah. Yeah. You'll see. (Chuckles)

Well, it was nice to meet you. Uh...

So, uh, yeah, good luck with the show.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Chan.

Oh, it's...

It's-it's just Josh.

Okay, Mr. Josh.


Rebecca: Um, so I know these latkes are frozen and, like, oblong, but they're pretty good.

(Muffled): It's good.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I went on a diet where I didn't eat carbohydrates for months. Mm.

And I looked fabulous, but I passed out at Bloomingdale's.

In the petite department.

(Both laugh)

Ooh.

I got to hit the ladies'.

Room. I ain't no football player.

(Laughing): I love that joke, mom.

(Sighs)

(Door opens and closes)

♪ ♪

Paula, I think my mom is about to give me the Garfinkel ring.

It's been passed down in my family for generations, usually every girl gets it on her 18th birthday, I did not receive it on my 18th birthday, but I think I'm about to get it!

Oh, that stupid ring that your family holds onto like a bunch of hobbits?

Do you really think that bitch is finally gonna hand it over?

Dude, okay, she's not a bitch.

We're actually getting along.

I really think we've turned a corner in our relationship somehow.

Oh, and that ring would be the last seal of approval.

It's that... that final drop of mother's milk.

(Toilet flushes, door opens)

Oh, she's coming.

I don't want her to be mad. Bye!

Time for gifts.

Oh! Wait, I have something for you.

Saw this at the mall, oh.

And I thought: Pretty and elegant, just like my mom.

Thank you.

It's crystal.

A crystal...

Rectal thermometer?

What?

(Laughs): No. No, no. You put your rings on it.

Why would you put your rings on a rectal thermometer?

Again, it's not... it's not a rectal thermometer.

Okay, never mind, never mind.

At least it looks expensive, and, uh, I'm going to, uh, I'm gonna keep it.

And, uh...

Now I've got a gift for you.

You do?

Ready?

Uh-huh. Uh, yes.

Oh. (Laughs)

Open it.

Okay.

Big.

Oh... I ran out this morning.

Now you have your own vase.

I need it. Wonderful.

Thank you.

And...

I brought something else for you, too.

Really?

I brought it from home.

Yeah?

But, um...

Maybe later.

Well, we can do it now.

Right? We can do it...

(Phone ringing) When...

Later.

Uh, hold on. Hold on.

Uh... oh.

Who's that?

He's easy on the eyes.

He's just a client.

But it's the holidays. I don't have to answer.

Let's go back to that ring.

I mean...

(Stammering)

What? Client?

I mean, that's work. That's important.

No, no, please, go ahead.

Okay.

I'll... I'll be just one second.

Hi, Calvin.

What's up?

I see.

You know, I'm... I'm with my mom right now, so I can't.

Okay. Bye.

That doesn't sound like a work thing.

That sounds like secret lover language.

It... no.

So, he's a client, and he had, um, an urgent matter with a permit, and he wanted to meet with me tonight, but I can't.

During the holidays?

Doesn't he have a wife or anything?

He's actually a recent widower.

But I told him no, so let's get back to you and me.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You should go.

What could be more important than work?

I mean, I feel like some people would say... family?

You should go.

I'll come with you!

Okay.

Great, great, great.

So what should I wear?

Is he a boob man or a butt man?

(indistinct chatter)

I would love another glass of wine.

Okay.

Mom, um, that'll be your second.

Let's pace ourselves.

Anyway, let's get back to my story.

So that is when I told my little Becca to close her legs and stop getting to know the whole Ivy league a Capella circuit.

(Laughs) wh...

She's not great with metaphors.

When she says "getting to know"" she means I was writing an article on them for the crimson.

So that baritone from Cornell gave you HPV during an interview?

Mm-hmm. (Sighs)

(Chuckling)

What a wonderful anecdote.

Rebecca, I need to talk to you about the zoning for the property near the L.A. river.

We need to get that proposal in before the new year.

I totally agree, Cal...

And that sounds pretty, um, dangerous.

What happens after the end of the year?

Interest rates go up.

Ooh... Interesting.

(Both laughing)

("We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing)

Yes. Yes.

Outside the box. Whoa.

What are you doing?

I wanted a witness, not a turncoat.

Gingerbread houses are fun.

And I could never have one when I was little, 'cause I get so hyper from sugar.

Look how hyper I am.

It's not that.

The cozying up to my family and Shauna.

Yeah, why don't you call her "mom"?

The whole "Shauna" thing is, like, creeping me out.

See, you're taking her side.

You know, the whole reason that I came here is 'cause I thought that you were cute and that they were going to be terrible.

But you're terrible and they're cute.

Did you say...

Who wants a nog refill?

Okay, what is that supposed to mean?

See? You're doing it. Stop.

Sorry, poopsy over here hasn't had his nap yet.

Is something burning?

Oh, ooh!

I think I left cookies in the oven.

Oh, you left something?

Shocker.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

Greg, I think you should tell us what you meant by that.

Oh, no, don't get him started.

He's just never gotten over you leaving him.

Anyways, I know it's early, but can I make a to-go plate?

Um, what kind of material is this?

Oh, it's just a coat.

Harris tweed? Uh, some kind of wool.

It's really nice.

Hey, mom. How about I get you another drink?

Huh? How about some, uh, some water? On the rocks?

I'm not drunk, dear.

I'm just having this... This wonderful time.

I know.

But, you know, I'm finished working with Calvin, and I just... I hope we're not holding him up.

(Phone ringing)

Oh. Excuse me.

I need to take this, ladies.

Uh, hello.

Yeah.

Mmm...

I think it's time to go.

Agreed.

Not us. You.

Honey...

You have no idea what it is like for a single woman of my age in Westchester.

Everyone is so boring or married or cancer...

That sounds hard.

And he's practically throwing himself at me, don't you think?

He's absolutely coming on to you.

Okay.

Then go to Calvin and say I'm good to go.

Are... are you serious?

Becca... I thought you and I were getting along so well.

Having fun.

You don't want me to have fun while I'm here?

Okay.

I did not leave you, Greg.

Really? Because I remember bags packed, carried down the stairs, and a car pulling away.

Are those staying activities?

I wanted you to live with me, but you insisted on staying in West Covina.

You just wanted me to leave dad?

After you did?

You're just like your father.

You want things black and white.

You're right.

I made a mistake.

But it wasn't leaving your father.

We were both unhappy.

My mistake was that I should have insisted on shared custody.

I didn't want to force it.

I didn't want you to hate me.

Obviously, that didn't work.

Greg, you are always welcome here.

We all love you.

This is your home, too.

You know, I usually don't say this to people, 'cause it's a bit too on the nose for me, but you need to get over yourself and grow up.

And now, 'cause I'm hungry.

Wait.

You're the only person here not involved in this situation, and you think I'm the one out of line?

Um, yeah.

Because she's cool and you're a dick.

Mason!

That was... warranted.

Good call, Mason.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, mom.

Thanks, Greg.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Good-bye.

Hey, Cal.

So I'm gonna head home.

Have a wonderful holiday, and I need you to sleep with my mom. Bye.

Excuse me?

Okay, so... I need you to sleep with my mom, just a little bit.

Doesn't have to be all the way.

It could be anything of your choosing.

Hand stuff, an erotic massage...

(Laughing)

Oh.

You're serious.

Come on.

Look, I bet she is a real spitfire in the sack, if she's anything like her daughter.

Right? You look confused.

Let me lay this out for you.

There is a ring, and it's been in my family for generations, and I am so close to getting that ring.

But if you turn down my mother tonight, that ring goes bye-bye.

(Sighs)

Please?

Please, please, please, please, please.

Okay. I-i get it.

I'm a mom pleaser myself.

Exactly. So you understand the burden.

So you'll do it.

No.

So, I spoke to him, and he really wants to take you up to his hotel room.

He does?

Yeah.

But I had to tell him no.

What?

It's too close to home.

He's my biggest client, and I couldn't risk it.

Are-are you kidding?

Why did you do that?

Where is he?

I sent him away.

There were tears.

Are you out of your mind?

Oh, God.

(Sighs)

♪ ♪

(Power line crackles)

(Footsteps)

(Protesting whimper)

Mom, what are you doing? Wait.

Your flight's not for another five hours.

Where did you get this crystal rectal thermometer from again?

Just give me the gift receipt, and I'll return it at home in New York.

I got it from a local boutique, and I don't think they take returns, just exchanges.

Let's just go to that stupid store on the way to the airport, okay?

Rise and shine!

Man (Over P.A.): Attention, Christmas shoppers: Don't miss the sale...

Hey, guys! (Laughs)

Hi.

Just wanted to say, best of luck out there.

I thought you had work.

Ah, gave myself a Christmas gift.

Just had my mom call, say I had the flu.

(Laughter)

Uh, I hope you guys know that these are the good old days.

Like, the best of times.

So, enjoy them.

Thanks, man.

Ow!

What's wrong?

Oh. Oh, it's-it's my ankle!

Oh, it-it's bad.

Wait. Are-are you sure?

Yeah.

I don't think I can go on.

What are we gonna do? Who knows the choreography?

Uh, uh, well, Miguel has done a pretty good job.

Uh, change the formation?

Mr. Chan, you know the answer.

It's not Miguel?

It's never too late, bro.

It's never too late.

The only decent thing was a floor lamp, so now I'm gonna have to check a bag.

I'm very sorry, mom.

Okay, I'll pay the baggage fee. How about that?

You baffle me, you know that?

Your whole life, you have.

(Sighs heavily)

My dramatic little girl who never thought through the consequences of her decisions.

I've been here for two days.

I still don't know why you live in this dump of a town.

I told you, I got an offer that I...

I know you don't believe me, Rebecca, but I want to understand you.

I always have.

Fine. I will tell you why I moved here. God.

I'll put it out there.

I moved here because...

Josh (Over P.A.): Josh Chan is in the house!

(Applause and cheering)

♪ ♪

Let's go!

♪ Everybody, come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ everybody in the house, start it up now ♪
♪ everybody, come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ everybody in the house, start it up now... ♪

(Cheering) ♪ everybody, come on ♪
♪ come on, come on... ♪

Moved here for Josh Chan?

(Laughs) Why am I surprised?

You were always so impulsive.

Of course you would do something like give up your wonderful life in New York to be near that... that loser!

I did not do that, okay?

And he is not a loser.

You know what? I'm tired of this. I'm sorry.

I am tired of trying to bend over backwards to please someone who can never be pleased.

You got a lot of nerve, you know that?

After all I've done for you.

I came here to make peace with you.

I was gonna give you the Garfinkel ring.

You know what? Keep the Garfinkel ring.

Keep it! I'm a grown woman.

I don't care about the stupid Garfinkel ring anymore.

And you know what?

You know how you're getting to the airport?

Uber!

Very nice.

Picking you up in three minutes. There you go.

♪ You shake it, shake, shake it for me. ♪
♪ ♪

(Song ends)

(Applause and cheering)

Yeah!

(Whoops) Nice one, man.

Killed it. Killed it.

Dude, you totally killed it out there!

You still got it, man!

Hey, I appreciate that. I do.

But I think I pulled my spine and may never walk again.

(Laughing)

The truth is, uh...

I'm not a kid.

I'm Mr. Chan.

And...

You know what?

I'm realizing, it might be time for me to grow up.

And while we're airing things out, let me tell you a couple other things, okay?

My friend Paula... she's not British or Jewish.

I do work at that loser firm, and I never wear panty hose, because they cause yeast infections.

And because of you, I feel one coming on right now.

That's disgusting.

You know what?

I know you're disappointed in me.

I know I'm not the married work monster that you want me to be.

But you know what?

Neither are you.

You are a horny, unemployed divorcee who married an Irish catholic!

I am half him, and that is why you hate me!

I am half of what you hate!

"Hate you"?

I don't hate you.

What?

Is that what you think, Rebecca, that I hate you?

I love you.

I've always loved you.

I love you too much.

I wake up every morning sick with worry, wondering where you are, how you are.

I am consumed by my love for you.

And when you have a child, you will understand this.

If I ever have a kid, I will only care if they're happy.

"Happy"? What's "happy"?

That's a term for stupid people.

I want you to survive.

Our people are not about happy.

We're about survival.

And that is why I'm glad that you stood up to me.

Because that means, when the Cossacks come, you can fight back.

You can survive.

I love you.

Of course I love you.

I am your mother.

(Crying): Mommy, of course I love you, too.

Get over here, you get over here.

It's okay, Becca.

(Phone chimes)

Your Uber's here. You should go.

You should go.

Okay, okay, okay!

I'll go, I'll go.

But you're coming home for passover, right?

Becca?

You know what?

No, I'm not coming home for pa...

Okay, I'll come home for Passover.

Good girl.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

You got it.

Bye.

Bye.

So, I found a gift for my mom.

Is it that you finally went through puberty?

(Laughs) No.

I got her a candle.

It smells like, um, pine.

That's good. That's a good first step.

You know, your lack of social decorum saved the holiday.

It was a Christmas miracle.

I get that a lot.

I had the best time.

Really?

You kind of hated me.

Yeah, in a good way.

I thought it was cute.

In what way?

Cute like a hamster playing the piano or cute like a man who's handsome and not cute?

I don't know. We'll see.

Oh, bummer.

I have to go back to work now.

No, I want to keep hanging out.

All right, I'll quit.

What?

I quit!

Hey, can you give these to the toy kiosk?

(Laughs)

Thanks.

Awesome!

Dude, weak.

Hey, Becks!

Haven't seen you all week.

Hi.

How was your holiday?

(Laughs) It was interesting.

I finally now feel what it's like to be a grown-up at Christmas.

Dude... me, too!

(Gasps) Emotional jinx!

You owe me a coke.

(Both laugh)

Want to go see Santa?

Yeah. (Chuckles)

♪ Well, you can take your snow and shove it ♪
♪ this is our Christmas and we love it ♪
♪ it's 100 degrees ♪
♪ this elf is Vietnamese ♪
♪ that's the way that California does it ♪
♪ even our Santa has a suntan ♪
♪ he's also an unemployed stunt man ♪
♪ is he even awake? ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm just really baked ♪
♪ if he can be Santa Claus, anyone can ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ is just a golden state of mind ♪
♪ Chet's nuts roasting in the bright sunlight ♪

Put on some pants, Chet!

♪ And what would Christmas be ♪
♪ without historically low Mountain snow ♪
♪ causing staggering drought ♪
♪ but, hey, this eggnog froyo's super tight ♪
♪ super tight ♪
♪ 'cause this is California ♪
♪ and we do Christmas right ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪

Mmm, so good.

♪ Don we now our surf apparel ♪
♪ and we have our own kind of Christmas Carol ♪
♪ it's this chick named Carol ♪
♪ she does henna tattoos ♪
♪ Carol's 50, but no judgment ♪
♪ she's still finding herself ♪
♪ we're all finding ourselves ♪
♪ okay, there is no easy answer ♪
♪ for our high rates of skin cancer ♪
♪ it took my dad's life ♪
♪ and it killed my wife ♪
♪ hang ten, Rudolph and prancer ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ we gather round and sing songs by sublime ♪
♪ and all our local reggae bands are white ♪

(Reggae beat plays)

♪ The kids get lots of toys on Christmas morn ♪
♪ 'cause daddy makes big bucks directing p0rn ♪
♪ they may have gonorrhea ♪
♪ but at least it's not frostbite ♪
♪ it's not frostbite ♪
♪ 'cause this is California ♪
♪ and we do Christmas right ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ California Christmastime ♪
♪ Calif... ♪

You-you have places to be. I get it.