01x10 - I'm Back at Camp with Josh!

Previously on "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

You love him. Say it.

I just want to be his friend, just like I want to be all of their friends.

Why don't you understand me?

(Scoffs)

Why did she move here again?

She was offered a killer job in town.

Why else would she move here?

You called me. You said, "I will work for super cheap. I just really want to live in West Covina."

Rebecca: Josh found out I've been lying, and... Instead of turning his back on me, he just opened up.

I'm so happy that you're in town, and I don't think you're crazy at all.

I love him so much.

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ and so I decided to move ♪
♪ to West Covina, California ♪
♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ she's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

♪ C-r-a-z-y ♪

Okay! We get it!

Say it again.

I love him.

Say it with his name.

I love Josh.

Say his full name.

(Laughing): Paula, I'm not... (Sighs) I love... Joshua Felix Chan.

(Both laugh)

"Mr. and Mrs. Bunch request the honor of your presence at the wedding of their daughter Rebecca Nora Bunch and Joshua Felix Chan."

Paula, we're not close to getting married, you know.

It's not like I've been Googling pictures of mixed-race babies.

They're so cute... they're so much cuter than the plain ones.

And you're not in denial anymore, and that is the first step. (Gasps)

Yay.

Yay. Okay, so what's the plan?

I have one. You break into his apartment one night when you know Valencia is off on one of her yoga retreats, he comes home, you're in bed, naked.

I did that at least ten times in the '90s, and it worked, every time.

He has a live-in girlfriend.

I'm not gonna just break them up.

It's against my moral code.

Oh, your morals are not up to code, honey.

Hey.

Sorry I just wish there was some way for him to remember how it felt when we were at camp together, you know? Every time we saw each other, it was like...

It was like cupid's arrow went straight through our hearts.

Gotcha, Becks! (Laughs)

Josh! Hey, I'll take a few of these and just ten of everything and one Boba tea to go.

Wow, you're hungry.

Oh, they're not for me.

They're for my kids.

Oh, Hi.

Paula.

We met at Rebecca's party.

Of course. Hello, ma'am.

I'm not a... ma'am. Now's not the time.

What kids are you buying candy for?

Oh, it's this thing I do every year.

Um, volunteer at a program for disadvantaged teens.

Oh, my gosh, that's so sweet.

Well, I like to give back.

They're a tough bunch, but you know how kids are.

You let 'em make a s'more in the great outdoors, and their defenses just melt.

S'more? W-w... wait, s'when?

S'where? With s'who? (Chuckles)

(Laughs) I like that. That's cute.

Yeah. Yeah, we go to Riverside and stay at this park overnight.

It's just like summer camp.

(Echoing): Summer camp. Summer camp.

Summer camp.

Paula: That sounds like... fun.

And so romantic for you and, uh, Valencia?

Oh, she doesn't come.

Actually, she's not happy I'm going.

She thinks I should be working.

She has this theory that time is money.

You know who loves camp?

I mean, like, has a PhD in camp and could do a lot for all those underprivileged... whatever-they-ares, this one, right here.

Well, you know, we're always looking for help.

I'll-I'll tell them you'll come to the office and see the camp director.

Great. (Chuckles)

Okay. Got to jet. Um...

Ooh, thanks so much.

Okay, good to see you guys!

Bye, Josh! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye!

Okay, you have got to get into that camp.

This is your chance to go back when you two fell in love.

Okay. I'm gonna go see the camp director.

(Squeals)

I can't run in these.

(Chuckles)

You're just so cute for buying candy for the kids.

Even though you know giving kids sweets is like giving them cigarettes.

Everybody loves candy.

You're just so nice for doing that camp program every year, passing up all those extra hours at work that could get you promoted to manager.

You know, I don't mind. I love those kids.

Maybe because you're like a big kid yourself.

That's why you're so good at talking to them.

And one day, when we have kids and they say, "why don't we have shoes?"

You can say, "so that other kids can have candy."

Um, V, sometimes it's like... (Scoffs)

Like you don't understand me or...

Even believe in me.

It sucks.

What? Of course I do. I believe that one day you will focus on our future instead of fun stuff.

Mmm.

Your little nose.

(Squeaks)

So, Josh said you wanted to help.

We would love for you to get involved.

You know, people think of West Covina as this prosperous suburb...

But ten percent of its residents live below the poverty line.

I know. And I am willing to help.

I've cleared my schedule. So, here are my ideas.

I can host a really good game of tug-of-war, I know a great recipe for organic bug juice, and don't even get me started on my lanyard skills.

Okay, we don't need any more counselors.

We're covered there.

Okay. Forget the bug juice.

Here's what I can offer: A female empowerment program. Hear me out.

I did it at my old high school in Scarsdale. Huge success.

All the girls ended up on the pill because of me.

Listen, Rebecca, when we say, "get involved," what we mean is, "give us money."

Our lawyers wouldn't let us put, "just give us some damn money" on the posters.

Well, great. Okay, so if I give you money, I can come to camp?

No, no. Donors don't come to the camp, Ms. Bunch, no matter how much money they give.

Here you go.

This'll do.

(Laughs) Welcome aboard.

You are the new director of female empowerment.

Yes! (Chuckles)

(Horn honking)

(Chuckles)

(Both sigh)

I was thinking about seeing a movie tonight. You want to go?

Oh, never mind.

I forgot you and your friends mmm...

Ironically watch "Empire."

Yeah, it's not ironic for me anymore.

Taraji's my everything.

(Chuckles) But I can blow it off.

No. I don't want you to do that.

Why not? I like you.

(Commentator speaking indistinctly on TV)

I like you a lot, Greg.

(Chuckles, mutters)

"I like you a lot, Greg."

That's-that's funny.

Yeah, no, I'm, like, excited about this.

I have butterflies.

You can't tell?

It's subtle.

I'm serious.

We've been hooking up for a few weeks, and I'm into it.

I'm not seeing other guys anymore.

What?

So obviously I told her we needed some space.

Because not seeing other people is like an inch away from hiring a wedding band.

It's better this way.

We have too many differences.

She likes Chuck Palahniuk, and I think it's pretty obvious after "Fight Club", he's a one-trick pony.

Dude.

What?

I've been watching "The View" lately, and you're a commitment-phobe.

(Chuckles) I am not.

You're, like, making up problems as an excuse to break up with her.

I think your behavior reflects a deep-seated fear that if you love somebody, she'll leave you.

It's probably rooted in your childhood trauma.

Stop-stop with your armchair psychology.

I appreciated that insight.

You're the only one who gets me.

We're just not compatible.

If the perfect girl walked in right now and said, "Greg, I like you,"

I would be into it. Totally.

Hey! My beach buds!

Hey! Oh.

Yeah.

What's up?

Oh, you must be the dude that overslept.

Hector.

Hector.

So, uh, what's up with you?

You know, my, uh, ex-wife, she took Madison for the weekend, and I have just been stone-cold chillin'.

(Crying): I know.

I miss her, too, Snail-iana Grande.

How about you cats? What have you guys been up to?

You know, we were just talking about trying to watch this fight, but it's, uh, pay-per-view, so it's a little expensive.

The one you mean with the, the two guys that are like this on the poster?

That's the one.

Yep.

Oh!

Well, I was totally planning on watching that.

Yeah?

You know what?

Why don't you guys come over and we can all watch it together?

Hector: Wha... ?

That would be awesome actually.

I'm in. I don't have any plans this weekend anymore.

Free man. No one tying me down.

(Laughs): Oh, this is great then!

This is awesome!

And we'll have ourselves a little party, you dig?

I dig.

All right! I-I also dig.

You know, here's a little known fact.

I used to be the social director of my frat back in college. - No.

Yeah.

No way.

They used to call me king of the spread.

Oh, nice, 'cause you had your way with the ladies?

No, it was because I make pâté.

It's all in the onions.

You have to caramelize for, like, 18 hours.

Which if I leave right now, I will have everything ready to spready.

Spready, all right.

Spready.

I'll bring some crackers.

Oh, that'd be great, great.

Um, lend an ear.

Yeah.

Um, the, uh, fight?

That's boxing, right?

(Bell dings)

Okay, feeling good? Feeling loose?

Yeah.

Feeling cute? Feeling 16?

Yeah.

All right, get your head in the game.

Okay.

Spit.

Cut me.

Okay.

All right.

Inventory.

Handi wipes, trail mix, flashlight, bug spray...

Oh, some extra toilet paper.

Heaven forbid you have to use leaves.

Oh, I got a rash one time.

It almost made me infertile.

Unfortunately, it did not.

Do you need anything else?

I don't think so, no.

Okay.

Oh, there's one thing I have to show you.

So this is a letter that I wrote to Josh our last day of camp.

I was gonna give it to him and then he...

You know, he broke up with me.

So I was gonna mail it to him, then I decided not to.

So I decided to burn it, but then I didn't do that, either.

That's why it's a little scorched.

Anyway, I want to get him alone and read him this letter.

And I think if I do, all of his feelings from when we were together at camp...

You know, falling in love under the stars...

It-it'll come back to him.

Tell me what you think.

♪ Dear Joshua Felix Chan ♪
♪ I remember the moment it beg... ♪

Yeah, no. Uh-uh.

No, no, no.

What?

Don't do this.

This is dumb.

You're a grown-ass lady.

You don't need cutesy letters from childhood.

You just need to use what God gave you.

My charm and my wit?

It's a weird name for your boobs.

Actually, my boobs names are Bonnie and Clyde.

And my ovaries are Hustle and Flow.

Oh, oh, oh!

That is nice!

Yeah, yeah, I know.

All right.

Forget the letter.

Okay. All right?

And just... go...

Get him, kiddo. Boop. Okay.

Josh, Josh! Hey, hey, Josh!

Hey! It's so cool that you're here.

Yeah. I heard you're giving a lecture or something.

Oh, yeah, gonna, you know, help out the young females.

Teach them about wage gaps, leaning in, glass ceilings, internalized misogyny, slut-shaming, et cetera.

So you look great.

Uh, thanks.

My disciples. Watch this.

Hey, ladies, be prepared to shed your preconceived notions about your limitations.

Be prepared to get made fun of all weekend.

You look like a cabbage patch kid.

That's funny.

No, they're...

They're just... It's warming up.

So, camp, huh? It's gonna be like old times. It's gonna be so rad!

Oh! Yeah. Bang, bang. Do you want to take a selfie?

Oh, yeah, I need some good ones. My LPPs are down.

L... hmm?

Likes Per Post.

Oh, got it, great. Yeah.

Bro.

We saved you a seat.

Cool. Um, sorry, got to go, Becks.

Uh, we'll do the selfie there.

Okay. I...

Selfie there.

Cool, got it.

Bet you wish you had a glass ceiling over you now.

That's not really what a glass ceiling is.

(Cackling)

(House music playing)

(Distorted): ♪ having a few people over ♪
♪ ♪
♪ having a few people over ♪
♪ ♪

(Distorted): ♪ having a few, few-few-few ♪
♪ having a few people over ♪
♪ having, have-have, few, few-few ♪
♪ having a few people over... ♪
♪ ♪

At this point you're probably aware I'm having a few people over.

(Crowd clamoring)

Little astringent.

When does the main fight start?

There's still three more undercard fights.

I always forget how boring boxing is. Uh...

Yeah, I might want to bail.

Oh, guys, come on, come on, come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We're just getting started here, right?

Plus I need, like, 20 more minutes on the onions.

We should go to that new bar on East Cameron.

Saw some honeys there last week.

Oh, yeah?

No, no, no, no, no, no, guys.

You want honeys? Hey, come on, I know honeys.

Look, I didn't want to say this earlier, but my thought... my plan was...

At first we'd have a little bro time, which is what this is, and then a honey hang, right?

Just give it a second. I got a plan.

Come on, get in, get in, bring it in.

Sorry, sorry, donor coming through.

Donor coming through, donor come through. Okay.

All right. All right, girls, uh, let's start with elbow tag.

The classic game of tag with a twist.

You link arms with a partner.

So everyone grab a partner.

Oh, teamsies.

Sorry, Becks.

Best lady wins.

It's fine. She is younger and faster.

Kudos. (Chuckles)

Don't worry, Nicky will be your partner.

Oh. Hi, Nicky. What is Nicky short for?

Samantha.

What?

And I play to win.

I admire that work ethic, Samantha.

♪ Get out of the classroom, I'll meet you in the bathroom ♪
♪ climb out of the window, find a car, go zoom, zoom ♪
♪ drivin' away, we got to play... ♪

No, you're going the wrong way.

No, this way.

Don't tell me what to do!

Oh!

Oh...

Cabbage patch down!

(Groaning)

(Sighs)

"How... to get... girls to your party right now."

(Phone chimes)

_

"Sofistic8ed party casting"?

Woman: Do you need to crank your party up a notch?

Well, now there are hundreds of girls waiting to join the fun.

Huh.

Sofistic8ed party casting.

The premier party casting app on the market.

You pay, they play.

Get quality, upscale, classy, local female guests to your party in under 30 minutes.

Well, it's local.

That's good for the economy.

Turn your regular party into a sophisticated party.

Oh. Uh...

Number of girls.

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

Um... 25?

Wow.

That's expensive.

What looks good?

You sure you're okay?

Oh, this?

Yeah, it's just some busted capillaries.

No big.

So, um... hey, do you want to, like, go sit at a table somewhere?

I've been craving some Josh Chan quality time.

Oh, I'd love to, but I got to sit with the boys.

You know how camp is, boys versus girls, girls have cooties, bleh.

(Laughs) Right. Right, right.

I was thinking the same thing, like, ugh, you're so gross, get away from me.

Okay. I'll catch you...

Yeah.

(Sighs)

Hey, can I... Can I squeeze inskies?

Nope.

I think it's just rachet.

I admire that confidence. It is crusty.

Exactly. Nothing, right?

His name is Phil.

His name is Phil. (Laughter)

First sign. That should've been...

Hey, I'm just gonna...

Can I, can I scoot in here? Can I scoot in here?

You know what? I'm gonna be...

Sorry, I'm just gonna be confident like her.

I'm sorry, I'm just gonna be confident like her and I'm just gonna get in.

Great.

Hey, is anyone else getting bitten up by mosquitoes around here?

Maybe it's just me with my sweet, sweet skin.

So I called him, then I texted him, then I Snapchatted him; Never heard back from him.

Next thing I know, he's on a waterslide with some skank.

And he tagged me in the picture.

No, he didn't!

Yes!

That is so like him.

He tagged me.

Are you kidding? Right?!

So like him.

Dumb!

You know what, that's, that's a crazy thing to do, but honestly, when we focus on men, it just makes them more powerful.

So just forget this guy.

I promise you, in ten years, you won't even remember him.

Josh: ♪ Baseball cap!

(Camera clicks, laughter)

♪ Bandana!

Girl: It's intentional.

♪ Tear tattoo!

I'm sorry, really quick question: Is there a place around here to take a photo?

Like, away from everything else?

To go into nature and just take a photo of myself, alone?

Good idea.

Go be alone.

Ooh!

(Laughter)

Went there.

I really don't like this woman-on... look at me.

I really don't like this woman-on-woman aggression.

Like, instead of cutting each other down, we should be building each other up.

Like Kayla... you, for instance, have a real air of gravitas.

I do not.

I've been tested.

Amen.

She has been.

Several times.

Yeah.

That's not what an air of grav... never mind.

Let's circle back to the photo.

Where can I take a photo?

Well, there's Blowie Point at the top of the hill.

Blowie point? Oh, 'cause it's windy?

Yup.

So windy it knocks you to your knees.

That's a hazard.

Mm-hmm.

We should put handrails up there.

Okay, well, I'll bring my windbreaker.

Uh, thank you, sister friends.

Girl power.

Bye.

Bye.

(Laughter)

(Women chatting, laughing)

Now, this is a party.

You really came through, D-dawg.

(Laughs) D-dawg.

(Barks)

Right?

Oh, yeah.

Darryl just barked like a dog.

Are we sure he's not...

He's okay?

White Josh: He may not be.

There's, uh...

A lot of girls here, dude.

Greg: Yeah, but men spend too much time thinking about women.

We should spend more time in-in drum circles, in wielding swords, in chopping wood...

What are we talking about, man?

Wait a minute.

Is that... ?

Whoa. Ashley Pratt.

Dude, you were in love with her since, like...

Kindergarten.

She's perfect.

That is the perfect woman.

Ashley would never come to our parties in high school.

She's an actress in L.A. now, did you know that?

She played a sexy barista on Last Man Standing and then a sad barista in the Entourage movie...

Okay.

... and then in Battlestar she was a space barista.

I bet she makes hot coffee.

Here she comes. She's coming.

She's coming. Just...

No, no, no.

What do we say?

No, she's-she's stopping.

She stopped.

That's fine.

No, she's coming.

(Mumbling)


Josh. Uh, do you remember how you were telling me about Instagram LPPs, Likes Per Post?

Well, I'm reading an article right now that says to maximize your LPPs, you want to take sunset photos.

I know, right?

They're actually the most liked photos, behind fitness girls with big butts and slow-motion dogs.

Really?

Yeah, they used an algorithm.

Oh, no.

Yeah, no... it's a math thing.

So, anyway...

Oh.

I think I'm gonna go up the hill at sunset.

And take some selfies at Blowie Point.

(Snorts) Blowie Point?

Yeah, I know it's really windy up there.

I'm-I'm bringing my windbreaker.

But anyway, I just came to let you know that tonight I think my Instagram likes are gonna hit the trip digs.

(Clicks tongue) Oh, maybe I should go up with you.

Um... ooh...

I don't know if I want you going up with me and competing with me for Instagram likes.

I kind of want to beat you in that regard, you know?

All right, you are on.

Meet you up there at sunset.

Okay.

Now it's a challenge.

I'll see you up there, Chan.

Bring your windbreaker.

(Laughs)

Oh, my God.

Hello.

I know you guys from high school.

You're Hector.

You offered me pot to go to a party and I punched you.

I didn't press charges.

You're white Josh.

You're white and you look like Josh Chan who I, to this day, have a crush on.

And you are...

You are, um...

Different high school. Private?

Home-schooled.

Yeah.

You have a home-schooled look.

What does that mean?

No, I'm...

No, I... hm-mmm.

Uh, no.

My locker was next to yours.

Greg Serrano.

Debate champion, math team, student body treasurer...

Nope. Nothing.

I campaigned on the platform of personal pan pizzas.

We never got those.

Well, I was stuck with a lame duck student council.

(Laughs)

You're funny.

Were you funny before?

Yeah, I was hilarious.

I just never said the jokes out loud.

Mmm.

Do you want to get a wine cooler?

Sure.

Rebecca: It's gonna be so perfect, Paula.

We're gonna be on that hill under the rainbow of-of lights and the sun setting, and I will read him that letter.

(Groans) That letter?

Honey, we talked about this.

And you understand what...

Blowie Point is, right?

Yes. Oh, my God.

I have a windbreaker.

And it has a hood. Everyone's so worried about me in the wind. Anyway, it's gonna be so beautiful, because I really think all of the years of emotion will just well up and...

Speaking of welling up, what's that on your chest?

What? What are you talking about?

Um... it kind of looks like you're sporting a third nipple.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... oh, my God, (Paula gasps) It's the mosquitoes!

You didn't use the bug spray I packed for you?!

Uh, that's not a sexy smell.

You know, it's literally intended to be repellent.

You know what? This'll be fine.

I'll put some concealer on this.

That's what makeup's for. Bing, bang, boom. Done.

Babe, that doesn't look like a regular bug bite.

That looks like an allergic reaction.

You're not a doctor. I have to go, okay?

So, uh, bye.

(Quietly): It's not... allergic.

It's not an allergic... (Sighs)

(Wheezing inhale)

(Wheezing): I can't breathe...

My tongue's swelling...

(Wheezes) Are you there, God?

It's me.

(Distorted, echoing): Wake up, honey. Wake up.

Mm! What?

Where am I?

Am I in the Matrix?

Am I Neo?

Am I Gretel? Where's Hansel?

(Whispers): Did you eat him?

You're in the medical center, honey.

You had a little incident. You went into anaphylactic shock.

(Groans) Ana... oh, my God.

Wait. Wait, so how did I get here?

Turns out, my dear, you are allergic to mosquitoes.

It's called Skeeter syndrome.

It's rare, but I saw it in 'Nam.

Wow, you were in 'Nam?

Last summer. It was great!

I got a massage for two dollars.

You should rest.

You look like a tornado survivor.

No, I can't rest.

Oh, no, I can't rest. I came here for one thing.

Oh, the woman's empowerment lecture.

I'm looking forward to that.

No, um, not that.

I have to go make a boy love me at Blowie Point.

(Grunting)

You really should adjust the way you talk about being in 'Nam... It-it's quite confusing.

(Camera clicks)

Hi.

Hey. Working on the perfect...

Selfie angle... whoa.

What happened to you?

Oh, I'm just an allergic bug tornado survivor.

It's no big deal.

That's why Epipens were invented.

(Laughs): It's fine.

You know, maybe we should wait for the sun to go down a little bit.

Get a glow on our faces?

That sounds great, yeah.

Oh, let me, um...

It's so funny it's not windy at all up here.

(Chuckles)

Oh, thank you.

So, while we're waiting for the sun to go down, I want to show you something.

I was going through some old stuff the other day, and I randomly came across this old letter it's from our Camp Canyon Grove...

Oh! Days, yeah.

And I was like, "oh, my God, I have to show Josh this letter."

So, do you, do you want me to read it?

Uh, okay.

Great, it... Okay, cool.

♪ Dear Joshua Felix Chan ♪
♪ I remember the moment it began ♪
♪ you were playing frisbee shirtless ♪
♪ on the field across the lake next to the dumpster ♪
♪ and your skin glistened in the sunlight ♪
♪ all your moles, a constellation on your chest ♪
♪ dear Joshua, when we frolic ♪
♪ I feel like, and not to be hyperbolic ♪
♪ but I feel like I could die of happiness ♪
♪ when I'm nestled in your hairless arms ♪
♪ we're like Tristan and Isolde ♪
♪ ancient lovers rotting desperately in the forest... ♪

(Snickering)

(Dog barks in the distance)

So, oh, oh, do you think it's funny?

(Laughs): Yeah!

Totally, right?

16-year-olds are absurd!

I was a total doofus back then.

And you were so dramatic and, like, weird.

I mean, "rotting in the forest"?

Like, what? (Laughing)

That's so weird! Yeah.

That's why I showed it to you.

That's why I showed it to you, totally.

And, yeah, I'm so glad I'm not like this anymore.

Come on, um, read-read the rest of it. Oh...

What else does it say?

Oh, it's like, the rest of it's like, more of, like, the same stupid, like, like, blah, blah, blah, you know, corn pops.

And yada yada, fudgsicles and fireflies... I mean, it's nothing.

Can we take the selfie?

I think the sun's perfect. Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay. Okay.

♪ Superfunnyletter.

Yeah. Uh, cool.

I got to go empower some women.

Okay.

(Indistinct chatter)

Don't touch me.

Why do we have to do this again?

(Scoffs) Mandatory, remember?

(Girl shushes)

(Chattering stops)

Whoa.

Hot mess alert!

(Laughs)

(Girls gasping)

The word "ovary" derives from the the Latin "ophor"

Which means "to bear."

What's Latin for "stupid"?

(Laughter)

And what a heavy burden we bear as the women in contemporary society.

We are like oxen strapped to the yolk of the patriarchy...

(Girls mooing)

That's not oxen.

That's a cow.

(Laughter)

And together as sisters, we must pull the cart of feminism to...

Is that a tampon?

(Crying): Why are you so mean to me?

(Laughter continues)

I have had the worst day.

And I feel so sad and small right now.

(Laughter stops)

Just leave me alone...

Are you okay, Cabbage Patch?

Why doesn't he love me?!

Whoa.

That bitch is thirsty.

(Sobbing): I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be here.

I'm not one to speak about feminism or empowerment.

I am desperately in love with a man who will never love me back.

I'm the one who needs to be empowered.

(Crying)

(Sniffling)

Don't worry.

We'll empower you up.

What?

Greg: I can't believe we ran into each other.

I know.

So, you're-you're an actress now.

Right, I Goog... I read about that, I think in the, uh, uh, student, uh, newsletter.

Yeah, well, I'm trying, but it's not going very well.

Oh, come on.

You were in "Bones".

I played a dead barista.

And you didn't move once.

(Chuckles)

You had coffee all over you.

Was that hot?

Uh, it wasn't real coffee.

I was jok... it's okay.

Oh. (Both laughing)

See? See?

I bought it, kind of.

Oh...

Oh, this is why I should've been talking to you in high school, instead of talking to jerks and dumb jocks.

It's okay.

That was their time.

Now they're doing time.

(Laughs) Hey-o! Ah!

(Crying): ... We'd meet at sundown, and so I reading letter, and he laughing at me and I saying, "corn pops, blah, blah, blah," but I meaning you just broke my heart again!

God, that reminds me so much of Jaden.

Mm.

I was super into this guy.

And he was only using me for my discount at the taco place.

At least you have a crush on a guy like Josh.

I mean, most of the guys I go out with, they just send over a dirty pic with a text that says "WYD."

Both: Mm.

Why is Yanni dancing?

What does that mean?

Why is that pertinent?

No. No, no, no.

What you doing?

Oh.

It's like, if you can't even type out a word, I'm not gonna take my clothes off. Mm.

At least send an emoji.

Like the chipmunk eating the block of cheese?

I get that. I'm coming over.

No questions asked.

Ladies, I don't know what to do.

I have tried everything to get Josh's attention and get him to love me, but it-it's like, he doesn't even see me.

Boys are tough.

Life's tough.

I taught myself to read while I was locked in a box.

Like, in jail?

No.

An actual box.

Whoa.

And in that box, I learned to never put a man first.

Or he'll lock you in the box.

My God.

I also learned it's not a bad idea to keep almonds in your pocket at all times in case of emergencies.

Want one?

Yeah, I am a little hungry, thanks.

See, but that is the one thing a girl needs to teach herself over and over and over again.

Never put a man first.

Mm-mm.

Put yourself first.

You're totally right.

Like, I should read Gloria Steinem and take a ceramics class and grow my pit hair out, you know?

It's like, stuff like that...

All: No.

What you need is a makeover.

(Dance music playing)

♪ Put yourself first, girl, worry about yourself ♪
♪ make yourself sexy just for yourself ♪
♪ so when dudes see you put yourself first ♪
♪ they'll be like, "damn you're hot... want to make out?" ♪
♪ push them boobs up just for yourself ♪
♪ wear six-inch heels just for yourself ♪

If it's just for myself, shouldn't I be comfortable?

♪ No, put yourself first in a sexy way ♪
♪ Pierce your ears just for yourself ♪
♪ put a hole in your earlobe just for yourself ♪
♪ brace yourself, this is gonna hurt ♪
♪ put yourself first in a sexy way... ♪

(Rebecca screams)

♪ Put yourself first, girl, worry about yourself ♪
♪ wear fake eyelids just for yourself ♪
♪ so when dudes see you put yourself first ♪
♪ they'll be like... Damn, you're hot ♪
♪ let's buy a house in Portland ♪
♪ put yourself first for him ♪
♪ that's what you got to do ♪
♪ put yourself first for him ♪

If I put myself first for him, then, by definition, aren't I putting myself second?

♪ Don't think about it too hard, too, too hard ♪
♪ don't think about it too hard, too, too hard ♪
♪ it's a wormhole ♪
♪ it's a Mobius strip ♪
♪ it's snake eats tail ♪
♪ it's the infinity sign ♪
♪ get a tattoo of the infinity sign ♪
♪ on your lower back ♪
♪ just for yourself ♪

But I can't see my lower back.

Also, can we go back to the fake eyelid?

Is that a thing now?

All: Yes.

♪ Put yourself first in a sexy way ♪
♪ put yourself first for him. ♪

Thank you, sisters.

I feel so much better now.

(Chuckling)

Girls got to look out for each other.

Mm-hmm.

We got it.

Oh, my God.

Look who it is.

Hey, girls.

Wow, Becks, you look cool.

You're all "Becky from the block."

(Laughs awkwardly) That's funny.

Josh: Uh.

Hey, uh, can I talk to you for a sec, alone?

Um, you know, like, when I have time.

Okay, uh, let me know.

But now, now's good.

I'm-I'm not doing anything now.

So now's super-good.

I don't have anything going on.

Now.

I'm taking a hip-hop class at my church. Mmm.

It's called "Grooves."

Oh, yeah?

Hey, hey, daddy long legs.

Want to put a coaster under that thing?

Ma'am? Ma'am? Sophistic8ted, I think not.

You know, actually, can... ?

I have an announcement to make.

Can we just watch the veneer, ladies?

It's... not that... You know, not that difficult.

Geez Louise.

Thank you.

♪ They all wanna be, wanna be me... ♪
♪ ♪

I'm so bummed. I have to go.

(Chuckles)

But you have my number now, so text me, okay?

Yes.

I'd really like to see you again.

Me too. That would be great.

You're such a down-to-earth guy, not like the douche bags in L.A.

(Chuckles)

I feel like you're the kind of person a girl could really...

Settle down with someday.

What?

Josh: Becks, I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I went back up to Blowie Point.

So I found your letter.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you didn't read the whole thing, did you?

(Snickers)

Tristan and who?

(Snickers)

Rebecca: ♪ dear Joshua Felix Chan ♪
♪ it's music when I hold your hand ♪
♪ I loved you from the moment that I saw you ♪
♪ you're my hero, I believe in you ♪
♪ there's nothing you can't do ♪
♪ you make a difference in the world ♪
♪ and you make all the difference in the world ♪
♪ to... me... ♪

Oh, my God, Josh, I... (Laughs)

I told you, when I was that age, I was really dramatic and weird, and I was so hormonal, so whatever I said in this letter...

Rebecca, what you said about believing in me, about...

Truly understanding who I am, no one has ever said anything like that about me.

Do you mind if I keep it?

Not at all. Please.

Cool.

You know, all my life, I've wondered if I was good enough or, smart enough, but now I know you've always believed in me.

You always support me in who I am.

Getting me hired at Aloha's and coming to this camp.

I love this camp.

You never tried to change me.

That means so much.

You have no idea.

It's ironic.

You came here to empower some girls, but, instead you empowered this goofball.

(Both chuckle)

See you later, Becks.

Bye.

What the hell?

You're a grown-ass woman.

He should have been kissing you on your mouth.

Yeah, she's still thirsty, Josh.

Uh-uh, I'm not thirsty anymore, Tanya.

Right now, in this moment...

(Sighs) I feel quenched.

Gross.

I'm, uh, I'm not ready to say good-bye to this pâté.

You mind if I take some with me?

Absolutely.

Hey, you know what, you don't have to stick around and help me clean up.

Honestly, I mean, everybody else has already bailed.

Oh, no, no, it's cool, bro.

I was also the social director of my fraternity, so I also know that everyone leaves you with a wet bathroom.

How does it get so wet?

No one knows.

(Laughs)

Hey, you know why I really wanted to have a party?

Huh?

Well, it's just...

Like, it's really tough on me when my daughter isn't around.

I get a little sad.

Just wanted to be a little less... lonely, make some friends.

Well, you made one.

That girl with the tube top?

No, I... I paid for her.

I paid for all the girls, actually.

Uh...

Oh, I'm sorry, you mean you.

Yeah, yeah, that's... (Chuckles) That's what I meant.

Oh, thank you.

All right, I better jet.

All right. There you go.

Yeah. Yeah.

Later, bro.

♪ ♪

Oof.

My health insurance doesn't cover therapy, so I'm stuck with this.

But it was in the library's free book bin, so you know it's good.

There is a dead spider sticking out of the binding.

So far it's been really fun.

I've learned a lot about being emotionally naked.

Ew. Throw on an emotional robe, please.

Heather, seriously, I'm sorry.

If someone even hints about being exclusive, I get nervous that they're gonna bail.

And according to this book, it's because I am a...

"Dumb-ass."

That's cool.

You are who you are.

So... bye.

Uh, where are you going?

I get real for one minute, and you're out?

Sorry, it's just that I have a date.

Is it Zeke?

I drunk-Googled him.

I get it.

The abs, the tats, it works.

No.

Uh, the movie starts at 7:00.

The date is with you, dummy.

I was, like, trying to do a cute thing.

Again, s... (Laughs) So subtle.

I... I'm in.

I commit to this movie.

Okay.

But if we do this again, you can't be an idiot this time.

Never again.

Come on, let's go.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You need this.

Yes, I do.

(Sighs)

(Door opens)

How was your last trip to camp?

Was it sad to say good-bye?

I don't know...

... 'cause I didn't.

Excuse me?

I'm going back every year.

It's who I am.

It's important to me.

I can't believe you're talking to me like this.

It's called empowerment.

(Humming)

You know, they say you can't go back in time.

But "they" are dumb.

'Cause you totally can.

That trip to camp was a triumph.

I mean, it wasn't just a victory, it was a mandate.

Like, you could invade any country that you wanted to right now, because...

He kissed you.

I mean, he didn't kiss me, he just kissed me on the cheek.

Um, it's the way that he kissed you.

And listen to me, a kiss on the cheek means...

What does it mean?

What does it mean?

What-what does it mean?

Well, sometimes it means nothing.

Mmm.

Uh, sometimes it means it's your aunt Lucy, and she hasn't seen you since you were 11, but sometimes... Sometimes it means... everything.

It does?

It does?

(Both sigh)

(Banging)

Man: Come on, Chloe.

Let me out of the box.

Say it again.

Man: Female wage disparity needs to be rectified through congressional action.

Good boy.

Man: Ugh, that was worth at least three almonds.