01x14 - Josh Is Going to Hawaii!

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Let's delve into your childhood.

Oh, I was afraid you'd say that.

I used to like her.

You still do.

I don't want to be your back-up plan.

I am bi-sexual!

I'm going for drinks with this gay man whom I have a crush on.

This could be the biggest case the county's ever seen.

I must find in favor of the defendants... Greater City Water.

I'm from the metro desk at the paper.

This should help get you started.

These are e-mails that clearly expose a cover-up.

You tried really hard today.

I wanted you to be proud of me.

I didn't know you thought about me that much.

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ One day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ And so I decided to move ♪
♪ To West Covina, California ♪
♪ Brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪

Okay! We get it!

♪ ♪


(sighs deeply)



(mutters quietly)

(sniffles) Okay...

What happened?

Dude, bro, what happened?

God, it was such a magical kiss.

Oh, my gosh, it transported me to a different world, Like where they shoot the fun parts of Game of Thrones.

Okay, so, so why are you at my house? I mean, I watched it happen, and I took off, 'cause I figured you two would be having stand-up s*x in the shower of a very nice bed-and-breakfast by now.

I don't... I don't know.

Uh, he just bailed. He said he had to go somewhere.

I don't know where he is or what he's thinking.

Josh: After the kiss, I just bailed.

I'm riddled with guilt.

It's killing me!

I'm in a committed relationship, FB.

I live with Valencia.

What do I do?

Bro, do you remember, in the second grade, when we had that class bunny, Carrots?

Um... yeah?

Okay, yeah, well, when it was my week to take care of her, I, um... I accidentally dropped her in the toilet.

And, uh, I freaked out so much that I panicked, and then, I flushed.

But, uh, you know, her baby bunny body... just clogged that toilet up.

Um, and then, here comes my dad with the plunger, and then up comes the corpse.

(sighs) So, I told everybody that my brother Eric did it.

He was only four years old, you know, so, like, everybody believed me.

It was so easy. It...

It was the perfect crime.


I blamed my baby brother for that baby bunny body.


Dude, are you stoned right now?

(sniffles, sighs)


Oh, bro...

I got a bad back. It's awesome. (sighs)

Listen, Josh, would you just focus for a second?

I was consumed by guilt for years because that was the first step in my baby brother becoming, like, a hardcore heroin addict, you know?

And then one day, I realized I had to ask for forgiveness.

And that was hard... because that cult was on an island.

But I did it, I found him, and I confessed, and much like the Madonna...

He forgave me.

And that's why I'm a priest, man.

Go to the person you have wronged, my son, my brah.

Perhaps they will forgive.

Dude, we're talking about Valencia.

Mm... Yeah, you're screwed.


We have to celebrate. Your first kiss!

I think I have... sparkling apple cider somewh... aha!

Expires... 2012.

Perfect. Should be alcohol by now.


This... is my favorite part of a romantic comedy.

It's like you're Kate Hudson, and Josh is this British actor that, like, no one's ever heard of, but is super cute, and Valencia is the skinny bitch who ends up getting just what she deserves.

I kind of saw it as fairy tale where I'm the spunky princess, Josh is the handsome prince who gets turned into a stone, and Valencia is the witch who turned him into that stone.

You have put a lot of thought into this narrative.

I have.

(ringtone plays)

Hmm. Oh!

Crap. Hold on.

Hi, Dr. Akopian.

Okay, yes, I'm aware we have an appointment tonight, and I have to cancel.

I know there's a cancellation fee.

I will pay it, I will reschedule.

I'm so sorry. Bye. Have a good night.

Ew. I feel bad.

I keep canceling with my shrink.

I just don't have any time.

God knows why you have a shrink in the first place when you have me. I give such great advice.

Now let's drink this old expired apple juice.

(inhales, exhales)

Paula, it's weird; I haven't heard anything from Josh.

Maybe I'll call him just once, or, like, send him, like, a flirty text.

No. No. Oh, God, God, no.

Have you never seen a two-and-half star movie?

Right now, he has to come to you.

The most important thing is that you don't call, you don't e-mail, you don't reach out in any way.

Okay, fine.

I have a lot of work to do anyway.

Good. Cheers.


Rebecca: “Client agrees to keep the land in accordance with all policy... ”

"Client agre..." Bored!

Oh, boy.

This is a dilemma.

Josh loves red pandas so much, and this one...

I mean, if I don't send it, it's almost mean.

You know, I think even Paula would understand. I have to send this to him.

Oh, what am I talking about? I shouldn't.

He's probably already seen it!

Because everyone knows he likes red pandas.

You know, and he's probably gotten this photo a lot.

Aah! What if he hasn't?

Oh, and it's the cutest one.

Then I'm the jerk. Then it's on me.

Maybe I'll print it out and mail it anonymously?

I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

I have to think about something besides...

(knocking on door)

Josh: Rebecca?

It's Josh!

Oh, my God, it worked.

I'm coming! I'm coming!


Do you have a minute?


I feel overdressed. (laughs)


Those pajamas are cute.

I like the little... sushi on 'em.

Oh. (laughs)


Oh. (laughs)

It's... (laughs)

Oh... So, look, uh, we have to talk about that kiss.

Yes, yes. Yes, we do.

I... (sighs)

Yes. I...

... can't stop thinking about it.

Me, neither.

I mean, it was...

Yeah, no. It-it was.

Rebecca, I feel something for you.

Oh, my God, yes, yes. Wow.

We obviously have some kind of connection.

No, we absolutely have a connection, Josh, and I feel...

Aah! I feel so many things.

But kissing you was wrong.

Sorry. What?

I have a girlfriend, you have a boyfriend.

Who? Oh, uh, no.

No, no, no, no, no. We-we broke up.

Wait. Trent? Tonight? Because of me?

No. He's tall. He... It doesn't matter. He's dead.

Just don't think about him. Keep talking.

But I-I shouldn't have cheated. I...

Now there's only one thing to do.

Follow your heart... ?

I have to tell Valencia.

And if I tell her, she's definitely gonna break up with me, like, definitely.

She will?

Our kiss will end everything between me and V.

Well, uh, that's, uh...

You know, that's terribly sad.

Telling her is the right thing to do.

Even if it means ending the relationship.


So, uh, so then... so then, what happens?

Oh, well, then I go to Hawaii.


Hector's in a surf competition, and some of us are coming along.

Oh, thank God.

The drama happens, then I get to just get away for a while, hop on flight 425 to Maui on Thursday.

Then I'll be in Hawaii just watching the sunset, wondering about the future.

Right, um... your future.

I'm sorry, Rebecca. (groans)

I, I-I shouldn't have done what I did, any of it.

I shouldn't have... grabbed you, or squeezed you, or... put my hand on the nape of your neck, or run it through your hair.

What else? What else did you do?

I-I have to go.



What happens next?

What happens next in-in your stupid movies?

Uh, I think it's obvious.

You go bikini shopping and try on floppy hats.


Because you're going to Hawaii, you idiot!

Ladies, hey, you two chatty Cathys.

It's time for the staff meeting.

Okay, hold on, Darryl. Darryl...

God. Rebecca, listen, you are at the grand gesture moment.

It is the best part of any Rom com.

Okay, it's the... it's the... get up on stage and sing the song, and-and run through the rain and show up and object at the wedding, and-and... and race to the airport before he leaves for Kazakhstan.

Wait. No, he's going to Hawaii.

Rebecca, go to your office, get a ticket on that flight right now.

I don't know... are you sure this is a good idea?

Yes, I know these things.

I am your funny best friend with all the answers, okay?

I'm your Judy Greer, your Rosie O'Donnell, your-your...

(gasps) your Joan Cusack.

You know what?

In my narrative, I'd picture you as, like, the funny singing raccoon.

Of course you did.

That's not an insult.

You have the breakout song of the whole movie.

Just go get the ticket!

Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it!

(both laughing)

You know what? As the kids say, I'm gonna YOLO before I FOMO.

Is that yogurt? What is that?

I saw it on a meme.

I have no idea what that...

Nor do I care. Go get the ticket.

(exhaling deeply)

Hi, honey.

Nothing's wrong. What?

(sighs) You've been acting all weird today.

What's wrong?

I-I-I don't know what you're talking about.


You already worked out this morning, and now you're going to the gym again?

A man can't go to CrossFit for six hours?

Big things are happening there.

We're doing the Murph today.



Actually, um, there is something I wanted to talk to you about. Maybe we should... talk after your evening class.

Oh, honey, I'm gonna be late tonight.

I'm doing that cryotherapy thing.

We'll talk about it tomorrow, then.

That's even better. Good!

That's even better. Good!

No kiss?

(door shuts)


(gasps) I wonder what's going on.


Okay, people... no beating around the bush.

Let's get to why we're here.

Um, hi, everyone.

Uh, since this is my first staff meeting, I thought I'd give everybody a big hello.

My name is Maya.

I'm the new administrative assistant.

And a little about me...

Um, I love online shopping and kale salads and...

Maya, this is not the time.

This is not about you.



Is everybody on board? Great.

I want you all to listen really hard now.

I mean, really listen.

Like, with both your ears.

Okay, Darryl, spit it out.

Okay, well I'm sure you've noticed that I've been going through a lot lately.

And I know you've often wondered:

“Who is Daryl, really?”

Nope, never.

Darryl, until February, I thought your name was Jasper.

Okay, pre-purchase Wi-Fi to save seven dollars, yes.

Dietary restrictions.

You betcha.

Darryl: You know, there are times when I look out these windows, and I know you're all thinking, “What makes the measure of this man?”

Oh, my God, you'd better be dying!

Look, I called you all here to tell you, with pride and excitement... and a lot of pride, about the new and improved Darryl C. Whitefeather.

Jim, give me a beat.

Sorry, what?

When somebody asks for a beat you just, you don't ask a lot of questions. You just get down on it.

Oh, you want, like, a syncopated thing or, like, a vibey thing?

Just do it. Hmm?

('80s pop rock song plays)

♪ I don't know how ♪
♪ I don't know why ♪
♪ But I like ladies ♪
♪ And I like guys ♪
♪ I realize ♪
♪ It's a surprise ♪
♪ But now I see that that's just me ♪
♪ It's not like I even try ♪
♪ So if you ask me how I'm doing ♪
♪ Here is my reply ♪
♪ I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi ♪
♪ I'm getting bi ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, I'm lettin' my bi flag fly ♪
♪ Not gonna hide it ♪
♪ Not gonna lie ♪
♪ I'm a bi kind of guy ♪
♪ There's no reason to be shy ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
♪ It's a fact I can't deny ♪
♪ I'm bi, bi, bi, until the day I die ♪
♪ Now some may say ♪
♪ Are you just gay? ♪
♪ Why don't you just go gay all the way? ♪
♪ But that's not it ♪
♪ 'Cause bi's legit ♪
♪ Whether you're a he or a she ♪
♪ We might be a perfect fit ♪
♪ And one more thing ♪
♪ I tell you what ♪
♪ Being bi does not imply that you're a player or a slut ♪
♪ Sure, I like s*x ♪

Please make him stop.

♪ But I'm no ho, I take things slow ♪
♪ Until I feel at ease ♪
♪ So if you ask me how I'm doing ♪
♪ I'm feeling peppy, sprightly, spry ♪
♪ I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi ♪
♪ And it's something I'd like to demystify ♪
♪ It's not a phase ♪
♪ I'm not confused ♪
♪ Not indecisive ♪
♪ I don't have the gotta-choose blues ♪
♪ I don't care if you wear high heels or a tie ♪
♪ You might just catch my eye ♪
♪ Because I'm definitely bi ♪
♪ Big man! ♪

(instrumental interlude)

♪ I'm gettin' bi ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi... ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi... ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi... ♪
♪ It doesn't take an intellectual ♪
♪ To get that I'm bisexual. ♪

(song ends)

Any questions?

Oh, come on. You guys aren't weirded out because I'm bisexual, are you?

No, we're weirded out by the fact that our boss just called a meeting to tell us that.

Maya: Um...

Hi, everyone, again.

I know that this is a little personal for my first week here, but I'm also bisexual, and I am so glad that this office is so open...

Does anyone else have any other questions besides Maya, who seems to think that every meeting is about her for some reason?


Are you sure you're not just gay?

Oh, my God.

Did you not hear what I said?

Come on!

Guys, this is important.

Are there any other questions?

Jim: Whoa.

This is weird.

Hey, guys, look at this.

I don't believe it.

Bunch is some kind of hero.

(laughing): Oh, my God!

This is perfect.

Now she can lip-sync on a parade float!

So, we're moving on from my stuff, then.


(footsteps approaching)

Wow, you are really having the best day ever!

You know that evidence you gave to the reporter?

It's touched off a landslide.

Have you seen this?

What's wrong?

Um, okay, uh, what's wrong is I was trying to buy the ticket for Hawaii, and so I tried all of my credit cards, and then I tried my debit card, and then I checked my bank account...

Which according to the welcome screen, I haven't done since 2011... And now I'm seeing my balance, and, Paula, guess what's in there. Guess.

It's a negative number, Paula. It's negative a lot.


Holy Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Paula.

Am I broke?

How could you be broke?

You're rich.

That's what I thought.

Yo, Bunch.

Guy from the Mayor's Office is here for you.

It's the mayor.

He wants to give you the key to the city or something.

Uh, yeah, okay.

I'll be right there.


I don't understand this.

How am I broke? I can't be broke.

I mean, all right, sure, since I moved here, maybe I've spent a little money here and there.

So I got this treadmill desk.

That was, like, $2,000 mistake?

I pledge $1,000.

And it's really fine.

I-I-I got it.

Man: Good thing the drinks are free.

Here you go.

I'm gonna go to the bank, withdraw $10,000

and plant it in your wife's suitcase.

Well, you had a huge salary in New York.

What about your savings?

(groans) I never worried about saving.

You know what, I keep forgetting that you are so smart and so not smart!

I just never had to think about money.

You don't think about money.

Wow, that must free up some time.


I can't go. There's no running to Kazakhstan.

Hawaii is out.


No. Okay, Rebecca, let me explain something to you.

You have a window, and that window is Hawaii!

I can't afford to go to Hawaii right now.

I can't even afford to buy a pack of Skittles!

Okay, look, I would give you the money, but I don't have any money.


Jim: Rebecca.

The mayor doesn't have all day.

Or maybe he does. Yeah, he probably does.

But he's out here.


Here she is right now.


You are an inspiration, a model citizen, and we would be thrilled to give you the key to the city.

Oh, wow.

That, what, that's great.

Key to the city.

Uh, question, is there a cash prize associated with that?


Sorry, okay.

I don't know how things work.

Chris: She's looking sharp in that suit.

It really highlights her brains and tactical thinking skills.


Is she still single?

Who cares? Who knows?

I don't even think about that anymore.

Why not? Didn't you go all the way to LA just to tell her you dig her?

Yes, I did, Chris.

And it did not work out.

'Cause life isn't a two-and-a-half-star movie.

I made a grand gesture, I made a fool out of myself, cause that's what happens when you emulate stupid rom-coms.

So you and Heather split up for no reason?


And now you have to work together?

I might take my root beer to go.

It's gonna be a bloodbath when she shows up.

What? No.

There's not gonna be any drama.

She broke up with me.

Besides, Heather is chill, mature, tattooed.

She's gonna be totally cool about it.

Hit the deck.

Hey, dude.

'Sup, girl?


That's how two adults handle the post-breakup.

Watch and learn.

Okay, Mom.

Love you. Bye.

What was that?

I don't know if she's having a stroke or something, but... she said she saw the articles about me online, and she loves me.


And she's proud of me.


And she's sending me a present.

(gasps) Yay.

I mean, it's probably rugelach.


Come on, you know what rugelach is.



No, what is it?

It's amazing. It's, like, a dessert.

Oh, all right.

Anyway, I mean, she's not gonna be proud of me now that I'm a pauper.

Okay, you're gonna get a paycheck next week, right?

I get a paycheck next week? Wait, for how much?

You don't know how much you earn?!

I'm a lawyer, not an accountant.


Maya: Everyone. There's a car right outside the office, and it's being repossessed. They're towing it right now. Does anyone here own a 2015 Hyundai Sonata?


Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, I can't watch.

I can't watch. I can't watch.

My poor little Hyundai.

Oh, my gosh, with its roomy interior and sporty feel.

Did you pay your lease?

I mean, my lease is set to auto-pay, but...

You didn't pay your lease.

You know what, unless you have a time machine, comments like that aren't helpful right now.

What do I do?

Uh, maybe I can sell the car.



What? Do I not own my car?

Do I not own my car anymore?



Paula? Paula?

Man: Miss? Miss?

Miss, can you help me?

I ordered a vodka a while ago.

Okay, well, you made me lose count, so now I have to start over. Thanks.

Uh, I'll count them for you.

Just make me a drink?


How's it going over here?

I'm just touching all the cherries.

They feel like eyeballs.

It's so slow here today.

I have, like, nothing to do.

This is nice.

Us being cool, working side-by-side.


A lot of people would think this would be awkward between us because we used to...

You know what we used too.

But it's totally fine.

Oh, yeah.

Besides, it's not like we were, like, serious or anything.

We were just having fun, right?



So what happened with you and Rebecca?

Oh, it's... (sighs)

Didn't work out, but...



Well, you'll get her someday.

Rooting for you.


See? That wasn't awkward at all.


It's a little awkward.

I'll get it. I'm gonna get it.


Mmm. That's good.


This place is nice.

I've never been to a place where they give you your own jacket.

Do I get to keep this?

(laughs) No.


So listen...

I told everyone at work about my new situation, and they were all very excited.

That's great.

To meet you.



You want me to meet your coworkers?


You know, that's not a stage in anyone's relationship.

Oh, what are you talking about? It'd just be something informal.

Just, like, a little dinner party.

Uh, honestly, it'll be, like, what, seven courses, tops.

Look, Darryl, I am really happy for you coming out, but I think you need to relax, kind of.

Relax? I... (scoffs) I am relaxed.

Why would you think that I'm not relaxed?

Uh, well, this is kind of our first date, and this is the restaurant where my parents came for their silver wedding anniversary.

I think we can just hang out, you know? No strings.

Maybe go someplace that's flip-flop friendly.

No strings.


Does that mean you're dating other people?

Well, I'm... I'm not not dating other people.

(sighs) Double negatives always stress me out.

I don't know what that means.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

I... I just think we should act like two normal people who have kissed twice.

You know, you can do a little exploring, get on a dating Web site or something, see what else is out there.

Okay. Okay.

I feel so much more relaxed now. Thank you.

May I?

Rebecca: Anyway, I just really need money right now.

I'll give you ten.

Ten thousand?

Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.

You won't be sorry. The guy at the store said it had, like, smart cushioning or some...

No, ten dollars And if you lie down naked on it, I'll give you an extra 25.

I don't even need to be here, I'll step out.

I just need to know that it happened.

Okay, buddy, just leave. Get out.

And come back in a minute.

Being naked's not a problem for me.

♪ ♪


Well, at least I still have the rugelach from Mom.



♪ ♪

The Garfinkel ring.

I think my mom is about to give me... the Garfinkel ring.

It's been passed down in my family for generations.

Rebecca: So how much you think I can get for this?

Oh, also I should mention that it was used in conjunction with an ox to purchase my great-great-grandmother.


Oh, and just so you know, I'm gonna come back for it.

I'm only selling this to you for a couple weeks.

Yeah, sure, great.

I hear that all the time.

So what is it, huh? What is it?

I mean, what's a pretty showered girl like you doing here?

It's nothing shady.

I'm just trying to go to Hawaii with someone else's boyfriend.

That came out wrong. They're breaking up.

It's a long story.

All's fair in love and war.

But there a casualties in both.

Wow, thank you, Confucius.

Give me the cheddar. (snaps)

Good luck, princess.

Thank you.

I am a princess.

And I'm also Kate Hudson.

Paula and I didn't settle on a metaphor.

Never mind. You don't know Paula.

I'll be back for that.

No. No, you won't.

Rebecca: I'll be back after Hawaii.




I'm gonna get doughnuts at the Chinese place.


Valencia: Mom, Mom, this is so exciting.

I am so excited.

I think it's finally gonna happen.

'Cause Joshy told me that we were gonna have a big talk tonight.

I think he's gonna propose, Mom.

(Valencia laughs excitedly)

I'm so excited.

Ugh, I'm so relieved.

I've been getting worried that something was going on, but now I realize that he was just acting nervous because he was buying me a ring.

(Valencia laughs excitedly)

Yeah, Joshy knows that I have engagement rings on hold in every jewelry store in town, so I know he'll get the right one.

Josh and I are finally getting engaged!

I'm gonna celebrate by smelling the doughnuts at the Chinese place.

Okay. Love me more. Bye.

God, what have I done?

Okay, you want these shoes or these shoes for the key ceremony?

Paula, did you hear what I just said?

Valencia thinks she's gonna get proposed to.

And instead she's gonna find out that she got cheated on.

Um, suddenly I don't feel so good.

Well, I told you not to get doughnuts at the Chinese place.

It's not that.

Okay, look.

She is not right for him.

You know this.

She is mean to him. She doesn't respect him.

She treats him terribly.

Yeah, but they've been together a long time.

Yeah, too long.

Long enough.

Okay, you have nothing to feel badly about, okay?

He kissed you.

He is clearly unhappy.

If you put it in your fairy tale metaphor, this is the part where the funny singing raccoon comes along and says, “You're the princess, and you get to rescue the prince from the tower.”

You're right. You're right.

Thank you.

You're right.

It's not a good relationship.

So, put some shoes on.

(snaps) Let's go.

I... I gotta text Josh.

And I gotta tell him not to tell Valencia.

It's just the right thing to do.

What?! Are you insane?!

Give me that.

(both talking at once)

Give me back my phone!

No! Give it back to me!

Uh, now, listen, you are not gonna stop him Give it here!

Telling her about the kiss.

We want them to break up.

I swear to God I will...

Ha-ha! Got your phone.

Ha-ha! Got your car keys.


Meet you at the ceremony. Take a cab. I'll pay you back.

Are you c... ?

This never happened to Rosie O'Donnell.

♪ ♪

(Josh and Valencia talking, muffled)

Josh (muffled): I should've known better... I kissed Rebecca.

You did what? You kissed her?!

I-I feel terrible. I...

You feel terrible.

I got caught up in the moment in court.

I-I don't know what happened; I'm sorry.

I've never... been more sorry in my life.



♪ ♪

Say something. Please.

Oh, wow, I mean, I... wow.

I-I did not expect this conversation to go like this.

I expected something so different.

I thought that you were gonna ask me to...

Never mind. I feel so stupid, I...

Josh: I never meant to hurt you.

Uh, this... this will never happen again.

I guess you want me to move out, so... when I come back from Hawaii...

I didn't say that.

Do you love her?


Josh: God, no.

♪ ♪


I am really, really hurt, but, God, I... I knew something was going on.

I mean, she's (sniffles) smart and... and different and (chuckles) interesting.

So I get it.

You're not mad at me?

You forgive me?

Of course I forgive you, Joshy.

I have to.

You mean everything to me.

I love you.

No, I'll be here when you come back from Hawaii, and... we'll start over again.

Honey, I'm not going anywhere.

Uh, I'm staying here with you.

I don't deserve you.

You're beautiful and perfect like Madonna.

The Bible Madonna.

Not the buff Madonna.

(both chuckle)

♪ ♪

(thunder rumbles)

♪ I try to be good to others ♪
♪ Treat my fellow men like brothers and sisters ♪
♪ That's the story I'm the hero in ♪
♪ So how come I can't zero in ♪
♪ On why this song sounds so sinister? ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ I'm the villain in my own story ♪
♪ I'm the witch in my own tale ♪
♪ Though I insist I'm the protagonist ♪
♪ It's clear that my soul is up for sale ♪
♪ I'm the villain in my own story ♪
♪ The bad guy in my TV show ♪
♪ I'm the “who” in the whodunit ♪
♪ When I go to hell I'll run it ♪
♪ As Satan's CFO ♪

He needs someone to do the books.

Actually I shouldn't do that.

I'm terrible with money.

♪ But wait ♪
♪ How am I a villain? ♪
♪ I give annually to UNICEF ♪
♪ And just last week I helped a lady cross the street ♪
♪ Who was super old and deaf ♪

Wait, where am I?

Aah, a bird! (caws)

♪ I'm the villain in my own story ♪
♪ I'm the bitch in the corner of the poster ♪
♪ I'm the figure in the doorway ♪
♪ Or the Kraken up in Norway ♪
♪ God, who is this song's composer? ♪

It's, like, ridiculously sinister.

Like, ri-dunk-culously sinister.


Well, well, well.

Looks like I've got you now, Valencia!

What do you want to do with me, you evil witch queen?

I am but a humble yoga instructor.

Oh, what I want is... your boyfriend!

(gasps) Not Prince Josh!

Anything but Prince Josh!

Why are you doing this?

I'm Kate Hudson.

We're doing the witch and the princess thing.

Okay? Just go with it.

Okay, so, fine, I'm the princess.

Why, why are you doing this to me?

Because I'm jealous of you and your life!

You're so skinny and Josh is so perfect!

And I want to take it all for myself!

No. And now, I'll cook you into the traditional dish of dinuguan, and serve it to Josh's family!



(laughing continues)

No! No!


Man: Hey, shut up!

♪ I'm the villain in my own story ♪
♪ My actions have gone way too far ♪
♪ I told myself that I was Jasmine ♪
♪ But I realize now I'm Jafar ♪
♪ We're told love conquers all ♪
♪ But that only applies to the hero ♪
♪ Is the enemy what I'm meant to be ♪
♪ Is being the villain ♪
♪ My destiny? ♪

(indistinct chatter)

What time is it? What time is it?

(speaking indistinctly)

Where is she?

Oh, there she is right there.

(gasps) Oh.


Tell me you didn't do it. Please tell me you're still going to Hawaii.

And the moment we've all been waiting for, the woman of the hour, Rebecca Bunch.


♪ ♪



Okay, that's it.

What's going on?

With what?

Look, I'm not stupid.

I think you're mad at me.

Yeah, 'cause you're so smart.

Okay, but what did I do?

You broke my heart, you dumb idiot jerkface!


Okay, I probably shouldn't dwell on particulars, but you broke up with me.

You told me to run after Rebecca.

You did a whole song and dance.

That was a test, you moron.

And you were supposed to say, “Oh, no. That's ridiculous. I couldn't possibly be with her, because I'm dating you and you make me happy.

And you're really hot.”

Oh, a test.

God, I always fail the tests.

I'm a jerk.


The mature rational side of me knows that you're not a jerk.

You just don't feel the same way about me that I do about you.

But, so the emotional side of me wants to spear you through the eye with this dart.

Okay, I see.

What... can I do?

What would make this better?

You are just gonna have to live with the uncertainty.

'Cause I'm gonna be sad and angry, and you're just gonna have to live with it.

Because I'm not quitting this job.

Not this time.

'Cause I love it and I'm, like, really good at it.


Yeah, you are.

Heather, I'm sorry. I messed up.


But... that's, like, what you do.

Everyone, let's get a round of applause for our hero, the most wonderful woman in West Covina, Rebecca Bunch!

(crowd cheering)

(distorted): She is a true inspiration and the champion of our community.

Oh, yeah. (crowd cheering)

Sir, everything's going, um, wobbly.

Excuse me?

I think my life is a giant turd.


Rebecca: He doesn't love me.

He doesn't love me.

I'm broke, I'm broke. I hate my life.

I'm the villain. I hate my life.

I'm the villain. I'm broke.

What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone love me?

He doesn't love me. I hate my life.

Why doesn't anyone love me? He doesn't love me.



We got a runner!

Have fun in Kazakhstan!

(Paula whoops)

I am so happy we worked everything out.

Like, I'm soy proud of us.

Yeah, I thought for sure you were gonna throw me out.

That's the old me.

The new me is very mature and evolved.


I'm hungry.

Should we get dinner?

Okay, great.

Uh, th-there's a new Indian place on East Cameron.

They have really good...


You know Indian makes me gassy.

Right, right.


Uh, you should choose.

Give me the phone.

Okay, well, delivery probably is gonna take forever, so you should, you know, you're gonna get it.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, man.


How are you?

I haven't heard from you in a while.

Oh, wow, I'm good.


Actually, you know what? I'm great.

I-I took your advice, and it's been really interesting.

I bet.

Yeah, I went out with a girl named Charlie and a guy named Dana just to make things as confusing as possible.

(both laughing)

I don't want to say I don't like anyone as much as you, but...

I think I just said it.


That's, uh, that's really sweet.

It is?


You know what, Darryl?

Why don't we start over?

Wipe the slate clean.

Keep things simple.

Can I buy you a boba?


Actually I cannot.

'Cause I left my wallet in that blazer.


I can spot you.

But you still have to get in the line.

Oh, sorry, okay.

(indistinct chatter)


Dr. Akopian.

Can I have another seat?

I-I also would like another seat.

Woman: Ladies, I'm so sorry, but today's flight is completely sold out.

So... we're stuck together for the next five hours.

You want to give it a go?

Do some therapy?


Yeah, let's do this.


For starters, I was conceived on a cruise ship.

I think my mom must've had some, I don't know, bad lobster.

Because the second she felt the sperm enter the egg, she got sick.

In my narrative, I pictured you as, like, the funny singing raccoon.

If you've got love problems, then listen to me, Paula the raccoon.

♪ Love is like digging through a trash can ♪
♪ Searching for old banana peels. ♪