02x01 - Where is Josh's Friend?

Rebecca: Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Whoever this Josh Chan is, you are... you're obsessed with him.

Rebecca: So, you're saying that I moved here from New York and I left behind a job that would have paid me $545,000 a year for a guy I dated for two months when I was 16 at a summer camp.

Here's what happened. I was in New York.

I ran into Josh.

He made me feel warm inside, like glitter was exploding inside me.

Then I moved here. I did not move here because of Josh because that would be crazy and I am not crazy.

I'm so happy that you're in town and I don't think you're crazy at all.

I love him so much.

Do you love her?


Rebecca: Greg, listen to me.

You're not second choice.

I promise. (moans)

Paula: He is Josh's best friend, okay, and if you sleep with Josh's best friend, that ruins any possibility for when you finally come to your senses and realize that you are meant for Josh.

You're sleeping with Rebecca?

All the time. A lot.

It's Greg? It's Greg?!

You're sleeping with Greg?!

I care about you... a lot.

We have fun together, but let's not, like, plan out our future.

Wait, what?

Josh: Rebecca, Valencia and I are done.

Come with me.

No matter what I do, I feel you with me.

Rebecca: Can I tell you something?

I moved here for you.

This is our moment, Josh Chan.

I'm so excited that our love story can finally begin.


Did you mean what you said?

You moved here for me?



Yes, yes, I did and I know it sounds weird, but... allow me... okay.

You have to understand.

When I ran into you in New York, I was at a very low moment.

And, I mean, I don't know, if I'd run into Reuben Fishwell...

Remember that guy from camp with the chapped lips?...

If I'd run into him, I-I-I don't know, I might have followed him to Michigan and-and started a lip balm company.

Okay, but what did you mean when you said, “Our love story can finally begin”?

Um, our what?

Our... our love story?

I didn't say that, you said that.


Josh, I think you need to take a moment and figure out why you're so fixated on every little thing I supposedly said 'cause it feels like you're an emotional stenographer right now.

You definitely said, “Our... ”

Okay, so let's recap the events of tonight.

So, you show up at Jayma's wedding looking all Danny Zuko in a leather jacket that literally came out of space, clutching my old camp letter to your heart, saying you can't stop thinking about me.

Okay, right, but then...

The more I think about this, actually, I get more uncomfortable.

So, let's just stop talking about it, okay?

Like, 'cause we've had s*x once, and you're talking about love and I just think we need to pop the brakes.

Actually, can you take me home?

God, I'm so cold.

O-O-Okay, okay.

I-I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Look, I'll let you off the hook just because you did me so good back there.

(lightly chuckles) I don't know.

Do you want to get some, like, fast food and I'll try to forget about all the crazy stuff you just said, wow.

Uh... yeah... uh... hmm.



♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪

♪ La-la-la, lovey-dove ♪

♪ I can't be held responsible for my actions ♪

♪ She's an ingenue ♪

♪ I have no underlying issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed ♪

♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you can't call her crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪


Wow, that was awesome.


Thank you, Rebecca.


You're really good at that.

Oh, you flatter me, my lord.

(both laugh)

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.


Oh! But, serious, it's my pleasure.

You've had such a rough day.

Inventory's so stressful.

Mm... actually... mm... it's not that big a deal.

We split it up. We chunk it.

Oh, thanks again for letting me crash here while I'm in between places.

Oh, my gosh, of course.

It's the least I could do.

You gave up your apartment to Valencia after you guys broke up like a real gentleman.


Well, I-I guess it's time to hit the couch.

Oh. Yeah. Uh, yeah.


Um, hey, but you know what, if-if you just wanted to snuggle in the bed and sleep with me tonight, y-you could.

Uh, I think this is best.

Keeps things simpler between us, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're right.





Paula: He's still sleeping on the couch?!

It's been three weeks!

Well, exactly, our relationship is new.

Yeah, okay, but he's not sleeping in your bed and he's-he's not telling anyone you're together.

Of course he's not telling anyone.

I'm not telling anyone we're together.

Bah-bah-bah-bah, cookie.

Okay, you-you have to admit it.

I mean, you just, you really screwed things up with Josh.

I mean, the second that you told him you moved here for him, I mean, you know...

(imitates explosion) Game over.

No, no, no, no. You keep saying that, but I fixed it that night.

I fixed it on the way home with Josh, remember?

Can you take me home?

God, I'm so cold.

O-O-Okay, okay.

I-I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Rebecca: You see what I did there?

I made Josh feel like he was the one pushing me into a commitment.

I mean, it was a brilliant argument.

It was better than Sullivan v. the State of New York City, in which

I proved that black mold actually raises SAT scores.

Brilliant rhetoric, but if it had actually worked, he'd be sleeping in your bed right now and he's not.

Honey, he's just there for the s*x.

He's exploiting you.

He's... he's effsploiting you.


He's effsplo... oh, that's real... that's really good. I just came up with that.

I should monetize that. Should I buy an “url”?

No, it's “U-R-L.”

And is it jif or gif?

Nobody knows.

And, Paula, he's not effsploiting me.

If anything, he's, um... respeffing me.

Yes. He's respeffing the hell out of me.

Face it, Rebecca.

What you've got with Josh is an Airbnb with benefits.

You are so wrong. You don't even know what happened this morning. Okay, so...

I was getting dressed.

Joshy walks in. Hey, babe.

Hey, Ba... duh... there.

Uh, um, got to hustle or I'll be late for work.

You seen my socks?

The-the good ones that wick moisture?

I have not.


I don't want to put my gi in with my dirty clothes.

It's disrespectful to the practice.

Hey, um... this just popped into my nogs...

Why don't you leave a few things here?

You shouldn't have to keep everything in your car like a vagrant.

And I live two blocks from the dojo.

Just... at least keep your karate stuff here.

It just makes sense.

You're already doing a lot.

I... I don't want to take up any space.

I mean... are you sure?

You will not take up space.

I have plenty of room.

Just put it in one of my drawers.

Come on.

Okay, cool.


Is that Greg's sweatshirt?

Greg said he wanted to go to Emory, right?

No... no, no, no, that's not Greg's.

That's... that's my friend Emory's.

It's funny. It's a joke.

She has a sweatshirt that says Rebecca on it.

Okay, yeah, that's Greg's, but it's fine, forget Greg.


Man, Greg.

I haven't seen him since you and I started...

(under breath): you know, it's like...

Uh, mm, I know... you know what?



Greg's doing great.

I've barely heard from him.

So... he is fine.

Uh... Greg is not fine.

Oh, yes, he is. I showed you the one text I've gotten from him in, what, a month.

No, please, no.

Let's read it.

Not again.

“Hey, Bunch, sorry about Jayma's wedding. I ducked up. This morning I found out my mom had some bad plastic surgery, so I got to go to L.A. for a few weeks and help her take care of the kids. See you when I get back.”

And that's it.

Radio silence for the rest of the month. So, you and Josh needn't worry about Greg.

I am clearly out of his life and that's cool.

I'm over it.

Yeah, are you? Are you really?

Because when you went to the wedding with Greg, you were, like, in love with him.

I mean, was I? I don't think I was in love with him.

You are ping - ponging around.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, and it is not good for you... or me.

I mean, do you remember when I found out you were sleeping with Greg, in the hospital?

I screamed at you so hard, I strained my groin.

Do you not want the plain hummus?

Ugh, no.

Who eats plain hummus?

All right, look...

What's wrong, Paula?

It's like you don't even believe in me and Josh anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. You don't?

I used to think that you two had destiny on your side.

I really did.


I mean, I hate to say it, but I just... I don't think Josh cares about you the way you want him to.

I thought you were a great romance and, you know what, maybe I was wrong.

What?! Paula!


I... can't... !

How can you say that?!

Oh... Okay. I...

How can you say that?!


No, he loves me!

He loves me!


Let me tell you something, when we make love... the way he looks into my eyes without blinking, the way he-he holds me in his arms.

I know it.

I know he feels the same way.

And, hello, this morning he-he made a massive commitment to me.

Oh! What?

It's the drawer, Paula, the drawer.

I mean, don't you see what the drawer means?

Yes. I do.

It means you're ducking a homeless man.

No. You're wrong.

Because he loves me.

How do you know? I mean, besides the s*x.

What evidence do you have that he cares?

Rebecca: How do I know he loves me?

It's the little things.

Little compliments here and there that I secretly stockpile in my woman brain.

I can live for days off a single...

You really listen to me.

Rebecca: I'm like a sexy fashion cactus, living from compliment to compliment, hint to hint, storing them in my body through long periods of drought.

I may look dry, but if you cut me open, you'll find only water inside.

Incidentally, that's also a useful fact for how to survive in the desert.

But how do I know he loves me?

I guess the only way to prove it... is with abstract symbolism.

♪ ♪

Those jeans are cute. Want some of my smoothie?

Wait, you should put this pillow under your knees first.

♪ He gives me love kernels ♪
♪ Each little crumb another tasty clue ♪
♪ Love kernels ♪
♪ 'Cause if you read between the lines, he's saying ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Love kernels ♪
♪ Save those kernels up ♪
♪ To make a bowl of popcorn ♪
♪ Love kernels ♪
♪ A handful is the proper serving anyway ♪
♪ I know when you say ♪

Rebecca: I want to go to Colorado sometime.

♪ It means you're thinking 'bout ♪
♪ The future with me ♪
♪ I know a 3:00 a.m. text means ♪
♪ I was in your dreams ♪
♪ Before you woke up to pee ♪

♪ It's a 3:00 a.m. subtext ♪

♪ And I know you care ♪
♪ When you say “I'm going to a movie tonight ♪
♪ My friend bailed, wanna come?” ♪
♪ It means I'm the most important person in his life ♪
♪ Next to his friend ♪

But he's been his friend since he was, like, five, so that's saying a lot.

Okay, rude.

♪ I'd do anything for those ♪
♪ Love droplets ♪
♪ Like a hamster in a cage ♪
♪ Slurp, slurp ♪
♪ Love droplets ♪
♪ Each a letter on a page in the novel of our love ♪
♪ Love droplets ♪
♪ Falling down from the sky ♪
♪ And when I mix it in with the tears I cry ♪
♪ It makes a full glass of water ♪
♪ God, I'm thirsty after all that popcorn ♪
♪ I'll be patient ♪
♪ Until the droplets become ♪
♪ A river that needs a dam ♪
♪ I'll be patient ♪
♪ Until the kernels rain down ♪
♪ Like candy on Shaquille O'Neal ♪

♪ In the movie Kazaam ♪

♪ Whatever you got, baby, I'll take it, baby ♪

What are you up to today?

♪ I'll take it ♪

Your house smells like lemon.

♪ I'll take it ♪

Where's my phone?

♪ It's a stretch ♪

But I'll take that, too.

♪ I'll take all your love kernels ♪
♪ This video ate up our production budget ♪
♪ Love kernels ♪
♪ We used up literally every cent ♪
♪ Love kernels ♪
♪ Darryl is now played by a broom on a stand ♪
♪ But like your love kernels ♪
♪ We'll do our best with what we have. ♪



♪ ♪

I mean, you should see how Rebecca has messed everything up.

(chuckling): Yeah. “I moved here for you.”

There's no recovering from that.

That's what I said. But, you know, she's a child, and, I mean, it is obvious she has no idea what she's doing without me.


I mean, he's sleeping on her couch!

You mean the one she sold for $35 to a stranger who defiled it with his seed?

Yes. And ironically, it's a pull-out.

Which she's not telling him, because she wants him to sleep in her bed... Oh, my God, what am I doing?

Why are we talking about this again?

You know I am trying to wean myself off of the Rebecca madness.

And you're doing great.

No, I'm not. It's like I need a harness.

Oh, by the way, that came in the mail today.

God, I love Amazon Prime.

You know, it's like I-I want to give up on Rebecca's scheming, I do... but it's just, it... every morning I still wake up with an emptiness and a longing, and... I mean, at first I thought it was because you and I weren't boning, but... we bone all the time now.

Yeah, and we just got that harness, so... things are going up a level...

Oh, yes, Daddy! (chuckles)

Oh! I just...

You know, there's just still something missing in my life.

I just... and I don't know what it is.

Brendan's been gone for three days.

(gasps) Maybe it's that.

(door opens)

Brendan: I'm back, Mom!

No. No, definitely not that.

♪ ♪

Dude, Rebecca and I are keeping things casual.

I swear it.



Do you leave stuff at her house?


Okay, I...

I leave just, like, one thing.

She lives very close to the dojo.

Oh, man, she's trapping you. I mean, stuff is weird with this girl. She was just with Greg.

Yeah, but that's over.

Does he know that?

Not yet.

Dude, okay. It'll be fine. I'll tell Greg, I promise Look, I have to live somewhere.

I can't afford a brand-new apartment. I have to save up.

I-I can't go back and live with my mom like I'm a little kid.


Oh, sorry, you live with your mom.

No, I don't live with my mom. I live with my best friend.


So, is Rebecca like your girlfriend?

No! I don't know.

I care about her. We're close.

I can talk to her in a way I can't talk to other people...


(scoffs) But... she is a little...


I don't know if I would say that.

You want to sleep with crazy, that's fine.

s*x with crazy's great...

Is it great, by the way? How great?

It's unbelievable.



Like, what kind of stuff?

Like off the menu?

You ever hear of a Mississippi Love Slide?


What's that?

Okay, you're gross. You need to grow up.

What? You're the one that needs to grow up.

You grow up! Your mom makes lunches for you, like, every day.

That's only because they don't sell crust-less bread at the supermarket, bitch.

Look, I heard what you said, but Rebecca and I know what we're doing.

We're adults.

And she's definitely not crazy.

So, I went shopping for... just a few accessories for your drawer.


Um... Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Okay. Yeah... (nervously chuckles)

(”The Entertainer” plays softly) (squeals)

I know. It's a lot. Okay. Let me give you the grand tour.

Okay. So, over here, you can charge all of your devices. We got HDMI, USB, and this is a personal safe. Now, you set the code. I don't know the code.

So you have complete privacy. Wa-Wait. Wait...

What's that song?

Do you like it?

Oh, it's, uh... it's Scott Joplin's “The Entertainer.”

Wait. It's like...

♪ Where can I put my clothes ♪

(gasps) ♪ They're in my own special drawer ♪
♪ Now I can ♪
♪ Stay at Rebecca's house ♪
♪ And still have all of my stuff neatly folded ♪
♪ Socks, underwear and more... ♪

Th-That's great. That... yeah. That... That-that's great.

Yeah? Um, and-and you're going to do this to... all the drawers?

Uh, yes. Yes, yes.

This was, uh... this gave me the idea.

So I'm gonna put Scott Joplin in... every drawer.

Uh, in fact, this drawer is gonna be...

“Maple Leaf Rag.”

It's like, um...

♪ Here are the bras that got too small ♪
♪ I went on a bad birth control ♪
♪ My boobs got so big ♪
♪ I'm waiting for someone with smaller boobs ♪
♪ To show up, so I can give them all my old bras ♪
♪ Ah, Ba-Ba-Ba, da-da-da-da. ♪

So... are you, like, nuts about your drawer, or what?

Oh... It's great! Uh, you know, it-it's just when I said drawer, I-I pictured... just a drawer.


But... would “just a drawer” have... this?

Oh, man, you got them?

Yeah. It's, um...

It's Amazon Prime, two-day delivery.

(handcuffs land on bed)




Yay! (laughs)


Greg: Hey, dickweed.


(grunts) Greg? What... ?

What are you doing here?

Visiting my girlfriend.


Dude, Rebecca and I never broke up, you know that.

Well, if anyone else had to screw her, it might as well be my best friend.

Okay, I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

She... she said you guys were over and it was okay.



She... she says so many things.

She-she has me so confused.

Whatever. You're dead to me.

Tell Rebecca's friend Emory she's never getting her sweatshirt back.

Where are you going?

Back to my tree branch.

Your what?

You heard me.


(”The Entertainer” playing)

Josh, it was just a dream. Greg's not a falcon.

Okay. How do you know?

You haven't seen him in a month.


I can't see you anymore, Rebecca.

I can't even look at you.

Josh, Josh, um, I'm sorry, are you sure you're freaking out about Greg?

'Cause it seems like you're just freaking out about us.

No. It's about what's right and what's wrong.

It's about ethics and morals and Jesus and birds of prey.

Can't you see? Until this is cleared up with Greg...

(closes drawer, music stops)

... you and I are on pause.

What? No. Josh, come... no!

Wait, Josh! (groaning): Greg!

Hi, so sorry to bother you...

But is this Greg Serrano's mom, Shauna?

Listen, I know this is a difficult time, you're probably still recovering, and your face is... (chuckles) just a mess, but I need to speak to your son Greg...

I'm sorry... Your face is fine?

You haven't seen Greg in how long?

Oh. Who the hell am I?

Okay, well, I've had s*x with your son, and I really need to tell him that I'm dating a...

Hello? Hello?

That's not a nice word to say to someone.

(sighs) Okay.

I know you know where Greg is.

And if you don't tell me right now, I will physically harm you.

Without a moment's hesitation.

Just so you know, I got all that on voice memo.

I record all conversations with adults.

Oh. Very smart.

(sighs) Come on, Chris.

I know how tight you and Greg are.

I mean, you set up that fake Tinder profile just to mess with people.

Oh, yeah. Sheila Boobson.

Yeah. Ew.


I don't know where he is.

But even if I did, I can't spill my boy's secrets.

He's part of my squad, my crew, my wolf pack.

He's my boy, my peeps, my ride-or-die bitch.

Wow. Greg has some weird friendships.


So, here's the thing.

I really need to find him.

It's really important, so please just tell me where he is?

Look, I can't tell you where he is, but I can say he's fine.

He's fine? What does that mean?

You know what? You're clearly no help, so, yeah.

Patrons can't be back here.

It's, like, a health code violation.

You're painting your toenails on top of potatoes.

Yeah, they're gonna be peeled.

Okay, Heather, I need to find Greg.

And I know you know where he is.

Oh, I really don't.

All I know is it's awesome he's not around 'cause I get all his shifts and now I can finally buy that kayak.

What? I'm outdoorsy.

Oh, God, you're useless, too.


God, I really didn't want to have to do this.

(knocks on door)

Buon giorno, Marco, come stai?

Oh, man, this crazy bitch.

Wow, that was barely under your breath.

Um, I brought you some hummus.


It's plain. Who eats plain hummus?

Okay, look, Marco, I know you don't know me that well...

But I know your type. You mess with people's lives and then pass it off as quirky.

Excuse me, I do not do... whoa!

(giggles) Silly me.

Listen, I am looking for Greg.

Uh, we had... a thing and I haven't heard back from him.

What does that tell you?

Maybe he needs a little break from you and your woo-woo-woo.

(soft chuckle) Okay.

I can see I'm not gonna get anywhere with you.

No, no, you're not.

(exhales) Okay, good day, sir.


Hey, hey. I'll take that back.

You said you didn't like plain.

No, I'll add red peppers myself.

That's weird.


(softly): Yeah.

Thanks for covering for me, Dad.

Oh, hey, look, any time.

You know, sometime soon you're gonna have to tell everyone the truth.

Even this, uh, crazy chick.

I know.

(door opens and shuts)



The-the safe is under the desk.

The code is 2738.

Josh: What?


What the...

Dude, what the hell?

You scared the crap out of me.

What are you doing in here?

Um, I kind of slept here.

Or at least I tried to.

I don't have a place to live.

Is it cool if I crash here for a few days?

You always say how Aloha's a chill place.

Bro, this is your workplace.

It's just so unprofesh.

You got to get your life together, okay?

Grow up.

Dude, I'm grown up.

(popping, Josh chuckles)

Sorry, one of those was a fart.

Dude, I'm, like, a year younger than you, and I've got a house and two kids, and you're sleeping on packing materials.

Well, I was staying on a friend's couch, but I can't do that anymore.

Hector lives with his mom, White Josh is with his boyfriend all the time, Beans' house was condemned.

I don't know who those people are.

So my only choices are staying here or living with my parents.

Dude, you got to figure it out because you can't stay here.


I don't know what to do because, if I don't find Greg, I won't be able to confess everything about me and Josh and get his unconditional blessing, and then I'm-I'm just gonna lose everything.

Including the Scott Joplin drawer.

The what?


♪ It's the drawer that I gave to Josh. ♪

Never mind. Paula, okay, I need your help because I need to find Greg and I don't know how, (whispers): but I know you do.

Please, please, please, please.

You're so good at this stuff.

You're so good at it.

It would be so easy for you.

Uh, is your foot on my crotch?

I'm sorry, I forgot what I was trying to do here.

Paula, um...

I'm desperate, okay?

Really, I-I need, I need to find Greg.

Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey, I told you...

Oh, my God, this is a workplace.

Okay? No sleeves, no service.


Thank you for bringing me lunch, Joshua.

And before you leave, I've got a little something for you.



That's great. It'll make things easier.


Sorry, you're giving him a key to your apartment? What?

That's right, I gave this man the key to my heart, and now I'm giving him the key to my “ap-heart-ment”"

Mmm. (laughs)

(continues laughing)

But he doesn't have a drawer, right?

What, a drawer? No, because he's got a dresser.

White Josh: Just for the essentials.

Protein powder, glutamine, socks.


I want that.

You want broccoli?

No, no, I want, I want a, I want a key.

I want a dresser.

And I can have it all, Paula.

All I need to do is just find Greg.

Don't do those...

No Bambi eyes, you know I can't. I can't.

Not... no, stop it.

Oh, God, it's so tempting, it's like a box full of donuts under my face.

Eat the donut, Paula.


Eat it. Eat it. I...

No. No. No.

Eat it. Eat it.

Eat it. Eat it.

No. No.

Eat it.


Rebecca: Paula, thank you so much for helping me find Greg.

I know it makes you feel dirty and hate yourself, but I really need it.

Mmm. Yeah-huh. Yeah.

All right. Yay.

Paula: All we have to do is take the IP address of his phone, which I have, and then I triangulate the cell tower records, which are way easier to access than they should be.

Yeah, I mean, Snowden was a hero.

Paula: And voila.

All of Greg's comings and goings for the last month.


This is insane, you're so good.

Thank you.

You're so good.

I know.


It's really sexy. Okay.

Uh, let's see, so it looks like Greg has been going from his house to a location on East Cameron every day.


Okay, hold on, it is... locking down on a place.

What could that be? What's on East Cameron?

Okay, like, literally everything.


(computer chimes)

There it is. Hey.

Okay. Got it?

All right. Okay. All right.

Come on. Let's go.

No. Nope.

I... you know, oh, I have so much work to do, and I just, I don't know...

Hey, Paula?

You're cervix deep in this now, let's go.

I'm so glad we didn't change your room so it's ready for you.


(chuckles) Your father wanted to make your room into an indoor sauna, (chuckles) but I said, “What if he comes back?”

It's just temporary, Mom.

I just need time to save up some money.

A few months, a few years.

I'm just happy you're coming home.

I can make those grilled cheese sandwiches you like with the crusts cut off.

I'm an adult.

I eat crusts now.

Of course you do, sweetie.


Where are we? What is this place?


I smell cigarettes and burnt coffee.

You know what that means.



Greg's not an alcoholic.

I drink anywhere.

Tacos and tequila.

But I do my study drinking... here.

We're way too sober for this wedding. How about I get us some shots?

Oh, I don't leave when there's whiskey left.

I need to take... I need to take a nap.

White Josh: Ah, yes, the classic Serrano pass-out.


Yeah, I called that one.

Look, there he is, there he is.

Hi, I'm Greg.

Oh. (shushing)

He's gonna say something.

So I'm here because one night I had ten cocktails at a wedding.

As one does.

And then I passed out in my own vomit.

As one does.

The next morning I got in my car and a cop stopped me, uh, as they do, when you're weaving.

And, um...

Turns out, I was still legally drunk from the night before and I got arrested, as, again, one does, um...

The judge sentenced me to come here every day for a month.

(sighs) My plan was to knock out these meetings, get my court card signed, and go back to being as angry as I could with just about anyone I could think of.

My mom, my dad, my job, West Covina, men who wear skinny jeans.

Man: Yeah!

Thank you, Frank.

But that whole time, there was one person I was really angry at.

That's me, it's me, he's talking about me.


Oh, it's him, it's him, that's better, it's him.

Yeah, way better.

Greg: I'm responsible for not only what happened that night, but for the whole mess that was my life up to that night.

And now I see...

I needed to face something that I'd always known.

That I'm an alcoholic.

And I've known that since I had my first drink. My first sip felt like I...

I don't know, like glitter was exploding inside of me.

(Greg sighs)

(clears throat) That's how alcohol affects me.

So here I am, facing that reality.

And, uh, now that I have, the funny thing is, I'm not as angry anymore.

At anyone, really, including myself.

I mean, the guys who still wear the skinny jeans...

I mean, enough already.

Frank: Yeah!

Yeah, amen, Frank.

Um, anyway, thank you all for listening.

And thanks for putting up with me these past few weeks.

When I just thought you were a bunch of sad losers.

But now I know that I am... uh.. We're not...

(quietly): you know what I'm saying.

Also, I am so sorry for the glitter metaphor.

I don't know where that came from.

Uh, but it felt right.

(softly): So...

So... is now a bad time to tell him about Josh?

(mutters): I don't know.


God, I felt so bad at that meeting tonight.

Yeah, tough break for Greg.

(scoffs) I don't care about that guy.

I always knew he was a boozer.

No, I feel bad because I realized something.

That glitter feeling? I know that feeling.

I feel it every time I do those bad things to help Rebecca.

Oh, it's like my drug.

It's like I-I swear it off, and then tonight she just... pulls me back in.

It's like I did another fistful of blow.

I'm addicted to her life.

It's like the high I get from those vampire novels, or The Bachelor, or when I write a really great legal brief at work.

So why don't you do more of those?

Fill the void with something you're good at and like.

Write more briefs or something.

Well... I mean, that's... that's not how it works, Scott.

I mean, I can't just, you know, go around writing random legal papers for fun.

All right.

You'll figure something out.

Rebecca: Paula...

Paula, come back to me. I need you.

I don't know what to do.

'Cause I can't tell Greg about me and Josh because...

(scoffs) poor guy, that's the last thing he needs.

He'll probably start drinking again.

But I was thinking what if there's a way for Greg to find out about me and Josh, without me being the bad guy and having to tell him.


Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Wait.

Okay, so I have an idea. Now, this is the bad pitch.

Something like this. It's fine, don't worry about it.

So, we arrange, somehow, maybe through the radio, for Josh and Greg to win a sweepstakes.

Maybe they win, like, $10,000 and a trip to Belize.

So they're on the beach, and a skywriter plane flies over them, and it spells out “Josh and Rebecca are in love.”

Now, by this point, let's say it's, like, ten days in, Josh and Greg are in great moods.

They've been playing with monkeys, going to cat hotels, drinking Mai tais...

Greg can't drink Mai tais.

Drinking virgin Mai tais.

And Greg is gonna see the banner with tears in his eyes, turn to Josh and say, “Oh, my gosh, I suddenly know your truth, and you know mine... Embrace me, brother.”

Now, as they're hugging, I come down on a parachute and I go, “What are you guys doing here?

Did you win a contest? I won a contest!

First draft. All thoughts are welcome.


Do it.

No, you're joking. What?

I've given this a lot of thought, and I have made a decision.

I can give advice and I can listen, but I cannot do any more immoral or illegal things.

No more schemes. It is not good for me.

And if you are really my friend, then you will accept it.

Wow, um... okay.

So you agree?

Uh... yeah. I mean, I guess I agree.

Great! Okay!

Uh, I just need you to sign something.

Mrs. H?

Oh, hello.

What's this?

Okay, this is just a simple contract laying out the terms of our friendship.

It stipulates that my services as a friend are limited to consultation and support, and excludes shenanigans.

So you just need to sign here, here, and... here.

Initial there, there, and there.

Paula, this isn't fair. This is not what best friends do to each other.

They don't make each other sign legally binding contracts.

Do... do you not trust me?

Honey, of course I trust you.

I don't trust myself.

Wow, this is really well done.

I did it myself. You like it?

I mean, no, I hate it, but...

Paula, it's excellent work.

Are you sure you want me to sign this?


For friendship.


Thank you.

Dude, you are gonna love living with your parents.

I mean, everyone says the best part is the laundry, but I don't care about that.

Real talk, if I have a nightmare, I don't have to tough it out.

You hear what I'm saying?

Sounds great.

You're doing the right thing, man.

Maybe one of these nights we can both take our moms out.

Double date!


(”The Entertainer” playing)

♪ When your fella no longer wants a drawer ♪
♪ And you don't want to hurt your alcoholic friend ♪
♪ God it's so hard to sing a sad song ♪
♪ With a melody that makes you want to Charleston. ♪
♪ ♪

(doorbell rings)


Uh, what are you doing here?

I am looking for those socks.

They're... pricey.

The ones that wick moisture.

Right. Right. 'Cause your feet are sweaty.



Yeah, let's look for 'em.

Great, great.

Actually, I'm really glad you're here.

I've been wanting to talk to you about something.

About socks? (chuckles)



I think you were right about the Greg thing.

It's just, I have this, um... intuition that he's not in a good place right now.

So I agree with you.

You're, um, very smart and wise, as usual.

Until we make things okay with Greg, I do not think we should interact in a romantic way.

Oh, God, I am so glad I came over and we are on the same page.

I feel the exact same way.

I'm so relieved.

I mean, this is the best I've felt in a long time.

Yeah, I'm-I'm glad that we're practicing self-control.

Me, too. We're super mature.



Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.





♪ ♪
♪ We should definitely not have s*x right now ♪
♪ We should definitely not have s*x right now ♪
♪ It would complicate the situation ♪
♪ It's the adult thing to not have s*x right now ♪
♪ We have the common sense not to have s*x right now ♪
♪ I need time to reflect ♪
♪ And I'm in a really weird place ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It feels so good to be having s*x right now ♪
♪ It's so good to be having s*x right now ♪

Both: ♪ What makes it so good is we just said ♪
♪ We shouldn't be having s*x right now ♪
♪ But now we can't stop having s*x right now ♪
♪ I mean, it would be weirder to stop having s*x ♪
♪ Such a good point, we might as well just finish ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We should definitely not have s*x again ♪
♪ We should definitely not have s*x again ♪
♪ What are we, bonobos in a tree? ♪
♪ There's no reason to have s*x again ♪
♪ But I'll be ready to go again in ten ♪
♪ Okay, what if we say this is the last s*x night? ♪
♪ It's like in movies when robbers do one last heist ♪
♪ Tonight will be our last s*x heist ♪
♪ But then again, those movies always get a sequel. ♪

(song ends)

Yeah, I don't...

I don't... (mutters)

(both moaning)

(speaking indistinctly)

♪ ♪


Yeah, this.

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Director: And cut!

Rebecca: Great job!

Everyone, so good. Great take.

So, what's this for again? Is it for TV, film?

Oh. No, no, this is just in my head.

What do you mean, in your head?

This is all fake. Yeah, this is, um...

It's like an emotional thesis statement for myself.

None of you exist.

But that can't be true.

I have feelings, I have memories.

No, you don't. I just have an active fantasy life.

I created you, and I can destroy you.

Okay, let's run it again.

Do I exist?

Anyone else have any questions?

Okay, from the top. Thanks. Bye.