02x10 - Will Scarsdale Like Josh's Shayna Punim?
Posted: 01/14/17 10:23
Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
This is Nathaniel Plimpton, the new co-owner of the firm.
We're gonna start running this place like a real business.
My father and our firm demand nothing less.
Moved here for Josh Chan?
Of course you would do something like give up your wonderful life in New York to be near that... that loser.
Josh: I know I hurt you, and I don't blame you for not trusting me, but I promise you it'll be different this time.
We'll start over, do things the right way.
Rebecca, I love you.
Oh... you love me?
You mean you love something about me.
No, you.
I love you.
Oh, my God, I love you, too, Josh Chan.
Come here.
♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪
♪ La-la-la, lovey-dove ♪
♪ I can't be held responsible for my actions ♪
♪ She's an ingenue ♪
♪ I have no underlying issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed ♪
♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you can't call her crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪
Blam!
Okay, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Both: In a relationship!
Oh, that's so great. Let's post to Instagram.
Okay, #StatusUpdate #ItsFacebookOfficial.
Rebecca, leave it to the professional.
#FromTheMountaintops #EverAfter #DoubleRainbows #MerrilyMerrilyMerrilyLifeIsButADream.
Okay, done. Posted.
(both giggle)
Skyler's gonna love this photo.
Wait, my cousin Skyler? Why is he following you?
We're going to his bar mitzvah this weekend.
I friended practically his whole class at Scarsdale Middle School.
Jonah Leibowitz is playing hard to get, but I'll get him.
(clucks tongue) Oh.
You know, normally, I wouldn't look forward to going to a family bar mitzvah, but now that you'll be there, it's just gonna be different and supes awss.
#SupesAwss, I love it.
Oh, my God, I love it, too.
Okay, #SupesAwss, let's do it. Okay.
Both: One, two, three.
Supes awss!
(Rebecca and Josh laughing)
You know, studies have shown that couples who post a lot on social media are often insecure about their attachment.
Heather, did you just look that up?
No, I actually started with a hypothesis, and then I backed it up with a Vox article.
It's standard scientific method.
Okay, well, you're way off because Josh and I just want to show the world our happiness...
Mm-hmm.
... and maybe once they see our happiness, it'll spread and then there will be no more w*r.
Mm, mwah. That's right, baby.
That's how peace happens.
Rebecca: Yeah.
Love fixes everything. (giggles)
I just don't think that's realistic.
Both: Just shut up, Heather!
Okay? You don't know what you're talking about.
And you know why?
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ It's only smooth, smooth sailing from now on ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ We used to have problems, but now they're gone ♪
♪ Phew ♪
♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ Back when we had problems? ♪
♪ Oh, man, that was annoying ♪
♪ But now our love has magically solved them ♪
♪ And there won't be any more in our future at all... ♪
Okay, so you guys are, like, super delusional.
Ugh, go away, Heather. Yeah, get out!
Fine, I guess I'll just Soul Train out of here, losers.
Josh and Rebecca: ♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ Now everyone will know that our love is undying ♪
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ No more nights ♪
♪ Of randomly crying ♪
♪ We'll never worry about paying the bills ♪
♪ The only money we'll need is sunset ♪
♪ If we feel like we've run out of thrills ♪
♪ Hey, look, another sunset ♪
♪ We don't need gasoline ♪
♪ Our car will run on love ♪
♪ Elon Musk is developing that kind of car ♪
♪ The first test failed ♪
♪ But that's 'cause it wasn't true love ♪
♪ They say obsession biologically lasts ♪
♪ Four years at most ♪
♪ But science doesn't apply to us ♪
♪ Some say we're all repeating patterns ♪
♪ Taught by our parents ♪
♪ But that's just... ♪
No.
That's...
That's not a thing. No. No, no, it's not. No, no.
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ No more ups and downs ♪
♪ It's just ups and ups and ups ♪
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ Our love has made us totes invincible ♪
♪ I've been cynical most of my life ♪
♪ And everything's fallen flat ♪
♪ Now, for once, the situation's a lot less nuanced than that ♪
♪ We're problem free ♪
♪ That's you and me ♪
♪ We're problem free ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ That's you and me ♪
♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
(softer): ♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
♪ Live fade out. ♪
Both (whispering): Live fade out, live fade out, live fade out, live fade...
Paula, be totally honest.
Does this suit say, "Hey, Nathaniel, I'm a lot like you, a successful power player who deserves respect and at least some important responsibilities. Hmm?"
Yeah, you know, it says something more like, "Irregular, 30% off, The Suit Barn."
Maybe not that honest.
No, doofus.
It's what it says on your tag.
Oh! Oh, oh.
Good call.
Yeah.
Are there any more?
Yeah, no, you're... you're... great.
Hey, there.
Wow, you have the most intense look on your face.
I'm excited for your other looks, whenever those get going.
Wow, so you found, uh, Rebecca's, uh, treadmill desk.
Yes. Took maintenance a while to get out the hot dog smell.
Well, you know Rebecca.
She loves to jog and dog.
Darryl, what can I do for you?
The question is: What can I do for you?
Because I get it.
You're now the number one; I'm the number two, dangling under you, ready to drop in, make a splash.
Darryl, stop.
So you're not craving a number two?
There's no rumblings for a deuce?
No.
Cool, cool. Well, I'm not gonna push it.
I'm just gonna go back one out.
I mean... I'm just gonna back out.
Uh-oh.
You're not even separating out the buttered-popcorn-flavored ones.
Didn't go well, huh?
What? No, it went great.
Yeah, I mean, he doesn't have a lot for me now, but I know he will soon.
Absolutely.
I mean, it's all gonna change once he gets that big client.
That what? What client?
You know, that huge client that he used to rep in the L.A. office, and his dad said he could also represent them here.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The-the big client. To...
I thought you said, "The pig client."
You don't know about them?
The pork processing place out in Duarte?
Oh, you got to check that out.
But you said "the big client."
That's the one... that's the one that has the weird name that's... it's hard to pronounce.
How do you, how do you say it?
Just off the top of your head.
Say it. Just say it.
Peterson Car Sales?
Mm, close, but it's actually Petterson.
It's Petterson Car Sales.
Yeah, that's it.
Correct pronunciation.
Anyway, over and out.
(mouth full): I got a lot of work to do.
Oh... you found my old hot dog cooker.
Pop the cover off, set it to 3.4 MPH, slide some Ball Park fatties on those rollers, it cooks up (clucks tongue) real nice.
(exhales) Oh.
Yeah... what are you doing to yourself?
High interval impact training.
It's intense periodic exertion, which activates your fight or flight.
It's not a real workout unless your body is convinced it's being chased by a lion.
Mm, that sounds factual.
So, listen, I wanted to let you know I'm heading out a little early today.
I have some unused vacation days, and you can fact-check that with Karen.
Okay, where you going?
You and Flip Flop going on a romantic weekend at a Sandals Resort?
Sandals, that was really good.
It's a little sad no one else was around to hear that.
I don't know, I might say it again later.
Seriously, where are you going?
We are going to a family bar mitzvah.
So, he is going to meet the entire Garfinkel clan.
That's my mom's side of the family.
It will be wonderful.
All right. If you say so.
I do say so, because he is the man of my dreams.
You know you say that a lot?
I've never heard anyone else use the term "man of my dreams" before you.
Sounds like something a super secure person says.
Uh, well... you don't know us, and you don't know me, and you don't know us, so...
Well, you are gonna miss something great around here.
My father is just about to give us a huge client.
Massive. Just waiting for the final go-ahead from him.
So, go have fun.
I'll be here, being awesome.
Oh, hey, on your way out, can you just give me a roar?
Like a loud, fast roar.
Doesn't have to be a lion.
It can be like a howler monkey or something like that.
Anything, really. Just a predator.
A land-based predator would be... never mind.
Have a great weekend.
It's a family event; that's a big step.
Yeah.
(both chuckling)
Almost as big as when you announced your relationship status on Waze, which I didn't even know was a thing.
Well, when it feels this great, you want everyone to know.
Everyone?
(exhales)
Thank you for texting me back.
I, um, used up my data plan sending you sad Bitmojis and Golden Girls GIFs.
JIFs? Is it GIFs or JIF... Never mind.
It's not your job to tell me.
Yeah, uh, I had to take a few days once I heard about you and Josh.
I wanted to make sure you're okay.
It's not my favorite thing, you guys being a couple... but I'm okay.
And are we okay?
The answer doesn't have to be yes.
Good, because the answer is "eh."
Totally get it.
But don't worry about me, really.
If you need to worry about someone, worry about yourself.
Me, why?
Don't you see that Josh is, like, all over the place and lost?
But that was before.
And I saw from the post you shared on OpenTable that you're taking him home to see your family.
I know your relationship with your mom is kind of tough.
Yeah, but now I have Josh, so, you know, it won't bother me.
Love protects you.
(chuckles softly) So, the things that used to annoy me about going home won't annoy me anymore.
Hmm.
You know? Josh is like a blankie, a suit of armor or a bulletproof vest.
Honey, just because Josh Chan owns all those things doesn't mean he is all those things.
He's not magic.
It's like magic, FB, when Rebecca and I are together.
Yeah, I read about it on your post on Draw Something.
Oh, shh, shh.
Nope.
Sorry, go on.
This family weekend is really important, and I don't want to screw it up.
You know Rebecca's mother doesn't like me.
At parents' weekend at camp, she asked me if I had pierced her daughter's hymen.
A-And I told her, "No, Rebecca showed up to camp with those earrings."
Wow.
What if people don't like me? What if I say the wrong thing?
What if an old person calls me Oriental?
(chuckles softly)
Look, Josh, I'm a man of God and I try to believe the best about everyone, but if you think you're gonna make it through a whole weekend with a bunch of 70-year-olds and not get called an Oriental, you're out of your ever-loving mind.
Oh!
(sighs) Nope.
But, Father Brah, I've been bouncing from girl to girl all year.
I've told everyone in my life, including my followers on Moviefone, that Rebecca and I are the real deal.
This relationship has to work out.
It just has to.
Because it's the main thing going on in your life right now?
Yeah, kind of.
Josh, do you think you're defining yourself through your relationship?
You define yourself by your relationship to Jesus.
Wow, you got me there, man.
Where are you, you little minx?
Brah, I didn't know you were into bird-watching.
Oh, no, I'm not. I, uh, stashed my weed in one of these trees.
Oh.
Yeah, there it is.
Okay, so, if my mom asks, you have no opinion on politics, I've been using the bath salts she sent me, and the Garfinkel ring is in the safe deposit box.
What's the Garfinkel ring?
It's a long story; I'll tell you later.
Okay, this is gonna be great.
Because, with you here, I'll be calm.
I love you.
I love you, too.
It's gonna be great.
Oh.
I forgot you were bringing the Oriental.
Mom!
Would you, would you please put on a robe?
I just moisturized.
It has to soak in for an hour or I'm wasting the La Mer.
La Mer's for your face.
I know it's for my face, but for once I'm splurging on myself!
I got you this Hollywood sign magnet from the airport.
What's with the hair?
Are you gonna say thank you?
Looks stringy. I mean, I know that that's the fashion, but you look like a wet rescue dog.
Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just stay at a hotel.
We don't have to stay here.
Oh, please, don't be so dramatic.
You came all this way to see your facacta cousin fumble through his haftarah.
And, Becky, do you know what Torah portion they gave Skyler?
What?
The one with the menstruation and the lepers.
(gasps) The one that Cousin Stuey got.
(laughs)
When he talked about his sister's Kotex.
(Rebecca and Naomi laughing)
Uh...
Are you guys not mad at each other anymore?
No.
Mad? Who's mad?
Is he yelling at me?
No. I'm the one who should be mad with this hunk of plastic cluttering up my house.
What, you couldn't find a See's Candy walking through the airport?
I'm sorry, are you talking to me now?
I'm so confused.
No.
You're confused? I've been confused ever since this one popped out of my vag*na.
Oh, my God, Mom, do not talk about your vag*na.
Why? It's perfectly good.
I have had some fabulous reviews lately.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, stop it!
Oh...
All right, listen up, I'm on a grapefruit diet, but for you, I put some whitefish salad in the refrigerator.
Becca sometimes likes to eat in the middle of the night, and that's why her weight fluctuates.
Okay, no, one time, one time, one time, yes, I ate a whole marble halvah.
That was the night my father left.
It was my party and I was hungry.
You hear the drama?
(mocking): "It was my party, I was hungry, and my father abandoned me."
Like we all didn't see that coming.
(sets bag down)
Good night.
Mom!
Naomi: Got to moisturize the rest of me.
What are you working on, Tim?
Uh, nothing.
(whispers) I'm sorry.
Wait, weren't you fired, Jordan?
It's... it is George.
And, uh, Nathaniel hired me back 'cause I guess you're shorthanded and the firm has so much work to do.
Oh, right, yes, that's right.
I do remember that now because that was my idea.
Hey, look at this busy bee.
How's it going, M-Dog?
Oh, pretty good, D-Money.
Hey, I have to cancel Shirley Temples and karaoke tonight.
I'm so slammed.
What?
Well, I can help...
Sorry, I was specifically told not to let you touch any of the work.
What do you mean?
Wait, what's going on?
No... told that by whom?
Nathaniel: Heads up, folks.
I was just into the briefs for the Peterson case.
(with accent): It's Petterson.
It's not. It isn't.
And so sad to say that they're gonna need a major overhaul.
Reason? They're garbage.
I cannot show these to my father, all right?
If he's gonna give us this client, we need to step up our game.
Our work needs to be Ivy League, and right now, it's Arizona State.
Go, Sun Devils!
So, we'll all be working on Saturday.
Aw!
(coughs, sniffles)
(all groan)
Oh, now you moan.
I can't work on Saturday; I got the kids alone all day.
I'm supposed to do an escape room with my college roommate.
Some of you may know her, Zosia Mamet?
My adult ceramics class is finally gonna glaze.
Look, I hear you, Jer.
Wow!
It's George. I literally have the easiest name in the world.
Guys, don't worry. I can handle this.
I still matter here.
My name's still on the wall.
I am not an emasculated sock puppet!
What? No one called you that.
Where did you even come up with that?
No one said that under their breath?
I'm pretty sure I heard that, 'cause I would not just think that.
We are not working Saturday.
Watch-watch this, guys.
Watch... this.
No.
He said he'll think about it while we're working on Saturday.
(all groan)
Don't cry, don't cry, you emasculated sock puppet.
God, who said that to me?
Wait.
Where's all the candy?
Um, Jim?
Do you knew where the good snacks are?
Why do we have "pepitas"?
ÿQue es "pepitas"?
Nathaniel made us throw out the candy.
He what?
Yeah, he said it was disgusting and impacts productivity and it's a tumor waiting to happen.
(sets jar on counter)
I'm sorry we have to sleep on the sofa.
My mom uses my room to hoard old issues of Marie Claire magazine.
Oh, she's nuts.
Are you okay? Is this okay?
I'm fine.
Are you?
I mean, she seems to rattle you.
Yeah, you know, normally she would, but you're here, so it's helping.
Naomi (in distance): Don't touch the air conditioning!
I sweat like a pig!
It's like the frozen tundra in here!
Whoa.
I'm sor... I'm sorry.
Um, it's just, uh, this place has a slight negative energy for me.
Yeah, yeah, bad stuff has happened.
Like, you see that end table?
I used to hide under it when I was little and compulsively scratch grooves into the inside leg.
Yeah. I was a strong, feral little girl.
That sounds terrible.
Yep.
Yep, wasn't great. Was not great.
But now we can make good memories.
You know, we can pave over the pain and the suffering.
I want to do that for you. I want to help you with that.
Oh, you're the sweetest.
(moans)
Uh, your mom is right upstairs, Becks.
Oh, no, no, no, she sleeps like a rock.
Yeah, glass of wine, sleeping pill, Billy Crystal's autobiography splayed across her chest.
Boom, down for the count.
Now, come on.
I am ready to turn my childhood trauma into a kink.
(chuckles): I don't know.
(both moaning)
Naomi: I was afraid that you might run out, so I looked and I found some extra whitefish in the freezer, but I don't know how to thaw this thing.
Oh, please, don't stop on my account.
Go ahead, get back in there.
Get back in there.
I've seen worse from this one.
I will never forget that crime scene I walked in on between you and Isaac Berger of the Model UN.
They were having...
♪ Period sex, period sex ♪
♪ Put down a towel... ♪
Mom! Oh, my God!
Just stop ruining this like you ruin everything!
Hey, don't yell at me in front of the Oriental.
They're a very peaceful people.
Oh, my God, you are so offensive.
Okay, y-you know what, Mrs. Bunch?
L-Let me help thaw the fish.
I'm really good at it.
My mom buys fish sticks in bulk.
Why don't you and I go into the kitchen?
Finally someone who's actually offering to help out around here.
Finally someone is not completely selfish.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm selfish.
I mean, when those fish sticks come out of the oven...
(laughs)
Come on, then. Put your pickle in your pants, and let's thaw some fish. (clucks tongue)
(whispering) I got this.
Get some sleep, okay?
Just... be careful.
I love you.
I love you.
(Josh laughs)
Naomi: What a great job.
The way you flipped it over after you soaked it in the eggs.
Oh.
I was very impressed.
Ah... (chuckles)
Mm, mm. What's going on?
Oh, your mom taught me how to make "holla" French toast.
No, no, no, "challah," Josh.
Ch, ch, ch.
Ch, ch. Holla, holla, holl...
I got to keep working on it.
You're gonna get it, bubbeleh.
You're gonna get it.
Mm.
He's never gonna get it.
Why would he? He's a Pacific Islander.
Wow, what happened to calling him an Oriental?
Rebecca, that term is considered antiquated, Euro-centric and inherently xenophobic.
Yeah, we Googled it.
I knew it was r*cist, I just didn't know why.
So get woke, Becks.
Oh! Yeah!
Yay!
I love this woman! (laughs)
He's adorable. He's adorable.
He's so adorable.
I love her.
♪ ♪
Joshua, as soon as they open the stations, we better be first in line, because rumor has it that Ellen has only sprung for a one-hour buffet.
Can you believe that?
I can't.
Well, she's having money troubles.
And her mother has cancer, and the youngest daughter wants to be a man, and the husband is having an affair with a goy.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
No offense.
(laughs)
No. No.
You don't have to laugh at that; that's very offensive.
Oh, Becca.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go get some dumplings.
My blood sugar, it's in the toilet, which is where those dumplings are gonna be.
(both laugh) Eventually.
Well, they sit there like rocks.
(laughs)
Listen, I appreciate you trying to win her over, but you don't have to keep pretending to like her.
Oh, I'm not pretending. I do like her.
In my family, we don't talk about poop.
I had to learn about it by watching an episode of 90210.
She's awesome.
Okay.
Ooh! Um, should we take a selfie with our matching little hats?
#HebrewBeaniesForLife!
Uh, no, they're called kippahs.
Oh, okay, so #KippahingItReal!
Um, no, you just do it. I'm not... sorry.
I'm not feeling it.
Why you in a bad mood, Becks?
Just because, I don't know, I mean...
Rabbi Shari: Rebecca!
Welcome back.
Hello, Rabbi Shari.
How are you, my darling?
How is California?
Have you found a temple out there yet?
Well, I don't believe in God, so no, it didn't make my to-do list.
Always questioning.
That is the true spirit of the Jewish people.
Very good.
(chuckles)
She seems nice.
She's not nice, she's a programmed robot who's trying to incept God into me all the time.
Whoa. I didn't know that, and I know a ton about robots.
(sighs) I know.
I know, it's just you see the good in everything, which is just so, so sweet, so...
So... Oh, no. Oh, boy.
Wait, what is it?
Look who it is.
Well, well, well.
(sighs)
Rebecca Nora Bunch.
Audra Esther Levine.
Joshua Felix Chan.
This is my husband, David.
(sighs) Yes. Hi, we've met.
How you doing, Rebecca?
You guys know each other?
Yep.
Finished quick, rotten lay.
We both heard that!
Rebecca, hey, come on.
That's not nice.
Nice to meet you, man. I'm Josh.
And, hey, you know what they say.
It's not how long you last, it's how big your penis is.
(laughs)
Ah!
Well...
I see you two have really been hitting the social media hard.
You know you don't have to post every photo, right?
So funny that you say that, because I seem to remember your engagement photos clogging up my feed for weeks.
I mean, it is so crazy that a photographer happened to be there when David gave you that ring on that turn-of-the-century Ferris wheel.
At least I'm married and not living in California, having a nervous breakdown.
(chuckles): Oh.
Right, hey, remember when I had sex with your husband?
Yeah, as he finished, he called me "Mom."
Have fun unpacking that. Mazel tov.
Hey, Josh!
David!
His solo's coming up!
(electric guitar playing)
(laughs) This guy is the best!
Turns out we both love Dave Matthews Band!
We should all go skiing in Mammoth!
Totally.
This December?
Done!
Yes!
Yes!
(Josh imitating guitar)
You're still a bitch.
So are you.
Ah, it's not as fun now.
No, it's not.
Paula!
Paula!
Shh!
Skittle me this: What is a way to get back at a sugar dictator, hmm?
You're-you're freaking me out a little bit.
Oh. Okay.
Hey, you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe this whole thing is not actually about candy.
You're right! It's about freedom.
Oh, God, Darryl, would you get real?
You regret selling the firm to Nathaniel, which you should.
It was a dumb move and he's a jerk.
But you did it, and now you got to live with it.
Seriously, you got to calm down.
Your eyes are just... They're vibrating.
(whispers) Do you have any aspirin?
And bam, that's how you do selfies, you guys.
That's masterful work right there.
Hi. Cousin Rifka, thank you. Hi.
Hey, there you are. You want to do a photo?
You want a boa? An old-timey hat?
A mustache stick?
I'm... I'm really good.
(sighs)
But they will tweet, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat your photo automatically.
Josh, I can't do this anymore.
What do you mean?
It's just, you're not supposed to be having this much fun.
Come... well, uh, I thought you wanted me to pave things over.
I know. I know I said that, but what I... I don't know...
What I think I wanted was just for you and I to sit in a corner and laugh about how miserable and terrible everyone is.
But they're not miserable. They're... having fun.
No, they're not having fun. They don't know how to have fun.
Okay, listen, you don't understand.
Okay, you are, forgive me, a non-Jew from the West Coast.
Let me explain how it goes.
East Coast: dark, sad.
West Coast: light, happy.
All right, these people...
They don't understand what fun is. Trust me.
Rabbi Shari: All right, everyone, in honor of the bar mitzvah boy, a horah!
(applause)
Yeah, b-but it looks like they're about to do some kind of fun dance.
Case in point, perfect example.
Okay, do you remember the ceremony?
They made a 13-year-old boy say the Kaddish.
That's a prayer for the dead.
Okay, people like us only know how to be miserable.
What do you mean?
No, listen, Josh.
It sounds like one thing, but means another.
(sighs)
(klezmer music playing)
♪ Now it's time to celebrate ♪
♪ Grab a drink and fix a plate ♪
♪ But before you feel too great ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Nights like these are filled with glee ♪
♪ Noshing, dancing, singing ♪
♪ Whee! But we sing in a minor key ♪
♪ To remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Being happy is selfish ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ You have no idea what pain is ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered, hey! ♪
♪ I mean, would it be such a crime ♪
♪ For the Beastie Boys or Haim ♪
♪ To mention in their songs one time ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered? ♪
♪ I don't want to bring up the Holocaust ♪
♪ I know, I know, the Holocaust ♪
♪ But the Holocaust was a really big deal ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ This DJ is terrific ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
My grandma is a survivor.
♪ Remember that she suffered ♪
(vocalizing) ♪ Ah... ♪
(gasps)
(vocalizing) ♪ Ah... ♪
♪ The sweet and the bitter ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Streisand and h*tler ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Spielberg and h*tler ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Have me mentioned h*tler? ♪
♪ I'm just saying that we suffered ♪
When I say "we," you say "suffered."
We!
Suffered!
We!
Suffered!
I can't hear you!
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
(applause)
Okay, so, huh? See what I mean?
I don't know, Rebecca.
It seems like the only person who's miserable here is you.
(Darryl laughing)
What the hell?
(snickers)
Darryl?
Hmm?
I can see you. There's slats here.
Have you ever hidden before? Do you know what hiding is?
If you stocked this cabinet with candy when you knew I had it removed, that's gonna be a very big problem for us.
Hmm?
Tell me you didn't do this, Darryl.
Tell me the truth.
You want to know the truth?
Oh, I'll tell you truth. The truth is...
I did it!
It was me.
I got the Snickers.
And I got the Skittles.
I got the Milk Duds.
I got the Toblerone.
And I brought gummy vitamins.
(all groan)
You... can take our candy... but you can never... take our candy!
What do you have to say to that?
Well, I say you're all a bunch of children.
Now go back to work!
Got it.
(sighs)
Rebecca.
What are you doing sitting by yourself?
Are you not having fun?
No, I'm not having fun.
My boyfriend is, though.
Yeah, yeah, he's making everyone really happy.
He loves it here.
And that's not what you wanted?
No!
I wanted him to see how unhappy evy ything makes me and that I'm right and that everyone here is miserable.
Why is everyone here miserable?
Um, I don't know, maybe because Jewish people's DNA is literally imprinted with our past trauma.
It's something called epigenetics; look it up.
Hey, don't be condescending.
You think you're the only person who reads Tablet Magazine on Twitter?
Rebecca, a people is not responsible for your life, you are.
Maybe.
I don't know, I just...
I hate it here, I hate all this stuff.
Ah, well, this stuff, this town, these people...
They're you.
And if you hate that stuff, you hate yourself.
Oy, here you go.
And if you hate yourself, it doesn't matter how great your boyfriend is, you'll always be unhappy.
But I thought that when you loved someone, it just fixed everything and made your life great.
That's... that's a lot to put on a human being.
Yeah, but he's not a human being, he's Josh Chan.
When we were kids, he made me feel so happy.
And... I guess I just thought that if I could get back to that place, that my life would magically be okay.
That's not love, my dear. It's fantasy. It's not real.
Um, your father's on line one.
Close the door.
(door closes)
(breathes deeply)
Pops! Papa!
Papa Doodle Doo. What's the word?
We're all gearing up to get going on Peterson, so once we lock them in, we can hit the ground running.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yep, yep, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's a no.
That's fine. I hear you. Yeah.
I know. You got to earn it. Nothing gets handed to you.
I love that. That's how we do.
"Once you stop improving, you start losing."
I know. I hear you, sir. I love that saying.
Mm-hmm. Okay. Bye-bye.
(sighs)
That's it, I've had it. I can't take it anymore.
I'm responsible for that jerk being in our office, so I should be the one to stand up to him.
(exhales sharply)
(treadmill whirring)
(Nathaniel grunting, panting)
What's going on?
Got to burn the calories.
Got to work hard.
I had a brief lapse of judgment with that stupid candy!
But it's okay. I'll just burn it off.
I got to burn the mistakes. I mean, burn the calories.
Always improving, never a loser. Always improving, never a loser.
(beeping)
Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute! I don't think that's safe! Oh, oh!
Oh!
Nathaniel, are you okay?
(panting)
I'm so sad.
(sobs)
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
They gave me a temporary tooth.
(sniffles)
I'm sorry you had to see that, Darryl.
That was not professional.
You know, it's okay to be upset.
Noit's not. It's weak.
Does this have something to do with your dad?
Did he not give you the account?
Oh.
You know, my dad is a real jerk, too.
Oh. He used to yell at me all the time.
He used to call me an emasculated sock puppet.
Oh. That's where that's from.
I'm gonna bury that again.
Hold on.
Done.
Ha!
Hey, you know what?
You're doing really well, Nathaniel.
No, I see how hard you work, how talented you are, how little food you eat.
You're a very disciplined young man, and you don't need your dad to tell you that.
You have to know that for yourself.
I've been kind of a jerk to you, Darryl.
And I'm gonna pay to have the tooth blood cleaned out of your car.
Well, thank you.
You're a good kid.
Apology accepted.
Well, I didn't apologize.
(clears throat) Well, you kind of did.
I mean, basically you did.
Nope. Never happened.
Babe, I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted.
I was trying really hard, but I feel like you wanted something from me and I didn't give it to you.
No, you were fine. It's-it's honestly all fine.
Let's just go home.
Are you mad at me?
No. No, not mad. I just don't want to talk about it.
Um... left something in the bathroom.
I got to go. I'll be right back.
Ooh. End of trip selfie?
#ShalomMeansBothHelloAndGoodbye.
No. I'm-I'm good, thanks.
Naomi: I'm gonna wrap this lox up so you have something to eat on the plane.
Now, I know it may not be enough, but those nitwits at the deli were running short, and I...
Josh.
Huh? What?
What... ?
What's wrong?
Ah, it's just...
Rebecca seems like she's mad at me.
And I wanted this weekend to bring us together, but it feels like she's pulling away.
And you have no idea how much this relationship means to me.
I told everyone about it.
It can't fall apart now.
Well, it won't.
Because I won't let that happen.
You won't?
No. I actually think you and Rebecca are pretty wonderful together.
You soften some of her sharp edges, thank God.
(chuckles)
Wow. Thanks, Naomi.
That's nice of you to say.
But what do I do now?
Joshua, I am your Jewish mother now, and there are two things I will always have: indigestion and all the answers.
(chuckles softly)
So just listen to me, and do exactly as I say.
You know what?
(drops candy)
I do eat a bit too much candy.
My liver's basically 40% high fructose corn syrup.
(chuckles)
Well, good choice.
You know, I was thinking, Darryl. (clears throat)
I'm so slammed, maybe you would like to take over the Crestfield account?
The wh?
That's... that's, like, our biggest client.
Yeah. And I need a copilot.
Copilot Darryl C. Whitefeather reporting for duty, sir...
Maya?
Would you please get that? I'm very busy.
Got a ton of work to do.
Your office is that way.
Rebecca: I don't know.
I've been giving it a lot of thought.
And maybe Rabbi Shari's right.
About me not loving myself.
You know, maybe there's... there's something else at the core of my unhappiness that-that I didn't realize.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
Well, she said that I wouldn't find my answers in another person, and...
I don't know, that's starting to make a lot of sense.
(whistling the horah)
Go on.
Well... I moved to West Covina 'cause I thought my problems would be solved by a boy.
Now I'm with that boy, and I still have the same problems.
So...
I don't know, maybe it's something else.
And... if he is not the answer, what could it be about?
It could be... my own issues.
Oh...
Oh. What's wrong?
(crying) Nothing. It's just...
I'm so... happy.
Oh.
Could you stay a little longer today?
Candace!
Cancel my next five appointments.
Rebecca, do you think that you're finally really ready to confront your issues?
I think... I think maybe...
Yes. Yes, I am.
(exhales)
(Josh whistling in distance)
What's that noise?
Uh, nothing. It doesn't matter. You were saying?
You can't be happy in life until you're happy with yourself?
Yes.
But figuring out what that is, being happy with myself, that's a hard and scary road that I don't know if I want to go down.
(whistling continues)
What is that noise?
S-stay with me. Come on. (chuckles)
Stay with me.
So maybe... maybe I need to just take some time on my own...
... to figure...
(door opens)
Josh?
What are you doing here?
The Garfinkel ring.
But how did you... ?
You told me you pawned it, so I went to the pawn shop on East Cameron...
Rebecca, stay with me. You're working on yourself.
You're taking time out to be alone.
Oh, my God, you remembered me saying that.
This is... so romantic.
Oh. No!
No.
No! No!
Oh, my God.
This is like a fairy tale.
This is everything I've ever wanted.
Get up, Josh. Get up.
Get up, Josh!
Rebecca Nora Bunch, will...
No.
(gasps)
... you...
Wait!
... marry...
Please!
... me?
Yes!
No!
(groans): Oh!
(gasps)
(moaning)
So you live in Los Angeles?
Basically.
Do you know Jeremy Stein?
No.
You know Josh Berger?
No.
You know Sam Goldberg?
Nope.
Do you know Sammy Goldberg?
No.
Did you go to Camp Nock-A-Mixon?
No.
Did you go to Camp Winadu?
No.
Have you ever met a Jew before Rebecca?
No.
Yeah. Probably should've started with that question.
I love Adam Sandler.
Me, too.
This is Nathaniel Plimpton, the new co-owner of the firm.
We're gonna start running this place like a real business.
My father and our firm demand nothing less.
Moved here for Josh Chan?
Of course you would do something like give up your wonderful life in New York to be near that... that loser.
Josh: I know I hurt you, and I don't blame you for not trusting me, but I promise you it'll be different this time.
We'll start over, do things the right way.
Rebecca, I love you.
Oh... you love me?
You mean you love something about me.
No, you.
I love you.
Oh, my God, I love you, too, Josh Chan.
Come here.
♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪
♪ La-la-la, lovey-dove ♪
♪ I can't be held responsible for my actions ♪
♪ She's an ingenue ♪
♪ I have no underlying issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed ♪
♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you can't call her crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪
Blam!
Okay, on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Both: In a relationship!
Oh, that's so great. Let's post to Instagram.
Okay, #StatusUpdate #ItsFacebookOfficial.
Rebecca, leave it to the professional.
#FromTheMountaintops #EverAfter #DoubleRainbows #MerrilyMerrilyMerrilyLifeIsButADream.
Okay, done. Posted.
(both giggle)
Skyler's gonna love this photo.
Wait, my cousin Skyler? Why is he following you?
We're going to his bar mitzvah this weekend.
I friended practically his whole class at Scarsdale Middle School.
Jonah Leibowitz is playing hard to get, but I'll get him.
(clucks tongue) Oh.
You know, normally, I wouldn't look forward to going to a family bar mitzvah, but now that you'll be there, it's just gonna be different and supes awss.
#SupesAwss, I love it.
Oh, my God, I love it, too.
Okay, #SupesAwss, let's do it. Okay.
Both: One, two, three.
Supes awss!
(Rebecca and Josh laughing)
You know, studies have shown that couples who post a lot on social media are often insecure about their attachment.
Heather, did you just look that up?
No, I actually started with a hypothesis, and then I backed it up with a Vox article.
It's standard scientific method.
Okay, well, you're way off because Josh and I just want to show the world our happiness...
Mm-hmm.
... and maybe once they see our happiness, it'll spread and then there will be no more w*r.
Mm, mwah. That's right, baby.
That's how peace happens.
Rebecca: Yeah.
Love fixes everything. (giggles)
I just don't think that's realistic.
Both: Just shut up, Heather!
Okay? You don't know what you're talking about.
And you know why?
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ It's only smooth, smooth sailing from now on ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ We used to have problems, but now they're gone ♪
♪ Phew ♪
♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ Back when we had problems? ♪
♪ Oh, man, that was annoying ♪
♪ But now our love has magically solved them ♪
♪ And there won't be any more in our future at all... ♪
Okay, so you guys are, like, super delusional.
Ugh, go away, Heather. Yeah, get out!
Fine, I guess I'll just Soul Train out of here, losers.
Josh and Rebecca: ♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ Now everyone will know that our love is undying ♪
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ No more nights ♪
♪ Of randomly crying ♪
♪ We'll never worry about paying the bills ♪
♪ The only money we'll need is sunset ♪
♪ If we feel like we've run out of thrills ♪
♪ Hey, look, another sunset ♪
♪ We don't need gasoline ♪
♪ Our car will run on love ♪
♪ Elon Musk is developing that kind of car ♪
♪ The first test failed ♪
♪ But that's 'cause it wasn't true love ♪
♪ They say obsession biologically lasts ♪
♪ Four years at most ♪
♪ But science doesn't apply to us ♪
♪ Some say we're all repeating patterns ♪
♪ Taught by our parents ♪
♪ But that's just... ♪
No.
That's...
That's not a thing. No. No, no, it's not. No, no.
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ No more ups and downs ♪
♪ It's just ups and ups and ups ♪
♪ We'll never have problems again ♪
♪ Our love has made us totes invincible ♪
♪ I've been cynical most of my life ♪
♪ And everything's fallen flat ♪
♪ Now, for once, the situation's a lot less nuanced than that ♪
♪ We're problem free ♪
♪ That's you and me ♪
♪ We're problem free ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ That's you and me ♪
♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
(softer): ♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
♪ Live fade out, live fade out ♪
♪ Live fade out. ♪
Both (whispering): Live fade out, live fade out, live fade out, live fade...
Paula, be totally honest.
Does this suit say, "Hey, Nathaniel, I'm a lot like you, a successful power player who deserves respect and at least some important responsibilities. Hmm?"
Yeah, you know, it says something more like, "Irregular, 30% off, The Suit Barn."
Maybe not that honest.
No, doofus.
It's what it says on your tag.
Oh! Oh, oh.
Good call.
Yeah.
Are there any more?
Yeah, no, you're... you're... great.
Hey, there.
Wow, you have the most intense look on your face.
I'm excited for your other looks, whenever those get going.
Wow, so you found, uh, Rebecca's, uh, treadmill desk.
Yes. Took maintenance a while to get out the hot dog smell.
Well, you know Rebecca.
She loves to jog and dog.
Darryl, what can I do for you?
The question is: What can I do for you?
Because I get it.
You're now the number one; I'm the number two, dangling under you, ready to drop in, make a splash.
Darryl, stop.
So you're not craving a number two?
There's no rumblings for a deuce?
No.
Cool, cool. Well, I'm not gonna push it.
I'm just gonna go back one out.
I mean... I'm just gonna back out.
Uh-oh.
You're not even separating out the buttered-popcorn-flavored ones.
Didn't go well, huh?
What? No, it went great.
Yeah, I mean, he doesn't have a lot for me now, but I know he will soon.
Absolutely.
I mean, it's all gonna change once he gets that big client.
That what? What client?
You know, that huge client that he used to rep in the L.A. office, and his dad said he could also represent them here.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The-the big client. To...
I thought you said, "The pig client."
You don't know about them?
The pork processing place out in Duarte?
Oh, you got to check that out.
But you said "the big client."
That's the one... that's the one that has the weird name that's... it's hard to pronounce.
How do you, how do you say it?
Just off the top of your head.
Say it. Just say it.
Peterson Car Sales?
Mm, close, but it's actually Petterson.
It's Petterson Car Sales.
Yeah, that's it.
Correct pronunciation.
Anyway, over and out.
(mouth full): I got a lot of work to do.
Oh... you found my old hot dog cooker.
Pop the cover off, set it to 3.4 MPH, slide some Ball Park fatties on those rollers, it cooks up (clucks tongue) real nice.
(exhales) Oh.
Yeah... what are you doing to yourself?
High interval impact training.
It's intense periodic exertion, which activates your fight or flight.
It's not a real workout unless your body is convinced it's being chased by a lion.
Mm, that sounds factual.
So, listen, I wanted to let you know I'm heading out a little early today.
I have some unused vacation days, and you can fact-check that with Karen.
Okay, where you going?
You and Flip Flop going on a romantic weekend at a Sandals Resort?
Sandals, that was really good.
It's a little sad no one else was around to hear that.
I don't know, I might say it again later.
Seriously, where are you going?
We are going to a family bar mitzvah.
So, he is going to meet the entire Garfinkel clan.
That's my mom's side of the family.
It will be wonderful.
All right. If you say so.
I do say so, because he is the man of my dreams.
You know you say that a lot?
I've never heard anyone else use the term "man of my dreams" before you.
Sounds like something a super secure person says.
Uh, well... you don't know us, and you don't know me, and you don't know us, so...
Well, you are gonna miss something great around here.
My father is just about to give us a huge client.
Massive. Just waiting for the final go-ahead from him.
So, go have fun.
I'll be here, being awesome.
Oh, hey, on your way out, can you just give me a roar?
Like a loud, fast roar.
Doesn't have to be a lion.
It can be like a howler monkey or something like that.
Anything, really. Just a predator.
A land-based predator would be... never mind.
Have a great weekend.
It's a family event; that's a big step.
Yeah.
(both chuckling)
Almost as big as when you announced your relationship status on Waze, which I didn't even know was a thing.
Well, when it feels this great, you want everyone to know.
Everyone?
(exhales)
Thank you for texting me back.
I, um, used up my data plan sending you sad Bitmojis and Golden Girls GIFs.
JIFs? Is it GIFs or JIF... Never mind.
It's not your job to tell me.
Yeah, uh, I had to take a few days once I heard about you and Josh.
I wanted to make sure you're okay.
It's not my favorite thing, you guys being a couple... but I'm okay.
And are we okay?
The answer doesn't have to be yes.
Good, because the answer is "eh."
Totally get it.
But don't worry about me, really.
If you need to worry about someone, worry about yourself.
Me, why?
Don't you see that Josh is, like, all over the place and lost?
But that was before.
And I saw from the post you shared on OpenTable that you're taking him home to see your family.
I know your relationship with your mom is kind of tough.
Yeah, but now I have Josh, so, you know, it won't bother me.
Love protects you.
(chuckles softly) So, the things that used to annoy me about going home won't annoy me anymore.
Hmm.
You know? Josh is like a blankie, a suit of armor or a bulletproof vest.
Honey, just because Josh Chan owns all those things doesn't mean he is all those things.
He's not magic.
It's like magic, FB, when Rebecca and I are together.
Yeah, I read about it on your post on Draw Something.
Oh, shh, shh.
Nope.
Sorry, go on.
This family weekend is really important, and I don't want to screw it up.
You know Rebecca's mother doesn't like me.
At parents' weekend at camp, she asked me if I had pierced her daughter's hymen.
A-And I told her, "No, Rebecca showed up to camp with those earrings."
Wow.
What if people don't like me? What if I say the wrong thing?
What if an old person calls me Oriental?
(chuckles softly)
Look, Josh, I'm a man of God and I try to believe the best about everyone, but if you think you're gonna make it through a whole weekend with a bunch of 70-year-olds and not get called an Oriental, you're out of your ever-loving mind.
Oh!
(sighs) Nope.
But, Father Brah, I've been bouncing from girl to girl all year.
I've told everyone in my life, including my followers on Moviefone, that Rebecca and I are the real deal.
This relationship has to work out.
It just has to.
Because it's the main thing going on in your life right now?
Yeah, kind of.
Josh, do you think you're defining yourself through your relationship?
You define yourself by your relationship to Jesus.
Wow, you got me there, man.
Where are you, you little minx?
Brah, I didn't know you were into bird-watching.
Oh, no, I'm not. I, uh, stashed my weed in one of these trees.
Oh.
Yeah, there it is.
Okay, so, if my mom asks, you have no opinion on politics, I've been using the bath salts she sent me, and the Garfinkel ring is in the safe deposit box.
What's the Garfinkel ring?
It's a long story; I'll tell you later.
Okay, this is gonna be great.
Because, with you here, I'll be calm.
I love you.
I love you, too.
It's gonna be great.
Oh.
I forgot you were bringing the Oriental.
Mom!
Would you, would you please put on a robe?
I just moisturized.
It has to soak in for an hour or I'm wasting the La Mer.
La Mer's for your face.
I know it's for my face, but for once I'm splurging on myself!
I got you this Hollywood sign magnet from the airport.
What's with the hair?
Are you gonna say thank you?
Looks stringy. I mean, I know that that's the fashion, but you look like a wet rescue dog.
Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just stay at a hotel.
We don't have to stay here.
Oh, please, don't be so dramatic.
You came all this way to see your facacta cousin fumble through his haftarah.
And, Becky, do you know what Torah portion they gave Skyler?
What?
The one with the menstruation and the lepers.
(gasps) The one that Cousin Stuey got.
(laughs)
When he talked about his sister's Kotex.
(Rebecca and Naomi laughing)
Uh...
Are you guys not mad at each other anymore?
No.
Mad? Who's mad?
Is he yelling at me?
No. I'm the one who should be mad with this hunk of plastic cluttering up my house.
What, you couldn't find a See's Candy walking through the airport?
I'm sorry, are you talking to me now?
I'm so confused.
No.
You're confused? I've been confused ever since this one popped out of my vag*na.
Oh, my God, Mom, do not talk about your vag*na.
Why? It's perfectly good.
I have had some fabulous reviews lately.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, stop it!
Oh...
All right, listen up, I'm on a grapefruit diet, but for you, I put some whitefish salad in the refrigerator.
Becca sometimes likes to eat in the middle of the night, and that's why her weight fluctuates.
Okay, no, one time, one time, one time, yes, I ate a whole marble halvah.
That was the night my father left.
It was my party and I was hungry.
You hear the drama?
(mocking): "It was my party, I was hungry, and my father abandoned me."
Like we all didn't see that coming.
(sets bag down)
Good night.
Mom!
Naomi: Got to moisturize the rest of me.
What are you working on, Tim?
Uh, nothing.
(whispers) I'm sorry.
Wait, weren't you fired, Jordan?
It's... it is George.
And, uh, Nathaniel hired me back 'cause I guess you're shorthanded and the firm has so much work to do.
Oh, right, yes, that's right.
I do remember that now because that was my idea.
Hey, look at this busy bee.
How's it going, M-Dog?
Oh, pretty good, D-Money.
Hey, I have to cancel Shirley Temples and karaoke tonight.
I'm so slammed.
What?
Well, I can help...
Sorry, I was specifically told not to let you touch any of the work.
What do you mean?
Wait, what's going on?
No... told that by whom?
Nathaniel: Heads up, folks.
I was just into the briefs for the Peterson case.
(with accent): It's Petterson.
It's not. It isn't.
And so sad to say that they're gonna need a major overhaul.
Reason? They're garbage.
I cannot show these to my father, all right?
If he's gonna give us this client, we need to step up our game.
Our work needs to be Ivy League, and right now, it's Arizona State.
Go, Sun Devils!
So, we'll all be working on Saturday.
Aw!
(coughs, sniffles)
(all groan)
Oh, now you moan.
I can't work on Saturday; I got the kids alone all day.
I'm supposed to do an escape room with my college roommate.
Some of you may know her, Zosia Mamet?
My adult ceramics class is finally gonna glaze.
Look, I hear you, Jer.
Wow!
It's George. I literally have the easiest name in the world.
Guys, don't worry. I can handle this.
I still matter here.
My name's still on the wall.
I am not an emasculated sock puppet!
What? No one called you that.
Where did you even come up with that?
No one said that under their breath?
I'm pretty sure I heard that, 'cause I would not just think that.
We are not working Saturday.
Watch-watch this, guys.
Watch... this.
No.
He said he'll think about it while we're working on Saturday.
(all groan)
Don't cry, don't cry, you emasculated sock puppet.
God, who said that to me?
Wait.
Where's all the candy?
Um, Jim?
Do you knew where the good snacks are?
Why do we have "pepitas"?
ÿQue es "pepitas"?
Nathaniel made us throw out the candy.
He what?
Yeah, he said it was disgusting and impacts productivity and it's a tumor waiting to happen.
(sets jar on counter)
I'm sorry we have to sleep on the sofa.
My mom uses my room to hoard old issues of Marie Claire magazine.
Oh, she's nuts.
Are you okay? Is this okay?
I'm fine.
Are you?
I mean, she seems to rattle you.
Yeah, you know, normally she would, but you're here, so it's helping.
Naomi (in distance): Don't touch the air conditioning!
I sweat like a pig!
It's like the frozen tundra in here!
Whoa.
I'm sor... I'm sorry.
Um, it's just, uh, this place has a slight negative energy for me.
Yeah, yeah, bad stuff has happened.
Like, you see that end table?
I used to hide under it when I was little and compulsively scratch grooves into the inside leg.
Yeah. I was a strong, feral little girl.
That sounds terrible.
Yep.
Yep, wasn't great. Was not great.
But now we can make good memories.
You know, we can pave over the pain and the suffering.
I want to do that for you. I want to help you with that.
Oh, you're the sweetest.
(moans)
Uh, your mom is right upstairs, Becks.
Oh, no, no, no, she sleeps like a rock.
Yeah, glass of wine, sleeping pill, Billy Crystal's autobiography splayed across her chest.
Boom, down for the count.
Now, come on.
I am ready to turn my childhood trauma into a kink.
(chuckles): I don't know.
(both moaning)
Naomi: I was afraid that you might run out, so I looked and I found some extra whitefish in the freezer, but I don't know how to thaw this thing.
Oh, please, don't stop on my account.
Go ahead, get back in there.
Get back in there.
I've seen worse from this one.
I will never forget that crime scene I walked in on between you and Isaac Berger of the Model UN.
They were having...
♪ Period sex, period sex ♪
♪ Put down a towel... ♪
Mom! Oh, my God!
Just stop ruining this like you ruin everything!
Hey, don't yell at me in front of the Oriental.
They're a very peaceful people.
Oh, my God, you are so offensive.
Okay, y-you know what, Mrs. Bunch?
L-Let me help thaw the fish.
I'm really good at it.
My mom buys fish sticks in bulk.
Why don't you and I go into the kitchen?
Finally someone who's actually offering to help out around here.
Finally someone is not completely selfish.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm selfish.
I mean, when those fish sticks come out of the oven...
(laughs)
Come on, then. Put your pickle in your pants, and let's thaw some fish. (clucks tongue)
(whispering) I got this.
Get some sleep, okay?
Just... be careful.
I love you.
I love you.
(Josh laughs)
Naomi: What a great job.
The way you flipped it over after you soaked it in the eggs.
Oh.
I was very impressed.
Ah... (chuckles)
Mm, mm. What's going on?
Oh, your mom taught me how to make "holla" French toast.
No, no, no, "challah," Josh.
Ch, ch, ch.
Ch, ch. Holla, holla, holl...
I got to keep working on it.
You're gonna get it, bubbeleh.
You're gonna get it.
Mm.
He's never gonna get it.
Why would he? He's a Pacific Islander.
Wow, what happened to calling him an Oriental?
Rebecca, that term is considered antiquated, Euro-centric and inherently xenophobic.
Yeah, we Googled it.
I knew it was r*cist, I just didn't know why.
So get woke, Becks.
Oh! Yeah!
Yay!
I love this woman! (laughs)
He's adorable. He's adorable.
He's so adorable.
I love her.
♪ ♪
Joshua, as soon as they open the stations, we better be first in line, because rumor has it that Ellen has only sprung for a one-hour buffet.
Can you believe that?
I can't.
Well, she's having money troubles.
And her mother has cancer, and the youngest daughter wants to be a man, and the husband is having an affair with a goy.
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
No offense.
(laughs)
No. No.
You don't have to laugh at that; that's very offensive.
Oh, Becca.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go get some dumplings.
My blood sugar, it's in the toilet, which is where those dumplings are gonna be.
(both laugh) Eventually.
Well, they sit there like rocks.
(laughs)
Listen, I appreciate you trying to win her over, but you don't have to keep pretending to like her.
Oh, I'm not pretending. I do like her.
In my family, we don't talk about poop.
I had to learn about it by watching an episode of 90210.
She's awesome.
Okay.
Ooh! Um, should we take a selfie with our matching little hats?
#HebrewBeaniesForLife!
Uh, no, they're called kippahs.
Oh, okay, so #KippahingItReal!
Um, no, you just do it. I'm not... sorry.
I'm not feeling it.
Why you in a bad mood, Becks?
Just because, I don't know, I mean...
Rabbi Shari: Rebecca!
Welcome back.
Hello, Rabbi Shari.
How are you, my darling?
How is California?
Have you found a temple out there yet?
Well, I don't believe in God, so no, it didn't make my to-do list.
Always questioning.
That is the true spirit of the Jewish people.
Very good.
(chuckles)
She seems nice.
She's not nice, she's a programmed robot who's trying to incept God into me all the time.
Whoa. I didn't know that, and I know a ton about robots.
(sighs) I know.
I know, it's just you see the good in everything, which is just so, so sweet, so...
So... Oh, no. Oh, boy.
Wait, what is it?
Look who it is.
Well, well, well.
(sighs)
Rebecca Nora Bunch.
Audra Esther Levine.
Joshua Felix Chan.
This is my husband, David.
(sighs) Yes. Hi, we've met.
How you doing, Rebecca?
You guys know each other?
Yep.
Finished quick, rotten lay.
We both heard that!
Rebecca, hey, come on.
That's not nice.
Nice to meet you, man. I'm Josh.
And, hey, you know what they say.
It's not how long you last, it's how big your penis is.
(laughs)
Ah!
Well...
I see you two have really been hitting the social media hard.
You know you don't have to post every photo, right?
So funny that you say that, because I seem to remember your engagement photos clogging up my feed for weeks.
I mean, it is so crazy that a photographer happened to be there when David gave you that ring on that turn-of-the-century Ferris wheel.
At least I'm married and not living in California, having a nervous breakdown.
(chuckles): Oh.
Right, hey, remember when I had sex with your husband?
Yeah, as he finished, he called me "Mom."
Have fun unpacking that. Mazel tov.
Hey, Josh!
David!
His solo's coming up!
(electric guitar playing)
(laughs) This guy is the best!
Turns out we both love Dave Matthews Band!
We should all go skiing in Mammoth!
Totally.
This December?
Done!
Yes!
Yes!
(Josh imitating guitar)
You're still a bitch.
So are you.
Ah, it's not as fun now.
No, it's not.
Paula!
Paula!
Shh!
Skittle me this: What is a way to get back at a sugar dictator, hmm?
You're-you're freaking me out a little bit.
Oh. Okay.
Hey, you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe this whole thing is not actually about candy.
You're right! It's about freedom.
Oh, God, Darryl, would you get real?
You regret selling the firm to Nathaniel, which you should.
It was a dumb move and he's a jerk.
But you did it, and now you got to live with it.
Seriously, you got to calm down.
Your eyes are just... They're vibrating.
(whispers) Do you have any aspirin?
And bam, that's how you do selfies, you guys.
That's masterful work right there.
Hi. Cousin Rifka, thank you. Hi.
Hey, there you are. You want to do a photo?
You want a boa? An old-timey hat?
A mustache stick?
I'm... I'm really good.
(sighs)
But they will tweet, Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat your photo automatically.
Josh, I can't do this anymore.
What do you mean?
It's just, you're not supposed to be having this much fun.
Come... well, uh, I thought you wanted me to pave things over.
I know. I know I said that, but what I... I don't know...
What I think I wanted was just for you and I to sit in a corner and laugh about how miserable and terrible everyone is.
But they're not miserable. They're... having fun.
No, they're not having fun. They don't know how to have fun.
Okay, listen, you don't understand.
Okay, you are, forgive me, a non-Jew from the West Coast.
Let me explain how it goes.
East Coast: dark, sad.
West Coast: light, happy.
All right, these people...
They don't understand what fun is. Trust me.
Rabbi Shari: All right, everyone, in honor of the bar mitzvah boy, a horah!
(applause)
Yeah, b-but it looks like they're about to do some kind of fun dance.
Case in point, perfect example.
Okay, do you remember the ceremony?
They made a 13-year-old boy say the Kaddish.
That's a prayer for the dead.
Okay, people like us only know how to be miserable.
What do you mean?
No, listen, Josh.
It sounds like one thing, but means another.
(sighs)
(klezmer music playing)
♪ Now it's time to celebrate ♪
♪ Grab a drink and fix a plate ♪
♪ But before you feel too great ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Nights like these are filled with glee ♪
♪ Noshing, dancing, singing ♪
♪ Whee! But we sing in a minor key ♪
♪ To remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Being happy is selfish ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ You have no idea what pain is ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered, hey! ♪
♪ I mean, would it be such a crime ♪
♪ For the Beastie Boys or Haim ♪
♪ To mention in their songs one time ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered? ♪
♪ I don't want to bring up the Holocaust ♪
♪ I know, I know, the Holocaust ♪
♪ But the Holocaust was a really big deal ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ This DJ is terrific ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
My grandma is a survivor.
♪ Remember that she suffered ♪
(vocalizing) ♪ Ah... ♪
(gasps)
(vocalizing) ♪ Ah... ♪
♪ The sweet and the bitter ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Streisand and h*tler ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Spielberg and h*tler ♪
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Have me mentioned h*tler? ♪
♪ I'm just saying that we suffered ♪
When I say "we," you say "suffered."
We!
Suffered!
We!
Suffered!
I can't hear you!
♪ Remember that we suffered ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
(applause)
Okay, so, huh? See what I mean?
I don't know, Rebecca.
It seems like the only person who's miserable here is you.
(Darryl laughing)
What the hell?
(snickers)
Darryl?
Hmm?
I can see you. There's slats here.
Have you ever hidden before? Do you know what hiding is?
If you stocked this cabinet with candy when you knew I had it removed, that's gonna be a very big problem for us.
Hmm?
Tell me you didn't do this, Darryl.
Tell me the truth.
You want to know the truth?
Oh, I'll tell you truth. The truth is...
I did it!
It was me.
I got the Snickers.
And I got the Skittles.
I got the Milk Duds.
I got the Toblerone.
And I brought gummy vitamins.
(all groan)
You... can take our candy... but you can never... take our candy!
What do you have to say to that?
Well, I say you're all a bunch of children.
Now go back to work!
Got it.
(sighs)
Rebecca.
What are you doing sitting by yourself?
Are you not having fun?
No, I'm not having fun.
My boyfriend is, though.
Yeah, yeah, he's making everyone really happy.
He loves it here.
And that's not what you wanted?
No!
I wanted him to see how unhappy evy ything makes me and that I'm right and that everyone here is miserable.
Why is everyone here miserable?
Um, I don't know, maybe because Jewish people's DNA is literally imprinted with our past trauma.
It's something called epigenetics; look it up.
Hey, don't be condescending.
You think you're the only person who reads Tablet Magazine on Twitter?
Rebecca, a people is not responsible for your life, you are.
Maybe.
I don't know, I just...
I hate it here, I hate all this stuff.
Ah, well, this stuff, this town, these people...
They're you.
And if you hate that stuff, you hate yourself.
Oy, here you go.
And if you hate yourself, it doesn't matter how great your boyfriend is, you'll always be unhappy.
But I thought that when you loved someone, it just fixed everything and made your life great.
That's... that's a lot to put on a human being.
Yeah, but he's not a human being, he's Josh Chan.
When we were kids, he made me feel so happy.
And... I guess I just thought that if I could get back to that place, that my life would magically be okay.
That's not love, my dear. It's fantasy. It's not real.
Um, your father's on line one.
Close the door.
(door closes)
(breathes deeply)
Pops! Papa!
Papa Doodle Doo. What's the word?
We're all gearing up to get going on Peterson, so once we lock them in, we can hit the ground running.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yep, yep, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so that's a no.
That's fine. I hear you. Yeah.
I know. You got to earn it. Nothing gets handed to you.
I love that. That's how we do.
"Once you stop improving, you start losing."
I know. I hear you, sir. I love that saying.
Mm-hmm. Okay. Bye-bye.
(sighs)
That's it, I've had it. I can't take it anymore.
I'm responsible for that jerk being in our office, so I should be the one to stand up to him.
(exhales sharply)
(treadmill whirring)
(Nathaniel grunting, panting)
What's going on?
Got to burn the calories.
Got to work hard.
I had a brief lapse of judgment with that stupid candy!
But it's okay. I'll just burn it off.
I got to burn the mistakes. I mean, burn the calories.
Always improving, never a loser. Always improving, never a loser.
(beeping)
Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute! I don't think that's safe! Oh, oh!
Oh!
Nathaniel, are you okay?
(panting)
I'm so sad.
(sobs)
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
They gave me a temporary tooth.
(sniffles)
I'm sorry you had to see that, Darryl.
That was not professional.
You know, it's okay to be upset.
Noit's not. It's weak.
Does this have something to do with your dad?
Did he not give you the account?
Oh.
You know, my dad is a real jerk, too.
Oh. He used to yell at me all the time.
He used to call me an emasculated sock puppet.
Oh. That's where that's from.
I'm gonna bury that again.
Hold on.
Done.
Ha!
Hey, you know what?
You're doing really well, Nathaniel.
No, I see how hard you work, how talented you are, how little food you eat.
You're a very disciplined young man, and you don't need your dad to tell you that.
You have to know that for yourself.
I've been kind of a jerk to you, Darryl.
And I'm gonna pay to have the tooth blood cleaned out of your car.
Well, thank you.
You're a good kid.
Apology accepted.
Well, I didn't apologize.
(clears throat) Well, you kind of did.
I mean, basically you did.
Nope. Never happened.
Babe, I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted.
I was trying really hard, but I feel like you wanted something from me and I didn't give it to you.
No, you were fine. It's-it's honestly all fine.
Let's just go home.
Are you mad at me?
No. No, not mad. I just don't want to talk about it.
Um... left something in the bathroom.
I got to go. I'll be right back.
Ooh. End of trip selfie?
#ShalomMeansBothHelloAndGoodbye.
No. I'm-I'm good, thanks.
Naomi: I'm gonna wrap this lox up so you have something to eat on the plane.
Now, I know it may not be enough, but those nitwits at the deli were running short, and I...
Josh.
Huh? What?
What... ?
What's wrong?
Ah, it's just...
Rebecca seems like she's mad at me.
And I wanted this weekend to bring us together, but it feels like she's pulling away.
And you have no idea how much this relationship means to me.
I told everyone about it.
It can't fall apart now.
Well, it won't.
Because I won't let that happen.
You won't?
No. I actually think you and Rebecca are pretty wonderful together.
You soften some of her sharp edges, thank God.
(chuckles)
Wow. Thanks, Naomi.
That's nice of you to say.
But what do I do now?
Joshua, I am your Jewish mother now, and there are two things I will always have: indigestion and all the answers.
(chuckles softly)
So just listen to me, and do exactly as I say.
You know what?
(drops candy)
I do eat a bit too much candy.
My liver's basically 40% high fructose corn syrup.
(chuckles)
Well, good choice.
You know, I was thinking, Darryl. (clears throat)
I'm so slammed, maybe you would like to take over the Crestfield account?
The wh?
That's... that's, like, our biggest client.
Yeah. And I need a copilot.
Copilot Darryl C. Whitefeather reporting for duty, sir...
Maya?
Would you please get that? I'm very busy.
Got a ton of work to do.
Your office is that way.
Rebecca: I don't know.
I've been giving it a lot of thought.
And maybe Rabbi Shari's right.
About me not loving myself.
You know, maybe there's... there's something else at the core of my unhappiness that-that I didn't realize.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
Well, she said that I wouldn't find my answers in another person, and...
I don't know, that's starting to make a lot of sense.
(whistling the horah)
Go on.
Well... I moved to West Covina 'cause I thought my problems would be solved by a boy.
Now I'm with that boy, and I still have the same problems.
So...
I don't know, maybe it's something else.
And... if he is not the answer, what could it be about?
It could be... my own issues.
Oh...
Oh. What's wrong?
(crying) Nothing. It's just...
I'm so... happy.
Oh.
Could you stay a little longer today?
Candace!
Cancel my next five appointments.
Rebecca, do you think that you're finally really ready to confront your issues?
I think... I think maybe...
Yes. Yes, I am.
(exhales)
(Josh whistling in distance)
What's that noise?
Uh, nothing. It doesn't matter. You were saying?
You can't be happy in life until you're happy with yourself?
Yes.
But figuring out what that is, being happy with myself, that's a hard and scary road that I don't know if I want to go down.
(whistling continues)
What is that noise?
S-stay with me. Come on. (chuckles)
Stay with me.
So maybe... maybe I need to just take some time on my own...
... to figure...
(door opens)
Josh?
What are you doing here?
The Garfinkel ring.
But how did you... ?
You told me you pawned it, so I went to the pawn shop on East Cameron...
Rebecca, stay with me. You're working on yourself.
You're taking time out to be alone.
Oh, my God, you remembered me saying that.
This is... so romantic.
Oh. No!
No.
No! No!
Oh, my God.
This is like a fairy tale.
This is everything I've ever wanted.
Get up, Josh. Get up.
Get up, Josh!
Rebecca Nora Bunch, will...
No.
(gasps)
... you...
Wait!
... marry...
Please!
... me?
Yes!
No!
(groans): Oh!
(gasps)
(moaning)
So you live in Los Angeles?
Basically.
Do you know Jeremy Stein?
No.
You know Josh Berger?
No.
You know Sam Goldberg?
Nope.
Do you know Sammy Goldberg?
No.
Did you go to Camp Nock-A-Mixon?
No.
Did you go to Camp Winadu?
No.
Have you ever met a Jew before Rebecca?
No.
Yeah. Probably should've started with that question.
I love Adam Sandler.
Me, too.