01x08 - Private Investigator / Taxi Company

[bunniefuu]

My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.

Now, I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.

[epic orchestration]

♪

Brian wolfe claims to be the best private investigator in the los angeles area.

You know what I mean?

You keep people happy, they're gonna keep--

You're gonna-- they're gonna come back.

I'd love to take him at his word, but when I looked him up on yelp, he had zero reviews, and that's not good.

So I paid him a visit with a plan to change that.

When did you first know that you liked to snoop?

[laughs] Snoop.

No, it's not really snooping. I mean, it's just--

Well, it is.

It's not.

You know what I mean? It's observing.

We call it "observing."

Well, here's the thing.

I looked you up on yelp, and you have zero reviews.

Zero reviews. Well, what a name, "yelp."

Yelp's a web site where people look--

You look me up on google, you--

Look up "wolfe investigations."

What about yelp?

Okay, you keep on going on about yelp.

Why do I care about yelp?

Seriously, no, let's just think about this for one second.

Okay?

Been in business for 24 years.

Why do I care if yelp has a review about me?

Do you think I really care about yelp?

I don't give a [bleep] About yelp.

The plan: give wolfe's investigations their first five-star yelp review.

You're [bleep] Kidding me.

Are you done having your tantrum?

Look, I'm sitting down. I'm relaxed.

Just listen.

I can't just give you a review without knowing how good you are...

Okay.

So I'm gonna hire you to track a person.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you 24 hours to track my whereabouts, and if you do a good job at that, I'll give you a five-star review.

Easy.

Easy?

Easy.

All right.

Okay.

Ready?

Ready?

Set?

Go.

Give me some-- give me a chance to get a little bit of a head start.

Okay.

It's too much.

A classic game of cat and mouse.

If Brian was as good as he says he is, he was probably two steps ahead of me already.

But, luckily, I had a plan.

If Brian wanted a good review from me, it wasn't gonna be easy.

It's one thing for Brian to track one of me, but let's see how he does with nine of me.

Prior to visiting Brian, I hired eight actors that looked identical to me, and had them ready and waiting in a nearby hotel room to be my decoys.

You guys have one job, which is to be me, right?

All: Right.

So look how I'm standing.

Look at my posture. Listen to how I'm talking.

You got that?

All: All right.

Both: Got it.

I have a bit of a jaw thing, so sometimes, I'll go like this to my jaw.

If Brian was watching the hotel, this was my first chance to throw him off...

But I knew whether he was there or not, the next place he'd look is my house.

My understanding is that Nathan's at home.

So that's where we're headed right now.

So I kept the best body double back at the hotel to prepare him to go to my home as me.

So when you're there, you know, you need to be like me.

Okay.

So there's a bunch of dishes in the sink.

So you can do those.

Um, there's also laundry, so you could do that.

Um, and the house needs to be vacuumed.

So you want me to clean your house?

Yeah, stuff that would look like you're me.

Okay.

I gave him my keys and my address, but now I needed his.

If you're me, then who's you, right?

So I gotta be you while you're being me.

Want my keys?

Give me--yeah.

If you think I'm being unreasonable, keep in mind that Brian is a professional p.I.

And he'd be able to sniff out any inconsistencies in my plan.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I have a fiancee, yeah.

A fiancee?

Mm-hmm.

What's her number?

I need to be you if you're me, or else it won't make any sense.

You want her number? Really?

Uh, yeah.

[clears throat]

Caitlin, it was?

Yeah.

When's the wedding date?

Next year.

We still got to lock down a date.

You don't have a date yet?

No.

Okay, maybe I'll figure that out with her.

Um...

You do that.

With dan's willingness to include his fiancee in the operation, the switch was in full effect.

Then, we left as discreetly as possible and got into each other's cars.

My initial hunch was right.

Brian was secretly watching my house from an suv across the street.

Hopefully, my plan to get my double inside would work.

Oh, this could be our subject right now.

Look at that. It's Nathan.

He's parked on the north side of the street.

Bingo.

Looks like he's carrying a case of beer on his left shoulder.

Amazing.

Going to a party tonight.

He's walking to the residence right now, and now, he's out of view.

Mission accomplished.

The beer-on-shoulder trick actually fooled Brian, but, at the time, I didn't know that.

So I headed to dan's house.

And on my way, I made a quick stop.

Hi, do you-- do you sell any condoms at all?

Yes, sir.

I didn't know what was gonna happen once I got to dan's house...

Do you have anything that's smaller?

But I wanted to be prepared for everything...

This is the smallest?

Yes.

But when I arrived, my plan immediately started to crumble.

Hey.

Both: Hi.

He left me a message that someone was coming over, but I wasn't expecting all this.

Babe, um, so this guy showed up, and he keeps calling himself "dan,"

And he brought me flowers and some malbec.

Dan's fiancee was creeped out by me, and I didn't know what to do.

I mean, I'd feel better if you, you know, left.

And then, when dan gets back, you can come back.

My whole plan was falling apart.

I was tired, and I had nothing left to do but give up.

Nathan.

Hey.

How are you doing?

All right, I give up. You got me.

You're playing mind games. I can't keep up.

You're an easy prey, kid.

Well, you're the--you're a pro, so what can I say?

Thank you.

Do you wanna go grab a beer or something?

I know a great place down the block.

Let's do it, jump in.

Do you wanna?

Yeah, let's go. Come on.

Okay.

Who the [bleep] Are you?

What?

You heard what I said.

Who the [bleep] Are you?

I'm Nathan.

You're not Nathan.

I just talked to you three seconds ago.

You know what? Enough shenanigans.

Get the [bleep] Out of my truck now.

"I learned an important lesson that day-- that no matter where I was or how long I stayed in one place..."

What are you, [bleep]? Get out!

"I'd always be running. I'd always have no home while Brian hunted me down. But the most important thing I learned of all is that Brian S. Wolfe is an amazing private investigator. Four stars. He's a little talkative, so that's where he lost the one star."

[chuckles]

"Nathan F."

That's your review.

You know what?

That's your opinion.

Typically, I get five stars.

Well, typically, you have no reviews.

I don't give a flying [bleep] About yelp, okay?

I ought to do a background check on you, see what type of fellow you are.

You know what you are?

You remind me of the wizard of loneliness 'cause you your own self, your own wizard.

That's what you are. [laughs]

Look at you in a [bleep] Pink shirt and everything else.

Oh, you're k*lling me. You--you have no friends.

That's why you're the wizard of loneliness.

Earlier this season, I faked a dating show to help me overcome my fear of women, and it got me thinking--

Maybe I could use this strategy to help someone else.

One of the guys that works on my show behind the scenes, solomon, is a quiet, hard worker, but he reminded me a lot of myself.

And over the course of the season, we bonded.

Well, I like the movie click.

With adam sandler?

Yes, with adam sandler.

That's funny.

[chuckles]

When I found out he had issues with women as well...

Do you have a girlfriend?

Uh, at this time, no.

I decided to help him out by setting him up on a blind date as part of my show.

I wanna set you up on a blind date.

That--that's good.

You don't seem that excited.

No, I-I am.

No, well-- show it on your face, then.

Uh, excitement?

Yeah.

Yes, I'm excited!

Oh, great. You look excited.

Yes, yes, I am.

Great.

But when I pitched the idea to comedy central, all they saw was an opportunity to cash in.

There's a catch.

What's the catch?

One of the sponsors of the show is quiznos.

Um, this isn't a joke, but they are making us do this at one of their restaurants.

Okay.

So would you be willing to do your date at a quiznos?

[stammers] It's okay.

The quiznos is good.

Solomon took the news well, and even though I wasn't thrilled with having product placement in my show, we'll see solomon's date in a bit.

But first, when I get into a taxicab, all I hope for is a nice, quiet ride...

Lexington and wilshire, please.

But there really is no easy way to ask for that.

Uh, Nathan.

Um, sorry, I don't really wanna have a conversation right now.

It's always been an awkward situation for me.

That's why I devised a solution and brought it to struggling los angeles taxi company independent cab, where I met with president nettabi ahmed.

All I'm suggesting is you make it easy for the customer to decide if he wants a conversation or not and exactly what he wants to talk about.

But you cannot ask somebody, "do you have--do you wanna have a conversation or not?"

Until now. The plan--

A touch screen system that will allow the customer to discreetly communicate to the driver whether or not he wants a conversation.

And if he does, he'll actually be able to select the topic he wants to talk about.

The idea, I accept it right now, but I need to test it, not--not only for your documentary or for your movie, but for the business itself.

Before committing to anything, nettabi wanted me to do a trial run with one of his drivers--reuben.

Along with reuben's home country of armenia, I picked three more mainstream conversation topics for customers to choose from and took out some books from the library so that reuben could study up on them.

You promise you'll read these?

I promise, yeah.

Okay.

'cause it's very important.

Okay.

You know, I wanna look good for your boss.

Okay.

After giving reuben a week to study, we had our touch screen system installed in his cab, and it was time to go pick up some customers.

Santa monica and wilton, please.

No problem.

So we're doing this thing where you can select your conversation preferences for the ride.

See, yes or no.

Turns out a lot of people were like me.

No one wanted to talk to the driver.

Love that silence.

Just nice and quiet.

Are you enjoying the silence?

Kind of.

But in order to really sell my idea to nettabi, I needed to show the conversation feature working with a customer.

Okay.

Um, you know, I just wonder what california--

What was native to california, or, you know, like, dolphins, or--

Which whales are native?

Yeah, that--that'd be right.

Which whales are native to california?

California.

Yeah.

I cannot ask. I'm sorry.

But that was covered in the-- in the books.

Did you read-- did you read the books?

No.

You didn't read them?

Okay.

I was stunned that reuben hadn't prepared.

And if he couldn't talk about whales, nettabi would never go for my idea.

So I asked him to pull over and had the customer wait outside so we could talk.

What's going on?

You don't know anything about whales?

Reuben knew nothing, and in a last-ditch effort, I pulled up some whale facts on my phone for him to memorize.

A sperm whale can hold its breath for at least one hour.

One hour, it can hold--

Hold its breath, sperm whale.

Okay.

Sperm whale.

I gave reuben about 15 whale facts, and then, it was time to bring the customer back in.

Okay, got it?

Yeah.

Okay, ready? I'm gonna bring her back in.

Yeah.

Okay, don't--don't mess it up.

Both: Okay.

It all came down to this.

The fate of my concept was in reuben's hands.

So are you-- you were asking about whales?

Yes.

Okay.

So, um...

It's a-- very interesting animals.

Uh, for example...

It can hold the breath underwater for one hour.

What else?

Also, they can live 200 years.

Keep going.

All the whales sit around family.

Wow.

Reuben came through in a big way, and in no time, he was even making up his own facts.

Have you ever fought a shark?

Yeah.

You have?

Yeah, it was a great-- great white.

Wow.

Whoa, you fought a great white?

What did you do?

His mouth like this.

If you go this way, he cannot touch you...

Okay.

And I tried, and I b*at it.

A great white shark came to bite you, and you kicked it?

Yeah. I kicked it.

And did you k*ll him?

No.

Yeah, I k*ll him.

Oh, wow.

Pretty good, huh?

Yeah, it's-- it's really interesting.

Do you like this system? Have you ever seen it before?

No.

Would you tell your friends about it?

Uh, sure.

Reuben far surpassed any expectations I had for him, and I couldn't wait to show nettabi the results.

'Cause this way, he cannot touch you...

Wow.

And I tried, and I b*at him.

That's good.

You like it?

The customer looks happy.

And the driver was comfortable.

So I like it.

I'm so happy I could help you.

Um, do you mind if I leave you my business card?

Absolutely.

Basically, to care for it, you just have to feed it kind of wheat--

Every day, I have to look at your card.

You care for it, yeah.

Oh, that's a brilliant idea.

Yeah, because you never forget who gave it to you.

Yes, you are full-- full of good ideas.

Oh, great.

Have a good day.

You too.

Good to meet you.

Bye, bye.

Earlier, I set up one of my employees on a blind date, and the girl I picked for him was someone that I met on my fake dating show-- Rachel.

There's no one else like me. [laughs]

As part of the agreement with quiznos, solomon was gonna have to say some branding cues from the company during his date.

So I gave him a hidden earpiece and stationed myself in the back room with a quiznos marketing rep so I could tell him what to say during his date.

I could tell solomon was nervous, but he looked fantastic in my grandpa's suit.

I just hoped that he could hit it off with rachel.

Hi, my name is solomon.

Hi.

I'm rachel.

You have nice eyes.

Oh, thank you.

So do you.

Thank you.

You could ask her if-- "what's your favorite quiznos sub?"

All right, is that kind of weird early on in the date?

I tried to hold off the quiznos rep as long as I could so solomon and rachel could really connect...

Have you seen the movie click?

No.

Oh, it's about, um, a guy that gets this remote control, and he control life.

Oh, wow, awesome.

Yeah.

But, eventually, she was just too persistent.

Did you know the baja chicken has...

Chef-inspired...

Chef-inspired sauces?

Did you know the baja chicken has chef-inspired sauces?

Oh, really? Cool.

Have him say, "mm, toasty."

Are you kidding me?

So, um...

Will you say, "mm, toasty" after you bite it?

Mm.

Toasty.

[chuckles]

Now, we could talk about the artisan breads, the freshly sliced meats and cheeses--

Okay, I'm-- I love quiznos, and I'm happy to do this, but can we let them do their thing for a bit, and get to know each other?

Okay.

Be genuine. Be yourself.

Speak from the heart.

Do you-- do you know any poems?

No.

Do you?

Yes, I do.

"roses are red, violets are blue. No one is prettier than you."

Aw. Thanks.

You're welcome.

That's good.

Yeah, if we can throw in the tag line again.

All right, wrap it up, solomon.

So, uh, it seems, uh, that we're done with...

With the tasty quiznos...

Sandwich.

Great.

You're real pretty and I want to see you again.

Even with the awkwardness of our product placement, I was so happy things worked out for solomon.

But there was still one thing I had to look into.

Earlier tonight, you saw me help a private investigator.

But what I didn't show you is that after we were done, I asked him if he wanted to hang out, and he rebuffed me.

Would you wanna hang out on saturday night?

No, it's not gonna happen.

Why?

I have plans.

You have plans?

I do.

On saturday?

I do.

What are the plans?

Taking my girl out to dinner.

You're going out to dinner with your girl?

Yes.

All right.

But there was something in Brian's tone that just didn't seem right to me, so I hired a second private investigator to spy on Brian to see if he really went out with his girl.

And if it's open, he's definitely home.

Yeah, exactly.

I never saw him leave at all, period.

'cause he told me he was going out with his girl that night.

Oh, interesting.

You don't look too happy.

No, I'm just-- I'm surprised he lied to me.

What--do you think the guy, like--he didn't like me, or...

I don't know, you know?

I mean, somet--I mean, if I don't like somebody and they'd ask me that, I'd probably say, "I'd love to go out with you. I'm just really busy."

Right, so he was just trying to get rid of me.

I think he was trying to get rid of you.

[chuckles]

That's what it sounds like.

No--sorry about that, but--

No, no, no.

It's just my opinion.

Yeah, you did a great job.

My pleasure.

Um, what are you doing this weekend?

This weekend?

Uh, probably going to go to San Francisco.

We'll have to make it another time.

[both chuckle]

No, I'm probably going to go to San Francisco, see my family.

Mm.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, thanks so much for coming in and helping.

You got it. Take care. Nice to meet you.

All right.

Do you wanna hang out sometime--a time outside?

I don't know.

It's fine.

Mm...

We don't have to. That's fine.

Yeah, okay.

You're--are you in a relationship right now?

Yes. [chuckles]

Okay. So sorry, nevermind.

Nice guys like us are left behind.

Mm, how do you say? "nice guys finish last."

You have no friends.

That's why you're the wizard of loneliness.

That's you.

I need you to pretend to be my friend.

I can pay you.

So are you attracted to him?

I guess no.

He wasn't really what I expected.

We'll have to make it another time.

[chuckles]

[dial tone rings]

Good afternoon. Global investigations.

Hi, you're a private investigator?

Uh, yes. How may I direct your call?

Um, yeah, I just want to find out if a paul katz is going to San Francisco this weekend.

[up-tempo dramatic orchestration]

♪

Ab-so-lutely.

[puffs]

[airplane soaring]