01x01 - Pilot

[crying]: I think you'll find our...

Napa Chardonnay to have hints of vanilla and caramel with a velvety smooth finish.

[sobs]

Are you all right?

Some days are better than others.

Thanks for asking.

[sniffs] It's very good.

Yeah, 2004 was a great year for this wine.

[sniffs]

Not so much for me.

[sniffs]

Enjoy.

[clears throat]

[sniffs]

So, did I talk you into that soufflé?

Uh, yeah, two.

Good call.

You won't want to share.

Oh, God.

[groans]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear... ♪
♪ Ethel ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
♪ And many more. ♪

Hm... More butter and salt.

They only need to live long enough to pay the check.

Beat those egg whites gently... as if they were a small, annoying child.

Paul, you're on fire again.

Um, Christy, you got a second?

I can't talk now, Gabriel. I'm working.

Yeah, I know, but, uh, here's the thing.

I-I'm getting a lot of complaints.

Really? About what?

Well, apparently, one of my waitresses is having a nervous breakdown.

Is it Jennifer?

No.

Is it Carol?

It's you!

Gabriel, what does this taste like to you?

Uh, mushrooms?

The correct answer was "ass."

Listen, uh, maybe you should take the rest of the night off.

I can't afford to do that. I have children to feed.

Not a problem. Grab a couple steaks, head home and feed 'em.

[sighs]

You don't understand.

The guy at table 4 said something horrible to me when I was telling him about the salmon.

What's wrong with the salmon?

Nothing, the salmon's great!

The guy insulted me.

Oh, that's fine.

What did he say?

He said I was...

[sniffles] "a good waitress."

That's not bad. Or true. [groans]

I didn't grow up to be a "good waitress""

That was never the plan.

The plan was to be a psychologist.

Okay. You're a young woman.

You can still do that.

Yeah, maybe.

I'd probably have to graduate high school first.

[groans]

Now all I've got to look forward to is serving $60 risotto to a bunch of smug food Nazis.

I mean, who are we kidding?

It's a big, steaming pile of gooey rice!

What did you say?

Get over yourself, Rudy.

I saw you at McDonald's going down on a Big Mac.

First of all, it was a Filet-O-Fish.

And for you?

Um, I'd like the, uh...

[studio audience cheering, applauding]

I'd like the, uh, the pounded capon with, uh, lemongrass and thyme.

Excellent choice. You know... that's a castrated chicken they beat with a hammer.

1x01 - Pilot

Man [on CD]: Daily affirmations.

I open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

[sighs] I open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

Man [on CD]: Forgiving those who have wronged me is a gift I give myself.

My daughter's an easy lay and it's not my fault.

[sighs]

Hi.

I'm sorry. Did I wake you?

That's okay. How was work?

Oh, fun. I feel guilty taking the money.

What'd you do tonight?

Not much. Did my homework, watched TV.

Mmm. Is there a TV on your ceiling?

What?

Sit down. We need to talk.

[sighs]

What's up?

Violet, I can't tell you... not to have s*x at your age, because I had s*x at your age.

Mom, I'm not having s*x. [groans]

Don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.

And in case you've forgotten, I got pregnant with you when I was a teenager.

And please don't take this the wrong way: It ruined my life.

I love you, too, Mom...?

And I can't tell you not to drink and smoke pot, because my senior yearbook quote was: "Let's drink and smoke pot""

Can this please be over?

You don't know how lucky you are.

My mother never bothered to talk to me about this stuff.

Yeah, this is over.

Honey, I just don't want you to wake up one day and feel bad 'cause you're not a psychologist!

[door slams]

Okay, good talk!

Let's get you back in your own bed.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

I waited up for you.

Thank you.

[grunts]

Violet's boyfriend was over.

I know.

They were kissing.

I'm sure they were.

They took a shower together.

Terrific.

Are you coming to my talent show tomorrow?

Tomorrow? What time?

11:00.

Oh, honey, I have to work the lunch shift.

It's okay. I'm not good anyway.

[sighs]

Listen, maybe I can get someone to cover my shift.

Don't worry about it.

No, I-I want you to be able to look out into the audience and see me, because that way you'll know how much I...

Shh! Mommy, I'm sleeping.

Good talk.

[sighs wearily]

[knocking on door]

Hi.

[sighs with relief]

You feeling better?

Oh, yeah. My home is a real oasis.

So, am I in trouble with Chef Rudy?

He'll be fine.

He bought an eight ball and took home the pastry chef.

Sleeping with your boss. Who does that?

Roscoe: Mom...?

Yeah, honey?

I had a bad dream.

Oh, no, well, um... why don't you go back to bed and I'll come lay down with you in a second?

[sighs]

I'm so sorry. I owe you one.

Don't lay there too long. The sprinklers come on in ten minutes.

[sprinklers activating]

[huffs]

What the hell?

Can I help you?

What time is the talent show?

What talent show?

There's no talent show today?

I don't think so.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

I lost a day's pay for no reason?

Maybe we were destined to meet.

It would definitely be the high point of my day.

Psst! Roscoe!

Hi, Mom.

What are you doing here?

The talent show?

That's not today.

But you said it was!

Guess I was wrong.

I guess you were.

Don't you kids tease him about this.

[muffled]: Son of a bitch!

[kids giggling]

Oh, God, I need a drink.

Hi, I'm Christy and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Christy.

I've been sober 118 days.

Oh, don't applaud for that.

They've been the worst 118 days of my life.

[all laugh]

Um... [chuckles]

The only reason I'm here is because, uh, I didn't want to turn into my mother.

And I did anyway.

Yeah, I drank like her.

I went through men like her.

Um, I was selfish to my kids just like she was.

And I didn't know how to live any other way because she was my only role model.

I mean, some mothers teach their daughters how to bake.

Mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.

[all laugh]

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

And I cannot tell you how comforting it is to be in a room with people who are just as screwed up as I am, so...

Oh, stop it.

Hi, I'm Jim and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jim.

Aren't you a little old to be blaming all your problems on your mother?


Hi, Mom.

Hi, I'm Greg. May I take your order?

Hi, Greg. I'm Bonnie and this is my daughter, Christy.

Hi.

She and I haven't spoken in a couple of years, so this is kind of a big moment for us.

Oh, for God's sake.

What can you recommend for a mother and daughter who are reconnecting after a long, angry silence?

Um... pie?

Mom, please, just order.

Um, is the mint tea decaffeinated?

Yes.

Do you promise?

If I have caffeine after 2:00, my sleep in ruined.

I promise.

Okay, Greg, but if I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm calling you.

Well, I'll-I'll give you my number. [Greg chuckles]

[clears throat]

Um, and for you?

We have a lovely selection of local wines.

I'll have a bottle of each and a funnel.

She's kidding. We're both in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Mom, it's Alcoholics Anonymous, not Alcoholics Tell Your Waiter.

Water is fine. Here, take this knife away from me.

So, when were you going to tell me you quit drinking?

Well, I was afraid if I called you, I'd just start again.

Not that you care, but I have two years clean and sober myself.

You're right; I don't care.

Well, regardless, it has really changed my life.

I have a steady job. I exercise.

I'm in a book club!

I have become the kind of woman I've always hated.

It is nice to see you wearing underwear.

And not on your head.

Greg: Here we go.

Oh, Greg, honey, can I trouble you for some water without ice?

Ice isn't good for my digestive system.

Yeah, of course.

Really? Ice?

I think your digestive system has seen worse than ice.

Excuse me?

Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.

It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

Okay, here we go.

Now, I hope that you're being nice to your mother.

Go away, Greg!

Right.

Whoa, whoa. You know, just because you're sober doesn't mean you can't take a Xanax.

Actually, Mom, it sort of does.

Really? Maybe I don't have two years.

And I don't need a Xanax; I'm doing great.

Well, that's funny, 'cause your daughter says you're hanging on by your fingernails and sleeping with your boss.

Wait, when do you talk to Violet?

We talk all the time, and we're Facebook friends.

I don't want her talking to you.

Well, she has to talk to somebody. She's sexually active, drinking, smoking grass. Sound familiar?

[scoffs] You're making this about me?

No, it's okay. I have come to understand that you were the best daughter you could be.

My job is to forgive you, which I do.

Oh, my God!

You forgive me?

I've come a long way.

Excuse me, but if anybody needs to be forgiven, it's you, and I don't, and I never will.

There's hardly a day I can remember that I didn't come home to an empty house.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth.

Otherwise known as "working."

I don't want you in my life.

And while you're at it, stay away from my daughter!

She may need a better role model than me, but it's certainly not you.

Is, uh, everything okay?

My daughter doesn't get me.

Oh. I'm sorry.

What time do you get off work? I could use a lap to cry on.

[sobbing]

Oh.

Stop crying. It wasn't an important finger.

This doesn't concern you.

Oh, good, you're still here.

Hey, hi. This is a surprise.

Yeah, I just really needed to talk to you.

I am having the worst day.

Hey, you ready to go?

Yes, dear.

Um, Christy, you know my, uh, wife.

Yeah, hi, Claudia. Nice to see you again.

It's "Clowdia""

FYI, the ladies' room needs some attention.

I don't know if that's you, Christy.

It's not, and it's "Christ-y."

Okay, dear, let's go.

Bye.

Yeah.

Don't serve the soup.

Hey, Mom. Dad's here!

Yo, yo, baby mama.

What do you want, Baxter?

A father can't visit his son?

Not when he's six months behind on child support, but you're welcome to wave at him through the window.

Be right back, Roscoe.

Don't be afraid to hit the hookers with a bat.

I think I may have found a way to pay you your child support.

Trust me, Baxter, you can't sell that much semen.

I know. I tried.

So, here's the deal: I know a guy who can hook me up with a couple of kilos of premium Sonoma Kush.

All I need is $2,000...

...from you.

Just so I'm clear: You want to pay child support by borrowing money from me so you can buy pot?

[laughing]: No. So I can sell pot.

There's no money in buying pot. I know. I tried.

Luke: Oh.

Hey. Hello.

What are you doing here?

Um... studying...?

You let Violet have boys over while you're gone?

No, I do not, and don't worry about her, she's not your kid.

I know, but this sets a bad example for Roscoe.

Oh, you're worried about setting a bad example?

You had Roscoe pee into a sippy cup so you could pass a drug test.

And it worked.

[knocking on door]

I like bananas. They have their own carrying case.

You know I can't divorce Claudia.

Her father owns the restaurant; I'm pretty sure he'd fire me, and then what?

I was an English major. [sighs]

I can't believe you're sleeping with that loser.

I can't believe you're sleeping with this loser!

Hey, we were mostly studying.

Shut up, Luke. I love him.

Please, I used to love him!

She did.

Mom, Luke and I have been together for, like, a year.

You only started noticing when you stopped drinking.

[sighs]

You're right.

I-I haven't been a very good mother, and I'm sorry, but...

But what?

[scoffs]

You want me to forgive you?

Oh, God, would you? That'd be awesome!

Why should I forgive you when you can't even forgive your own mother?

That's different.

How?

[both scoff]

Okay.

[wry laugh]

Okay... [clears throat]

[sighs]

Hello, Mom, it's Christy.

Yeah, yeah, today was a blast.

Listen...

I just want you to know that I forgive you for everything you did when I was growing up.

I get, now, that you did the best you could...

...just like I'm doing.

And...

I hope that you and I can wipe the slate clean and start over.

No, I did not take a Xanax from your purse!

Listen, I gotta go. Yeah, talk soon.

[sighs]

There. I've forgiven my mother.

Are we good?

It's not that easy.

Oh, come on! Like me!

[door shuts]

Roscoe: Hey, Dad!

If you hit the hookers enough times, they give you your money back!

Smart kid. That's my semen at work.

[sighs]

You still living in that red van?

Yep.

Looks like your house is being towed.

Oh, no, my cleaning lady's in there.

What a day, huh?

[giggling]

Hello...?

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hello, sweetie.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd help out while you were at work.

You know, clean slate.

You didn't have to do that.

Yeah, she did.

Bonnie made Roscoe and me hot dinner.

Yeah, but I...

It was hot, Mom!

Like on TV.

Night, Bonnie.

[chuckles]

Both: Mwah.

[both chuckles]

She calls you Bonnie?

We're like sisters.

You hungry?

No, thanks. I ate at the restaurant.

How about some tea?

Okay.

[sighs]

I'm so glad you and I have a chance to start over.

Forgive me, but I'm not quite there yet.

Of course I forgive you.

[sighs] You know... {*trnscr}

I apologized for beeing a crappy daughter.

So, anything you wanna say to me...

I love you with all my heart.

And?

And... from now on, I'm going to be the kind of mother you deserve.

This is the start of a new chapter.

[bell rings]

Oh, it's my date!

New chapter, same book.

Ready to go?

Let me just get my bag.

You remember our waiter Greg?

Hi, new dad!

Please stop. He's way to young for me.

And he's... [whispers] married.

Married? What a whore.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Your daughter think she might be pregnant.

Call me, if you need me.