01x04 - Loathing and Tube Socks

Previously on Mom...

You have no right to tell me who I can and cannot see!

What are you saying, we're not monogamous?

Gabriel, you're married.

We do it once a month, and I don't even take off my T-shirt.

I've been sober 118 days.

Oh! Don't applaud for that.

They've been the worst 118 days of my life.

Um... the only reason I'm here is because, uh, I didn't want to turn into my mother.

I mean, some mothers teach their daughters how to bake, mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.

You doing all right?

I... don't know. Excuse me.

I can't believe this!

Hey, you have to take some of the responsibility for this pregnancy.

We had the talk.

I told her about abstinence, condoms, everything.

Did you mention oral s*x as a work-around?

Oh, my God, it is my fault.

1x04 - "Loathing and Tube Socks"

Oh, God, I hate this part.

Just be cool.

I can barely walk with all the crap you've taped to my thighs.

Well, there was another place to hide it, but you're too dainty.

I told you that's exit only.

Next, please.

Here we go.

Welcome back to the United States.

Is your trip for business or pleasure?

Pleasure.

Business.

Business.

Pleasure.

The point is, we're thrilled to be back.

God bless America! Home of our ancestors!

And the birthplace of jazz.

Okay. Whose bag is this?

My Mom's.

No, I'm pretty sure that's yours, honey.

See? It's got your nametag right on it.

Yeah, but that's not my bag.

Well, it certainly ain't mine, muchacha.

Well, what do we have here?

Christy! How could you?!

What?! This is not my bag, and I've never seen that before!

Oh, sweetheart, did prison teach you nothing?

I've never been to prison!

Look, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but check her thighs... their street value is $80,000.

Mom!

[gasps]

[phone rings]

What?!

You sold me out to the Feds!

Oh, honey... are you drinking again?

No, I just dreamt that you and I were smuggling drugs from Mexico, and when it went bad, you made me take the fall!

Oh, how awful.

It is!

You know, when you were a little girl and had a bad dream, I let you crawl in bed with me until you felt safe.

You did?

I did.

But now you're a fully grown crazy person, so I'm just gonna hang up!

Mom? Mom...?

[sighs]

Of all the things to yell at my mother for, I had to pick the one that didn't happen.

[muffled] Hey, Mom, I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry[/i] for yelling at you.

I know it was just a dream, but it seemed so real.

Hang on. I gotta spit.

Anyway, call me back... unless you're gonna punish me with silence, which is so you.

Probably what you're doing right now.

Well, you know what? It's not gonna work.

I'm not gonna let you get in my head. Go to hell!

That's gonna come back and bite me in the ass.

Why aren't you dressed? We're gonna be late.

My underpants are crunchy.

What do you mean, "crunchy"?

I don't know what happened. They were soft yesterday.

Oh, honey, you can't keep wearing the same underwear.

Put on some clean ones.

I don't have any clean ones.

And you're telling me this 5 minutes before you have to leave for school?

I'm as surprised as you are.

All right. Let's go see if your sister has a pair you can borrow.

I'm not wearing Violet's underpants!

No one will know!

I'll know.

Violet, do you have any old underwear Roscoe could wear?

Seriously? You haven't screwed him up enough?

It's a "yes or no" question.

So was mine.

Forget it; I'll just buy him some on the way to school.

Ugh, that reminds me, I'm gonna need some money for some new jeans.

I'm, like, seriously bloated lately.

[mocking]: Violet, you're, like, seriously pregnant lately.

And you have a job. You want new jeans, spend your own money.

I'm not wasting my money on fat pants.

Oh, so you're okay to waste mine?

Well, I was hoping...

Listen, Juno...

...the minute you got pregnant, life as you know it ended.

It's time you got ready for the dream-sucking monster which is about to shoot out of your hoo-ha and gobble up your life!

You're a horrible woman.

And soon you'll be one, too!

Ah, here.

Clean underwear.

I don't want to wear these.

What's wrong with them?

They have anchors.

What's wrong with anchors?

They're stupid.

Oh, for God's sake, it's just a design. It doesn't mean anything.

Well, I like my underwear to make sense.

I'm not having this conversation with you.

Then who is?

Excuse me, can my son change in your bathroom?

We don't have a bathroom.

Of course you have a bathroom. Come on. Help me out here.

Sorry, it's not for public use.

Okay, look, I'm in a hurry. I gotta get him to school.

Can't you make an exception?

I don't make the rules.

[sighs] No, but you have a brain and you could use it now to help my little boy put on a pair of clean underpants!

Mom, it's okay.

I got this, Roscoe!

I don't think you do.

Why don't I just change in the car?

No, you are gonna change...

...right here!

In the store? I'm not an animal.

Go ahead! No one can see!

Ma'am, he can't take his clothes off in here.

Want to bet? Take your clothes off in here.

Please don't make me call security.

No, no, go ahead. I want you to. In fact, I'll do it for you.

Security! Nine-year-old changing into anchor underpants in aisle eleven! Shoot to kill!

You're a horrible woman.

Oh, like I haven't heard that today from some other bitch!

[sweetly]: Go ahead, honey. Go on, change.

So one regular coffee and a latte.

Mm-hmm.

You know, sweetie, you'd be so much prettier if you smiled once in a while!

Excuse me?

Show a little teeth. Brighten the world up!

I'm sorry; I'll-I'll certainly give that a try.

Try it now!

There you go! Was that so hard?

It's amazing you got to teach a broad who works for tips basic courtesy.

[sighs]

You look really pretty today.

Did you change your hair?

Bite me!

Is it just me, or do crazy waitresses give you a woody?

Hi.

Hi. Christy, right?

Yeah. How'd you know my name?

We met at your first meeting. I'm Marjorie.

I'm sorry. I spent most of that meeting crying and vomiting into my purse.

And you wonder why I remember your name.

How's it going now?

Well, got a new purse.

Very nice.

Unfortunately, that's about the only thing I got going for me.

Sorry to hear it.

Did you ever have one of those days where everyone you meet is a gigantic ass?

Everyone, huh?

Yeah.

My mom, my kids, the people at work, even some idiot clerk at the 99-Cent Store.

Yeah, I've had days like that, and you know what I finally figured out?

What?

If everyone I meet's an ass... maybe I'm the ass.

Wait... you're saying I'm the problem?

You're very quick.

[mocking] You're very quick.

Oh, God, I am the ass.

Susan: Okay, everyone, I think we're ready to get started.

Please remember there is no parking in the lot adjacent to the building....

You know, I get that I have to take responsibility for my life, but you have no idea what it was like growing up with my mother.

I'm sure it was a nightmare, but you're not a child anymore.

I know that, but she makes me so mad!

You got two options, sweetie: you can stay angry at your mother and be miserable for the rest of your life, or you can let it go and be happy.

Susan: The main doors should stay closed during the meeting...

Isn't there a third option?


Hi, Mom.

Hello.

Thanks for meeting me.

Oh, sure.

Um, listen, I want to apologize for yelling at you the other day.

Mm-hmm?

That's it? That's all you're gonna say?

"Mm-hmm"?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs] Anyway, I feel terrible.

Just "terrible"?

What do you mean?

Well, I would think you'd feel ashamed, as well.

Okay. Ashamed.

Maybe a little dopey.

Dopey, Doc and sneezy. Are we good?

I came in here good.

Whatever.

Let's just eat. Lunch is on me.

It's my way of showing I'm letting go of my anger.

That's very generous of you. Of course, if I were flush with cash, I might buy my pregnant daughter new jeans, but you're doing some "tough love" thing... I get it.

You talked to Violet?

She tweeted it.

And did you defend me?

Nope, I just retweeted and moved on.

Right there. That's where my dream comes from.

You never, ever have my back. You always put your needs ahead of mine.

Well, I certainly hope the salmon is more satisfying than your apology.

[growling]

Don't growl, sweetheart; it's not very ladylike.

Hey, buddy. I went and did all your laundry, so you have nice, fresh clothes for tomorrow.

No need to thank me.

Are you giving me the cold, silent treatment, like your Grandma does?

No, I'm doing a puzzle and it's hard.

You know, I'm really sorry I haven't been on top of getting the laundry done.

Or making sure we have peanut butter.

Oh, are we out of peanut butter?

And jelly.

Okay.

And bread.

Right.

[sighs]

Hey, can I help?

Sure.

[groans]

You know... I want you to know that I will always be there for you, no matter what.

Nothing you do could make me love you less.

Even if I grow up to be like Dad?

Oh, honey... the fact that you're doing a puzzle means you won't end up like your Dad.

How's the cheesecake?

[muffled] Awesome!

Do you like it, Violet? It's your favorite.

I tell you I don't fit into my pants, so you buy me cheesecake?

I was just trying to do something nice for you.

Whatever.

You know, Violet... your mom's making a real effort, here, and you're not giving her much to work with.

Are you taking her side?

It's okay, Luke.

No, no, no.

There are no sides when it comes to family.

We're a circle.

Or a triangle...

...but that would have sides, so a circle.

Luke, for your own sake, stay out of this.

Well, Christy, I am this.

You know, everyone says you're all moody 'cause you're pregnant, but they're wrong.

You've always been moody.

Why don't you go take out the garbage?

Yes, dear.

I learned to say that from watching TV.

Do you believe him?

Yeah, that was pretty stupid.

Do guys get smarter over time?

Oh, honey... if they have the love of a good woman, all things are possible...

I'm sorry, I can't lie to you! No. [laughs]

Chef Rudy?

Um... I want you to know that I'm aware I've been kind of bitchy lately, and I'm working on it.

I'm trying to be a better person.

Appreciate the sentiment.

And good luck with that.

Thank you.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Gabriel, you got a sec?

Not if you're gonna snap my head off.

I'm really sorry about that. I was having a bad day, and...

I didn't mean to take it out on you. You don't deserve that.

I miss you, too!

Uh... no. That's not where I'm going with this.

I want to hold you so much right now!

I'm trying to apologize, not turn you on.

Too late!

Gabriel, listen to me. You and I are done. Over.

[in Italian] Finito.

Excuse me. Miss?

[speaks quietly]

I'm not sure if you remember me...

I remember.

Yeah, I bet you do. I want to apologize.

Your job's tough enough without some jerk like me telling you to smile.

Seriously?

Yeah, it's really been eating at me.

I-I hope you'll accept my apology.

Yes. I do. Thanks so much.

You've really made my day.

Great.

Have a nice lunch.

[whispering] I so wish I hadn't spit in his latte.

Hi, Marjorie.

Ah, there she is.

I just wanted to thank you for talking to me the other day.

Your advice really helped.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Once I let go of my anger, everyone suddenly got nicer.

Aw. Good for you.

Anger is a luxury people like us cannot afford.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, Mom.

Do you two know each other?

We've, uh... crossed paths.

Hello, Marjorie.

...Bonnie.

Marjorie made cookies.

Thanks for the warning.

Good-bye, Marjorie.

...Bonnie.

That's your mother?

Yeah.

No wonder you drank.

Uh...

Excuse me, could I talk to you for second?

Look, lady, I don't want any problems.

No, no, no. I came here to apologize.

I was very rude the other day.

Oh.

Anyway, there's no excuse for it, but, um... once again, I'm sorry.

Wow, I've been working here six years and this has never happened.

[choked up]: People come in, they just treat you like you're nothing, and then... go about their business, buying cotton balls and tube socks.

Well, you do get a lot of tube sock for your money here.

But you came back to apologize.

To be fair, I also needed toenail clippers.

It doesn't matter. Thank you.

Okay. Okay. Geoff...

Hey...

...can I use your bathroom now?

Please don't exploit our friendship.