01x05 - Six Thousand Bootleg T-Shirts and a Prada Handbag

You ready to do our affirmations?

Do we have to?

It's stupid.

Uh-oh, sounds like someone needs a little gratitude in their attitude.


Man (over stereo): Joy floods my thoughts and my life.

Both: Joy floods my thoughts and my life.

My efforts are being supported by the universe.

My efforts are being supported by the universe.

(car sputtering)

Oh, no, no, no, n... n... no.

No, don't break on me, I'm begging you.


Oh, come on, keep going, you piece of crap!

(engine dies)

I respond peacefully in all situations.

I respond peacefully in all situations.

(sighs) So, uh, I bet you're wondering why I asked you to come over.

I know what I'm hoping for.

I'm not gonna sleep with you.

I just need some help.

Don't worry, I'm not asking for the child support you owe me.


But I really need you to pay me back the money I lent you to buy the van.

Oh, okay.

Well, your timing is good 'cause I'll have that money very soon.

So never.

I am, as we speak, in phase two of a surefire business deal.

Was phase one smoking pot and watching TV?

You know me so well.

Check this out.

A couple weekends ago, I was stoned, watching golf on TV, and I noticed something very interesting.

Every other commercial is for boner pills.

It's like they know old white guys are watching.

Why were you watching golf?

The announcers whisper; I find it very soothing.

Anyway, I took the $3,000 I had buried in your backyard...

There was three grand buried in the backyard?!

Not the important part of the story.

Follow me here.

I wired all the money to a Tijuana pharmacy and bought 10,000 knock-off Viagras.

I'm driving down there in the morning, and on the way back up I'm gonna stop at every golf course I can find and bone up old white guys at ten dollars a pop.


Quick question.

You don't make a habit of burying money in my backyard, do you?

I'm not really sure that's any of your business.

Mom, what are you doing?

Just trying to get our car fixed, honey.

Go back to bed.

Thanks for taking me to the meeting.

Of course.

Just remember, if I meet a cute guy...

I know, I know, I have to find my own way home.

Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while.

You should sew that on a pillow.


Listen, I have to ask you a question.

Ask away unless it's about your father.

No, it's not.

I'd know him if I saw him.


So, what is it?

Okay, well, I hate to do this, and I wouldn't if I wasn't really up against it, but is there any way you could lend me a few grand until the end of the month?

(sighing): Oh, boy.

It's always so awkward when relatives ask for money.


I'm not some second cousin who tracked you down on Facebook.

I'm your daughter.

See, it's already uncomfortable.

Come on, you know I'm good for it.

Do I?


I would help you if I could, but I'm strapped, too.

I'm going paycheck to paycheck.

Okay, thanks.


You know, I do have an idea that might buy you a little time.

Great, what is it?

Why don't I move in with you and the kids and we'll share expenses?


Yeah, that is an idea.

We'd be roomies.


Yeah, roomies.

So, what do you say?

Ooh, it's a tough one.

I say no and I might be broke and homeless, living on the street, scavenging for food like a dog.

I say yes and I'm living with you.


I'm thinking.

Then I thought, "Well, that's crazy, you don't drink anymore."

(sobbing) But I looked up, I was already in the beverage aisle.

Since I had come all the way across the store, it seemed rude not to buy some...

Looks like she's having a tough time.

I imagine that the store clerk might...

She's got Louboutin shoes and a Prada handbag.

She's doing fine.

Do you want a tissue?

Since I've been back...

Thank you.

(blows nose loudly)

Be right back.





Um, Christy.


Ooh, love the purse.




A... are those Louboutins?


Eh, gorgeous.

I had a pair once, but I had to ditch 'em, running away from a car fire.

What a night.

Boy, you drunks are a chatty bunch.

Yeah, well, that's what we do here... share war stories.

Sounds great, but I don't belong here.

I'm not an alcoholic.

That's funny.

That's exactly how I felt my first meeting.

No, you clearly belong here.

What's going on?

Oh, um, I just thought that we could invite...


Regina out for a cup of coffee.

Oh, how nice.

(clenched): Why would we do that?

We're supposed to help each other.

That's just a suggestion, it's not a rule.

Um, Regina, this is my mom Bonnie.


Why do you want to buy me coffee?

See, it's not just me.

I just thought you might need somebody to talk to.

Yeah, well, I don't.

Got it.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Love, love, love the shoes.

(clicks tongue)

Hang on.

I guess there's no harm in a cup of coffee.

Aw, damn it.

You'll have to forgive my mother, and if you do, please tell me how.

(Bonnie laughing)

So there I am, drunk off my ass, driving down the 5 freeway on a stolen lawn mower in the car pool lane topless.

Oh, good times.


I got one for you.

I walked into the kitchen one morning to make my family some breakfast, and I realized, "This isn't my house, that isn't my family.

And what the hell am I doing in Vancouver?"

But the reason I stopped drinking is because I came to the horrifying realization that I was turning into my mother.



Oh, I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings?


Well, you ruined my life, so we're even.

So, Regina, tell us about you.

Oh, I don't have any stories like that.

I had a great childhood, great parents, did well in school.

Hmm, no wonder you were having a nervous breakdown at an AA meeting.


I don't like you.

I'm just going through a tough time right now.

My job is really stressful.

I'm a money manager.

People trust me with millions of dollars.

And on top of that, I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce, so yeah, maybe I like to take the edge off at the end of the day with a couple of bottles of wine, a few shots of tequila... and a fistful of muscle relaxers.

But so what?

Every morning at 6:00 a.m.

I pick myself up off that floor... steal some of my kid's Ritalin... and start the day anew.

So, if you need to save somebody, go save somebody who needs saving.

(voice breaking): Because I don't have a problem.

You heard her, let's go.

This is ridiculous; I should go home.

Yeah, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone tonight.

And this'll be fun... like a slumber party but, you know, for broken people.

What about my car?

It'll be okay.

We'll, we'll get it in the morning.

(sighs) All right, I guess I'll stay.


You two have a great time, I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Home... I sleep better in my own bed.

I know a dozen men who think otherwise.

Come on, you heard her.

She's not very fond of me.

That's what I like about her.

Now stay.

So, where's the guest room?

Right this way.


All right.

Do I have my own bathroom?

I don't have my own bathroom.

It's over there.

Bonnie: Hold on.


Show me the bag.

I don't want to.

Give it to me.

Mom, what are you doing?

Helping. Give.

Thank you.

Ooh, ha.

I do a lot of entertaining.


Sometimes I entertain musicians.

Those are for injuries sustained while entertaining.

Can I pee now?!


What do you got going on with your cleavage?

I'm a full-figured woman.

Yeah, and I want to motorboat you all night long. Now give.

Ah, cocaine.

I miss the '80s.

Oh, please. You were doing it three years ago.

We good?

You're free to urinate.

Not like there's anything else I can do in there now.

What are we gonna do with all this stuff?

I don't know.

I guess just throw it away.


Shouldn't we save it for when I relapse?


Oh, come on. We all know it's comin'.

What is a "Limp Bizkit"?

It's a band.

My ex-husband tried to get rich selling counterfeit rock and roll T-shirts.

If you like it, I've got 6,000 more in the garage.

This'll do.

Well, um, you know where the bathroom is, the kitchen's right there and if you need anything, my mom and I are in that bedroom.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

Regina, I know this is difficult for you, but I just want you to know I think you're doing great.

Really? 'Cause I think I might snap and kill you and your mother in your sleep.

Well, you haven't lost your sense of humor.

I don't have a sense of humor.


Sleeping with one eye open.



(door shuts)

That's my side.

I'm a guest.

I don't care. Move over.

How's the train wreck?


I don't know.

The point is, we're doing a good deed.


Assuming she doesn't melt down and try to kill us in our sleep.

Why would you say that?

I was kidding.


Good night.


Good night.

(sighs) You know, if we were roomies, we could do this every night.


Of course, if I moved in, I'd want to... zhush up the place a little.

What's wrong with it?

Eh, it lacks zhush.

It's zhush-less.

Well, I think it's homey.

Yeah, you also think you can catch a man with sweatpants.

(knocking) Christy?


Come on in.

Sorry to bother you.

Oh, no worries. What's up?

I'm not gonna be able to sleep until I tell somebody what's really going on.


(quietly): I saw a lezbo p0rn movie start just like this.

I kind of got bigger problems than I let on.

Financial problems.

Oh, no shame in that.

My car just broke down, I can't afford to fix it and I have credit card debt like you wouldn't believe.

Really? How much?

Nineteen... thousand... dollars.

(chuckles) You are so cute.

Try $3.5 million.



You know how I told you people trust me with their money?


They shouldn't.

I embezzled from my clients.


What kind of question is that?

What's the better question?


You got to be good at math and have a face people trust.

And the dream dies.

Anyway... the real reason I came here tonight was...

I think the police might be waiting for me at my house.

It's all gonna be okay.

How can you say that?

Oh, not for you. I was... kind of saying it to myself.


I thought I was in trouble, but, listening to you, I realized I have great problems.

I love them! I love my problems!

You done?

Yeah. I'm sorry. Tonight's about you.

I just got excited. Go on.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, whatever it is, you don't have to go through it alone.

Thank you.

Regina, wait.

Come on.

Snuggle in.

Maybe I will.


(quietly): * Bow chicka wow wow *

Mom, why is the couch all ma...

(door shuts)



Regina's gone.


Wake up.


We got to go find her.

Oh, for God's sake.

Haven't we helped enough?


She doesn't have her car. We can still catch her.

All right.

Hey, you suppose there's a reward for her capture?

You'd really turn her in?

Oh, honey, if there was a big enough reward, I'd turn you in.

Do you think that's her?

Do I think that's her?


Hey, Christy.

Where you headed?


Gonna build a whole new life there.

You know, you can be extradited from Canada.

Are you sure?

Oh, I'm positive.

Okay, then.


I'll tell you what, if I stole that kind of money, I'd make damn sure I had a getaway plan that didn't involve a tricycle.

You're right. I should've just whipped out my boobs and grabbed a lawn mower.

Calm down, ladies, you're both gangsters.

Hey, the sun's coming out.

Thank you, Annie.

How about that.

First time I've gone the whole night without a drink in, like, 16, 17 years.

Oh, damn, I am an alcoholic.

Cheer up. There's lots of meetings in prison.

I really don't like you.

That's okay. I like myself enough for the both of us.

You need some money, Christy?

Yeah, why?

I still have some stashed away, and the Feds are just gonna take it.

Let me help you out.



Do it.

Gee, I... I don't know.

Take it.

No, Regina, I don't want your money.

Damn it.

It's technically not my money.

Even still. It's just... it's not what this is about.


You're a good woman, Christy.

Thank you.

And Bonnie?


I think you know where we stand.

I do.

When you go to prison, can I have your purse?

(sighs) Bill, bill, bill.

Oh, crap, I'm gonna have to live with my mother.

Hey, got a minute?

Sure, come on in.

Lot of holes in the backyard.

Yep, I was trying to rob your bank.

No need.

Thank you, Mexican Viagra.


I sold all of it before I got out of San Diego.

This is unbelievable!

And that's just your share.

There's more?!


You know what? Uh...

I don't care. (exhales)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I took one before I came over just in case you want to really thank me.

Sure! What the hell.