01x07 - Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast

[bunniefuu]

(moans softly)

Hello?

Are you awake?

At 2:30 in the morning? You betcha.

I think I'm pregnant.

Oh, God, can I not be awake?

How is that even possible?

What kind of question is that?

I happen to be in the bloom of my life.

Half the men in Napa Valley have been in the bloom of your life.

What?

Nothing.

Did you take a test?

I don't need to. I've got all the signs.

I missed my period, I'm moody, my nipples are incredibly angry.

Trust me, there's fruit in these loins.

No, no, no.

My daughter and my mother cannot be pregnant at the same time.

I don't have the strength.

Please don't make this about you.

Okay, look, maybe we're worrying for no reason.

First thing tomorrow morning, we'll get you a doctor's appointment just to be sure.

Oh, God, why is this happening to me?

Honestly?

Do we need to have the talk again?

I devoted the best years of my life to loving and nurturing a child.

This was supposed to be my time.

Boy, I would love to meet that child.

Look, I gotta go back to sleep.

But what am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

Grab your calendar and see if you can figure out who the father is.

Oh...

(crying loudly)

Are you freakin' kidding me?!

You're a lying son of a bitch!

You shouldn't even be allowed to practice in this country!

Menopause, my ass.

Hate to be her daughter.

Mom 1x07 Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast

(sighs)

What are you doing?

I'm hot.

Get back in the car. You look like a Labradoodle.

Ugh...

I think I just ate a bug.

(gags)

You know, menopause isn't the end of the world.

Easy for you to say.

You can still provide a king with an heir.

Oh, get real.

The only king you've got a sh*t with is the King of Big Screens.

All I am saying is what if I were to meet someone?

Maybe a young guy who wants a family.

You have a family.

That doesn't mean I can't try for a better one.

Want to know what I have to look forward to?

Ah...

Hot flashes, weight gain, decreased sex drive, incontinence.

What kind of man is gonna want a piece of that action?

I'm sure there's a web site for guys who are into fat, sweaty bed-wetters.

Oh, I'm sorry, is this fun for you?

Oh, come on, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

And yes.

Oh, look.

A tester tube of vaginal lubricant.

Why don't they just put a g*n in here?

Instead of focusing on all the cons, why don't we try to make a list of the pros?

Like... no more birth control worries.

Right. If I were worried about birth control, you wouldn't exist.

Okay, pro: no more PMS.

So now when I'm a bitch I'm just a bitch?

All right.

Pro... you're entering the time in your life when you give back to loved ones and community.

Oh, please, now you're just making stuff up.

Oh, God, where did the years go?

You wasted 'em.

I mean... it's gonna be okay.

(sobbing)

No, it's never gonna be okay again.

(sobbing)

Mom. Three o'clock.

Are you okay?

No, not really.

Would a ride cheer you up?

Don't you dare.

I deserve this.

Yeah, I think it would.

All right. Hop on.

I'll call you later.

Stop, you're making a terrible mistake!

Don't worry about me. Worry about him.

I was talking to him!

Hey.

Mom, do you like circumcised men?

Um, can I put my purse down before we have this conversation?

Well, if we have a boy, Luke wants to get the baby snipped.

Not snipped, streamlined.

Tell him it's not necessary.

Oh, God.

Luke, why don't you have this conversation with your own parents?

'Cause his parents don't know I'm pregnant.

Wait, what?

You told me they were thrilled and totally supportive.

Yeah, well... that was sort of a... you know, lie.

Luke, why didn't you tell them?

He's scared of 'em.

No, I'm not scared.

It's just... complicated. They're not cool like you.

My mother's not cool.

Hang on.

Let the boy talk.

I was just waiting for the right time.

Which would be when?

I don't know.

They're old, they could die soon.

Problem solved.

Oh, sweetie, don't wish for that.

Besides, it doesn't work.

If anything, the parent lives longer.

You need to tell your folks and you need to do it immediately. (moans)

Oh, sack up.

Did they snip off all of your penis?

Violet, be nice.

Go ahead. You can do it.

Would you maybe come with me?

This is something you have to do yourself.

Encourage him.

Oh, be a man.

Seriously?

The chef is especially happy with the catch of the day, which is a Copper River salmon, and...

Psst. Need to talk.

Sorry. Uh... the salmon is pan-seared with fingerling potatoes and savoy spinach.

Fingerling...

Uh, the other specials are heritage pork chop, Kobe beef and Maine lobster, which is flown in daily from...

Anyone? Anyone?

(imitates buzzer) Maine.

Okay, uh, I'll be right back.

Mom!

What's going on?

My vag*na is dead.

What the hell are you talking about?

That motorcycle guy.

I took him back to my place, stripped off his clothes, ran my tongue up and down his gorgeous body and felt nothing.

It was like I was licking a rock.

I'm confused.

Did you sleep with him or not?

Not. I mean, I tried, but it was like I-I couldn't get it up.

I'm sorry, I didn't know it was Take Your Mother to Work Day.

Yeah, it comes right after Sleep with Your Married Boss Week.

Carry on.

Well, well.

Who's this beautiful, wounded bird?

Don't waste your time. I'm numb from the neck down.

Hmm.

So the head's still in play?

(frantic knocking, doorbell ringing wildly)

Hold your horses, I'm coming.

Ta-da!

I figured it out.

I'm not giving up.

If I'm gonna go down, I'm gonna go down fighting.

If it stands up to pee, I'm banging it.

Glad to hear it.

Let me introduce you to Luke's parents.

Nathan and Mary, this is my mother, Bonnie.

How do you do?

I just want to thank both of you for coming over so we can discuss the, uh...

Child conceived in sin? (sobbing)

You're right, I am the cool parent.

Luke, did you learn nothing from your father's Bible class?

I'm sorry, what?

Bible class?

Yes.

Nathan is the head pastor at the Baptist Church in Santa Rosa.

(laughing): Oh, that's just hilarious.

(laughing): Right?

I'm so sorry, father.

All right, I just want to say that we've all really come to love your son and I know that my daughter is crazy about him, so I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.

If Violet just gave him a happy ending, we...

Mom!

I'm sorry, I-I'm about a quart low on the estrogen.

Ah.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Look... here's what's going to happen.

All of this nonsense about these two kids getting married after high school is just that, nonsense.

It is not going to happen.

Now, as far as the child is concerned, Luke will provide financial support, if in fact it turns out to be his.

What?

Violet, I got this. What?

We don't know for sure that our son is the only boy your little temptress has been with.

Okay, buddy.

Let's get something clear...

Christy, I got this.

Here's all you need to know about this family.

With every generation, we are getting better.

That's right.

So, I may have been a drunken slut...

She was.

And my daughter may have been a drunken slut...

Hang on a second.

What?

Never mind. Go on.

But my granddaughter, this tender angel, she was pure as the driven snow until she smoked your son's weed, drank his tequila, and then made passionate love with him for about two minutes.

Am I telling it right, honey?

Yeah, sorta.

So don't you take the high road with us, Pastor.

I know your type. I have bedded my share of clergy.

(clicks tongue)

Mary, Luke, let's go.

No, I love Violet and I'm gonna stick by her for as long as she'll have me.

Get in the car.

I'll call you later.

Hey, Pastor?

I just want you to know, we're gonna raise the baby Jewish.

And we're not Jews!

Shalom, bitch!

(knocking)

Um, it-it's open.

How ya doin'?

Okay.

I'm sorry about all that.

I guess you can see why we don't do a lot of entertaining.

There's nothing to be sorry about.

You and Grandma were great today.

You think?

Yeah. For the first time in my life I felt like we were the normal family.

Me, too! It's so weird.

(sighs)

So, are you in touch with Luke?

No.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I know what you're going through.

When I was your age, I had a boyfriend whose parents just hated my guts.

Really?

Yeah.

To be fair, we were on pretty good terms until I got drunk and b*rned their garage down.

They were really judgey about it.

(giggles)

Luke's parents were always really nice to me, I mean, until today.

Well, until today, you were his high school sweetheart.

Now you're his white trash baby mama.

Guess it doesn't matter anyway 'cause I think we should break up.

I'm gonna tell Luke to start dating other people.

Oh, honey, are you sure that's a good idea?

I mean, he is the baby's father, and more importantly, he thinks I'm cool.

Christy! Call 911! I'm having a heart att*ck!

No, you're not.

It might be a stroke! I smell toast!

I'm here if you need me.

Thanks.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Shouldn't you hurry?

False alarm, just gas!

There you go.

A good night's sleep gonna make all the difference.

Thanks.

Am I pretty?

What?

Yes, of course. You're beautiful.

I don't feel beautiful.

I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.

Stop it.

All the stuff you're worrying about is in your head.

It's not really happening.

Are you saying I'm crazy?

No. I mean, not in this context.

Is Violet mad at me?

Quite the contrary, she's actually proud of you.

Really?

Yeah!

She thought you were awesome with Luke's dad.

And get this, she called us the normal family.

Shut up!

Yeah, that's a first.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Okay, let's get some shut-eye.

I'm sure everything will look better in the morning.

I hope so.

I'll tell you one thing I'm not imagining.

I am losing my hair.

Oh, Mom, please, don't be ridiculous.

Your hair is amazing.

Now go to sleep.

Sweet dreams.

Mom.

What?

Something's wrong with Grandma.

You're late to the party, dude.

Mom?

Good morning, loved ones.

See?

You... feeling okay?

Never better.

Come, sit, enjoy.

I've made scrambled eggs, pancakes, bacon, hash browns, toast, oatmeal.

All sprinkled with a healthy dollop of Grandmama's love.

Mom, let go of his cheek.

Oh, sorry, he's just so pinchable and so, mmm, kissable and so, ooh, squeezable.

Help me.

Yeah, yeah-yeah, we all love him.

Come on. Sit down.

Wow, this is really quite a spread.

What brought this on?

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and realized, since I'm clearly no longer a sexual being, I needed to find a new identity.

Okay, I get that.

So... what'd you settle on?

Well, isn't it obvious? I'm the mother.

The-the caregiver. The nurturing crone.

Who's got your nose?!

Put the nose down, Mom.

(knocking)

I'll get it.

I'm scared.

You should be.

Where's my son?

(Southern accent): I haven't the faintest clue.

Are you mocking me?

Well, whatever do you mean, sir?

Mom, please. What's going on?

Luke has disappeared. I assumed he'd be here.

Well, he's not.

Would you mind checking?

Sure.

♪ The only one who could ever teach me ♪
♪ Was the son of a preacher man ♪
♪ Yes, he was, yes, he was ♪
♪ Oh, yes, he was ♪
♪ Being good isn't... ♪

Violet's gone, too.

Luke told me he was going to end the relationship.

She told me the same thing.

It appears they've run off.

You think?

Stop!

I suppose both of us bear some responsibility for this turn of events.

I don't think so.

Those kids were loved and accepted in my house!

You drove them away!

I was trying to keep my son from ruining his life.

Okay, do you see how that's a little offensive when the thing ruining his life is my daughter?!

That's not what I meant.

Could you help me out here?

Sorry, I'm the crazy one.

Look, I'm not thrilled about this pregnancy either, but that doesn't really matter.

All we can do at this point is keep loving them, even though they make it so hard!

All right, perhaps I haven't handled this very well.

Haven't handled it well? You screwed the pooch, Pastor.

The question is, what are we gonna do now?

What do you suggest?

I suggest we come together as adults and help these kids who love each other do whatever the hell it is they're gonna do!

Well, I think that's very wise.

Welcome to the dark side.

Ooh, Virginia's alive!

What kind of idiot changes his Facebook status to single?!

Hey, it was your idea we should start seeing other people!

That was just to trick our parents so we could run away to Vegas and get married!

Well, you should've made that clear!

Well, I shouldn't have to!

So, as you may have heard, change of plans.

This is nice, all of us having dinner together.

It is nice.

Mm-hmm.

(text alert sounds)

Do you need to answer that?

No, it's just a text from Luke.

So, what's going on with you two?

He wants us to get back together.

(text alert sounds) And he loves me.

(text alert) A lot.

Shouldn't you text him back?

No, not yet.

Let him sweat for awhile.

Speaking of which, guess who stopped sweating?

The estrogen patch is helping?

I am happy to report that I'm dry in all the right places now.

Good.

And conversely...

Got it.

How about the mood swings?

Much improved, thanks to hormone therapy.

Ugh, I don't really like these vegetables.

No problem.

(plate shatters)

We're still working on the dosage.

(text alert sounds)