01x08 - Big Sur and Strawberry Lube

I guess my favorite childhood memory would be the year my Mom and I lived in Mexico.

Really? You lived there?

Well, not on purpose. It was more of a... border crossing situation.

Did you lose your passport?

No, we had plenty of passports.

Our luggage was the problem. Anyway, eventually, we made it back into the States. At night.

In a row boat.

Wow.

Yeah. Wow.Heck of a way to spend your fifth birthday.

Also the night I learned to swim.

Anyway, what's your favorite childhood memory?

Um...

Oh, you know what? Got to meet Bo Jackson. I didn't... didn't really meet him. Uh, my Dad and I were invited to stand on the sidelines at a raider game. And Bo got chased out of bounds and ran right into me. Broke my collarbone.

Nice.

I like to call it "a football injury"

Don't you like your dinner?

Oh, yeah, it's fine.

I'm not much of an eater.

Ah. So, listen, um... my college roommate is getting married next month in Big Sur. And...

I was thinking maybe you'd like to go with me.

Really?

Yeah.

So, like... Kind of a... overnight sort of deal?

Yeah, yeah. It would be a weekend.

At a hotel.

I know we're trying to take this slow, but, um... I don't think I can get them to postpone the wedding and I'd really like to go with you.

No, no, no.

It sounds nice. Kind of a... romantic getaway.

Uh... so is that a yes?

Yeah, sure. I'd love to.

Great.

You going to eat that salmon?

Thanks.

1x08 - Big Sur and Strawberry Lube

Thanks for dinner.

Oh, you're welcome.

So, I'm going to RSVP for the wedding. Adam Henchy, plus One-derful.

I bet you regret that.

The second it came out of my mouth.

So, any food allergies I should let them know about?

Uh, just penicillin and vodka.

Thank you for being so patient with me.

Oh, don't be silly.

I'm glad we didn't jump into bed right away, he lied.

One month.

Right.

Wait, I should say that to him. One month.

Yippee!

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, damn, my pen1s just said "yippee."

Roscoe do his homework?

Yep. How was your date?

You really have to ask? It's 20 after 9:00.

It was very nice.

In fact... Adam asked me to go to a wedding with him next month in Big Sur.

Would you like me to get you a spoon?

No, I just wanted a taste.

I can't believe you haven't slept with this guy yet.

Mom, please, not in front of Violet.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I offend the delicate sensibilities of my pregnant granddaughter?

I'm good.

Well, if you must know...

We must.

I'm sticking to the plan.

I'm not going to have s*x with him until we know each other really well. Until we have a foundation of trust and respect to build on.

[Blows raspberry] You're such a girl.

I'm a lady. Kiss my ass.

[classic music]

Hey, look who's eating here on his day off.

Christy. I, uh...

I thought this was Richard's table.

Richard called in sick.

And his name is David. I'll be your server.

Oh... isn't that great.

Sorry, I'm late.

The new masseuse at the club has no idea what she's doing.

Christy, you remember my wife.

Of course.

Hello, Claudia.

It's "Clowdia."

Right, sorry. My mouth doesn't like to make that shape.

"Clowdia." It's a lot of work.

Um, okay, well, I will give you a minute with the menus.

Clowdia...

A penny for your thoughts?

A thousand dollars for your tushy.

What?

Twelve hundred.

You really need to go to the sexual harassment workshop.

If I go, will you sleep with me?

I am so sorry.

Not as sorry as I am.

If it'll help, I'll move us to another table.

Oh, no, no... you are going to stay right where you are.

And I am going to serve dinner to your wife and you are gonna tip me 40 percent.

That sounds fair.

And a month from now you are going to give me the weekend off so I can go away with my new boyfriend.

You're seeing someone? Is it serious?

You're married! Is it serious?!

Sorry. FYI, we don't have any water or bread yet.

Take your time.

[music]

[Woman crying]

Uh, hello? You okay in there?

[Whimpering] No.

Well...

You gonna be long? 'Cause I'm fighting a losing battle here.

Hold on. [Toilet flushes]

Oh. Claudia.

Clowdia.

I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, thank you.

Can I tell you a secret?

That you drink $800 bottles of wine on the toilet?

My husband's cheating on me.

Wow.

That is a secret. [Crying] Here.

And the worst part is, he's just doing it to get back at me.

What'd you do?

Oh, I slept with his step-father.

You're kidding.

Once... I was drunk, he was tall.

Drunk and tall, I've made that mistake.

I just can't for the life of me understand what kind of loser would allow herself to be violated by my husband.

Probably some dumb whore.

Right?

The important thing is... as long as you love your husband, you can still make your marriage work.

You're really sweet, Christy.

Thank you.

Don't forget to wash your hands before you touch my food.

Son of a bitch!

[music]

I just have to say, ever since I stopped drinking, I look better, I have more energy, I sleep better, I've lost weight, I'm making more money and best of all, I have this wonderful, deep sense that every day is a miracle and I am a blessed child of god.

Anybody buying this crap?

Anybody? All right, you're up.

Thank you, Bonnie. Hi, I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Christy.

Um, I just want to say that it's really nice being at a women's meeting where I can talk about what's going on in my life without feeling judged. Or hit on.

I mean, for the most part.

Anyway, I'm six months sober. Feeling pretty good in general.

Still struggling with the whole relationship thing.

Um, I've been dating this really great guy. And... you know, taking my sponsor's advice... going slow, not jumping into bed with him right away.

But the problem is, the longer I don't sleep with him, the more nervous I am about sleeping with him. And I just agreed to go away with him for the weekend, [muffled] and I know we're going to do it and I'm kind of freaking out because I don't think I've ever had s*x with anybody I care about without being at least partially drunk and/or high.

And I might be using food as a substitute.

[music]

How about this for the wedding?

Nah. Doesn't fit.

I don't know what happened.

I have a clue.

All right, let's forget about the event ensemble for a moment and talk about the event ensemble.

What about it?

What's the plan? You going to wear some lingerie or just throw your dress up over your head and say, "have at it?"

I don't know, Mom. It's a nice hotel, I just thought I'd throw on one of their robes.

Seriously? You make the guy wait three months to open the present and you're going wrap it in terry cloth? He's gonna feel like he's doing it with a hand towel.

Okay. Here. Teddy, nightie, thong, thong, thong. Happy?

Forgive me for trying to help.

Sorry, I'm just... a little freaked out about this trip.

Oh, sweetie, listen. If this is too much for you, remember... it's not too late to call him, cancel, break his heart and die alone.

I do enjoy our talks, Mother.

Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a little something.

Strawberry lube?

Sorry, they were out of ham flavored.

Thanks.

Do not eat it in the car.

Thanks for taking care of Roscoe for the weekend.

No problem. We're going to have a lot of fun.

Come here, give me a hug.

Be a good boy.

I will.

Listen to your dad. Unless it's against your better judgment.

Okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Go wait in the car, I'll be right out. Thanks for letting me have this time with him.

Oh, happy to do it. Just don't feed him A lot of crap.

I won't.

No scary movies.

Of course not.

I don't want him around your friends.

Got it.

Okay, have fun.

How?!

Anything happens to Roscoe, I'm going to hunt you down and kill you.

Could have just said "bye."


Oh, hey. You must be "Big Sur."

Uh, yeah, I guess.

All right. Up top.

We're tunnel buddies.

"Tunnel buddies"?

Yeah, I'm Christy's ex. Makes us... tunnel buddies.

Oh. Oh. No, I see. Actually, we're not "buddies" just yet. She and I are taking it slow.

Wow. Really? I hit that the first night.

Well, it was so nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Oh, Big Sur... when it does happen, you're going to love it.

Love. It.

[Knocking]

Christy: Could somebody get the door?

Bonnie: Hang on!

Hello.

Oh, look at you.

Like a puppy. Come on in. Come on.

I'm Bonnie, Christy's mom.

Oh, pleasure to meet you.

Adam Henchy.

I know. Christy, he's here, he's adorable, I can't believe you waited.

I'm almost done packing I'll be right there.

Oh, no hurry.

You're talking to my mother... Believe me there's a hurry.

Let me introduce you to the rest of the family.

Yes.

This is Christy's daughter, Violet.

Violet, yes. Finally.

I've heard so much about you.

Hey.

Don't take it personal. She's not very nice.

And this is her boyfriend, Luke.

Hi.

Oh, good luck This weekend. I am pulling for you.

Don't stand too close, he'll impregnate you. So, Adam, big trip, huh?

Uh, yeah. My college roommate's getting married.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

I don't want to talk about what you want to talk about.

She's going to tell me everything when she gets back anyway.

Christy, help!

Whatever she said, I'm sorry.

It was nice to meet you.

Just keep walking.

Okay.

Ladies first.

[music]

You bring your bathing suit?

Huh? What? No.

Oh, damn, I'm nervous.

About what?

Really? You're going to make me say it?

No. I'm just as nervous.

Well, I find that if you talk about your fears, you take away their power.

Yeah, I find that, too.

All right, well, then, let's just put everything on the table, yeah? We've been seeing each other for three months, and sometime tonight, we are going to have s*x for the very first time.

Woo! There. I said it.

I feel better. How about you?

Oh, yeah.

[music]

Beautiful wedding, huh?

Yeah.

You know, they met on a dating website.

No kidding.

Yep. First date, they fell into bed with each other and they've been all over each other ever since.

That explains why she grabbed his ass at the altar.

Right.

So, what do you feel like doing?

Really? You're going to make me say it?

I'll be right back.

Okay.

My friends really liked you.

I liked them, too.

Yeah? Uh, what'd you think of the band?

They were okay.

Where'd you learn To dance like that?

Oh, believe it or not... boy scout camp.

Really?

That's right, yeah. One of my scout leaders Used to dance on broadway. He taught us guys everything.

The waltz, the salsa, the tango.

Some of the parents actually got really upset.

Kind of like footloose.

How you-how you doing in there?

Almost.

Oh, you know.

I think there's a full moon tonight. [Shrieks]

Christy!

Oh. Hey.

What are you doing?

Um... I'm running away.

Why?

I'm just not ready to have s*x with you.

Get in here.

Are you out of your mind?

Uh, maybe. Yeah.

Why didn't you just say something?

Oh, I thought it'd be easier to just... crawl through the bathroom window, shimmy down a drainpipe and take a bus home.

You thought that'd be easier?

Oh, come on, don't make me defend it.

All right, fine. Just tell me the truth.

Is the problem me? Is it that you just don't want to be with me?

No, you're terrific. The problem is me. I'm just too scared.

Oh, Christy. Come here. There's nothing to be scared of.

Yeah, there is.

Name three things.

Number one... you see me naked and there's a couple of tattoos that will need explaining. Number two...

Should we start out simple, guy on top, or do we go straight for Cirque du Soleil? Number three... sounds. Should they be real, or should they be, "ooh, baby, ooh, baby"? Number four...

Oh-oh, that's fine. Just wanted three.

No, no, no, no.

I'm just getting started. Ooh, here's a good one... what if you can't do it?

Who ends up crying in the shower, me or you?

Probably me.

I'm telling you, we're doomed.

Wow.

I've disappointed a few women in my life, but this is my first Doomsday scenario.

Listen.

The reason I'm not ready to have s*x with you is because I'm still figuring out who I am, and until I do...

I don't think I can be in a relationship.

So, what does that mean?

It means we take a break. [Sighs]

So, what, we'll just be, like, friends?

Yeah. Friends.

Oh, god. How do I always wind up being friends with hot chicks? Unbelievable.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

[Breathes deeply] All right, friend. What do you say, you hungry? Want to get some room service?

No, actually, I'm not hungry at all.

Yeah, well, I'm starving.

Hi, could you connect me with room service, please?

Oh, Adam, don't use food to cover up your feelings.

Shut up.

[music]

[Knocking]

Hello, Christy.

Oh, hi. What a surprise.

We need to talk.

We do?

Yes, we do. May I come in?

Yeah, sure.

Bonnie: I was wrong. I'd like to have s*x in a hotel bathrobe.

Mom, this is "Clowdia." Gabriel's wife.

Oh, well. Isn't it, uh, nice to meet you.

Hello.

Got your back.

So... what's up?

I confronted Gabriel about the affair.

Really? What did he say?

He denied it. He said it was all in my imagination because I have a drinking problem.

And... do you believe him?

I do, I'm a mess.

Yes, you are!

Can you help me?

Yes, I can!

Wait, why me?

Gabriel said you're a huge alcoholic and it wrecked your life.

He's right again!

Bring it on in, sloppy.

O.M.G.! Yeah!

Bonnie: Aw, I wanted to hit her.