01x10 - Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges

Mm, 9:30.

(Gasps) 9:30!

Roscoe! Violet!

Oh... Oh... We're late!

Come on! Hey, guys, wake up!

Wake up! We're late!

Come on! Roscoe! Violet!

Let's go!

Move, move, move!

(Christy panting)

Can I get a little help here?

I already drove Roscoe to school.

Croissant?

Oh, I don't have time for a croissant.

God, Mom!

What are you thinking... Wait, what?

I took him to school so you could sleep in.

Oh. Did he eat?

Yep, made him oatmeal.

He doesn't like oatmeal.

He likes mine.

All right.

What about his homework? Did you check that he did it?

'Cause he'll lie right to your face.

Big smile, "Cross my heart, hope to die."

It's creepy.

I checked his homework. And don't worry, I've already made inquiries about a tutor.

By the way, I took your car...

Oh, Mom, I barely have enough gas in there to get to work.

That's why I took it.

I filled it up, got it washed, the oil light was on...

(Sighs) It's always on.

Actually, it goes off when you put oil in it.

Now, sit down. I got you a latte at Starbucks.

Double shot, non-fat?

Yep.

(Sighs) Thanks.

Oh, damn! Violet had a doctor's appointment this morning.

I know. I made sure Luke got her there on time.

She's gained three pounds.

The baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.

Okay. Good.

(Clears throat)

So let me understand this.

You got up at, like, dawn, washed, dressed and fed Roscoe, took him to school, serviced my car, made sure my daughter got to the obstetrician, and even managed to get me a latte and a croissant?

It's the least I could do to pay back your generosity.

Enjoy.

I'm gonna get started on the laundry.

Mmm...

(Sighs)

Why is this pissing me off?

It's so weird.

Everything in my life right now is fine.

I mean, it's better than fine. It's, like, good.

My kids are happy, work is okay, my mom moved in, which you'd think would be a formula for disaster, but it's actually terrific.

(Sighs)

The only problem I can point to is... it's so damn boring.

(Christy groans)

I mean, before I got sober, life was a freakin' thrill ride!

Oh...

You never knew what kind of cool stuff was gonna happen.

Twice I drove a car into a swimming pool.

Twice!

Do you know that without manual windows I'd be dead?

Twice?

And stomach pumps. Remember those? (Laughs)

And that charcoal crap, you know, they made you drink?

Ugh...

One time I asked the paramedic if he had diet charcoal crap.

Got a big laugh. And then I threw up on him.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

I thought that maybe if I talked about it out loud, you'd be less likely to see me on the 6:00 news.

Oh, boy. Those were the days.

Shoot! Come on, shoot!

Rejected!

Hi.

Hey.

What brought this on?

Oh, Roscoe wanted to shoot some hoops.

He sucks, by the way.

I know.

Where'd this thing come from?

The people across the street were throwing it away.

Oh, that makes sense.

Their son's pretty fabulous.

Roscoe: Grandma, try to stop me!

Excuse me.

Nope!

It's more fetch than basketball, really.

Hey.

Hey.

Do we have a Bible?

Uh, we have a hollowed out Bible.

Why is it hollow?

I misspoke, we don't have a Bible.

Why do you want one?

Luke's father thought reading it might be good for my soul.

Well, you tell Luke's father that your mother said that your soul could kick his soul's ass!

Never mind.

I'll just get one at the library.

Well, you know, I do mind.

Luke's dad is forcing his religion on you, which is completely unacceptable.

Why?

'Cause... that's my job.

But you didn't do it. We don't have a religion.

Sure we do!

We're just keeping it on the down-low.

Okay, what is it?

It's... be nice to people, do unto others, you know, within reason.

That's it?

Where do we stand on heaven and hell?

Heaven good, hell bad. What else you got?

What's going on?

Luke's minister father wants Violet to read the Bible.

So?

So... I'm telling her not to.

Why?

What do you mean, why?

I don't like people telling her what to do.

Well, aren't you telling her what to do?

Shouldn't you be outside humiliating your grandson?

I just think you should let Violet make her own decision.

Why are you taking her side?

You didn't raise me with any kind of religion.

And look how you turned out.

(Hisses)

(Knocking at door)

Hey, Christy here?

She's taking a bath. What can I do for you?

It's okay, I can wait.

Fine.

(Knocking at door)

Here's the thing.

I am currently... how shall we say... sans résidence?

Homeless? Uh-huh.

I'm not homeless. I got a van.

Is your registration up to date?

No.

You're homeless.

Whatever.

I was hoping I could park her in the driveway.

You know, tap the power, use the facilities for a few days.

Let me think about it... No.

Aren't you gonna run it past Christy?

What do you want me to say to her?

Her deadbeat ex-husband wants to park his van in her driveway, and his ass on her toilet?

Well, I wouldn't present it like that.

Oh. What's going on?

I was just explaining to Baxter that he can't live here.

Not here. There.

But with bathroom privileges.

I told him your life was far too complicated to have to deal with his drama.

Thanks, Mom. You can stay.

Thank you, Christy.

Bonnie? Pick one.

Why would you let that loser live in your driveway?

I'd offer him the couch, but then you'd be homeless.

(Alarm beeping)

Oh...

(Beeping stops)

Oh, God, I hate being a good mother.

(Grunts)

Let's go, Mom's making breakfast!

"Dear Daughter, I hope you slept well.

"I thought you might like to have a quiet Sunday morning so I took Roscoe out for pancakes."

Really pissing me off.

(Knocking at door)

I got it.

Ready to go?

Yep.

I'll see you later.

Wait. What are you all dressed up for?

We're going to Luke's father's church.

Not my idea.

You mind driving? I want to get high.

I don't... I don't understand.

It's your idea to go to church?

Yeah, I'm curious.

Oh, come on.

I didn't raise you to be curious.

Relax, Mom. I'm not joining some crazy cult.

Oh, well...

(Sighs)

No one is calling it a cult.

I am just worried that...

Mom.

I know you're concerned, I know you love me, everything's gonna be fine.

(Whispering): Let's go.

So pissed!


Baxter: Hang on, I'm not decent!

Oh, hey!

I was, uh, I was gonna make some coffee.

Do you want some?

No need, I just made a fresh pot.

Entrez-vous.

You have a coffeemaker?

I got everything.

Want a Belgian waffle?

That's okay.

Oh... (Laughs) Look.

It's the beanbag chair from our old apartment.

Yep.

Also got the chandelier.

Ah.

That'll boost the Blue Book value.

The only sweetener I have is stevia.

Black is fine.

Saw your mom this morning.

She's around a lot now, huh?

Yeah, she's living with us.

Since when?

Since she lost her apartment.

Wow. So you're, like, running a homeless shelter.

Yeah.

You two getting along better?

Actually, we are, you know.

She's been great to have around.

The kids love her.

I got no complaints.

Good for you.

Yep.

We're cruising along.

Not a cloud in the sky.

Well, I just want you to know that I'm real appreciative of your help and I am not here to complicate your life.

Thank you.

Somehow, I don't know why, my ex-husband thinks we're getting back together again.

I mean, yeah, I slept with him... in his van... that he lives in... in my driveway.

But still, let's not go crazy.

I divorced him for a reason.

(Sighs) Anyway, the last few days, I've had to park around the block, and sneak into my house through the back door so I won't have to look into his sad puppy dog eyes.

"Are we doing it tonight, Christy? Are we?

Are we?"

Ugh!

I guess that's it.

Thanks for letting me share.

Anybody want to go out for coffee after the meeting, let me know.

I don't want to drive home till he's asleep.

Wait, did I sneak into the wrong house?

(Door opens)

Oh, hey! What do you think?

I think you pimped my house.

What happened here?

I brought some of my stuff from storage.

Thought I'd zhush the place up.

Ah. Without discussing it with me?

Well, I wanted to surprise you.

Okay, I'm surprised.

Where's my stuff?

Don't worry about it.

Now come, sit on this couch and tell me it's not better than what you had before.

I don't care if it's better. I want my furniture back!

Well, you're not even gonna try it?

Mom, that's not the point.

You can't just... Oh, this is way better.

Told ya. Now look. Look at the kitchen table.

It's got leaves. We can widen it for when we have dinner parties.

Since when do we have dinner parties?

Next Sunday. I invited some people.

You'll love them.

I don't wanna love them! I want your stuff out of here, and I want my stuff back right now!

Okay, okay, you don't have to get upset.

You feed my children, you take them to school, you play with them!

And then you bring in zhushy furniture, and you don't think I'm gonna have a problem with that?

What is all the yelling about?

Your damn grandmother's out of control!

Leviticus, 20:9.

"For anyone that curses his mother shall surely be put to death."

See what you did?

Baxter: Uno momento. (Clattering)

What's going on?

I've lost my house.

Been there.

Come on in.

Thanks.

Just making some hot cocoa. Want some?

You have cocoa?

You don't?

No.

So I was thinking, maybe when you get a night off, I can take you out.

Like a date?

Why not? Just 'cause I'm homeless and unemployed doesn't mean I can't take a pretty girl out to dinner.

It actually kind of does.

Besides, I'm not sure it's a good idea for us to date.

Really?

I thought the other night when you and I...

I know, I know, and... I'm very sorry.

I shouldn't have done it.

It's just, things have been going so well lately.

So, what, you mess it up by sleeping with me?

That's always wrecked my life in the past.

So how's your life going now?

It's going great.

Well, what are we going to do about that?

Oh, no.

Oh, come on.

Bonnie: ♪ Who is it? ♪

(Door opens)

Hey.

Thanks for taking Roscoe to school.

No problem.

Did he ask about me and his father?

He did.

What'd you tell him?

I told him, even though Mommy and Daddy are divorced, they still enjoy hot monkey s*x.

Mom.

What? Kids love monkeys.

Mom.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I told him that you and Baxter were camping.

He bought that?

He's adorable, but let's face it, we're looking at trade school.

(Sighs)

What about Violet?

Community college.

No, I mean...

I know, I know, she's fine, she just thinks her mother's a godless fornicator.

I'm not godless.

You know, I'm starting to think that I may have some kind of a...

...personality disorder.

Oh, good, you know.

I just think, I've lived with chaos for so long, I don't know how to live without it.

Oh, I get that.

Anyway, I'm sorry for giving you a hard time.

I know you're just trying to help.

Well, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna keep trying.

And I'm gonna try to be more like you.

No.

Yes, you've really turned your life around.

No.

Yes.

Don't think I haven't noticed.

Oh, thank you, baby.

No, thank you.

(Siren wails)

Oh, no, I wonder what Baxter's done now.

(Door slams open)

Morning.

Baxter: Coming. (Clattering)

(Sighs)

Hey, neighbor, what's up?

(Sighs) You won't believe it.

I just spent the whole day trying to post bail for my mom.

Oh, man, sorry.

Yeah, it's a freak show.

I could really use a little cocoa.

Um...

Woman: Baxter, who is that?

Just a second.

Can you come back around 10:00?

You've got a woman in there?

You said we weren't dating!

I want you out of my driveway now!

Ooh, is somebody jealous?

Oh.

Now.

Okay, okay.

We have to leave.

Oh, come on!