01x11 - Cotton Candy and Blended Fish

Is it just me, or is Dolores a little too old to be wearing a skirt that short to a meeting?


When you're 70, you should not shop at Forever 21.


And I don't think she was wearing underwear.

Oh, I was sitting across from her.

She wasn't.

It looked like cotton candy down there.

Oh, God, somebody should tell her.

Yeah? How'd that go? "Dolores, honey, lower the skirt or trim the witch broom."

That's good.

Or, you know, just go right at it.

"Cross your legs, granny, I can see your yammy."


Granny? Yammy?



I'm a little preoccupied.

Is everything okay?

Oh, sure.

Other than, you know, having cancer.


Oh, you're not laughing.

What kind?


But we caught it early, so there's a good chance I'll be okay.

Well, that's great news.

Yeah, that's great.




Don't you dare treat me differently.


Of course not. No.


Remind me on the way home I gotta pick up some brownie makings for Roscoe's bake sale tomorrow.

You're actually gonna start baking at 11:00 at night?

I know, it's a nightmare.

Not like what you're going through.

Oh. Here you go.

What are you doing?

What? She told us not to treat her any differently.

Oh, it's awful about Marjorie, huh?


I mean, she doesn't look sick.


She did order soup.

That is the official food of sick people.

Or maybe she's making it up.

Who makes up cancer?

I did once.

You know, I... I didn't want to hurt a guy's feelings.

Then I ran into him five years later at a Costco.

Tried to tell him it was a miracle.

Who'd have thought that would backfire?

I know, I never go to Costco.

I just never know what to do in these situations.

Do you think she noticed I didn't give her a hug?

Yeah, what was that all about?

I panicked halfway in.

I didn't want to... smoosh the cancer.

Well, the fist bump was an odd choice.



It really puts our problems in perspective.


Everything seems small by comparison.


We need to be more grateful.


(honks horn)

Green means go, stupid!

Starting now.


Oh. Hi.

I was just checking myself in the bathroom.

How'd you do?

I think I'm okay.

I, uh... I got a couple of freckles I'm gonna keep an eye on.


I'm good.

Just made myself a little horny.

Violet: Damn it, damn it, damn it!

What's that about?

She's 17 and pregnant.

I'm surprised she doesn't do that all day.


(knocking at door)


Oh, come on! Lock the door!

Oh, no, no. No.

I'm trying to put 'em on, not take 'em off.


None of my stupid pants fit.

Come on, put some muscle into it!

Aren't we squishing the baby?

The baby's fine.

Button my damn pants!


Violet, you're pregnant.

You had to know this was coming.

I did, but I still want to look hot.

You were hot, that's why you're pregnant.

It's true.


Well, it's not fair.

Not fair? (laughs)

Oh, I've got news for you, this is just the beginning.

A couple of months from now, you're gonna be packin' on another 30 pounds, you'll have stretch marks, your boobs'll be enormous, and there's hemorrhoids...

What's that about the boobs?

Shut up.

And you know what?

None of that stuff matters, because you're healthy.

And healthy is everything.

It's the most important thing in the world.

Yeah, I get it, but...

But nothing!

Now take those stupid jeans off, put on some sweatpants and pray for a C-section 'cause that bundle of joy's gonna do some damage on its way out.


(knocking at door)


Ooh, God.

Oh, my God.


I'm sorry to come by so early, but I made brownies for Christy for her son's bake sale.



They're labed.

Okay, these are regular brownies, and these have no sugar, no dairy and no gluten.

I call them "frownies."


What's going on?

Uh, Marjorie made brownies for Roscoe's bake sale.

Oh, thank God, I completely forgot.

Marjorie, you saved my life.

I mean...

How's it going?

Pretty good.

Have a nice day.

Wait, um... do you want to come in for coffee?

I can't. I got a cab waiting to take me across town for my chemo.

Well, hang on, just give me a second and I'll get dressed and I'll take you.

Oh, I don't want to put you out.

No, it's not a problem.

My daughter'll take Roscoe to school.

Mom, you want to come with us?

To chemo?

You betcha.

Okay. Thank you.

I'll let the cab go.


Do you believe her?


She is in a fight for her life and she still finds the time to bake brownies for my kid's school.

Yeah, the woman is a saint.

(sighs) Thanks for going with us.

Well, what choice did I have?

She survives this, I don't need her telling people what a bitch I am.

Oh, good news.

This cancer clinic got four and a half stars on Yelp.

That's... great.

Think about it.

You gotta be alive to write the review.

Ooh, check it out.

Angelina Jolie's new boobs.

Life gave her lemons, she turned them into grapefruits.

Speaking of which, have, uh, you thought about new ones?


(laughing): No.

I'm doing chemo and radiation to try and hang on to these.

Or... you could go under the knife and wake up with a perky new rack.

My rack is fine.

Oh, please.

You could tuck those puppies into your belt.

Mom, can you please talk about something else?


What's your plan for the baldness?

You know, they said that might not happen.

Oh, it's happening.

You're gonna look like a thumb in a housecoat.

Why is she here?

She's trying to help.

Oh. Did not get that.

Look, I say we start shopping for wigs today.

I don't think so.

You sure?

Curly blonde hair and some gummy bear double "D"s, you might even get laid. By a man.

Mom, ease up.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.


What are gummy bear breasts?

The latest in implants.

Like a memory foam mattress with nipples.

Hi, Marjorie.

Ready to start your treatment?

Yes, we are.

I'm ready, too.

Come on.

I'm her best friend.

So am I.

What do I need new boobs for?

I have you two.

Mommy's home.

Oh, my God.

I thought the cancer clinic was depressing.

Marjorie, how many cats do you own?

Oh, you don't own cats.

You love them.


How many cats do you love?

Well, let's see.

That's Carlos Santana, and that's Grace Slick, and that's Boz Scaggs and Steve Miller, and these three are the Tower of Power horn section.

This fat little troublemaker... (meows) is Jerry Garcia.

So... eight.

(cat meows)

Oh, Marjorie, when did you lose your way?

I need to make them lunch.

No, no, no. You rest.

We'll take care of it.

(cat meows)


Where do you keep the cat food?

I don't feed them cat food.

Of course not.

What do you feed them?

Well, there's a freshwater trout in the fridge.

You put that in the blender, pulse until creamy, and then add rice and veggies.

Don't look at me.

I'm not making a sushi smoothie.

Fine, I'll do it.


Oh, are you allergic to cats?

A little.

Since when?

Since birth, Mom.

With all these cats, you're wise not to have nice furniture.

(whispering): I'm sorry.

Hey, Christy, look.

I'm Dolores.


(nasally): Chamomile with honey.

Thank you.

Did you, uh, make some tea for me?

Did I ever get a birthday party?

(sneezes) Uh!

So, listen, I was thinking that we could call a couple of the girls from the meeting and have them take turns helping you out.

You know, shopping, driving you to treatment... blending fish.

I don't want anyone else to know.

Why not?

Go away.

Because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me because I'm sick.

Oh, Marjorie, no one's gonna feel sorry for you 'cause you're sick.

Yeah, they'll be sorry for you 'cause you're a crazy ol' cat lady.

And if you're so concerned about your privacy, why'd you tell us?

Oh! Oh!

Oh, please, scoot.

Because you're my closest friends.

Oh, that's even sadder.

Well, what about your son?

Does he know?

I haven't talked to him in a long time.

Maybe we could call him and...

No, leave him alone.

But I just think that...

I said no!

He has his life, I have mine.

All right, fine.

I gotta get to work.

(sniffles, sighs)

How do I look?

Like death warmed over.

No offense.

Well, I will leave you in the capable hands of my...

I'll just leave you.


I don't suppose you wanna make some tea for me.


(clears throat)


Cat dander.

Mm. Is that what the kids are calling it now?

Why is the Japanese family at table six wearing surgical masks?

Because they're paranoid.

Are you sick?

Uh! No, I've got allergies.

Well, either way, you don't look too good.

Maybe you should go home.

Maybe I should, Gabriel.

Maybe we should all go home and be with our loved ones 'cause death is coming!

It's coming for you and you and you and you!

She seemed a lot less crazy when I was sleeping with her.

They all do.

(door opens)



How was work?

People paid me to stay away from them.

How's Marjorie?

She's doing okay.

I just put her to bed.

You stayed with her the whole day?

Yep. I made her dinner, did the laundry, panned for cat nuggets in the kitty litter. (clicks tongue)


Look at you being all caring and compassionate without rolling on ecstasy.

I know. I'm as surprised as you are.

I just, I can't help feeling the woman's getting a raw deal.

I mean, she's been sober for 32 years, she's always there for anybody who needs her.

And what's her reward?


I know.

You start thinking, "What's the point?"

It beats me.

The unconditional love of family?

Ugh. Maybe.

It's a compelling argument for staying loaded till you die.

Marjorie gave me that same look.

Oh, God!

Can I help you?

Hi. I... I'm looking for a Jerry Armstrong.

That's me.

Oh, okay, great.

I'm Christy. I'm a friend of your mother's.

Not interested.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Um, I just want you to know that she's going through a tough time.

She's got cancer.

Okay, now I know.

Have a nice day.

Oh come on. She's your mother.

Let me guess.

You're one of her little Anonymous friends.


Yeah. 12 simple steps that let you off the hook for ruining everyone's life.

Well, there's more to it than that.

There's also coffee and cookies.

Look, uh... let me tell ya something, Christy.

My mother was a drunk and a drug addict who abandoned me more times than I can count.

So you'll have to excuse me if I'm rooting for the cancer.


That's a Mother's Day card you don't see.

Listen, Jerry, I understand how you feel.

I had the same kind of mom.

But she's changed, and I've changed.

I've changed more.

I'm actually a much better person than she is.

Well, uh, thanks for sharing.

Are we done?

You just need to know that your mom is not like you remember.

She's a warm and loving woman who has helped a lot of people, including me.

And a bunch of cats.

Which you two seem to have in common.



I saw that ending in a hug.

The trick to forging a signature is turning the original upside down when you copy it.

How'd you learn that?

'Cause sometimes grandmas have to write checks they're not supposed to.

Sorry I'm late.

Where were you?

Doesn't matter.

Look, this is gonna sound weird, but I just want you guys to know that I love you and I am so happy we're all together.

Are you drinking again?

Violet, you can't ask that every time I say I love you.

(sighs) Here, I stopped to get you some new jeans.


Yeah, look.

They're cute and they've got a stretchy waist.


You're welcome.

I'm sorry I was a little rough on you the other day.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

I want you to visit me when I'm dying.



Now, uh, what's going on over here?

Tell her.

I flunked my math test.

Oh, Roscoe, you gotta apply yourself!

Otherwise, you're gonna... !


Okay, let me start over.

You are a very smart young man, and I know that you will do better next time.

I doubt it.

Do you need me to sign it?

That's okay.

Grandma's teaching me to forge your signature.


I don't think he can fool a bank, but he can sure fool a teacher.

Thanks for getting all dolled up for my chemo.

Oh, this? Just threw it on.

Oh, please, you're trying to bag that cute doctor.

Say again. I couldn't hear you over your boobs.

Regardless, I'm really glad you're both here.

He's gay.

(text alert sounds)

Oh, my God.


I just got a text from my son.

He wants to see me.

That's great.