01x13 - Hot Soup and Shingles

[heavy rain]

[grunts]

Whoa.

Ow. Damn it.

[groans]

[screams]

Ah...

Help! Mom!

Anybody?!

♪ Jump, jump ♪
♪ Kris Kross will make you ♪
♪ Jump, jump ♪
♪ Don't try to compare us to another bad little fad ♪
♪ I'm the Mac and I'm bad ♪

♪ Give you something that you never had ♪

You dance like a white guy.

♪ And shake your rump ♪

I am a white guy.

♪ That makes you wanna jump ♪
♪ How high? Real high cause... ♪

Hey! Hey!

Man down!

♪ Jump! How high? Real high ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm just so fly ♪
♪ A young lovable, huggable type of guy ♪

This is how Grandma made money in the '80s.

♪ 'Cause inside-out is wiggity wiggity wiggity whack ♪
♪ I come stompin' ♪
♪ With something pumpin' to keep you... ♪

[grunts]

♪ The Mac Dad will make you ♪
♪ Jump, jump ♪
♪ Daddy Mac will make you ♪
♪ Jump, jump ♪
♪ Kris Kross will make you ♪
♪ Jump, jump... A-ha ♪
♪ jump, jump ♪
♪ The Mac Dad will make you ♪
♪ Jump, jump ♪

Hey!

♪ Daddy Mac will make you ♪

♪ Jump, jump ♪

Hey!

♪ Kris Kross will make you ♪
♪ Jump, jump... ♪

What are you doing down there?

I fell. I hurt my ankle.

Well... why didn't you call for help?

I did. I threw fruit!

Oh, God, maybe we should get you to the emergency room.

Oh, it's just a sprain.

Let me see.

Wrong leg, wrong leg, wrong leg!

1x13 - Hot Soup and Shingles

[groans softly]

These cookie are wet, Mom.

I'm sorry?!

Are you crazy? Get off that foot.

Let me put the groceries away.

[sighs] No. If you do it, I'll never find anything.

You've got two cabinets. It's not exactly a scavenger hunt.

I got this.

All right, fine.

At least tell me why you won't let a doctor look at your ankle.

[sighs]

Because he might say it's broken and ...

I don't have time for that! [clicks tongue]

Oh, yeah. Good strategy.

Is it your plan to tough out the roof, too?

[Christy sighs]

I called the landlord over and over.

Each time, his English got worse.

Violet: Mom! Grandma!

Get in here! The baby's moving!

[gasps]

I'm coming! Ow.

I'm coming! Ow.

Christy: I'm coming. Ow.

Oh, my God. There it is! Right? [laughs]

Let me feel! Let me feel!

Ow. Ah, where? Where?

Guess it stopped.

Wait.

Nope, just gas.

I gotta call Luke.

[groans]

Don't feel bad. You'll have plenty of time to spend with that baby after Violet dumps it on you.

Thanks, Mom.

It's funny...

'cause it's true.

It was so smart to keep this walking boot.

How'd you hurt your ankle the last time?

Oh, you know... back when I was drinking, I had this pesky habit of slipping on my own vomit.

A tale as old as time.

[sighs]

Please tell me you microwaved that sponge before you did the dishes.

What? Why?

To kill the germs.

You're serious?

This thing is filled with bacteria.

Might as well be washing dishes in the toilet.

Wow. What happened to the fun-lovin' chick who liked to slip and slide through her own vomit?

She watched a very scary exposé on the 6:00 news about how your kitchen can kill you and everyone you love.

Somebody really needs to get laid.

I can hear you, Mom.

You were meant to.

By the way, it's gonna rain again in a couple of days.

What do you want to do about the leak?

I don't know.

If I could figure out where the hole was, I'd probably jab a tampon in it.

Nice.

That way, the house can do archery and ride a horse.

I guess I'll just climb up there and throw a big tarp over everything.

Really? With one foot?

Who else is gonna do it, Mom? Are you gonna do it?

You don't even know to microwave a sponge.

Why don't you just call Baxter and see if he can fix it?

Ah! My ex-husband?

You want to send a stoner up to the roof with hot tar and a nail gun.

How's that not gonna end in tears?

Well, I'm calling him.

Maybe you should get laid.

I did.

Might want to microwave your sheets.

Whoa.

What's the matter?

I felt the baby move.

Ah! The baby's moving!

Violet, I'm coming! I'm coming!

I'm coming.

Shake your belly! Keep it moving!

[microwave beeps]

Huh. I always wondered how they made sponges.

[knocking at door]

[door opens]

Somebody need a hole plugged?

Oh, God.

There's a... old tarp in the shed.

Just cover as much of the roof as you can, and I'll get a roofer out here next week.

A roofer? [laughs]

La-di-dah! When did you get so middle-class?

Can you find the leak, cover it with hot tar, and then reshingle?

There's a couple of steps I didn't know about, but yeah.

What happened to your paw?

Oh... I fell.

Were you loaded?

No.

That's where you went wrong.

Never fall sober. You tense up.

Thanks for the tip.

It's a scientific fact. You can't get hurt when you're high.

I don't make the rules.

[beer can popping open]

Mr. Baxter...

Oh!

That was my only beer!

Sorry.

I got weed.

Forgiven.

Need any help?

You know how to patch a leaky roof?

No.

That makes two of us.

Here, let's just rip up shingles, and if we see the living room, we've gone too far.

I once patched a leak in a swimming pool.

Yeah? How'd that go?

Not good.

Apparently, you gotta take the water out first.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

The Capital of Ethiopia is Addis Ababa.

What?

That's just something I like that I know. No one ever asks.

Actually, I was gonna ask you about having a baby.

Oh. Yeah, you don't want to have one of those until you're, like, 45, 50 and you can't have any more fun or your heart'll explode.

No, dude, Violet's having my baby in a few months.

Oh...

Well, game over.

It's starting to kick.

Oh, that's big.

Yeah. It's really happening.

I just don't know if I'm ready to be a dad.

[laughs]

Been there.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely. Believe it or not, I had grave doubts about my own parenting abilities.

I just don't want to turn into my father.

I mean, I love him, but... you'd only give him a "world's greatest dad" T-shirt ironically.

Yeah. I had a father like that.

Vice cop in Oakland. I sure showed him.

Let me tell you something: When the baby gets here, you'll know what to do.

I hope so.

I'll never forget driving home from the hospital after Roscoe was born.

I looked in the rearview mirror at him in his car seat, and I just... knew I could do it.

Cool.

Yeah.

If Christy hadn't caught me banging her best friend, I'd still be doing it.

Don¨t worry. You'll be a great dad.

Thanks. It sounds like you're a great dad, too.

[laughs]

I do my best.

Now, let's smoke that weed before I go crazy.

[Baxter and Luke laughing]

It sounds like Luke and Baxter are getting along.

I know that laugh.

They're getting ready to order pizza.

Just my luck.

I got a couple of idiot nine-year-olds fixing my roof.

I'm nine.

Nothing to brag about.


Baxter: Hey, man, let's order a pizza!

Ow!

Ow!

Ah!

This is fun.

What are you doing?

Working.

I knew I should've handled this myself.

Christy, it's done. Look. All sealed.

Just got to let it dry and put the shingles on tomorrow.

Oh. Okay. Good.

Just promise me you'll be careful.

Promise.

I don't care if you get high.

I just don't want anybody getting hurt.

We... are not... getting high!

She knows, dude.

Relax. We're being real safe.

Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no! Aaah! [crashing]

Oh. She tensed up.

It was so smart to save this.

Another vomit-related injury?

[sighs]

No. Slammed it in a car door.

Drunk?

Acid.

Ah.

ThoughI I was invisible.

[sighs] I can't believe you're going to work.

Why not?

Your ankle's the size of a grapefruit.

You just fell off a freaking ladder.

It's a miracle you're not driving a wheelchair with your tongue.

[sighs] I'm fine. It's just a sprain...

What are you trying to prove?

[sighs]

Nothing. I have a job.

I've got bills, I've got obligations...

[keys clatter to floor]

Would you like me to pick that up for you?

No. Thank you.

Oh...

Got it!

Soup's up.

Oh, God.

Not more soup.

Careful. Very hot.

I'll see you in hell.

[gasps]

Ah...

Ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

Why is this so enjoyable?

I think 'cause we're bad people.

[gasps]

Son of a bitch.

Hot, hot, hot, hot.

Hot, hot, hot.

Ah, hot.

Ah... hot.

Ah... ah... ah...

[panting]

Ah...

Ah... ooh...

[panting]

Uh...

It appears we are out of soup.

Mmm.

[door closes]

What are you doing back so early?

Oh... Gabriel sent me home.

He didn't fire you, did he?

No. The one perk to having slept with your married boss is job security.

Why don't you relax and I'll make dinner?

No, I got it.

Christy...

I said I got it!

[sobbing loudly]

[sobbing] I don't got it.

[Christy sniffs] I I don't got it.

What's that I hear? Was that a cry for help?

I'm done.

There's nothing left. [sniffs]

I still didn't hear the word "help."

Help!

[sobbing] Oh...

Come here. Let's get you into bed, and I will cook us all a nice dinner.

Thank you. [sniffs]

How do you feel about some hot soup?

Thanks for help me up, man.

My pleasure.

Pitching with you around here makes me feel better about being late with the child support payments.

You'll understand that soon enough.

I really appreciate you talking me through this whole baby thing.

Ah, it was nothing.

No, man, it was a big help. I would give you a "world's greatest dad" T-shirt unironically.

Wow. Thanks.

I don't get a lot of positive feedback.

All right. Enough emotion.

Let's get baked.

Right.

I'm just so tired.

That's because you don't let anybody help you.

[sighs] I would, but then things don't get done right.

Before you know it, everything's falling apart.

Stop tucking. I'm not a burrito.

Sorry.

And you don't know how to fluff a pillow.

Oh, go fluff yourself.

Sure. Abandon me.

That's how this all started.

Come again?

Forget it.

No, you-you seriously think I'm the reason you're a control freak?

You seriously don't?

Here we go!

Welcome back to another exciting episode of Blaming Bonnie!

As far back as I can remember, I came home every night to an empty house.

Ah, I've seen this one.

If I didn't cook dinner, I didn't eat.

At least the fridge was filled with food.

Don't you dare defend yourself!

But I provided. I...

No, no, no, no, no! No!

This is not a conversation.

Do I have to remind you that I raised myself?

I did my own laundry,

I made my own lunches, I hitchhiked to school.

What's that got to do with you being a bitter, angry, resentful woman right now?

I said this is not a conversation!

[deep voice] Hey, dude. Pass the joy.

I don't have it.

I don't have it, either.

[chuckles]

Too bad it's not a phone. We could call it.

[laughing]

Whoa.

What?

This is amazing weed. I can see your farts!

Awesome.

Do you honestly believe you have to remind me how much I screwed up? You don't think I carry that with me every minute of every freaking day?

Do you?

The actual amount of time is not important.

All you need to know is I am trying to be here for you right now, and you can stop beating me up for who I used to be, because I've got that covered.

But I like beating you up.

How's this for a plan?

You can blame me for all your problems on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays.

I'll punish myself the rest of the week.

Well, it is Monday.

All right.

I was a terrible mother. And I let you down, and nobody hates me more than me. How's that?

It would've been better if you cried.

I'll work on it.

I'm so sorry, baby.

Do you smell something?

[deep voice] Uh-oh.

You were so smart to save this.

Thanks. It's the herbal tea, right?

As you requested.

Just checking.

Purple's such a pretty color.

It doesn't feel pretty.

I do love taking care of you.

I love it, too, Mom.

Well... probably should've done it when you were a kid.

That would've been nice.

[thunder rumbles]

[exhales] Gotta hand it Baxter. He did a good job up there.

Yeah, he did.

I'm hard on him, but... he is trying to step up.

Maybe people can change.

[water drips]

Or maybe not.

[pops lips]

If it makes you feel any better, I forgot you wanted herbal.

[water drips]