01x14 - Leather Cribs and Medieval Rack

Up and at 'em, Roscoe! Time for school.

Shake a leg, Violet. It's time for your sonogram.

Sorry, Mom. Got to get breakfast started.

It's all right. I'm up.

How'd you sleep?

I didn't.

Bad dreams?

Yeah.

I keep having this nightmare I'm a foot-long hot dog in a short bun.

Oh, my God, my back is killing me.

Oh. Sorry, but... the couch is the best I can do.

No. I'm not complaining. I just... wow... wish I could feel my hands.

Well, it's only temporary, right?

Oh, yeah.

As soon as I scrape up enough money, I'll be out of here.

And you will be missed.

[phone ringing]

That's me.

[phone continues ringing]

Must've fallen under the cushions.

Here, here, here, here!

Let me... let me get it.

What are you doing?

I'm helping!

What is wrong with you?

Get out of my way.

No, no, no, no.

Your back hurts. Let me!

Christy, stop!

[phone continues ringing]

Oh, my God!

[yelps]

I have been sleeping on this medieval rack for a month and you never told me it folds out into a bed?

Didn't I?

I meant to.

Ah, look, found your phone.

Yay.

1x14 - Leather Cribs and Medieval Rack

[sighs] Off to work. See you later.

[loud clang]

All right. Bye.

Oh, come on. Don't do the silent thing.

You're a pathetic excuse for a daughter.

I take it back. Do the silent thing.

Just so you know, I won't be here when you get home.

Mom, stop.

No.

You clearly don't want me here, and I certainly don't want to be where I'm not welcome.

You are very welcome.

I just thought that... couches are for visitors and beds are for... ever.

And would that have been so awful?

Of course not.

Well, thanks for the hospitality. I'll see you around.

[sighs]

No, I don't want you to leave. Please.

Forgive me. Stay.

I can't forgive you.

But I will stay.

I can do this myself.

No, no, no. It's the least I can do.

Yeah, no kidding.

I just hope you understand I'm gonna need some time to rebuild my trust in you, which, frankly, has been shattered.

Gotcha.

[phone ringing]

[groans] That's me.

Oh, relax. I got it.

No, wait!

I'm right here.

No! No! No, no, no, no, no!

What... the hell?

Ooh...

You told me you were broke!

Emotionally!

[phone continues ringing]

She can't talk right now. She's about to get her ass kicked.

I took you in because you couldn't pay your own rent.

Well, there's "couldn't" and-and "didn't want to."

So you lied to me.

Uh... this couch folds out.

No, no, no, no, no. That's done. Old business.

There's a new lie in town!

Fine. Take whatever you need.

Don't try to buy your way out of this.

You sure? There's $4,000 there.

$4,000?

I have been paying for everything around here.

I know. And it's really helped me save.

I only had $3,000 when I moved in!

I can't even talk to you right now.

I'm ju... Wow.

Uh... sweetie?

You're-you're gonna give that money back to me, right?

Uh, honey?

Don't make Mommy kill you.

[knocking]

Yeah?

Bonnie: It's your mother.

I don't have a mother.

I made you breakfast.

Oh.

Okay. Thanks.

There's coffee, oatmeal, toasted English and a fruit cup.

Nice.

So.. we're good?

Sure.

I just hope you understand I'm gonna need some time to rebuild my trust in you, which, frankly, has been shattered.

Oh, come on. Y-You didn't want me here, and I didn't feel like paying to be here.

Let's just call it even and move on.

[sighs]

I don't know.

Is there anything else you haven't told me?

[scoffs, chuckles]

Probably.

Well?

Really? You want to do this?

Yes, I want to do this.

You're willing to come clean about everything you've kept from me?

Ooh...

Yeah, tricky, isn't it?

[sighs]

Yeah. What the hell? Let's do it.

Let's put it all on the table.

No harm, no foul?

Yeah, total amnesty.

All right. You want to go first?

I'll give you $4,000 if you go first.

Sweet.

[grunts]

You remember your Aunt Jeanine?

Yeah.

She wasn't really your aunt.

She and I were, you know...

Oh, my God.

You were gay?

Not gay so much as temporarily disgusted with men.

I don't believe it. Aunt Jeanine used to take me to the park and teach me how to shoot hoops and hit a softball.

Oh.

Your turn.

[breathes deeply]

All right, wow.

I thought we'd warm up, but you just dove in head first.

That's what she said.

Okay. I got one.

Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car?

Yeah...

Best junior prom ever.

Are you kidding me?

I was almost killed in the desert because of that.

Amnesty.

There was a gun to my head.

They made me dig my own grave!

Ooh, that's too bad.

I was voted queen of the prom.

You're up.

[knocking on the wall]

Okay, here's a biggie.

You know what? Never mind, let me think of something else.

No, I want that one. What's that?

Um, uh, all right, uh, the only reason you passed ninth-grade algebra is 'cause I gave your teacher a handy on parents' night.

Nice try. You told me that the next morning.

Now give.

[clears throat]

All right.

Alvin Lester Biletnikoff.

Who's that?

Your father.

What?

You always said you didn't know who he was.

It could have been a dozen guys.

I lied, I always knew it was Alvin.

Oh, my God.

Whew, that's a load off. All right, your turn.

Christy: Are you freaking kidding me?!

I spent my whole life wondering who he was, and you knew the whole time?

Bonnie: Calm down!

We agreed on amnesty!

Christy: Screw amnesty and screw you!

What's amnesty?

Uh, it's when you can't remember stuff.

Watch your brother. We'll be back in a few hours.

What's going on?

Nothing, we have to run some errands.

Very nice, lie to your daughter.

How'd you find him?

Google... I did the satellite map thing. The son of a bitch has a pool.

I could have had a pool?

I could have had a pool!

How long has he lived in Chico?

I don't keep tabs on him.

Mom.

17 years. Married, two kids, two mortgages, and he's on the Scientology mailing list, thanks to me.

Sounds like you have a little unfinished business with him.

Yeah, if I finish it, I'll have to go to jail.

Roscoe, it's your turn to take out the garbage.

I'll do it later.

Pause the video game and do it now.

I don't have to listen to you. You're not Mom.

Roscoe...

Let me.


Hey.

You heard your sister; take out the garbage.

You take it out.

Whoa, little man, not cool.

You need to show some respect.

Bite me.

Okay, go to your room.

No.

I said go to your room!

Luke, relax.

No, he has to learn to respect his elders.

His elders? Five minutes ago you were making armpit farts.

Hang on.

Go. To. Your. Room.

You're. A. Big. Douche.

You want to get spanked?

You want to get kicked in the nuts?!

Who is this kid?

So, what's he do?

He owns a body shop.

Really, and he has a pool?

Ah, relax, it's above ground.

Want to see a picture of him?

Yeah.

He's Chinese?

Oh, sorry, that's just a fella I, you know, keep company with.

Okay. Here he is.

Here's your father. [bump]

What the hell was that?

Oh, think you killed a possum. Nope, he's up!

Okay, ha-hang on before I... kill again.

Wow.

I don't look anything like him.

He's five-five.

Oh, Daddy.

Is the little jerk not eating?

He's not a jerk, and he won't come out of his room because he thinks you're a jerk.

Fine, then he doesn't eat. Probably could use a good spanking, too.

Are you kidding me? Is that how you want to raise our kid?

Hey, this ass got swatted plenty and it's a better ass for it.

Well, then we have a problem.

I agree.

What's the problem?

I intend to raise our child with patience and understanding.

You weren't raised like that.

Exactly... I want to do better, I want to break the cycle.

Wow. That's ambitious.

Why don't we start now? Go talk to Roscoe, make peace.

He threatened my nuts!

For me.

[sighs]

Okay.

Don't worry. I'm in charge.

[sighs]

Looks like your daddy has a nice operation going over there.

[sighs]

And he habla EspaĆ²ols.

That's considerate. I like him.

So, what's the plan? [sighs]

I'm not sure. Man, my heart is pounding.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why did you pretend he was just some faceless stranger?

I don't... because I... thought that was... better than the truth.

Thanks for making that decision for me.

[sighs]

All right. Last chance.

I'm about to go over there and hear his side of the story.

Are you sure you don't want to tell yours first?

Uh...

Uh... fine.

Uh... [clears her throat]

I was sixteen.

I was living with my fifth set of foster parents, and I sensed I was losing their support.

May have been related to a Trinitron TV that went missing.

Anyway, I, uh, met your father shortly thereafter.

Timing was good. I was between homes, he had a Winnebago.

So it wasn't a one-night stand?

No. No.

We were in love.

Lived together two years before I got pregnant.

Wow.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. He was so excited he was gonna be a dad.

He brought me strawberry milkshakes every day.

He made you a crib out of leather.

And then, you surprised us a couple of weeks early at a... at a Blue Oyster Cult concert.

My water broke right in the middle of "Don't Fear the Reaper."

I never liked that song.

Uh, understandable.

You were stuck in my pelvis the first time you heard it.

And then, he rushed me to the hospital where, thanks to your big head, I had to have a C-section.

But when it was over, there you were, our beautiful baby girl.

It all sounds great.

What happened?

I...

He panicked, I guess. I...

I waited at the hospital for two days, but he never came back.

He just left you there?

Us. He left us.

Yeah.

I was discharged Christmas Eve. [laughing]

I remember sitting on a bus bench with you in my arms, not knowing where to go.

Oh, damn.

What?

I hate it when you become a real person with feelings.

Sorry. I'm not that crazy about it, either.

[sniffling]

[sighs]

Now I don't know whether I want to hug him or kill him.

Well, I don't want to influence you either way, but...

Mom, put that away, please! Don't!

Mom!

Okay, miss, what can I do you for?

Oh. Hi.

I'm Christy.

All right.

Oh, look, we're the same height.

[laughing] Okay. Just came by to insult me, did you?

No. No, no, no.

I just wanted to tell you that...

My car. I was thinking about getting it painted.

We can do that. What kind of car is it?

It's that '91 Jetta over there.

Ah. Hope you're planning on painting it brown, 'cause that is one fantastic piece of crap.

You think?

Yeah, my advice is, don't waste your money.

Oh. Okay. I appreciate you being honest.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

All right, well, thanks for your time.

No problem.

Oh. Nice-looking family.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, my oldest son there is just back from Afghanistan, and the younger one is a DJ or something.

I don't really get it.

To me, he just looks like an idiot playing records.

But I'm sure I did dumber things when I was his age.

Like what?

Well, like... none of your business.

Right. Sorry.

That's okay. And listen, if you ever get a car from this century, you know where to find me.

I do.

Okay. There you go.

[sighs]

[sighs]

You okay?

Not really.

Why didn't you tell him?

I don't know. I choked.

What did you think of him?

Seems like a nice guy, good dad.

[sighs]

I mean, I wanted to yell at him for running off on us like he did, but... what's the point?

We turned out just fine without him.

[both laugh]

[sighing] Oh.

Oh. Oh. [laughing]

I have never loved you more.

Back at ya.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

You know, there's one more thing that I kept from you that you should probably know.

Okay.

[sighs]

You're two years older than you think you are.

[i]Amnesty!