01x16 - Nietzsche and a Beer Run

Another round, doubles, straight up.

Table six is still waiting on their dessert.

Oh... Can you help me out with that?

I got a table full of firemen drinking bourbon like it's coming out of a hose.

Firemen?

Yeah, they saved some rich clown's house and he gave 'em a gift certificate.

Oh, yeah.

I was the rich clown.

By the way... tax and tip not included.

They should've let you burn.

[men laughing]

Here we go.

Ooh. Ooh.

Four double bourbons.

Thank goodness. [laughs]

Thank you for bringing the medicine that alleviates my pain.

Aw, are you in pain?

Yes.

No.

You guys have fun.

Hey, wait, don't go.

I'm sorry.

I got a lot of people hurting in here.

Yeah, but you and I have something special.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

And what's that?

Give me your hand.

Feel it?

No.

Wait for it. How 'bout now?

No.

Come on. My friends are watching.

Feel it! [mouths]

Woman: Whoa! Whoa!

Don't worry, I'll save you!

Oh! What are you doing?

My job.

Come on, stop.

Oh, hey.

Hello. I'm not stealing lobster.

Okay, you can put me down now.

I think I'm safe.

No, you're not.

Hang on. I don't even know your name.

It's David.

All right, then.

And I'm not stealing butter, either.

1x16 - Nietzsche and a Beer Run

Easy... here we go. Watch your step. [/i]

I'm the one helping you.

I was talking to myself.

Ooh!

Okay. I'm gonna leave now.

Do you remember where your car is?

At the restaurant!

Do you remember which restaurant?

I do not.

I'll, uh... write it down for you.

I know what's happening.

You drove me home so you could take advantage of me.

I already did.

Twice. You don't remember?

I'm gonna go.

You can't leave. We have something special.

You feel it?

You already ran that line on me.

I did? How'd it go?

Actually, quite well.

Just... please, stay for a little while.

[quietly] Come on.

[mouths]

Five minutes.

Great!

I'll pour us a couple of drinks.

Oh, I'm fine. You go ahead.

You sure? I'm much more charming if you're loaded.

I was making out with you by the dumpsters.

You're charming enough.

Okay.

Interesting. Lot of books, no TV.

Waitress by day, detective by night!

Socrates, Nietzsche... Kierkegaard.

50 years of Playboy.

Can't really m*st*rb*t* to Socrates.

Do the other firemen make fun of you?

They call me the professor.

Mm... could be worse. You could be Ginger or Mary Ann.

What?

Gilligan's Island. I have a TV.

Hang on.

You have a Doctorate of philosophy from Stanford?

I do.

Okay, you get two more minutes.

Explain how you go from that to fireman.

I had no choice. After the mortgage meltdown, the philosophy business went right to hell.

Can I kiss you?

Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression in the parking lot.

I'm really not that kind of girl, so... good night.

Good night.

Oh, who am I kidding? I am so that girl!

Slut.

Oh. Good evening, Mother.

It's really late. Where you been?

Oh... we got a tip the health department is gonna inspect the restaurant tomorrow.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And one of the freezers is leaking coolant and it goes all over where the fish is, so... we all had to stay and clean out the walk-in.

Took forever.

Almost as long as this lie.

I'm telling the truth. Why don't you believe me?

Because your panties are in your purse.

Oh, that. Well, if you must know, I had a little accident.

Really? You would rather admit to wetting yourself than telling me you were with somebody?

[sighs]

Okay. There was a guy.

An incredible guy.

Okay, now we're talking.

Why were you so embarrassed?

'Cause I met him at 9:00 and had my feet behind my ears at midnight.

And...?

That's it. That's embarrassing.

Wow. You and I are so different.

Tell me about him.

Ooh... where do I start?

He's a fireman.

Like it.

He has a Doctorate in philosophy.

Boring.

[exhales]

And when his pants came down, oh, Mom, you could play horseshoes on that thing.

Back to like.

So when are you seeing him again?

I'm not.

Why? Did you steal something from his apartment?

No! Who does that?

No one.

Continue.

It's just...

[sighs]

...he drinks an awful lot.

So?

What do you mean "so?" I'm closing in on a year sober.

I can't be around that kind of stuff.

Oh, come on. What's the point of building a better life if you can't let a man treat you like a whore every once in a while?

It was a one-night stand, end of story.

Wait, how 'bout this? You double up on your meetings and bang him till his liver explodes. Win-win.

That's great advice. You really should be a life coach.

You know, you're being sarcastic, but my probation officer says the same thing!

[panting]

The French call the orgasm "la petite mort."

Means "the little death."

Well, then you're a serial killer.

This is nice.

You know what would be nicer?

I told you I'm not gonna do that.

I'm talking about a little weed.

Oh. I'm not gonna do that either.

You mind if I...

No. No, no, no, of course not.

So, you don't drink, you don't get high... are you, like, a Mormon or something?

[scoffs]

There was a time I would've thought you were Mormon for just drinking and smoking.

Seriously?

Don't take this the wrong way, but bourbon and weed is for babies.

Oh, my heart is filling with love.

Yeah, well... I'm doing the sober thing for now.

Really? Good for you.

I admire that.

Facing life on life's terms is a warrior's path.

Well, I don't think I'm a warrior.

No, that's exactly what you are.

You're a spiritual warrior.

Every eastern philosophy emphasizes...

[inhaling]

...physical sobriety to allow the consciousness, the ever present "I," the godhead, to merge with...

[inhales]

...the white-hot moment of the eternal now.

[inhales]

You don't say.

Animals get it. They live in the now.

A hummingbird doesn't regret yesterday or worry about tomorrow 'cause that doesn't actually exist, except in our minds. [inhales]

You know, a small TV in here wouldn't be the worst idea in the world.

I like you.

I think you like everything right now.

No... this isn't the weed talking.

I really like you. I think you're an amazing woman.

Thanks. I really like you, too.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Are sober people allowed to do coke?

No.

You're so brave!

Be right back.

Hey, old buddy. Remember me?

[sighs]


Hi, I'm Bonnie. I'm an alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Bonnie.

And as a newly certified life coach, I'm also the answer to all your problems.

Take one, and pass it around.

Oh, Mom, no.

I don't do "no." I'm in the "yes" game.

It's time for me to pay forward everything I've learned on my remarkable journey of sobriety.

You've been sober for three months.

Yeah. I've been "winning" for three months.

And I want all of you to win, too. In love, at work, and with family.

150 bucks an hour?

You want me off your couch or not?

Very reasonable!

After the meeting, I'll be over by the cookies to answer your questions.

Oh, where did you get certified?

Not that question.

Thanks for letting me share. Christy?

Oh, you know, I'm good.

Nothing going on with me. I'm gonna pass.

What about the drunk fireman?

I'm passing, Mom. Mary?

Oh, thank you.

My name is Mary...

Yeah, yeah, we know your name!

You-you sure you don't want to tell everybody you spent last night staring down the business end of a bong?

Nope. You're up, Mary.

Okay. Well, my son's back in jail...

Where he belongs, Mary!

Christy, you need to be honest with this group.

You were the one who encouraged me to see him.

I didn't encourage you to start getting high.

I didn't get high! Go ahead, Mary. He's in jail and...?

And the Aryan nation guys really don't like him.

Tell him to put a swastika on his head. He'll be fine.

And I just wanted you to get laid.

I didn't want you to ruin your life.

Yeah, 'cause that's your job!

[door shuts]

Can I finish now?

Seriously?!

I just had a big fight with my daughter. You're gonna hog the meeting?

[tires squeal, loud crash]

What the hell was that?!

I don't know!

Christy: Oh, my god!

Top o' the morning to you!

David, what are you doing?!

That's David? Oh, I totally get it.

And who's this enchantress in flaid plannel?

Plaid flannel?

This is my Mom, Bonnie.

You can't just say Bonnie?

Well, Bonnie, they certainly left the hose on a long time when they poured you.

Totally, totally get it.

What the hell are you doing with a fire truck?

I'm making a beer run. What does it look like?

Come inside.

Everybody go back to bed! There's no a fire.

It's just my daughter's boyfriend! He's a drunk!

Sit down. I'll make you some coffee.

Thank you.

I can't believe you were driving that fire truck drunk off your ass.

What were you thinking?! You're smarter than that.

Bonnie: Christy?

Elvis has left the building.

Oh, boy.

Hey, do you think he needs a life coach?

What?

I'll just give him a flier.

What's going on?

Nothing. Go to bed.

Who's that?

He's... just a friend... who's taking a nap.

You sure? He looks drunk.

Violet, please take your brother back to bed.

Come on, Roscoe.

Remember when Mom was drunk and we drew mustaches on her?

All right, what's the plan?

I don't know. I guess we just let him sleep it off.

Yeah. All right, as long as he doesn't snore.

Mom, you're sleeping with me.

I knew that.

Okay, help me out here.

Ah, look. His emergency weed.

Keeps it in his shoe? What an amateur.

I can't believe I used to put my kids through all this craziness.

Well, at least you never stole a fire truck.

No. Wait...

No.

You know what's really crazy? The more I'm with him, the more I want to throw my sobriety out the window and get the party going again.

Wow.

I could use a meeting. Could you use a meeting?

You think?

Why don't you start?

Hi, I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

David: Hi, Christy!

All right, here's the thing.

I'm dating this sweet, smart, smoking hot guy who's just a train wreck.

And I know that it's not good for me, but I don't want to go back to being alone.

That's all I got.

Thanks, Christy.

Hi, I'm Bonnie. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

I just want to say how proud I am of my daughter.

She is the strongest person I know.

If I had a guy like this, I'd be robbing banks and shooting heroin into my eyeballs to keep our love alive.

This was a good idea, Mom. Thanks.

I'm a life coach... it's what I do.

Let's go to bed.

Yeah.

Oh... what about the fire truck?

Ooh. He could lose his job!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah.

[ringtones play]

Yeah?

Why are you stopping?

It's a red light.

You're in a fire truck!

Oh, yeah. Hang on.

[siren wails]

Whoo!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Get in the car with your sister.

I'll be right there.

Okay.

Bye, sweetie.

Bye, Mom.

Thanks for taking everybody to school.

No problem. Did you talk to David yet?

I'm waiting for him to get out of the shower.

You think he's using my loofah?

Mom.

I'm sorry. You're doing the right thing.

I know.

Don't worry.

There'll be other hot, smart, freshly exfoliated firemen.

No, there won't.

Yeah, probably not.

See ya later.

Morning.

Keep walking, Mom!

Hey, uh, got some coffee here for you.

Thanks for bringing the truck back.

Ah, it was fun.

Kind of a bitch to parallel park, though.

Christy, I might have a problem.

Oh, you do.

I mean, you do?

Yeah. I am...

I'm crazy about you and I cannot get you out of my mind.

Oh. Wow.

That's it? No other problems?

Just you. And I can't find my emergency weed.

Uh-huh.

Feel free to say I'm your problem, too.

Oh, believe me, you're a huge problem, it's just, uh...

I'm sorry, I don't think I can do this anymore.

What? Wh... Why not?

'Cause you're still doing the party thing, and that's cool, but... I can't handle it.

I could lose everything.

What if I cleaned up my act?

Are you willing to do that?

I'm willing to lie about it.

Yeah, that's not gonna work.

I get it. I'm sorry.

Me, too.

You're still my hummingbird warrior.

If you ever change your mind, you've got my number.

Yeah. 911.

[i]Oh, come on...