01x17 - Jail, Jail and Japanese p0rn

Previously on Mom...

So, Regina, tell us about you.

I'm a money manager.

People trust me with millions of dollars.

So, yeah, maybe I like to take the edge off at the end of the day with a couple bottles of wine. Few shots of tequila.

Fistful of muscle relaxers.

I'm dating this sweet, smart, smokin' hot guy who's just a train wreck.

Can I ask you something?


Are sober people allowed to do coke?

You know how I told you people trust me with their money?


They shouldn't.

I embezzled from my clients.


What kind of question is that?

What's a better question?


Anyway... the real reason I came here tonight was...

I think the police might be waiting for me at my house.

I can't believe they found you guilty.

I can. I stole $3 million.

Kind of gives you faith in the legal system.


Shut up.

So what happens next?

There's a sentencing hearing.

I'm hoping the judge will go easy on me 'cause I've been turning my life around.

Have you?

Don't push me, Chopstick.

Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails.

Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people.

I'm going to "jail" jail.

Someone's gonna buy my ass for a Kit Kat bar.

Well, it's only fair. Kit Kat bars helped build that thing.

My lawyer said it might help if I had some character witnesses.

Oh, so you need people who can testify to how you've turned into a productive member of society.



Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've lied under oath.

Thanks, but I was kind of hoping for someone a little less... sketchy.

That's funny. Sketchy was my street name.

What about you, Christy?

Oh, I'm not squeaky clean, either. Especially not in Nevada.

And parts of Utah.

I'm not allowed to travel abroad.

It's not a competition, Mom.

You'll be great.

Just look at the judge like one of those big-eyed kid paintings.

He'll eat it up.

You think?

Oh. Show me.

Open your mouth a little, so you look like you're about to cry.

Tell me that doesn't look like house arrest to you.

Come on, I can do that.

You look like someone who just huffed some paint.

Okay, for that, you're buying.

Mom. She's going to prison.

Where she will eat for free.

Come on, we're gonna be late for the meeting.

Oh, actually, I can't make it.

I've got to help a friend move.

Who's the friend?

Do you know Denise?


It's Denise.

Catch you later.

Your daughter's an amazing woman.

She's a lying whore.


There's no Denise.

She's going to see her pothead boyfriend.

Wow. All I saw was the big eyes.

She's gonna be great on the stand.

You ready to go?

Let me just use the ladies' room.

Why don't you just take a leak right here in front of everybody?


You're going to prison, you might as well get used to it.

1x17 - Jail Jail and Japanese p0rn

You asleep?

No. Just enjoying the moment.

Me, too. If I tell you something, you promise you won't freak out?

I'll try. Am I gonna need antibiotics?

No. I think I'm falling in love with you.


You freaked out?

That depends.

How high are you right now?

On a scale of Woody Harrelson to Willie Nelson.

Snoop Dogg.

So you might not remember this.

I'll remember.

Traditionally, this is where you say you're falling in love with me.

Oh, God.

I might be.


[soft laugh]



You ready for round two?

Mm. I am.

But I have to go to work.

No, don't go, stay.

I'll make us waffles, I'll read you some of my poetry.

Seriously? I've got a fireman who writes poetry?

I prefer to think of myself as a poet who puts out fires.

Damn you.

What are you doing?

Calling in sick.

[husky voice] Gabriel. It's Christy.

I-I think I got that thing that's going around.

So I won't be in today, maybe tomorrow. Bye.

[laughs, sighs]

All right, I'm all yours.

Do that sick voice again. I think it's kind of sexy.

[husky] Kiss me.

Nope, I was wrong.


Hey, where you been?

What do you mean, where have I been?


[sighs] What are you doing?

Frosting cupcakes.

What's the occasion?

It's You Signed Up to be Snack Mom and Forgot Day.


Nope, forgetful mothers do not get snacks.

You know... cupcakes aren't a very healthy choice.

Neither is criticizing me for doing your freakin' job.

Why don't I just finish that up for you?


So, a long night, huh?

Ugh, brutal.

I'm really thinking about going back to school.

I cannot wait tables my entire life.

Good for you.

Yeah, I'm tired of spending ten hours a day on my feet.

You sure you don't mean on your back?


Gabriel called to say he's sorry you missed work and hopes you're feeling better.

So what are you thinking about studying in school?


All right, fine.

I blew off work and spent the night with David.

But why lie about it?

'Cause I'm kind of a liar.

Is that where you were when you missed your daughter's Lamaze class yesterday?

Oh, no, was that yesterday?

Don't worry, I covered for you. 20 women going... [quick, short breaths]

...for a freakin' hour.

It sounded like Japanese p0rn.

You are the best grandmother.

Yeah, only because you're the worst mother.

Look, I am not gonna tell you how to live your life, but you're screwing up. You are in over your head with this guy, you need to snap out of it.

I thought you weren't gonna tell me how to live my life?

You're not the only liar in this room.

It just so happens that that guy told me he loves me tonight.

Oh, well, love.

That changes everything.

You deserve a cupcake.


Not bad.

Oh, I can't promise anything, but I'll try.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Hey, you sound a lot better.

[husky] It comes and goes.

Well, I'm glad you're back.

Please wash your hands. A lot.

Hey, Paul, is Rudy still selling weed on the side?

Rudy: Oh, uh, yes!

Oh, hey, didn't see you there.

Step into my office.

You do it in the freezer?

Cold people don't haggle.

So, would you like to hear the specials?


Tonight we have a locally produced Sonoma Kush which pairs very well with a lovely 1978 Quaalude.

No, just the Kush.

Good choice. So what are we thinking, half a kilo?

No, just a couple of joints.

Are you kidding me?

I'm freezing my balls off for a couple of joints? Look, Paul handles the nickel-and-dime crap.

W-Wait, wait, uh, this stays just between you and me, right?

Absolutely. I will protect your reputation.

Oh, what are you looking at? Yes, I'm banging the little blonde.


What the hell am I doing?


Yeah?! Hi! Who?!

Oh, Regina. You scared the crap out of me.

I need a favor and I didn't want to bother you in the restaurant.

Oh, so you decided to give me a heart attack in the parking lot?

Here, take this.

While I'm in prison, I want you to hold it for me.

What's in it?

I don't think that concerns you.

Oh, my God, is this some of the money you stole?

No, that's money I earned.

But the Feds will take it if they know I have it.

How'd you earn it?

Selling Mary Kay cosmetics.

Now... are you still good for being my character witness in court tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Should I bring the box of stolen money with me?

No. You can leave it and the sarcasm at home.

Just... tell the judge how I've turned my life around and that I'm a fine, upstanding citizen.

Got it.

Thank you. You'rere good friend.

See you tomorrow.

Regina, wait.


If I had a real emergency, do you think I could... you know... dip into it?

Define "real emergency."

I don't know, my kid needs an operation...

'cause his mom doesn't have... satellite TV.

Just give me the big eyes tomorrow, I'll get you HBO.


Hello, Christy.

Oh, no. No, no, no. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no...

Get back here!

Christy: I don't have time for an intervention!


I'm only coming back 'cause it's my house.


What are you doing here?

I'm concerned about you.

[mocking] I'm concerned about you.

Before we begin... it's important you know we love you and we just want to talk to you about...

I am so pissed at you!

Apparently, Violet is going first.

I spent too many years making sure you ate, putting you to bed, and cleaning vomit off of you.

I am not going through it again.

You do realize you're having a baby, right?

Christy, you're lying about where you are, you're calling in sick to work, and now Gabriel says you're buying pot?

I saw you go in the walk-in with Rudy.

You ratted me out to my mother?

What is this, fourth grade? I am fine!

You're buying drugs.

For my boyfriend!

Okay, so it's eighth grade.

How long before you start buying them for yourself?

I know what I'm doing.

Says the woman who slept with her married boss.

Let's not lose focus. This is about the weed.

Christy... this David's just gonna drag you down with him.

I see what's going on here.

David and I are happy, and you guys can't handle it.

Don't be ridiculous.

Why don't you take all of this "concern" and fix your own damn lives?!

Are you happy? Are you happy?

I know you're not happy.

I'm happy... ish.

I'm out of here.

Christy, wait.

Nope. And just for the record, this is the crappiest intervention anyone's ever thrown me!

And I've had a few!

[electronic tone dings]

Oh, you've got to be kidding me!


Who's she?




Maybe I should... go.

Yeah, maybe you should go.

It was nice meeting you.


I can't believe you!

Okay, let's stay calm and talk.

What's there to talk about?

You got your tongue in some slut's mouth!

Just waiting for the elevator.

Let's go inside.

You rat b*st*rd! You said you loved me.

I said I was "falling in love with you."

And in my defense, I was very high.

Well, I was falling in love with you... and I was stone-cold sober.

You're right. I'm sorry.

The truth is, Christy, the reason I kissed that woman is because... I love you so much.

Wow. That's so bad, it's almost good.

My feelings for you are so intense that it scares me.

Scares you?

I put you in front of my family and my job!

I even bought pot for you.

Really? Did you bring it?

Here you go. Choke on it!

[door opens]

Oh, for God's sakes, take the stairs!


Where the hell is my big-eyed character witness?

My guess? Unspooling a fireman's hose.


She's banging a fireman.

I am going away for a long time.

You know... it's not too late to run.

You think?

[door opens]

Regina, I can't delay this anymore.

Now it's too late to run.

Oh, dear God, I prayed it wouldn't come to this.


Sketchy... will you be my character witness?

I would be honored.

The judge a guy or a girl?


I got this.

Your Honor, I'm not gonna candy-coat it.

I've done bad things in my life.

I've bought drugs, sold drugs, a little gun smuggling, might have dabbled in some human trafficking.

But that doesn't mean I'm not a good person today.

[quietly] Doesn't mean she's a good character witness, either.

I've sat where Regina Thompkins is sitting.

I know the regret she's feeling, the shame, because she hurt innocent people.

Yes, you did, Regina.

You hurt them. Don't look away.

But what are we here for, Your Honor... punishment or redemption?

Okay, I'll say it for you. Redemption.

Which is why I recommend release with probation, so Regina can find honest employment and pay back the money she stole.

You do realize we're talking about $3 million.

Well, they may not get it tomorrow... but doesn't she deserve a chance?

I don't think so.

Wow. So you're just gonna be a douche about this.

I'm here, I'm here. Sorry.

Oh, thank God! Get your skinny ass up there!

Tough crowd.

Hi. I'm sorry, I'm late. Today has been a total nightmare.

Do I need to, uh, touch a Bible or say the Pledge of Allegiance or something?

No, no, just state your name and tell us about the defendant.

Oh, okay. Uh...

Christy Plunkett.

I'm... here to speak on behalf of Regina Thompkins.

Whew! Where to start?

I mean... I love her. She's a wonderful person.

Sure, she's made some mistakes, but she's really turned her life around.

She's been sober for six months, and... let me tell you, that is not an easy thing to do.

Because... when you get sober, you... think the fun's over.

Unless you get lucky and meet a guy who actually makes you feel good, and then you think, "All right, I'm back!"

But you're not.


[crying] Because... you open your heart up... to this jerk... [sniffles] and he turns out to be a big, drunken, cheating idiot.

Yeah, the s*x was great, Your Honor.

But how am I supposed to forgive him?

Once a liar, always a liar!

A leopard cannot change its spots.

Unless, of course, the leopard is Regina Thompkins.

Is it too late to give back some of that money?

I'm so sorry about the way I acted. I just thought...

David and I really had something.

I know, baby.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

[knocking on table] Hello?

Anybody sorry I'm going to jail for four years?

Aw, with good behavior, you'll be out in two.

You could do two years standing on your head.

Or sitting on someone else's.

Here's what you do... first day in there, you find the biggest badass in the yard, hit her with a sock full of nickels and show everybody there's a new queen bitch in town.

But doesn't that mean sooner or later someone's gonna whack the crap out of me?

Well, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.

[big sigh]

Anybody else feel like hitting a meeting?

Sounds good to me.

Don't worry, Regina, your box of money is safe with me.

Bonnie: There's a box of money?

Christy: No.