01x18 - Sonograms and Tube Tops

[Christy and Bonnie gasping]

Look, there are its little fingers.

One, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, five.

Yes!

I can't wait till you're born!

That's 'cause you don't have to squeeze it out through your hoo-hah.

So, Doc, how we looking?

Healthy kid, or is it gonna need a crash helmet?

Everything looks great. You're right on schedule, six weeks out.

Hey, we might still be able to go to Senior Prom.

Think you can watch the baby?

You're joking, right?

The kid'll still be wet.

You're right. We'll bring it.

These two are gonna make great parents.

I've seen worse.

Would you like to know the s*x?

Well... I think it's pretty obvious.

It's a boy and he's going to be very popular with the ladies.

Actually, that's the umbilical cord.

Oh...

Oh...

We'd like to know.

Um, maybe not.

How come?

Knowing the s*x makes this all too... real.

It's not real enough for you? You've been farting like a lumberjack.

We don't really need to know right now.

Okay, I'll see you again in ten days.

Ooh, well... We've got a lot to do to get the house ready for our new guest.

Guest? You make it sound like we're just visiting.

Well, a girl can hope.

1x18 - Sonograms and Tube Tops

Thanks for helping out, Baxter.

My pleasure.

Always happy when my van is used to transport legal stuff.

What else you got in there?

Amigos.

Uno momento, por favor.

Seriously? You're moving illegal aliens?

Don't be ridiculous. They're drug mules.

What's going on?

Your grandmother and I got you a crib.

What do you think?

Looks like a little cage.

It is a little cage.

Mom...

When your mother was an infant, I kept her in a cat carrier.

Well, whatever. I don't like it.

Okay, you're welcome.

Was I that grumpy when I was pregnant?

Oh-ho-ho, I am not falling for that. Good day, madam.

Thanks, Baxter.

I'm gonna make some tea, you want some?

What I want is a daughter who is a little bit excited about having a baby.

Oh, you got to cut her some slack, she's scared.

Yeah, I get that, but... we're in the home stretch and she is in complete denial.

You know, she bought a tube top the other day.

I do not want to see that.

I know she's young, I know she's scared, but come on, it's not like she's doing this alone.

What if we threw her a baby shower?

Let her see we're all in this together?

Wow. That's not a bad idea.

You know, invite some friends from school, eat cake, play games... all the things I wish somebody did for me.

I am really sorry.

It just... it kills me that I wasn't there for you.

Wow. I didn't expect you to cop to it.

I'm not copping to anything. It's just the quickest way to shut you up.

Mom! Grandma! Look, I'm in jail!

I'd laugh if I didn't think it was a real possibility.

All right, make sure the oil in the deep fryer is changed, and I want the walk-in cleaned from top to bottom.

And I could do without the look.

Uh, hey, Chef Rudy, you got a minute?

Oh, make it quick. I'm sleeping with a food critic, and he throws a hissy fit if I'm late.

Wait, when did you start eating from the other side of the buffet?

When I realized there was a four-star review in his pants.

What do you need?

Well, I'm throwing a baby shower for my daughter, and I...

Speak quickly. I'm bored.

And I'm kind of strapped for cash, so I was hoping you could hook me up with some food.

You want me to help you steal from the restaurant?

Just the stuff that's left over.

That's the stuff I usually steal.

Oh, come on.

All right.

Lucky for you, I need an empty stomach for what I'm about to do.

But, um, how does a... ah... a shrimp platter, carpaccio, and, uh... ah... crème brûlée sound?

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't... don't confuse my naughty parts.

I have to go ride a 300-pound Frenchman.

Wow, you scored.

Yeah, Rudy really came through.

Did you know that he swung both ways?

No, but when we slept together, he did ask me to do a few things that were a little suspect.

It does make me nervous, having to beg food for a baby shower.

I mean, how are we gonna make ends meet when the kid actually gets here?

Well, that's a tough one. Maybe you could get a second job.

Or maybe you could get a first one.

What are you talking about? I have my life coaching business.

Oh, please, you've had two clients.

One paid you with used luggage and the other one stepped in front of a train.

That did teach me to get paid in advance.

I really need you to pitch in, Mom.

All right, all right.

Maybe I'll open my law practice again.

You're not a lawyer!

Well, I wasn't a health inspector either, but restaurants paid me a lot of money to look the other way.

Typing skills?

Two fingers.

This one. And, oddly enough, this one.

Aha.

Excel?

At what?

The computer program called Excel.

Of course. Yes, love me some Excel.

How are your phone skills?

Let me see. Hello?

[clicks tongue]

I think you have your answer.

How about a 52-line PBX system with direct inward calling?

That's what I'm talkin' about. While I'm typing.

All right. Thanks for coming in.

We'll contact you if anything comes up.

Oh, that doesn't sound very encouraging.

Ms. Plunkett... you see these résumés?

These are all people with advanced degrees and I can't find them work.

They sit in that box until I bring them home to Mother so she can do her sudoku on the back.

Well, maybe the problem is... Wait, you live with your mother?

I have my own entrance.

Uh, let me ask you... this employment agency deal, this isn't what you really wanted to do with your life, is it?

[scoffs] God, no.

I wanted to write a Broadway musical.

Interesting. What stopped you?

It's really hard.

That's not it.

What stopped you is you had no one guiding you, no one encouraging you.

Well, Mother tries, but ever since the stroke, she's got her own problems.

I can help.

You can?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't want to say anything because it's intimidating to people, but I'm a certified life coach.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Where did you get your certification?

The Katzenjammer Life Coaching Institute in Geneva, Switzerland.

Wow.

I don't want to give you false hope, but I've had a tremendous amount of success with composers.

Really? Like who?

You know Andrew Lloyd Webber?

[gasps] I do.

You're welcome.

Wow.

Before I came along, Evita was singing, "Don't cry for me, West Covina".

Amazing. So... so... so how do we do this?

Well, um... I, uh... oh!

I've got an opening Wednesday night at 8:00.

Ooh, Wednesdays Mother and I watch Idol.

Are you listening to yourself?

Those people on American Idol are chasing greatness.

All you're doing is watching them.

Sometimes I vote.

I'll see you Wednesday.

Um... do I get some kind of discount if I pre-pay for a bunch of sessions?

Do you have the cash on you now?

No.

Then no.

And that's how it's done!


[door opens]

Hey.

Hey.

What you got going on there?

I'm making a little princess tiara for Violet to wear at her baby shower.

Aw, it's so precious when you overcompensate for being a drunken loser when she was a kid.

How does it work?

Do you just sense when I'm feeling good about myself?

I'm sorry. This is so sweet.

Thank you.

I just want to give my daughter the best day ever.

Well, how about I give my daughter the best day ever?

I just got a paying client.

Shut up.

Yep. A real Norman Bates.

I think his mother might actually be stuffed.

Hey.

Honey, look, I'm making you a tiara.

Nice. Listen, I decided I don't want to have a party.

What are you talking about? It's a celebration!

It's fun and games and free stuff for the baby.

I don't need it.

Sweetheart, I'm stealing food from the restaurant.

Believe me, we need it.

No, we don't.

Okay. May I ask why?

I decided to give the baby up for adoption.

I feel like someone just punched me in the heart.

Did not see that coming.

Damn it, this is ridiculous!

No, Christy, wait.

No, no, no. She's wrong. I am not gonna let this happen.

We need to talk about this.

There's nothing to talk about.

The hell there isn't! Look, I know you're scared.

I'd be worried about you if you weren't, but that's no reason to give up on this baby.

Christy, calm down.

Do not tell me to calm down!

Why? Tell me why you're doing this.

That's my business.

No, it's not! We're all in this together.

Now tell me!

Okay. I don't want to be you.

You're talking to your mother, right?

I'm talking to both of you. You had her when you were my age, you had me when you were my age. I do the same thing, I'm gonna wind up with the same wasted life as you.

You think I wasted my life?

Mom, you're a 35-year-old ex-alcoholic, you're all alone, and you're waiting tables.

I'm a certified life coach.

Oh, give it a rest.

Hey, first of all, I happen to like my life and I love my children and I love my job.

What about me?

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

So don't tell me I wasted my life!

Okay. I just mean that I want more.

I want to go to school, I want a career!

You can still have all of those things.

Wait. Let me finish.

And I want this baby to have a chance at all of that, too.

Wow.

I don't know what to say. Excuse me.

I am doing the right thing.

I did not say a word.

Well, will you please talk to her?

Of course.

What does Luke say about this?

He doesn't know yet.

Really?

You have any advice?

Maybe I'm not a life coach.

Crème brûlée?

Thanks.

I really want a drink right now.

Shut up. You got pudding.

If she's gonna put that baby up for adoption, I'll adopt it.

Oh, that won't make things awkward at Thanksgiving.

"Violet, honey, please pass the peas to your sister-daughter."

You don't understand.

This was supposed to be our... do-over baby.

Do-over baby?

Yeah... a chance to get things right.

You know, to fix all the mistakes you made.

What about all the mistakes you made?

I made them because of you!

I was abandoned by my mother and thrown into the foster system.

Who do I get to blame?

Do not play that card.

Why not? It's my best card.

Just forget about us.

Have you ever stopped to think about what life is gonna be like if Violet does keep this baby?

Of course I have.

Really?

Yeah!

As long as we're together, as long as we're family, it's gonna be great.

Oh, get honest.

15, 20 years from now, how's it really gonna look?

Mom, let's go! I'm gonna be late for work!

[toilet flushes]

[groans] Sorry.

Things did not go well in there.

Mom, let's go! We're gonna be late for our AA meeting.

I don't wanna go!

I want to get a quart of vodka, an eight ball, take out my teeth, and gum a couple of sailors.

[laughs]

I said on your birthday. Now move it.

Don't forget you're taking your granddaughter to school today.

I know.

Come on, Angel, we're leaving!

I can't go to school. My water broke.

You sure you didn't just wet yourself?

'Cause the Crypt-Keeper over here does it all the time.

All right, let's go to the hospital.

Is this one gonna be the do-over baby?

[laughs]

You want me to take away your oxygen? You want me to?!

Come on!

Roscoe, we're leaving!

Hey! Who's gonna take me to my parole hearing?

Well?

I gotta go talk to my daughter.

You're not gonna finish your crème brûlée?

God, no.

You got a minute?

Not if you're gonna yell at me.

No, no more yelling. I just...

I want to apologize for being selfish.

I like where you'r going.

I was looking at your baby as a way to make up for the mistakes I made with you and Roscoe.

How would that work?

Uh, you know, this time I wouldn't be drunk, I wouldn't pass out at a PTA meeting... at the wrong school.

Yeah, that wasn't too embarrassing.

And I was excited for the new baby, you know?

Fresh out of the wrapper. Kind of a do-over.

That is so messed up.

What's really messed up is that I didn't realize you are my do-over baby.

I am?

[sighs]

Violet, you're breaking the cycle.

You're gonna have a better life than me, and you're making sure that this baby has one, too.

I've been doing some research online, and there's a lot of great couples that really want to start a family but can't.

You already found people?

Yeah.

Look at these two guys in San Francisco.

Mike's a hedge fund trader and André's a choreographer.

Oh, my God, look at their house.

Think they'd adopt a 35-year-old waitress?

You know, me and the baby, kind of a twofer?

[laughs]

I love you.

I love you, too.

[taps key]

Aw, look, they have a teacup poodle.

Big surprise.

Okay, we've made some real progress tonight.

You think?

Oh, yeah.

You've got a central character and premise for your musical.

You don't think the story's a turnoff?

No! A 40-year-old man who sleeps in the same bed with his mother is gonna speak to a lot of people.

Well, it's like you said, write what you know.

Next session, I expect to hear a verse and chorus for "Spooning Mama""

Hello.

Ah, my next client, right on time. Come on in.

She's a genius.

Without her, I wouldn't be a waitress.

Ooh!

Wow, he really believes you're a life coach.

Well, why wouldn't he?

The Louisiana State Bar believed I was an attorney.

I had three wins before I had to skedaddle.

Where's Violet?

She went to talk to Luke and his parents.

Oh, yeah, right.

You know, I've been thinking.

If you're jonesing for a baby, you could probably still pop one out.

Yeah, I guess so. Just have to meet the right guy.

You sure? That didn't stop you the first two times.

Dumb-ass crackers!

What's the matter?

Luke's parents. First they don't want a thing to do with this baby, and now they're freaking out because I'm giving up their beloved grandkid.

What about Luke?

He was useless.

Oh, and get this. Now his parents are insisting that they're going to adopt the baby.

What'd you tell them?

I told them that I don't want my kid being raised by religious fanatics. I want it raised by homosexuals!

You know, if they take her to court, she's gonna need a good lawyer.

Nooo!