01x20 - Clumsy Monkeys and a Tilted Uterus

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Where you been?

At the mall.

Wanted to buy you some pretty maternity clothes.

And?

There are none.

Here's a churro.

What's all this?

Mm.

The adoption agency sent over some more profiles.

What about the two guys you liked in San Francisco?

Yeah. I thought this was gonna be their "gayby."

They bailed.

What happened?

They asked if alcoholism runs in the family.

Our bad.

Sorry.

So, you find anyone else you like?

Yeah, lots of people. Um, these are the yeses.

And those are the nos?

No.

Those just fell and I wasn't able to pick them up.

Wow, all these people trying so hard to have a kid and they can't.

It's not fair.

Yeah, all I needed to have you was a bottle of Jack, an eight ball and a Supertramp album.

Aw... I can never hear that story enough.

So how's Luke doing?

He coming around to the idea of adoption?

I don't know. We're not talking.

I'm sorry.

I'm just hoping once I find the perfect couple, he'll realize that this is for the best.

Patty and Russell Callahan. These people seem okay.

Nice house, nice car. Uh-oh.

They got married at Disneyland. Losers.

Ooh. How about the Pattersons?

They're into fishing, hunting and amateur taxidermy.

Passeroo.

Mindy and Manny Klein.

"We may be barren, but we're really carin'."

No, thank you.

I'm kind of liking these people.

Jeff and Suzanne Taylor. They look sweet.

There's just something about this picture.

If I fell and scraped my knee, I'd want this lady to kiss my boo-boo.

She's an artist and he designs video games.

Cute house. Little log cabin-y, but...

Wait, that's their lake house. Let's see the house house.

All: Oh, my God.

1x20 - Clumsy Monkeys and a Tilted Uterus

To be honest, I've been really struggling the last couple of weeks.

My daughter's gonna have a baby next month and...

Group: Aw.

No, no, no. She's giving it up for adoption.

Group: Oh.

And that, right there, is the hardest part.

Telling people.

Just today I ran into a friend at the grocery store and she was all, "Oh, you must be so excited about becoming a grandmother."

[sighs] I had to go through the whole thing with her.

I'm thinking of just getting a T-shirt that says, "we're not keeping it."

You know, a little picture of a baby with a line through it.

[sighs] Anyway, my daughter's being strong, and I'm trying to be strong for her.

And my Mom's around.

Thank you.

[applause]

We'll take a ten-minute break.

Help yourself to coffee and cookies.

Uh, hey... actually, just coffee.

I was in charge of the cookies and the whole grandma thing happened at the store and... Sorry.

Hey. Hi. Christy, right?

Yeah. Hi, um...

Ooh, I know that you're two weeks sober and were touched inappropriately by your babysitter, but I don't remember your name.

Steve.

Steve! Right. Hi, Steve.

Um, this is my mother, Bonnie.

Hello.

Yeah, hi. Steve.

I got it.

Steve: So, listen.

Uh, just wanted to make you aware that I practice family law, and in the event that you're looking for an adoption attorney for your daughter, I'd like to offer my services.

Thanks, but we're good.

We're just gonna let the agency handle it.

Ooh, you don't want to do that.

Adoption agencies only care about one thing: placing the baby and getting their fee.

What do you care about?

Getting my fee.

And you, of course!

How much do you charge?

Well, my hourly rate is $400...

Whew.

$250.

Ha.

$120.

Whoo!

I can get my fee from the adoptive parents.

You're hired.

Welcome to the team.

I don't understand. Why do we need a lawyer?

Seriously? You grew up in this family and you're questioning the need for a lawyer?

Okay. Where'd you find this guy?

We, um...

...recently heard him speak at a social event.

Oh, God, he's a drunk?

He's not a drunk.

Anymore.

And he's free.

[sighs] Anyway, he says that you have to get Luke to sign his rights away before the adoption can go forward.

How could I do that? Luke's dead-set against it.

Hmm. Would you mind if I talked to him?

Yes, I would. Stay out of it.

Hey, I am just trying to help.

Believe me, I've got much better things to do with my time.

Next, please.

Hey, Luke.

Oh, hi!

Can we talk?

I'm actually kind of busy now.

Okay, I'll order something.

How's the fried fish sandwich?

It's a lightly-breaded seafood treat.

[quietly] I don't think it's really fish.

Okay, then, I'll take a cheeseburger.

One cheeseburger.

I need to talk to you about the adoption.

Yeah, I don't want to talk about that.

Would you like fries and a drink?

Sure. Small Coke.

Look, I know what it's like to have a baby at your age.

I struggled to make ends meet, and I'm still struggling.

If you get the large Coke, it's 50 cents cheaper and you get a free toy.

Sounds great.

One Happy Slappy Meal. Here or to go?

To go. Anyway, Violet found this wonderful couple who really want to adopt a baby, and they're coming by the house tomorrow.

That's $4.28.

[sighs] Why don't you just drop by and meet them and see what you think?

I already know what I think.

Come on, Luke.

Your order will be up in a minute. Next, please.

[baby crying]

Coincidence? I think not.

[mouthing]

Seriously? That's my lawyer?

You get what you pay for, honey.

Talk to him.

Well, isn't that rude?

He seems to be in the middle of a conversation.

Go.

What's going on, Counselor?

Nothing, everything's fine.

You sure?

No, I can't do it.

I've never practiced law without being loaded.

My brain is very angry at me.

We good here?

I think he's detoxing.

Really? You seemed fine at the meeting.

I was high as a kite at the meeting!

[doorbell rings]

Okay, that's the Taylors. Nobody be themselves.

Luke.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I came to meet this couple.

Violet: How'd you even know?

Your mother showed up at my job and told me.

I was in the mood for a Happy Slappy Meal.

Thanks.

So you're okay with all this?

I don't know. I'm just here to listen.

Knock, knock.

Hi.

You must be Violet.

Uh, yes.

I'm Suzanne. This is Jeff.

I'm Jeff.

Oh, please come in.

Hello.

This is my Mom Christy...

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

...and my grandmother Bonnie.

Nice to meet you.

And that's Luke, the baby's father.

Hello.

Hi.

Hey. Oh, um... sorry about the sweaty hands, I-I'm really nervous. [chuckles]

Me, too.

And, uh, this is our attorney, Steve Curtis.

[chuckles] We can discuss my fee later.

Please, come, sit down.

You have a lovely home.

Not really, but thank you.

Bonnie: So... you want to adopt a baby.

Yes, we do.

You're in luck. We have one.

Quiet time.

I read a lot of profiles, and yours really stuck out.

Oh, thanks.

Suzanne did the artwork, and I wrote the copy.

She wanted to go with the Helvetica font, uh, but I insisted on Courier to make it easier to read.

We compromised with Times New Roman.

Honey, they don't want to hear that.

Why? Everyone likes fonts.

I like fonts.

Wingdings are my favorite.

Do you have any questions you would like to ask us?

Why can't you have your own baby?

Luke.

No, that's a fair question.

We tried to get pregnant for many years. It just didn't work out.

She has a tilted uterus, and I have a low sperm count.

It's like sh**ting blanks into an empty canyon.

No matter how many times we had intercourse, nothing ever happened.

And we tried some pretty weird positions.

Please go back to fonts.

TMI?

TMI.

So, your profile said you design video games?

Yes, I design video games.

Is that still too much?

No, too little.

Um, do you know the game Clumsy Monkey?

No way. I love Clumsy Monkey.

How do you get past level seven?

Oh. [laughs] That stumps everyone.

You have to get the monkey through the China shop without breaking anything.

But he's so clumsy.

Try swinging from the chandelier.

The chandelier. Of course!

Anyway, we just want you to know that if you do choose us, we will do everything we can to give your baby a great life and love him or her with all of our hearts.

Hey, you're making the rest of us look pretty bad here, sister.

[laughs]

What do you think?

I think you're really nice people, and I hope you have your baby someday, but not this one.

Luke...

I'm sorry, I can't.

No, Luke. Luke...

[door closes]

[hushed] How am I doing?

I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

We've been through this before.

We had an adoption fall through last year.

We walked the birth mother through the whole pregnancy, decorated a nursery, were at the hospital for the birth, and then the mother changed her mind.

I actually tried using alcohol to numb my pain.

Well, we certainly understand that.

I just did not like how it made me feel.

And you lost us.

I think that if you give Luke a little more time, he'll come around.

I'm sorry, but we already drove home once with an empty baby seat in the back of the car.

We can't go through that again.

Let's go.

It was really nice to meet you.

It was nice meeting you.

Good luck.

[sighs]

I better go check on Violet.

Why don't you get rid of him.

[sobbing]

[knocking]

What you doing?

Tossing out all this college crap.

Why?

What do you mean, "Why?"

Because I'm not going. I'll keep the baby, and maybe when it's 16, 17 years old and hates my guts, then I'll look at college.

Oh, they hate you sooner than that.

Come on. Luke may still change his mind.

And just because we lost the Taylors doesn't mean there's not another great couple out there.

I wanted them.

You sure? He's kind of weird.

Yeah, but he's cool weird.

Big Bang weird.

And she's, like, the best mom you could ever ask for.

Okay, I'm just gonna let that go.

- You know what I mean.

I do. And I'm letting it go.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's better this way.

[footsteps]

Sorry to break this up, but we've got a lawyer on the roof.

Here you go. And enjoy your meal.

Excuse me, Christy.

Uh, a very young man is asking for you at the bar.

I'm making up next week's schedule.

Should I put you on it, or will you be going to jail?

What? No. He's my daughter's boyfriend.

It's too bad. I was in the mood to judge.

What are you doing here?

I need to talk.

But I'm in the middle of my shift.

Now you know how it feels.

Okay, what do you want?

I need some advice, and you're the smartest person I know.

Oh, well, thanks, and I'm sorry you don't know more people.

The reason I don't want to give the baby up is 'cause I don't want to lose Violet.

Wait, you're fighting this whole adoption thing because you're afraid she'll dump you?

Well, yeah. Violet's really smart.

Without the baby, she can go to college and be somebody.

And I'm probably gonna be flipping burgers for the rest of my life.

Oh, sweetie, that's the wrong reason to keep the baby.

What's the right reason?

'Cause you "want" a baby?

All I really want is Violet.

[sighs]

Look, I can't promise that the two of you are gonna be together for the rest of your lives, but I can promise you that if you use this kid as a bargaining chip, you guys are done.

You think?

You want to make sure that she doesn't outgrow you?

Then for heaven's sake, grow up.

Make something of yourself.

My father's pushing me to go to a Christian university and become a preacher.

That's cool. What's stopping you?

I only believe in God when I'm high.

All right, let's put a pin in that and keep thinking.

You're sure you're okay with all this?

Yeah.

Okay, Steve, you're up.

[sighs] Okay.

[lock ticks] Easy.

Easy.

Here you go.

The Relinquishment of Parental Rights. Sign here.

[sighs]

Proud of you. You did this without alcohol or dr*gs.

Thanks.

Thanks.

We're doing the right thing, Luke.

So what now?

I have to file this at court.

Can somebody give me a lift?

You don't have a car?

I have a car. I don't have a license.

We'll drive you. Come on.

Shotgun!

Do you still love me?

I never stopped loving you.

Smartest person I know.

[sighs] Can I say something horrible?

Since when do you ask?

I can't wait for this to be over.

I know.

I'm trying to hold it together for Violet, but it's like I'm waiting and waiting for my heart to break.

Yeah, this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

And I was raised by you.

Good one.

It wasn't a joke.

I just keep telling myself that my daughter's gonna have a better life because of this decision.

College, maybe graduate school.

Yeah. Why don't you go back to school?

Believe it or not, I've been thinking about it.

That's terrific. What do you want to do?

Promise not to laugh?

No.

Okay, well, ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a lawyer.

Really? What brought that about?

I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with watching the police haul my mother off to jail and wishing I could do something about it.

So what I'm hearing is I inspired you.

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, maybe you can ask Steve for some advice as to how to get started.

You know, after he stops hallucinating.

I just might.

Wow. This is exciting.

Right?

Come here.

I am so proud of you.

Thanks, Mom.

To be honest, I've always been a little embarrassed you were a waitress.

I just want you to know that you are always welcome to be a part of this baby's life. It's totally your call.

I would like that very much.

I'd like it, too.

Same for me.

Especially if we can visit at your lake house.

Hey, so what are your plans after high school?

I don't know. Probably go to the beach...

I think he means long-term.

Oh. No idea.

How'd you like to come and work for me, learn how to design video games?

Seriously?

Why not?

I was your age when I came up with Clumsy Monkey.

That's so weird. I was my age when I started playing it.

Then it's meant to be.

Thanks.

Oh, oh.

[whispers] You want another kid, just say the word.