02x02 - Figgy Pudding and the Rapture

Previously on Mom...

Who are you?

Who are you?

Landlord.

Can I ask what this is about?

Who are you?

Really? We're starting over?

Okay, I'm her mother.

You're living here?

Absolutely not.

Good, 'cause your living here... rent will be higher.

No, no, we wouldn't want it to be higher.

Your daughter... Three months behind on rent.

Really?

48 hours she don't pay, I send sheriff for eviction.

Remember how I used to bet on football and basketball and such?

Yeah. You sucked at it.

Still do.

You gambled away the rent money?!

We never had rent money.

I gambled away what little we had on the hopes of getting the rent money.

Pack your stuff, Roscoe.

We're going on a surprise vacation.

Bonnie: Pack up, Violet. We're skipping out on the rent.

Violet: This place sucks, mom.

Look on the bright side.

We finally have HBO.

Mom?

What?

I'm going for a swim.

Okay.

Wait. What?

Roscoe: Cannonball!

(Water splashing)

Roscoe?!

Stay where I can see you!

What's going on?

Oh! Your brother still thinks we're on vacation.

Nothing like a motel room in the morning to make you want to kill yourself.

Oh, come on.

It's not so bad.

Beds are comfortable, we've got hot water.

There's even a safe in the closet.

Great. A place to store all our disappointments.

How long are we gonna be homeless?

Hey, hey, hey, we are not homeless.

Mom, tell her.

Tell her what?

Tell her that everything's gonna be fine.

Why would I do that?

Violet, this is just temporary.

Trust me, I have a plan.

Roscoe, put the dead bird down!

I still have a good job, your grandma's life-coaching business is starting to pick up.

Well...

What?

Nothing.

You'll see.

Everything'll be fine.

That's what you said when you drew a mustache on me, and we drove out of phoenix in the middle of the night.

Now... hang on.

That was not a rent issue.

What was it?

It was a drug deal gone bad.

You never hear about the ones that go good.

The point is, there's no use in dwelling in the past.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go prepare myself to take on the day.

To build a better tomorrow for myself and my family.

(Crying): Oh, God, we are so screwed.

Sweetie, we can hear you.

Mom - 02x02 Figgy Pudding and the Rapture

(In husky voice): All right, boys, here are your drinks.

Thank you.

Oopsie. Somebody dropped a napkin.

(Sighs)

Here you go.

(Laughs)

That's better.

(Sighs)

Okay, let me just tell you about today's special.

We have a succulent chicken paillard that's been pounded very hard, just the way the chicken likes it.

I will let you fellas think about that for a second.

Ooh, somebody's been working out.

Walk with me.

What's going on?

This is a four-star restaurant, and you're doing everything but give these people lap dances.

Don't talk to table two.

Christy, I know you're trying to make money, but you can't let men objectify you.

Did you get a boob job?

No, I just stuffed my bra with my kid's tube socks.

Really? It's very effective.

Regardless, you need to dial it back.

I can't. I'm in trouble.

I need cash in a hurry.

In fact, I was gonna wait till after my shift was over to ask you, but since we're talking about it now, I was hoping that maybe you could lend me...

Really?

You just walk away?

(Sighs)

Son of a bitch!

I like this new thing you're doing with your breasts.

Here, knock yourself out.

Mmm. Still warm.

So what's going on? Back on the pole?

I wish.

I'd make more money than I'm making here.

Aw, money problems. I'm sorry.

Thanks.

You know, I could possibly help.

Really?

That'd be so great.

I promise I'll pay you right back.

Oh, the arrangement I'm thinking of wouldn't require any payback.

It's more of a services-rendered-in-the-back-of-my-car sort of thing.

That's it? You just walk away?

Give me my boobs back.

Okay, let's see.

I've got Alaskan king crab, leg of lamb, Chateaubriand.

Can't we ever have burgers and fries?

When I start working at McDonald's and stealing their food, yes.

So you guys are, like, homeless, huh?

Hey, hey, hey!

We're on vacation.

Limited choices in the vending machine.

I got a Shasta, a Mr. Pibb and something called “Hola Cola.”

Okay, before we start, I think we should say a little prayer of thanks.

For what?

For this delicious food that rich people didn't finish.

And more importantly, for sticking together as a family.

(In Cockney accent): God bless us, everyone.

Pass the figgy pudding.

(Knocking)

Who could that be?

Well, we can rule out housekeeping.

It's just the girl I'm sponsoring.

You invited her here?

Why not?

We have nothing to be ashamed of.

I disagree.

Jill!

Hi, come on in.

Hey, what are you doing in a motel?

They're not homeless if that's what you're thinking.

Uh...

We're here temporarily until our new place is decorated.

Can't live in a car without curtains.

It's so weird.

My coke dealer used to live right down the hall.

I knew I'd been here before!

Okay, let me introduce you to my family.

You know Bonnie.

This is my daughter Violet, her boyfriend Luke, my son Roscoe.

You guys are really lucky to have a mom who's so together.

Exactly how long have you been sober?

11 days.

Can you believe it?

Yes.

Christy, can I have a word with you in the east wing?

Excuse me.

We have a pool.

I know.

That's where they found my dealer.

She's a great gal, huh?

Yeah. I don't know if this is the hola cola talking, but are you out of your mind?

What?

With everything that's going on, you are helping her?

Yes.

It's called giving back.

But you have nothing to spare.

Mom, we're gonna be fine.

You got to stay positive.

Okay. I'm positive you have nothing to spare.

(Phone rings)

Oh, it's Alvin.

Does your father know about our little situation here?

No, I don't want him to worry.

What's to worry about? I thought you said everything's fine.

It is fine.

Then answer the phone.

Okay, I will.

(Ringing continues)

(Ringing stops)

I missed him.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Christy?

Oh.

Hi.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I asked you first.

I'm Roscoe's dad.

I'm Roscoe's grandfather.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Yeah.

What-what are you doing here?

Oh. I live in my van, so I take a shower whenever the opportunity presents itself.

A bucket and a rag can only get you so far.

All right.

Uh, where is everybody?

I don't know. I came by last night, nobody here.

Crashed on the couch. Woke up this morning, still nobody here.

The-the TV's gone.

Oh. That rules out the rapture.


Who are you?

Who are you?

I'm the owner of this house.

Just a heads up... the water pressure in the shower's a little low. You might want to check on that.

I'll check it...

Right after I shoot you.

Now, who are you?

I'm Christy's ex-husband.

And I'm her father.

Oh, really?

Did you know your daughter took her family and ran out in the middle of the night to beat me out of the rent?

My daughter wouldn't do that.

(Whispering): Yes, she would.

(Mouthing)

(Whispering): What are you doing?

I'm praying.

How's it going?

You tell me.

Are we still here?

Listen, I'm sorry I've been giving you a hard time.

I know you're doing the best you can.

Wow.

One of my prayers just got answered.

What else you asking for?

Oh, you know...

For God to give me a little guidance, maybe a house.

Why not a rich guy who likes kids?

I'm trying to ask for things that really exist.

Come to bed. Get some rest.

Yeah.

Wait.

Amen.

(Sighs)

It's important to let him know you're done.

(Fast, heavy footsteps)

What the hell?

What's going on?

Back in your room, ma'am!

Oh.

Officer: Police! (Crashing)

(Exclaims) Everybody, get down!

Oh!

(Knocking)

Hi.

What's going on?

God wants us to live with you.

(Grinding)

Hey! Oh!

(Grinding stops)

Sorry, I have to feed the kitties.

Smell that?

That's the smell of loneliness.

Marjorie, I, uh, can't thank you enough for taking us in.

Oh, of course, sweetie, it's nice to have the company.

Love my cats, but they don't ask me how my day was.

Neither will I.

I'll be at the pool.

Oh, honey, Marjorie doesn't have a pool.

HBO?

Sorry.

(Sighs) Worst vacation ever.

So, did you sleep okay?

As good as I could with my cat allergies.

Aw, poor dear.

Yeah, my nose is stuffy, my throat's scratchy, and my eyes are all puffy.

Aw.

I'll pick you up some Benadryl on my way home from the chemo.

Thank you.

Take your time.

Bye.

(Sighs)

I love her, but she plays that cancer card an awful lot.

Ooh, smoothies.

Violet, no!

Stop!

Hope you enjoyed your meal.

Just a reminder, all of my tips are donated directly to the homeless.

Hi.

Dad. Hi.

What kind of a person skips out on their rent?

That's it?

You just walk away?

Man, he really tore me a new one.

I was shaking after he left the restaurant.

You try blaming me?

Of course.

First words out of my mouth.

He said I was a grown woman and I need to take responsibility for my actions.

What a douche.

Hey.

Do me a favor.

Keep an eye on your brother.

We're going to a meeting.

Yeah, like that'll help.

What?

You've been going to these stupid things for a year, and where are we?

You're kidding, right?

I am sober.

You're a loser.

You take that back.

Make me.

Wait, wait.

If you guys are gonna do this, let's get a mud pit and make some money.

This is all your fault.

You ruined my life.

I ruined it?

I'm the reason you got pregnant?

I'm the reason you sit around all day doing nothing?

Instead of bitching and moaning, why don't you go to school, get a job, make something of yourself!

I hate you.

(Cat yowls)

I'm not wrong.

She needs to grow up and start making smart decisions.

Yep.

If only she had some role models.

And now I hate you.

Hi, I'm Christy.

I'm an alcoholic.

Group: Hi, Christy.

Not done.

I'm also a liar, a lousy mother and a deadbeat.

She also farts under the covers and blames the cats.

It's weird.

When everything in my life was falling apart, I was doing fine.

I was handling.

And then when things started going good, I fell apart.

Started gambling again.

I got my family evicted.

I put us all in danger.

I'm sure you read about the meth lab at the motel that blew up.

They were our neighbors.

Well, they were a couple doors down.

Our actual neighbors were making some kind of p0rn.

Anyway, I do have two things I can hold on to.

Through it all, I've stayed sober, and...

I've also helped someone else stay sober.

What up, bitches?!

Ha!

Hi!

Okay, one thing.

I mean, what the hell?

He said he's gonna leave me if I don't stop drinking, so I stop drinking, and what does he do?

Files for divorce.

So what do I do?

What anybody would do.

I set his bobble-head collection on fire.

You should've seen it.

200 flaming heads.

Ha!

Yeah.

Okay, let's get some sleep.

This'll all seem much worse in the morning.

Where are we gonna sleep?

Don't worry, once she's out, we'll roll her onto the floor.

Oh, look, another success story.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna go stay with my friend, Sarah.

Okay.

When are you coming back?

I'm not.

What are you talking about?

I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm done with all this.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

No one is done until I say we're done.

We're a family.

We stick together, no matter what.

Why?

Nothing about us works.

Thank you for your hospitality, Marjorie.

You're welcome, dear.

Damn it, Violet, I forbid you to go.

I am 18.

I can do whatever the hell I want.

Bye, Grandma.

Violet, don't.