02x07 - Soapy Eyes and a Clean Slate

[bunniefuu]

Hi, I'm Christy.

I will be your server tonight.

Let me tell you about our specials.

We have a lovely grilled salmon on a bed of... holy crap.

(clears throat)

She meant to say jasmine rice. Excuse me.

What was that?

I can't go back in there.

Ever?

There's this girl I went to high school with sitting at the bar.

Don't tell me, you screwed her over.

Why would you say that?

What, you sleep with her boyfriend?

Get out of my head!

Come on.

I-It was a long time ago. I'm sure she's over it.

You think?

No idea.

Just need to get you back to work.

Table four... you sleep with anybody there?

No. Wait.

No.

Good. Take them their entrees.

Try not to bang anyone on the way.

I can't promise anything.

(sighs)

Sobriety has not made her any less crazy.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Enjoy your meal.

Christy?

Jessica?

It's so good to see you!

Oh, it's... good to see you.

What's it been, like, 20 years?

Yeah, I guess. (chuckles)

How's life?

Great. Couldn't be happier.

And you?

I think my apron says it all. (chuckles)

Oh. (laughs)

Well, I'll let you get back to it.

(chuckles)

See you at the next reunion.

(chuckles) I can't wait.

Jessica?

Hang on.

Yeah?

Something's been bothering me for a really long time, and I need to clear the air.

You mean with you and Tony?

We were kids. Forget about it.

Oh, thank you.

(chuckles)

I can't tell you how much this has haunted me.

Aw, all's forgiven.

Oh, great!

You know, in a way, I kind of did you a favor.

I mean, that clown slept with everybody.

He did?

Oh, my God.

Half the girls in our class and a couple of the moms.

Lunch lady gave him extra tater tots, if you know what I mean.

Really?

And from what I hear, he is still a full-on man whore.

Sorry I'm late, honey.

Tony?

Christy?

You and Jessica are still...

Got to go.

So, I hear you folks are celebrating an anniversary.

I really thought by apologizing to Jessica I was doing a good thing.

You know?

Making an amends.

It was a good thing.

Except for probably breaking up their marriage.

Yeah, they did not stay for dinner.

I hate to be a stick-in-the-mud...

No, you don't.

...but next time you're fixing the past, try not to break the present.

Boy, you're like an embroidered pillow with feet.

Okay, let's see if I can do better this time.

Marjorie, I'd like to make a proper amends to you.

What for, sweetie?

You lent me money, and I never paid you back.

Hey, I lent you money.

Yeah. And you were never there when I was growing up.

We're square.

Anyway, I've been working extra shifts, so here it is.

Thank you.

I really appreciate this.

Now, what about your landlord?

What about him?

Christy, you skipped out on the rent.

You got to make that right.

Or I could give you an extra $20 and we all forget about it.

You know, if you want to clean house, you got to vacuum under the couch.

Another pillow. Good for you.

Marjorie, I owe him $4,000.

I couldn't make that right if I wanted to.

Offer him a payment plan.

Give him... I don't know... 50 bucks a month.

50 bucks a month?

That's gonna take, like...

Both: Six and a half years.

Damn. Drug dealers are so good at math.

(sighs)

$50? You owe me $4,000!

But I don't have $4,000.

Then you don't have your hand!

(screaming)

(exhales)

Come in.

Ooh, I just did my nails.

Mr. Perugian?

Crusty Plunkett.

What do you want?

Uh, well, first of all, hello.

Okay. Um... you might not remember this, but I kind of sort of ran out on the rent.

$4,227.

Okay, in my mind, I had rounded it down, but, uh, that sounds about right.

Anyway, um, I... want to apologize.

I was totally wrong, and I...

You have my money?

Not all of it, no.

Just this.

$50?

Ooh.

Yes, I plan to pay you this every month...

Week.

Week. (chuckles)

That's what I meant.

I will come here every week and give you $50.

You don't have such a great history of coming to me with money. I'll come to you.

Where do you live?

Uh, 7219 Sycamore...

Liar!

6423 Sherborn, apartment 1B.

Come on in.

Thank you.

How do you like my post-divorce digs?

Came furnished.

Did they give you a noose or you have to supply your own?

Come on, it's not so bad.

I get home from work around 6:00, microwave dinner, go down to the rec room, play a little Ping-Pong with the other divorced guys, watch some TV, and before you know it, it's 6:30.

Is that an electric oven?

Yeah.

Good.

So what's up? Why the cryptic text message?

Well, I had some things I wanted to talk to you about, and I wanted to do it face-to-face.

I'm sorry.

About what?

I don't know. It's just a reflex.

Take it easy.

This isn't about you; it's about me.

I need to apologize for the stuff I did to you.

Really?

Wow, my sphincter just relaxed.

What do you have to apologize for?

I'm the one that left you.

Yes, and God is clearly punishing you for that.

But if our relationship is going to move forward, I need to take responsibility for the mess I made.

Okay, I accept your apology.

No, I need to tell you all the things that I did and then ask for your forgiveness.

How many things we talking?

Ooh. (sputters)

About 118.

But there are a couple of things I did twice, so it's up to you if you want to count those separately.

Okay, let 'er rip.

January 7, 1976... the night we met.

I stole $100 out of your wallet.

You said that was my buddy Wayne.

I never talked to him again!

If you're gonna flip out over each one of these, it's gonna take a lot longer than it needs to.

January 8, 1976. I slept with Wayne.

What?!

In my defense, I was trying to console him because he was so upset about your friendship ending.

Delivery.

Eh, put it anywhere.

How was the movie?

We didn't go to a movie. We went to a museum instead.

Really? So you did something educational?

No, it was fun.

Did you guys eat dinner?

Yeah, my girlfriend packed us some veggie wraps, so we stopped at Jack in the Box.

All right, fine.

Go do your homework and then get ready for bed.

See you next weekend, buddy.

Love you, Dad.

Love you, too.

Well, I am very impressed.

You're doing a great job with him.

Thank you.

And you really turned your life around.

Good job, solid relationship with Candace.

Yeah, I'm not cheating on her at all.

Boyfriend of the year.

I'm glad you feel that way because I've been wanting to ask you something important.

Anything.

How would you feel about Roscoe coming to live with me and Candace for a while?

What?

You know, we got the big house, and it's right by his school.

He's got his own room.

We're even thinking about getting a dog.

Are you out of your mind?

Come on, Christy, he sleeps in the closet here.

It's a bonus room!

Okay, calm down. I don't want to fight.

No one's fighting.

I am calmly telling you that you are a loser, you'll always be a loser, and you're not gonna take my kid away from me.

Your kid?

We made him together!

I was in that bathroom stall, too!

Forget it! It's not gonna happen!

Now get out!

All right, but I think you should know that Candace's brother is a lawyer, and he says I have rights.

Really? You want to bring a lawyer into this?

Then you better bring a g*n, too!

I'm telling my lawyer you said that!

Okay, home stretch. March 11, 1978.

Your grandmother got arrested at the airport carrying a bag of my weed.

You made my Nana a mule?

I didn't plan it.

I saw a drug-sniffing dog coming, I panicked and stuffed it in her wheelchair.

Before you say anything, they let her go, and I told her if she kept it a secret, I'd give her a great-grandchild.

Here's a big one.

Your cousin David. You still in touch with him?

Yeah, we're very close.

Okay, well, then I'm just gonna skip that.

And finally, about a year after you left me...

Well, this is a tough one.

Not proud of this.

I set your vintage Corvette on fire.

I never owned a Corvette.

Really?

Okay, I'm gonna have to track that guy down.

Wow!

I should have done this years ago.

I feel great.

Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Yeah, good for you.

No, good for us.

We have a clean slate, fresh start, nothing's stopping us.

Sorry, I can't do this now.

You need to take a pill?

How could you do all that stuff to me?

Okay, clearly you don't understand how this works.

See, this is the part where you forgive me.

Yeah, well, I don't think I can.

Hey, I forgave you for walking out on me.

After hearing all this, walking out on you was the smartest thing I ever did!

Okay, I think this party's over.

Just so you know, you have ruined this amends for me!

Hey, how'd it go with Dad?

Oh, we hate him now.

We do?

Yup.

I'm gonna need you to step up.

Well, uh, you can join me in hating Baxter.

Dumb-ass wants Roscoe to live with him.

You're kidding.

Completely forgetting that three months ago, he was living in his van, smoking pot out of an apple, then giving Roscoe the apple.

Can you check my homework, Mom?

What? Oh, yeah, sure.

(clears throat) Okay.

“Train A leaves the station traveling at 30 miles per hour, and Train B leaves..”

You know what?

I have a better math problem for you.

This is the one the teacher's looking for, but okay.

Train A is leaving with your mommy.

Train B is leaving with your daddy.

Which train would you rather be on?

Where's Dad's train going?

Loserville.

Where's your train going?

Disneyland.

Seriously?

Stay out of it, Violet.

And my train stops for ice cream on the way.

Let me think.

What's there to think about?

I could be the King of Loserville.

Oh, come on, make a decision.

Roscoe, leave your homework with me.

Mom's not good at math.

You are scary.

No, what's scary is the idea of Baxter trying to parent him.

That's not fair. When you guys were together, Baxter was a pretty good dad.

Are you seriously defending him?

Do you believe this?

I'm just here as your mother. I don't want to get involved.

Baxter did nothing but smoke pot, sit on the couch and yell the wrong answers at Jeopardy.

Never once in the form of a question.

While you got drunk and disappeared for days.

That's not true.

Remember Roscoe's first-grade graduation?

Of course you don't.

You were too hung-over to get out of bed.

But Baxter was there.

Really?

Well, he went to the third grade graduation first, but eventually he found the right room.

Fine. He showed up to one event.

Hooray for Baxter.

Let's put him on a stamp.

You may not want to remember what went on around here, but I do.

Don't worry.

She's smoking pot now, so her memories will fade.

(phone ringing)

Building manager.

Hello, Joanne Wickie in 3B.

What can I do for you?

Hot water cut off in the middle of your shower again?

I'll be right over.

Hey, do me a favor. Put on a robe this time.

I know you're comfortable with your body, but I'm not.

I blame Lena Dunham.

Hey.

Oh. Hello.

Got a minute?

I'm on my way to see a 300-pound naked woman with soap in her eyes, so... yes.

I wanted to apologize for the way I acted the other day.

Keep going.

I realized the only reason you told me all those things was so we could start fresh, and I really want that.

You didn't have to come all the way over here for that.

You could have just called.

I know, but then I couldn't do this.

(laughs)

Bravo!

(laughs)

(sighs)

I couldn't have done it without you.

35 years. Worth the wait.

Oh. Is it just me, or is sex better now than when we were kids?

Well, it's longer.

(both laugh)

(sighs) It is better.

Yeah. (laughs)

Oh.

You know, I was thinking about all the secrets you unloaded on me.

Yeah?

And I thought maybe I should do the same, clean the slate.

That's great.

Okay, here's something you never knew that's always sort of bothered me.

Ooh!

You remember that Labor Day weekend you spent in jail 'cause I couldn't afford to bail you out?

Yeah?

I had the money, but I just needed a break from you.

(laughs): Come on, that's funny.

Bonnie: Get out!

I like you, Dave, but I can't go any lower on this car without checking with my manager.

Wish me luck.

(scoffs) Luck.

(laughs)

Hey.

Baxter, got a minute?

Oh. Hello, Christy.

I'm being aloof because of our fight the other day, unless you're here to buy a car, in which case you look lovely.

I wanted to talk to you about Roscoe.

I'm listening.

I'm sorry I said all those awful things about you.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was talking to Violet, and she reminded me of a couple important factors.

Did she now?

You did a lot of good stuff for my kids when I wasn't there for them, and I never thanked you.

So... thank you.

And I'm sorry.

Hey, is this one of those amends things?

I guess it is.

Cool, I've never gotten one of those.

Bring it in. Bring it in, come on.

I'm just scared that now that you have a beautiful house and a pool and this great new life that Roscoe will never want to come back to my place.

Of course he will.

Why?

Are you kidding?

Because you're there.

Oh, God, I'm not sure I can deal with you turning into a decent human being.

It's weird, right?

Does this mean you're gonna let him live with me?

(sighs)

How about every other week?

That's great. Thank you.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Wait. Christy...

I got to tell you something.

What?

There will never be a better time to put yourself in a pre-owned four-wheel-drive hatchback.

Good-bye, Baxter.

This is your lucky day, Dave.

My manager says we have a deal!

44, 45...

Hang on, hang on.

Uh, 25 cents, 50 cents...

We set a schedule.

How is this a surprise to you?

Mom, you got five bucks?

Yeah, hold on.

Here you go.

Ladies, your tea is getting cold.

Who's that?

A... friend of ours.

She spoken for?

Just by some cats.

Could you make an introduction?

Sure, I guess.

For 50 bucks.

What?

(mocking accent): You want to haggle, it's a hundred.

Okay.

Uh, would you like to come in for some tea?

Sure.

You realize we just pimped out our dearest friend for 50 bucks.

I think he overpaid.