02x18 - Dropped Soap and a Big Guy on a Throne

[bunniefuu]

Hello? Mom!

Bonnie: Christy?

Can you help me with the groceries?

Help!

Yeah, I need your help!

No! I need your help!

'Cause your life's more important than mine.

Damn it! Get your ass up here!

Well, I know what this is about.

Hurry!

Relax.

I splurged and got the kind the bears like.

Oh, my God! What happened?!

I threw my back out really bad.

How?

I was taking a shower.

I bent down to pick up the soap.

And?

That's it!

How did you get out of the shower?

I don't know. Gravity.

Should I call 911?

No, just get me to the bed.

Okay, well, can you stand up?

Do you think if I could stand up, I might've done that by now?

Good point.

Oh! That's too much Mommy naked.

(clears throat)

All right, well... let's try this.

(grunting)

Oh!

Sorry!

Ow!

Sorry!

Oh! Aah!

Sorry!

(sighing)

How do you want to do this next part?

Rent a crane?

Pull me to my knees.

(both grunting)

(panting, groaning)

Okay, now what?

We take a break.

This is crazy!

Why don't I call a doctor?

No!

Why not?

I didn't sign up for ObamaCare, okay?

I forgot.

Now lift my ass so it's parallel to the bed.

All right.

(yells)

This reminds me of my eighth birthday.

What are you talking about?

You passed out at Chuck E. Cheese, and me and the big rat had to get you out of the ball pit.

That didn't happen.

Yeah, okay, and the rat wasn't sitting at the breakfast table when I came down in the morning.

You ready?

Uh... yeah.

On the count of three.

One... (yelling)

What was that?!

I didn't want you to tense up.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay!

(panting)

All right, well, do you want to change into something more comfortable than a shower curtain?

No! I like my shower curtain.

We've been through a lot together.

How about some aspirin?

Yeah, with a heroin chaser.

Here we go.

I'm not a dog!

Uh, okay.

I'm gonna go put the groceries away.

Is there anything else I can do?

Put a pillow over my face and finish the job.

So tempting.

(crying)

Mom, it's gonna be okay.

No, it's not.

I have to pee.

Oh, hi, Candace.

Is Baxter around?

Ah, in the pool with Roscoe.

Isn't that nice? (chuckles)

No, I don't think I can come by and take a dip.

Uh, actually, that's why I'm calling.

My mom threw her back out last night, and I was wondering if you could keep Roscoe for another day or two.

Oh, thanks.

That-that really helps me out.

(laughs)

Yeah, sure.

I can see how he might get confused as to where his real home is.

Hang on a second.

I hate you, you miserable cow.

(yells)

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Still not funny.

I really think we should take you to the doctor.

I'm fine.

Mom, seriously, you need to...

I said I'm fine.

I just need some coffee.

Would you like me to get it for you?

No!

Gonna get it myself.

Okay. (clears throat)

But this is going on YouTube.

Welcome to Profiles in Courage.

Injured in a tragic soap retrieval accident, Bonnie Plunkett is now attempting to live a normal life.

Let's watch.

Don't make me hurt you.

Oh, please try.

Please?

These simple tasks you and I take for granted require a heroic effort from the plucky Plunkett.

Do we have any straws?

Top shelf.

(grunting)

Can I help you now?

Let me hear the words.

Help me!

Good.

I'm gonna take you to the clinic.

(grunting)

Uh, uh, here we go.

Slowly.

Slowly, slowly.

Okay.

(gasping)

Oh! (crying)

Come on, Mom.

Everything's gonna be fine.

No, it's not!

I have to pee again! (crying)

Well, you really shouldn't drink so much coffee.

(sputters)

I can't believe we have to wait this long to see a doctor.

I think the bleeding people go first.

Fine, then s*ab me.

Mrs. Plunkett?

It's Ms.

He means me.

I'm the Ms. he means.

Hello.

Hi. All right.

Let's take a look here.

Do you want me to disrobe?

That's okay.

How about me?

What were you doing when you injured your back?

(laughs) Skiing.

She fell in the shower.

At the ski resort.

(grunting)

It's probably just a severe muscle spasm.

It happens to people your age.

There's the s*ab.

We'll take a few X-rays just to be sure.

But if everything looks okay, we'll just send you home with some pain pills.

Ooh! Ooh!

Problem?

I'm in recovery.

I have to be, uh, careful with that stuff.

So, do you not want me to... ?

No, no.

I didn't say that.

Because stretching exercises could also...

Hang on. How do we do this?

I'll call Marjorie.

Oh, God! We know what she's gonna say.

Pills. P-I-L-L-S.

People In Life Losing Sobriety.

Shhh. Hang on.

Marjorie?

Here, talk to Bonnie.

Yeah, hey, listen. Um...

I'm at the clinic. I hurt my back.

Doctor wants to give me pain pills.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

She wants to talk to you.

Hi.

No, she's not faking.

Hang on.

She wants to talk to you.

Hello?

One every four hours as needed for pain.

Hold on.

Back to you.

Yes, he is as hot as he sounds.

Okay, unless the phone's gonna do another lap, I'll go order the X-rays.

Bye. Bye.

Thanks, Marjorie.

Yeah, I understand.

Got it.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

She says it shouldn't be a problem as long as you monitor how many pills I take.

It's my tenth birthday all over again.

Okay, it's 11:00.

No more until 3:00 a.m.

Assuming I'm in pain.

Exactly. Might not even need it.

Look at us being responsible with dr*gs.

Right? "Take as directed."

It's hilarious.

(deep male voice): Hey, baby. Miss me?

Coming to bed?

Coming.

'Cause I miss you.

Hi, I'm Bonnie. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Bonnie.

Thanks for bringing the meeting here.

The pain meds are helping a little, but I still can't get out of the house.

Did they give you the 500 milligrams or the 750s?

750s.

(all oohing)

God, why can't I be old and fall in the shower?

Yeah, well, anyway, uh, pills were never my thing, so it's not a big deal.

Are you swallowing them or are you snorting them?

I'm taking them as directed.

I don't understand.

She's following the doctor's orders.

And I'm proud of her.

Me, too.

Thank you.

Anyway, that's... that's all from me.

Thanks, Bonnie.

Who wants to go next?

Can we at least see them?

Who wants to go next?

I'll go. (clears throat)

Hi, I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Christy.

Okay, well, I'm glad my mom is handling the pain pills so well, 'cause I got to tell you, just having them in the house is a little tricky for me.

When I was drinking and using, those things were like candy.

Like M&M's without the calories.

Pills were always a way for me to escape reality, and lately it's been something I've been kind of wanting to do.

Between my 19-year-old daughter moving in with her middle-aged fiancé...

(whispers): 42.

(whispers): Ew!

And my son who'd rather spend his weekends with his father and his rich new girlfriend with the boob job and the Botox and the lips and...

No offense.

And on top of that, there's work and school and, you know, North Korea.

And it all goes away with a couple of pills, two bottles of red wine and a big fat joint.

A big fatty.

But... you know what else goes away?

My family, my freedom, my friends.

Pretty much everything that's important to me.

Anyway, I'm just glad you all came over.

It really helps to share.

Speaking of which, you're gonna love this.

Christy: Welcome to Profiles in Courage.

All right, I'm going to work.

Do you need anything?

I'm fine.

Got my chips, got some tea, got my remote.

Do you need to go pee-pee?

No.

Okay, you can take another pill in two hours or as needed for pain.

You got it, boss.

See you later then.

And I like that.

Keep calling me that.

(turns TV off)

"As needed."

Well, let's see.

Okay.

Not there.

Oh, yeah, it's needed!

(deep male voice): Hi, beautiful.

No.

Why you playing hard to get?

(sighs)

Oh, who am I kidding?

(high voice): Don't do it, Bonnie!

Don't do it!

(doorbell rings)

Hi, have you heard the good news?

I have not. Come on in. Tell me all about it.

Um, okay.

Thanks.

Please, sit.

I'm Bonnie, by the way.

Hi, Bonnie. I'm Cliff.

And I'm Chip.

Of course you are!

So, tell me about your god.

Is he a big guy on a throne or is he just everywhere?

Um, I like the everywhere idea.

Me, too. Up top.

Oh!

(both laugh)

Okay, let's hear the pitch.

Oh, okay, um, so your immortal soul...

Oh!

Hold that thought.

I'm gonna rustle us up some pork chops.

Oh.

Does your god let you eat pork?

Uh, yeah.

Sign me up!

We are getting really good at this!

Okay, I like everything I'm hearing.

Love the angels, golden scrolls.

Forgiveness of sins... Very big issue for me.

But here's a hypothetical.

Let's say I do something really bad.

And I'm not talking masturbation.

Everybody masturbates.

I'm thinking I k*ll a couple of guys.

What's your church's forgiveness policy on that?

Wha... ?

What couple of guys you talking about?

I don't know. Anybody who pisses me off.

(bell dings) Ooh! Apple turnovers.

We've got to get out of here.

I left my Bible!

I'll get you another one!

Oh, hey.

Hey. How are you feeling?

Oh, not so good.

Sleeping on this couch didn't do me any favors.

When was the last time you took a pill?

Ooh. (sputters)

Not since you left.

Mom, don't be a hero.

Wait here. I'll go get you one.

Thanks.

Where'd this come from?

Do you need anything before I get into bed?

No, I'm doing pretty good over here.

How are you doing?

Well, I'll admit...

I was kind of wrestling with these pills being around.

But sharing about it really helped.

Sure? 'Cause the minute those things thr*aten your sobriety, just say the word, I'll flush them.

Wow. You have changed so much.

(laughs)

I guess I have.

All right, good night.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Now what?

Nothing. I just got to pee.

(knocking)

Good news.

Your X-rays look fine.

Oh, great! I'd hate to have slipped a disk or something.

(chuckles) Help me down?

Oh, sure.

Thanks, Doc.

Ooh.

Still pretty tender, huh?

Yeah. No more snowboarding for this gal.

You know, I'm happy to prescribe some pain medication.

Gosh, uh, I don't know.

As an athlete, I try to stay away from that stuff.

Please, let me write you a prescription.

Eh... all right.

Make it for the 750s.

(growls)