02x21 - Patient Zero and the Chocolate Fountain

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Mom... (Phone vibrates)

Hello?

Bonnie: Christy.

Where are you?

Uh... uh...

I'm in jail.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Yeah, just got a DUI.

How could you let me spend a night in jail?

How could you lie to me about getting loaded again?!

It's not my fault.

I was prescribed those painkillers.

I am the victim here.

How'd you blow a one-one on the Breathalyzer?

Easy, I was drinking to forget I was hooked on painkillers.

I really appreciate you coming with me.

Hey, it's like the old days, except you didn't have to write me a note to get me out of school.

Do you think your lawyer friend knows what he's doing?

He's had three DUls himself, and he's not in jail, so yeah.

Good news.

I took a whiz next to the judge... he doesn't remember me.

Also he's doing this for free.

So, listen, I spoke to the D.A. and got the charges reduced from DUI to reckless driving, which means you can get your license back, and you only have to do 20 hours of community service.

20 hours?

Mm.

Can't you go back to the men's room and get it down to ten?

Hey, I'm a two-bit lawyer, not a two-bit whore.

Some might call that "potato-potato."

Trust me, this is a good deal.

All you have to do is tell the judge you're very sorry, and it'll never happen again.

But when do I get a chance to tell my side of the story?

Here's what you do: go down to the park, find a homeless guy, give him a sandwich, and while he's eating, tell him your side of the story.

You're not taking me seriously.

No fooling you.

Mom, just do what he says.

But the thing is...

Here comes the thing... She always has a thing.

The thing is, I was prescribed those painkillers.

Mom, Mom.

"I'm very sorry. It will never happen again."

Okay, okay.

Bonnie Plunkett?

Here we go.

Present, Your Honor.

Miss Plunkett, I see here that you are pleading guilty to the lesser charge of reckless driving.

That's correct, Your Honor.

Is there anything you have to say before I sentence you?

I'm very sorry, and it will never happen again.

But the thing is...

Son of a bitch.

I was prescribed highly-addictive painkillers for a back injury, so in a way, I am the victim of Big Pharma.

Say good-bye to your mother.

How was school today?

Fine.

How was court?

You told him?

Why not? I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Yes, you do.

It's not Grandma's fault, it's a big farmer.

Big Pharma.

That's what I said.

Let's (clears throat) change the subject.

How'd you do on your math test?

I got a hundred.

Way to go!

That's also how many hours Grandma has to pick up trash on the side of the highway.

I thought we were changing the subject.

You're right.

Grandma also lost her driver's license.

Did you check under the couch?

I find lots of stuff under there.

Why don't you go look?

Okay.

All right, let's have it.

You had to give a speech.

You couldn't have just said, "I'm sorry. It'll never happen again."

Now I have to do all the grocery shopping, all the errands.

I have to drive and pick him up from school.

I can't count on you for anything.

Hey, to be fair, I don't really do much around here now.

Hey, I make the jokes about how much you suck.

Roscoe: I found 37 cents!

Give it to Grandma; she'll need it for the bus!

That's one of my jokes.

Hi, I'm Regina. I'm an alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Regina.

I just want to say real quick how much gratitude is in my heart.

When I woke up this morning, I opened my eyes, still thinking I was in jail.

But I was in a king-sized bed in a million-dollar mansion, and I knew I had one person to thank.

Jesus Christ.

Maybe you should thank the person who bought the bed and the mansion.

You mean your ex-husband?

That's all I got.

Thank you.

(applause)

Okay, who'd like to go next?

I'll go.

Hi, I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Bonnie.

Today, I have five days sober.

What, no applause?

Brrr, chilly.

It's not easy to say this, but I lied to you guys a lot.

Even about stuff I didn't have to.

And I'm not proud about that.

I mean, I'm proud of how well-crafted the lies were, because, you know, doing anything well is its own reward, but your trust means a lot to me, and I'm very sorry.

It'll never happen again.

"But the thing is... "

But the thing is... it's not all my fault.

I mean, the doctors, the pharmaceutical companies, the rehab centers... They're all in cahoots.

I would not be surprised if my injury was the result of showering in a bathtub that was purposely designed to make you fall.

I don't mean to sound paranoid, but we might be looking at a giant pharmaceutical-medical-plumbing conspiracy.

Are we allowed to boo?

Anyway, that's it.

Put those daisy stickers down in your tub, otherwise they win.

Okay, who else would like to share?

I would.

Hi, I'm Christy.

I'm an alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Christy.

I just want to say how grateful I am to this program, because without it, I would have m*rder*d my mother.

And, you know, people toss around the word "m*rder" all too easy these days... but I really mean it.

Thank you.

(applause)

Okay, anybody else?

I'll go.

Hi, Marjorie, alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Marjorie.

Well, as many of you know, I've been battling cancer for the past 18 months, and today I went to my oncologist to get the results of my latest scan.

And I'm happy to report that I'm cancer-free.

(gasping)

(cheering)

All right, let's just you and me put aside our differences and make tonight about celebrating Marjorie's recovery.

Hey, I'm not the one seething with resentment.

Quite true... You're too busy creating it.

You're a carrier.

You're patient zero of the human resentment virus.

I'm confused.

Are we setting aside our differences, or aren't we?

We are.

Truce?

Truce.

There she is.

Our little miracle.

Marjorie: Thanks, guys.

So now that you're cancer-free, got any exciting plans?

Well, I guess there's no reason to put off painting the porch anymore.

I could do that for you.

Really?

Aw, thanks, Bonnie.

That doesn't count as community service, Mom.

I'm doing it out of friendship.

And if she signs the forms, yes, it does.

So, how long will it take for your hair to grow back?

This is my hair.

Looks great.

(crying)

Wendy, why are you crying?

I made a deal with God that if he let you live, I'd spend the rest of my life helping the poor.

Oh, honey, why is that sad?

I don't want to do it.

Everybody stop looking at me.

How about a toast to Marjorie?

We don't have drinks yet.

Fake it.

Come on, everybody, let's pretend.

Marjorie, you are the most amazing woman I've ever known.

(Bonnie clears throat)

Did you really think you were in the running for that?

Even when you were sick, you were always our rock.

And I just want you to know, we all love you, and... we're so happy you're gonna stick around with us for a long, long time.

Hear, hear.

(All) Cheers.

I pretended there was alcohol in mine.

Now that you're on the other side of this, you should travel, see the world.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm gonna do just that.

My fella wants to take me on a cruise.

Ugh, those cruise ships are awful.

Nobody really cares what you think.

She just got healthy.

Those things are like floating petri dishes.

Stop telling people how to live their lives, when you can't even figure out how to live your own life.

I live my life just fine.

Really?

52-year-old woman without a driver's license, wearing an orange vest, picking up garbage on the side of the road.

Yeah, you knocked your life out of the park.

Bonnie: Oh, oh.

Okay, so you with the two kids and the two different dads, drops out of high school, fails at stripping.

I mean, seriously, who fails at stripping?

It's taking off your clothes.

Oh, yeah? You want to bet which one of us has a better life?

I'm sure you do... you're the one with a cookie commitment at Gamblers Anonymous.

What the hell was that?

That's me throwing my imaginary drink in your face.

Ooh.

Stop it!

Both of you, just shut up.

You're ruining my remission.

FYI, our truce is over.

That was a truce?

(line beeps)

Hi, Marjorie, it's me.

Maybe you're still asleep.

Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for last night.

I'm so happy you're healthy.

That is the greatest news.

And please know I don't expect you to take sides in this thing between me and my mother.

But... you get what's going on.

Morning.

Mm-hmm.

Who were you talking to so early?

Marjorie.

She and I are good.

Mm-hmm.

Seriously?

I might have liked a second cup.

I might have liked my youth uninterrupted by childbirth.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to pick up dirty diapers, used condoms and Big Gulps filled with urine.

And whose fault is that, Mom?

I'm assuming long-haul truckers.

It's never you, is it?

I have never peed in a cup unless it was ordered by the court.

Before you go, tonight's the night we're supposed to go over to Violet and Gregory's for dinner.

That's tonight?

Yeah.

Do we both have to go? And by that, I mean you.

I am her mother.

Yes, but I'm the one she likes.

Okay, look.

This is a big night for Violet.

Let's you and I put our differences aside and make it a good experience for her.

I can do that. Can you?

You couldn't do it last night.

Oh, so last night was my fault?

Marjorie thinks so.

Let me tell you something, Blondie.

I may have made mistakes in my life, but you...

You sit there on your high horse judging everybody.

Not everybody, Mom. Just you.

Wow, how did you become a person with so little compassion?

Easy.

I spent my formative years with the most self-obsessed woman on Earth.

Oh, please, I barely saw you when you were growing up.

Oh, my God!

Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?!

I-I know our neighbors can.

All I said was if Gregory's mother comes to live with them, they can say good-bye to sex!

They're getting married!

They can say good-bye to sex either way!

I am so sorry about...

Uh, y-you don't have to keep apologizing.

Mother-daughter relationships are often quite challenging.

Challenging?

Does your mom have a rap sheet in California, Arizona, West Virginia and... I am not making this up... Micronesia?

Um, n-not that I know of.

Listen, we're so glad you two could join us tonight.

Violet worked very hard on preparing a traditional Shabbat dinner.

Shabbat?

It's Jewish for Friday.

Right?

C-Close enough.

The reason we asked you to come over, other than the joy of getting to know you better, is, uh...

Violet has some news.

You're pregnant?

Why do you always jump to that?

Oh, like you weren't thinking it.

Of course I was!

But unlike you, I don't vomit out the first words that pop into my drug-addled brain!

Hey!

Clean and sober six days.

Mazel tov.

I made the dean's list.

And I hate you both.

Excuse me.

20 years of therapy, and all it took was an hour and a half with you two to make me love my mother.

He certainly has a lovely condo.

Yeah.

Shame we'll never see it again.

Is there any chance you and I can clean the slate and start over?

I'd like that.

Yeah.

(sighs) Good.

Me, too.

How is this gonna work?

Well, uh... first, I'd say we stop b*ating each other up for what's in the past.

(groans)

That's a tough one.

I really enjoy that.

I know.

What are we gonna talk about?

Beats me.

That "shabit" dinner was kind of weird.

Not "shabit."

Shabbat.

I'm pretty sure it's "shabit."

Well, whatever you call it, the carrots were the only thing on my plate that I recognized.

See? We don't have to pick on each other, we can pick on other people.

Sure can.

(laughs)

You think we should circle back to Violet and Gregory's and apologize?

I don't know.

I think we should give them both a little time to stop crying.

What do you say we stop by Marjorie's and apologize for ruining the celebration last night?

Yeah, definitely.

Love you, Mom.

Love you, daughter.

(chuckles)

What?

I can't think of anything to say to you that's not mean.

I'm really proud of us for making this apology to Marjorie.

It's smart, too... we may have to borrow money from her someday.

(music playing inside)

♪ We got married in a fever ♪
♪ Hotter than a pepper sprout ♪
♪ We've been talking 'bout Jackson ♪

Yeah!

♪ Ever since the fire went out ♪
♪ Well, I'm going to Jackson... ♪

How could they throw a party without us?

I don't know. Maybe it was a last-minute thing?

What kind of a last-minute thing has a chocolate fountain?

♪ Look out, Jackson town... ♪

(sighs)

My heart is literally breaking.

Mine, too.

I guess we brought this on ourselves, huh?

We haven't been much fun to be around.

It's not you, it's me.

No, it's me.

Okay.

I'm the one who fell off the wagon and was too frightened to ask for help.

I'm the one who lied to everybody.

I'm the one who got the DUI and blamed everybody but myself.

Big Pharma didn't do this.

Big Bonnie did.

Glad to hear you say that.

Don't give up on me, Christy.

I am going to be the kind of mother you deserve.

I would never give up on you.

Oh, baby.

I love you.

Love you, too.

(loud crash)

What did you do?!

You hugged me!

Well, you're still supposed to look at the road!

You could have waited till a red light!

Oh, so this is my fault?!

Of course it's your fault!

Great party, Marjorie.

Aw, wasn't it?

Thanks so much for going to all this trouble.

No trouble.

Yeah, we were happy to do it for you.

Kind of surprised Christy and Bonnie didn't come.

Me, too.

You invited them, right?

Wendy was supposed to call them.

No, you told me to call everybody at the Tuesday night meeting, and don't forget the nuts.

The nuts were Bonnie and Christy.

Christy: Hope you're happy.

Bonnie: Don't start with me.

Christy: How am I supposed to get to work, take Roscoe to school?

Bonnie: Use my car.

Christy: Your car is in an impound lot.

Bonnie: So we'll go get it.

Christy: With what money?

Bonnie: Fine, I'll make some money!

Anybody here want to have sex with me and my daughter?!

I was joking.

Yeah, real funny.

You have any idea where we are?

Nope.

Well, maybe we should call someone to come get us.

Who are we gonna call, Mom?!

Who? Who?!

Truce?

Never!

You and I are at w*r until the end of time.

Come on.

Yeah, fine, truce.

It's what I do.