03x03 - Mozzarella Sticks And A Gay Piano Bar

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Mom...

We're gonna grab coffee with some girls from the meeting. Do you want to come with us?

Your parents know you're trying to get sober?

My parents don't know I'm alive.

So, uh, where are you living?

There's a guy.

All: Mm.

What's he do?

He's a drug dealer.

All: Oh.

And a guitar player.

All: Ah.

If you're hungry, the kitchen's there and the bathroom's there.

Make yourself at home.

Yeah, thanks again.

Okay. Sweet dreams.

Christy.

Don't you have work to do?

Hmm?

On your computer, upstairs?

Oh, yes.

I, uh, I go to college, so I have a paper to write.

And print.

Yes, and print.

Can't turn it in unless you print it.

Um... I am, uh, not in college, so, uh, I like to watch TV.

Okay. Sweet dreams.

Good night.

Uh, Christy?

Yeah?

Aren't you afraid I'm gonna steal your purse?

Oh... don't be silly.

Just, uh, just put it in my mouth.

Our little dope fiend up yet?

She's gone.

I went back to my boyfriend and I told him I wanted to get clean, and it didn't work out so good.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now, you know?

I just... I just know, whatever it is...

I can't do it by myself.

You don't have to.

Really appreciate you picking me up.

When do you plan on getting your car fixed?

When I have a spare $1,200.

Well, that's never gonna happen.

Bonnie Plunkett. When the hell you gonna look at my heater?

(Deep voice): Lo siento. No hablo inglés.

I'm blind, I'm not an idiot.

Fix the damn heater.

I'll get to it, Mr. Munson.

I can hear you giving me the finger.

Oh, look... our little meth head is still asleep.

I just hope she got up to pee.

I'm all for helping her get sober, but if she had a little of that meth get-up-and-go, she'd probably clean up the house.

What time is it?

4:00.

In the year 2038.

We are robots.

What?

Jodi, sweetie, you're welcome to stay with us until you get on your feet, but could you get on your feet once in awhile?

Yeah, maybe it's time to get a job.

You'll feel a lot better about yourself once you start earning some money.

Hey, if you need me to help out with groceries, I'm sure I can hit up my sister for some money.

The sister who won't talk to you because you stole from her?

Yeah, that's a great plan.

I feel like you're being sarcastic.

What do you think... meth brain or teenage brain?

What's the difference?

Why don't we hold off on contacting your sister and, uh, let's start thinking about what you could do for work.

Uh, well, I know what I want to do.

Fantastic, that's the first step. What is it?

Get famous on YouTube.

Go back to sleep.

I'm sorry about your heater Mr. Munson, but I haven't seen my mom. (Clears throat)

I don't... I don't know what to tell you, sir.

Um, she's unbelievably unreliable and dishonest.

I'd like to chalk it up to her rough childhood, but the truth is she's just a horrible person.

Okay, I'll remind her to get up there, uh, soon as I see her.

Okay, see you later.

I mean, I'll see you, you won't...

Okay. Bye.

You just earned yourself a car ride tomorrow.

What's the big deal?

Why don't you fix the guy's heater?

'Cause he's a noodge. I don't want to reward that kind of behavior.

(Door closes)

Hey, how'd the job search go?

Waste of time.

Baskin Robbins can suck it.

Apparently 31 flavors doesn't want 28 tattoos.

I've spent the last three weeks filling out job applications for every stupid loser business in this town.

I hope you're bringing that sunny disposition to the job interviews.

Sure, help yourself.

I mean, let's face it, I'm never gonna a get job.

I've got no skills, no education.

All I'm good for is selling my blood.

Well, there's no money in that.

What you want to do is sell your eggs.

How do I do that?

You don't. What is wrong with you?

You may have some half brothers and sisters out there.

We'll talk later.

Look, we had no skills or education either.

Yeah, we weren't always the put-together people you now see before you.

Those are for everyone.

But we stayed sober, we didn't give up, and eventually we found employers who believed our lies.

Wait, I can lie on these job applications?

You haven't been?

You kept talking about how staying sober means being totally honest.

Not when it comes to getting some crappy minimum-wage job.

Listen, Jodi, the owner of this building thinks I was a jet engine mechanic for the Royal Canadian Air Force.

I was not.

Yeah, she can't even fix a blind man's heater.

Not can't, won't.

The point is, you learn how to do a job by doing the job.

Exactly. Fake it till you make it.

Okay, so when they ask me what I've been up to, I should say, um...

After I quit high school...

After you graduated high school.

After I graduated high school, I joined a rock band...

The Peace Corps.

The Peace Corps, and...

What do they do?

You helped bring clean water to poor people in Africa.

Which is where you got your love for serving coffee.

Or putting hot dogs on a stick.

Or getting famous on YouTube.

Okay, let's start over.

Does anyone know a good mechanic who fixes cars just for the love of it?

What's wrong with your car this time?

I think it just hates me.

It doesn't even tell me to put my seat belt on anymore.

Ooh, that reminds me, do any of you have a good piano tuner?

(Fancy accent): Christy, who does our Steinway?

You could've just said no.

You could've looked around at who you're talking to.

Hey, rich people's problems are just as valid as poor people's problems.

What do you say we k*ll her, eat her and steal her car?

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay, now guess why I'm late.

You wanted to keep your streak alive?

No, I got a job.

I'm a barista.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Way to go.

Fantastic.

That's great.

Oh, and I got to tell you, the advice you gave me about lying on the application was dead on.

What's this now?

Oh, don't worry, we got it.

She sleeps on our couch, she plays by our rules.

When do you start?

Tomorrow. I get a uniform and a name tag, and I get to drink all the coffee I want, as long as I use the same cup.

Oh Jodi, I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, a toast, to becoming a productive, tax-paying citizen.

Oh, Bonnie said I didn't have to pay taxes.

Shh!

Mom, angry blind man, nine o'clock.

Oh, dear God!

What are you doing? He can't see you.

Then what's he looking at?

All right, that's it, we got to find a new place to live.

Or you could fix his heater.

So when exactly did you start selling your eggs?

The day they started paying for them.

Oh, God, mom.

Just a heads-up, don't have sex with any guys who look like me.

Not a problem.

(Door closes)

Jodi: Hey, check it out... After two weeks of writing people's names on coffee cups, I got paid.

Hey, way to go.

Congratulations.

Do you realize that this is the first time I've made money that I can't get arrested for?

That's great, Jodi.

Remember your first honest buck?

Yeah, it was the eggs.

Okay, you know what you're gonna do with this money?

Yeah... purple hair extensions.

No. You're gonna take $100 out of here and send it to your sister.

What? No, this is my money, I earned it.

And your sister earned the money you stole from her.

Okay, but wouldn't me giving her this money just be me trying to buy her love?

Oh, she's good.

No, it would be you making amends to your sister a hundred bucks a week, every week, until it's paid off.

Forget it, no way.

I think it's time we started charging her rent.

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

That's better.

It's weird, we're very good with kids when we're not related to them.

We might be. I sold a lot of eggs.

I don't know, maybe this is a bad idea.

I haven't seen her in two years, and we were always very different people.

Relax. Your sister wouldn't have invited you to come live with her if she wasn't ready to give you a second chance.

Or eighth or ninth chance.

You're right.

I can do this.

Just stay sober and help her out around the house.

Maybe wash the dishes once in a while.

And don't take food off her plate.

Or money from her purse.

Got it.

Listen, I just wanted to thank you for everything.

It's our pleasure.

Occasionally.

I don't know where I'd be without you guys.

I mean, you literally saved my life.

I love you.

We love you, too.

Oh, damn. (Sniffles)

I'm crying all over your fake purple hair.

Let's move this along.

(Sniffles)

Can I help you?

They really are different.

I'm looking for Theresa Hubbard.

She's in 5-G. This is 4-G.

Oh. Sorry to bother you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh god, we're gonna have to say good-bye all over again.

Wow.

Yeah.

She literally said that we literally saved her life.

That's because we literally did.

I feel so good right now.

Me, too.

This is how Gandhi must have felt when he did whatever it was that he did.

I think it's safe to say that helping Jodi makes up for every bad thing I've ever done.

Yeah. So what if you made a blind man go three months without heat?

You saved a life.

Damn right.

I never want to lose this feeling.

Neither do I.

I want more.

More is always better.

You know what we need?

More?

Yes.

And I know how to get it.

We need to help another alcoholic.

I like it.

Maybe we could find someone at a meeting.

Nah, if they're at a meeting, they already want help.

I say we bag a drunk in the wild.

Oh, yeah. This was a good call.

Yeah. Sports bar on a Tuesday afternoon.

They ain't here for the mozzarella sticks.

So what are you thinkin'?

The big moose over there in the hockey jersey?

I'm thinkin' we stick with the ladies.

It would be great if we could help somebody and not get m*rder*d.

Mm. Smart.

How 'bout the redhead bobbing for beer nuts?

Oh, yeah, that's a train wreck.

Shall we save a life?

That's what angels do.

Set halos on stun.

Hi.

Hi!

Oh, you're a big one.

Hi.

You're a teeny-tiny one.

Mind if we join you?

Sure. We'll be small, medium, and large.

I'm medium.

Bonnie.

Christy.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Bonnie and Christy.

I am Michelle, but you can call me...

Rodrigo.

All right.

Rough day?

Honestly can't remember.

More, please?

(Mouthing)

So, you having a little trouble with your drinkin'?

Mm. Drinkin's goin' great.

I had a bit of a situation in the ladies' room.

Shh.

I think we have a winner.

Sounds like you could use some help.

Yeah.

You have a mop?

Better.

We can change your life.

That is better than a mop.

And it's not just us.

There's more people out there that want to help you.

Shut up!

Well, call 'em and tell 'em to get their asses over here.

Or we could bring you to them.

If that's what you want.

I want it all, b*tches.

Then let's hit it, Rodrigo.

All right!

Whoa!

Uh-oh.

You should probably drive.

Yeah.

♪ I see a little silhouette of a man ♪
♪ scaramouche, scaramouche, can you do the fandango? ♪
♪ Thunderbolt and lightning ♪
♪ very, very frightening me... ♪

Where'd you find Freddie Mercury?

We pulled her out of a bar.

We're kind of like an alcoholic SWAT team.

♪ He's just a poor boy from a poor family... ♪

I lost my virginity to this song.

Not the whole thing, just this part.

♪ Bismillah, no, we will not... ♪

Does she know where she is?

That's not the point.

The point is we rescued her from the nightmare of alcoholism.

How do you know she's an alcoholic?

Oh, come on! Who would take on a song that challenging in a room full of strangers?

Queen in the afternoon? That's a drunk.

(Playing piano)

Here we are.

Let's get you to bed.

Oh, boy.

So how's this gonna work?

What do you mean?

I've never done the girl-on-girl thing before.

Do we have to breed a bunch of dogs first or do we just get right to it?

We're not gay.

Then how come we were at a lesbian piano bar?

That was an AA meeting.

Oh!

So that's why no one was dancing.

So, anyway, which one of you's gonna be the dude?

What are you lookin' at me for?

Nah. You're just gonna sleep it off on the couch, and then tomorrow we start working on your new life in sobriety.

Oh, but I'm horny.

Stop lookin' at me!

I said no pickles!

What the...?

You know, I'm thinkin' there's good money in getting people sober.

Maybe we should start our own rehab.

I like it. Plunkett house.

"If you drunk it, come to Plunkett."

I'm writing that down, 'cause I know we'll forget it.

(Both shouting)

Michelle: Help! Call the police!

Mr. Munson: Yeah! Help! Police!

I got you!

Let go!

What's... Wh-what's going on?

Call the police. This woman att*cked me.

You att*cked me!

att*ck you? I can't even see you!

Okay, everybody calm down.

Who are you?

It's me, Christy, remember?

What the hell is goin' on?

It's okay, Mr. Munson.

We're trying to help a fellow alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Spoken like a true alcoholic.

You got time for this nonsense and you can't fix my heater?

Who are you people?

Come inside. Everything's gonna be just fine.

Call the police.

I'm being kidnapped.

Uh, not to worry. Have a nice night.

(Door shuts)

Crazy, presumably white women.

Michelle, listen to me, you don't have to live your life like this anymore.

We are here for you.

We recover together.

Welcome to Plunkett House.

What are you talking about?

I just had a bad day.

Aren't they all bad days?

No. I got passed over for a promotion at work and decided to get hammered.

So this isn't a regular thing with you?

Of course not.

Are you sure? Because in our experience as addiction specialists, denial of the disease is a real problem.

(Chuckles) Listen, dumbass...

This is maybe the second time I've been drunk since college.

How 'bout we give you a ride home?

Really?

After the "dumbass" comment?

So we brought her home...

A lovely home.

And tried to explain the situation to her husband...

A lovely husband.

Who confirmed she was not an alcoholic.

But he did accuse her of having a long-term affair with her boss.

Which explains why she was upset about getting passed over for the promotion.

She did put in the work.

Christy: (Clears throat) Anyway, long story short, uh, he filed for divorce and she filed a restraining order against us.

Oh, dear.

Yeah. I've had my share of restraining orders, but this one really stings.

I feel like such an idiot.

Oh, don't b*at yourselves up over it.

Your hearts were in the right place.

Yeah, you were sincerely trying to help this woman, and that's what counts.

You think?

Absolutely.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Thank you, guys.

That makes me feel a lot better.

Me, too.

Oh, shall we? I've got to get to work.

Yeah. I've got a heater to fix.

All right. See you later.

See ya.

Bye, guys.

I think we really helped them out.

We did.

Feels good. (Chuckles)

Feels great.

Let's do it again.

Let's.

Having a bad day?