03x05 - A Pirate, Three Frogs and a Prince

[bunniefuu]

Okay, hypothetical question: Christy, you can't answer.

Why can't I answer? I want to answer.

Suit yourself.

I am tired of waiting for Mr. Right.

If I went gay, who here would go out with me?

I don't want to answer.

Are we gay, too?

Or are we just really drunk at Mardi Gras?

You know, for beads.

Either way, I'm in.

Really?

She's sober and tall. That's half my wish list.

Come on, you're not really giving up on men.

You're just going through a little slump.

Marjorie, I haven't been with a man in over a year, and to be completely honest, I'm not even concerned about sex.

I just want somebody to want me.

I understand that.

I didn't have an intimate relationship for almost seven years.

I'd given up hope that anybody would ever want me again.

Now, not only am I desired, Victor and I are having intercourse three times a week, like clockwork.

Seriously?

So, like, Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

Fridays, we like to watch Blue Bloods.

Bonnie, you want guys to notice you, maybe you need to show a little more skin.

Yeah, I bet those long legs look yummy in a skirt.

I might still be on the gay thing.

I guess I could dig out the Daisy Dukes.

Ugh! If you do that, promise me you'll wear underwear this time.

Oh, just let it go.

Don't tell me to let it go.

We can never go back to that shoe store again.

Marjorie: Okay. That's enough.

Let's pay the check and go to the meeting.

In all fairness, mom, you really haven't put yourself out there since Alvin d*ed.

Yeah, well, your father was a tough act to follow.

You really loved him, didn't you?

[Sighs] I think about him every day.

Aw, that's sweet.

So you gonna kick in for your Cobb salad, or what?

How about Larry? He's single.

No, I don't like reformed heroin addicts.

They're so full of themselves.

Okay, how 'bout angry Mike?

Long-term sobriety, has a good job.

Pass.

I'm willing to date an angry man, but not one who still uses a flip phone.

You're not dating any of them, it's just practice.

Yeah, like when you're 14 and take a shower with your cute cousin.

Just go talk to a couple of guys, get your mojo back.

Hey, what about Steve?

Steve? Really?

Yeah, he's perfect.

He's like a CPR dummy with hair.

And you're not related.

Fine. I'm going in.

Hold my triscuit.

Look at those legs go.

It's getting weird, Wendy.

Hey, Steve.

Hey.

I like your shoes.

Thanks.

I also have them in gray.

Nice.

Mind if I join you?

Well, somebody left these keys here to save the seat, but... please.

That was a great meeting, huh?

Laurie reunited with her parents, Sam got his 90-day chip...

Just one miracle after another.

Yeah.

You ever notice how Steve looks like a pirate?

What?

Not an evil pirate.

More Johnny Depp-ish.

I'll give you the "ish" part.

You do know he was just supposed to be somebody to practice flirting with...

That's all I'm doing.

It just helps if I can visualize him as somebody who'd be on a bottle of rum.

(Phone ringing)

Hey, Baxter. What's up?

Baxter: Couple of things.

Is it cool if I drop off Roscoe an hour early this Friday?

Sure.

Candace and I are going out to celebrate the anniversary of our first date.

Great.

I got us a room at the Wine Country Inn.

Nice.

It's a package deal.

Champagne brunch, couple's massage in the room.

Don't care, Baxter.

Yeah, you do.

Also, don't forget we've got Roscoe's parent-teacher conference tomorrow.

"Don't forget"?

You're telling me not to forget?

You, who used to live in a van?

You, who was arrested in a Wal-Mart for not wearing pants?

Not fair.

I was there to buy pants.

I am the responsible one.

So don't call me and tell me not to forget.

(Annoyed sigh)

You forgot.

Totally forgot.

Mother of the year.

Really?

You want to play this game?

I do not.

♪ ♪

(Christy exhales)

Where the hell is sixth grade?

Christy, over here.

Oh. Hey, Christy!

Candace.

Look at that.

You brought a date to our son's parent-teacher conference.

Candace thought she could provide some insight into Roscoe's academic development.

We both thought that.

We both thought that.

Hi. You must be Roscoe's parents.

Two of us are.

Candace, hi.

Did you get my e-mail about making costumes for the musical?

Three frogs and a prince.

I'm sewing away like a Cambodian sweatshop.

Candace is the room mom.

Well, I'm the mom mom.

No one's arguing that.

Mom mom beats room mom. Ask anybody.

Okay. So, before we get started, I just have to ask...

Um, has there been a change in Roscoe's living situation recently?

Yeah, he's been staying with us more.

If Roscoe's schoolwork is suffering, we can certainly go back to the original arrangement.

Oh, no, on the contrary, he is doing terrific.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, in all of his subjects.

Math, science...

He's reading above grade level.

Oh, I do vocabulary flashcards with him, so...

She does 'em with me too.

And I have made significant proclivity.

Well, whatever the situation is, the change in Roscoe has been remarkable.

Really?

Well, that's great news.

Candace: Isn't it?

And you were so right about limiting his TV time and making sure that he has a balanced and nutritious diet.

Lippert: Yeah, you know, well, I say that to all the parents and so few listen.

Mmm.

Just so we're clear, I am the parent.

I may not listen, but I am the parent.

It's okay, Christy.

We all know you're doing the best that you can.

Do not do the pity voice with me.

Oh, dear, now you're upset.

I am not upset, you big red turd.

Baxter, say something.

Yes, Baxter, say something.

Mrs. Lippert, may I use the bathroom?

(Knocking at door)

Hey.

Oh, hey, Bonnie. Come on in.

Wow! Look at you!

Oh. Oh... laundry day.

Um...

So, what brings you by?

I was just looking for my daughter.

I thought I'd surprise her and take her to lunch.

I think she's working at the restaurant today.

Oh, fudge.

(Inhales, exhales)

Probably should've called her first.

Well, if you'd called, then you couldn't surprise her.

Oh, look at you, thinking like a lawyer.

I didn't graduate 281st in my class for nothing.

(Laughing)

So, uh, whatcha doin'?

Working on a big case?

I wish. I'm just a small town lawyer.

Don't sell yourself short, you read all these books.

Not really, they came with the office.

Okay, well...

I guess I'll just... take myself to lunch.

Hang-hang on.

Let-let-let me take you to lunch.

Really?

You're not too terribly busy?

No, I'm just trying to get bail for some guy in county lockup... he can wait.

Uh, so, what do you... what do you feel like eating?

A salad or something?

I'm actually more of a meat-eater, Steve.

Baxter?

A moment?

Uh, okay.

Meet you at the car?

No problem.

Be a man for once.

What's up?

(Scoffs)

Knock it off.

Your balls just went to the car.

Your girlfriend needs to know her place.

I don't see what the problem is.

You heard the teacher.

Because of Candace our son is doing great.

Sure, now.

But what happens when you dump her for some other bimbo?

Are you calling Candace a bimbo?

She went to Stanford. I'm, like, the third guy she's ever slept with.

She told you you were the third guy?

Please, multiply that by nine, and double it if she was in a sorority.

I'm too upset for arithmetic.

Baxter, don't you see what's happening?

This woman is inserting herself into Roscoe's life, playing at being his mom, and we both know how this is gonna end.

No, you don't see what's happening.

This isn't gonna end.

I love Candace, and I'm gonna marry her.

Seriously?

I bought the ring.

I'm gonna propose Sunday at the champagne brunch.

Slip the chef a few bucks and have him cook it into her omelet.

That's very romantic.

(Chuckles) Hope she doesn't choke on it.

I know, right?

Are you sure about this?

Yeah.

I thought maybe you'd be happy for me.

I really want to be, but Candace is such a sneaky, pushy, manipulative woman.

(Chuckles)

What can I tell you? I have a type.

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Christy, is it really the bread you're angry at?

Maybe it is. You don't know.

Honey, it's not a bad thing that your son has more people who love him.

That's what I told her.

Well, despite that, it's good advice.

And you know Roscoe is never gonna choose Candace over you.

Jill: Not necessarily.

I liked my father's second wife way more than my mom.

Of course, we wore the same size and she bought me vodka.

Bottom line, would you rather your son had a horrible stepmother, who made his life miserable?

How miserable are we talking?

You got a positive report from Roscoe's teacher, and a man you no longer want is getting married.

You might want to stop and think about why this bothers you so much.

She's dating Steve.

Hey!

Nicely done.

Bonnie, is that a good idea?

I am not dating him as much as playing with him.

Like when you hold a piece of yarn over a cat's head and you get 'em spinning around and they fall over.

First of all, you're never coming near my cats again.

And secondly, Steve is very fragile right now, and you're playing a very dangerous game with him.

Uh...

It's Wednesday, don't you have some intercourse to do?

♪ ♪

(Clears throat)

So... what could happen if I sued for sole custody?

Well, it won't be pretty.

It sounds like your ex is marrying into some big money, so they can drag it out forever.

I guess I'll need a good lawyer. (Chuckles)

So will your ex.

Will you give him my card?

Hey, uh, speaking of custody battles, has your mom ever been to Cabo?

She has.

But she's not allowed back.

(Chuckles)

That is so Bonnie.

Sounds like you're a little smitten.

Oh, I'm way past smitten.

I'm "smoten."

"Smooten"? "Smahten"?

I just really like her.

You had one lunch.

I know, it's crazy.

I just can't help but feel like there's something special between us.

I... I get that.

Just do yourself a favor and go slow.

You're right...

You're right.

You know, if we got married, I'd be your stepdad.

Slower.

Take time to get to know each other.

Gee, I don't know, that might ruin it.

♪ ♪

Ah, home, sweet home.

Sorry, I'm, uh, texting something to Steve to whet his appetite.

He is going to wet everything.

I can't work this stupid thing.

Do you mind?

Yes, I mind. I am not taking dirty pictures of my mother.

Would you rather a stranger do it?

Fine.

(Clears throat) So what's your endgame with Steve?

Just flirting, having fun.

Really?

Yeah, get my groove back till I find somebody I like and I'm ready.

Great plan.

Except Steve's thinking marriage.

To me?

'Fraid so.

How the hell does he get to that?

I don't know, maybe a lamb chop lunch with six feet of Daisy Duke.

Ah, crap.

Yeah.

So... (Clears throat) I guess the question now is...

Do you want to be in a relationship with him?

Hmm, I feel like I should pretend that's hard to answer.

Why don't you do everybody a favor?

Sit down with him, tell him he got the wrong idea and that you just want to be friends.

Yeah, I guess.

(Sighs)

So I should delete these?

Yeah.

Oh, wait... (Chuckles)

Send this one to Wendy. Let's see what happens.

♪ ♪

(Yelling and ray-g*nf*re on video game)

Hey, before your dad gets here, can we talk for a minute?

Sure.

Can you turn off the game?

I can talk and play.

Okay, um, so I talked to your teacher, and she told me how great you're doing, and I just want to tell you I'm really proud of you.

Thanks.

And I'm sorry I'm not around more, you know, to volunteer in your class and...

Make costumes.

I'm just trying to make a better life for us.

I know.

That doesn't mean I don't love you and miss you like crazy when you're not here.

Look out for the zombie.

(Ray-g*nf*re and yelling)

Got him.

Whoa, that is disturbingly violent.

Anyway, it's not always gonna be like this.

At some point, you and I will be able to spend more time together.

Cool.

Yeah, cool.

So for now you're okay with the way things are?

Yeah, sure.

You like Candace?

Yeah, don't you?

Um... another zombie.

He's dead. Again.

Boy, you are... (Clears throat) really good at this game.

Yeah, so you didn't answer my question.

Do you like Candace?

Well, let's just say if you do, I do.

There is one thing about her that kind of makes me mad.

Really? Tell me.

She doesn't let me play this game.

She says it's not good for me.

(Howling on video game)

Well, you know what?

(Chuckles)

When you're in this house, you can decapitate all the zombies you want.

Thanks. Can we stop talking now?

Sure.

I love you.

Mom! Get off, get off! I can't see!

I don't care.

Mom! Zombies!

♪ ♪

I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.

I'm just not at a place in my life right now for a relationship.

I understand.

You're a great guy, Steve.

You're gonna find somebody, just give it some time.

I hope we can still be friends.

You know, sober buddies together.

Sounds good.

You gonna be okay?

Yeah.

I just... kind of got ahead of myself here.

I do that sometimes.

I do the same thing.

Ah, damn it, take off your pants.

Thank you.