03x06 - Horny-Goggles and a Catered Intervention

[bunniefuu]

Hi, I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Bonnie.

Well, (sighs) there's only nine more dating days till Christmas, and I'm starting to lose hope.

I mean, how is it this package has no one to unwrap it on Christmas morning?

The holidays are rough enough without drinking.

At this point, I'd let anyone...

Stuff my turkey... put it in the oven and finish decorating.

I mean, I haven't had a boyfriend since...

1923.

(sighs) With the year I've had, with the cancer and the chemo...

The Brazilian butt-lift.

I mean, nothing's working.

I still don't have a guy to wake up with on Christmas morning.

And it's just not the same having your staff watch you open your gifts, you know?

I mean, they say "Feliz Navidad," but their hearts aren't in it.

(sighs)

A little sex right now would be...

Difficult without a ladder.

I just, I need a guy who can drag in a tree, hang lights, put together a toy for my kid...

Okay, and maybe... cuddle me by the fire at his lake house, tell me I'm special... while he slowly undresses me.

Anyway, merry freaking Christmas.

♪ ♪

Now you realize if we do this, we are officially giving up.

Oh, don't ruin cake, it's all I have left.

All: Mmm.

Maybe we'll all meet guys at the dance.

For the last time, we are not spending Christmas Eve at a sober dance.

Why not? It's a sober dance.

We're gonna remember every minute of it.

Hey, everybody.

Hi.

Hey, roomie.

Bonnie: Look who's here.

Christy: Welcome back.

How was your church conference?

Great.

If I got paid by the "amen," I'd be a rich woman.

Ooh, we're gonna need another fork over here pronto.

What's been going on around here?

Well, a lot of people are very excited about the holiday sober dance.

(all groaning)

Oh, yeah, I got your E-vite. Can you come?

Well, I got to check my schedule.

That's a no, Wendy.

Did you get to any meetings in Atlanta?

No, we were really busy.

Well, you can jump back in now that you're home.

Yeah, I guess.

This cake is really delicious.

It's the same cake I ordered for the sober dance.

Oh, for God's sake, let it go.

You know, if we're gonna have a party, we should have one for you.

That's right.

You're coming on two years sober.

Hey.

Great.

Wendy: Mmm, congratulations.

Well, actually that's something I wanted to talk to you about.

After a lot of soul-searching and prayer, I, uh, decided I'm not an alcoholic.

You're not just saying that to get out of the dance, are you?

If so, I'm not an alcoholic either.

So, first night of the conference, a bunch of us went out to dinner, and Reverend Baker ordered a bottle of Cabernet.

The waiter filled my glass, and I looked at it, and I thought, "I think I can handle this."

And you know what?

I was right.

I didn't even finish my glass.

I did that once.

But only because the ambulance driver insisted I put it down.

Here's the thing.

Alcohol was never my problem, dr*gs were my problem.

Now, if Reverend Baker bought us an eight ball, I'd still be in Atlanta looking for my panties.

But with wine, I'm okay.

So let me get this straight... You're drinking now?

It's been a week, and I've had, I don't know, maybe three glasses.

By glasses, you mean bottles.

By bottles, you mean cases.

No, I mean glasses.

I hope you're okay with it.

You girls are my family.

I don't want this to change anything.

Marjorie: It won't.

This is a self-diagnosed disease.

If you don't think you have a problem, who are we to say you do?

I'm gonna say it.

I was with her at her first meeting.

She had $10,000 worth of dr*gs and a full minibar in her purse.

But no wine.

Bonnie, not our call.

So we're cool?

Once in a while, if I have a glass of wine in front of you, you're all okay?

Well, I think...

Marjorie, what do I think?

Regina, we love you, and there's no judgment here.

Matter of fact...

Waiter, would you bring our friend a glass of, uh...

Cabernet.

Cabernet.

(whispering): Is this a trick?

Probably, she's like a Jedi.

Is anyone else hearing saxophone music?

Enjoy.

Thank you.

You sure this is okay?

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

So y'all have plans for Chr...

Just lip gloss.

♪ ♪

How was your run?

(sighs) Who cares?

No man's ever gonna see me naked again.

What do you say, after I take a shower, we go pick up a tree?

(groans) I don't know.

Maybe we should just skip Christmas this year.

Aw, what's wrong, Charlie Brown?

What's the point?

Roscoe and Violet aren't gonna be around, Regina's drinking again, and I saw what you bought me.

First of all, I saw what you bought me, so we're both disappointed.

And the Regina thing is gonna be fine.

Do you honestly think she can drink like normal and nothing bad will happen?

Absolutely not.

She's on the b*llet train to "Booze-adelphia."

Then why are you so calm?

'Cause I just went through a relapse.

First you think you can control it, and then you're making out with a homeless guy in his dumpster, and then you're back eating stale doughnuts at a meeting.

Circle of life.

(cell phone rings)

Oh.

Hey, Wendy.

I'm sorry to call so early, but I'm worried sick about Regina.

See? She's upset about Regina too.

Really? She's usually such a rock.

My mom says hi.

(cell phone rings)

Hey, Jill, what's up?

Hey, I can't talk loud, Regina's in the kitchen.

I keep hearing the blender, and I think she's making margaritas.

Regina's making margaritas.

Oh, God.

Regina's making margaritas.

First thing in the morning?

My bad, it's just a smoothie.

It's just a smoothie.

It's a smoothie.

Oh, that sounds good. What kind?

What kind?

What kind?

Who cares?

Who cares?

Strawberry.

(phone line beeps)

Oh, hang on, I'm getting another call.

What's going on, Baxter?

Quick Santa-related question.

Candace and I were talking about getting Roscoe the new Xbox, but we won't if you think it might make you look bad.

(sighs) Well, actually, it will.

Okay, we did more than talk.

We already bought it.

He kind of already saw it.

And he's kind of playing with it.

Baxter.

I can tell him you want me to take it back, but that might make you look bad too.

You think?

Is she upset?

Little.

Aw...

Baxter, do whatever you're gonna do.

I've got a nightmare situation here.

What's going on?

A dear friend of mine has started drinking in moderation.

All hell is breaking loose.

Okay, I'm back; where are we?

Jill thinks we should have an intervention.

Jill thinks we should have an intervention.

Does she know how to do one?

Does she know how to do one?

Do you know how to do one?

I should, I've had 12.

She's had 12.

She's had 12.

We still need a grown-up. I'm calling Marjorie.

She's calling Marjorie.

She's calling Marjorie.

(humming "Deck the Halls")

Holiday hold music.

Oh.

(both humming "Deck the Halls")

What's that?

Holiday hold music.

Oh, fun!

(all humming "Deck the Halls")

I got her voice mail.

(humming conclusion to "Deck the Halls")

♪ ♪

So I thought we'd do it in here and keep things festive.

I don't think you quite grasp the concept.

Interventions are supposed to be uncomfortable.

Oh.

Well, then we should have had it at your house.

Crab puff?

You're having a catered intervention?

Mm-hmm, I got the same people who did Lindsay Lohan's.

Let's not call this an intervention.

It's just friends telling a friend she might die a horrible agonizing death.

In a festive room.

Regina: Jill?

Uh, second floor living room!

Okay, here she comes.

Should we hide?

It's not a surprise party.

Kind of is.

Hey, what's with the valet parking?

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, Regina, maybe you should sit down.

Okay.

Honey, we're... concerned about some of the choices you're making.

Surprise.

Regina, I've been down this road.

Take it from me...

Oh, my God, you've got to try the mushroom caps.

Wait a minute.

Is this an intervention?

Others: Yes.

No.

But yes.

Weren't you listening to me?

I'm doing great.

Ever since I stopped going to meetings, I've had time to go to the gym, do volunteer work, and spend more time at the office, which has led to a pay raise and a promotion.

You ask me, I've got it more together than any of you guys.

Marjorie, say something.

This wasn't my idea.

I knew this was gonna happen.

You just can't accept that there might be another way.

Come on Regina, it's only a matter of time before a couple drinks leads to a line of blow and boom...

You're showing up to your kid's PTA meeting in ass-less chaps and a sombrero.

Or your version of that.

You know what, if this is what it's gonna be like, I'm out of here.

But where you going?

I'm moving out of this house and getting new friends.

We can still stay and eat, right?

Thank you.

Is he cute, or am I just wearing horny goggles?

All: Goggles.

RSVPs are coming in.

♪ There'll be lots of guys at the sober dance. ♪
♪ It doesn't help when you sing it. ♪

Look who's here.

Hey, Regina.

Oh, my goodness!

What a coincidence.

No it isn't.

Ladies?

This is my friend Marcus Manigault-Dupree.

Marcus?

This is Bonnie, Wendy, Jill, Christy, Marjorie.

Nice to meet you all.

All: Nice to meet you.

If you'll excuse us, we're just gonna grab a quick bite before we head back to my place.

For dessert.

Happy holidays.

All: Happy holidays.

Now she has a boyfriend?

You promised me she'd be kissing a bum in a dumpster.

But she's having afternoon sex with Marcus Manigault-Dupree.

Give her time. She's going down.

Oh, please, the only person going down is Marcus Manigault-Dupree!

(humming a tune)

Unbelievable.

I leave this by the mailboxes to make it easy for the tenants to give me a holiday tip, and all I got was an Arby's coupon and a Polaroid of a penis in a Santa hat.

(groans)

Give me that.

No, I want to do it.

Whee!

(knocking)

All: Merry Christmas!

Hey, Mom, look, it's the people from the catalog.

Come on in.

I'm sorry we're early, but it started to snow in Tahoe and you know there's nothing like fresh powder.

Oh, you don't have to tell us that.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Aw, thank you, honey.

I got you a perfume that's a little less obvious.

(laughs)

Oh, where does he get it?

And these are for you and Christy.

Oh, wow, how unexpected.

Oh, please, don't feel bad if you didn't get anything for us.

We don't.

Don't be silly, Mom.

Of course we got them something.

Ah...

Here you go.

Merry Christmas from the Plunketts.

Arby's?

Yes!

Roscoe, your gifts are under the tree.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

Here you go.

Santa didn't forget about you.

We need to make this quick.

Candace wants to hit the road.

She's really got you on a short leash.

You need to man up.

Look at me, Christy. That ship has sailed.

What's going on?

I just want to ask your opinion about something.

Okay.

You were around towards the end of my drinking.

A lot of people were.

Paramedics, county sheriff, animal control.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But with the benefit of hindsight, don't you think it's possible I was just going through a phase?

A phase?

You were on a first-name basis with the guy who pumped your stomach.

Oh, yeah... Phil.

Ironic name.

Where's this going?

Are you thinking of drinking again?

Well, maybe.

My friend's drinking again, and she's doing great.

And look at you, you used to smoke weed every day and now you only do it once in a while.

Yep, just nights and weekends.

That's every day, but moving on.

You still put a tie on every morning, you sell cars, you're a great dad.

You're thriving.

Those are the exact words that my pot dealer used.

The thing is, I think I could do that, too.

Oh, my God, no, Christy.

When you were drinking, your life was a tire fire.

You'd disappear for days at a time.

And then to make things worse, you'd come home.

I know, but I thi...

Look.

You can do whatever you want.

But I'd really hate for Roscoe to ever see his mom drunk again.

Low blow.

Christy, maybe you haven't noticed, but you're doing pretty great, too.

Thanks.

Candace: Baxter?

Short leash.

(laughs) Sorry.

(car engine starts)

I just don't get why we're apologizing to Regina.

I mean, we tried to help her and she told us to go to hell.

Well, maybe we should've left her alone.

She certainly didn't ask for help.

But if she ever does, we'll be there for her.

Hey, Ghost of Christmas Past, give it a rest.

Isn't it a little weird just showing up at her new place without a gift?

Should we stop and get her a bottle of hooch?

I'm not stopping anywhere on Christmas Eve.

Jill, those earrings are nice.

Thank you!

Oh, my God!

These are the most beautiful earrings I've ever seen.

I picked them out.

Happy housewarming/ Merry Christmas.

You really shouldn't have done this.

They look so expensive.

They are.

We just wanted to say we're sorry.

We were way out of line to think we knew what was best for you.

Even though we do.

Ah, well, we should get going.

Christmas Eve.

You probably have plans with your fella.

Actually, Marcus is out of town visiting his folks.

Why don't we order in Chinese food, and watch some sappy Christmas movie?

As much good as that sounds, we're going to Wendy's loser dance.

Sober dance.

That's what I said.

You wouldn't want to...

I wouldn't.

But, hey, let's have coffee next week.

Okay.

Both: Merry Christmas.

All: Merry Christmas.

Well, she seems like she's in a good place.

Yeah, I'm glad we did that.

Me, too.

My ears are cold.

♪ O holy night ♪
♪ The stars are brightly shining ♪
♪ It is the night ♪
♪ Of our dear ♪
♪ Savior's birth ♪
♪ Long lay the world ♪
♪ In sin ♪
♪ And error pining ♪
♪ Till he appeared ♪
♪ And the soul felt its worth. ♪
♪ Till he appeared ♪

This is so much worse than I thought it would be.

Yeah, whose genius idea was this?

On the bright side, three different people brought Jell-O salad.

One person brought three different kinds of Jell-O salad, thank you very much.

There are no cute guys here.

And they're ignoring us.

You know what, forget the guys.

I'm just happy to spend here at Christmas Eve with people I love.

I'll not drink to that.

Does anybody want to dance?

♪ Now you want to trip ♪
♪ 'Cause another brother noticed me ♪
♪ I'm up on him, he up on me ♪
♪ Don't pay him any attention ♪
♪ 'Cause I cried my tears for three good years ♪
♪ Ya can't be mad at me ♪
♪ 'Cause if you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it ♪
♪ If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it ♪
♪ Don't be mad once you see that he want it ♪
♪ If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it... ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪