03x08 - Snickerdoodle and a Nip Slip

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Mom...

You said you wanted to meet my new girlfriend.

Ta-da.

Christy, Candace. Candace, Christy.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, same here.

You know, Baxter's told me all about how you've turned your life around.

(chuckles) Good for you.

Candace bought me new clothes.

Yeah, I noticed.

No one's owned them before.

I'm the first person to wear them.

Christy, I hear you just moved into a new apartment.

Yeah, we're really excited about it.

I live in the closet.

Hey, you made it.

Can we go swimming?

The pool is heated and the spa's all toasty.

Go put your suit on.

(chuckles)

Okay, sweetie.

Love you! Bye!

Candace fixed up the guest room.

He's got his own TV, video games.

Ooh, and a closet, that he can use, as a closet.

(laughs)

That's a good one.

Bye.

(grunting, muttering)

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Oh, thank you, honey.

I got you a perfume that's a little less obvious.

(laughs)

Oh, where does he get it?

Yeah, well, I say that to all the parents, and so few listen.

Just so we're clear, I am the parent.

I may not listen, but I am the parent.

It's okay, Christy.

We all know you're doing the best that you can.

Do not do the pity voice with me.

Oh, dear. Now you're upset.

I am not upset, you big red turd.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy. Candace made cookies; they're in the kitchen.

Bye, Mom.

Bye!

He used to give me a hug.

Yeah, he's at that age. I wouldn't take it personally.

Candace: Look who's home.

Ooh, what a big hug!

Come on, he'd hug a scorpion if it had a cookie.

He just did.

See you later.

See ya.

Candace: Oh. Christy? Wait.

So close.

Hey!

You got a sec?

Uh, sure. What's up?

Well, I've just been thinking, now that Baxter and I are getting married, you and I are gonna be in each other's lives a lot.

Yeah, I think about that, too.

Wouldn't it just be easier if new wife and... old wife, were friends?

"Old wife."

(chuckles) Good start.

How about I take you to lunch tomorrow?

Oh!

(groans)

That, sounds super fun and n-nutritious, uh... but, um, ugh, I have plans with my Mom tomorrow.

Bring her. I love Bonnie.

If we're gonna be friends, you can't lie to me.

(chuckles) 1:00 at the Oak Ridge Country Club?

Okay, uh, great.

I will see you there.

Yay! (chuckles) Mmm.

Oh, there's the hug Roscoe loves.

How about this?

(groans) At a fancy country club?

I don't think so.

What's wrong with it?

Makes me look poor.

All right, then we should stop looking in this closet.

(groans)

Candace couldn't just take us to a nice restaurant at the mall, she had to invite us to her club to remind us how much money she's got.

So why are you doing this?

Why do you think? For Roscoe.

You know, she's gonna be in his life a long time.

I got to figure out a way to get along with her.

Look at you, taking the high road.

Yeah, I just don't want to look like a Sherpa while I'm taking it.

What are you gonna wear?

I thought I'd get something from Neiman Marcus.

How can you afford that?

Leave the tag on, return it the next day, making sure not to sweat, spill or dribble.

You're an evil genius.

Let's go.

Okay. We're gonna need shoes, too.

Ooh, how do we return those?

Easy.

Put nipple pasties on the soles so they don't scuff.

You really should start a blog.

Unfortunately, we will have to wear our own underwear.

Ooh, I could get used to this.

Right?

Tag check.

Clear.

Good to go.

Hey, guys.

Oop. Nip slip.

Hi! You two look really nice.

Oh, thank you.

So do you.

Is that new?

Oh, gosh, no. (chuckles)

When did I get this?

When we went to the opera in San Francisco.

Oh, that's right.

- "Rigolotto."

Rigoletto.

We saw them both.

Thanks for letting me join you.

Oh, no. Thank you for coming.

I have to tell you, Baxter is sitting at home right now, out of his mind with worry that the three of us won't get along.

Why wouldn't we get along?

That is exactly what I said to him.

Frankly, I think he's afraid we'll gossip about him.

(laughter)

Like we don't have better things to talk about.

(laughter)

So, Bonnie, what is it like to manage an apartment building?

Well, to be honest, I don't think of it as managing a building, I think of it as managing a diverse community of people.

Oh, that's a lovely thought.

I'm kidding. I'm mostly k*lling mice and unclogging toilets.

So what's good here?

Okay, okay, okay. I am dying to ask.

What is the deal with Baxter and Q-tips?

Oh, no. Is he still leaving them on the sink?

The sink, the bathtub, the nightstand.

The other day, I found one in the refrigerator.

Yeah, you got to go easy on him with that.

When he cleans his ears, it's like he goes into a trance state.

He doesn't even know he's doing it.

Remember when we took him to the emergency room to get one out?

Oh, God. A Q-tip got stuck in his ear?

You know what, we're having lunch.

Yeah, let's say ear.

(laughter)

Oh, well, you got to love him.

Oh, no, you got to love him. I did my time.

(laughter)

Oh. This is so much fun.

See, I knew if we made the effort, we could get along.

Absolutely. There's a spa here, right?

Oh, one of the best.

Oh, yeah, we're getting along.

Well, look who's here.

Oh, hi, Daddy.

Hey, Snickerdoodle.

Uh, these are my friends, Christy and Bonnie.

Ah, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Fred Hayes.

Hi. Christy.

So how do you girls know each other?

Well, Christy actually used to be married to Baxter.

Really?

And you're friends?

I'm as surprised as you are.

(chuckles)

And how about this lovely lady?

Have you also slept with Baxter?

I'm her mother, and ew.

You know, your ex is one of my most popular employees.

Mm. I'm not surprised.

He's a terrific guy.

That and he sells k*ller weed.

Daddy.

Oh, lighten up. He gives me a family discount.

What? I never got a discount.

Maybe that's because, at our wedding, you introduced him to people as my "first husband."

You know, I'm liking Candace's new friends.

Especially you.

Oh. Thank you, I guess.

So, Daddy... aren't you gonna go play golf?

Fred: No, I've got plenty of time.

So, Christy, do you play?

Only if there's a windmill. (chuckles)

Don't have any of those.

But we do have a waterfall on the tenth hole.

Would you like to see it?

Um, I'm not wearing any sunblock.

Hang on. I've got some.

No, no, Mom, I'm fine.

Close your eyes.

Off you go.

I understand you ordering lava cake.

I don't understand how you got it on your ass.

It's lava.

Well, I don't see how we can take it back to the store.

I hope you have a plan to pay for it.

I do. You're gonna marry Candace's dad.

God, will you stop it with that?!

He just showed me around the golf course.

Yeah, and bought you a putter in the pro shop.

For old white guys, this is as good as a promise ring.

He only bought it because I told him I always wanted to learn to play golf, which isn't even true.

So you started on a lie.

All the best relationships start that way.

For the last time, I am not going out with Candace's father.

(doorbell rings)

This dress cost $1,200.

Yeah, you are.

Delivery for Christy Plunkett.

It's happening! It's happening! It's happening!

Read the card. Read the card. Read the card.

Would you please calm down?

(mouthing)

(sighs)

He wants to have dinner with me.

Thank you, Jesus!

I'm not having dinner with him.

We're not?

Mom, he's Candace's father.

He's gonna be Baxter's father-in-law and Roscoe's step-grandfather.

And he's got five car dealerships, a full head of hair and when he looks down he can see his belt.

Doesn't matter.

I'm finally starting to get along with Candace and, she is, like it or not, a part of my son's life.

What are you doing?

I'm calling Fred to tell him I'm not gonna go out with him.

No, you're not.

Give me the phone.

Hear me out.

I don't need to hear you out.

Gimme.

Yes, I get the Roscoe thing, but you deserve to be happy too.

Now, think about it.

You're pushing 40.

(grunts)

Yeah. How many rich guys in golf carts are coming your way?

(grunts)

Oh, screw it.

If you turn that man down, I swear I will disown you.

Oh, no. And lose all this?

That's my point.

Thank you.

He sent another one?

Yup.

It's a 60-degree sand wedge.

I think it helps you get out of those little pretend beaches they have there.

How many is that?

Looks like a whole set.

This guy won't take no for an answer.

So how about we shave those legs and say "yes".

Not gonna happen.

(doorbell rings)

What do you want to bet that's balls?

Which you could use.

Hello, Bonnie.

Hey, Snickerdoodle, what's up?

We seem to have a bit of a situation.

Is Roscoe okay?

Oh, he's fine.

Christy, can we speak privately?

No. What's going on?

I don't know what your game is, but I want you to stay away from my father.

I... don't have a game.

But she could if she took some lessons.

I know you're jealous of me.

You've always been jealous of me.

But I can live with that because I was raised to be tolerant of those who are less fortunate.

What I can't live with is you trying to better yourself by seducing my father.

I didn't seduce anybody.

I'm only gonna say this once.

Stay away from him.

Once'll do it.

It's ringing.

Hi, Fred, it's Christy.

I changed my mind.

I would love to have dinner with you.

Really can't thank you enough.

(sighs) I can't believe we didn't go shopping for what is clearly the most important date of our lives.

It's not important. I'm just doing this to punish Candace... It's one-and-done.

That makes no sense.

Fred seems like a great guy.

I'm sure he is.

So after all the losers we've had, don't we deserve a great guy?

Stop saying "we".

If you think you're getting out of here without me, you're wrong, bucko.

Let it go.

Now, how do I look?

Now I don't care.

Cheer up, I shaved.

Big whoop.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that's him.

Christy, wait.

Let me just give you one piece of motherly advice.

If you think you're punishing Candace by having dinner with her father, just imagine how she'd feel if you managed to get pregnant tonight!

Are you sure this doesn't bother you?

Oh, not at all.

In fact, I hope you get drunk so I can drive your Ferrari out there.

So, uh, let me see if I understand this...

You just woke up one day and said, "I'm never gonna drink again"?

Yup.

And then 11 years later I quit drinking.

(laughs)

Well, whatever you did, I'm impressed with the way you turned your life around.

You should be. I'm a miracle.

Yeah, you are. Working two jobs, raising a child, going to college.

I can also make anything for dinner as long as I have rice cakes, mustard and American cheese.

So, um, tell me about you.

What's it like to be Napa Valley's king of Korean cars?

Oh, you saw the commercial.

Not a lot of guys can pull off a crown.

To answer your question, it's good to be the king of Korean cars.

It's allowed me to be the driver of Italian cars.

How long have you been doing it?

Oh, let's see, uh... it's coming up on 40 years.

Wow, that's longer than I've been... that's a long time.

Nice save.

Yeah, just so you know, uh, I'm not in the habit of going out with my daughter's friends.

Oh, I'm-I'm not her friend.

Good.

I'm, sorry if I

(clears throat) freaked you out on that last turn.

No, no, it's a Ferrari, it's meant to be driven fast.

But (clears throat) not on two wheels.

No, they give you four for a reason.

Well, um... we're here, so...

Uh, thank you for a lovely evening.

Thank you.

I... really had a good time.

I'm glad.

When can I see you again?

Well, uh, that's a little tricky.

You get how this situation is complicated.

I do.

So how about tomorrow?

Great. (chuckles)

I'll bring a slower car.

Good night.

Good night.

Crowd: Let's go, Stanford!

Announcer: As Jeran just facing up Lampley a little hard off the back arm.

Hey.

Hey.

So... aren't you curious?

It's 10:00, all my questions are answered.

Okay.

So, I guess I won't tell you I really like him and, I'm seeing him again tomorrow night.

Don't you be messing with me!

I'm not. We had a great time.

We did?

We did!

Did we make out?

I wet my lips, but he was a perfect gentleman.

Oh, baby, I'm so happy for us!

(knocking)

Oh.

Maybe the perfect gentleman came back to bend you over the couch.

Why are you ruining my life?

What are you talking about?

If you're doing this to make Candace crazy, congratulations.

She's crying, drinking and screaming.

It's like I'm married to you again.

Really?

Come on in and tell me about all it.

I've never seen her like this.

You have hit the button of all buttons.

The button that launches all the missiles!

I'm-I'm sorry, that-that wasn't my intention.

I mean, it was, but not now.

I... really like Fred.

And I intend to keep seeing him.

All right, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but you leave me no choice.

What are you doing?

I have a personal checking account with $8,427 in it.

If you agree to stop seeing Fred, it's all yours.

Minus the $25 I need to keep the account open.

You think you can buy me?

That cheaply?

Fine, take the 25 bucks!

I'll close the account.

That's enough, Baxter.

You need to go.

You don't understand...

Good night, Baxter!

I wouldn't do this to you...

The missus said good night!

You believe that guy?

Yeah, as if we care about money.

(doorbell rings)

Roscoe ready?

Roscoe, your mom's here.

Any time, Roscoe!

Hi, Mom.

Hey, sweetie, did you have fun this weekend?

Yeah, Dad took me to the fair and I got to drive a go-cart.

Mm, cool.

I got to drive a Ferrari.