03x11 - Cinderella and a Drunk MacGyver

[bunniefuu]

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jill.

Well, as you probably know, the annual "Hurray for the Homeless Gala" is this weekend.

“Hurray”?

You want them to boo?

But what you might not know is that for a long time, this charity event was the highlight of my year.

I'd fly to New York, pick out a gown, have a team of stylists come to my house to get me ready.

You know, all the things you do to help the less fortunate.

Oh, dear God.

But ever since the divorce and all the vicious gossip about me going to rehab, I'd be ashamed to show my face, even though it was always the prettiest face there.

She makes it so hard to love her.

So instead of walking the red carpet, hobnobbing with celebrities, and thrilling to a surprise performance by Pink, I'll be spending the evening alone in my screening room watching a movie that hasn't even come out in the theaters yet.

Eh, screw it.

You should go.

Bonnie, no cross talk.

You think?

Yeah, who cares what those snobs say about you?

We're still cross-talking.

Thanks, but, uh, I couldn't go alone.

I'll go with you.

Who saw that coming?

You will?

Jill, I'm your friend.

I care about you.

Marjorie, make them stop.

Of course, I will need a gown.

I can handle that.

We driving or taking a limo?

A limo.

We're not homeless.

Okay, enough of the chitchat.

We have to stick to the rules of the meeting.

I'm sorry. Uh, is this the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting?

It is, but it's a women's meeting.

Hang on, Marjorie.

Let's not be so rigid.

Yeah, have a seat.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

This is my first time.

I don't know how this works.

That's all right. What's your name?

Julian.

All (sweetly): Hi, Julian.

Hi.

Now what?

Well, (chuckles) you can listen, or, if you like, you can tell us what brought you here.

I'm here... 'cause I didn't know where else to go.

I lost my marriage, my job, my family.

Everything that matters to me.

Can't stop drinking.

My life's a mess and...

I have nothing to offer anyone.

I love him.

Wendy: Remember, it's one day at a time.

And here's the meeting phone list.

I'm Wendy H.

“H” for hugs. (laughs)

Thanks, Wendy.

One more. They're free.

Come here.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you can get through this.

Well, I hope so.

Ah, I know so.

I'm on the list.

Bonnie P.

Thanks, Bonnie. No, thank you.

You know, for having the courage to change and... grow.

Thank you.

Did you get a phone list?

I did.

I'm not on it.

'Cause I don't like these people to call me.

Here's my card.

Thank you.

So there's this charity thing...

You want to help me with these chairs?

What are you doing?

You already have a date.

So what'd you think of your first meeting?

Well, I'm not sure how all this is supposed to keep me sober, but... everybody was super friendly.

One lady gave me a free gym membership.

Well, just keep going to a lot of meetings, find some guys you can talk to, and you'll be fine.

Thank you...

Christy.

Thank you, Christy.

Good luck, Julian.

(quietly): And I love you.

(speaking indistinctly)

All right, ladies, huddle up.

I can't believe I need to say this, but you all need to leave that man alone.

(protesting indistinctly)

Knock it off!

The guy's been sober maybe nine minutes.

The last thing he needs is a bunch of horny girls falling all over him.

Yeah, Wendy Two-hugs.

I mean it.

I want everyone to promise to stay away from him.

Say it.

All (mumbling): I promise.

And now that the meeting is over, I just want to say that that is the hottest man I ever saw in my life!

I mean, seriously...

(chattering indistinctly)

♪ ♪

(knocking on door)

It's open.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm sorry, is your laptop wearing a $6,000 Dolce gown?

Oh, my God.

That's what I was looking for.

Now, where's my date?

Coming.

Holy geez.

You like?

It cost more than my car.

How come I don't get to go to the ball?

'Cause you have to stay home and clean the fireplace, Cinderella.

I hate you, Evil Stepmother.

You wish I was your stepmother.

You ready? The limo's waiting.

Let's go help the homeless.

Night.

Have fun.

Does she live in those sweats?

Three days and counting.

Well, this sucks.

(cell phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Julian.

What's up?

You doing okay?

Yeah, it's hard in the beginning.

That's why we do it "one day at a time".

Um, coffee?

Wow, uh, I'm actually pretty busy right now.

No, don't call anyone else on the list.

I'll be there in ten...

45 minutes.

Cinderella, my ass.

♪ ♪

Cheers.

Cheers.

Ah.

Ah.

Not quiet the same with diet ginger ale, is it?

No.

Then again, if I drank ginger ale the last time I went to this event, I might not have set the drapes on fire and tried to put it out with the chocolate fountain.

Now that sounds like my kind of party.

(chuckles)

Yeah, you can see it.

It's on YouTube.

Along with every bitchy comment about me.

This is a bad idea.

Relax. Everybody there will be too concerned with how they look to care about you.

They are a pretty self-absorbed bunch.

It's why you belong there.

You get me.

Trust me, all your snooty society buddies will be so happy to see the new improved you.

I have lost five pounds.

I meant that you're sober.

Oh yeah, that's good too.

Just stay in the moment and have fun tonight.

Thank you, Bonnie.

You're a good friend.

You're welcome.

(sighs)

Look at all those sad homeless people.

Hang in there!

We're going to a gala for you!

♪ ♪

Sorry, I-I hope I didn't keep you waiting.

Not at all. Thanks for coming.

Hey, it's what we do.

So... so what's going on?

Just having a rough night.

I was trying to watch TV, but the, hotel minibar started talking to me.

Yeah, those little airplane bottles are the worst.

“Drink me. Drink me.

I'm too small to hurt you.”

It's not just the booze.

My head won't shut up.

It's like every stupid thing I've ever done is running on a loop over and over again.

I know that loop.

Here's what you need to remember.

Your mind is out to get you.

It wants you to drink again.

But you did the exact right thing.

Instead of listening to it, you called someone.

I'm glad I did.

Me too.

But... just out of curiosity, why'd you call me?

You were the only woman at that meeting who didn't give me a full-frontal hug.

I did see a couple of the ladies grinding on you.

The tall brunette practically gave me a lap dance.

Yeah, she's weird.

We're trying to get rid of her.

So how long you been sober?

Two and a half years.

Wow.

Is it hard?

Staying sober? No.

Living? That's a bitch.

I think I called the right person.

Hey, you want a coffee?

Decaf.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

Can we get a decaf over here?

♪ ♪

(piano playing softly)

Jill: Oh, boy.

Just breathe. I'm breathing.

I promise you, no one here remembers what you did.

God, I hope not.

Don't worry, I'll be right by your side.

(piano stops playing)

So when did you start drinking?

High school.

Ooh, a late bloomer.

(chuckling): I guess so.

Yeah, me and my friends would get drunk on the weekend.

No big deal.

Then college, everybody's hammered, 'cause, well, it's college.

You know, I still managed to graduate.

Got a good job.

Married my girlfriend.

Had two great kids.

Everything was perfect.

Except...

Except I was drinking vodka in the shower.

And I was showering three times a day.

I used to hide it in shampoo bottles.

What a great idea.

Yeah, I was like a drunk MacGyver.

Next thing you know, I'm not coming home for days on end, and when I am home, I'm doing my best not to drink but, all that does is make me angry.

I mean, really angry.

It got so my own kids were scared of me.

Been there.

When my wife threw me out, I was relieved.

'Cause now I can finally drink the way I wanted to.

So what made you come to that meeting?

It was my daughter's birthday last week.

She didn't want to see me.

(sniffles)

(sobbing)

I-I... I didn't do this.

It's-it's gonna be okay.

♪ ♪

All right, I asked around. It's bad.

Everyone remembers, and there's universal outrage you came back.

Oh, God.

On the upside, the shrimp are delicious and Maroon 5 is performing later.

I don't care. Let's go.

Are you crazy?

You leave now, they win.

And we miss the raffle.

Fiji.

It doesn't matter; I'll take you to Fiji.

Okay, first of all, I'm gonna hold you to that.

And, secondly, they may hate the old you, but they don't know the wonderful new you.

You think I'm wonderful?

In small doses, absolutely.

Which is why we're gonna need separate rooms in Fiji.

Now, come on, we're gonna mingle, and you're gonna charm the pants off of everybody.

(quietly): I am too embarrassed.

Everyone loves a comeback story.

You've got a good one.

Now, go ahead.

Hey, Tricia, Luanne.

Long time no see.

Not long enough.

The last time you were here, you threw yourself at my husband.

Okay.

Well, in my defense, I was so high on dr*gs and alcohol I actually thought he was attractive.

I really wish we'd partied together.

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm just gonna get all the liquor from the minibar and then... be on my way.

Thank you, I just don't trust myself not to touch it.

Yeah.

Temptation's a bitch.

♪ ... feeling, I want sexual healing... ♪

(quietly): You've got to be kidding me.

The minibar's in the cabinet.

Oh, you don't have to tell me how to find a minibar.

(music stops)

Hi, can you send someone up to remove all the alcohol from the minibar?

'Cause I don't want it.

No, I can't pretend it's not there.

The bottles talk.

Just send somebody up.

So, here's the deal.

If you feel like you're going to have problems in the night, if you feel like you're going to drink, you call me, you call someone on that list.

Thank you.

You're welcome, buddy.

Uh, excuse me, I'm just gonna...

Sure. I'll wait for room service.

Christy.

I don't know how I can ever repay you for being so kind to me.

Stop it.

Just go pee or shower or... do whatever you need to do in there.

Hey, Marjorie.

Hey, Christy. What's up?

Remember that guy, Julian?

Remember him?

When I make love to Victor tonight, I'm gonna be picturing him.

Okay.

So the thing is... I was wondering...

You didn't call him, did you?

No, I did not.

Okay, what about him?

Well... you think Steve would be a good sponsor for him?

No. Christy, is everything all right?

Totally.

It's all good.

Oh, my bus is here.

(imitates air brakes hissing)

Okay, bye.

(Julian sobbing)

Julian?

You doing okay in there?

Julian: No, I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.

It's okay, it happens.

It's just a... panic att*ck.

Nothing to worry about.

They go away after a few years.

Julian: I don't think I can do this.

Sure you can.

Julian: You must think I'm a real loser.

No, no.

I-I think you're brave and strong... and... I want to say about six-three, six-four?

Julian: Six-five.

The point is you're trying to get sober, and-and that makes you a winner.

Oh... God help me.

Julian: What-what was that?

God's gonna help you.

♪ ♪

So, anyway, seeing as we used to be such good friends, I was hoping we could start over.

Oh, Jill, stop embarrassing yourself.

You don't belong here.

Wow, these people are cold.

This is like the party scene in Frozen.

I saw that movie before it came out.

I'm the only one here who likes you.

Don't push it.

You had enough, or you want to try one more?

I got a better idea.

Can I have your attention?

Hello?!

(clears throat)

I get I made a mistake two years ago.

I'm not a perfect person.

But none of you are either.

The only difference between us is I'm trying every day to get a little better.

So you know what?

I'm done with you.

I've worked hard to turn my life around, and I have nothing to apologize for.

Nothing.

Okay, this I need to apologize for.

I'm gonna go get the gift bags. I'll meet you at the limo.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

The coast is clear, Julian.

Nothing scary out here except a $12 bar of chocolate.

I'm sorry, uh... I kind of lost it in there.

No worries.

When you first get sober, crying on the bathroom floor is kind of a rite of passage.

They should make it one of the 12 steps.

Thank you for being so patient with me.

I'm sure you had better things to do with your night.

It's sweet that you think so.

Well, I-I guess I should get going.

Do you have to?

Could we maybe just sit and talk for a little while?

Sure. I guess.

You know, I've been talking about myself all night.

I, uh... I haven't asked anything about you.

(scoffs) That's okay.

I talk about myself plenty.

It's pretty much all I do.

You married?

Nope.

You must have a boyfriend.

Not at the moment.

And by “moment” I mean 18 months and 26 days.

That's a lot of moments.

Yeah, maybe it's my turn to go cry on your bathroom floor.

You know, you are a remarkable woman.

Thank you.

You are...

I don't even have the words.

Okay, here's the thing.

You are extremely vulnerable right now, and I've been a part of the program long enough to know that this is not a good idea.

So... I should go.

And I'm going to go.

Here I go.

I-I'm really sorry.

That-that wasn't the reason I called you tonight.

I know, it's okay.

You're kind of nuts right now.

But a good nuts.

Hot nuts.

Please stop saying “nuts.”

So to recap: go to a lot of meetings, get a male sponsor...

That is critical in your case...

And if you're still sober, in a year from now, call me.

We can try that kiss again.

Deal.

I'm serious.

One year.

Put it in your phone.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(whispering): Okay.

I did the right thing.

But I still love you.

Julian: I can hear you, Christy.

♪ ♪

Ooh, Louis Vuitton wallet.

My coupons are gonna feel so fancy.

That world is closed to me now.

Can never go back.

Yeah, you don't need those people.

They're pretentious and shallow.

Ah, yes, finally I can smell like Serena Williams.

Bonnie, I humiliated myself tonight.

You did, but here's what you need to focus on: you did it stone-cold sober, and that's growth.

“Hurray for the Homeless”?

No, hurray for you.

Hey.

Hey.

You look nice. Where you been?

Back off!

She really needs to get laid.

Oh, cool, Spanx.

Yeah, those are mine.

I took 'em off in the limo.