04x02 - Sword Fights and a Dominican Shortstop

[bunniefuu]

You know, this is the first time I've ever lived with someone and enjoyed taking care of them.

(chuckles): What about your daughter?

What about her?

Never mind.

So, you set for the night?

Yep. While you're at your AA meeting, I'm gonna sit on that sofa and get happily drunk.

Alone, like a normal drinker.

Attaboy.

Christy (calls): Hi!

Sorry. Traffic was brutal.

We better hurry... We don't want to see Marjorie's disappointed sheep face.

Yeah. That would be... (bleats): baaad.

See you later.

Is tonight's meeting an hour or an hour and a half?

Hour and a half.

Got it.

Are you and the girls going out for coffee after?

Probably.

Anybody having any personal problems?

Jill bumped into her ex with his pregnant fiancée, Nice.

Don't worry, I'll pace myself.

I know you don't like having sex with a drunk guy after a meeting.

Who said that? I never said that.

You sure?

Yeah. All you have to do is gargle, and, you know, function.

Define "function."

Parking is available in the lot.

Please don't park in, uh, any space marked "reserve""

Uh, there's no smoking or vaping anywhere in the community center.

You can smoke on South Street, but... dispose of your cigarettes...

(bleats): Baaa.

You know, we're late 'cause of her.

Oh. Well, then that's okay.

Why is that okay?

Because Christy's working two jobs, going to school and being a mom.

How about what I do?

What do you do?

So glad I came tonight.

Man: And now please help me welcome tonight's speaker, Jeanine.

Oh, damn.

Hi. I'm Jeanine. I'm an alcoholic.

Others: Hi, Jeanine.

(quietly): Look, Bonnie!

It's your former lesbian lover!

So, so glad.

♪ ♪

I didn't drink in high school. Actually, I was kind of a nerd.

Mathlete, debate club, puzzle page editor for the school paper.

Yes, I could rock a jumble.

(laughter) Thing is, I knew that I had feelings for girls.

But I thought if I got good grades and stopped watching Charlie's Angels, they'd go away.

Then... I had my first drink in college...

An entire bottle of Strawberry Hill.

20 minutes later, I was making out with a woman.

Ironically, in a closet.

To this day, the smell of mothballs gets me hot.

Oh, settle down.

I drank to be comfortable with being gay.

And then once I was comfortable, I just drank.

Every time I thought I had a drinking problem, I'd just get a new girlfriend who was more of a mess than me.

She's talking about you.

I guess my bottom came when I took in a drunken, bisexual, pill-head catastrophe and her adorable seven-year-old daughter.

Turn around.

But... thanks to this program, we're all sober today and we can laugh about it.

Right, Bonnie?

Lay down, soldier. You're dead.

♪ ♪

I was so inspired by your story of how you dealt with the tragic death of your wife.

I can identify, because I just ran into my ex-husband and his pregnant fiancée.

You're right, it's exactly the same.

Hi.

Thank you for your share.

Oh, you're welcome.

You know, when I was in high school, I kissed a guy who's a girl now.

So I know where you're coming from.

Sista.

(laughs)

Drunken, pill-head catastrophe?

Well, when I saw you sitting there, I thought I'd nice it up.

Well, if you're gonna tell that story again, mention the heroin... I've got a reputation to protect.

You got it.

And I'm not bisexual. I'm just... easy-going.

Whatever you say.

Hi.

Hi!

You were wonderful!

Christy cr*cker Jack.

This was such a nice surprise!

Honey, it is always great to see you.

Hey, a bunch of us go out for coffee after the meeting... You want to join?

Is that okay with you, Bon?

Of course. I'm... easy-going.

Why do you t*rture her?

It's fun!

♪ ♪

So, Jeanine, how long have you been sober?

28 years.

Wow. Impressive.

Thank you. How about you?

Thirty-four.

Terrific. You sponsor a lot of people?

Not many.

Twelve.

Nineteen.

Last year, they all chipped in and sent me to Cabo.

That's nice. I help people for fun and for free.

Jill: Ooh... sponsor cage match.

This is delicious.

I should bring a piece home for Adam.

Adam? There's a man in your life?

Oh.

Yes, there is.

Good for you.

It is good for me... Twice a night and once in the morning.

So you're slowing down in your old age?

So, Christy, how's college?

Couldn't be better.

I'm taking four classes and just loving it.

Liar.

What?

You just did that hair-tuck thing behind your hair... That's your tell.

Ever since you were a little girl, whenever you tucked your hair behind your ear, I knew you were lying.

Really? I do that?

Yeah. You always have.

Is that why I could never b*at you at poker?

Probably more that you were seven, but yeah.

Actually, I am kind of struggling at school.

I knew about the hair-tucking, too.

No, you didn't. What's going on?

It's just a ton of work.

Plus, I'm pulling in double shifts at the restaurant.

Every day I go to bed tired and wake up exhausted.

I really did know about the hair-tucking thing.

How about I put this bee in your bonnet.

Maybe instead of k*lling yourself to become a lawyer, you can come work with me.

In real estate?

But I've wanted to be a lawyer since I was a little girl.

No, you haven't. I was there when you were a little girl, and you wanted to be Smurfette.

Way to go... Remind her of other dreams that didn't come true.

Look, in six months you can get your real estate license and be pulling in a lot of money.

And while you're studying for your license...

Which you can do online... You can come work in my office.

What are you doing?

I'm offering her an opportunity.

Nobody asked you to fix what isn't broken.

Actually, I'm pretty broken.

You're just trying to make her into you.

And would that be so wrong? I mean, come on, I have a beach house and a Tesla.

Oh, nice. I have a beach house, too.

You never told us you had a beach house.

Uh, no. No, I did not.

Bonnie, I do not understand why you're so threatened by this.

Yeah? Well, I don't, either.

♪ ♪

Just for the record, I really did know about the hair-tucking... I just never told you, 'cause I needed to know when you were lying.

Hey, Mom...

I love you.

Aw. I love you, too.

And I know you a lot better than Jeanine.

I know that staying in school is better than her stupid real estate nonsense.

I cry every morning in the shower.

Oh, who doesn't?

(slurring): Hey, baby. Did you have fun not drinking?

♪ ♪

What are you doing up so early?

I didn't want to throw up in bed.

Well, aren't you considerate.

I take it you didn't get lucky last night.

You'd have to ask your mother.

I'm not even sure why I asked you.

Hey, stud.

That'd be a yes.

Was that you I heard painting the toilet?

Be nice to him. It could've been on your back.

Here you go.

Bonnie Plunkett's world-famous hangover cure.

You complete me.

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

Who's that so early?

Jeanine. She's gonna show me her real estate office.

Who's Jeanine? Nobody. You got drool.

Morning.

Hey, come on in. Let me get my things.

All right. Hey, Bonnie.

Hey.

Hello.

Hi.

Jeanine, Adam.

Adam, Jeanine.

Nice to meet you.

Did you enjoy your pie last night?

Uh, that's kind of a personal question.

I brought you a slice of pie.

Oh. Then yes.

Hmm.

So, how do you guys all know each other?

We lived with Jeanine when I was little.

Really? I thought you said she was nobody.

Drink your beer. Off you go.

See you later.

Bye.

Please tell me your mother didn't break his legs so he wouldn't run away from her.

And this is the bullpen.

Wow. All these people work for you?

Yeah. I like to think of it as a family, but if they don't kiss my ass, they're out.

Nice sh*t, boss.

Thank you.

So what do you think?

You want to be a real estate agent?

I don't know. It's pretty tempting.

But?

I'm just afraid I'd always wonder what would have happened if I had become a lawyer.

Hmm. I'm a lawyer.

Oh, right. Alissa, Christy.

Hi.

Hi. You're an attorney?

Why are you selling real estate?

'Cause I want to live indoors.

But you have a law degree.

How come you're not out there making the big bucks?

Oh, she's adorable.

I know.

What? What'd I miss?

Listen, honey, it's a tough job market out there.

I've got a lawyer, I've got an MBA, an architect and a Dominican shortstop who couldn't hit a curve ball.

I quit law when I realized I made more money waiting tables.

Jeanine, she's scaring me.

That's nothing. Liss, tell Christy about that time that you were a public defender in Oakland, and that junkie client stabbed you with a pencil.

It really hurt.

Oh, God.

Thanks, Liss. Come here. Listen.

Last year, she brought in 200 K in commissions.

"K" as in thousand?

Yes.

Is it too soon to start kissing your ass?

Never too soon, Crackerjack.

(sighs)

Can you pass me a wrench?

Crescent? Socket? Vise grip?

The yellow one.

Girls.

Thank you.

FYI, that's a crescent.

FYI, don't care.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Were you and Jeanine lesbians?

(loud metallic thud)

Oh!

(sighs)

Where did that come from?

I don't know.

The minute she walked into the kitchen, you started acting all twitchy like I am around my ex-wife.

Um, well, I don't know if I'm comfortable talking about this.

I thought you said we shouldn't keep secrets from each other.

Hey, if you're gonna hold me to everything I say, this is never gonna work.

Oh, come on.

Fine.

Jeanine was gay, still is, and I...

I don't know what you'd call it. Uh...

I had sex with her for two years.

Hmm.

Please don't picture it.

(chuckles): Oh, too late.

Is this gonna be an issue?

No, but I do have some follow-up questions.

Oh, man. All right, sh**t.

You guys really do that scissor thing?

(metallic thud)

So now I don't know what the hell to do.

What if I spend thousands of dollars to finish college, and then thousands more on law school, and then when I get out, there aren't any jobs?

What if there's a massive earthquake and the entire state of California slides into the ocean?

So, you're saying don't go into real estate?

No, I'm saying we don't know the future.

We can only make decisions based on what's happening right now.

Well, right now, I'm closing in on 40, and when I finish law school, I'll be almost (whispers): 45.

Why are you whispering?

'Cause I don't want anyone else to know.

Oh, honey.

But do I really want to sell real estate?

Maybe. I don't know.

I do know I'd love to avoid paying off student loans until I'm...

(whispers): your age.

(sighs) So you got a big decision to make.

I know. What do we think I should do?

I can't make it for you.

Sure you can. Just do it. Do it!

Christy, I can tell you how to stay sober.

I can't tell you how to live your life.

Great. So I folded these stupid chairs for nothing.

I do have one suggestion.

What? I'll take anything.

Pray on it.

Ugh.

You used to get loaded every day.

Now you've been sober for three years.

The same higher power who makes that possible can help you through this.

I don't know. I think my higher power's kind of sick of me.

Sweetie, God didn't save you from drowning just so he could kick your ass on the beach.

You sure? He was pretty tough on his own kid.

Woman (on TV): ... till he stopped.

Man: You stopped them all right.

Woman: How else did you think this was going to... ?

(turns TV off)

You were the lady, right?

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, come on! I want to know.

(sighs) I guess.

Mostly... we'd switch off.

How'd you decide? Coin flip, high card, game of softball?

(sputtering)

You really need to stop talking.

But... All right, fine.

Woman: You're gonna help me take care of this, and then we're going to get rid of his daughter.

And don't worry...

And picturing!

Damn it.

Sorry. Bad start.

God, I really need your help on this one.

What do I do?

Any time.

What are you doing?

Praying.

Mind if I join you?

Sure. Adam driving you crazy?

Little bit.

All right, let's pray.

(sighs)

(sighs)

You getting anything?

Not with you yapping in my ear.

Sor-ry.

(sighs)

Should we try Satan? I hear he gets things done.

She's not with me.

So anyway, I gave it a lot of thought, I talked to Marjorie...

Marjorie. Hmm. What she have to say?

She told me I should pray on it.

Okay. Kind of hard to poke holes in that.

I know. I tried.

So where'd you come out?

I decided to stay in school.

Really? I'm surprised.

Can't explain why. Just feels like the right thing to do.

For once in my life, finish something I started.

You know what? I'm proud of you.

I thought you'd be mad.

Why would I be mad?

You're sticking with your dreams, and you're doing it the hard way.

Thanks.

That takes guts, takes character.

You sure didn't grow up to be your mother.

I'll tell her you said that.

Oh, please do.

(laughs)

I made you a little snack.

Thanks.

That's so thoughtful.

No biggie. I like doing things for you.

Well, that's good to know.

What do you think of her?

Who's this?

Stunt-woman friend of mine, Rebecca.

Doubles for Angelina Jolie sometimes.

Okay.

She's gay, but she's always been kind of flirty with me.

What do you think... ?

Maybe... you know, we could all grab... dinner?

See what happens.

Are you sure you want to go down that road?

What do you mean?

If she and I hit it off, what do we need you for?

Let's just watch TV.

No, no. It's my turn now.

You ever dabble with your sexuality?

Hey. (laughs)

I'm so straight, the word "dabble" makes me uncomfortable.

So never?

No. Not once?

No!

Okay, a couple of times in high school after gym class, the guys would have sword fights in the shower.

Really?

No, don't "really" me. That's just horseplay.

It's roughhousing.

With wet, naked guys in the shower.

Shut up.

Stop picturing it!