04x10 - A Safe Word and a Rib Eye

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's talk about it before the meeting tomorrow.

I got to go.

Who was that?

Marjorie.

You called her?

She called me.

Why would she call you?

She's having some problems with Victor.

Oh, God. What?

As it turns out, he has some sexual needs that are causing her to reevaluate some... long-held beliefs.

Okay. Heard enough.

Yeah. I suggested some breathing exercises that might relax her.

Please stop.

Oh, I also told her she needed a safe word.

Good night, Mom.

(GROANS)

(SPUTTERS)

Wait a minute.

Marjorie doesn't call you about sex.

You guys are throwing me a surprise party, aren't you?

What?

No.

Come on, my birthday's on Saturday.

You and the girls have been (GROANS) whispering around me the past few days.

Well, if you must know, we've been whispering about your haircut.

We were gonna loop you in once it grew out.

What's wrong with my haircut?

You look like a woman playing a small boy in a play.

Nice try.

You're throwing me a party.

Just so you know, I'm working Saturday night, so it would have to be Friday.

And I love karaoke and taco bars.

Oh, and don't let Marjorie make her German chocolate cake.

The Berlin Wall went down easier.

Jill's pregnant.

What?

Two months... that's what we've been whispering about.

Wait.

Everyone knows except me?

She told us not to tell you.

Why are you telling me now?

Because I want to go to sleep.

I can't believe she's freezing me out.

Well, she probably took it personally when you told her she wouldn't be a good mother.

She wouldn't and you know it.

Yeah, but I didn't say it to her face in a fertility clinic five minutes before she had her eggs extracted.

Was I supposed to wait till the doctor greased up the speculum?

Ugh!

You know I hate that word.

And what did she think, that I wasn't gonna notice when she started showing?

No. But she's really happy right now, and she didn't want you to ruin her joy.

Wait till she's up all night with a screaming baby, that's what'll ruin her joy.

Yeah. And that right there is why you won't be getting an invite to the baby shower, which will be here, so make yourself scarce.

You know what? I don't care.

Let her have a baby. Hope it all works out great.

None of my business.

Night.

Night.

Oh. I just realized what I can get you for your birthday... a hat.

I for one am glad you told Christy.

I'm not comfortable lying to people.

That's 'cause you don't do it enough. It's a muscle, you got to work it.

She actually thought all the whispering was us planning her surprise birthday party.

Oh, that's right, it's her birthday this weekend.

Hey, how about we really do throw her a surprise party?

Oh, that's a great idea. I can make my German chocolate cake.

Oh! It is Christy's favorite.

Good.

Wait, I don't know if you're telling the truth or not.

And that's what makes me the most interesting person at this table.

Shh.

You don't have to "Shh" anymore.

I know Jill's pregnant. And you hate my hair.

We don't hate it, we're just afraid you were drinking again.

Christy, why don't you reach out to Jill and make up?

I tried. You saw.

I mean, how many times do you have to apologize for telling somebody that they're an entitled princess who has no clue how to raise a child?

I'm gonna go with 23.

It's like when your friend breaks up with a guy, and you tell her that you always hated him and then they end up getting married. What do you do?

You show up, you throw rice, you move on.

Actually, you're not supposed to throw rice anymore.

The birds choke on it.

Good, Wendy. You got the point she was making.

Christy, the baby train is leaving the station.

You need to hop on board.

Hey, you got the hat for it.

But why do I have to be the one to apologize?

She said I was a lousy mother.

I've met your kids. She's not wrong.

What are you gonna do, stay angry at Jill forever?

Which forces us all to choose sides.

Choose sides? You're my mother.

Yeah, but she's got a lot of money and I can be bought.

♪ ♪

Hi, I'm Jill. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jill.

Well, let's see, things have been going pretty good the last few weeks.

Um, finally finished the remodel of my master bathroom, so my marble nightmare is over.

We all know how good that feels.

Let's see, what else?

Um...

Oh, I can't keep a secret. I'm pregnant. I'm gonna have a baby!

(APPLAUSE, MURMURING)

It's a little early to talk about it, but I'm just so thrilled and I didn't want y'all thinking I'm turning into a fatty.

No.

It's crazy how much I love this little biscuit cooking inside me, and I just can't wait for her to get here and start loving me back.

I'm gonna dress her up, and take her on long walks, and play in the park...

You realize she could be talking about a Chihuahua.

I'd be lying if I said doing this on my own wasn't scary.

But ever since I've been sober, I've never had to do anything alone.

And I think it's gonna be the same way with this.

So... thank you.

Oh!

And spread the word... baby bump, not muffin top.

Bruce: Would anyone else like to share?

I'll go.

Hi. I'm Wendy, and I'm an alcoholic...

I'm really happy for you.

All: Hi, Wendy.

Wendy: I know I'm not supposed to crosstalk, but...

One down, 22 to go.

♪ ♪

What do you think?

Oh, Jill, it's beautiful.

This is nicer than my house.

Well, I should hope so. (SCOFFS)

What's a nursery without a crystal chandelier?

I know, right?

My daughter will never have to know the horrors of recessed lighting.

(PHONE DINGING)

Oh, my stork alert.

"Stork alert"?

Yeah. It's this app I signed up for.

It sends me texts to tell me about my baby's progress.

Day 54... she's a little bigger than a blueberry.

Hey, I had some of your babies on my Rice Krispies this morning.

Bonnie, just because you think it, doesn't mean you have to say it.

Can you guess what I'm thinking right now?

It's okay, Marjorie. Nothing can bring me down.

Look at me, I'm glowing, and I didn't even get my peel this week.

Since you're in such a good mood, why don't you come to my house Friday night, we're having a little party.

Oh, we love parties. Don't we, princess?

Yeah, it's for Christy's birthday.

We're busy.

She's hating for two, now.

Come on, Jill.

You guys have been best friends for so long.

Yeah, well, not anymore. Friends support each other.

As far as I'm concerned, she's dead to me.

And when someone's dead to me, I don't go to their birthday parties, because, you know, they're dead.

♪ ♪
♪ We are never, ever ♪
♪ Ever getting back together ♪

Hey!

Sorry, you're making my teeth hurt.

Come on, help me with these balloons.

I was better at karaoke when I was drinking.

I wasn't there, but no you weren't.

Oh, God. Surprise!

Calm down, it's just me.

(HELIUM VOICE): Welcome to the party, Marjorie!

Ready to get freaky?

Lovely. I made my German chocolate cake.

Christy's gonna be so excited!

(PHONE RINGING)

It's Jill.

Oh, I hope she changed her mind about coming.

Hi, honey, what's going on?

If you ever want to tie something to your ankle when you jump off a bridge...

♪ ♪

Oh, my God, you guys!

You guys?

Hello?

Ugh...

Bonnie: Yeah. Christy?

Mom, it's me.

What's going on? Where is everybody?

Oh honey, I'm sorry. We had to run over to Jill's.

I've got really bad news.

What happened?

She lost the baby.

(SIGHS) She won't eat.

Did she see I put bacon on it?

I don't know.

Well, all right, give it here. I'll eat it.

It's a sin to waste bacon.

This is just heartbreaking.

It is.

But Jill's been through a lot in her life, she'll get through this.

And she'll get through it sober.

It's kind of a shame. The doctor gave her some quality narcotics.

"Kind of a shame"?

Yeah, she can't take 'em and you won't let me sell 'em.

Right?

Eat your bacon.

Christy: Hello? Mom? Anybody?

In here.

How's she doing?

Not good.

What happened?

Apparently she had a routine checkup with her doctor, and they couldn't find the heartbeat.

I want to see her.

I don't know if that's a good idea.

Mom, we had a fight. Friends fight sometimes.

I'll bring her some tea.

That's mine, but okay.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Hey, can I come in?

What are you doing here?

I'm your friend. I love you.

Just go away.

Jill, please, just give me a minute.

I brought tea.

I don't want tea.

Okay, well, I'll just put... are you a coaster person?

Just put it down.

I want you to know how sorry I am.

Why would you be sorry?

You didn't want me to have this baby in the first place.

Well, you win.

Oh, my God, Jill.

I would never want this to happen.

Just get out.

Jill, please.

Jill: Get out!

I can't tell her "I told you so," but you guys know.

She hates me.

Honey, she's just been through a lot and she's taking it out on you.

Why don't you go home, give her some space?

We're gonna stay and keep an eye on her.

Okay.

Call me if you need anything.

Actually, since you're going home, could you bring back my swimsuit?

Are you kidding?

You're right, I can swim naked.

It's just us gals.

That is the saddest birthday ever.

For Christy?

Not even top five.

♪ ♪

Hi, I'm Christy, I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Christy.

I don't usually go to midnight meetings.

I'm usually asleep.

Nice to know you can do both.

Thing is I don't even want to be here right now.

I'd rather be comforting my friend who's in a lot of pain, but she doesn't want me around 'cause I told her the truth.

Well, I thought it was the truth.

I guess it might've just been my opinion.

(QUIET LAUGH)

Oh, God.

I've turned into that obnoxious sober person who tells everybody how to live their life.

Meanwhile I'm wearing this stupid hat 'cause I thought I could give myself a haircut.

Anyway, it's my birthday and if anybody's hungry, there's 25 pounds of German chocolate brick on the table.

Thanks.

Don't clap, I don't want to wake him.

Hey.

Hey.

Should you be out of bed?

No, but...

I wanted to try being sad in another room.

What you doing?

Just having a late night snack.

I wasn't even hungry, but I saw you had the rib eye and the indoor grill.

What's that?

Oh.

Some folks from the meeting sent it to congratulate you.

Let me just make it go... away.

There, it's gone.

Why'd I tell everyone at the meeting I was pregnant?

It's okay.

You were excited.

But now everybody's gonna want to hug me, and tell me how their sister or their cousin had a miscarriage.

Yeah, well, that's the problem with support groups.

People will try to support you.

Everybody's gonna be thinking, "Oh, poor Jill, she has perfect cheek bones, but she'll never be a mom."

Why never?

I don't know.

Doesn't seem like it's in the cards.

I just keep feeling like I'm being punished for all the things I did wrong in my life.

Oh, come on, if you had to be a good person to have a baby, I wouldn't have Christy.

Can we not talk about her right now?

Of course.

But one thing.

I know she really hurt your feelings when she said you might not make the best mother, but that wasn't about you.

It was about me.

Really?

I mean, in case you haven't been listening the past few years, I was a really lousy mother.

So, what, she gets to take it out on me?

Oh, she takes it out on everyone.

We were at the movies once, and she flipped out on a mom who bought her kid one of those giant sodas.

That's bad? Apparently.

Maybe the reason that I was so upset is... there's a little part of me that's afraid she was right.

She doesn't know.

I grew up bouncing from one foster home to another.

I thought anyone who didn't smack me around was mother of the year.

Oh, my God.

The only thing I know for sure is that if you had a baby, you would love it like crazy.

And that's all that matters.

(CHUCKLES)

(JILL SNIFFLES)

(CRYING): When did you become the strong, supportive one?

Meat gives me strength.

♪ ♪

You sure you won't come down and have breakfast with us?

I'm okay.

Bonnie grilled me up some sea bass last night.

Hi.

It's me, your favorite person.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yeah, sure.

I'll go see if Bonnie's out of the pool.

She's not.

You might want to bring her a robe.

I hope you understand when I said the things I said, it was because you were in a dark place, and I was worried you were trying to get pregnant for the wrong reasons.

But I never should've said you weren't cut out to be a mother.

I'm sorry.

I had no right to tell you how to live your life.

Thank you.

And I really miss being your friend.

I miss you, too.

(PHONE CHIMES)

It's my baby app.

Today would've been day 57.

Oh.

(JILL SOBS)

Sorry I'm late.

It's okay.

How'd it go at the doctor's?

Fine, he said that I could start trying to get pregnant again if I want to.

Oh, that's great news.

Jill, I would really love another chance to be your pregnancy partner.

That's sweet, but no.

I thought we were good.

We are.

I've just decided not to try again.

You don't want to be a mom anymore?

No, I do, but, um...

I think I'm gonna do it another way.

I'm gonna foster a child.

Jill, that's wonderful.

I love that. - Really?

That's great.

Yeah, well, Bonnie was telling me about what a rough time she had and how there's all these kids who bounce around the system.

And I can't think of anything better than to be able to give one of them a good home.

That's gonna be one lucky kid.

Hold up, just to be clear, something I said changed the course of your life for the better?

Yeah, feels like it.

Are you listening to this?

I heard.

So we all agree, I'm our new leader.

(JILL LAUGHS)

First order of business, what are we gonna do about Christy's hair?